


Runaway

by Raven052



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blood Kink, Drug Use, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Night Terrors, Obsession, Oral Sex, Scars, implied self harm, sex for drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-23
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-01-13 13:14:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 26
Words: 172,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1227721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raven052/pseuds/Raven052
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank has run away from home, hoping to find freedom and a life of his choosing. But things quickly turn for the worse and Frank finds himself more trapped than ever.<br/>Can the help of an unexpected saviour help him forget the horrors, and give him the freedom he is searching for?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Running away.

It sounds so exciting, so dramatic, doesn’t it? “I ran away from home”  
People picture you actually running. As fast as you can go, as far as you can go, houses and streets and towns a blur around you as you run, heading towards an unknown destination, a new life, untold adventure. They imagine you feeling a rush of adrenaline as you do it, part excitement, part fear. The world is laid out in front of you, yours for the taking.

Frank didn’t actually run. He walked, hadn’t even had to sneak out of the house, no one had been home anyway.  
And it wasn’t even like he was running from anything. He just had that… Pull. He had to leave. He had no idea where he was going, he just knew he had to get away from the place he’d grown up in. The place he’d lived the first dull, if good, twenty years of his life.  
He’d left a note. Said he’d call, though he had no intention of calling, not for a while anyway. He just wanted to get away. 

Okay, yes. The adrenaline, that he would admit he felt. He was nervous, he was excited.  
He couldn’t wait to get to wherever he was going.

He ended up somewhere pretty obvious, he’d kinda already known that was where he was heading.  
The City.  
Once he got there he just knew, this was what he was running to.  
Yeah, yeah, he hadn’t actually run, but that’s the way everyone puts it, right? 

The city was dull and grey, but it a different kind of dull and grey to the dull and grey of his home. That had been a small dull and grey.  
The city was big.  
And it was loud.  
Frank couldn’t wait to get swallowed up. 

As he walked further and further into it, it began to truly feel like he was being swallowed, whole. 

He’d never felt so out of his depth, yet so… Safe, in his life. He felt like the city could knock him off his feet at any second, but still be there to catch him.  
He knew his thoughts were crazy, disjointed, none of what he was thinking made any sense. But it all made perfect sense to him, and right now he was the only one that mattered anyway.  
He was alone, only had to worry about himself.  
God he felt so free. 

He found a place to sit, eat. He had some money on him, but he wanted to be careful with it. He had to look for a place to stay tonight, and who knew how much that could cost.  
He’d go out looking for a job in the morning. Shouldn’t be too hard, he’d passed hundreds of shops, restaurants, all kinds of places, surely there’d be someone, somewhere who could use an extra pair of hands? 

When Frank headed out again, it was with the mission of finding someplace to stay the night. He didn’t really care where. He’d come up with more permanent accommodations later, right now he just wanted somewhere to lay down. It was getting dark and he didn’t really want to run the risk of spending the night on the street. That hadn’t been the plan. 

A hostel provided the roof over his head and a bed to lie in that first night. It was fine, inexpensive. Served it’s purpose. He was asleep the moment his head hit the pillow anyway. 

The next day was spent looking for a job. In his naivety he’d thought it would be easy. He’d found a job so quickly back home (he hadn’t told them he was leaving either. He guessed they’d figure it out soon enough though, or his parents would tell them). Here… It was a whole different thing.  
Eventually, with the help of his winning smile and assurances that he was a hard worker, and reliable too, he got a job in a small convenience store. The pay wasn’t much, but it was enough to get him by, and that was all that mattered. 

It took him a while to get a place to live, he’d known that was going to be difficult. But, with patience, and saving what he could (and dipping into his bank account, he hoped no one got any ideas about tracking him down, but he honestly didn’t think anyone was going to be looking for him), Frank eventually got a tiny apartment, which, if nothing else, served it’s purpose as a place to call ‘his’. 

The first couple of months carried on pretty steady, uneventful. He went to work, he came home. He didn’t go out much, not yet. But he’d started heading out on a Saturday, building up the courage to go into one of the bars, see if he could get served. He hadn’t tried yet, but he was going to soon, just to see. Just to see. 

Slowly, but surely, Frank was carving out a life for himself. He had aspirations for bigger, better, and he had no doubt in his mind he’d get there. Everything was still so new, so big, it felt like the possibilities were limitless. His for the choosing, his for the taking. 

Nearly three months, and it felt like Frank had only just got there, but it felt like he’d been there forever. He was comfortable here, and no one had come looking. He guessed he should contact his parents, let them know he was okay, he’d do that soon, now he was settled.  
Work was good, and not too hard. His boss was fair to him, and pleased with Frank. Everything was going well in that area. 

Frank felt like branching out some more, getting a bit of the action the city promised. When he went out that Saturday night, he finally picked a bar to head into. It was one he’d walked past a lot. It looked nice, but not fancy. Clean, but not polished. He’d seen a lot of people hanging around outside, most only slightly older than him, he was certain some might even be younger. It wasn’t too far from his apartment, in a strange way that made it feel safer. 

He went inside, amazed that he wasn’t challenged. 

Went up to the bar, again, amazed he was able to order, unchallenged. He relaxed, stayed sat on the bar stool, smiling to himself at his achievement. He took a quick look around the bar, it was fairly empty right now, but he saw a small knot of people in the far corner. Six of them. Sat at a round table, with a couch curving around it. Three were chatting amongst themselves, laughing, drinking. He thought he saw a flash of silver inside the mouth of one of them when he threw his head back in loud, open mouthed laugh. Despite being focused on each other, they all seemed to be leaning to the centre of the clutch of people, where one guy was getting the most attention. He had his arm around the shoulders of the sandy haired guy next to him, who was leant back into his embrace, and he was talking, intently, with another guy sat next to him. Frank immediately got the feeling this guy was important, some kind of leader.  
Then he looked up, looked directly at Frank, and grinned.  
Frank looked away, feeling instantly embarrassed. It was going to seem like he’d been staring, which he hadn’t. Well. Maybe he had been looking a little longer than he should’ve done but he’d just been intrigued.  
A few minutes later and Frank dared another glance. The one the leader had been talking to had gone, and the leader was busy making out with the sandy haired guy next to him. Frank went back to his drink.  
He had no idea whose attention he’d just caught. And how his life was about to change, dramatically.  
He had no idea the trouble he’d just got himself wound up in.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter where our story truly begins. Frank finds a friend who calls himself a Saint, but names can be misleading.

Saint Jimmy noticed him right away. Though he was with a customer when Frank first walked into the bar, Jimmy saw him. It was like he sensed him.   
When business was done (nice, clean, easy deal. One of the reliable kids, one of the few. Never asked for anything he couldn’t afford) Saint Jimmy settled himself back into the couch. He had a perfect view of the alarmingly comfortable looking young boy getting served at the bar.  
“Now, now. You’re too young to be in here.” Saint Jimmy muttered. “Naughty boy.” He added, with a grin.   
“What’s that, Jimmy?” Beside him, Johnny perked up, as he always did when he wasn’t being directly talked to. Saint Jimmy didn’t reply, merely nodded at the bar, in the general direction of the boy. Johnny looked, shrugged, then looked back to Saint Jimmy. “So? New kid. What’s the staring about? If he wants your supplies, Jimmy, he’ll come over. Staring won’t make him come any faster.” Saint Jimmy grinned more, and Johnny had to retrace over his words to figure out what he’d said that was amusing. “Already thinking that far ahead, are we, Jimmy?” he grumbled once he realised the sexual connotation Jimmy had taken, so typical.   
Jimmy, finally taking his eyes off the boy, turned to Johnny, who was sulking, arms folded and slumped on the couch. “You’re adorable when you’re jealous, Johnny.” Saint Jimmy told him. “I. Am. NOT-” Jimmy grabbed him by the hair, yanked him closer, kissing him before he could finish the sentence. 

Frank saw him out of the corner of his eye as he walked closer. He made a point not to look up, kept his eyes on his drink, picking it up just as the guy he’d noticed, the leader, settled onto the stool next to him.   
For a while, there was silence, and Frank guessed maybe the guy hadn’t really been coming up to talk to him after all, why would he? No one knew him here, wasn’t that the point? Laughing at himself, mentally, for his paranoia, or was it vanity? Frank picked up his drink again, suddenly feeling much more comfortable.  
“Aren’t you a little young for that?” Frank nearly jumped as the guy suddenly leaned closer and whispered to him. Carefully putting his glass down, Frank looked at the stranger, to find the stranger look right back at him, a small smile on his face, and eyes, bright green, felt like they were staring right into him.   
When the fuck did he start paying attention to peoples eyes?   
“I-” Frank stuttered, then, collecting himself, he started again. “I’m 21.” He said, confidently, this time. “Only just, but still, I-”  
“No. You’re not.” The stranger argued. Frank opened his mouth to protest some more, but he was interrupted. “You’re not far off, let me guess… 19? 20? You look younger than that, but you’re definitely not a day under 19. You’d look more scared if you were.” Frank blinked. “I’m 20, just.” He found himself saying, with a sudden, nervous glance behind the bar. “Don’t worry.” The stranger told him. “They’re good at the blind eye in here.” Then, sticking out his hand, “I’m Saint Jimmy.” Frank suppressed the urge to laugh. “’Saint?’” He said. “Get to know me better, you might find out why they call me that.” Saint Jimmy said, with a wink. That time Frank did laugh, finally taking Jimmy’s hand, shaking it. “I’m Frank.” Saint Jimmy grinned. “Nice to meet you, Frank.” Then, “You seem an adventurous one… Underage drinking, sneaking into a bar… How’d you feel about coming and sitting with me and my friends? Maybe get you something a little more adventurous.” Frank noticed Saint Jimmy was holding out his hand again, though this time there was something in it. Frank only glanced then said. “I’m… Okay. Really. Thanks.” Saint Jimmy grinned, slipping his hand back into his pocket, coming out again with his hand empty. “Alright, offers there.” Jimmy said, hopping down off the stool. “See you around, Frankie.” 

Frank didn’t go back there for a few weeks, something about Saint Jimmy had unsettled him. He’d seemed nice enough. But… It wasn’t even the drugs he’d been offered. Something about the way Jimmy had smiled at him… 

But, eventually, he couldn’t help himself. 

Frank tried telling himself that it was just because it was the only place he’d gone that had actually served him. He’d tried a few other places, but most hadn’t even let him through the door.   
Just this place, The Phoenix, let him get away with it.  
He won’t even be here. Frank told himself. And even if he is, it’s not like I want to see him.  
But the thing was, there was a small part of Frank that really, really did want to see Saint Jimmy again, he’d been oddly intrigued. Not least as to why he’d want to have anything to do with a random loner like himself.   
But at the same time, he was scared of seeing Saint Jimmy. He had a bad feeling he’d wind up someplace he wouldn’t be able to get himself out of, if he wasn’t careful. 

Frank was sitting in the same spot as last time, trying not to look around. Pretending he wasn’t disappointed that he couldn’t see Saint Jimmy anywhere, or any of the others who’d been hanging around him that night.  
Not that Frank really remembered what the others looked like. 

Two drinks down and still no sign, it’d been quiet tonight, and the last time he’d been here had hardly been crowded.   
He was about ready to leave when a commotion from behind him, where the door was, drew his attention. 

It was a larger crowd than last time, and they were a lot louder, but still, in the centre of it, Frank saw him.   
While everyone around him was excitable and laughing and cheering about something or other, jostling each other about and occasionally knocking into the furniture, Saint Jimmy was like a pocket of calm, the eye of the storm. He walked slowly, smiling slightly, head slightly down. Not submissively, not at all. He was merely acting coy. Something Saint Jimmy knew sent most of his followers wild. They all wanted him, whether they admitted to it or not, and giving them the idea they might one day get him made them more compliant to his wishes.  
Again, it was like Saint Jimmy could sense Frank was there, he looked up at just the right moment to catch Frank’s eye as he walked past. Saint Jimmy didn’t stop, didn’t say anything, barely reacted at all. But Frank knew he’d been acknowledged. He had a feeling some of those in the crowd around Saint Jimmy would kill to have Jimmy look at them like that. 

Frank resisted going over. But his eyes kept wandering to the group, kept wandering to Saint Jimmy, who again, had the sandy haired guy hanging off him, touching him at all times. And again, though the crowd was big, and they’d all split off into their own separate conversations, they all had that pull, they were all drawn to Saint Jimmy.  
Frank felt the pull too, but still, he resisted. 

A few more drinks and Frank was seriously considering leaving now. He sensed he had to get out of here, before he found himself over there. 

He was nearly at the door when he heard a voice behind him.   
“Leaving so soon?” Frank turned, slowly, forcing himself to be calm, casual. Saw Saint Jimmy behind him, grinning at him. Frank shrugged. “I was just-”  
“I was heading out for a smoke.” Saint Jimmy interrupted. “Johnny’s being a little bitch and won’t come with me. I’d hate to fuck my lungs up all alone. Since you’re going outside anyway, figure you should keep me company.”   
“I don’t smoke.” It was a lie, but Frank couldn’t stop himself. Saint Jimmy grinned, like he knew Frank was lying. He slipped his arm around Frank’s shoulders. “Really? It’s easy. I’ll show you how.”

It wasn’t cold outside, but Frank felt a shiver pass through him as he watched Saint Jimmy.   
They were just around the side of the bar, Jimmy was leant up against the wall, eyes closed as he once again put the cigarette to his lips, drawing it in, lazily blowing the smoke out.   
Frank, also leant against the wall, beside Saint Jimmy, couldn’t stop staring at him. He was oddly enrapt by him and his simple task of smoking.   
Saint Jimmy opened his eyes, and turned his head, smiling at Frank. “Want?” He said. Frank didn’t know how to reply, startled, his eyes went wide as he struggled to answer. Saint Jimmy grinned wider as he held up the cigarette between his fingers. “I was only offering you this.” He said, pushing himself off the wall, positioning himself in front of Frank, a little too close. “Unless, of course, you were hoping for something else?” A hand, boldly reaching out, glancing over Frank’s cheek.   
Frank didn’t answer at first, but when he did, he made sure he sounded confident. “Just the smoke, thanks Jimmy.” He said. The grin never leaving, Saint Jimmy held up the cigarette, letting Frank catch it between his lips, inhale. Jimmy backed off as Frank raised his hand, taking the stick between his fingers, closing his eyes as he exhaled.   
“Thought you said you didn’t smoke.” Saint Jimmy said, now lighting himself a new one. Frank grinned, opening his eyes again, “Only occasionally.” He replied, with a shrug. “Sure, sure.” Jimmy winked at him. 

When they walked back inside, Frank wondered why he’d felt so uneasy about Jimmy. They hadn’t said much else, but it’d been… Comfortable. Now they were heading back to the table, where all Jimmy’s friends (followers) were waiting. Jimmy’s arm loosely and casually around Frank’s shoulders, guiding him. Frank had a feeling he should’ve been unnerved by the contact but he really wasn’t. It felt kinda right.   
As they got to the table, everyone looked up, most looking at Jimmy, but a few giving wary, or intrigued looks to Frank. One, the sandy haired guy Frank recognised from the other night, was glaring at Frank.  
No, not at Frank. At the arm around Frank’s shoulders. Wait, wasn’t that the guy Jimmy had been making out with before? Was this the ‘Johnny’ who’d refused to come out with Jimmy? He guessed the two of them were some kind of item, but that wasn’t exactly Frank’s problem. He wasn’t looking to move in on Jimmy, he wasn’t interested in him like that.   
Or, at least, he didn’t think he was.  
Frank was pretty sure he was straight, but he wasn’t exactly certain about that. He’d never liked a guy in that way, but then again he’d never had a serious girlfriend either. Not that it mattered, but perhaps at some point he would need to mention his almost certainly straight status, just to make sure no one mistook his intentions.   
Of course, it wasn’t really his intentions he had to worry about.  
“Everyone, this is Frank.” Jimmy announced, proudly. And Frank smiled, a little nervous at being introduced to so many people all at once. “Hey”   
A few greetings thrown his way, then most seemed to loose interest in him.   
“Found yourself a new toy, Jimmy?” Asked one of the few who hadn’t lost interest. Frank felt uneasy then. What did that mean? “For fucks sake.” The girl sat next to the guy said, smacking him on the arm. “Don’t scare the poor boy.”  
“Yeah, where’d you find this one, Jimmy?” Someone else asked. “Playground?”  
“Careful, they’ll have you for paedophilia.”  
“Never got me for anything else, did they?” Jimmy quipped back, with a wink. “And pipe the fuck down, he’s not that fucking young.” Jimmy genuinely sounded annoyed, so everyone promptly shut up. “Enough of this shit. You all be on your best fucking behaviour, make Frank feel welcome.” Even Frank could sense the edge in Jimmy’s voice, he was pissed, and he had a feeling you didn’t want to be the reason Jimmy was pissed.   
Jimmy’s arm dropped from Frank’s shoulders, only for him to take his hand. Jimmy lead him round to the space that’d obviously been left for Jimmy in his absence. “Move up, Johnny.” Jimmy told the sandy haired guy. So Frank had been right, that was Johnny. “I don’t think Frank wants to have to sit on my lap.” Frank’s heart jumped a little, there’d been a few mentions like that already, hints of a sexual nature (and by Jimmy’s tone, that definitely had been one). And Frank honestly wasn’t sure what he thought about that. Johnny glared at Frank even more, but still obeyed Jimmy’s orders. Frank felt a little uncomfortable, sitting next to Johnny, with Jimmy the other side. Frank tried a smile at Johnny, but the other man simply gave him a dirty look and turned away from him. 

The night passed in a bit of a blur after that. Drinking and chatting. The girl who’d spoke up earlier, Alice, it turned out her name was, leaned across the table at Frank. “Sorry to ask this, after all the stick you got from this moron.” Another smack on the arm for the guy next to her. “But how old are you?”   
Frank didn’t answer right away, not certain it was a good idea to tell these people his real age. He glanced at Jimmy, who he’d thought hadn’t been paying attention, turns out he had. Jimmy shrugged, nodded. Frank focused back on Alice again. “20.” He told her. She smiled slightly, nodded. “You know, you look a lot younger than that.” She told him, not patronisingly, almost caringly. “You look like a baby.” Even that didn’t have a cruel edge, though she did look slightly sad, for reasons Frank couldn’t figure out. 

They were there until the very early hours. In the back of his mind, Frank was thinking about how he had to be up for work in a few hours, but the alcohol buzzing through him made it seem far away, unimportant.   
Jimmy hadn’t stopped touching him all night. Be it a hand on his arm, on his leg, arm back around Frank’s shoulders, just always something. And now, as they headed to the door, was no exception. Jimmy had his arm around Frank’s waist, pulling him in as close as possible.   
Frank could feel Johnny’s eyes boring into the back of his skull, even though he had no idea exactly where Johnny was.   
Frank had got used to Jimmy’s touch so much already, this didn’t feel even slightly strange anymore. In fact, he kinda liked it. At the door, while everyone else slowly dispersed, calling their goodbyes and thanks to Jimmy as they went, Jimmy turned to Frank, pulling him in close. So close Frank could smell the sweet alcohol Jimmy had been drinking on his breath when he spoke. And when Jimmy spoke, it was in an equally sweet whisper. “Fancy coming back to mine, Frankie?” Jimmy’s arm curled tighter around Frank, while the other moved around his back, fingers stroking slightly. “Um.” Frank couldn’t think, he didn’t know. He wasn’t sure. “Um.”   
“Take your time, baby.” Jimmy told him, with a hint of laughter at Frank‘s uncertainty. “I’ve got all night.”  
“I don’t.” Frank replied, too quickly. He winced. Started again. “I’ve- I’ve got work in the morning.” Jimmy smiled at him, like he wasn’t sure if he believed him or not. “Okay, Frankie.” He said, slowly releasing him. “Some other time.” Frank nodded, though he didn’t know why. Did he really want to go back to Jimmy’s place? Being out in a bar with him was one thing. But alone. In his home?   
Frank wasn’t sure how he felt about that.   
Then Jimmy kissed him, lightly, on the cheek. But it was enough to startle Frank. His cheek felt hot, and he raised his hand to it, as he looked up, watched Jimmy go.  
Frank was suddenly aware of how cold the rest of him felt, now he couldn’t feel Jimmy touching him. 

He thought about it all the way home, trying to figure it all out. By the time his head hit the pillow though, all thoughts were gone.   
And the next morning he was two hours late to work. 

Frank told himself he wasn’t going back there the next night. He’d drunk a little too much the night before and he didn’t want to get into the habit of doing that.  
Then there were all the mixed up stuff with Jimmy… He wasn’t sure if he was quite ready to face him again.   
And yet…  
Here he was.

But he didn‘t find Saint Jimmy.  
Instead, someone else found him. 

Frank had sat himself at the bar, again. He was looking around, nervously, as he had the night before. It was busy that night, so he’d expected to see Jimmy, but there was no sign of him. 

Eventually he got up from his seat, started wandering, slowly. Maybe Jimmy wasn’t in his usual spot, didn’t mean he wasn’t there though. 

Frank had nearly made a full circuit of the place when he felt a hand grab his arm, yanking him into the narrow corridor that led to the bathrooms. Frank panicked, tried to shake the hand off, push away, but then he was slammed against the wall, a hand on each arm and a body close, pining him in place.   
It was kinda dark, but after the initial fear passed, Frank was able to focus, process who it was that’d grabbed him.  
“Johnny?”   
He wasn’t sure what he was more surprised about. The fact Johnny was here, without Jimmy anywhere nearby (perhaps he was near, and Frank just hadn’t seen him?), or the fact that Johnny had grabbed him. He knew Johnny didn’t like him much, but he hadn’t taken Johnny for a man of action. Maybe he’d underestimated Johnny? Was he in more trouble than he’d thought?   
“What-” Frank didn’t even get his half-hearted question out, of course he knew exactly what Johnny wanted, it was a stupid question, but Frank wanted anything to break the silence which consisted of Johnny staring at him with eyes that looked like they could burn. “Don’t play fucking cute, ‘Frankie’.” Johnny’s face twisted slightly as he used Jimmy’s nickname for him. “Stay the fuck away from Jimmy. Got it?”   
Frank tried his best to keep his face blank, neutral, open, but on the inside he was fucking annoyed. It wasn’t his fault Jimmy had come up to him, talked to him. He hadn’t wanted to go out for a smoke with Jimmy last night, sure it had been his decision to come back in with Jimmy, but Jimmy had done all the initial chasing. Now he was being told to back off by an over-protective boyfriend? Oh. Great.   
“Johnny.” Frank said, calmly. “I don’t know what you’re getting so worked up about, but I just-”  
“I’m getting worked up because you’re sniffing around here hoping to find Jimmy.” Frank nodded. “Sure, I want to find Jimmy, he’s been nice to me, he-”  
“Do you think I’m stupid, Frank?” Johnny demanded, suddenly. Although Frank had another answer in mind, he decided to go for the one that wouldn’t get him in so much trouble. “No.” He said. “Good.” Johnny nodded. “Because I’m not. I saw you last night, you couldn’t keep your hands off him.” And again, Frank thought how unfair that was, it hadn’t been him! It was Jimmy who hadn’t stopped touching Frank all night. Frank had kept his hands perfectly to himself. “Johnny I-”  
“And I heard him, you know? I heard him ask you back to his place, bet you thought you were well in then, huh, Frankie? Well guess what-?”  
“If you heard him ask then maybe you also heard me saying no!” Frank finally snapped. Johnny was refusing to see that Frank was, in fact, innocent in all this, it was Jimmy doing all the work, crossing all the boundaries, and the fact that Johnny was ignoring this was starting to really piss Frank off. Johnny opened his mouth, ready to argue, but Frank wouldn’t let him. “And, before you start accusing me of any other shit maybe you should know I have no fucking interest in Jimmy, not like you’re suggesting anyway. I do not want to get in the way of you and him, I do not want to sleep with him, nothing. I’m not even fucking gay! I want nothing from him but his company, I’m new to this city and it’s just nice to have someone to hang out with. Now quit the fucking jealous boyfriend act and maybe we could be friends too.”   
Frank could feel his heart pounding, adrenaline kicking in hard, half expecting a fight, the continued look in Johnny’s eyes in no way helping to calm his nerves.   
Finally, Johnny said. “You’re not gay?” Frank sighed, rolling his eyes, so that was the only part of his speech Johnny had listened to? Fine. Whatever worked. “No.” Frank told him. “I’m not.” Johnny still looked at him, suspiciously, but, eventually, he released Frank’s arms, and stepped back. “Okay.” Johnny nodded. “Good.”   
Frank sighed in relief at being released finally. “Well. Now that’s clear, is Jimmy about?” A flash of something dangerous in Johnny’s eyes when Frank asked that, but he seemed to calm down after a second, probably replaying what Frank had just said to him, in his head. “He’s not.” Johnny said, but not like he was trying to hide anything, somehow Frank could tell Johnny was telling the truth. “Lazy bastard couldn’t be fucked to leave the apartment, he’s sent me out on his errands.” Frank cocked an eyebrow at him ‘errands’? Johnny caught the look, waved the question off before Frank could ask it. “Don’t worry about it, nothing much.” Then, small smile on his face, slightly wicked, Johnny asked, “I wouldn’t say no to a little company, Frank.”   
Frank could feel, in his gut, there was something off here, something he should be worried about, something he should be scared of. He couldn’t figure it out, but it didn’t matter because before he knew it he was answering, “No. Thanks, Johnny. But, uh… I was only gonna say a quick hi to Jimmy and then… Um. Tell him I said hi, yeah?” 

Frank hurried out of the bar then, without waiting to hear or see Johnny’s reply. Because Frank had remembered the bag Jimmy had offered him the first time they’d spoken.   
A lot of things suddenly became very clear.   
Saint Jimmy was a dealer.  
And Frank knew he should want to stay as far away from Jimmy as possible now.   
Drugs. Shit.   
He’d known there was something about Jimmy that his instincts told him to be cautious about, but he’d just assumed it had something to do with how over-affectionate he was.   
Now he knew and…  
He knew he was still going to come back the next night.

Frank didn’t even need to get inside before he found Saint Jimmy.   
He was standing outside the door, leant against the wall, smoking. He smiled as he saw Frank come towards him. “Heard you were looking for me last night.” Jimmy said, once Frank was close. Frank shrugged, non committal. “I also heard you had a bit of a run in with my Johnny.” The smile turned slightly wicked then, a glint in Jimmy’s eye. Frank felt the anger rise in him again. “He was the one who-”   
“Don’t worry about it.” Jimmy said, raising a hand to halt Frank’s protests. “I know what a jealous bitch Johnny can be. I know he was the one giving you grief. Sorry about that, just ignore him.”   
Frank nodded. “I think it’s sorted now, though Jimmy. I told him I wasn’t interested in you, not like that. I mean, I’m straight so…” Frank didn’t really know how to finish that sentence, so he just kinda let it hang. Jimmy continued to grin at him. “Oh. Really?” He said. Something in the way Jimmy said it, it was almost like he was questioning Frank.   
Was he sure?   
Really sure?   
Was he sure he was straight?  
Sure he wasn’t at least a little interested in Jimmy?   
Jimmy flicked away his spent cigarette and slipped an arm around Frank’s shoulders, giving Frank a warm, comfortable feeling of something familiar. Cut through with an unknown, darker feeling.   
Frank was sure.   
He wasn’t interested.   
Was he? 

Frank stayed out late again that night, and it was the second time since they’d met that Jimmy offered him drugs.   
Johnny had been sitting the other side of Saint Jimmy and saw the exchange, he looked up at Frank, grinning, knowingly.   
Frank took the drugs offered to him, saying thanks, but he’d take them later.   
Jimmy grinned, shook his head. Took Frank’s hand and led him away from the table. 

Jimmy didn’t let go of Frank’s hand until they were in the bathroom. Surprisingly clean, but then, despite their lack of regard for the legal drinking age (not that Frank was complaining) The Phoenix was a nice place.   
Jimmy did a quick scan, checking they were alone, then, seemingly out of nowhere, he said. “I know you’re a virgin.”   
Frank’s heart rate sped up considerably. Wait. What?   
Jimmy saw his wide eyed look of panic and confusion, smiled as he walked slowly closer. Frank found himself backed against the wall (again), wondering what the hell was going on.  
Jimmy didn’t stop until he was right up close, then he reached out, reached into Frank’s pocket, pulling out the drugs he’d stuffed in there. “I mean these, angel.” Jimmy said, waggling the bag in front of Frank’s face. “But…” He continued, his other hand reaching down now. Startling Frank as he pressed his hand to the front of Frank’s jeans. “I do get the feeling you’re a virgin in more ways than one.” His hand rubbing gently. Involuntarily, Frank closed his eyes. He couldn’t deny it, that felt good.   
I’m not interested in Jimmy like that. I’m straight. I do not want to touch or be touched by Jimmy. I do not want to sleep with Jimmy. I am not interested in Jimmy. I am. Not. Gay.  
The thoughts danced in his head, right along with Jimmy’s slightly sing song voice. “I didn’t want you trying these things by yourself for the first time.” It took Frank a second to realise Jimmy wasn’t touching him anymore, it was just in his mind now, and fuck, Jimmy was grinning, he knew the effect he’d had on Frank, and fuck, of course he could tell, Frank was already slightly hard and. Fuck.   
Jimmy didn’t say anything, but he made a point to look down, before returning his eyes to Frank’s again. “Okay, sweetheart, we’ll do this together.” There were two pills in Jimmy’s hand, and though he was sure he’d been told, Frank couldn’t remember what they were. He didn’t want to ask again, he hated asking things twice, he thought it made him look stupid. Jimmy had already popped one of the pills in his own mouth, swallowing it easily, he smiled, tipping his head back slightly, as if he could already feel the affects. Maybe he could, maybe the whole process worked for Jimmy.   
But now he was waiting for Frank.   
He was frozen, no idea what to do. Scared, of all of it.  
Jimmy smiled, picked up the other pill. “Open your mouth.”   
Still terrified, Frank did as he was told, feeling helpless and silly. Jimmy placed the pill on Frank’s tongue, then, with a hand gently under his chin, closed Frank’s mouth. “Swallow.” Jimmy said, wicked grin back in place. Was it Frank’s imagination, or was Jimmy purposefully making this sound dirty? Again though, Frank did as he was told.   
And he found it wasn’t just Jimmy’s love for the drugs, these really did hit quick. Frank felt his head tip back, banging slightly against the wall, but he didn’t care. This felt…  
Fucking beautiful.   
He was suddenly aware of Jimmy again, he had his hand between Frank’s legs again, and his face was buried in Frank’s neck. Shit. That coupled with the sensation on the drug, Frank felt like this was going to be the quickest, dirtiest, best make out session he’d ever had (not that he’d exactly had many before).   
Jimmy detached his mouth from Frank’s skin, came up to whisper in his ear. “So, Frankie, you’re straight, huh?” Frank tried to reply, but his words choked. “I dunno, angel, getting this fucking hard while another man touches you… Doesn’t feel very straight to me.”   
Again, Frank tried to reply. “I’m guessing you’ve never kissed a man, have you?” Frank shook his head, he’d closed his eyes but he could feel Jimmy’s lips close. Oh God. So fucking tempting.   
Then. Suddenly, it all stopped. “You won’t today either, Frankie.”   
Frank opened his eyes, saw Jimmy grinning, as always, he was proud of himself. Jimmy giggled, actually giggled, like a girl, then grabbed Frank’s hand. “C’mon Frankie, we don’t want someone finding us like this, do we?”   
And again Frank found himself pulled along behind Saint Jimmy. Trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. 

The night past in a blur, part down to the drugs, part down to Jimmy’s usual whirlwind ways. No sooner had Frank got used to a situation than it changed. One thing was constant though.   
Saint Jimmy.   
Frank was almost certain Jimmy hadn’t let go of his hand all night, clutched tightly, as if he was afraid Frank was going to make a run for it at any second, which was far from the truth. Frank wanted to stay close to Jimmy, he wasn’t used to the drugs and he had a feeling he’d been drinking too much and yeah it was stupid but he kinda didn’t want Jimmy to leave as he kinda felt like Frank’s safety net.  
He completely ignored the fact that Saint Jimmy was the one who’d led him here.   
All night Frank felt eyes on him. Boring into him. He knew Johnny was staring again, and he did feel slightly guilty that he was in constant physical contact with another guys boyfriend, but he meant no harm by it. He wasn’t looking to make a move on Jimmy or anything.  
His mind flashed back to the bathroom. Pressed up against the wall, Jimmy’s hand on him and-  
Okay. Well. That hadn’t been his fault.   
You could’ve stopped him.   
Yeah. Right.  
Frank already knew you don’t, can’t say no to Saint Jimmy. You might think it, you might even say it. But, in the end you’ll always say yes. 

Johnny’s weren’t the only eyes on the two of them though. It might’ve just been Frank’s mind playing tricks on him, but it felt like everyone was watching them.   
Everyone was jealous of Frank, or in awe that he’d got so close to Jimmy so quickly. Most were a little bit of both.  
Once Frank caught the eye of the girl, Alice.   
She didn’t look jealous, or in awe.   
She looked sad again.   
Frank still didn’t get it. 

He didn’t remember getting home that night, but when he woke up he felt sick. He was glad he had a day off work, he’d woken up late again for one thing, and he didn’t feel like facing the world either.

Until that night.   
There’d never been any doubt in his mind about going back again.

After that Frank was going every night, Saint Jimmy always welcoming him with open arms, Johnny always giving him death glares. 

He was a little surprised when Jimmy started asking for money for the drugs, but then again, a part of him had expected it. Saint Jimmy was a dealer after all. And though Frank didn’t have a lot of money, it wasn’t like he had many other outgoings either. 

At first Jimmy would always take Frank off to the bathrooms, or round the back of the building if they couldn’t get privacy elsewhere. He’d help Frank out until he got more confident with the drugs himself. Then Frank started going alone, Jimmy watching him go, a wicked and proud smile on his face as he followed his movements.   
Jimmy never really tried anything like the first time, yes he was always touching Frank, leaning on him, sometimes giving him a few innocent (as it gets with him) kisses on the cheek. But he hadn’t put himself and Frank in any kind of sexual situation again. Frank guessed maybe Jimmy had just gotten a little carried away, and he was sorry for it, that’s why it was never brought up, never repeated. 

His opinion on that changed about a month later, however. 

Frank titled his head back against the wall, closing his eyes, waiting to see if the effects would kick in quickly again this time.   
They didn’t, but that was fine, he preferred the slow burn anyway, he’d found if they kicked in quick, they faded quick, if he had to wait… All the better.   
He went over to the mirrors, leaning forward slightly to get a good look at himself.   
He thought he looked pretty good, despite the slightly tired look around his eyes, he thought he looked better, more alive than he had… Ever.   
A grin (unconsciously trying to copy Saint Jimmy’s trademark) and then he turned away, heading, confidently out the door and back into the bar.   
Within seconds he was pinned against the wall, almost exactly where Johnny had shoved him into a month ago. Perhaps the boyfriend felt the need to reiterate his claim on Saint Jimmy.   
Turned out it wasn’t Johnny at all.   
It was Saint Jimmy.   
And, no sooner had Frank figured that point out than Jimmy pressed even closer, and, without warning, kissed Frank, suddenly and forcefully.  
A million thoughts rushed through Frank’s mind, but all fragments, none of then coherent.   
So this was what it was like to be kissed by a guy?   
He had to admit. He kinda liked it.   
Not gay, remember?   
Yeah… That wasn’t looking quite so certain anymore.   
It took a couple of seconds for Frank to get over the shock, relax enough to kiss back. When he did, it encouraged Jimmy further. He felt Jimmy’s tongue against his lips, demanding to be let in.  
And well. You can’t say no to Saint Jimmy.   
Frank found his hands wandering up and down Jimmy’s back, pulling him in closer, and Jimmy’s hands felt like they were fucking everywhere.  
Everywhere except the place Jimmy had touched him before. Which Frank was grateful for, he wasn’t sure if he could take that too right now.   
Then, just as quickly as it had started, Jimmy pushed away, smirking, wickedly as he saw the look of disappointment on Frank’s face, who eventually looked up at him again.   
Saint Jimmy said nothing, but he grabbed Franks hand, leading him back to the table full of people. 

Frank had just been sitting there, staring blindly, Jimmy’s hand still tight around his. Frank had barely noticed.   
He’d just been kissed.  
He’d just been kissed by a guy.  
He’d just been kissed by Saint fucking Jimmy.  
His thoughts were a jumble, nagging sensations of how wrong it was, but at the same time he couldn’t shake the fact he kinda liked the thought. He’d liked the kiss, enjoyed it.  
Kinda wanted more.   
Shit.  
He knew he was screwed. 

Frank was vaguely aware of Alice coming over, sitting the other side of him. “Frank? You okay?”   
He snapped himself out of it enough to look up, smile at her, nod. She frowned back at him, apparently she didn’t believe him.   
“Jimmy.” She said, leaning across Frank now to get to the esteemed leader. Jimmy spared her a brief look, then turned his full attention on her. For reasons no one could quite understand, Jimmy had a certain respect for Alice, and would often listen to her. Not every time, but then, that just wasn’t in Jimmy’s nature, after all. “Can I borrow Frank for a second?” She asked.  
Jimmy grinned. “So long as you bring him back in one piece.”   
“I think he’s got more to fear from you than me, Jimmy.” Alice said, rolling her eyes, though Frank got the idea she was more serious than she was making out. 

He found himself led outside, not something he was completely happy about. It was cold and he’d left his jacket inside. But at least it gave him an excuse to smoke, he felt like he could kinda do with the stress relief right now. Alice watched him as he lit up, waited until he took his first drag.  
“Jimmy get you on those things?” She asked. Frank looked up at her, first time he’d given her eye contact since they got outside, his annoyance clear in his eyes. “I already smoked.” He said, slightly indignant. He did not mention the fact that he’d been smoking a hell of a lot more regularly lately. Alice nodded, accepting his answer none the less. She waited a little longer, and in that time Frank was glad he had something to do with himself, he could sense how much more awkward this would feel otherwise.   
In the end, it pretty much came from nowhere.  
“Frank. I know what’s going on.”   
He didn’t look at her, suddenly feeling hot, though whether it was from embarrassment or anger, he wasn’t quite sure. “I don’t know what-”  
“Frank.” Alice cut in before he could finish his protest of ignorance. “Don’t. I’ve seen it enough times to know what’s happening. And to know where you’re heading.” Now he definitely felt annoyed. He didn’t need mothering. (In truth, he just didn’t like that someone else was saying the things he’d been thinking, trying to avoid) “I can handle it.” Frank said, sounding much more sure of himself than he truly was.   
Alice moved closer, a light hand on Frank’s shoulder. “But you can’t handle him.” On pure instinct Frank shrugged her off, but gave her eye contact instead. He frowned at her words. “Who?” He said, “Jimmy? I don’t-”  
“Do not lie to me Frank, I am trying to help you. Yes of course Jimmy, who the hell else? I’ve seen. I know.”   
A cold chill suddenly replaced the hot anger in Frank.  
Fuck.  
They’d been seen?  
Fuck.  
Why hadn’t Frank thought of that? He’d known they were in easy view, but he’d assumed Jimmy had checked if they were clear. Then again, knowing Jimmy, he’d want to be seen.   
Fuck. Fuck.  
“You…” He stammered “You saw us… When we… Um… You saw-”  
“No.” Alice said, saving Frank from repeating the same thing anymore. “I didn’t see you do anything specific. But the fact you seem so nervous about the idea tells me a lot.”   
And now he felt stupid for walking right into that. For making it sound worse than it really was. He lowered his gaze again. “We only kissed…” He mumbled.  
“It’s never ‘only’ with Jimmy.” Alice said, simply. “And I think you know that, don’t you?”   
Frank didn’t reply, but he knew, he did know that. And yes, some part of him was still telling him he should be worried, that this was going to lead somewhere he didn’t want to go, but at the same time, he knew he couldn’t help it.   
Alice’s hand was on his shoulder again, and this time he didn’t shrug it off. “I’m giving you the chance to go.” She told him. “If you go now you’ll be able to leave this all behind. Jimmy is interested in you, very interested. But not so interested that he’d go looking for you if you left.”   
And with that, the anger, the confusion came right back again. “What the… You think I should leave?” Frank asked, frowning deeply as he tried to understand. “What the hell? Oh don’t tell me this is another thing like Johnny. How many people want a fucking claim on Jimmy anyway?”   
Alice laughed, lightly, and kept a pleasant smile on her face as she told him, “Oh. No. Definitely not like Johnny.” She assured. “No one’s like Johnny. Poor boy…” She paused, the smile fading briefly, and Frank got the feeling she felt genuinely sorry for Johnny. Frank had a few guesses as to why, but, much like she’d known more about Frank than he thought he’d let on, he had a feeling she knew more about Johnny than anyone else did. Even Jimmy. Maybe especially Jimmy. “No, Frank. This has nothing to do with jealousy. This has to do with stopping you… Falling down the rabbit hole.”   
Frank caught the reference immediately. Alice in Wonderland. Clever. He took a second to marvel at the fact that she even sort of had the Alice in Wonderland look going… If Alice had been a vaguely punky 20-something year old. But he didn’t focus on that too long. He thought about what she’d meant.   
And he realised she’d summed up all the thoughts and fears he’d been having. He was scared he was about to fall into something, somewhere strange, mad even, and he’d have no way of getting out. But there was something else that scared him even more. “I don’t want to leave.” He said.  
Frank could feel himself shaking, realising what he’d just said, what it meant.   
Even with someone physically offering a way out, he wasn’t going to take it.   
Alice sighed, she had that sad look again, and now Frank thought maybe he understood a little of what the look was about. “I’d hoped you wouldn’t say that.” She said.   
Then she turned, started heading back inside. Paused, came back to Frank.   
Alice stood a lot closer to him, startling him at first, until he was more distracted by the hand she placed on his cheek. Frank had no choice but to look at her, to see her staring, intently at him, studying him.  
For a crazy moment, Frank wondered if a second person was going to kiss him tonight.   
“So innocent.” Alice said. Frank frowned, ready to ask what she meant, but by then, Alice had moved away and disappeared inside. 

He had no idea how long he’d been standing out there, still thinking over what Alice had said, still thinking over his own decisions, when a hand landed on his shoulder, a voice snapping him out of his thoughts, making him jump.  
“There you are, Frank. Thought maybe you’d run away from me.”   
Frank turned around, smiling in what he’d hoped would seem a normal, casual way. He had a feeling it was a little bit strained. Saint Jimmy didn’t seem to notice though.  
“I-” Frank began. “No. I just stayed out here a while, that’s all.” God he sounded lame, but nothing else came to mind. Jimmy grinned, slipping an arm around Frank, drawing him close. “Good. Because, I was wondering…” Jimmy trailed off, leaving Frank waiting, nervously to hear what was coming. He thought he had an idea.   
Jimmy leaned in, his mouth practically touching Frank’s ear, “How about you come home with me tonight?”   
It was exactly what Frank had thought. But it still managed to shock him. He didn’t realise that Jimmy was still talking. “I’ve got some… There’s some things we can do back at my place, not so easy to do here, even around friends.”   
Fuck.   
Okay, now would be a really good time to come up with an excuse, leave and, basically, take Alice’s advice. If ever there was going to be one last way out, this was it. All he had to do was say  
“Okay.” Frank nodded. His voice came out small, though he realised the magnitude of it. Jimmy smiled, wider, kissing Frank on the cheek. “Great!” He exclaimed.  
They were already leaving, Jimmy leading Frank easily, when they heard the shout behind them. “Hey! Jimmy! Where’re you going?”   
They both turned, saw Johnny, a smile forced on his face for Jimmy’s benefit. But Frank noticed Johnny’s eyes kept wandering to the arm Jimmy still had around him. A little vindictive streak crept into Frank then, he reached up to the hand on his shoulder, taking it in his own. Johnny saw, and his eyes widened briefly. Frank knew he’d got the reaction he’d wanted, even if he couldn’t figure out why he’d wanted it. Jimmy’s only reaction however, was to squeeze Frank’s hand gently, which, again, got the not so subtle reaction from Johnny. “We’re going back to mine, Johnny.” Jimmy told him, smoothly. “Is that okay by you?” There was an edge to Jimmy’s voice now, an annoyance, he was testing Johnny, daring him to argue.   
Johnny looked between Frank and Jimmy, trying to think of something to say that wouldn’t push Jimmy further, in the end though, he couldn’t help it. “But Jimmy I-”   
“Give us a moment, would you, Frank?” Jimmy said, sharply, though Frank knew the anger wasn’t aimed at him. Frank nodded, letting go of Jimmy’s hand, allowing the other man to untangle his arm from around his shoulders.   
He watched, awkwardly, as Jimmy grabbed Johnny by his shirt, dragging him a short way away.   
Not that Frank missed much of the conversation.  
“What the fuck is your problem?” Jimmy hissed.   
“My problem?! Jimmy, what the fuck do you think you’re doing? You’re going back to your apartment, our apartment with-”   
Johnny was cut off as Jimmy smacked him. Frank flinched, and took note that he never wanted to give Jimmy a reason to hit him like that.   
“OUR apartment?” Jimmy demanded. “I’ll tell you what Johnny, when you start contributing, then you get to call it yours, until then, you’re a fucking guest. And as a guest you have no fucking say over who is there and who isn’t.”  
“This isn’t about the apartment, Jimmy…”   
It was then that Jimmy softened. “Aww, baby.” He cooed, leaning in closer to Johnny. “You really are cute when you’re jealous.” Johnny smiled slightly, nervously. “Yeah?”   
“Yeah.” Jimmy told him.   
Then, abruptly pulling away from Johnny, he called over to Frank, “Hey, Frankie, what’d you say to having someone join us, huh? Make it a party?”  
Frank still didn’t quite know what going back to Jimmy’s place was going to entail, but, he knew there was only one right answer to this question. “Sounds fun to me, Jimmy.” He said, a little shakily.   
“Oh, it will be, I promise that.” Jimmy said as he rejoined Frank, his arm slipping around him again, the other arm going around Johnny, who, Frank noticed, took a tight hold of Jimmy’s hand. 

Johnny pushed his way ahead of Frank once they headed up the stairs to Jimmy’s apartment, Frank rolled his eyes but said nothing. If Johnny wanted to be a child, fine, Frank wasn’t going to join in.   
Jimmy opened the door, and Johnny bounded past him. “Fucking hell Johnny!” Jimmy snapped as he was nearly knocked over. “Sorry!” Johnny called.   
Jimmy turned his attention to Frank, who now hesitated. He’d seen something, doodled on the wall beside the door. It was only small, but it was perfectly detailed.   
A white rabbit.  
Follow the white rabbit.  
Oh for fucks sake…  
“Oh yeah.” Jimmy said, following Frank’s gaze to the creature on the wall. “Alice thinks she’s a fucking artist. I told her great, just don’t doodle on my shit, so what does she do? Doodle outside my fucking door. Women. Honestly.”   
So it was Alice’s… Somehow Frank got the idea this wasn’t just a random piece of art, it was a message, a symbol.   
Frank chose to ignore it. “It’s good.” He said, finally taking his eyes off it. Jimmy smiled. “Don’t you fucking tell her that, it’ll only encourage her.” A wink told Frank he was only joking.   
“Now, c’mon Frankie, you didn’t come here to stare at my door.” Jimmy stood aside, allowing Frank the room to step in.   
The place was tiny.   
Directly in front of him was a couch (on which Johnny was already sprawled out on), a TV directly across from it. On the wall opposite the door where stacks of magazines, CD’s, DVD’s, a CD player balanced on top of some of the magazines. The wall itself was a dirty cream, and here and there were ‘artistic’ touches. Drawings, doodles, scrawled words and writings. Fairly high up, in big letters were the words ‘I never liked you either!” And, near the centre, in red “rage and love”. There was much more too, but Frank couldn’t quite take it all in. Off to the right was a small archway, and just inside it, Frank could see a mattress on the floor, a couple of off white pillows and a light blue blanket strewn across it. Past that there was a kitchen, simple, but with untidy clutter making it look fuller. A large window which would bring in a lot of light if it wasn’t night time almost filled the wall furthest to Frank’s right. Set in the wall to his left was a small door, which, since everything else was accounted for, Frank could only assume led to the bathroom.   
The floor was dark wood, with various scratches and gouges in it.   
Somehow this wasn’t the type of place Frank had expected Saint Jimmy to live.   
“Home sweet home, Frankie.” Jimmy said, gleefully as he pushed past, after shutting the door behind him. Frank watched as Jimmy joined Johnny on the couch, hitting his legs and scolding him for taking up all the room. Jimmy held out a hand to Frank, encouraging him over. He felt Johnny watching him as he settled next to Jimmy, a bit too close even for his own liking, but somehow, eventually, they relaxed into each others company. If this was all Jimmy was after… A little company, well. There wasn’t anything so terrible about that, was there?

They must’ve been there an hour, flipping through channels, half watching TV, before Jimmy got up, headed for the kitchen.   
Frank looked over at Johnny, questioningly. Johnny grinned. “This is where the real fun starts.”   
Frank was even more confused, until he saw Jimmy returning, a collection of things bundled in his arms, he sat, cross-legged on the floor, setting everything down, then started to set it all up.   
“Want some help, Jimmy?” Johnny asked, eagerly.   
“Nope.”   
Frank was just staring, watching Jimmy. He should’ve known. Drugs, it was always drugs with Jimmy wasn’t it?   
Only this time, they were stepping it up a level, harder drugs now.   
Frank’s eyes landed on the needles and he wondered if there was an excuse he could come up with that was good enough so one of those didn’t end up in his arm.  
Johnny was off the couch, kneeling near to where Jimmy was working, “Oh c’mon Jimmy, it’ll be quicker if I help.”  
“You’ll fuck it up. Somehow. Again.” Jimmy replied, not taking his eyes off his works. “That was once!” Johnny protested. “Answers no Johnny, deal with it.” 

A few moments later, then Jimmy was calling Frank over. Hesitantly, Frank slid off the couch, moved down on his knees, close to where Jimmy was sitting.   
Jimmy looked up at him, smiling, bringing one of the syringes up to eye level. “Know what this is?” Jimmy asked. Frank shook his head, finding himself staring at the liquid inside, transfixed by it. “Fucking beautiful, that’s what it is.” Jimmy told him. “I know, I know, we’re skipping a few steps here, but c’mon Frankie, I’m offering you the best here, you’re not going to turn me down, are you?” When Frank didn’t answer right away, Jimmy moved closer, taking Frank’s hand, his thumb making soothing circles on the back of Frank’s hand. “It’ll be so good.” Jimmy promised.   
Despite all the voices in his head, telling him not to, Frank nodded, and Jimmy’s smile grew. 

Jimmy told him to lean back, against the couch, so Frank obeyed, closing his eyes as he waited for Jimmy. He felt Jimmy’s fingers curl around his arm, and he tried to keep calm despite knowing what was coming.   
“Jimmy…” Johnny said, a sulky tone creeping into his voice. “Why are you letting Frank go first? You always-”  
“Quit your fucking whining Johnny.“ Jimmy snapped at him. “This is Frank’s first time, only right I’m good to him.” Frank felt a hand against his cheek, stroking, it didn’t quite distract him though.  
“Fucks sake Jimmy, you make it sound like you’re going to fuck him or something.” Johnny grumbled, making Frank’s stomach knot slightly. Then he felt the pinch in his arm, taking away any thoughts other than that, other than the substances working into him.   
Shit. Was it really working already?  
Frank was aware of Jimmy letting him go, kissing him lightly on the lips, then moving away. Apparently to see to Johnny before he started complaining more.   
Frank was lost, utterly lost, but he didn’t fucking care.

He didn’t remember much else after that, and what little he did remember didn’t make much sense.   
All that was certain was that at some point he’d got back up on the couch, fallen asleep. 

When he woke up it was dark, almost all the lights out in the apartment, and, suddenly, Frank felt very alert. In the seconds it took him to regain consciousness, he’d sobered completely. He remembered where he was quickly enough, and so calmed once he knew and understood his surroundings.   
It was then that he heard it.  
Fast, heavy breathing, an odd smacking kind of sound.  
Groans of pleasure, and of pain.   
Allowing his eyes to adjust to the gloom, Frank then dared a look across the apartment.   
Though he’d kinda guessed it, he was shocked by what he saw.   
Jimmy and Johnny…  
On the bed. Together.  
Frank blinked, rapidly, as if that was going to take the images away. The real solution would be to look away, to close his eyes, turn back to face the couch and hope to fall asleep again soon.   
He couldn’t though. He felt sick, but he couldn’t look away.   
So much naked skin, both pale, making them stand out even more in the darkness. It might just have been because the light (what little there was) was directly on him, but Jimmy looked paler.   
Frank guessed it was because Jimmy’s business relied on the darkness of night, he rarely had cause to go out in the day.   
He continued to stare, knowing he shouldn’t, even knowing that he didn’t really want to, but it was like he was transfixed.   
This was sex, in real life. Not on a screen, but real.   
There seemed to be something so… Uncomfortable looking about it, on both parts. But while he occasionally heard sharp little breaths from Johnny, indicating pain, it was more often moans of pleasure.   
Jimmy, on the other hand, clearly had none of even the small problems Johnny was having, this was all pleasure for him and geez was he fucking loud about it! Frank was suddenly uncomfortably certain it was Jimmy who’d woken him up.   
That’s when it occurred to him… Did they even remember he was here? It was a small apartment, but possibly the drugs had-  
Suddenly Jimmy looked up, straight at Frank, causing Frank’s mind to stall momentarily.  
Oh. Jimmy remembered he was there alright.   
Without altering his pace even slightly, Jimmy grinned at Frank, then, to further confuse, Jimmy winked. Frank turned away abruptly then, his mind suddenly racing again.   
He had so many questions, so many thoughts on what he’d seen, on what was still happening behind his turned back.   
But there was one thought that stood out, and that he wanted to bury completely.  
He was wondering, just a little, what it would be like to be in Johnny’s place…

By the time Frank woke up again, Johnny was gone, and Jimmy was passed out on the bed, still naked and sprawled out with limbs at weird angles, the blanket covering the lower half of him at least.   
Frank wasn’t sure if he was meant to wait around for Jimmy to wake up and then say goodbye, but, by the looks of it, Jimmy waking up was some time away. And it seemed like Johnny had left without ceremony.   
Frank decided that was a good plan.   
He left in a hurry. 

But he was back again within the week, more people over that time, including Alice, who Frank saw drawing another white rabbit, this time hidden into the graffiti like wall. 

The drugs became ever more a part of Frank’s life, and, therefore, so did Jimmy. He spent more and more time either at the bar or at Jimmy’s place, it seemed like he was rarely home. And, apart from having to dodge the evil glares and hateful comments from Johnny, and despite the nagging feeling that he was in serious trouble, Frank felt like life was pretty fucking good right about now. 

That was, until the one day he couldn’t pay Jimmy. 

They were at Saint Jimmy’s apartment, just the two of them for once, Frank had come over to tell him. Well. To tell him he needed the drugs but he couldn’t pay Jimmy, not yet. He would though, he’d pay him as soon as he could, just not right now.   
Saint Jimmy smiled at him, taking Frank’s face in his hands. “Oh, angel. It doesn’t work like that, I’m afraid. If I don’t get paid… You don’t get the drugs, got it?”   
He needed them badly though. He knew he’d got himself in too deep, let things spiral out of control, but he couldn’t help that now.   
Frank didn’t know when, but eventually he ended up on his knees, pleading with Saint Jimmy to change his mind, just once, for him?   
“Shh, hush now Frankie, it’s okay.” Saint Jimmy said, soothingly, kneeling down with Frank now, taking him in close, holding him, stroking his hair, comforting him.  
“There are… Alternatives.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here we discover just how bad things can get... Frank finds himself falling deeper and deeper into a dark world.

Saint Jimmy stood again, letting Frank go, leaving him on his knees. Frank looked up, watching him, hopeful.   
Then Saint Jimmy unzipped his jeans.  
Frank felt himself physically freeze. He must’ve looked scared too, as Saint Jimmy reached down, a hand stroking, lovingly through his hair. “Don’t look so worried, Frank, nothing painful about this. And don’t tell me you’re inexperienced? Pretty face like that…” His hand stroking across Frank’s cheek, his thumb just grazing over his lips. As Frank continued to watch, Saint Jimmy tugged his jeans down, then, reaching in, liberated himself finally.   
“I- I-” Frank stuttered. “Aww.” Jimmy cooed, one hand on Frank’s shoulder, the other very, very lightly stroking himself, preparing himself. Frank couldn’t stop staring. “You really haven’t done this before, have you?” Frank shook his head. “It’s real easy.” Saint Jimmy told him, “I’ll help you.”  
Frank didn’t want to do it, but what choice did he have? Jimmy told him to open his mouth, so Frank obeyed.   
“Since this is your first time, I’ll go slow.” Ever a man of his word, Saint Jimmy took his time sliding into Frank’s mouth.   
Jimmy moaned, loudly.   
“Now, baby, you take your time, okay? Go at whatever speed you like, just- Just-” He grabbed Frank’s hair instead of finishing his sentence, guiding Frank through the first few strokes, then finally leaving it to him, once he got the idea.  
Saint Jimmy came, and the second it touched his tongue, Frank wanted to spit it out immediately, but Jimmy still had him by the hair, and wouldn’t let him go, not until he was done.   
“God you’re fucking good Frankie.” Saint Jimmy gasped, finally releasing Frank, who dropped to the floor. Jimmy didn’t help him up, instead he went over to the stack of CD’s by the TV, grabbed some of the stash from behind there, then, as he walked back past, threw the stuff, double what Frank had been asking for actually, on the floor beside Frank.   
Frank heard Saint Jimmy throw himself down on the couch, and finally made himself sit up again, snatch up the drugs. He didn’t look at Jimmy as he said goodbye, he just hurried out the door.  
He’d never felt so disgusted with himself, so ashamed.  
Something told him this wasn’t going to be the last of it though.

It wasn’t, not by a long way. But he didn’t find out what that meant for a few weeks.   
After that first time, Frank hadn’t gone to Jimmy for a couple of days, he was ashamed of what’d happened. But when he finally did go to The Phoenix again, Jimmy acted like nothing had happened. He hugged Frank, kissed him on the cheek then asked him where he’d been. “Just… Um. Nowhere.” Frank had muttered back. Jimmy grinned at him, knowingly, the only hint that he even remembered what’d gone on. “Well, you’re here now, Frankie… Need anything from me?”   
Frank had been scared to say yes, but he did. He had money though, and Jimmy didn’t press for anything other than that. 

Until the next time. Frank ran out sooner than expected, so he didn’t have the money on him. Again, he was scared to approach Jimmy, even tried to avoid him, but Jimmy knew what Frank needed, what he wanted.   
So Jimmy got what he wanted, Frank on his knees again.

Soon Saint Jimmy stopped accepting money from Frank, even when he could pay.   
“I don’t want your money, sweetheart.” He’d say, already unzipping his jeans.

Then, eventually, even that wasn’t good enough for Jimmy anymore.

“Jimmy… I- I have money today, really. Wouldn’t you rather-?” Saint Jimmy grabbed Frank by the arm, pulling him down onto the couch, Frank landed clumsily, nearly falling into Jimmy’s lap, which obviously made Saint Jimmy grin. “From you, angel?” Saint Jimmy purred. “No. I can get money anyplace, money is common. It’s everywhere, it passes from one person to the next, like a common whore.” Frank flinched, trying to back away as Saint Jimmy leaned into him. “You? You’re my sweet little angel, pure, all mine, only mine.” Frank’s back was pressed against the arm of the couch, Saint Jimmy practically on top of him. Jimmy leaned in, kissed him, lightly. He ran his tongue over Frank’s slightly parted lips. “Nothing and no one’s been inside this mouth except me. That makes you a lot more fucking special than filthy, common money.”   
Frank had known there’d been no point in asking, but he’d had to. He hated himself a little more every time he did this.   
Saint Jimmy pushed himself off Frank, laid down the other end of the couch. He let one leg hang off the side, the other he bent at the knee. Staring, grinning at Frank he reached down between his legs, touching himself. “C’mon, angel, you know you want to.”   
He didn’t, but he didn’t have a choice. Frank sat up, moved down to Saint Jimmy, awaiting instructions. Saint Jimmy grabbed his hand, placing it where his own had been. “The quicker you get me hard, the quicker you can get me in you. You do like that, don’t you, angel?” Frank nodded, but couldn’t say anything. “I didn’t quite catch that, Frankie, a little louder, please.” Frank closed his eyes, swallowed hard. “Yes. Jimmy. I do.” He could feel Jimmy, beneath his hand, through the fabric, getting hard. Suddenly Saint Jimmy pushed his hand away, and for the smallest of seconds Frank thought maybe he’d been let off. But then he saw Jimmy was merely undoing his belt, unzipping his jeans. Once again Frank was presented with Saint Jimmy’s dick, and he knew what was expected of him.   
Still, he hesitated. Two seconds too long for Jimmy.   
Frank found himself yanked down, even if he’d wanted to think about it any longer he couldn’t. Jimmy filled his mouth too quickly and it took all self control not to gag.  
A few minutes in, then Saint Jimmy grabbed him by the hair, pulling his head up. “Stop. Stop. No, Frankie, I want- I want more from you now.” Frank was confused, what exactly did Saint Jimmy want?   
One foot pushed Frank off the couch, and he nearly landed on the floor, caught himself just in time. “Get to the bed.” Jimmy told him.   
Frank looked over. The bed could hardly be called that. It was a mattress, with thin pillows and thinner sheets, Frank had only seen it being used as a bed once, by Johnny, and he had no idea how he’d slept on such a thing. Mostly people used it for sitting, or possibly splayed out, too high to care.   
Still, he did as he was told, at least it would be more comfortable than the couch, Frank had been curled up awkwardly on the couch as he sucked Jimmy, and it’d be a hell of a lot more comfortable than knelt on the floor, his jeans had holes already and the hard wood floor hurt Frank’s knees.   
Frank sat himself carefully down on the end of the mattress, watching as Saint Jimmy got up to follow. He was touching himself, lightly, again. “Get undressed.” Saint Jimmy told him, flatly.   
Frank stared. This wasn’t the way things normally went.   
“Didn’t you hear me?” Jimmy asked, shimming out of his jeans and underwear.  
“I did.” Frank admitted, shakily. “I just don’t-”  
“Get undressed, naked, Frankie, now.”   
Unsteadily and uncertainly. Frank did as he was told, Pulling off his shirt, kicking off his shoes, wiggling out of his jeans, finally he was just in his underwear, and Jimmy smiled. “I said naked, angel.”   
Feeling cold, in more ways than one, Frank slipping off his final article of clothing, standing, for a second, in front of Saint Jimmy, who smiled approvingly. Frank saw Jimmy’s eyes wander over him, seeing everything. He sat back down again, quickly, pulling his knees up close to his chest, trying to hide.   
Saint Jimmy had pulled his own shirt off now, and he was walking, boldly, towards Frank. Finally he crouched down, beside him. “Now. Lie down on your front for me.”   
Frank stared at him, more scared than ever. He knew what that meant, he knew what Jimmy wanted from him.   
“C’mon Frank.” Jimmy whispered, leaning into him, breathing the words onto his neck. “Lie down, baby.” A hand on his shoulder, a small, but demanding shove.   
Slowly Frank turned, carefully laying out on the bed, oddly grateful Jimmy had told him to lay on his front, he had a feeling he’d feel even more exposed if he was laid out on his back.   
The mattress shifted as Saint Jimmy moved over to him, Jimmy kneeling by his feet. Involuntarily Frank curled his toes. Then he felt Jimmy’s hands on the back of his knees, stroking down his calves. “Open up angel, gotta let me in.” Then Jimmy gently pushed his legs apart, sliding between them, moving closer.   
One hand on Frank’s back, one smoothing over his ass. “Looks sweet.” Jimmy murmured, his thumb stroking, teasing along the crack, not penetrating at all, not yet, but still Frank had to fight back the urge to squirm away.   
Jimmy bent down, kissing the back of his neck, working down his back, his thumb still gently moving, beginning to nudge into him, twisting occasionally.   
Frank closed his eyes, tight, it was starting to get uncomfortable now, it was starting to go in too far. And he was very aware that if this hurt it was going to be so much worse when Jimmy finally got to pushing his dick inside him.   
It was the first time Frank had had sex with a man (and, actually, the furthest he’d ever got with a girl was that one time at a party. Both drunk, in one of the rooms upstairs, she’d sucked him, wanted nothing in return. Frank hadn’t really been able to enjoy it, there had been no lock on the door and he was certain someone was going to walk in) and Saint Jimmy clearly revelled in being the first.  
“Baby, you gotta relax.” He purred. “I’m never gonna fit in there if you don’t relax.” Jimmy pushed his thumb in a little more, and Frank cried out. “Okay, okay, shh, baby.” Jimmy soothed, drawing out slowly. “No more like that, okay? I can make this better for you, I promise.” Frank didn’t believe him, but nodded anyway. A bit of shuffling around, Jimmy was getting something. Then a pop of a lid.   
“This may still hurt a little.” Jimmy told him, one cool, slick finger slid inside him. Frank screwed his eyes shut tighter, feeling every bit as Jimmy moved deeper. “Good, good.” Jimmy said, assuring, “You’re doing so good angel.” He drew the finger slowly out, then, quicker, he pushed back in with two. It was almost a scream that ripped out of Frank that time. Oh God that hurt. “Shh, shh.” Jimmy said, stroking his hair, lovingly. “It’s okay baby.” But it wasn’t, it hurt so fucking bad and it was so uncomfortable and Frank was feeling more and more ashamed and humiliated as it went on. Jimmy was working his fingers in and out now, stretching him out, occasionally twisting his fingers as they went in, spreading them once they were deep inside. “Jimmy…” Frank said, uneasily. “Please. Stop, I can’t-”  
“Hush, angel, I haven’t even got to the good bit yet.”   
Jimmy did his best, really, he didn’t want to hurt Frank, but there was never going to be much getting around that, in truth. As careful and as slow as he went, it didn’t stop Frank from crying out, screaming just a little. Then he bit down on his own lip to keep quiet. Saint Jimmy had felt big in his mouth. He felt impossibly large now. Frank was certain he’d be injured, possibly torn. He thought he felt blood on his thigh, but it could’ve been sweat or just his imagination.   
He didn’t quite hear Saint Jimmy’s exclamations, though he got the gist. Jimmy thought he was good, tight, this was bliss for Jimmy.   
When Saint Jimmy was done, he pulled out, rolled onto his back. Then, after a second, “I’ll get you those drugs now.”   
Frank couldn’t move. He was sure he’d hurt later but now he just felt numb. And sick.   
Saint Jimmy had said he wasn’t a whore, but he had a feeling that was exactly what he’d just become.

When Saint Jimmy came back from the kitchen, he picked up Frank’s discarded jeans, putting the earned merchandise in the back pocket. “Put them in there, sweetheart, so you don’t forget when you leave.”   
Leave. All Frank wanted to do right now was leave. He just wanted to disappear.   
But that required movement…  
He moved his legs slightly, worried they’d feel too heavy, but they didn’t. Pleased by his ability to move, he turned over, onto his back, wincing slightly as he did.   
Frank looked over and saw that Saint Jimmy had sprawled back out on the couch again, he’d slipped some underwear on, but nothing else. He had a cigarette between his lips, a small smile forming around the stick. Jimmy’s eyes were closed.   
Frank pushed himself up so he was sitting, then slowly started to reach for his clothes, putting them back on again. As he pushed back the covers to get his jeans on, something on the bed caught his eye. The mattress itself was an off-white, but something was standing out against that now. Something-  
It was blood.   
Frank felt his hands shaking, and he hurried up in his getting dressed. He had to get out of there. Now.   
“Leaving so soon, angel?” The voice startled Frank, and he looked up, expecting to see Jimmy staring at him. But he hadn’t moved, except to take the cigarette out of his mouth, his eyes remained closed.   
“I- I- Um…” Frank stammered. “It’s normal to bleed, by the way.” Jimmy said, casually. How had Jimmy know what Frank had seen? Or maybe he hadn’t, lucky guess.   
Now Saint Jimmy opened his eyes, and he grinned at Frank. “All virgins do their first time.”   
That was it.  
“Uh huh.” Frank muttered, getting to his feet, checking his pockets quickly, making sure he at least had what he’d come for. Then he was hurrying to the door, Saint Jimmy calls of goodbye and promises to see him soon were left without reply.   
But then, Saint Jimmy never actually needed a reply. 

Frank couldn’t remember getting home, couldn’t remember getting into bed that night. The next thing he remembered was waking up in the morning, feeling sick for reasons he couldn’t quite remember yet.   
Then it all slowly started to come back.   
Going to Saint Jimmy. Offering money, being told no.  
On the couch.   
On the bed.  
Naked and-  
Frank groaned, curling in on himself as it all suddenly washed over him, everything, everything from last night came flooding back.   
He dragged his hands through his hair, tangling his fingers up in it, pulling on it, almost like he was trying to get at the images inside his head, scratch them out.   
Shit.  
He’d had sex. With Saint Jimmy.   
He’d let Saint Jimmy fuck him.  
He’d lost his virginity to Saint Jimmy.   
And right now he wasn’t sure if he wanted to scream or cry.  
Frank laid back down again, curling up on his side, pulling the covers right over his head. But it didn’t stop the memories from coming. Hands on his skin, lips on his skin, soft whispers in his ear and-  
Oh fuck he hurt.   
This wasn’t how it was supposed to happen. This wasn’t how he’d been supposed to ‘lose it’. He wouldn’t call himself an overly sentimental person (though, deep down he knew he was) but…   
It wasn’t even that his first time had been with a guy, though that really hadn’t been something he’d considered. Not until he met Saint Jimmy anyway. Since that time he’d witnessed Jimmy and Johnny together he hated to admit he’d often wondered what it would be like… Being with Jimmy like that.   
Now he guessed he knew.   
And he realised how wrong he’d been. How wrong it all had been.   
Yes he liked Jimmy, in a more than friends kinda way. Yes, he wanted Jimmy. And yes, in an odd sort of way, he looked up to Jimmy, was in awe of Jimmy but…   
Somehow, he knew, that wasn’t enough.   
It shouldn’t have been Jimmy.   
Frank hardly moved from his bed all day. He denied himself food, ignoring the stomach cramps, at least that distracted him from the other, very distinct pain which he didn’t want to think about, but couldn’t help thinking about.   
He even tried denying himself the drugs he’d traded his virginity for, but, eventually, the idea of maybe, just maybe forgetting what’d happened through ‘medication’ became too tempting. 

The next time Frank went to The Phoenix, he found he couldn’t look Jimmy in the eye, and as for Johnny… He practically wanted to beg Johnny for forgiveness. Tell him that he regretted it, he was sorry. He shouldn’t have slept with Jimmy, even though he hadn’t had much choice.   
But the look of hate Johnny gave him when they first saw each other was even worse than usual. Johnny knew what’d happened, Frank was certain it was even Jimmy who’d told him. _Probably went into great detail… Probably told him exactly how I look, how I feel. Probably told him that was my first time._  
He knew Johnny hated him more than ever, and there was no way Frank could even think about talking to him, let alone asking for the forgiveness he knew he’d never get.   
He waited until Johnny left before approaching Jimmy.   
“Frankie!” Jimmy exclaimed, beaming brightly. “Now, now, I haven’t seen or heard from you since-” He made a great show of pausing, of looking around, pretending like he’d nearly been caught out, though Frank knew he’d done it on purpose. “Come and sit, Frank. C’mon.” Jimmy said, patting the seat next to him, which Frank moved onto, but barely perched. He wasn’t planning on staying long tonight, he felt too uncomfortable. “Umm… Jimmy. I, uh… I just came by because…” Frank still couldn’t look at Jimmy, but he could feel the smile on the Saint’s face.   
Jimmy laughed as he figured out what Frank was trying to get at. “Fucking hell, Frankie. What did you do? Take them all at once? Tryin’ to fucking OD on me, huh?” Jimmy was only teasing, but it made Frank flinch to hear him say that anyway. Frank shook his head. “No. I just-”  
“It’s okay Frank, now c’mon, I’ll hook you up. You know I always will.” He took Frank’s hand, led him outside. 

Out the back this time, and Jimmy had him pinned against the wall in seconds, his lips hot but soft as they pressed against Frank’s.   
Frank pushed him away quickly, with more force than he knew he had in him.   
He expected Jimmy to be mad at him. To hit him like he’d seen him hit Johnny before. But when Frank looked up, finally looking at Jimmy for the first time tonight, Jimmy was still smiling, laughing in fact. “Aww, angel.” He cooed. “What’s wrong? Did the other night scare you?” Frank looked away again, feeling embarrassed.   
Saint Jimmy came closer, too close, his body against Frank’s, hands on his arms and mouth against his ear. “Haven’t heard from you since, Frankie. I was getting worried about you. But then, your cherry being popped is something that needs a little getting over, huh, baby?”   
Frank cringed, Jimmy was talking about it so casually, it made him even more uncomfortable. “Johnny saw it, y’know?” Jimmy continued. “The blood you left on my mattress. He asked what it was. I told him it was you.” So Frank had been right. Jimmy had told Johnny.   
Jimmy stroked his hand across Frank’s cheek. “I’ve missed you Frank, but I understand why you disappeared, if only for a couple of days.”   
It was the kindness in Jimmy’s voice that did it. That broke him down, Frank turned his head finally, to look at Jimmy, only to find Jimmy’s mouth suddenly on his own.   
Frank didn’t push him away that time.   
A few breathless seconds later and Frank felt a familiar tugging. Jimmy was trying to undo his belt. Well, not trying, succeeding.   
He couldn’t be thinking about having sex out here… Could he?  
It was Saint Jimmy. Of course he could.   
“Jimmy.” Frank said, catching a moment when his lips weren’t silenced by Jimmy’s. “No. I- Not out here. Please.”   
“Shh.” Jimmy soothed, hand stroking through Frank’s hair. “Calm down baby. This’ll be good. You’ll enjoy this.”   
Frank’s jeans were undone now, and he had a funny feeling he knew what Jimmy was up to.   
His suspicions were confirmed when Jimmy’s hand reached inside his underwear.  
Frank gasped at the sudden contact, found himself awkwardly looking around, making sure no one else was out here. Was Jimmy crazy? They could get caught.   
Then Jimmy’s mouth caught his again and Frank couldn’t focus on much else other than Jimmy’s mouth, and hand. Jimmy was stroking him now, slowly, and Frank could feel himself getting hard, fast.   
“I was so busy with your sweet cherry ass before” Jimmy told him, again whispering in Frank’s ear. “I didn’t get much of a chance to become acquainted with your dick. I must say.” A quick, hot kiss and then Jimmy continued. “It was worth the wait.” Jimmy moved back ever so slightly, his hand staying firmly on Frank.   
Frank watched Jimmy, who, he could see, was looking down, watching himself working on Frank. Then he pressed closer again. “Oh fuck Frankie. You’re so fucking hot. I think… I gotta break a few of my rules.” Before Frank could ask, Jimmy was gone again, it took Frank a few seconds to realise he’d gone down.   
He let out a much louder gasp as he felt Jimmy’s lips around his dick, being slowly but beautifully swallowed. Frank opened his eyes, which he hadn’t realised he’d closed, and saw Jimmy, knelt in front of him. This couldn’t really be happening, could it? This wasn’t how it worked.   
That it was definitely what was happening. The roles were reversed, it was Jimmy giving the pleasure for once.   
While one hand tried to find something on the wall other than hard concrete to cling to, Frank’s other hand instinctively reached down, grabbing onto Jimmy’s hair, guiding him slightly, pushing him to go faster.   
_I’m gonna come, really soon. Just a little more. Just a little longer. Please Jimmy._  
Just when he could feel that very edge of euphoria, Jimmy stopped. Got back to his feet.   
Frank felt like crying in frustration.   
“I’m sorry angel.” Jimmy told him. “I was already breaking a load of rules there, can’t break another one.”   
Rules? What rules? What _fucking_ rules? Jimmy had never told Frank about any rules. Couldn’t he at least know what it was they weren’t supposed to be doing? (Other than the obvious)   
Frank opened his eyes, staring at Jimmy, waiting for some kind of explanation.   
He didn’t get one.   
Then Jimmy was slipping something into his pocket. “There you go, Frankie. Got what you want. This was fun for me too, so congratulations, no further payment needed.”   
Then he was gone.

Frank decided he wasn’t going to stick around tonight, he was going straight home. He couldn’t handle anymore.   
He walked past the usual table of the usual suspects, feeling their eyes all on him.   
How many of them knew?   
He didn’t stop, didn’t look at any of them, he was nearly out the door when he felt someone’s hand snag his elbow, trying to halt him. At first Frank assumed it was Saint Jimmy, and he weakly tried to shake him off. “No more games Jimmy, I can’t take anymore tonight.” He mumbled.   
“Frank. Stop.” He was surprised to hear Alice’s voice reply instead. He turned around. The look of pity on her face made Frank feel both sad and angry. The anger won out. “Guess you know then.” He snapped. Alice didn’t reply, merely shifted her grip, taking Frank’s hand, leading him back inside.  
“Alice. No. I’m going home, I don’t want-”  
“Just be quiet and follow me, alright? Do not make a scene about this.” Alice cut in, more sharply than Frank had expected from her. He backed down, silently nodded.   
They went right to the back of the bar, Alice carefully dodging the group of Jimmy’s adoring crowd.   
Down where there was one long table, which was hardly ever used, and off to the right, was a door. Frank had never noticed it before. Alice let go of his hand briefly to dig out a set of keys in her jacket pocket. She opened the door, quickly shoving Frank inside and following him, pausing only to lock the door behind her again.   
Frank gawped at the room he suddenly found himself in. It was… Gorgeous.  
Reds and silver and black everywhere. The walls and ceiling were red, the carpet black. It was only quite a small room, no windows. But it was filled with fancy looking couches, and cushions, all in reds and blacks with silver trims and accents. There was a large, red velvet curtain up to the right of the room, something hidden behind it. A large light in the centre of the ceiling provided a dim light.   
Frank wondered what the fuck this place was, why he’d never seen it before. And how come Alice had a key to it.   
“Jimmy’s extra exclusive ‘VIP’ area.” Alice told him, answering one of the questions he hadn’t asked aloud. “There’s only two reasons people come in here, either because they’ve asked Jimmy, or if Jimmy told them to. Believe me. You don’t want it to be because he told you to.”   
Frank felt a shiver run through him, wondering what Alice meant by that. Instead of asking that, he asked another question not yet answered. “Why do you have a key?” Alice smiled slightly. “Jimmy shares a lot of things with me.” Frank went to question that further, but Alice interrupted. “Not in the way you’re thinking, Frank. C’mon. Didn’t we cover this before?” Yes, but it still didn’t make sense to Frank. And he still had questions “Why-”  
“Frank. Listen. I brought you in here because it’s one place I’m pretty much guaranteed we won’t get disturbed. Not even by Jimmy. I’ve locked the door from the inside so even if he wanted to get in, he can’t.”   
“But-”  
“Frank. This is important. You didn’t listen to me last time, and look where it’s got you. I’m telling you now, begging you. Please, Frank, you have to get away from Jimmy, get away from all of this.” Frank couldn’t help it. He laughed. “Yeah. Sure, because it’s not like the worst hasn’t already happened, right?”   
“It hasn’t, Frank. Believe me.”   
“I guess I was wrong then!” Frank snapped. “I guess Jimmy didn’t tell you after all, because if he had you’d know your little warning is coming a little too late.” Alice shook her head. “It’s not too late, please, listen to me.”  
“I’ve already fucking sold myself to Jimmy!” Frank yelled. “I’ve been sucking him off for drugs for weeks now. And, two fucking nights ago I finally made the full transition to whore by letting him fuck me! Now tell me it’s not too late for me, Alice, go on! Tell me it’s not too late.”   
Somehow, without Frank noticing, tears of anger and humiliation had started rolling down his cheeks. His hands were in fists, he wanted to scream, and he felt like his legs were about to give out under him.   
Alice came to him, catching him in her arms just as he started to fall. She held him close, a hand on his back, rubbing comforting circles. “I know. I knew all that, but not because Jimmy told me.” Alice said, softly.   
“So how can you say it’s not too late?” Frank asked, his voice quiet and weak now.   
“Because it’s not.”   
Frank shivered suddenly. “You mean…”  
“It gets worse Frank.” But Frank shook his head, disbelieving. How could it get any worse?   
Then he slowly pushed away from Alice, taking in the room again. There was something about it suddenly that seemed… Off.  
“Alice.” He said, slowly. “Why did you bring me in here?” Looking straight at Frank, seriously, unblinking she replied. “So you’d see where you’re heading.”   
Frank shook his head, denying what he’d already figured out. “No. He wouldn’t.”  
“Frank. Please.”   
“No!” Frank headed past Alice, to the door now, trying the handle which he knew was locked. “Let me out of here, Alice. Right. Now.” Alice was there, one hand over both of his on the door handle, the other holding up the key. If Alice hadn’t trapped both of this hands, Frank would’ve grabbed it off her. “I’ll let you out, if you promise me you’ll listen to me and run away from here, away from Jimmy. Please. I can’t watch this happen to you too.”   
“Why? Why do you care so much?” Frank demanded. But Alice didn’t reply, she was too busy unlocking the door. “Just promise me, Frank. Please?” As Alice opened the door, Frank looked right at her, saw how much she wanted him to do this, to get away, to save himself.   
And he shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know how.” 

He almost ran home, forcing himself to sleep early, only way he thought he could get away from everything.   
But Saint Jimmy didn’t even leave him alone in his dreams. 

And meanwhile the rest of his world was also slowly breaking down. His employer wasn’t so impressed by him anymore. Frank wasn’t turning up on time, sometimes not turning up at all. He wasn’t working as hard, sometimes he did nothing all day, he’d even been caught sleeping out the back a few times. He was just so tired, all the time.   
Frank seemed to remember someone mentioning that to him. That hanging around Saint Jimmy would do that to you. Even just being in the same room as Saint Jimmy. He’s like a ball of energy, and he draws energy from other people, even if all you’re doing is sitting around his apartment.  
Then of course there were the times he was so obviously high at work, for a long time his boss let it slide, even tried to talk to him, reason with him.   
“Frank. Come on, you’re a good kid, you were a hard worker, don’t throw all that away.” Frank had ignored him. “I know, I know you think you know better than me, you’re young and you know everything right? But trust me on this, you’re heading down a dark path, and if you’re not careful, it might become too late to turn back.”  
“It already is.” Frank mumbled, pushing past the old man to get out the door, he still had fifteen minutes of his shift but he couldn’t stand listening anymore. Couldn’t stand hearing his boss telling him all the things he already knew. 

Frank went to The Phoenix, again. It was always either there or straight to Jimmy’s apartment. He didn’t feel like going there right now though. Not after last night.

The previous night Saint Jimmy had called him up, told him to come over. So, naturally, he did. 

Saint Jimmy had answered the door in just his jeans. No shirt, bare feet, just his skinny black jeans.   
An arm had gone around Frank, pulling him inside.   
“I- I’m good right now Jimmy.” Frank said, uneasily. His eyes wandered over to the bed, vaguely recalling, only a week ago, when Saint Jimmy had told him to lay himself out there, exposed, vulnerable. He remembered Saint Jimmy deep in him, claiming him. Frank didn’t want to think about it anymore, that he’d lost his virginity to Jimmy. The worst part was, Jimmy knew it, and was so proud of it. Now, more than ever, Frank was ‘his’.   
Even the beloved Johnny couldn’t claim to have ‘lost it’ to Jimmy, and it was obvious that was something Johnny was jealous of. That someone else had that connection with Jimmy, and he didn’t.   
Saint Jimmy was acting like he hadn’t heard Frank, which was possible, he often tuned out when what was being said didn’t mesh with his ideas.   
“I just got a sweet little score, but I mean little, only enough for two… Figured I’d give you first dibs.” Jimmy’s lips against his ear, from the sound of his voice, Jimmy was already on something, not that that was unusual. “You haven’t asked Johnny yet?” Frank asked, though a part of him just really wanted to take Jimmy up on the offer. If Jimmy said something was good, you could bet it would be enough to blow your mind. Saint Jimmy rolled his eyes, waved his arm dismissively. “Johnny. Huh. Little bitch keeps turning me down. Thinks he’s too fucking good for me, can you believe it?” Frank shook his head, and Saint Jimmy smiled, stroked a hand over Frank’s cheek. “No, angel, this one’s for you… If you’re willing to pay, of course.”   
Frank felt the familiar creep of cold come over him. He didn’t reply.   
Jimmy’s hand stroked down his chest now, snagging the fabric of his t-shirt slightly. “I need an answer Frankie.”   
Jimmy’s mouth against his ear as he spoke, then his lips pressed against Frank’s cheek, working slowly over his jaw line. Then Jimmy moved down to his neck, sucking softly.   
Frank knew what was happening, he wasn’t being given a choice, but Jimmy just wanted to hear him say it. A small nip to his neck and a hand fiddling with his belt and Frank found the words bursting out of him, involuntarily. “Yes, Jimmy. Whatever, whatever you want.” He hated it, he hated the words, he hated the breathy way his voice sounded, hated the way his breathing had sped up, hated how he could feel the blood rushing through him a little quicker, the familiar feeling just beneath Jimmy’s hand.   
Jimmy, successful in his task of undoing Frank’s belt, moved his hand down slightly, rubbing the front of his jeans a couple of times, waiting until he produced a moan from Frank. “Oh angel.” Jimmy said, proudly. “Make that sound again and I might just come where I stand.” Frank bit down on his lip, determined not to make any noise. Jimmy saw this and grinned. “Gonna play with me, huh, Frankie? Okay. We can play.”   
Frank found himself on his back, on the mattress, staring up at Saint Jimmy as he undid Frank’s jeans, pulled them off him, before getting to undoing his own.   
Knelt at the end of the bed, knees slightly apart, Jimmy didn’t take his eyes off Frank as he slipped out of his jeans, quickly followed by his boxers. Then Jimmy was above him, leaning over him, his knees either side of Frank’s legs. His mouth on Frank’s, demanding attention.   
Frank wasn’t quite sure when Jimmy got his boxers off him, only that he was suddenly aware that Jimmy had stopped kissing him, was looking down. Was looking at him.   
Frank felt embarrassed and exposed, the fact he still had his t-shirt on making the nakedness from the waist down seem all the stranger.  
Then Jimmy was telling him to turn over, to get on his hands and knees.   
“And remember angel. Relax.”   
Jimmy didn’t go as slow as last time, or as carefully. It was like he wanted to hurt Frank this time. Though his soothing words of comfort and encouragement seemed to disprove that. 

Jimmy gave Frank the drugs straight away, taking his share while they still laid on the bed, covers draped over their lower bodies. Frank decided to join him. Figuring it’d take his mind off what’d just happened. Take his mind off the pain.

It didn’t stop after that, every time he wanted something from Jimmy, Jimmy insisted on sex. The worst part of it was, there was a part of Frank that enjoyed it, that liked being with Jimmy. He hated himself more for that than he did for trading sex for drugs. 

Every now and then though, Frank would think back to that room. The room Alice had shown him. Full of red and black and silver and an air of very bad things.   
But Jimmy had never taken him there, had never even mentioned it. Maybe Alice had been worrying unnecessarily, maybe, whatever happened in that room, wasn’t going to happen to Frank. 

He, unfortunately, was eventually proved wrong on that. 

He’d been there for hours already, Jimmy had already given him what he needed, but hadn’t asked for anything in return, which struck Frank as odd, but maybe he felt like giving Frank a break for once? Unlikely, but possible. Saint Jimmy was unpredictable after all. 

Jimmy had pulled Frank up onto his lap, something that originally made Frank uncomfortable, especially as he was certain everyone was staring. But, eventually he relaxed, and let Jimmy take his hand up in one of his own, playing gently with Frank’s fingers.   
Frank was even enjoying the attention, for once sweet and gentle. Perhaps because Johnny wasn’t around, it meant Jimmy didn’t have to play up for anyone. This wasn’t a show. 

Frank didn’t pay the man walking into the bar any attention, but Jimmy did.   
He looked up, smiled. And the man looked back, a quick glance at Frank, but then focusing on Saint Jimmy, and nodded.  
Now Frank took notice. He twisted around slightly, to look at Saint Jimmy, to ask who that man was. It wasn’t someone Frank had seen around the bar before, and he was pretty sure he’d met everyone from the gang of followers Jimmy had. But this guy?   
Before Frank could get the question out, Jimmy patted his leg, gently. “Okay Frankie, jump off. Got some business to attend to.” Frank did as he was told, occupying the seat Jimmy had just vacated. He turned in his chair to watch Jimmy go. Saw him meet the man half way, shake his hand. Brief conversation. Then Jimmy was leading him somewhere.   
Frank watched, suddenly realising where he was going.   
He saw Jimmy walk right to the back of the bar, go to where he knew that room was, open the door and step inside, the guy following close behind.   
Frank turned around again, trying not to think about what he’d seen.   
_Someone else is going to be taken in there. Maybe someone already is in there._  
He thought of the room, with all it’s lush fittings and beautiful, rich colours, comfortable looking seats.   
And that curtain. That curtain.   
And he shivered.   
He was shaken out of his musings when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up, and saw Saint Jimmy, smiling softly at him. “Come with me sweetheart.”   
And Frank was suddenly very sure of where he was going. 

The nearer they got to the door, the sicker Frank felt.   
_Maybe I’ve got this wrong, maybe it isn’t what I think. Maybe- Maybe Alice was wrong._  
He knew he was just kidding himself though. It wasn’t like he could stop it, he couldn’t object, because then he’d have to explain to Jimmy how he knew what he did. And what if that got Alice in trouble? Alice had been so good to him, she’d tried so hard to warn him, to help him. But he couldn’t be helped, didn’t want to be warned.   
Didn’t want to be saved.   
He hadn’t wanted to run, because he hadn’t wanted to leave Saint Jimmy.   
Now he wanted to run. 

Saint Jimmy looked at Frank as they got to the door, seeming to sense Frank’s hesitation. He said nothing however, merely retrieving a key, like the one Alice had, from his pocket.  
Frank honestly could never figure out how Jimmy could fit so much stuff into his jeans pockets. His black jeans were skinny and fucking tight, yet Jimmy seemed able to keep his whole world in them. Money, merch, lighter, keys and fuck knows what else.   
Frank knew he was just trying to distract himself with these thoughts. He just didn’t want to think about going inside that room.   
The room Jimmy was now leading him into.   
“Well, Warren, this is who I was telling you about.” Jimmy said as he shut the door.  
Frank was too busy looking, trying not to look at the other man in the room, the man he’d caught a glimpse of out in the bar.  
He was tall, slim, not as skinny as Jimmy, but not far off. He had short blonde hair and a soft, though vaguely unattractive face.   
Frank couldn’t help but be afraid of him.   
Warren was openly staring at Frank, looking him up and down, giving Frank the uncomfortable feeling of being scrutinised, like he was something up for sale.   
It struck him, with cold force, that was almost exactly it.   
“A little… Little. Isn’t he?” Warren said, coldly. His voice was sharp, but not unpleasant.   
Jimmy placed an arm around Frank’s shoulders. “What you got against ‘little’, huh, Ren?” He asked, with a grin. “Well. He’s no Justin, is he?” Warren replied, haughtily. Jimmy let Frank go then, and marched up to Warren, glaring at him. “Justin, as you fucking know, is as good as fucking dead to me, and therefore you too. Now stop fucking pining after that low life traitor bitch and be grateful for what I’m offering you.” Warren lowered his head, then nodded.   
He looked past Jimmy, to Frank again, who was shaking slightly now.   
“You said he’s-?”  
“Oh. Very.”   
Once again, Warren nodded. “Thank you Jimmy.”   
“I should fucking think so.” Jimmy muttered. Then, turning back to Frank, Jimmy smiled. “C’mon, angel, nothing to be scared of.” He held out his hand.  
And though Frank took his hand, he knew there was plenty to be afraid of.   
Jimmy was leading him to the curtain.   
“I’ll call you when we’re ready, Ren.” Jimmy said as he pulled back the curtains, slowly revealing exactly what Frank had guessed, had feared was behind them.  
A bed.  
It was huge, a slightly darker red than the walls, same silver trimmings as the other furniture. Frank had the strong urge to back away from it, but Jimmy had shifted his grip lower, around Frank’s waist now, holding him still. “Frank.” He said, sternly. “That’s enough. Now, you have a debt you need to pay off, and I have someone desperate to screw something pretty, you see how we come to this conclusion now, Frank?”   
Frank was shaking his head, not because he didn’t see, not because he didn’t understand, but because he couldn’t believe this was what Jimmy was asking of him.  
Didn’t Jimmy always say Frank was ‘his’. Special. Not for anyone else.   
Didn’t he… Care?  
As he felt Jimmy tugging his clothes off him Frank realised, no. Jimmy didn’t care at all.   
“You think I’m being heartless, don’t you?” Jimmy asked, in a way that made Frank wonder if Jimmy had read his mind, he remained silent. “You think I’m doing this for my own pleasure, huh? Well guess what Frankie, I hate this as fucking much as you do, alright. You were the last person I wanted to-” Jimmy broke off suddenly, stopping the flow of his emotions.   
“No helping it. Now, baby, lay out on your front for me. Ren never did learn certain… Necessary things.”   
Naked, and feeling horribly exposed in every way, Frank still did as Jimmy asked, he couldn’t see any other option anyway.   
He felt Jimmy get on the bed, and get into a very familiar position at his feet.   
And Frank, idly, remembered something else in Jimmy’s jeans. Lube.   
Jimmy’s fingers inside him, and suddenly Frank realised how much he wished it was just Jimmy fucking him again.   
The thought itself shocked him.   
“You’ll have to learn how to do this yourself, baby.” Jimmy told him. “If you’re ever with Ren again… He’ll want you to. You’ve only been let off because it’s your first.” Then Jimmy paused, and Frank could almost feel the smile on his face. “After me, of course.” Frank felt like begging then, pleading with Jimmy to change his mind. Frank thought back to the first time they’d had sex, when Jimmy had been so concerned about him, surely… Surely that meant something?   
But, he knew it was no good. So, he laid there, still, waiting for it to get worse.   
And it did get worse.   
When Jimmy deemed him suitably prepared, he’d called out to Ren, told him Frank was ready.   
Jimmy guided Frank up slightly. There was a headboard, and Jimmy told him to sit up slightly, lean on it.   
Then Jimmy kissed him, lightly, on his temple. “For what it’s worth… I wish you weren’t doing this.” Jimmy whispered, gently into his ear.  
That almost made it worse.   
Then Jimmy was gone, and Frank could feel someone else there. Shifting, getting closer, he felt hands on his hips, and then a slight pushing and then-  
He couldn’t help crying out.   
“Fuck’s sake Ren!” Jimmy snapped. “You never did learn patience, did you?”   
Frank opened his eyes, which he’d closed, tightly as soon as Jimmy had left him, and now he looked, he saw the curtain was left open, and Jimmy was sitting in one of the armchairs.   
He was watching.   
And fuck, Frank had felt like Jimmy had used him before. Now he knew exactly what he was.   
He really was just a toy to Jimmy.   
And he knew, though Jimmy said he didn’t want this, Frank knew this wouldn’t be the last time.

That first time, Frank hadn’t learnt all the things he would come to learn. He hadn’t learnt the ways to move his body slightly to make himself more comfortable. He hadn’t learnt how to distance himself, mentally, from what was happening. So, that first time, he experienced it all, felt it all.   
And he felt all broken after. 

Frank had no idea how long it’d been since Warren left him, only that as soon as he’d gone, Frank had curled up into a tight ball. Refused to move, even when he felt Jimmy’s hands on him, trying to sit him up. Frank hadn’t responded at all. Eventually Jimmy gave up, threw the covers over Frank so he wouldn’t get cold. “I’ll give you some time.”   
Then Frank heard Jimmy leave.   
He was all alone in this hated room. 

When Jimmy came back, he wasn’t as soft on Frank anymore. He forced him to sit up, forced him to listen.   
“Here’s how this is gonna go from now on, Frankie. I’ll give you what you need, and you’ll do as I say. If I say you have to deliver drugs to someone, you do it. If I say you have to pick up drugs from someone, you do it. If I say you have to lie down, spread your legs and let someone fuck you. You. Will. Do it.”   
And that was exactly how it was.   
From then on, everything seemed to change. 

Frank would come to Jimmy, find out what was expected of him. For the first week or so any ‘transactions’ were done in the red room, but after that Jimmy started sending him out. “Some of these men are busy people, Frankie. They can’t be coming all the way over here, not even for me.”   
Sometimes it would simply be to drop off something, or to pick something up. More often than not though, Frank was paying off some other debt that Jimmy apparently owed.   
Then there were some who Frank was certain just fucked him because they could. It wasn’t like Frank was able to argue with them. Most of these men wouldn’t hesitate to tell Jimmy that he’d refused them, and then he’d have to deal with Jimmy’s punishment. 

Frank soon lost his real job, after his boss finally had enough. He’d been caught taking drugs behind the counter, crouched down where he thought no one could see. Frank thought about protesting, saying he was only taking them at this time of day because it was the only thing keeping him from throwing up. But he knew it would make no difference. He muttered a thanks and a sorry as he left.

He moved into Jimmy’s apartment the next day. He’d asked Jimmy if he could somewhere between getting naked and getting high. And Jimmy hadn’t hesitated to agree. Frank had assured him he had hardly any stuff, so Jimmy didn’t need to worry about the place getting cluttered. Jimmy had shook his head. “Don’t give a fuck either way, sweetheart.” He said. “This means I get you all the fucking time now.” 

The next four months past in a drug hazed blur. Always the same thing, but always different in some way. No matter what though, he’d always end the night in Saint Jimmy’s bed, naked, Jimmy inside him and telling him he was his. He was Jimmy’s.

He couldn’t always remember everyone else who’d had him, though he often remembered bits. He assumed this loss of memory was partly down to the fact he often tried to distance himself, mentally, from what was happening. That and a lot of things get washed and stolen away by drugs and alcohol.  
But it was true, he could never forget everything.

So many didn’t give a fuck about him, and though that often meant they treated him badly, Frank discovered that was so much better than the alternative.   
One guy he’d been sent to, he was sent to their apartment. And, unlike most, this guy had apparently made a fucking effort for Frank. He blushed when he opened the door and saw Frank standing there. “Oh. I- I know Jimmy said you were- But- Wow.” The starry-eyed look the guy gave him made Frank uneasy from the start.   
They’d gone straight to the bedroom, which was more normal, but then the guy had kissed him, which Frank didn’t like. He hated when they kissed him. Kissing spoke more of affection, about meaning something. He knew he didn’t mean anything to these people, so he hated them for pretending. Frank pushed him away, and turned his head, silently. “I’m sorry.” The guy said, quietly, embarrassed.   
The sex was gentle, if slightly unskilled. At least Frank knew by now how to shift his body subtly if it got too uncomfortable, especially with this guy, he was so concerned about Frank. Asking if he was okay, asking if it hurt, apologising if it did, asking if he liked it.   
Frank never liked it, but he lied for this guy, it seemed important for him.   
After, Frank tried to get out of bed, get dressed, but he found an arm around him, holding him back. “No. Please. Stay here, please. You’re… You’re so beautiful, I just… Once more?”   
Usually Frank would have no choice in that matter, but he was creeped out, so he made a hurried excuse and went to leave. When he got to the door, the guy caught up with him again, pinning him to the wall, kissing him fiercely this time.   
Frank had pushed him off, and got away, not looking back. 

One of the later times in red room he encountered someone he’d seen hanging around Saint Jimmy a lot, but he’d never learnt his name.   
Jimmy had sent him into the red room, told him to wait. So Frank had sat, awkwardly, on one of the couches, fidgeting, hoping it would be just Jimmy who came back in.   
It wasn’t Saint Jimmy.   
That guy had walked in, confidently, and smiled when he saw Frank. “I always knew this was where you‘d end up.”   
When he smiled, Frank saw glints of silver in his mouth.   
A few minutes later he was on his front on the same seat. The guy deep inside him, and Frank found out what the silver in his mouth was, they were teeth, fangs, sharp, they were digging in his shoulder as the guy bit down on him. “Don’t worry.” He’d said. “I’m not gonna drink you. Filthy thing like you.” That was why he’d paused to put a condom on too, Frank guessed. He didn’t mind, he was happy about that part. So many didn’t even pay him that courtesy. And as for not being bitten? The slight pain in his shoulder was enough as it was, he was glad it wouldn’t get any worse. Though, when he accidentally caught sight of himself in the mirror early the next morning, he saw two holes on his shoulder, dried blood around them.

Blood was a common thing for Frank now. Though he never got used to it, never got over it.   
But one time was so much worse than the rest.   
He was often scared by the people he was sent to, but this guy… Frank didn’t remember being so scared in his life.   
His first clue that something was wrong was that he wasn’t sent to an apartment or even a motel room (for those more ashamed of their habits and inclinations towards pretty young boys), but some sort of building, an old office space, he guessed.   
The guy had seemed okay enough. Maybe a little embarrassed by what he wanted to do, but Frank was used to that. He even decided to make it easier for the guy, asking where he was wanted, going over, undressing himself so the guy didn’t have to. There was a bed of sorts, which was good, often when Frank was sent to these kinds of places, there was just the floor. Or the wall, depending on what was wanted.   
The guy was rough though, and seemed… Angry. Frank had to fight back the urge to cry out, he could tell this was not one of those situations where he could get away with it.   
It was after that things got really bad.   
Frank hadn’t got up yet. He couldn’t, it hadn’t felt this bad in a while, he knew it would take him a few minutes to get to his feet. The guy had apparently gone now anyway, so he didn’t have to worry about that.   
He hadn’t heard the footsteps, so it was without warning that he was turned over on his back. The first, and only thing he saw was a knife, held up in front of his eyes.   
“If you tell anyone what happened here I swear I’ll-”  
The guys voice was barely more than a growl, and it terrified Frank almost as much as the blade did. “I won’t! I never do! Jimmy would never have it if I-”  
“I should teach you what’s right anyway. Fucking dirty little fag.”   
Frank could feel himself shaking, but he had no control, he couldn’t stop it, and he couldn’t move. He closed his eyes tight, just to try and get away from that knife.   
Then he whimpered as he felt the blade against his chest. “No.” The guy muttered. “Not there. Not good enough.” He felt the knife trailing down, then screamed as it finally cut into his inner thigh.   
A hand clamped down over his mouth. “Shh. Shut up. Shut UP!”   
Then he heard a loud clatter as the knife was thrown to one side, the hand suddenly off his mouth, and the guy moved away. “Go on, go! Fucking… GO!”   
Frank had thrown his clothes back on and ran for home, he could feel the blood seeping through his jeans, but he couldn’t care about that, he had to get home, had to get to Saint Jimmy.   
Jimmy had fixed him up with make-shift stitches, Frank unable to control his screaming. He was in too much shock, his emotions on hyper drive. After he was done, Jimmy held him, stroking his hair, telling him it was okay, it was over now. Frank eventually quietened and then Jimmy asked him the name of the guy who’d done it. Frank told him.   
He was never sent back there again.

Another night and Frank was in the bathrooms at The Phoenix, he’d come in there to get away for a little while. Just to get some peace. Jimmy hadn’t left him alone all night, hands and mouth on him whenever and wherever he could. Though Frank kinda liked it, it was exhausting.   
Then he’d seen Johnny come over. And then Johnny and Jimmy had started yelling at each other. Johnny was pissed off because of all the time Jimmy was spending with Frank.   
“You forget your fucking place again Johnny. You don’t fucking own me!”  
“You could at least have asked me before he moved in.”  
“How many times? It is not your apartment, it is mine and I decide who stays there. Be very fucking careful Johnny or I might decide you’re not welcome anymore!”   
Jimmy was also pissed because Johnny had taken off for a week, disappeared without telling Jimmy where he was going, when he was coming back, if he was coming back.   
“For all I fucking knew you’d gone for good this time.”  
“Oh, I see, so you moved dear Frankie in to help with the pain, that what you’re saying Jimmy? Is it?”   
By this point Frank had got up and left, he didn’t like being talked about like he wasn’t there, but he was also afraid that one of them would notice him. He was more than slightly scared what Johnny would do to him if he noticed him.   
So now, here he was. Hiding.  
Frank found himself standing at the sinks, hands gripping the sides, staring at the mirror.  
Fuck. He’d changed.  
His hair was getting long, but not overly so yet, just a little messy he guessed. He was a lot paler than he used to be. He’d become like Jimmy in that way, he hardly went out in the day. Without a job, he had no reason to even get out of bed until the afternoon, which was generally when Jimmy surfaced too. His eyes… They didn’t look quite right. Unfocused, though Frank knew he was concentrating on what was in front of him more than he had in a while. There was smudgy black surrounding his eyes too. Jimmy had convinced him to try eyeliner, then Jimmy had liked the look on Frank so much he insisted on it. Frank had to admit, he liked it too.   
Frank bit his lip, coming down on the new piercing he’d got this week. A little silver ring, to match the one he already had in his nose. Jimmy had been approving of these piercings, especially the lip one. But Frank hadn’t got it for Jimmy’s approval, he’d got it for himself. As a way of reclaiming himself. So many people took so much of him, he had to have something to root himself again.   
That’s why he had the tattoos too.   
Most of them were hidden under his shirt, but a couple were on his arms. He didn’t have many yet, but he liked them, had a feeling he’d end up having a lot more.  
As he stared at himself, he tried to figure out if he liked what he saw or not.   
He didn’t notice that someone else had come in.  
“Hey… I know you.”   
Frank glanced behind him, but he didn’t recognise the guy who’d spoken.   
“Yeah. I definitely know you.”   
Why did Frank have a bad feeling about this?   
Frank gave him a small smile and shook his head. “I… I’m sorry, you must have me confused with someone else.”   
“Nope. You’re Frank, aren’t you? Frank Ie-”  
“Maybe.” Frank interrupted, feeling even more nervous. How did this guy know his name? And if he knew his name, what else did he know? “But, uh… I gotta get back. I-”  
“You are.” The guy insisted, coming closer now, Frank stepped back, finding himself with his back against the sinks already. “You’re Jimmy’s boy… One of his errand boys. And, I hear, you’re his best one.”  
Oh shit.   
“Um… Yeah. About that. Jimmy’s kinda expecting me so-”  
“Your ass is practically legend, did you know that?” The guy was still coming closer and Frank had no where to go. He could feel the panic creep over him, suddenly knowing exactly where this was going and having no idea how to stop it. “And, they say you enjoy it. That true, Frank?”   
He couldn’t answer. If he said yes, he’d be putting himself in trouble right now. But if he said no and Jimmy found out what he’d said…   
So Frank kept quiet, turning his head away as he felt the guy press up close to him now, actually touching him, body on his and hands on Frank’s hips.   
“Don’t bother telling me ‘no’ Frank. I’ll know you’re only lying.”   
At that Frank tried to push him off, which only resulted in him grabbing Frank by the arms, turning him around, shoving him against the wall.   
“Apparently you’re a good little whore. So you can be a whore for me too.” 

Frank struggled, but uselessly. The guy had already reached around, undone his belt, working on his jeans. Then he was tugging them down. And Frank was struck by the absolute certainty of the situation.   
He was going to be fucked, right here, in the bathroom of Jimmy’s bar. And he couldn’t stop it.   
Frank screamed when the guy suddenly shoved a finger inside him.   
_Oh fuck. He’s not even experienced. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. Oh shit this is going to hurt._  
He could feel the finger coming out, being thrust back in again, no gentler. He wondered how long this would last. Frank had already begun the process of zoning out, taking himself away from what was happening, he didn’t even hear the door opening again.   
The next time he was aware of what was happening, the guy had been pulled off him, and Frank had fallen to the floor.   
He was aware of a fight, but not much of one. Then shouting. “What the fuck-”  
“How do you think Saint Jimmy would react if he’d seen what you were up to?”  
Wait. Was that… Johnny?   
“He’s one of Jimmy’s fucking toys in the first place. Fucking is what he’s there for. Jimmy can’t be too upset, what I hear he’s had his cock inside that little slut more times than anyone else put together.”  
“Yeah? Well Jimmy’s fucked me too, but you wouldn’t try this sort of shit with me would you? Huh?”  
The guy laughed “Not unless I wanted to suffer death by Saint Jimmy.”  
“Right. Now you apply the same fucking thing to Frank, you got that? Now get the fuck out of here.”   
The guy hurried out the door after that. And Johnny went over to check on Frank, who was staring at him, amazed and confused by his actions.   
“Don’t look so fucking surprised Frank.” Johnny sighed, holding his hand out to Frank, to help him to his feet. “I might not like you very much, but I wasn’t going to let that guy rape you for fucks sake.” As Frank hurriedly fixed his jeans he asked, “How did… Did you know I was in here?”   
“No.” Johnny said, with a shrug. “But after we were done arguing Jimmy noticed you’d gone. He’s waiting on someone, so he sent me to look for you.”   
“Well… Anyway. Thanks.”  
“Don’t mention it.” 

Johnny walked out with Frank, went to Jimmy, and Johnny told him what’d happened.   
Jimmy was furious. “Is he still here?” he demanded. Johnny shook his head. “Nah. He bolted out the door.” Jimmy narrowed his eyes. “Let me know if he comes in again. I want a word.” Johnny nodded, sombrely. Both he and Frank knew Johnny had just condemned that guy by telling Jimmy what he’d done, nearly done, to Frank. But at the same time they knew they’d had to. Jimmy looked to Frank now, held out a hand to him, which Frank took. “You okay angel?” Jimmy asked him, gently. It was times like this when Frank thought maybe Jimmy genuinely cared about him. Frank nodded. “Yeah. Johnny found me before it could get out of hand.” Jimmy glanced at Johnny, and smiled at him. “Good.” He said, then, suddenly all business again. “Okay Frankie, how about you have the night off? I’ll get one of the other boys to cover you, but… You’ll have to make up for it.” Frank never could get over the way Jimmy talked about the things he had him do. Made it sound like just a normal job, with normal shift patterns where hours could be traded. He felt a little sick at the thought that someone else would be doing everything they normally did for Jimmy, plus the things he’d had planned for Frank. What if it was some of Frank’s ‘regular’ customers? They’d be annoyed it wasn’t Frank, and some of them… Some of them he wouldn’t wish on anyone.   
But… A break was a break.   
“Thank you Jimmy.” He said. And Jimmy smiled, pulling Frank down so he could kiss him. “You’re welcome sweetheart.” Then Jimmy focused on Johnny again. “Take him home, would you Johnny? I don’t want him staying here tonight and I don’t want him walking home alone.” Johnny rolled his eyes. “He’s not a fucking puppy, Jimmy. He can look after himself.” Frank also opened his mouth to protest, to say it was fine, he could walk back himself, it wasn’t far.   
Jimmy held up his hand, silencing both. “I know he can Johnny, but I want you to look after him tonight, alright?”   
There was no point in arguing.   
They walked to Jimmy’s apartment in silence, and once they got there Johnny put the TV on.   
Frank was fine with that though. He didn’t much feel like talking anyway. 

When Jimmy finally came home that night he proclaimed he was exhausted and fell immediately onto the bed, still clothed, only bothering to kick his shoes off.   
Johnny rushed to the bed to join Jimmy, giving Frank a quick look to check if he was attempting to follow or get there before him. Frank just sighed, threw himself down so he was now laid out on the couch, his back to the rest of the room.   
He heard Johnny say. “I missed you Jimmy…” 

Things went back to as they were after that. Frank was sent out again the next night. He eventually came home to find the apartment empty. That was fine by him, his body was aching and the place he’d last been had left him feeling even dirtier than usual. He took himself to the shower, attempted to feel clean. It didn’t work. It never did. The fact he had to keep peeking around the shower curtain to check no one had come in didn’t help matters. 

The living arrangements were awkward. Frank tried to keep out of the way as best he could, but Jimmy was often insistent, often dragging him off the couch and into bed. Sometimes telling Johnny to fuck off. Because, well, Jimmy couldn’t let Frank forget who he belonged to, could he? 

Slowly Frank got used to all of it. He had no power to stop it. No hope of being saved. Alice would often come to him, asking how he was, he’d lie, tell her he was fine, the latest cuts and bruises on his skin safely hidden. Alice would always hug him tightly, and Frank always knew she was trying not to cry.   
Frank didn’t get upset about it anymore, there was no point. He’d grown numb to it.   
But not the pain. He couldn’t quite get away from that. Even Jimmy didn’t seem to have enough drugs for that. 

It was fucking freezing. Frank pulled his jacket tighter around himself, but it didn’t stop the shaking, and really, he knew the shaking wasn’t just from cold, though his thin top and torn jeans hardly helped.   
It was mainly withdrawal.   
How long had it been? A couple of days. The shaking had only just started. He was lucky it hadn’t started when he was with his last ‘client’. Most weren’t exactly understanding, but, he guessed so long as it didn’t stop their dicks from getting inside him they wouldn’t actually give a fuck. He closed his eyes briefly, not quite a wince. Trying to push out the fresh memories of tonight.   
At least this guy hadn’t been overly affectionate, or too hateful. Either extremes were bad. This guy had been simple, fairly quick, but… That time Frank did wince. Fuck, this time had hurt more than it had in a while. Frank figured that was down to Saint Jimmy. Last night, Jimmy had ‘played’ rough with him, and had ended up making things… Uncomfortable, and painful. Tonight tender spots had been pushed and re-opened. He hoped he hadn’t bled.   
Fuck… He felt dizzy.   
And sick.   
He ducked down an alleyway to throw up, try to. There was nothing in his stomach so he got not much further than retching and spitting bile, neither of which made him feel any better.  
Frank got to his feet again, hand on the wall, supporting him. He found he didn’t much trust his legs. Which was a problem, he was a long way from Jimmy’s, and he had no other way of getting there.   
He managed to keep going a while, but the shaking was worse, he felt more and more light headed and the cold felt like it was slowly freezing his bones.  
Frank didn’t know when he fell, only that he was on the ground, and there was a certainty that he wasn’t getting up. He could feel it.   
As he slipped into unconsciousness, a single thought rushed through his head.  
 _Follow the white rabbit._  
The ultimate rabbit hole. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
This wasn’t the usual way he walked back to his apartment, but he’d been suggested it as a shortcut. He had nothing to be late for, so he figured tonight was a good night to test it.   
He’d never liked alleyways, especially not in this city. You heard too much about things happening down them, but, he guessed, this was a nice part of town, part of the reason he’d moved here, but still. He was nervous.   
He was nearly out the other side, when he nearly tripped over something on the floor. He looked down, and then he realised,  
Not something.  
 _Someone._  
Forgetting caution, he crouched down beside the figure, taking a closer look.  
At first he took the boy for dead.   
He’d closed his eyes briefly, but then, beneath the hand he’d laid on the boy’s shoulder, he felt the boy move, curling up tighter, trying to protect himself from the cold and other dangers.  
He would never be able to explain what made him do it, perhaps he just couldn’t stand the idea of leaving the boy there, even for the few minutes it would take to get help. Maybe it was something else.   
All he knew was, without giving himself much more time for thought, he was lifting the boy up (oh God, he was so light, hardly anything to him, and he thought he had an idea of at least one of the things that‘d gone so wrong for the boy) and carrying him away from the would be grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (so someone has come to Frank's rescue... Could this, finally, be a glimmer of light?)  
> (I wonder who saved him?)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And finally, there is a glimmer of hope... But the road will not be easy.  
> Can Frank allow himself to trust his unexpected saviour?

The first thing Frank noticed when he woke up was how badly he ached, all over. Fuck… What’d happened? Where had he been last night? He couldn’t quite remember yet.  
The next thing he noticed was an odd, but certain feeling that something was different. Off. He’d woken up somewhere strange, and certainly not where he’d fallen asleep.   
Wait.   
He remembered now. The last thing that was clear was… The alleyway. He’d passed out, that was where he’d ended up last night, certain he was going to-  
But now he felt warm, and whatever he was laying on felt soft, comfortable, much more comfortable than the ground he’d fallen on, and definitely more comfortable than the mattress at Saint Jimmy’s.   
So where the fuck was he?  
Frank sat up suddenly, eyes now wide open, mind buzzing and awake. He couldn’t deny the panic he felt as he took in the room around him.   
The room was fairly big, though the bed in the middle took up most of it, with the silver toned headstand pushed up against the back wall. The light coloured wood door was directly opposite him, and he saw a wardrobe to the left of him, shelves stacked with books on the wall to the right of him, and a small chest of draws either side of the bed serving as two beside tables. The whole room felt light, bright. Cream coloured walls, gray sheets.  
He didn’t recognise it all.  
Frank started trying, scrambling for some memory after the alleyway. There had to be something, anything that would explain how he got there, what’d happened.  
He pushed the covers back, inspecting his arms, legs, pulling up his shirt to check his chest. What for he didn’t have a clue, but he found nothing anyway. He started slightly when he realised his jeans were missing.   
He nearly screamed when the door opened. In seconds he had pulled the covers back over himself, huddled up as close to the wall as he could, shrinking away from whoever was coming in.   
“Oh hey.” A pleasant voice drifted in. “You’re awake, finally, I was getting worried.”   
Frank didn’t reply, just watched as the person the voice belonged to walked in.   
He was kinda tall, well, taller than Frank, but that wasn’t saying much. And kinda slim, but in a healthy sort of way, Frank guessed. He had a mess of black, longish hair, and though the word ’pretty’ seemed odd to use to describe a guy… It was the only one that seemed to really fit. A pleasant, warm smile on his lips, and eyes that seemed both bright and deep even from here. He was dressed all in black, jeans and shirt, and yet there seemed to be something very soothing about him, calming.   
But not calming enough for Frank. “Who the fuck are you? Where the fuck am I?” He demanded, knowing his expression was twisted into something ugly.   
The man held up both hands, another soothing gesture. He’d been walking closer to Frank, but now he stopped, realising how panicked Frank was. “You’re safe.” He stated first. “I promise I have not, and will not hurt you. You’re in my apartment, about five minutes away from the spot where you passed out.” Frank continued to scowl, still no less afraid. “What am I doing here?”  
“I found you, you were… You clearly needed help. So I brought you here, to help you.” It still didn’t make much sense to Frank, but he was slowly starting to think maybe this guy really didn’t mean him any harm.   
One question in particular still remained unanswered however, and it was bugging Frank that he didn’t know. So he repeated the question. “Who are you?”   
Lowering his hands now, and coming forward ever so slightly, the guy held out his hand to Frank, “I’m Gerard.” He said. “And sorry I startled you so much.” Frank looked suspiciously between the hand held out to him and Gerard’s eyes. He’d found you could tell a lot about people from their eyes. So many of the people he’d encountered through Jimmy had practically dead eyes, or manic eyes.   
Gerard’s… He’d been right, there was a depth to them, but, the more obvious, surface part of them was bright, open, honest. Caring.   
Without thinking about it, Frank let one of his hands slip out from under the covers, taking Gerard’s hand, shaking it. “I’m… I’m Frank.” He said, his voice a lot quieter, a lot calmer now. Gerard’s smile got a touch warmer as he sat himself down on the edge of the bed. “Hey Frank, nice to finally have a name to go with the face.”   
It was then that Frank remembered the uncomfortable fact that he was currently only in his underwear from the waist down.  
He didn’t like that. He didn’t like that at all.   
Feeling the suspicion creep back in, Frank asked, “Where… Where are my pants?”  
Gerard nodded down beside him, “Just down there, on the floor next to the bed.”   
Frank’s scowl returned as he glanced down, spotting his clothing exactly where Gerard had said. Then, clutching the bed sheet tighter again, he leant down to retrieve them, slightly annoyed to find the bed was quite high and made it a little difficult to reach.   
He kept an eye on Gerard as best he could, half expecting him to suddenly turn on him. Expecting him to pounce, stop him from getting dressed again, pin him down and and-  
“Why’d you take them off me?” Frank demanded as he sat up straight again, jeans clutched tightly in his hands. Gerard laughed lightly, then, seeing that Frank was completely serious about the question, he stopped. Took on a much more serious tone. When he spoke, it was again in that calming, soft voice. “I only took them off you so you’d be more comfortable when you were sleeping. I promise I meant nothing else by it. I’ll leave if you want to put them back on again, in private.”   
Frank continued to stare, still frowning slightly as he thought about this. Trying to figure out the catch.   
Then, realising there wasn’t one, he nodded.   
Without hesitation or argument, Gerard pushed himself up off the bed, ready to head back out the door.  
“But!” Frank suddenly found the urge to pause Gerard’s leaving. He couldn’t quite explain why, but he knew he wanted Gerard there. Just… Not while he felt so vulnerable.   
Gerard paused, waiting for Frank to continue. “Will… Will you come back… Um. After I-”  
“How about if I come back in here in… Ten minutes?” Gerard suggested. Frank briefly thought about this, then nodded again.   
“Okay.” Gerard said, smiling a little more as he finally got a returning smile from Frank. 

Gerard carefully closed his bedroom door behind him, staring out, unseeingly into the living room.   
He practically threw himself onto the couch.   
What the hell was he doing?  
 _Nice one Gerard, you’ve got a random guy in your apartment. What the fuck was the next part of your plan going to be exactly?_   
He’d taken the guy- Frank, he reminded himself he now knew the guys name, in because he’d been pretty sure that if he hadn’t, Frank would’ve died. And, well, he didn’t know the guy, obviously, but he wasn’t exactly gonna leave someone like that.  
 _You brought him to your apartment! What the fuck were you thinking?_  
He should’ve taken him to hospital, or something. But… Gerard had his suspicions, and he had a feeling Frank would not have thanked him if he’d woken up in a hospital.   
The question now, of course, was what Gerard was going to do now.   
Running his hand through his hair a couple of times, thinking, Gerard came to the conclusion he knew he’d already made.  
He was going to continue to help Frank.  
Whatever that might mean.

After Gerard left, Frank found himself staring at the door for slightly longer than would be deemed normal.   
Frank realised he was surprised that Gerard had actually did as he said he was going to, and left him, giving him the privacy he wanted.  
Privacy that, Frank realised, he hadn’t had in a very long time.   
He snapped himself out of his thoughts, reminding himself he’d asked Gerard to come back, therefore, he had a limited time frame for this privacy.   
He slipped out of the bed. Gerard’s bed, he suddenly realised. Frank wondered how long he’d been asleep, he didn’t even know what time it was. What day it was. Had Gerard given up his bed for Frank?  
There was only one more option, of course, and Frank found himself making mental notes of each and every ache and pain he could feel. His fingers tracing over his skin. Arms, then shoulders, then hips, then thighs, starting his old ritual of counting bruises, checking for more, before he stopped himself, annoyed with himself.   
_This man has shown you nothing but kindness, he has done nothing to make you suspicious of him. He has taken you in, given you somewhere to sleep, let you rest, given you privacy when you’ve asked for it. Why are you assuming the worst of him?_  
But Frank knew the answer to that.  
 _Because the last person who was nice to me was Saint Jimmy._  
Doing up his belt buckle now, fully clothed again, Frank sat down on the edge of the bed.   
He was trying not to think about Saint Jimmy, but, apparently even when he wasn’t physically there, he was a constant presence.   
_“Don’t ever try to leave, Frankie.” Jimmy’s words hot on his ear between humid panting. Half naked on the couch, neither of them the same half. Jimmy still had his shirt on, giving Frank access to fulfil the task Jimmy had set him. Frank’s hand working to the steady rhythm Jimmy liked best. While his own jeans restricted him almost painfully, trying to rub up against Jimmy, to get his own release. Jimmy didn’t mind, didn’t care, didn’t stop him. So long as he was getting what he wanted.  
Jimmy grabbed his hair, tugging painfully, making Frank cry out. Jimmy grinned at the sound. “You hear me, Frankie? Do not. Ever. Try to leave me. I will find you and I will make you sorry for it. Got that, Frankie angel?” Frank nodded, at that moment wondering why he’d ever want to leave.   
It was only later that night, when he’d been sent out and found himself in another bed, that he realised just how trapped he was._   
Frank was snapped back to the here and now when he heard a soft voice behind him,  
“Okay for me to come in?”   
Frank twisted around on the bed, and saw Gerard in the doorway, smiling again.   
Frank found himself smiling back, then nodding.   
Hoping he wasn’t giving away how scared and worried he was. 

Gerard could tell Frank was scared. But he couldn’t blame him. He’d clearly been through a lot, and that was before waking up in a strangers bed.   
Gerard was starting to wonder what Frank thought of him. Whether he trusted him, Gerard had to admit he wasn’t sure if he would’ve. And, now he did realise how… Odd it must’ve seemed to Frank that he’d found himself part undressed. But… Gerard hadn’t been lying. He knew from the times he’d fallen asleep in his clothes he’d been a hell of a lot more comfortable with his legs free. Whether he’d done it himself or if someone else had done it for him, it’d always been a better sleep.  
It’d been a while since he’d had to deal with something like that, though.   
He could understand why Frank had given him such a weird look. Maybe he thought Gerard had done it to get a look at him, when that… That hadn’t been it at all. He hadn’t meant-  
Gerard thought of the bruises he’d seen, especially the ones on Frank’s knees, one worse than the other, the same one that correlated with the hole in Frank’s jeans. He’d caught a glimpse of some kind of scar too.   
He’d thought about asking about those bruises, now he thought better of it.   
Gerard sat down, on the end of the bed this time, a reasonable distance from Frank, he thought.   
“So.” Gerard said. “What’s your story?”   
Frank just stared at him. “Wh-what?”  
“I found you, passed out and half frozen. No one who has a simple, uneventful life ends up like that. So. What happened?”   
Frank fidgeted, head down, clearly uncomfortable.   
“Frank.” Gerard said, softly, somehow it made him look up. “I’m not asking just to pry into your life. You seem in a bad way and… I’d like to help.”   
As Frank continued to stare at him, frowning slightly, trying to figure him out. Figure out if the words were genuine.   
Eventually, he nodded, just once, apparently convinced that Gerard was being honest.   
But then he looked down again as he said. “I don’t- I don’t think you can though.”   
Gerard sighed, reached out his hand, thought better of it, laying it down on the bed in the space between them. “Frank. I-”  
Then he noticed Frank’s eyes were closed, and he looked suddenly paler, he seemed to be taking deep breaths also.   
Gerard closed his eyes too as he said, “If you’re going to be sick, bathroom’s the next door down, turn left.”   
He felt Frank ran past him.   
To be honest, he wasn’t surprised. 

For second, when Frank got inside the bathroom, he thought he was actually okay, that it’d just been a false alarm. That the twist in his guts was just nerves and fear.  
He was proved wrong.   
On his knees, tears streaming and throat already sore from the acid his body was rejecting.   
His head was pounding, and he knew very well what was going on.   
_More. You need more._  
Fuck. How long had he been out for?   
Pretty sure there was no way he could possibly feel worse than he did right now, Frank groaned.   
Then he heard the bathroom door open, soft footsteps on the floor.  
Oh fuck. Gerard was there.   
_Still want to help me?_ Frank thought bitterly.   
He thought maybe the worst was over, so he sat back, leant up against the tiled wall, he could see Gerard out of the corner of his eye. He was leant up against the doorframe, arms folded across his chest, watching Frank steadily, completely serious look on his face now, no trace of the earlier smiles.   
“What were you on?” Gerard asked, his voice just as serious. Not hard, not accusing, but very serious.   
Frank dared a quick glance at him, looking away again as soon as he could. “What… I-?” He winced at how weak his voice sounded. It was barely there.  
“I _said_.” Gerard repeated, patiently. “What were you on? What have you been taking?” He paused, waiting for an answer. When he didn’t get one right away, he continued, “Alcohol? Drugs? What kind? Smokes? Pills? Powder? Have you been injecting stuff? What?”   
Frank shook slightly as Gerard listed these things, he leant forward again, spitting a little, glad there wasn’t more. He leant back, very aware of Gerard’s eyes watching him. He drew his knees up to his chest, buried his face. Raising it long enough to say. “All of it. Everything. I- Fuck.” The familiar feeling crashed over him again, he scrambled forward, threw up again.   
“Everything.” Gerard repeated, behind him.   
Frank sat back again, no longer sick but crying now. He felt helpless, weak.  
“Well…” Gerard said, thoughtfully. “That’s gonna take a while then… I mean trying to flush one kind of toxin out of your body is hard enough, but you’ve got a whole mess of stuff inside you. It’s not gonna be a lot of fun. But I think you can do it.”   
At that Frank snapped his head up, staring at Gerard wide eyed.   
He didn’t mean- Surely he wasn’t suggesting-  
Gerard smiled slightly as he saw the look on Frank’s face. And he nodded.  
“You’re going to get clean, Frank. And I’m going to help you.”  
Frank thought that if he wasn’t very aware of how gross he felt right now, he probably would’ve hugged Gerard.  
 _Maybe there is a way to crawl back out of the rabbit hole after all._

Gerard left him in the bathroom for a while, telling him to stay in there as long as he needed.   
“If you want to take a shower, feel free. Towels are over there.”   
Frank nodded, and looked across the bathroom to where the shower was. He seriously considered it. But… Honestly. The idea of being naked, in someone else’s home, someone he barely even knew, for that matter, that… Made Frank uncomfortable. It only brought back bad memories.   
When he finally stopped feeling so sick, Frank went over to the sink instead, washed his face, stuck his head under the tap, letting the water run through his hair, shaking it slightly to dry it when he straightened up. Stole some mouthwash too.   
He had to admit, it all made him feel a little better. A little more human. 

Self consciously, Frank stepped out of the bathroom again, found Gerard sitting on the couch, watching TV. He turned around, like he sensed Frank was behind him.   
“Feeling better?”   
Frank nodded. “Just… Tired.” Gerard stood then, shutting the TV off as he did. “Okay. Get back into bed and rest then. I can sleep out here again tonight.” Frank frowned, he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. Last night he hadn’t had a choice, Gerard had put him into his bed while he was still passed out. But knowingly taking Gerard’s bed from him?  
Once again Frank was reminded of uncomfortable things. Of Johnny glaring daggers into his back. Of knowing he deserved it, because he’d stolen Johnny’s place.   
Frank started to protest, but Gerard stopped him. “Don’t worry about it. The couch pulls out, it’s comfy enough. At least, my brother doesn’t complain when he stays, and I slept alright last night, I mean, when I wasn’t checking on you, obviously.”   
Frank felt a sudden jolt as he heard this. Gerard had checked on him? That seemed… Oddly sweet.   
But he was also interested in another thing Gerard had mentioned, and as he wasn’t willing to bring up how touched he was by Gerard’s concern for him, Frank decided to focus on the other thing. “Your brother? Will he-?”  
“Oh, yeah! I mean. I don’t know if you’ll meet him. Probably, he’s round here pretty often. Don’t worry, the two of you will probably get on great. Just. Um. Don’t bring up drugs. Or drinking. He gets… He gets a little jumpy around those subjects. You see-” Gerard suddenly cut himself off, he’d been happily chatting away, apparently this brother was a good topic for Gerard, his face had lit up when he started talking. But the way he’d suddenly stopped… Frank got the feeling there was something Gerard had nearly said, that he hadn’t meant to. Frank knew better than to ask. You just didn’t ask questions like that. And anyway, what Gerard had said, about his brother getting ‘jumpy’ around the subjects of drugs and stuff, well, that made Frank uneasy. “So… Will he not like me? Considering…”  
Gerard had been frowning, deep in thought, but now he snapped out of it, shaking his head. “Oh! No! He’ll like you, I’m sure.” He beamed then, and Frank felt a little reassured.   
Though he couldn’t work out why he cared so much anyway.   
Perhaps he was just worried that if Gerard’s brother didn’t like him, he’d tell Gerard to kick Frank out, and then he’d be back where he started. And worse.   
_“I will find you and I will make you sorry for it.”_  
The memory from earlier suddenly took on a whole new meaning, one that terrified Frank still further.   
He hoped that Gerard really was as good as his word. 

The first night was easy enough. Frank all but passed out again, and though, once again, Gerard got up various times in the night to check on his new housemate, he also found enough time for a good nights rest. By the time it got to three in the morning, Gerard decided Frank wasn’t waking up, so he could afford to spend the rest of the night in his own, temporary bed.

The next morning Frank woke up, and he could hear Gerard talking to someone.  
He sat up suddenly. Someone was here? Who was it? Did they know Frank was here?  
It took Frank a few seconds to realise he was only hearing one half of a conversation.   
Gerard was on the phone.   
“Look. Something’s… Come up. I can’t make it in. No. Ray. I can’t! Well. That’s kinda the other thing. I don’t know for how long… A while. I’m really sorry but this is important. Please! Just find someone to cover for me. C’mon, do I ever do this? I promise this is really important, I literally can’t leave my apartment and- Oh holy shit. Thank you. Thank you, I’ll make this up to you somehow, I swear. I’ll call you when I know I’m coming back in, okay? Thank you.”   
Frank stared at the door, realising that through the small gap in the open door, he could just about see Gerard. He was standing by a table on the other side of the living room, leaning heavily on it. And Frank realised what he’d just done.   
He’d got time off work so he could be there for Frank.  
Frank wasn’t quite sure how to process that. It didn’t make sense. No one had ever cared much about him, and yet here was this guy who he’d known roughly twenty four hours, bending over backwards to help him.   
He wondered if he’d ever be able to thank Gerard enough for all this. 

That day, again, was pretty easy, really. More sickness, though not as bad, though it seemed to go on longer.   
Then, that evening a fever type feeling struck him, and Gerard sent him straight into bed again, though Frank protested. Protested he wasn’t tired, protested he didn’t want to take Gerard’s bed again, protested he didn’t want the covers over him. Gerard ignored all of these protests, even going so far as to holding Frank down, just lightly, one hand on his shoulder. Frank didn’t like that, smacked Gerard’s hand away, instantly regretting it, unable to make himself explain to Gerard, explain why he couldn’t handle it, being touched like that, being held down. But Gerard was apologising, explaining himself. “I’m sorry Frank, I didn’t mean to be rough with you. But I just need you to lie down, relax, you’re not helping yourself by fighting me.”   
Frank did as he was asked then, laid down, relaxed as best he could. Then Gerard was pulling the covers over him and Frank protested again. “I’m too h-”  
“Hot. I know.” Gerard said, laying the covers down over him. “I’ll get something to cool you down but trust me, you’ll be glad for these covers.”   
He disappeared then, and Frank kicked off the covers while he was gone. When he came back, Gerard said nothing. He had a washcloth in hand, and he sat down, close to Frank this time. Frank forced himself not to flinch away, especially when Gerard came even closer, laying the cloth on Frank’s forehead.   
“Any better?” Gerard asked, softly. Frank nodded, though still slightly uncomfortable with the close proximity.   
Gerard smiled. “Good.” Then, more seriously he said “This is the start of it.” Frank nodded, he knew exactly what this was.   
“It gets worse.” Frank said, not a question, but Gerard answered anyway. “I could lie to you and tell you this is as bad as it gets but… That’s not gonna help.”  
Again Frank nodded, appreciating the honesty.   
Gerard left him a little after that, telling him to try and get some sleep, he’d need to get as much sleep as he could, while he could.   
Later that night, Gerard found himself wishing he could take his own advice, but he was too worried to sleep.   
He found himself standing in the doorway to the bedroom, watching Frank as he tossed and turned almost all night.   
He’d given up trying to figure out why he cared so much, why this was so important, he just knew it was, and that, Gerard decided, was enough for him.   
Eventually Gerard forced himself to get some sleep, watching Frank wasn’t helping matters, and a least he was sleeping tonight. There’d be plenty of time for Gerard to be kept up at night without him doing it voluntarily now.   
He too needed to get as much sleep as he could, while he could. 

The next day, all Frank seemed to do was sleep, only occasionally coming to. Gerard was there every time him did. Offering him water or just simply offering reassurance. He only mentioned food when Frank did, and when he was asked for it, Gerard would go for only the shortest amount of time possible.  
It was a shock when, sometime in that evening, when Frank was just drifting off again, he suddenly grabbed Gerard’s hand. His eyes shot open and he was staring intently at Gerard, pleading. “You’re not- You’re not going anywhere, are you? You-”  
“I’m here. I promise.” At that Frank nodded, relaxed again, and fell asleep once more.   
Gerard stared down at the hand tightly gripping his own, a little amazed by it. Frank, who usually flinched from any kind of close contact had voluntarily taken his hand, and was still, in sleep, clutching it tightly. He’d even looked Gerard straight in the eye, another small miracle in itself, though, Gerard knew, his eyes hadn’t been fully focused, but even so…  
Frank didn’t let go until much later that night, when he woke up again, this time asking for more water.  
When Gerard went to get it, he was paused at the door by Frank’s voice again.  
“And and- Please, something to make my head stop hurting. Please-”  
Gerard sighed. He knew what Frank was asking for, and he knew this was only going to be the first time he’d ask.  
“I’ll see what I can do.” Gerard replied, wincing at the lie. 

From then, everything seemed to go downhill very quickly.

Once, while Gerard had been in the kitchen, it’d been a quiet day so far, so he didn’t feel the need to watch Frank constantly, Frank went into the bathroom, checking he could still hear Gerard in the kitchen as he did.   
Gerard realised something was wrong when he heard a few dull thuds, things dropping to the floor.  
He went to investigate, not at all surprised by what he saw.   
Frank was raiding the bathroom cupboards, desperately searching for something.   
“You won’t find what you’re looking for here.” Gerard said, making Frank jump, he spun around, at first looking guilty at being caught. Then his eyes narrowed. “So you… You do have some then? Somewhere, where? Where have you-”  
“No.” Gerard said, patiently. “I don’t have any, not anywhere. You misunderstood, Frank, and I think you did it on purpose.”  
“Liar!” Gerard flinched as Frank screamed at him. He had to admit, he was a little scared of him then. Not that he was going to show it, that would’ve been… Bad.   
“No.” He repeated, stepping in closer now, wondering what the hell he was doing, moving closer like this. But he needed to calm Frank down, that much he knew. This was quickly going to escalate if he wasn’t careful. “I’m not lying, Frank. When have I ever lied to you?”  
“How the fuck should I know? I’ve barely known you… A week.” It was two weeks, but Gerard didn’t feel like pointing that out. “So how do I know you’re not lying? I think you are. I think you’re just trying to fuck with me. You’re just like the rest, aren’t you? You want to mess with me, fuck with me. Well. You can’t!” Gerard paused, he’d been moving steadily closer, but now he realised what a big mistake he was making by doing that. He was agitating Frank further, and he’d just put himself in the line of danger. “That’s not what I’m doing at all.” Gerard said, still as calmly as possible. “I don’t believe you!” Gerard edged back just as Frank swung his arm out.   
Gerard backed off as quick as he could, but Frank followed, still trying to get at him.   
Gerard got to the door quick though, snuck out and closed the door behind him, locking it, effectively trapping Frank inside.  
Gerard rested his forehead against the door, hand still on the handle, finding himself breathing heavily, his body shaking just a little.   
The loud bang on the other side of the door made Gerard jump, but it didn’t make him move.  
He was sorry, so sorry he’d had to do this, had to lock Frank in the room like some kind of animal. He hated it, but he’d been scared, sure Frank wanted to, and would’ve, hurt him.   
Gerard could hear crashing and banging on the other side of the door, he knew Frank was causing chaos. He just hoped he wouldn’t hurt himself.   
Gerard slid down the door, turning around as he did, his back up against it as he finally sat.  
His head in his hands, Gerard wondered if maybe this all really was such a good idea. 

Gerard heard a loud smash, then a scream, and was instantly on his feet again, unlocking the door.   
“Frank?”   
It was all quiet in the bathroom now, expect for a few bottles of various substances opened which were slowly dripping their liquids. Gerard gave the bathroom a quick glance, noting that mainly, a few things would need replacing, but nothing major was actually broken.   
Except, of course, for the mirror, which was directly opposite the door.   
It was cracked, and near the very centre was the main concentration of the break, all other spider lines trailing out from it, Gerard couldn’t see exactly, but he thought maybe there was blood at the obvious collision point.   
His main concern, however, was Frank. He was curled up on the floor, on the bathroom rug, almost directly beneath the mirror. He was shaking, and it was obvious he was crying.  
Gerard stepped a little closer, then knelt down beside him. “Frank.” He said, gently. Frank didn’t respond, except to shake his head. “Frank, please, let me get a look at you. I think… You’re hurt?” Finally Frank uncurled himself a little, sat up. He was holding one hand close to his chest, and though his shirt was black, Gerard could still see the different kind of dark stain creeping over it, and there was red seeping out between the fingers that tried to cover the injured hand.   
Gerard held out his hands to Frank. “Let me see. Please?” Frank thought about it, then finally released his hand, holding it out for Gerard to see.   
It was a bloody mess. And Gerard tried not to let it show that he was a little shocked at what he was seeing. “Oh- Okay. Let’s, um, let’s get you to the sink, wash the blood away, then we can see what we’re dealing with.”   
Frank wasn’t protesting anymore, wasn’t fighting. He was just letting Gerard do what he thought was best.   
It stung when the water hit his torn knuckles, but he did his best to hide that it hurt, knowing Gerard would worry more.   
“I’m sorry.” Frank said, as Gerard’s hands carefully worked over his own, lightly smoothing the blood away. Gerard didn’t reply. “I’m sorry I… Broke the mirror, and made a mess in here. I’ll help you tidy up.” Gerard shook his head. “Don’t worry about it.” He said, shutting the water off now, grabbing a towel and carefully patting Frank’s hand dry. “I’ll need you to hold still while I wrap this up, okay?” He continued, as if Frank hadn’t been in the middle of saying something to him. Was this how Gerard got when he was mad? Frank couldn’t blame him if he was mad but… Couldn’t he at least say so?   
Apparently the worry was obvious on Frank’s face, because when Gerard looked up at him, he smiled, shook his head a little. “I’m not angry with you.” He said. “You’re not in control of yourself all the time right now. It’s fine. It’ll get better. You’ll get better.” Frank smiled back, amazed that Gerard could actually be so understanding.   
“Okay. There.” Gerard said, now done wrapping up Frank’s hand. It still hurt, obviously, but it wasn’t as bad, and having it covered, hidden, like it was made it a lot less scary. Frank held it up, took a look. It was a hell of a lot neater than any patching up Saint Jimmy had ever done.   
The thought of Saint Jimmy’s ‘patching up’ made a few of the many scars Frank had decorating his skin twinge slightly.   
“Not bad, huh?” Gerard said, proudly. “Yeah. Where’d you learn, anyway? Are you a doctor?” Now that it occurred to Frank, that scenario suddenly made a lot of sense. Who else would so readily care for another person? But Gerard laughed as he put the box containing the rest of the bandages, along with a few other things he’d gathered off the floor, into the cupboard under the sink. “No. I’m definitely not a doctor. But I told you I have a younger brother, right? Well… When you’re the big brother you… Tend to pick up some first aid tips along the way.”   
Frank couldn’t help but smile at that. Whoever had Gerard as a big brother was a very lucky person, he thought.   
Then he remembered he’d never finished saying what he’d wanted to earlier. “I’m sorry I… Said I didn’t believe you. I do. I… I trust you.” Gerard stopped, stared at him, wide eyed, and Frank was just as surprised by those last words. But he did, he trusted Gerard.  
Which scared the life out of him. 

Frank hadn’t just smashed the mirror for no reason. It hadn’t been just reckless violence, hadn’t just been borne of mindless aggression and annoyance at not being able to find what he wanted.   
Frank had made the mistake of looking at it as he was searching, and then, just like that, he’d found himself caught.  
He discovered he didn’t like what he saw anymore.   
Frank remembered looking into the mirrors at The Phoenix. How he’d thought he looked alright, passable, at least.   
Now he thought he just looked sick. Pale, tired. He suddenly longed for the make up that at least used to hide the dark circles under even darker circles. But then that reminded him of Saint Jimmy, of Jimmy holding him by the chin, telling him not to move as he carefully smudged around Frank’s eyes with black. Frank could never tell if Jimmy was being affectionate then, or just possessive. Knowing Jimmy, it was both.   
He stared at the mirror, trying to figure out what he was seeing, was that him, really? He looked thinner, again.   
And he noticed his lip ring was missing.   
_Did Gerard take it out? When? While I was asleep? What the fuck was he doing fucking touching me like that? Fucking creep, I knew-_  
Frank told himself to calm down. Of course it hadn’t been Gerard, why the hell would he do that anyway? Gerard had no reason to. And he’d proven enough times that he respected Frank’s privacy. Frank knew he wouldn’t have done something so intrusive, especially not without Frank’s permission.   
Then Frank remembered.   
The last guy he’d been with.   
He hadn’t liked Frank’s piecing. Said he could feel it while Frank sucked him off. So, unwillingly, Frank had taken the ring out. Thought he’d put it in his pocket… Was it still there?   
That didn’t matter now, because suddenly everything, everyone else came flooding back. And Frank realised exactly what he was staring at in the mirror.   
A nasty little drug fuelled whore.  
He hadn’t wanted to see that anymore. 

There was another time, when Frank tried to sneak out.   
At the time it made perfect sense to Frank, but later he wondered what the hell he’d been thinking.  
Gerard was in the living room, Frank could see him from where he was sitting on the end of the bed. Gerard had his back to the bedroom door, and Frank thought maybe, maybe he could do this.  
Frank got as far as the front door before he heard Gerard’s voice.  
“You’re not a prisoner here, you know?”   
Frank froze, not even daring to turn around. Fuck. Why’d he thought Gerard wasn’t paying attention? He was always paying attention. He should know that by now, because it was him Gerard constantly paying attention to. Gerard didn’t wait for a reply.  
“If you want to leave… You can. I won’t stop you. But…” Then Frank did look round, saw Gerard standing by the couch, his eyes down, he looked worried. “Do you really think out there is such a good option? I’m not saying here is perfect, but I-”   
Frank cut off the last part of Gerard’s sentence by surprising him.   
Moving across the room, Frank suddenly grabbed Gerard’s hand, tightly, almost desperately, and Gerard looked up at him, wide eyed, startled. Frank quickly dropped the hand, but didn’t step away. “I- I-” Frank tried to find what it was he wanted to say. He didn’t know, couldn’t figure it out.   
But Gerard seemed to know somehow, anyway. He nodded. Then Frank announced, quietly, that he thought maybe he needed to get back to bed. He needed the rest, to clear his head. 

At night there was either one extreme or the other. Either Frank would fall asleep and then Gerard wouldn’t hear a thing from him for hours, sometimes well into the next day.   
The other possibility was, unfortunately, much more frequent. Frank would hardly sleep at all, and when he did, it was a fitful sleep, one often so violent that Gerard felt the need to watch him just to make sure he didn’t hurt himself.   
Then there were the other nights, the nights where Frank didn’t sleep, couldn’t sleep, and cried out all night. Cried for help, and, some nights, though sometimes he was so far gone he couldn’t, but some nights he cried out to Gerard. Knowing he was there.   
When Frank called for him, Gerard would go to him, otherwise, he kept his distance. 

One night Frank had started out well, fallen straight to sleep, and Gerard had hoped this one would be an easy night, perhaps he could get some sleep again finally.  
But then, round about two in the morning, he heard him.  
Gerard got up, went to the bedroom door and looked in.   
Frank had kicked away the covers, and he was curled up in middle of the bed, shaking, crying.   
When he heard his name in amongst the sobbed mumblings, Gerard stepped inside, and very tentatively got up on the bed.  
“Hey.” He said, softly. “I’m here.”   
Frank raised his head slightly, caught sight of Gerard, then threw himself forward, arms going around Gerard, head burying against his chest.   
Gerard was slightly surprised, but nervously laughed it off. “Okay, it’s okay. I told you, I’m here.” Frank nodded, but said nothing.   
Gerard put his arms loosely around Frank, pulling him a little closer.  
Sensing it was okay to do so, Gerard gently stroked Franks hair, calming him further.  
Eventually, Frank fell asleep again, and Gerard carefully untangled himself, went back to the other bed.  
Just slightly surprised by how… Empty it felt.

The nights were always worse. Perhaps because Gerard was so tired then. He didn’t think he’d slept a full night since Frank had been here. It was impossible to. He’d tried sleeping during the day, but that proved just as difficult. Frank was generally easier, calmer in the day, but then everyday tasks prevented Gerard getting any real rest.  
Another night, and Gerard was sat in the doorway to the bedroom, exhausted but not giving up his post.  
Frank was bad tonight. Screaming, crying. When he could hear what Frank was saying, Gerard wished he couldn’t. He was begging for his drugs. Alternately pleading Gerard and cursing him. Telling him it was his fault this hurt so much.   
Gerard could hardly stand it. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave the room, to leave Frank.   
So he stayed, he listened.   
God. He’d known this was going to be difficult, but he hadn’t realised how difficult.   
He just wanted to find a way to take it all away, make Frank stop hurting.   
Find a way to stop him crying. Take away the stomach cramps and pounding headaches. Take away the sickness and the nasty, scary thoughts in his head.  
Gerard just wanted to help him. But there was nothing he could do. Nothing except sit and watch and listen. Nothing but try to comfort him.   
But when Frank was like this… He couldn’t even do that part. Frank wouldn’t let Gerard near him. He’d tried before, only to have Frank lash out, hit him. Gerard had caught the look in his eyes when he did that though, he did it because he was scared. Scared Gerard was going to hurt him or… Something.   
“Gerard…”   
He closed his eyes, tight. Fuck. Frank sounded like he was in so much pain.   
“Gerard. Please. Come- Come here I _need_ ” The last word almost a scream, and Gerard flinched.   
He couldn’t stop himself, he was on his feet and going over to the bed, sitting down, tentatively, on the edge of it.   
Gerard went to reach out his hand, but thought better of it. “I’m here.” He said, quietly.   
Frank sat up slightly, looked at Gerard. It was dark in the room but Gerard could see from the dim light coming from the rest of the apartment that Frank’s face was a mess of sweat and tears.   
“You- You know how to make this stop. Don’t you?” Frank asked.   
Gerard shook his head, not because he didn’t know, but because if he gave Frank that option now, he’d undo everything, and Frank would have to start all over again.   
“You do!” Frank insisted, hint of anger in his voice now.   
Gerard grabbed him by the shoulders then, making him flinch and yelp. Gerard ignored him. “Fine. You want to hear it? Yes. I know exactly what would make this stop. I know how to make you stop hurting. But I am not going to give it to you. First, because I don’t have it and second because you are so fucking far along to being better I am not letting you take that massive step backwards, you got that?”   
Frank stared at him, wide eyed, clearly taking this in.   
Then he fell into Gerard and started crying again.

There were a couple more bad nights like that, when both of them thought this was never going to end.  
But then, finally, slowly, things started to get a little easier.

Frank would sleep, peacefully in the day, and through some of the night. When he was awake he was still suffering, but was more lucid.  
He felt more in control. He didn’t feel like this head was exploding into a million pieces, things made more sense. When he looked at Gerard, he saw Gerard, just him.  
Not the skewed and strange image he’d been seeing. Sometimes it was him, just blurred, out of focus. But other times he… It was like he wasn’t staying him. One second it’d be Gerard, this person he’d somehow come to trust, then it’d be…  
Frank wondered how he ever remembered the faces of the men who fucked him. But there they were.   
A few times he saw Saint Jimmy. And then Frank had cried, for so many reasons. Because he was scared of Jimmy, because he remembered all the things he’d done. Because, despite all of it…  
He missed Jimmy. And that scared him the most.   
But no. Now he just saw Gerard, and he was grateful for that. He found Gerard such a comfort. It was strange, Frank wasn’t the type who trusted easily. Especially not now, especially not men but… Gerard had something calming about him. Something caring. Frank couldn’t help but feel safe. 

Gerard eventually felt it was okay to sleep at night, Frank didn’t need as much watching. He hadn’t done anything to hurt himself (like thrashing around the bed and nearly falling. It’d happened a few times). And he hadn’t been sick, physically, for a few days.  
He was so grateful for the rest, each day he sleep in for far longer than he should have.   
And, eventually one day, round about midday, Gerard woke up to find Frank joining him on his substitute bed. Perched on the end of it, nearly sitting on Gerard’s feet. The TV was on, and Frank was half watching it.   
It took Gerard a few seconds to fully register what he was seeing, then he grinned, sitting up slightly as he rubbed, tiredly at his eyes, then attempting to push his hair away from them. Frank looked over at him, smiling nervously. “I. Um. I hope you’re okay with me sitting here, I just-” Gerard shook his head, “It’s fine.” He assured.   
Frank nodded, then went back to focusing on the TV. Though Gerard suspected he was only using that as a distraction. That was fine too.   
Gerard just continued to smile. Taking Frank in slowly. He was in some of the clothes Gerard had found for him, a little big for him, but clean. In fact, he looked clean. Gerard wondered if Frank had used the shower this morning already. Though a little nervous, Frank looked much more comfortable than Gerard could remember seeing him. Healthier too, his skin less sallow.   
He was certainly not the broken little boy Gerard had picked up off the street anymore, not entirely anyway.   
Gerard suspected Frank still had a long way to go, but this, definitely, was progress.   
It took Gerard a long time to bring himself to get out of bed that morning. He was happy, content, sitting there like that, with Frank.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Frank over the worst, Gerard attempts to bring in some normalcy.   
> However, both are beginning to notice something... Unexpected.

Finally, Gerard decided Frank was over the worst now, and could handle a day alone in the apartment.  
And, well, Gerard was getting a little sick of the amount of missed calls on his phone, from Ray, asking him to come back to work. He knew he’d been pushing it though, over a month… It probably was time to head back.  
It was going to be fun explaining where he’d been, wasn’t it? 

By the time Frank dragged himself out of bed, Gerard was dressed and running around the apartment, apparently looking for something.   
“Where the fuck is that fucking- Oh! Morning!” He stopped, suddenly, when he saw Frank, and smiled at him.   
Frank smiled slightly in return, but a frown was more evident.   
Gerard hadn’t woken up before him in… A while.   
Frank took in Gerard’s appearance too, and noticed, though still casual he looked… A little smarter. His hair, which sometimes Gerard ignored for days, had clearly seen a brush this morning, and then Frank spotted the bag by the door, just a simple black shoulder bag but… He’d never seen it before.   
He looked back at Gerard, eyes slightly narrowed.   
“You’re going somewhere.”   
Gerard’s smile faltered slightly, and he looked away from Frank, almost guiltily.  
“Yeah… I- I was gonna tell you before I went though. I just… I have to go back to work, Frank. I-”  
“It’s okay. I’ll… I’ll be okay on my own.” Frank said, more surely than he felt.   
In reality, he’d felt a massive jolt of fear run through him as soon as he realised.  
He was going to be left, on his own, for most of the day.   
Now, before, being alone hadn’t been a problem for Frank, he’d liked being alone, even. After all, he’d been very much alone when he first got to the city but…  
Now. So much was different. There was so much that scared him, worried him.   
Frank suddenly realised just how much he depended on Gerard. Not just for the things he did for him, but for just being there in the first place.   
Gerard frowned at him, and Frank knew he didn’t believe him, Gerard knew Frank was just saying that.  
But, he couldn’t take more time off work, he could be waiting indefinitely for Frank to be okay to be left alone. Gerard had barely been out of the apartment all month. Only leaving, for a couple of hours, at most, to buy any essentials.   
“I’m sorry but I-”  
“Really, Gerard, it’s okay, I’ll be fine, promise.” That time Frank even tried a smile.  
Gerard was still frowning, but it wasn’t like he had much of a choice.   
“Okay.” He said, nodding, then he walked back into the bathroom, apparently to continue getting ready. “Well… You know where everything is, um, help yourself to anything you can find in the kitchen.” Frank followed him, listening, but just barely. In his head he was still panicking at the thought of being left alone.   
Then Frank noticed what Gerard was doing.  
He was in front of the mirror (which Gerard had replaced soon after the ‘incident’), with a little black stick in hand.  
For a brief moment, Frank was transported back, to the bathrooms at The Phoenix, a similar black stick tracing a similar line around his own eyes.   
But the way Gerard was applying the eyeliner wasn’t like the way Saint Jimmy had worn it, how Frank had worn it. This was thin, delicate and very neat.   
When Gerard turned away from the mirror, Frank felt a strange little jolt.   
The small amount of black had made a big impact. Frank found it difficult to look away, but he did, conscious he was staring.   
Gerard laughed. “What? Did I do it crooked?” He was half way to turning back to the mirror, before Frank blurted, “No!”  
Gerard turned back again, small smile on his lips, though clearly confused, and Frank realised he kinda had to continue now. “It… It looks good.”  
He could feel himself blushing.  
The smile on Gerard’s lips turned a little shy then. “Thanks.” Then, checking his watch, “Anyway, I’ve gotta go. Um… See you when I get back.”   
Before Frank had time to realise, Gerard was already at the front door, hand on the handle. He paused there, frowning slightly then, clearly thinking something over.   
Frank had wandered back into the living room, and was watching Gerard, wondering why he’d stopped.  
Then Gerard looked at him, looking worried. “Just… Promise me you’ll still be here when I get back?”   
Frank’s eyes widened, surprised that Gerard had managed to tap into something that had, honestly, crossed Frank’s mind.   
Any thought of it left him now though.  
“Promise.” He said.   
Gerard smiled again, then disappeared out the door.

Gerard got to the store by quarter to nine, the store opened at nine (or half nine, or ten… Pretty much depended on who was there and how late they were running that day), and considering he’d been off for so long, he was pretty proud of himself for managing to get back into the morning routine so easily.  
As he let himself in, then locked the door behind him Gerard thought about the morning again.  
He guessed it hadn’t been so easy after all.   
He’d known it would be hard, leaving Frank, but…   
Fuck, he couldn’t get the image of the look of panic Frank had when he realised he was going to be left alone.   
Gerard pushed it from his mind, knowing he had to if he had any hope of getting through the day. 

Ray was found in his usual place, sat behind the counter. He lived upstairs, so it wasn’t like it was a shock he was there earlier than Gerard.   
He looked up at Gerard.  
“Finally.” He said. “You realise the place has been falling apart without you?” Gerard looked around the shelves and racks of comic books around him. It all looked neat, tidy, seemed like everything was in place.  
Still, it was nice to be wanted.   
“Well, looks like you did okay…” Gerard started.   
“You’re never allowed a day off again.” At that Gerard rolled his eyes, and headed behind the counter.   
“Sure, Ray, sure.” He said.

The day was pretty steady, and very quickly Gerard found himself falling back into this routine too.  
Both him and Ray behind the counter, with Ray sat in his usual spot, leant against the wall, guitar on his lap, which he was playing, idly.   
Yep. Nothing much changes, Gerard thought, with a smile.  
“So.” Ray eventually said, “What was this big important thing that meant you couldn‘t possibly make it to work for a month?”   
Gerard was honestly surprised it’d taken so long for Ray to ask, but now it came to it, Gerard just shook his head. “It’s a long story Ray.”   
“I’ve got time.” Ray insisted.   
Gerard sighed, he really hadn’t wanted to get into this, but, he clearly didn’t have a choice. “Okay, well. There’s this guy-”  
Abruptly, Ray stopped playing. Gerard winced, realising that hadn’t been the best way to start.   
He kept his back to Ray, but could feel him staring. “Gee.” Ray said. “Do not tell me you were gone for a month so you spend the whole time in bed fucking some guys brains out.”   
Gerard’s eyes widened, Ray wasn’t often that blunt, and he didn’t often swear, so both of these combined shocked and embarrassed Gerard in equal measure.   
With a quick glance around the store, suddenly very aware that there were in fact a few customers, Gerard spun round, glaring at Ray. “Keep your voice down.” He hissed. “My relationship status is not for the whole damn city to know. And no, that was not why I was gone.”  
He turned his back again then, and, for a short while, there was silence.   
“So.” Ray finally broke the silence. “Where were you?”   
Again, Gerard sighed, then turned. “There was this guy.” He began, again. “He was passed out on the street and I… I kinda took him in. He was a junkie, but, uh… I’ve been helping him.”   
Ray nodded, it was clear he understood a little better now. Then he asked, “Is he still at your place?” Gerard nodded. “Yeah… Today’s the first day I’ve left him.”   
“You know you’re gonna get back home and he’ll be gone and so will a bunch of your stuff, right?” Gerard fidgeted, uncomfortably at the suggestion. He had to admit, the thought had crossed his mind. “Maybe… I dunno, Ray. You haven’t met him. He’s… He’s a nice guy. He just got caught up with the wrong people, I guess.”   
Ray shrugged, “Okay, Gee, sure. Whatever you say. Hey, if it turns out you get home and he’s robbed you blind, you can stay with me a while until you get back on your feet.”  
Gerard smiled, “Thanks Ray.” 

###

Back at the apartment, Frank found himself unable to stop staring at the door.   
He could go. He could leave, so easily. He could just go and Gerard wouldn’t know where he’d gone, and that would be it. He was so certain Jimmy was looking for him, wanting him back. He’d be able to find his way back to The Phoenix easily, or, even if he couldn’t, he was sure someone from Jimmy’s gang would see him, probably on the look out for him and then…  
Oh God… Jimmy was going to be so mad at him…  
And.  
Wait.  
Why exactly did he want to leave Gerard anyway?  
He liked it here, he liked Gerard, he felt safe here. He didn’t want to go back, he was glad and grateful for all the things Gerard had done for him.   
He suddenly had a horrible image.   
Gerard getting home. Finding that Frank was gone. He’d be upset. Hurt… Betrayed.   
And… Frank had promised, hadn’t he? Promised he’d still be here.   
He was going to stay, wondering why the thought of leaving had ever even occurred to him. 

###

“Oh my God! Gerard!”   
He was crouched down, busily tidying one of the bottom shelves, which, along with the rest of the stand had just been raided in what was about as close to a rush as they ever got in the shop.   
He looked up when he heard his name being called out.   
“Oh, hey, Nikki.” Gerard said, as he got to his feet. He smiled at his fellow employee. Then he frowned. “I, uh, didn’t know you were working today too?”  
“I’m not.” Nikki said, shaking her head. “I just stopped by to make sure Ray was getting on okay. Ray! You didn’t tell me Gerard was back!” She called over her shoulder in the general direction of the counter. “Didn’t know until yesterday, Nikki.” Ray called back.   
Nikki wasn’t listening though, her focus entirely on Gerard again, she was smiling, shyly. “I… It’s good to see you again, Gerard. I- I mean, we, I mean, the shop… Missed you. Missed having you here and-”  
“Thanks, Nikki. It’s actually kinda good to be back.”   
Gerard thought of sleepless nights and items broken and torn. Of hurled abuse and clenched fists.  
Of peaceful sleep and uneasy smiles. Of apologises, promises and pleading eyes.   
Fuck. He wanted to be back with Frank.  
He looked up at the clock on the wall.   
Three hours left.   
He could do it.   
“So. Where were you?” Nikki snapped him back to now. Before he could answer, however, she’d started talking again. “Did you go away? Wait. No. It was short notice, I know that. Man, Ray was fucking pissed that day, but I think he was just worried. Oh my God! It was an emergency, right? Is Mikey okay?”  
Gerard laughed. When Nikki got on a roll, she really went for it. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. Yes, Mikey is fine, thanks for asking. And… No. I didn’t go away… It’s kinda a long story.”   
He didn’t want to explain it, again. He especially didn’t want to explain it to Nikki. Not because he didn’t like Nikki, just… She could be a little over enthusiastic, and what if she wanted to meet Frank? That would be a whole new headache in itself.   
“Oh. That’s okay.” Nikki said, and for a second Gerard actually thought she’d dropped the subject. “Maybe you could tell me over, I dunno, like, coffee sometime-”  
“Nikki.” Gerard sighed. _Here we go again._ Gerard thought.   
“Not like a date or anything!” Nikki insisted, her cheeks flashing crimson, betraying her completely. “I mean-”  
“Gerard!” Ray called, from the counter again. “Phone! It’s Mikey.”   
Silently Gerard sent a little prayer of thanks to his younger brother for somehow being able to time his phone call almost perfectly.   
“Speak to you later, Nikki, I gotta take this.”   
He knew he was being kinda an ass, but after what was now two years of Nikki not taking the hint, Gerard wasn’t sure what else he could do.  
You know, except for literally screaming at her, “I. Am. Gay!”   
But that was a little too harsh, and he knew it. He’d tried to drop as many hints as possible. Fuck, even Ray had tried to tell Nikki that Gerard wasn’t interested, not just in her, but in any girls.  
Well, technically that wasn’t true. But explaining he was bisexual with a preference towards other guys was just… More complicated.   
And there was always a chance Nikki would take that as false hope.   
_I’ll just have to come in here one day with a boyfriend, see if she gets it then._ He thought. _Maybe she should meet Frank after all!_   
That thought shocked Gerard slightly.   
Frank… Wasn’t his boyfriend. And despite the conclusion Ray had jumped to, Gerard hadn’t even thought about Frank… Like that.   
Or… Had he?   
You don’t usually stop and think about someone’s smile for that long unless you have some sort of feelings for them, do you?  
Oh shit…  
Finally, Gerard took the phone from Ray, spoke to Mikey, trying not to think about Frank.

###

When he heard the key in the lock, Frank jumped up from the couch.  
He didn’t know why, perhaps because he’d been nervously waiting for Gerard all day?   
Because now this meant he’d made it a whole day without Gerard there?   
It was a lot of things, that Frank was sure of. Perhaps a little part of him had expected Gerard not to come back. Though that was crazy, this was Gerard’s home after all.  
But still, crazy or not, he’d been worried.   
He felt an odd bubbling of excitement when he saw Gerard walking in.  
 _I forgot how good the eyeliner looks on him._  
Wait. What the fuck was that about? What did the way Gerard looked have anything to do with… Anything?   
Gerard caught sight of Frank immediately, and smiled. “You’re still here.” He said.   
Frank nodded.   
“Good.”   
Was he imagining the look of relief on Gerard’s face?   
He didn’t think so. 

The evening passed easy enough. They ate, then sat and watched TV. Mindless shit, as always, but still. Frank couldn’t help thinking… He was kinda happy.   
The only thing troubling him was the fact he couldn’t stop himself glancing at Gerard every couple of minutes.   
He just hoped Gerard hadn’t noticed.   
Gerard was only half watching the film on TV, finding himself very aware of the fact Frank was sitting closer than he usually did.   
When had Frank started doing that?   
_It’s a good thing._ Gerard told himself. _It means he’s becoming more comfortable._   
The only downside was, it was making Gerard uncomfortable.  
But that wasn’t strictly true either.   
He liked having Frank close.  
 _Having him a little closer wouldn’t exactly be a bad thing either._  
Oh holy shit…   
When the scene in the film suddenly turned from a fast paced gun fight/car chase into an equally fast paced, and almost as noisy sex scene, Gerard very quickly flicked over the channel.   
_Oh yeah. Great. That wasn’t fucking obvious at all!_   
He glanced, a little nervously, at Frank.   
He got a serious shock when he did.   
Frank’s head was down, eyes wide, he looked very, very pale, worse than he had in days.   
“Frank, are… Are you okay?” Suddenly Frank looked up, staring at Gerard.  
Then he blinked, rapidly, forced a smile. “Yeah. I just…” He paused. “I’m not a fan of… Guns.”   
The lie stung Frank as it left his mouth. But he couldn’t tell Gerard the truth could he?  
 _“The sex scene freaked me out because I’ve been fucked and abused and used so much the very idea of sex now scares the hell out of me.”_  
No. He couldn’t tell Gerard that.  
He especially couldn’t tell Gerard that, when it’d first started, before the sex scene had become a sex scene, and it was just the two main characters kissing…  
He’d kinda imagined that was the two of them.  
He hadn’t meant to but…  
“Oh! Right! Of course…” Gerard said, looking like he felt stupid for not realising Frank might have an aversion to guns. He was probably imagining Frank having guns pointed at him all the fucking time.   
Truth was, yes, he had come across guns in his time with Saint Jimmy. But they’d never really scared him. He knew if someone shot him, whether fatally or not, the punishment that person would get from Saint Jimmy would be a hell of a lot worse.   
Gerard found himself fidgeting, nervously.   
Well, he knew one way to deal with nerves.   
He got up, disappeared into his room, unaware that Frank had watched him go.   
When Gerard came back, he had three things.  
A pack of cigarettes, lighter and a simple black ashtray.  
The ashtray he set on the arm of the couch, then, as he sat back down, he took one of the cigarettes out, putting it between his lips, then flicked the lighter, getting it to spark first time.   
He closed his eyes as he inhaled. Fuck, he’d gone a while since his last one this time, it felt good, but harsh at the same time.   
When he, oh so very slowly, exhaled, he opened his eyes again.   
And caught Frank staring at him.   
“I… I didn’t know you smoked.” Frank stuttered.   
Gerard turned to look at him. A look of guilt on his face. “Yeah, I, uh. I tried not to smoke while you were… Um. Recovering. I figured you didn’t need the added chemicals flying around.”   
There was a slightly awkward silence. Fuck, the night seemed like it’d been full of them.   
What the fuck is going on?  
“Anyway, yeah. I smoke.” Gerard shrugged. “Is… That a problem?” He asked, suddenly realising perhaps Frank had an aversion to smoking.   
“No! No.” Frank insisted, eyes going slightly wide. Gerard grinned a little, then asked, “Do you smoke?”   
Frank didn’t answer right away, which he knew must’ve seemed strange. But eventually he nodded.   
“Want one?” Gerard offered the pack, and Frank smiled. It’d been a while, but he’d kinda enjoyed it.   
As Frank took one out, Gerard moved the ashtray so it was sat on the couch, between them. Then he handed Frank the lighter. Frank thanked him, quietly. Thinking how this was much nicer than the first time Jimmy had offered him a smoke.   
Now why had he gone and thought a thing like that?  
All at once he remembered the first time him and Jimmy had smoked together, how Jimmy had simply given him the one from his own mouth, instead of giving Frank his own. How Jimmy had pressed in close.   
Even then Frank had known what Jimmy was really after. It wasn’t for Frank to be sucking on a cigarette, it was for him to be sucking Jimmy’s dick.   
He remembered, once, Jimmy smoking while Frank did just that.   
Fuck. Frank’s hands were shaking too much.   
“Hey, hey.” A soft, soothing voice broke through the harsh memories, and Frank looked up, saw Gerard looking at him, concerned. “I hope… Frank, you’re not just telling me you smoke, right? Don’t make yourself smoke because I am.”   
Frank shook his head. Shit. Now Gerard thought he felt peer pressured.   
Well, he had been, but not by Gerard. The damage was long done. “I’m just…” He forced a light laugh. “I guess it’s been a while.”   
Then Gerard smiled, took the lighter from him. Gestured for him to move a little closer, which Frank did.   
The lighter sprang to life easily once again, and Gerard lit the cigarette for him.   
Then Frank sat back, smiled.   
He’d actually forgotten, he did like it, did enjoy smoking. Even if most of the memories that went along with it weren’t so great… He was making new memories now. And they were much, much better.   
He looked over at Gerard and smiled.  
 _Oh fuck._ He thought. _I’m fucking falling in love with him, aren’t I?_

They managed to pass most of the rest of the evening without further awkward silences.   
As it got late, Gerard asked if it was okay with Frank if they could swap beds from tonight.  
“I’m so fucking tired from work, could use my own bed again. If you don’t mind? Out here is comfy too, I promise, it’s just-”  
But then he saw Frank nodding, smiling slightly, perhaps a little amused by Gerard’s apologies.   
Gerard laughed, embarrassed, knowing he’d been rambling.   
“I’ll help you set the bed up.” He said.

Of course, Gerard ended up doing it all for Frank, as Frank had no idea what he was doing, even when Gerard told him what to do.   
This lead to laughter from Gerard, and uncomfortable blushing from Frank, who felt useless.   
“You’ll get the hang of it.” Gerard promised, grinning at Frank in that way that begged a smile in response. 

Even though he was in his own bed, Gerard didn’t sleep well. At first he told himself he was just overtired and it’d take a while to settle.  
But he knew that wasn’t it, he didn’t have that heavy feeling that typically came with that. He knew it was really that his thoughts were rushing around his head too fast.  
And all those thoughts centred around the boy asleep just the other side of the door. A little of it was still worry for him but mostly…  
He felt guilty. He hadn’t meant to develop feelings for Frank, that had never been the idea.  
But, planned or not, there it was.  
Of course, it had started off as simple affection, care. He’d expected that, looking after someone the way he’d been looking after Frank meant that was basically a necessity.  
But he’d noticed his feelings change towards Frank. It wasn’t simple anymore.  
He told himself it was just a crush, he should ignore it. If he did anything that let Frank know what was going on he ran the risk of scaring him. Or, worse, Frank could think that was the only reason Gerard had taken him in, to hook up, when that wasn’t the case at all. He hated the thought of him thinking Gerard was looking to take advantage.   
It was best to ignore it, to pretend he wasn’t feeling this way.  
But it was getting harder to ignore.   
That much had been made ever clearer tonight.   
Without thinking, Gerard got out of bed, went to his door and opened it to look out into the living room.  
He saw the couch, well, bed as it currently was. Saw Frank asleep.   
It was good to see him sleeping peacefully, finally.   
Gerard forced himself to turn back around, go back to his own bed, trying hard to resist the urge to go over to Frank.  
 _Well. You’ve fucked this up nicely, haven’t you?_ He scolded himself.  
Sleep eventually came for him, and when it did, he dreamt of Frank.  
In the morning he wouldn’t even admit to himself what those dreams contained. 

###

Gerard went to work again the next day, Frank wasn’t awake when he left, so Gerard left him a note, saying much the same as he’d said in person the morning before.  
He’d gone to work.  
Food was in the kitchen.   
He’d be home about six.  
He hoped Frank would still be here when he got back.   
Frank found the note stuck to the front of the TV, so it was one of the first things he saw when he woke up.  
He felt a little sad that he’d missed Gerard. He was slightly annoyed that Gerard hadn’t woken him up.   
Frank did realise Gerard hadn’t done it maliciously. He just wished he’d had a chance to say goodbye before Gerard left for the day.   
Frank threw himself back down against the pillows, trying to get his head to shut the hell up.

####

“So. Still had a home to go back to last night?” Ray asked, grinning slightly. Gerard just nodded, obviously distracted.   
“And the guy was still there?”   
Again, Gerard nodded.   
“He still there now?”  
Another nod.   
“Gerard. Am I going to get an actual verbal response this morning or are you going to continue acting like you had your tongue cut out?”   
At that Gerard looked up sharply, frowning, obviously trying to figure out what Ray had just said.   
Ray sighed, exasperated. “You’ve barely said a word to me all morning, now what the fuck is going on?”   
Gerard shook his head.   
“Words! Gerard!”   
At that Gerard rolled his eyes, sighing as he finally gave some kind of explanation. “I’m just… I’m just tired Ray, I didn’t get much sleep last night.”   
Well, at least it was true.   
Ray nodded. “Okay, how come?” Gerard closed his eyes, despairingly, fuck, he didn’t want to get into this.   
“Gerard…” Ray wasn’t letting this go though. “This is about that guy, right?” Gerard dropped his head to the counter, the hard wood against his forehead doing nothing to calm or soothe him. “Did he do something? Gerard, he’s not… He’s not dangerous, is he?”   
Gerard felt like laughing.  
Frank? Dangerous?   
Then his mind flashed back to the times Frank had tried (and, occasionally succeeded) to hurt him.   
He felt instantly bad for thinking of that. That had all happened while Frank hadn’t been… Right. When his body and mind were wracked with pain unimaginable to those who’d never been through it themselves.   
The real Frank? The one he’d glimpsed a few times during that nightmarish time, the one he saw all the time now?   
No, he wouldn’t hurt Gerard. He didn’t know a whole lot about Frank, but that much he knew.   
Still from the counter, Gerard shook his head, then, before Ray could yell at him again for not answering verbally Gerard followed up with, “No, Ray, he hasn’t done anything to me.”   
Then there was a long silence. Gerard could tell Ray wasn’t done, he was just thinking his next words over very, very carefully.  
Which worried Gerard.   
Finally, carefully, Ray asked. “You said… You said you were helping him come off drugs, right?”   
Gerard lifted himself off the counter then, and looked at Ray, and, not caring if he got rebuked or not, he nodded, not liking where this was going. “You… You did get him off the drugs, right? You-”  
“Think very fucking carefully about who you are talking to before you ask that next question, Ray.” Gerard cut in, his voice hard, allowing no room for mistake. And Ray nodded, looking relieved. “I’m sorry Gee, I didn’t mean… You know I only ask because I care.”   
Gerard smiled, despite the uneasy feeling he still had. “I know. Can we just leave it now? Look. I’m tired. I’m tired because of something to do with Frank, can we just leave it at that?”   
“His name is Frank?”   
At that Gerard smiled brighter now, suddenly realising he’d never said before. “Yeah, Ray, his name’s Frank.”  
Ray grinned at him, knowingly.  
“What?” Gerard asked, the smile dropping slightly.   
“Knew it.” Ray said.   
“Huh?”   
“You like him.” Ray replied, making Gerard’s eyes go wide. He opened his mouth to say… Something.   
A denial?   
Or confirmation?  
Gerard never found out, as Ray got his words out first. “I may miss some stuff Gee. But there is no mistaking that smile. You like him and it’s driving you crazy.”   
“I-” Gerard stuttered.   
“You should bring him here one day, I’d like to meet him.”   
“But-” When he realised he didn’t have a good argument for that, Gerard gave up.   
Then he sighed. “I dunno. We’re not… We’re not together. He doesn’t know I like him and… I don’t know if I’ll tell him.”   
Ray rolled his eyes. “Stop being so afraid, Gee, it’s about time you had someone who makes you smile like that.”   
That was apparently the end of the conversation, as then Ray settled back in his chair, picked up his guitar and started playing something soft and happy.   
Gerard stood, marvelling at the conversation they’d just had, how much information Ray had managed to get out of him in such a short space of time.  
He thought about the last thing Ray had said.  
He thought of Frank.  
And he realised how badly he wanted that.  
Fuck. It was going to be hard to resist saying something now. 

###

The awkwardness was there again that night. Though they both ignored it, thinking it was their own doing, not realising the other was acting strange too.   
Things kinda… Escalated dramatically later that night. 

Gerard had gone to get dinner, leaving Frank in the living room.  
Though the TV was on, Frank wasn’t watching it, he was too busy thinking, like he had been all day.   
Frank had got in the habit of eating very fast, something else left over from his time with Saint Jimmy.  
Jimmy’s moods changed so rapidly, and he could change his plans at any second. Either you ate when food was in front of you, or you ran the risk of Jimmy getting distracted, whisking you off somewhere before you got the chance.   
Since staying with Gerard, truthfully, he hadn’t eaten much. Not that Gerard didn’t offer, didn’t provide when asked, just that food had been the last thing on the list of things Frank had wanted.   
Now though, with his body almost back to normal, demanding food and drink more than it did drugs and alcohol, Frank had started eating more regularly. And he found the old habits from Saint Jimmy to still be present, though he attempted to slow down.   
Gerard suspected the fast rate had something to do with Frank’s past, though he assumed it had more to do with Frank not liking the feeling of being watched.   
Trying to be as subtle as possible about it, Gerard left the room.  
Frank knew what he’d done, of course. And he was grateful that Gerard was trying to understand.   
He dreaded when Gerard would eventually ask why.   
But, Frank reasoned, he knew he would owe Gerard that much at least. For everything he’d done, Frank owed so much.   
He’d been thinking about that a lot. 

By the time Gerard came back into the room, Frank was nearly done eating already, as he saw Gerard though, he slowed down once again, a little self-conscious.   
Gerard smiled as he noticed this, and sat down on the opposite end of the couch. Frank set the now empty plate on the floor by his feet.  
He mumbled something that Gerard didn’t quite hear. “What? Sorry, I didn’t-”  
“I can’t pay you back.” Frank repeated, loud enough to be heard this time. Gerard frowned, surprised by the assumption he expected to be repaid. Then he smiled again, “Don’t worry about it.” He said, gently.   
“I… I can, um… I…” Frank said, nervously, not looking at Gerard, who waited, patiently for Frank to find his words. “I can repay you… Some other way though.” Frank finally said. And, progress, he turned his head slightly in Gerard’s direction, though he didn’t look up. Gerard laughed, lightly. “I honestly don’t expect you to repay me, okay?” But Frank shook his head. “I…” He didn’t finish his sentence, instead he shuffled slightly closer to Gerard, then slid off the couch, onto the floor. Gerard watched him, trying to figure out what he was doing. Frank was in front of him, but it wasn’t until he pushed Gerard’s legs apart, and moved in between them, that Gerard started to get the idea.  
 _Where the fuck has that shy boy who can barely look me in the fucking eye gone?!_  
“Um. Frank. Really. No.” Gerard said, firmly. Frank wasn’t listening though, he grabbed Gerard’s thighs, pulled him closer, then he was reaching out, fumbling with Gerard’s belt, trying to undo it. Gerard tried pulling his hands away, but Frank was determined, kept going back, eventually undoing the belt, unbuttoning, unzipping his jeans.   
Gerard felt Frank’s fingers brush over his dick, suddenly felt a rush of heat. Well, it had been a while hadn’t it? And it wasn’t like he wasn’t attracted to Frank…   
“Frank. No. I don’t-”   
“I’m good, I promise, okay? Everyone always says so.” Gerard felt his heart sink, he felt sick. What the hell had happened to him? What sort of world had Frank been living in that sexual favours were currency? ‘everyone always says so’. How many had there been?   
As Frank reached for him again, Gerard grabbed both his hands, holding them still. Startled, Frank looked up, met Gerard’s eyes, and Gerard tried not to pay attention to what he saw in those eyes. “Frank. Listen to me. I do not want repaying, in any way. But especially not this way.”   
Frank looked away again. “Oh.”   
Gerard let go of his wrists, and Frank hurriedly got up, sitting back on the sofa, noticeably as far away from Gerard as possible.   
The silence was uncomfortable once again, and Gerard couldn’t figure out a discrete way of fixing his jeans. In the end he just did it, feeling indescribably dirty and wrong, even though he’d done nothing.   
Frank watched him out of the corner of his eye, making sure Gerard didn’t see him looking.   
He was confused by Gerard’s refusal. Was he really that disgusting?   
Maybe the ‘everyone says so’ comment had done it. Gerard thought he was a whore, he didn’t want to be touched by someone so unclean.  
Could he really have argued if Gerard had actually come out and said that?   
Not really. A string of images, him and various naked and half naked men. Sucking them off, letting them suck him off, fucking him.   
How many of them had called him ‘whore’? He couldn’t remember. Too many. 

Frank hurried to stand up, not certain where he was going to, just needing to get away. He was so fucking embarrassed, so ashamed.   
Why the hell had he done that? What the fuck was wrong with him? He didn’t want Gerard knowing anything about his past and now he…  
Fuck.   
Silently he cursed Saint Jimmy, once again, for screwing him up so badly. If it wasn’t for him, Frank wouldn’t have even thought that was something he should do.   
He guessed there was still a part of him that was messed up by the drugs too. Yes, he was over the worst, but no way would someone of sound mind try to…  
Shit. He’d really just tried to suck him off… And Frank knew, he knew he’d gone back to his ‘Jimmy’ mentality. He’d felt himself become detached, cold, like what he was doing was nothing.   
He hadn’t wanted to show that side of himself to Gerard.  
He had to get away.  
But then he felt a hand grab his arm, stopping him.   
Frank looked around, saw Gerard, then tried to yank his arm free. It didn’t work. Gerard’s grip was too firm. “Frank. I think… What just happened, we need to talk about it. We can’t-”  
“Let me go. I don’t want to talk about it! I’m sorry. It was a stupid mistake. I don’t even know why I did it. Forget it.” Frank told him, still trying to free himself.   
“I can’t forget it Frank. That wasn’t… It’s not something I can just ignore. Was that something to do with what happened before you came here?”  
Frank felt like crying, perhaps he was, he just didn’t realise it yet. “Gerard, please, let me go. I don’t want to talk about this.”   
Gerard shook his head. “I think we should, I think we need to, Frank. Just, sit down with me again, we can go as slow as you like, just-”  
“No!” With one final tug that managed to hurt both his arm and Gerard’s wrist, Frank finally got free. “Now I fucking see, you just want me to sit down with you because you’ve changed your mind, right? You decided you kinda like the idea. Or maybe you did all along, you were just pretending to be shocked, to make me feel bad. Fucking playing with me. Just like Saint Jimmy. Fuck. You’re no fucking different!”   
Frank didn’t believe the words coming out of his mouth, and he hated himself for every one of them. Knowing he was hurting Gerard. But he was so wound up and confused and just desperate to be left alone.   
He ran to the bathroom, not looking to see if Gerard was following, he had the sinking feeling that he wasn’t.   
Gerard heard the door slam, lock from the inside.   
His wrist throbbed, but that pain barely registered.  
Shit. He knew he shouldn’t have pushed Frank so hard but he’d just thought that if Frank talked about it, got it in the open, it would help him.   
He hadn’t expected it to go so wrong.   
And another thing…  
Why did the name Saint Jimmy sound so familiar? 

###

Neither were quite sure how much time passed before Frank came back into the living room.  
When he did, it was obvious he’d been crying, obvious he was trying not to now.   
As soon as he heard the door open, Gerard stood up, turned to look at him.   
Frank looked almost as small and scared as he had the first day he’d been there.   
“I’m sorry.”  
Said by both simultaneously.   
Silence, and uneasy smiles exchanged.   
“I’m sorry I tried to get you to talk about… Things you don’t want to.” Gerard was first to get his full apology out. “And. Please, believe me, the idea of trying to…” He paused, took a deep breath. “Take advantage or ‘play’ with you was never… I just wouldn‘t.”   
Frank shook his head. “I didn’t really think it was. I was just, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry for everything. I’ve screwed up so much tonight.”  
Gerard’s turn to shake his head. “You haven’t screwed up. I’ll admit I’m confused as hell about a few things but…”  
“I can’t tell you, Gerard. I’m sorry, I just… I can’t.” Frank said, desperately, hoping Gerard wasn’t about to ask him again.   
Frank was relieved when Gerard nodded. “I know. I get it.”  
Then, after a long pause, Frank asked, “Can we… Can we just forget all this? I kinda want to just… Sit with you again.”   
Frank winced, fuck… That sounded weird.   
Then he saw Gerard smile, nod. 

They resumed their own pattern of normality then. The next shock coming as they both grew tired.   
Frank shuffled closer to Gerard, leaning on him slightly.   
Gerard looked down at him, saw his eyes were closing. Gerard smiled. “I think I’d better let you get some sleep.”   
Frank shook his head. “Stay a little longer.”   
Gerard wondered if this was his punishment for having feelings for Frank. To have Frank be so complicated.   
Was this actual affection now? Or just a want for comfort?  
Did it really matter?   
“Okay.” Gerard said, very slowly and carefully putting an arm around Frank, ready to stop if Frank asked him to. He didn’t. In fact, Frank smiled a little.   
“I’m here.” Gerard told him.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Frank is struggling to keep his past hidden from Gerard, they are both also trying to hide their slowly developing feelings for each other.   
> And, we also see that Frank's past isn't so willing to let him just disappear.

Frank had thought about Gerard like _that_ again.   
And he hated himself for it.  
He hated thinking about Gerard in less than appropriate ways. It made him feel uncomfortable. But he couldn’t stop it from happening.   
He wasn’t sure exactly when it had started, if it had been once he’d got clean, of if it’d been sometime during the withdrawal stages… Not that he’d had many coherent thoughts at that time.   
He did know that when he’d offered to suck him off as a way of repayment, well, that hadn’t been strictly ‘business’. There was a tiny, tiny part of him that’d kinda… Wanted to do it.  
He’d wanted to pull down Gerard’s jeans, tug down his boxers, wanted to see him, wanted to touch him, get him hard, to take him into his mouth, to taste him, to-  
Fucking hell he’d done it again…  
 _Stop thinking about him like that!_  
There had been a part of Frank that had been so grateful to Gerard for saying no, for telling him he didn’t want Frank doing that.   
Then of course there was the part that had felt fucking awful because he knew what he must’ve looked like at that time, on his knees, between Gerard’s legs, grasping for him. 

He just wanted to stop thinking about Gerard in a sexual way. He was certain Gerard wasn’t interested. He didn’t even know if Gerard was into guys.  
And it wasn’t even like he wanted to do any of these things, not really. None of them where good things in his mind, it was all bad. It all hurt, in some way or other.   
He didn’t want to think about Gerard hurting him, or about him hurting Gerard, he just…  
He liked Gerard.  
Simple as that.

Complicated as that. 

###

Gerard spent most of the next day distracted. Thinking about the events of the previous night, trying to figure them out. Trying to figure out how he felt about it all.   
And, a constant nagging in the back of his head.   
Just who the fuck was Saint Jimmy? 

When it finally came to him, Gerard felt like kicking himself, it was so fucking obvious!  
But, then, the next question was… What did Saint Jimmy have to do with Frank?  
And did he have something to do with last night?  
The more he thought about it, the more he was certain the two things were connected, though he wasn’t sure how.

That night, Gerard brought it up with Frank.  
And that set off another whirlwind of events. 

“How do you know Saint Jimmy?”   
Frank was just coming back into the living room when Gerard asked the far too casual sounding question.  
He froze at the mention of the name.  
“You said last night, about Saint Jimmy. How’d you know him? Did you work at The Phoenix for a while?”   
Frank felt his entire body go cold. Gerard knew about The Phoenix?   
_No. No. Please. No. This can’t be what I think it is._  
Realising Frank hadn’t answered him, Gerard finally looked up.  
When he saw the look on Frank’s face, he knew he’d said entirely the wrong thing.  
“Frank. I-”  
“How do you know about The Phoenix?” Frank interrupted. His voice strong, firm, steadier than he’d expected it to be.   
He felt heavy, like he couldn’t move, but at the same time as if he were about to fall down at any second.   
He didn’t give Gerard a chance to answer.  
“How do you know about Saint Jimmy? What do you know about The Phoenix?” Frank heard himself getting louder, felt himself begin to panic.   
_Gerard knows about The Phoenix, that means he’s been there, he knows about Jimmy, knows Jimmy’s linked to The Phoenix. You only know that if you go there often, you only know that if you’re INVOLVED._  
Gerard stood, slowly, he could see Frank was upset, which, of course, was an understatement.   
Fuck, he looked so pale, like all the blood had drained from him.   
“Frank.” Gerard said, calmly, moving a little closer. “I-”  
“What the _fuck_ do you know about him?”   
Gerard flinched, expecting a full breakdown from Frank at that point, the way he’d screamed certainly reminded him of some of their darker times.   
But he looked, and Frank was still standing there, albeit looking more terrified than before.   
Terrified, Gerard realised, of him.   
“Frank… I… I just know the name, I swear. I only, I met the guy once, twice, maybe. I went to The Phoenix because…” He paused, sighed. “Because my boyfriend at the time… He wanted to go. He’d heard about Saint Jimmy and, well, word was Jimmy was the best place to go for…” Again, he paused, looked up at Frank, glanced away again. “For drugs. So… He went to get some from Jimmy.”  
He looked up again, saw Frank still staring at him.   
“How many times did you go there?” Frank asked.   
Gerard shrugged. “I dunno… A few, I guess. I didn’t… I just went along.”  
That’s when he noticed Frank was shaking.  
He was getting worse, they weren’t free from the breakdowns just yet it seemed.   
“Frank.” Gerard said, gently. “I don’t think… This wasn’t a good idea, I’m sorry I brought him up.”  
“Did you ever go into any back rooms?” Frank asked, ignoring Gerard’s words entirely.   
Gerard frowned. “What? What back- No, I didn’t. Frank. What.. What about those rooms?”   
“Room.” Frank corrected. “Just the one. Only needed one. Gerard. Just. Just. Just promise me you never went back there!”   
And then he finally broke.   
He was on the floor, back against the wall where he’d fallen against it, knees hugged tight to his chest.   
And Gerard was across the room and knelt in front of him, reaching out for him, begging him to calm down.  
Frank smacked his hand away. “Promise me! Fucking swear you never, you never-”  
He was shocked, he hadn’t seen Frank like this for days, he’d thought they’d made progress. But, he realised, this was clearly a trigger point for Frank, he’d probably never be alright with this topic.   
And just what was it about this room?  
Gerard didn’t know, but he knew it was bad. And he knew that, and Saint Jimmy, were the main culprits behind Frank’s pain.  
“Frank. I swear, I promise you, I never, never, ever went into any back rooms at that place, I didn’t even know there was. I promise, okay?”   
Frank just stared at him a while, his eyes the only part of him that was steady. It felt to Gerard like Frank was trying to read him, search him. Then Frank nodded.   
“Good.” Gerard breathed, heavily relieved, he reached out for Frank again, who, this time fell easily into Gerard’s arms, sudden tears streaming from his eyes as he did so.   
“I’m sorry.” Frank said, his voice choked and broken. “I was just so scared. I was scared you were one of them. And and… I didn’t want you to be one of them. I trust you and I was scared you-”  
“Shh.” Gerard hushed him gently. “I’m not. Whoever ‘they’ are, I’m not, okay? I’m just me, just Gerard. Okay?”   
Frank nodded, silently.   
“Shit.” Gerard sighed. “What did they do to you?”  
“I can’t-” Frank choked, and Gerard hugged him closer. “I know, I know, I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to answer.”   
“You’d hate me so much if I told you.” Frank said, quietly. “You’d kick me out. I know it, and I wouldn’t even blame you.”   
“Stop that.” Gerard told him, firmly. “Don’t talk like that, of course I wouldn’t kick you out, now come on, let’s get back on the couch, it’s cold down here.”   
Frank nodded, allowed himself to be helped up.

No further mention of Saint Jimmy, The Phoenix or anything to do with Frank’s past was made that evening.  
It was that night that things became bad again.

Gerard was just about getting to sleep, when he heard him.   
Frank wasn’t screaming, he wasn’t crying. He was talking. But not the usual murmurings of sleep. Gerard could hear every word.   
“Not… Not tonight, Jimmy. Please?”   
Already he felt sick.   
“I- I-. But Jimmy… It. You’ll hurt me. I got hurt last night.”   
He sat up in bed, frozen in place, all he could do was listen, horrified.  
“Too many last night Jimmy… There were too many… Why’d you do that to me? What did I do?”  
Had this… This can’t have been a real conversation… Could it? It had to be just a dream.  
“I can’t tonight, Jimmy, please! I’m sorry for whatever I did to deserve that but if you ask for more tonight I’m scared I’ll get hurt again and I don’t want to Jimmy, it already hurts and I don’t want to bleed anymore and-”  
Gerard thought he might actually be sick. Just a dream or not, Frank was stuck in a personal hell right now.  
And there was no way he was going to leave Frank there.   
He got up, turning on the light as he went. The door from his bedroom creaked loudly, but Gerard didn’t care.   
Frank was still talking, and Gerard did his best not to take anymore of his words in. The few that   
got through were enough to make him want to cry.   
Frank was curled up on the couch, in a tight ball, the blanket clenched in his fists. Gerard knelt down beside him. Gently rocking him, trying to wake him up, whispered his name. Louder. Louder. And louder still. All the while Frank kept talking in his sleep.   
“Frank. For fucks sake, wake up!”   
Frank opened his mouth, ready to say something, but there was no way Gerard was letting him. _“Frank!”_   
Eyes snapped open, panicked, he looked terrified for a second, and Gerard was sorry to have scared him, but he’d had to. Finally Frank focused, his eyes landing on Gerard, a second as Frank fully took him in. Then, suddenly, and awkwardly, Frank sat up, throwing his arms around Gerard and holding on tight.   
Relieved that Frank was awake, Gerard returned Frank’s gesture, putting his arms around him, and he pulled him closer. “You’re okay, I promise. I’m here.”   
“I- I was dreaming. But it wasn’t just dreams it was… I-”  
“I know.” Gerard interrupted. Frank went silent then.  
“Come on.” Gerard said, helping Frank to his feet. Frank didn’t question, just let Gerard lead him.   
Until they got into Gerard’s room.   
Frank looked at the bed, the rumpled sheets and suddenly, he panicked. He tried to get out of Gerard’s loose hold, which suddenly became tighter, making Frank panic more.   
“Hold on, hold on Frank. Wait. Calm down.”   
Frank couldn’t hear him, further away than he had been when he was asleep. Memories as vivid and more vivid than those he’d dreamt.  
 _Held down, a painful grip on his shoulder, hot breath on the back of his neck, trying not to scream each time he was penetrated, they hadn’t used enough lube and every stroke hurt and Frank just wished it was over._  
“Frank!” He blinked, snapped suddenly out of it. Gerard had turned him round, to face him now, Gerard’s hands were on his face, “Look at me.” Gerard urged, and, without thinking, Frank nodded. “I am not going to hurt you, okay? I’m not even going to touch you, except maybe… If you want, I can hold you, comfort you. But I am not going to force anything on you. Alright? I want to keep you safe. I will not hurt you, you got that?” This time Frank knew exactly why he was nodding. His eyes were shining slightly. He’d never felt safer.   
Gerard got into bed again first, then waited for Frank. “I’ll stay all the way over here if you want me to. I’m just not leaving you on your own.” Gerard told him. Then, slowly, Frank followed him. A brief hesitation, then Frank moved as close to Gerard as possible, who in turn took Frank back into his arms. 

###

It was harder for Gerard to make himself get up and out for work the next morning. When he woke up, he found Frank still pressed close, his face almost completely buried against Gerard’s chest, one hand loosely clinging to Gerard’s shirt.   
Gerard seriously thought about calling Ray, asking him for another day off. He could explain why now, he could say Frank had had a rough night, he needed Gerard, he-  
Gerard knew he couldn’t do that though.  
He gently moved himself away, carefully prising Frank’s fingers from his shirt.   
Still mostly asleep, though awake enough to know Gerard had moved, Frank made a small, unhappy noise. “Shh.” Gerard soothed. “I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta go to work.” Then he kissed Frank’s cheek, lightly. “I’ll be back to say goodbye.” He promised. 

###

Gerard did come back to say goodbye, and by that time Frank was a little more awake, though it was a while after Gerard had gone that he fully woke.   
At first he was confused as to how he’d ended up in Gerard’s room again, hadn’t he been sleeping in the other bed?  
Then, little snatches of last night came back to him.  
He remembered falling asleep, and then dreaming, dreaming about Saint Jimmy. About the Red Room about-  
He remembered being woken up by Gerard. Then he remembered falling asleep again, in here, with Gerard.  
Some other stuff got messed up in his head, some things he knew were getting muddled, but those things he remembered, clearly.  
And he remembered Gerard promising not to hurt him, not to touch him.  
Fuck.  
Gerard knew.  
Or, at the very least, he suspected. He’d guessed Frank’s past, what he’d done.  
So then why had he let Frank into his bed? Why had he let Frank close? Why had he been so nice?  
For the briefest of seconds, that cynical voice cropped up in his head again,   
_Because he wants it too, now he knows you’re easy._  
But that didn’t figure, did it? Gerard hadn’t tried anything, he’d even promised not to, assured Frank he was safe.  
And… He knew he was.   
Frank thought about the way Gerard had so carefully got out of bed that morning, trying not to disturb him.   
He thought of the little kiss on the cheek, how sweet and… Innocent it’d seemed.  
Frank couldn’t remember the last time he’d thought of any kind of kiss as ‘innocent’.  
Jimmy flooded his head again then.   
_Lips on his and teeth catching, biting. Kisses on his skin frantic and hot, more teeth, and licking tongue trailing after._  
Gerard was so different…  
And Frank liked that, he really, really liked that.   
He wished he could tell Gerard that. 

###

“So…” Ray began. “You talk to him yet?”   
Gerard didn’t answer at first, unsure what to say.   
Eventually, he shrugged. “No, not yet it… It didn’t come up.”   
“Sure, because you didn’t mention it.” Ray said. Gerard felt himself becoming slightly annoyed, having to remind himself that his friend only wanted to help.   
“Ray! It-” He made himself stop, before he really did lash out, unnecessarily. Fuck, when did he get so tense?  
 _Oh probably around the time you realised you’re in love with the guy you brought in off the street._  
Gerard sighed, realising the frustration he had was, in reality, aimed at himself. “It didn’t come up because, well, things were kinda crazy last night.”   
Now Ray looked concerned, staring at Gerard in that way that made him feel a little intimidated, but mostly just grateful. He knew that if he really was in any danger, Ray would step in to help him. “Everything alright? Didn’t get nasty did he?”   
Gerard shook his head. “No, nothing like that. It’s just… It’s complicated. All I know is, the last thing Frank need last night was hearing that I like him in that way.”   
“Who’s Frank?”   
Oh shit.  
Gerard had forgotten Nikki was working today too.   
“Umm-” Gerard stared at her, wide eyed, trying to figure out how to explain it to Nikki.   
“He’s the guy staying with Gerard at the moment.” Ray got in first, making Gerard wonder why he couldn’t have just said that. Why had the tried to make it more complicated than it actually was?   
“Oh!” Nikki exclaimed, smiling. “So you got a room mate? That’s great! Are we gonna meet him?”   
“That’s actually what I’ve been asking him.” Ray said, grinning at Gerard.   
Gerard scowled at him. “Yes. And I’ve said ‘I don’t know yet’.”  
“So… Are you guys not getting on? That’s a shame, but… I thought I just heard you say you liked him and-”  
“Oh Jesus Christ, Nikki…” Gerard sighed, hand going to his head.   
“What? I-”   
“Nikki.” Ray interrupted, “Let’s put it this way, Gerard’s waiting to see… How things go. It’s complicated, okay?” Nikki frowned, looked between Ray and Gerard. She looked concerned, confused. But then she nodded. “Okay. I- I’m sorry Gerard if I-”  
Gerard shook his head. “Don’t worry about it.” But he didn’t look at her.   
When she left, Ray turned his attention back to Gerard. “And you. Go home.” Gerard looked up then, surprised, and worried. “What? Ray I’m sorry if I-”  
“You’ve not had your head on straight all day. Now, go home. Go to Frank, I know that’s where your mind’s really been the whole time. _Talk_ to him Gerard. Me and Nikki can handle it here for the last few hours.”   
Gerard thought about protesting. But eventually he nodded, thanked Ray. Then grabbed his stuff and went. Stopping to make sure he said goodbye to Nikki.  
He didn’t go straight home though. He had an idea. 

###

The young boy hurried up the road, glancing behind him as he did.   
No one following, good.   
It wasn’t like he was going to anywhere less dangerous than the place he’d just got away from. But at least he was heading towards the devil he knew.   
He soon found himself banging rapidly, anxiously on the door to The Phoenix. Bouncing on the balls of his feet as he waited to be let in.   
The door opened, and the boy scurried inside.   
“Well?!” The voice called out, impatiently, from somewhere near the back of the bar.   
The boy glanced around, trying to see where Saint Jimmy was, trying to figure out how close he was.   
“Um…”   
“You didn’t fucking find him, did you?” Jimmy snapped, suddenly appearing from one of the booths.   
“I- I- Tried Jimmy, I swear. But, the last place, they-”  
“I don’t fucking care!” Jimmy screamed at him.  
The boy was suddenly very grateful Jimmy was so far away, but the scream still made him flinch.   
He heard a crash, looked to see Jimmy had kicked over a bar stool, which had crashed into a table.   
“None of you thick little fuckers seem to get it!” Jimmy continued. “Frank, _my_ Frank, has been missing for nearly two fucking months! Now, I don’t give a fuck who’s got him, I don’t give a fuck how far you have to go to find him, and I certainly don’t give a single fuck about what happens while you’re, or any of the others are trying to find him. You just fucking _find him_!”   
Another crash, and the sound of glass breaking this time.   
When Jimmy continued, his voice was quieter, but no less terrifying.   
“And you bring him back to me. I’ll deal with whoever’s got him myself. Now, have you fucking got that?”   
The boy nodded, tears in his eyes and shaking as he turned to head out the door again.  
“Be back by nine!” Jimmy called. “You’ve got work tonight Will, it’s your turn to pick up Frank’s clients.”   
Will shivered, he’d had to do that twice already.  
A few of Frank’s ‘regulars’ weren’t so happy with having to put up with replacements. 

The door shut again, and Jimmy continued taking his stress and anger out on the furniture in the bar.   
When a chair made it’s way behind the bar area, Johnny finally shouted,  
“Jimmy! For fucks sake, enough of that! You won’t have a fucking bar to work from at this rate.”  
Jimmy glared at Johnny, but came back over and sat down again, regardless.   
“Seriously Jimmy… You need to calm down… It’s been-”  
“Nearly two fucking months, yes, thank you Johnny. I’m very fucking aware how long Frank’s been missing. Don’t you think that might be why I’m just a little bit stressed?”   
Johnny smiled a little, coyly, then lent over, close to Jimmy, a hand on Jimmy’s thigh. “I can help you with that stress.” Johnny offered.   
He yelped as he found himself shoved away, ended up sprawled the other end of the bench.   
“Fuck off Johnny. I want Frank right now, not you.”   
Johnny glared at him as he pushed himself upright. “And why the fuck are you so bothered anyway?” Johnny demanded. “Why the fuck do you care? He’s just another little errand boy. So what, one down, you’ve got plenty more. And need I fucking remind you Jimmy, you’re putting the whole fucking lot of them at risk trying to find Frank. You do know the places you’ve been sending them, right? It’s a fucking miracle they’re all still here!”  
At that, Jimmy snapped his attention back to Johnny. “Yes. All of them except one, which is the whole fucking point, Johnny!”   
“Why is he so fucking important?!” Johnny shouted back. “He’s just another one of your little whores anyway!”  
Jimmy slapped him, hard, making Johnny fall back, before Jimmy grabbed him by the hair, pulled him in close. “Watch your fucking mouth, Johnny. Or it’ll be you I send to satisfy Frank’s clients.”   
Johnny shook his head, Jimmy wouldn’t, he knew he wouldn’t.  
“No more questions on why Frank’s important. He just is. He’s mine, and I fucking want him back.”   
Jimmy let go of Johnny then, roughly. And he stood up from the bench again.   
Johnny heard a couple more glasses smash, then it went quiet.  
It’d been a long two months.

###

When Gerard returned home he found Frank in his now usual place in the living room.  
“Hey Frank, I… I got something for you.”   
Frank looked up at him, surprised, both by the fact Gerard was home early, and that he apparently had something for him.   
“It’s, uh, it’s not much but…” Gerard put his bag down, then bent to rummage inside, eventually straightening up, coming over to sit with Frank.   
He held out his hand, revealing a clear plastic container, within which was a smallish silver ring, easily recognisable as a body piercing one.   
Frank stared at it, amazed.  
“I, uh…” Gerard said, nervously. “I noticed the hole.” Frank looked up in time to see Gerard tap his lip. He found his hand going to his own lip then, trying to feel for the still empty hole from the missing piercing.   
Gerard continued, “I guessed you’d lost it or something. I wasn’t sure what you wore, and the guy in the shop confused the fuck outta me. But, uh, I knew you wear a ring here.” Another tap, this time to his nose. “So… I just-”  
Suddenly Frank leapt forward, grabbing Gerard’s hand with both of his. Then, taking the piercing in one hand, he hugged Gerard, tightly.  
“Thank you. Thank you, I-”  
Gerard laughed. “You’re welcome. I hope, will it fit? I don’t have a damn clue.”   
Frank let go, then dashed to the bedroom, going to the mirror, taking the ring out, his hands trembling just slightly, though for once, it was from excitement.  
He slipped the piercing into place, wincing slightly, the hole had closed a little in the time he hadn’t had it in. But then he smiled.   
Gerard had followed him, and was now sitting on the end of the bed, behind him.   
“It suits you.” Gerard said.   
Frank nodded.   
Then he turned, looked at Gerard, beaming.   
He hurried over, then bent to kiss Gerard on the cheek, smiling as he felt the familiar little pressure from the ring in his lip as he did. 

###

Frank fell asleep early, and at first Gerard thought that might be a good thing.  
But then the nightmares came again.  
Apparently they were one thing that was getting worse now Frank was off the drugs.

Gerard hadn’t even got the chance to get to sleep before Frank started.   
He wasted no time in getting out of bed, going to the living room, going to Frank.  
He refused to listen to what Frank was saying, but he couldn’t help it.   
It was all painting a picture too awful to imagine.   
“Frank. Please. That’s enough now, wake up!”   
When he finally opened his eyes, Frank backed immediately away from Gerard, suspicious and scared of anyone and anything near him.   
Then, much like the previous night, there was an obvious switch, he could see Gerard now, he knew he wasn’t in any danger.   
But unlike the previous night, Frank didn’t move close then.  
Instead he hid his face and burst into tears.   
Gerard, unsure of what to do, finally settled on getting up on the bed, beside Frank, trying to coax him closer. “It’s okay.” Gerard told him. “I’m here, you’re alright.”   
Frank shook his head. “You… You heard me again, didn’t you? You heard what I was dreaming?” He looked up, staring at Gerard, waiting for an answer.   
Eventually, Gerard nodded. “Yeah, I heard.”   
Frank buried his face again.   
“Frank. It’s okay, I don’t-”  
“It means you know!” Frank exclaimed, hurt and frustrated, not believing his own dreams could betray him so cruelly. “You were never meant to fucking know what- What I did, what I was. But then I guess I kinda gave that away already by trying to blow you, huh? Stupid little fuck that I am. Guess Jimmy was right all along, huh?”   
“Frank. Stop. Stop it, you’re not stupid, and I-”  
“Don’t you fucking get it yet?” Frank snapped. “Don’t you fucking see? I’m so covered in dirt and shit, I’m dirty beyond words, and though you’ve tried, and you’ve tried, I may be clean in one way, but never in another. I will never, never be clean of them.”   
Gerard tried to reach out, to comfort him, calm him down. “Don’t!” Frank cried. “Why do you even want to? Why do you even want to touch me? You know! You know the things I’ve done. You know I’m just a dirty little-”  
“Frank. Don’t-”  
“Whore.”  
Gerard winced at the word, he hadn’t wanted Frank to say it out loud like that.  
Now there was no getting away from it.   
“Frank.” He said, gently. “I don’t-”  
“The thing is, you don’t really know the half of it. You don’t know how many. You don’t know you were just the next in the long line of men I got on my fucking knees for.”  
Again, Gerard tried to reach to him, to stop him, but Frank pushed him away. “And that’s not all. What I wouldn’t give to have only sucked them off. You know what’s worse? Being sucked off. Because then you have to pretend you like it, that you enjoy it, when really your skin is crawling and all you want to do is push the bastard away from you. But no, you have to stay there while he sucks you and you can feel his tongue which he can’t fucking keep still and all that time you have to try and stay hard, not get turned off, because then you’re in serious trouble.”  
Gerard had given up trying to stop him, it was no use, Frank wasn’t stopping. All Gerard could do now was sit and listen.  
And try to ignore the nausea that’d suddenly hit him.   
“But, of course, the absolute worse is being fucked. Someone, inside you, pushing into you, and tearing pieces out of you as they go. Then that’s only if you haven’t got yourself some fucking weirdo, who wants to do nasty stuff to you. Usually painful stuff too. I’ve got scars Gerard, oh so many fucking scars. The bruises faded, but the scars remain. I’m fucking covered.”   
Then he finally looked up, looked at Gerard, saw the sad and horrified look on his face.  
Frank sighed. “And now I’ve fucked this up… I’m sorry, Gerard, you weren’t supposed to know. I didn’t… I didn’t want you to see.”  
For a while neither spoke. Neither moved.  
Eventually Frank said, “Since I’ve messed up as much as possible, I might as well tell you one more thing, can‘t make things any worse.”  
Gerard didn’t say anything, just kept watching Frank, letting him know he was listening.   
“I… Gerard I think I… I think I kinda like you. But that’s fucked up and messed up and insane because… Because I don’t like, I can’t like anyone. I… I’m not even sure if I-”  
He stopped, suddenly, and looked up as he felt a hand on his own.   
Gerard uncurled Frank’s hand from the fist it’d formed, held it tight in his own as he looked at Frank, waiting to gain the eye contact he wanted.  
“I like you too.”   
Frank frowned, searching Gerard’s eyes, face, trying to find the catch, the joke, the misunderstanding.   
Then Gerard was leaning closer, and Frank backed away.  
“Gerard, I-”  
“Trust me.” Gerard told him, gently. Leaning in just a little more, he repeated the earlier action of kissing Frank on the cheek, though he lingered longer.  
Frank had started shaking, Gerard pulled him in close. “I’m sorry.” Gerard told him, “I’m sorry if even that’s too much.”   
Frank shook his head, pushed him away slightly, “I just.. I don’t understand. Why would you like me? Why would you still want me when you know-”  
“We all have pasts, Frank. We all have scars.”   
Frank looked at him, trying to figure out what he meant. 

They went back into Gerard’s room again, and though Frank was fully awake this time, when he saw the bed, became aware of the hands on his shoulders, he backed away.   
Gerard lent close, whispered in his ear. “I’m not asking you for anything, I promise, this is just about the nightmares.”   
Frank nodded, forced the memories back.   
Gerard let Frank get in first, hesitated before following. He knelt on the edge of the bed, waiting. Frank turned on his side, looked up at Gerard, nodded again. “I can’t get rid of the nightmares without you.”  
Gerard laid down beside him, pulled the covers over them both, once again waited, waited for Frank to come to him. 

Their confessions of feelings for each other seemed to have both lifted tension and added a new layer of it. They both felt better for having said something, but neither knew what to do now. There was comfort in knowing the other felt the same, but there was still an uncertainty.   
Gerard at least knew what he wanted, whereas Frank was now only more confused. He wanted to be with Gerard, but he wasn’t sure how that would work out. The idea of everyday intimacy was scary enough, without taking into account the more… In depth intimacy. 

And Frank still couldn’t let go of what Gerard had said, about everyone having pasts, everyone having scars.  
What scars did Gerard have? He hadn’t seen them, but then again, he guessed Gerard hadn’t seen his either, as numerous as they were, Frank somehow kept them all well hidden.   
Maybe Gerard meant emotional scars, that made sense too.  
Next morning, however, Frank discovered exactly what Gerard meant.

It was early, but already light, bright enough that the bedroom had a glow to it.   
Frank was awake first, glad to discover sleep had come for him after all, and he’d been free of nightmares once again.   
Gerard was still beside him, arms very loosely around him, and Frank realised how tight he was holding Gerard in return.   
He loosened his hold, and backed off slightly.   
Took Gerard in.  
He’d never been this close to Gerard while he was sleeping before. There were the few times, before Gerard had gone back to work that Frank had shared the couch with Gerard while he was still sleeping, but he’d never got close, hadn’t dared.  
Now Frank had the chance he looked, really looked.   
Gerard’s hair fell slightly across his face, hiding one closed eye, mingling with the long eyelashes. Frank tried, and failed to resist pushing his hair back off his face, get a better look. Frank’s eyes went to Gerard’s lips, and he wondered what it would be like to kiss him.   
He succeeded in resisting that urge.   
Frank pushed himself away a little more, slightly afraid of the thoughts he’d had.   
Gerard shifted slightly, still sleeping, probably reacting to Frank’s movements. His arm slipped out from where he’d been holding Frank, onto the pillow between them.   
Frank moved to take Gerard’s hand into his own, if only for a second, then he saw it.  
He couldn’t believe he’d never noticed, in all the times Gerard had been close to him, holding him, he’d never noticed.   
Now he knew what Gerard meant by scars.   
Just one, faded, but not much. Big, thick, messy, especially at one end, and stretching from one side of his wrist to the other, right across the veins.   
Frank wasn’t stupid, he knew what that meant, what’d happened, what Gerard had done, tried to do.   
Frank’s first instinct was to get away from him, he didn’t want to be in the same room as him anymore. He wanted to get away, get away until he could forget that reality.   
Not because he judged Gerard for it, but because he couldn’t bear the thought of him… Of him doing that. Even trying that.   
And instead, Frank moved closer again, held on tightly again.  
He wasn’t going to mention to Gerard what he’d seen, but, at least if Gerard brought it up, he’d be a little prepared.   
Now Frank just had to stop picturing it. 

###

By the time Frank woke up again, Gerard was awake. Still in bed, but sat up, reading.   
He smiled at Frank when he saw his eyes were open.  
“Morning.”   
Frank smiled back, memories of what he’d discovered were gone for now. He sat up, next to Gerard.  
“No work today?”  
Gerard shook his head. “No work today.” 

It was about midday by the time they got out of bed. Frank went straight in the shower, and when he came out, he found Gerard already dressed.  
“Just gotta go out for a couple of hours, gotta pick up some stuff, I’ll be back soon.” He promised.  
By the door Gerard hesitated, looked at Frank, went to walk back to him, stopped again, then with a second goodbye and a promise to be back soon, he finally left. 

Frank went back into the bedroom, found the book Gerard had been reading still on the bed.  
He took it into the living room and started reading, careful not to let Gerard’s bookmark fall out of place as he did. 

###

To say Mikey Way was annoyed at his brother was probably a little inaccurate.   
Well. He certainly was annoyed, but it was more borne out of worry than anything.  
Two months? It had to be the longest the brothers had spent without contact. And for a lot of that Mikey had tried to get hold of Gerard.   
It’d been a relief when he’d finally phoned the store and Ray had said yes, Gerard was there.   
Mikey may have shouted, just a little, for making him worry. Said he’d almost called their parents (untrue), said he’d tried Gerard’s mobile nearly a hundred times (true).   
Eventually, once Mikey had calmed down, Gerard apologised, promised to explain, but he couldn’t right then. Told Mikey he should come over to stay again, he could explain everything then.   
“I missed you Mikey. I didn’t mean to be unreachable for so long.”   
“What the hell happened, Gee? You had me fucking worried.”   
“I know… I just. I got kinda wrapped up in something. I’ll explain when you come over.”  
So, they’d agreed Mikey would come that weekend. A common occurrence, and again, it was odd they’d gone this long without it. 

Mikey got to Gerard’s door, didn’t bother knocking, never did. Just took out his key and opened the door himself.   
He’d opened his mouth to call to Gerard, let him know he was there, but before he did, he caught sight of someone in the living room.   
Quickly, before the person had a chance to look around and see him, Mikey ducked back out and shut the door, quietly as possible.   
He went a little down the hallway, digging his phone out of his pocket as he did so.   
“Gerard.” Mikey said, tightly, as soon as his brother picked up the call. “You do know there’s someone in your apartment, right?”   
He heard Gerard sigh heavily down the phone. “Shit. Mikey, I’m sorry, I forgot that was today.”  
“I’m going to ignore the fact you forgot about your own brother again, to ask you who that is in your apartment.”  
“It’s Frank.”   
Mikey tried, really, really tried to stay calm.   
“Who the fuck is Frank?!”  
It didn’t work.   
Another sigh from Gerard. “He’s… A long story.”   
“He wouldn’t happen to be _the_ long story, would he, Gerard?” Mikey asked, hand going to his forehead, rubbing slightly.  
Fuck he was getting a headache.   
“Kinda…” Gerard replied.   
Mikey’s turn to sigh. “Fucking hell Gerard, you didn’t think to tell me you had a new boyfriend, and that he’s fucking living with you?”   
“He’s not-!” Gerard’s voice suddenly sounded very panicked. “I mean we- He’s not my boyfriend.”   
“Great, so I’m gonna have to deal with another scene like that one with Sammy, aren’t I? Fuck, Gee, I wish you’d just warn me before-”  
“Mikey! He is not my boyfriend, alright?”   
Mikey paused, taking this in, but not completely believing his brother. “Okay. Well, what am I supposed to do now? Wait for you?”  
“No.” Gerard said. “Just… Go in. Say hi. But, um… I should warn you. He’s, erm, he’s a little nervous around new people, like, really nervous and-”  
“Shit Gee, what have you let into your home?” Mikey asked, despairingly.   
Yep, headache was definitely getting worse.  
When Gerard spoke again it was quiet, sad, a little bit pleading. “Mikey, please, he’s just… He’s had a rough time. Just go in, tell him who you are. It’ll be fine Mikey, please, I promise.”   
Mikey took a long time thinking about that, then he sighed. “Okay, I guess… You’ll be home soon though, right?”  
“Thanks Mikey, and yeah, I will. I promise.”   
Mikey hung up, then went back to the apartment door, stuffing his phone back in his pocket as he did.   
Taking a deep breath, Mikey knocked on the door, and waited.   
“You’d better not be like Sammy.” Mikey muttered.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mikey makes his proper entrance to events here, and we see how he and Frank will react to each other. And, through him we learn some unexpectedly dark parts of Gerard's past.  
> But, despite this... Or perhaps because of it, Frank and Gerard start to become closer still.

Frank had thought he’d heard the door open, but when he looked, it was still closed.  
He was just imagining it.  
Just hoping Gerard was home already.

Fuck, things were kinda complicated now, weren’t they?  
Frank wished he’d waited a little longer before telling Gerard… Telling him he liked him. Just, just until the point where Frank could fully explain what he was feeling. But, then again, he wasn’t sure he’d ever get to that point.   
Fuck, he missed the days when liking someone was simple for him.   
But that’d been a long time ago. It felt even longer.  
He found himself thinking of home for the first time in months. He wondered if they were still looking for him. He kinda hoped not. Frank was pretty certain they wouldn’t like what they found.   
And, despite everything, he still didn’t want to go back.   
Especially not now, not now he had Gerard.   
Frank tried to imagine telling his parents he was gay. He couldn’t. He couldn’t picture it. It’d never been something Frank had considered.   
Would they tell him he was wrong? That he shouldn’t, couldn’t be gay?  
Would they take him away from Gerard?  
That was the part that scared him the most.   
Going back would, doubtless, mean leaving Gerard, permanently.   
Frank realised how much that thought scared him.  
And he realised that perhaps figuring out his feelings wasn’t so complicated after all. 

There was a knock on the door, and Frank almost physically jumped.  
No one had ever come to the door before, or, if they had, Gerard had got there quickly, and sent them away.  
At first Frank had thought he’d done that, sent people away so quick, because he was ashamed to have Frank there, ashamed of the thought of someone seeing such a wreck of a person in his home.   
He didn’t think that anymore though. He thought… Gerard did it as a way to protect him.   
Now though, Gerard wasn’t there.  
And Frank was very, very tempted to just ignore the knock, pretend he hadn’t heard it.   
When the knock came again, Frank realised they weren’t just going to go away.  
He guessed he didn’t have much of a choice.

Mikey waited impatiently for the door to be answered. Yes, he had a key, but if this guy was as nervous as Gerard made out, he wasn’t going to just walk in unannounced.   
It did, however occur to Mikey that perhaps they wouldn’t answer the door at all.  
Mikey sighed. He’d have to wait for Gerard, wouldn’t he?   
Mikey tried the door once more, not feeling very hopeful that it’d be opened.   
Then he heard footsteps the other side of the door, then there was a pause.  
And, finally, the door opened.

Frank didn’t recognise the guy standing in front of him, which was a relief. His biggest fear had been opening the door and seeing…  
Jimmy. Johnny. Any of them. He was so scared of being tracked down.   
There was something slightly familiar about him, though Frank couldn’t figure it out.  
“Hey.” The guy said, with a small, but warm smile (now there was something even more familiar about him, the smile was familiar) “Frank, right?”  
Frank nodded.   
“I’m Mikey, Gerard’s brother.”  
Then it all became clear.  
Frank recognised Mikey from the pictures Gerard had of the two of them, though they were all from when they were younger, so it hadn’t clicked right away.  
And the smile was familiar, because it was a lot like Gerard’s.  
“Oh!” Frank exclaimed. “You’re Gerard’s brother? He- He didn’t say you were coming.”  
“No.” Mikey shook his head, rolled his eyes. “He forgot. But he knows I’m here, I just called him.”   
Frank frowned slightly, then looked away, feeling suddenly self conscious, as he remembered how he’d heard the door open earlier, realised he hadn’t imagined it, that it must’ve been Mikey. “You- You didn’t know I was gonna be here, did you?”  
Mikey shook his head. “No. But, it’s okay. Gerard said he’d be home soon. So…” He glanced inside, pointedly.   
“Oh!” Frank realised he hadn’t done the one, very simple thing he should’ve. “Um, sorry…” Then he stepped aside, holding the door open, allowing Mikey to come inside.  
He was a little surprised to note the bag Mikey carried in with him.   
“Are- Are you going to be staying for a while?” Frank asked once Mikey set his bag down, and he’d closed the door behind him.   
Mikey nodded. “Yeah. Just over the weekend, though.” He explained.  
Then Frank remembered what Gerard had said about the ‘bed’ in the living room, how his brother slept there when he stayed over.   
Frank could feel himself begin to panic.   
Mikey was staying over? Staying the night? A couple of nights even? How… How had Gerard thought this would be a good idea?   
Never mind the fact that he was still slightly prone to breaking down, lashing out, the thing that concerned Frank most was the fact his nightmares were so bad. He was embarrassed enough that Gerard heard them, the thought of anyone else hearing them was terrifying.   
He forced himself to calm down, wait for Gerard, he’d explain, Frank was sure.  
Mikey was heading over to the couch, sitting down, and Frank decided the best thing to do would probably be to just follow him. He reasoned that Mikey seemed nice enough, and, he was Gerard’s brother, how bad could he really be?  
Frank sat the other end of the couch. Sitting awkwardly, pressed against the arm, hands clasped between his knees.  
“You’re uncomfortable, huh?” Mikey asked, and Frank looked up at him.   
Then nodded.  
And Mikey gave him that smile again, that one that looked like Gerard’s but wasn’t quite the same. “It’s okay. I get it. I suck at meeting new people sometimes. Though I’m not as bad as Gee. Believe me.”   
Frank was surprised to hear that. “Gerard- Gerard’s bad with new people?”   
Mikey laughed. “Oh. Yeah! I mean, he’s great once he’s talking to people. It’s the first parts he’s not so good with.”   
“I wouldn’t have guessed… He was great with me.” Frank didn’t realise he’d said that out loud until Mikey replied, “How did you guys meet? Gerard hasn’t said yet and-”  
“It’s a long story.” Frank blurted, louder than he’d meant to.   
He could feel Mikey staring at him, but he didn’t dare look.   
Then Mikey laughed. “Okay, maybe we’ll come back to that.”   
Frank nodded, daring a look at Mikey now, saw that smile again.  
He smiled back.  
Maybe this wasn’t going to be as difficult as he thought it would be. 

Gerard had been as quick as he could, anxious to get home now.  
Was Frank going to be okay with Mikey being there?  
Would they get on?  
And oh God please don’t let Mikey say the word ‘boyfriend’ to Frank… 

When he got back he cautiously walked in, calling out a hello as he did.   
He was relieved to see Frank and Mikey sitting on the couch together, chatting.   
Mikey looked pretty comfortable, smile on his face.   
And Frank looked, well, a hell of a lot more comfortable that Gerard had expected. He looked a little awkward, like he didn’t know how to sit, but… Even he had a small smile on his face.  
Gerard got a returning hello from both of them, and they turned to look over the back of the couch at him.  
“So… You guys getting on okay?”  
“Uh huh.” Mikey replied. “But don’t you have an apology to make to both of us?”   
Gerard rolled his eyes. “Sorry I forgot you were coming, Mikey. And sorry I didn’t tell you about Frank.” Mikey nodded, accepting the apology.   
Then Gerard came over to the couch, sat between the two of them, and turned his attention to Frank. “And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you my brother was coming. I should’ve.”   
Frank nodded, his eyes cast down. Why was he finding it hard to look Gerard in the eye all of a sudden? Why did he feel embarrassed?  
 _Because you know his brother is watching you now. You’re scared you’ll give something away._  
He jumped when he felt Gerard’s hand on his own. Looked up, saw Gerard staring right at him. That concerned look in his eyes again.   
“You okay?” Gerard said, quietly.   
Frank nodded, he was.  
Gerard sat back then, happier knowing Frank was alright. He went to take his hand away, when Frank suddenly grabbed it, held it tight.   
Again Gerard looked at him, expecting to see panic or fear on Frank’s face.  
Relieved when he didn’t.   
Frank wasn’t scared, but he did need Gerard, needed him there.   
That was fine, Gerard could do that.

The three of them sat, chatted, Mikey occasionally teasing his older brother, pleased to have someone to embarrass Gerard in front of.   
Gerard pretended to be annoyed, but he couldn’t really get mad with his brother. And he discovered that Frank’s laugh was more like a quiet giggle, and he liked that. 

“Okay. Now’s the time, how did you guys meet?” Mikey finally said.  
Both Frank and Gerard went instantly silent, the tension in the room shot up.  
“Um…” Frank mumbled.  
“It’s a long story.” Gerard said, quickly.   
Mikey sighed, seeming a little impatient now. “’it’s a long story.’ Really? I’m here until Sunday, guys, I doubt the story is that long.”   
Still neither said anything.   
And Frank thought that maybe, actually, yes, it was that long. After all the questions that would follow, anyway.  
“Mikey, it-”  
“He found me on the street.” Frank suddenly said.   
He couldn’t stand the tension, and the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.   
Mikey stared at him, a little wide eyed.   
Then he turned his attention to Gerard.  
“Gerard? What, uh, what exactly does that-”  
Gerard was on his feet suddenly, letting go of Frank’s hand as he did, grabbing Mikey’s arm instead, dragging him up too.  
“Mikey. A word.”  
With a quick, apologetic look at Frank, Gerard dragged Mikey to the kitchen.  
Frank watched them go, a horrible, sinking feeling in his gut.  
He’d said the wrong thing. Was Gerard angry with him? And was Mikey- What was Mikey thinking of him now?   
Frank pulled his legs up onto the couch, curling in on himself.   
Wanting Gerard back, reassuring him.  
Scared he wouldn’t.

“What the hell was that about?” Mikey demanded, shrugging Gerard’s hand off him.   
Gerard looked nervously in the direction of the door. He didn’t want Frank hearing this conversation.   
“Keep your voice down, Mikey, please. Look, I’ll tell you-”  
“And what the hell did he mean, ‘you found him on the street’? Now, Gerard, I don’t think I’m being unreasonable when I say that sounds a little messed up.”  
Gerard sighed, yeah, he had to admit, it hadn’t sounded good, even though it was true.   
Probably because it was true.   
“Okay. Yes. It is messed up, but it’s not as bad as you think. Look. I was walking home, and I saw him. He was passed out, in real bad shape. So, I took him home, I- I just couldn’t leave him out there like that.”  
Mikey was staring at him, wide eyed, but saying nothing. So Gerard continued.   
“Then… He woke up and he was still in bad shape, you know… Withdrawal, and. I guess I decided to help him. I knew I could, Mikey, so-”  
“Wait.” Mikey interrupted. “You’re telling me… He’s a junkie? And you’ve been holed up here with him, all this time, just the two of you?”  
Okay, again, now it was put that way, it sounded really bad. “Yes, but-”  
Then Gerard noticed the intense way his brother was staring at him.  
“Fucking hell Mikey, stop checking my eyes, I’m not-”  
“You’re lucky I’m not rolling up your goddamn sleeves.” Mikey snapped. “Now. You be one hundred per cent fucking honest with me, Gerard. Have you-”  
“No.” Gerard said, forcefully, before Mikey could even finish the question. “Don’t- Don’t accuse me of that Mikey.”  
Then Mikey nodded, his eyes cast down. “I’m sorry. You know how much it scares me.”   
“I know.”  
A quiet, sad silence filled the room. Then finally Mikey said. “So. Frank…”  
“I helped him.” Gerard said. And Mikey nodded. “Please… Don’t judge him, Mikey, don’t… He’s such a nice guy he just… He’s had a really bad time. I think I know some of it now, but… But not everything. He didn’t want to be like he was, and he’s so much better now.”  
Mikey nodded again. “I know. I can tell. He’s, he’s okay Gee, and I like him. Just… Shit. Promise me again he didn’t bring any of that crap into this apartment?”  
Gerard shook his head. “He didn’t. I told you, he was already bad when I got to him. He’d obviously not had a fix for at least a day, maybe two.”   
Mikey fell against the cupboards, hand going to his head again as he closed his eyes. Then, slowly, he nodded. “Okay. Okay Gee. Fuck… This is just… It’s scary, alright? Can you at least appreciate how fucking scary this sounds to me?”  
Gerard nodded. “I can. But I’m okay, and so’s he. We’re so far past the worst of it now Mikey.”  
“Alright, I believe you, I do.”   
Then he paused, started smiling, which confused Gerard, a lot.  
“He really likes you, you know?” Mikey said.   
Gerard could feel something very much like a blush creep on him, tried to hide his own smile. He shrugged.  
“And I _know_ you like him too.” Mikey continued.   
Another pause.  
“You’re kinda cute together.”   
Then Gerard looked up, startled. “Mikey. Do not say that to Frank, please.”   
Mikey laughed. “Why? Has he got commitment issues or something? Worried about scaring him away?”   
Gerard shook his head. “It’s… It’s complicated Mikey.“  
Mikey had stopped laughing now, not quite understanding.  
“Okay, well, you’re not-boyfriend is probably getting edgy out there, we should go back.”  
Gerard nodded, feeling guilty that he’d left Frank like that, probably wondering what was going on. 

Frank felt both relieved and scared when he saw Gerard and Mikey come back in.   
Then Gerard smiled at him, and he felt the fear drain away.   
The brothers sat back down, and Gerard offered his hand to Frank, who took it, gratefully.   
“I’ve explained it to Mikey now. He knows about me taking you in.” Gerard told him, gently.   
The fear returned again then, full force.   
What else did Mikey know?  
Then Mikey leaned forward slightly, addressing Frank, and answering his question, “He told me you weren’t doing so good when you got here, but you’re better now. I- I know how hard that is, so, well done. I wouldn’t have guessed if Gerard hadn’t told me.”   
Frank knew that part was a lie. He saw it in the mirror everyday. Yes, he looked better, healthier, but he was still pretty sure he saw that ‘junkie’ look, just hidden below the surface.  
Hearing Mikey tell him ‘well done’ though, that… Frank hadn’t expected that. He had never expected any sort of congratulations for getting himself off drugs, it was what you were meant to do, wasn’t it? Weren’t people meant to judge you for being on drugs in the first place?   
He found himself feeling… A little pleased.   
Then, he said, shyly, “I- I couldn’t- I wouldn’t have done it without Gerard’s help. I’d have cracked early on.”   
“Don’t deny yourself the praise, Frank.” Gerard told him. “You did the hard part, not me.”   
Frank thought about this. He thought about the long days and the longer nights. About the headaches and the cramps and the sweating and throwing up and the haunting, haunting thoughts.  
Then he thought about how Gerard was always there. Always at hand. He couldn’t think of a single time throughout the whole process when he’d looked for Gerard and hadn’t found him.   
He thought about the times where his head was so messed up he didn’t know where he was, what he was doing. Everything was scary, everything was a threat and he fought blindly.  
And he thought about coming out of that, things becoming clearer, usually in the morning. Seeing Gerard again, seeing him trying to hide bruises. Feeling so fucking guilty, knowing he’d done it, but not being able to remember.   
And Frank thought perhaps they’d both worked, suffered, only Frank was the one who ultimately benefited.   
“I think we can agree it was a team effort.” Frank said, again, quietly.  
“It usually is.” Mikey said, nodding.   
The brothers shared a look then, and Frank got the feeling he was missing something there, but he didn’t ask. 

A little later, the TV went on, though they continued talking throughout.  
The three of them comfortable, relaxed.   
“You know something, Gee?” Mikey said. “As much as I like spending the weekend with just you, it’s nice to have someone else here too.” Again Mikey leant forward, smiled at Frank, who smiled back.   
“Yeah.” Gerard agreed, squeezing Frank’s hand slightly. “I think so too.”  
Frank ducked his head slightly, embarrassed, but liking the weird, warm feeling he got when he saw the way Gerard was smiling at him.   
“And it’s certainly nice to have someone here who, you know, I can actually get on with.”  
Gerard sighed then, knowing where this was going. “Mikey…”  
“What? I’m just saying, at least this isn‘t like when Sammy was here.”   
That time Gerard groaned. _Uh huh. I knew this was where we were going._  
“Mikey. Can we not-”  
“Who’s Sammy?” Frank asked.   
Gerard winced. He didn’t want to have this conversation, at all. He especially didn’t want to have this conversation with Frank there too.   
“Just an ex.” Gerard said, hurriedly, hoping if he got the barest information out, Mikey would drop the subject.   
No such luck.  
“Oh, sure, ‘just an ex’. Gerard, it was hell when you were with him.”   
Gerard shook his head, but not like he was arguing. “Mikey, please…”   
Mikey rolled his eyes. “Fine. I was just making the point anyway.” Then, once again focusing on Frank, “It’s really nice having you here Frank, you’re easy to get on with.” Then sitting back, Mikey muttered, “And you’ve not tried to practically fuck my brother while I’m sitting right here.”   
“Mikey!” Gerard snapped. Annoyed at him for once again bringing up Sammy, and for the intimation about ‘fucking‘. Hadn’t they been over this?   
“I’m sorry!” Mikey snapped right back, but not like he was mad at Gerard. “But I hated the guy, alright? I just- Fuck.”  
Frank could tell things were only going to get worse if he left the brothers to discuss this between them. He wasn’t sure if his joining the conversation would help, but he guessed it could. Maybe it would be better to just get it out of the way, then they could move on.   
“What- Um. What was so bad about him?”   
Frank didn’t admit, even to himself, that a part of him wanted to find out what Mikey hadn’t liked so he could make sure he didn’t do those things.  
Though his and Gerard’s relationship was… Tentative, at best, Frank felt like he wanted to know what would make Gerard’s brother like him.  
Gerard looked at Frank, surprised he’d asked, and looking a little sad. He hadn’t wanted to talk about this. He looked scared. And a little… Ashamed.  
 _You know my secrets._ Frank thought. _How can this be worse? What do you have to be ashamed of?_  
“Well, for starters,” Mikey said. “He was a complete dick.”  
Gerard shook his head. “Not all the time Mikey, he wasn’t. He- He was alright.”   
“To me, then. He was a complete dick to me. And you know it.”  
A nod this time. “And I told him to stop.”  
“And he ignored you.” Mikey argued. “Gee.” He continued, slightly softer now, “I’m not blaming you for how he was with me, I know you told him not to.”  
Gerard nodded. His eyes were closed, his head down. Frank couldn’t stop staring at him, more than usual. He looked… Fragile. Something he’d never seen from Gerard before.   
This wasn’t about someone just being a dick. There was more to it. But Frank couldn’t quite figure it out.   
“Then there was all the junk he brought here. I wonder if I ever actually saw that guy sober.”   
At that Frank froze.  
Was that why Mikey didn’t like drugs? Because of this guy?   
Had he got Gerard caught up with them?  
“Gerard…” Frank said, tentatively, and Gerard looked up at him. “Was Sammy… Was he the one you went to The Phoenix with?” Gerard nodded. “Yeah. But, Frank, don’t worry about that, I already told you, I never-”   
“I know.” Frank didn’t want Gerard saying anything about the room. He liked Mikey, trusted him, but he didn’t like Gerard knowing about that place, he certainly didn’t want Mikey knowing about it.   
“What’s ‘The Phoenix’?” Mikey asked, looking from between them both.   
Again Frank and Gerard looked at each other, wondering what to say.  
Finally, Frank decided there was an easy way to put this.  
“It’s the place that got me messed up.”   
At that Mikey nodded. “Sounds about right for Sammy then.” He said. “Though I expect he went in looking for trouble, something tells me you didn’t.”   
Frank thought back, trying to remember the first time he’d been there.  
He’d gone in looking for a drink, nothing stronger.  
Saint Jimmy had found _him._  
That was as close to having trouble finding you in person.   
“And don’t even get me started on his creepy vampire fetish.”   
Frank snapped his head back up when he heard that. Eyes wide, he stared at Mikey, then at Gerard, who sighed, shook his head again. “It wasn’t so bad at first, he just… He was just, you know… Into it. I didn’t realise he was going to-  
"He tried to kill you." Mikey stated, harshly. Frank found he couldn’t look at Gerard now, could only focus on Mikey. And Mikey looked so angry, his eyes hard, lips pressed in a tight line.  
Now Frank knew why Mikey hated this guy so much. And Frank realised, he hated him too. He’d never met the guy but he… What had he done to Gerard?   
Without meaning to, Frank squeezed Gerard‘s hand again, hard this time, like he was trying to reaffirm to himself that Gerard was still there. Then he felt Gerard’s other hand close around their already clasped hands, rubbing slightly, reassuring.   
"No.” Gerard said patiently. “He didn't. He-”   
But Mikey interrupted him, sharply, "Gerard. He sliced your fucking wrist open."  
"Yes. But he wasn't trying to kill me he was just-"  
"I saw it, Gerard!” Mikey was almost shouting, clearly frustrated with his brother now, for trying to downplay what’d happened. Like it hadn’t been one of the scariest things they’d been through. “I had to be the one to get him away from you. He was going to-"  
Gerard, ignoring Mikey, seeing the pain in his eyes and hating it. Yes, he knew how terrifying that night had been for Mikey, it had been all too much of a blur for Gerard to be scared at the time. Now? Yes. The memories scared him. Because although he knew (as much as Mikey wouldn‘t listen) that Sammy really had had no intention of killing him, there was a very real possibility that he would‘ve accidentally gone too far.   
He hadn’t been scared of him back then, though Gerard knew he should’ve been. Now… Now just talking about him was terrifying. It brought back a lot of memories, all made harsher without the rose-tinted glow of ‘love’ (Gerard knew now it hadn’t been).  
Gerard focused again on Frank, knowing this must be scaring him too. He hadn‘t wanted Mikey to bring Sammy up, not with Frank there, not yet. Now he had to explain it, see if he could make it sound less scary than it really was.   
At first Frank wouldn‘t look at him, and Gerard could only imagine the thoughts, images running through his head. With a gentle hand on his knee, Gerard got Frank to look at him. He was still wide eyed, confused, worried.   
Gerard wanted to reach out, calm him. But he couldn‘t. So he tried to rely on just his words, knowing it wasn’t going to do as much good as he hoped.  
"Me and Sammy, we both... Talked about the idea of... Um... Blood play. But... Uh. Sammy was more into it, I didn't mind talking about it, and-” He glanced at Mikey, feeling ashamed, but knowing this wasn’t news to his brother. “we kinda fooled around with it a bit, I was okay with that. but he. Um…"  
"Was fucking crazy.” Mikey interrupted. “That's what he was. You do know what he was going to do, don't you?"  
Gerard still hadn‘t taken his eyes off Frank, looking for his reaction, but he seemed only blank. _He‘s even more scared now. Or have I reminded him of something?  
Did something like this happen to him?_  
"Yes, Mikey, I know exactly what he was going to do. And I'm very grateful you were there to stop him, but can we just-"  
Mikey wasn’t listening, he was also talking to Frank. "The guy would bite down on Gerard's lip, trying to make him bleed, on purpose. I saw him do it, but Gerard always said it was fine, no big deal, they were only playing. Slashing open a vein wasn't exactly playing, was it Gee?"  
Frank was now completely focused on Gerard, though he heard Mikey’s words.  
This… This guy had cut Gerard, with the crazy notion of drinking his blood? That’s what vampires did, right? If he had a ‘vampire fetish’ as Mikey put it, that had to be what Sammy had intended to do.   
He’d tried to… To feed off him.   
Frank reached out for Gerard’s hand, the one on top of his, turned it over, then ran his fingers lightly over the scar there.  
Frank had been wrong, Gerard hadn’t hurt himself.   
This was what had really happened, how he‘d really got that scar.   
Gerard was watching him, wide eyed. He’d hoped Frank didn’t know about the scar, wouldn’t make the connection, but he had.   
He could feel himself starting to shake.  
"Mikey. That's enough. Okay?" Gerard said, gently.  
“Gerard, I’m sorry but-”  
“Mikey.” Gerard said, again, suddenly letting go of Frank’s hands, standing up. “I- I can’t.”   
And, without further warning, Gerard left the room.  
Both Mikey and Frank watched him go.   
Mikey felt awful, guilty. He knew he’d pushed too far. He shouldn’t have brought Sammy up in the first place. He knew how bad it’d been, knew Gerard hated talking about it now. But… Once he’d started he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t push down the intense anger, so he’d kept going, not realising, though he should’ve, the distress he was causing Gerard.   
And Frank… Frank had a feeling he couldn’t shake. Something about the look Gerard had had, the more they continued talking about Sammy. A fear, but a very specific fear. Frank knew that look. He’d seen it in the eyes of the other boys in Saint Jimmy’s ‘service’.   
He’d seen it, reflected back to him in the mirror.   
Frank hoped he was wrong, very wrong, but… 

Frank looked nervously at Mikey, almost asking his permission.  
Mikey sighed, slumped further down on the couch. “Go.” He said.

Gerard was standing in the kitchen, his hands braced against the counter, eyes closed.   
It scared Frank a little to see him so vulnerable.   
“Gerard?”  
He didn’t get an answer, so he stepped in a little closer. Tried again.   
That time Gerard looked up, saw Frank.  
He gave a small smile, but it faltered.   
“I’m… I’m sorry.” Frank said. “I shouldn’t have kept asking questions.”   
Gerard shook his head. “Mikey would’ve said it with or without prompts. He just- He doesn’t get a chance to get his anger out about it much so… I guess he saw a chance and ran with it.”   
Frank nodded, it’d seemed that way to him too.   
“I’m still sorry.” Frank insisted. Then Gerard did smile. “Don’t. None of it’s your fault.”   
Frank didn’t reply to that. The thoughts in his head were too overwhelming, he needed to get them out, but he had to figure out how to do that without hurting Gerard in the process.   
“Gerard, he… Sammy, I mean. He… He hurt you. Didn’t he?”   
Gerard laughed, humourlessly. “Kinda.”  
“I don’t- I don’t just mean the, um, the ‘blood play’ stuff. I- I-” Then Gerard looked at him again, wide eyed. Frank felt something in his stomach sink, that was as good as confirmation. His mouth went to his hand, he felt sick.  
He crossed the small distance between them, pleased to find Gerard eagerly accept his embrace.   
Frank realised Gerard was shaking slightly, it made Frank hold him tighter.   
Gerard whispered in his ear, “It- It wasn’t as bad as that, not really. I- It wasn’t- I wasn’t abused, not really. I just… Sammy liked getting his way.”   
Frank was shaking now, crying. God he _hurt_ , he hurt for Gerard.  
“Shit.” Gerard muttered, when he realised how stupid he sounded. Typical victim in denial. But, it was the only way he’d got through it.   
“Please, don’t tell Mikey, just… Don’t tell him.” He begged. It was the one thing he’d managed to spare his brother from. He hated that Mikey had had to witness so much of the fucked up mess that had been him and Sammy, if he could keep one thing back, he wanted it to be this. 

Eventually, they both went back to Mikey, who stood immediately, “Gee. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I-”   
Gerard shook his head. “It’s okay. But… Enough, alright? I don’t, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”   
Mikey nodded, then glanced at Frank, who was close by Gerard’s side. He was rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. And Mikey realised how much this had effected Frank too. He wasn’t sure how to apologise to him.   
But Frank saw him looking at him, he gave a small smile and nodded. It was okay.   
They sat back down, Gerard guiding the conversation back to easier, nicer things. His turn to start teasing Mikey, bringing up old stories and embarrassments.   
Gerard felt Frank’s hand slip into his, hold on tight. Gerard reciprocated the pressure.  
 _It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here._

“Okay.” Mikey said, hours later, with an authority that was quickly undermined with a yawn. “You two, get out of here, I want to sleep.”   
Frank and Gerard shared a quick, nervous glance at each other. “Um.” Gerard said. “Mikey. That’s kinda the thing, I’m not sure where you’re going to sleep, because Frank-”  
“Don’t even _try_ that one Gee.” Mikey told him, firmly, already motioning for the two of them to get off the couch. “If you think I’m going to fall for the ‘oh, but we haven’t shared a bed before, oh, well, if you insist’ line, you obviously underestimate how well I know you.”   
“But we-”  
“Gerard. For the last time. I am fine with the idea of you sharing a bed with your boyfriend. Do NOT try to tell me he isn’t your boyfriend, because I’m sick of that too. It is fine, he is fine. Sorry to be talking about you like you’re not here, Frank, but my brother is being kinda difficult right now.”   
“We really haven’t… Um. I mean…” Frank tried to explain to Mikey that Gerard wasn’t lying, they really didn’t sleep in the same bed, not usually. Although, yes, they had ended up in Gerard’s bed together two nights in a row now, it wasn’t as if they planned that.   
Then again, the thought of trying to get through a night, without Gerard with him to keep the nightmares away was a scary one for Frank.  
And, another thing…   
Boyfriend?  
Okay, that part Frank didn’t really want to challenge, even if it wasn’t true.   
Mikey sighed, looking between the two of them. “Look. Whatever. Are you two comfortable sharing a bed?” A quick, shy glance at each other, then a simultaneous nod. “Great.” Mikey said. “Just don’t keep me awake.”   
“Mikey!”   
“Goodnight Gee, night Frank.” Mikey called, already strolling to the bathroom. Somewhere within the conversation, Mikey had pulled out the bed and thrown his pillow and cover onto it.   
“Well.” Gerard said. “Looks like you’re with me tonight then.”

There was no denying it was awkward, this was the first time they’d got undressed in front of each other.   
They stood either side of the bed, Gerard was the first to turn his back, giving what little privacy he could to Frank.   
At first Frank couldn’t move, then he saw that Gerard was already beginning to undress. He’d undone his belt and was slipping out of his jeans. Suddenly Frank felt embarrassed, he hadn’t been watching on purpose. He also turned, undoing his own belt, feeling ridiculously self conscious as he pulled off his jeans.   
They changed their t-shirts, still keeping their backs to each other as much as possible. Then Gerard pulled back the covers, getting in before he could let himself think too much about this.   
Frank stayed standing at the side of the bed, uncertainly. “Frank.” Gerard said, so quietly. “If you… If you’re not okay with this, I can kick Mikey off the-”  
“I’m fine.” Frank said, quickly. Too quickly. Gerard frowned at him. “I mean…”   
Gerard sat up, fixing Frank with an open, but concerned look, “Frank. I know why you don’t want to share a bed with anyone but… You know you can trust me, right?” Frank nodded. And smiled, an honest smile, and easy one. Gerard was almost a little startled by it. Frank got into bed, next to Gerard, close, but not too close. They both shifted onto their side, facing one another.   
“Hey you.” Gerard said, smiling.   
“Gerard.” Frank said, a little uncertainly. “Can I, ask you something?” Gerard nodded, waited for Frank to continue. “Am I… Am I your boyfriend?” Frank felt his heart suddenly in his mouth, why had he asked that? He felt so stupid.  
Gerard just blinked, not showing any of the surprise he felt. Any of the hope. “That depends.”   
“On what?” Frank asked, feeling more nervous.   
“Do you want to be my boyfriend?”   
That just made Frank more confused, more anxious. “Are you- Are you really asking me or-”  
“I guess that depends too.” Gerard told him, with a small shrug.  
“On what?”  
“On your answer.” Gerard smiled again, beautifully. Surely he knew, how could he not know? “Then my answer is…” Frank reached out, boldly, taking Gerard’s hand, under the covers, entwining their fingers together. “Yes. I’d like that.” And, if possible, that smile got even more beautiful, and Gerard gently squeezed his hand. Frank smiled back, shifting closer, curling up against Gerard’s chest, his head tucked neatly under Gerard’s chin.  
“I feel so safe with you.” He said, barely a whisper. Gerard bent his head down, lightly kissing Frank’s forehead.   
“Good.”   
Frank looked up at him then. And shifted back up the bed, face to face again. Only this time they were a lot closer.   
Gerard had a feeling he knew what Frank wanted, but, honestly, he was as nervous as Frank about this.   
In the end it was Frank who made the move, he was the only one it could be, Gerard wouldn’t do anything he might see as ‘forcing’ himself on Frank.   
Only a small move forward, but Frank still hesitated, his eyes ever so slightly open. Nerves coursing through him, he felt his breathing become short, heart thumping   
_Can you hear it?_  
He felt Gerard’s fingers glance over the back of his hand, soothing, comforting. Gerard didn’t move or touch him in any other way. There was no pushing, no hurrying.   
Finally Frank closed the small gap between them, felt Gerard’s lips beneath his, pressed lightly together.   
He felt soft, warm.   
It lasted all of a couple of seconds, but to Frank, to both of them, it was perfect.   
Frank was also the one to break the kiss, backing away enough to see Gerard’s face, but no further, wanting to keep close. He watched, nervous again, as Gerard opened his eyes.  
Biting his lip, where his ring was, Frank waited for Gerard to say something. Having no idea what he expected Gerard to say. He realised he had no experience here. Whenever he’d been kissed before, it’d never been just a kiss.   
Gerard just smiled at him, pulled him closer again. “Relax, Frank.”   
And, just like that, he did. Pressing himself against Gerard, snuggling against him.  
Frank really never had felt safer.   
He fell asleep quickly, and no nightmares found him. 

It’d been a long time since Gerard had thought about Sammy. In truth, he tried not to think about him at all. Yes Gerard had always known he was kinda… Out there, but, in some weird way, for some weird reason, Gerard had trusted him.   
He’d thought he loved him.   
He didn’t know how it was that Frank had guessed some of the stuff that’d gone on with him and Sammy, things Gerard had never spoken about, not even to Mikey.   
Maybe when you experience these things yourself, you can kind of sense it in others.   
No. That was wrong, comparing what happened to him to what’d happened to Frank.   
Frank had been through hell, he’d been used like some form of payment, as a favour. _He had been ‘Jimmy’s’ whore._ Gerard cursed softly for even allowing that thought to enter his mind. Images of Frank screaming, crying, yelling those words. It hurt because Frank believed it.  
Gerard glanced down, Frank was curled up on his side, facing towards Gerard, pressed close to his chest. “You’re not.” Gerard whispered to him, stroking his hair, pulling him in a little tighter.   
No, what’d happened to Frank hadn’t been his fault, he’d fallen into the wrong crowd, and had been betrayed, horribly. Passed around and abused at every turn, the one person he’d had to go to was the one pulling all the strings in the first place.  
All that’d happened to Gerard, on the other hand, was that he’d had a lover who wasn’t very good with the word ‘no’. 

_Gerard had gone to bed a lot earlier than Sammy, again. His boyfriend had wanted to stay up and watch a movie on TV, but Gerard wasn’t interested, and he was too tired.  
“You’re working too fucking hard, Gee.” It came out harsher than Gerard liked, he wished there was at least some sort of sympathy in Sammy’s voice. “I’m fine.” Gerard said, stock response. “Just don’t need another late night right now.” Sammy had shrugged, then nodded. “Okay.” He said. “Kiss before you leave me?” Gerard laughed at the slightly pathetic look his boyfriend was giving him. He leaned in, kissing Sammy lightly. _

_Gerard didn’t mind going to bed alone, though a part of him did miss having someone else there as he fell asleep. Tonight he really was tired though, so it wasn’t as if he missed the company for long._

_He didn’t know how long he’d been sleeping, or what time it was, only that, even before he was fully awake, he could feel lips on his own and hands gliding over his skin.  
He pushed the hands away.  
“Sammy.” He grumbled, still sleep-hazy. “Stop that, c’mon.”   
“Good. You’re awake.” Sammy said, clearly having not heard what Gerard had said.   
Sammy kissed him again, more forceful now, and his hands once again wandered, this time moving down, a quick stroke between Gerard’s legs, letting him know exactly what Sammy was after, as if he didn’t already know.   
“Sammy… No. Not tonight. I told you, I’m tired.”   
Sammy growled slightly. “Tired.” He repeated. “Tired? You’re always fucking tired Gee. I’m starting to think you’re too tired to even be my fucking boyfriend.”   
Gerard sighed. So they were having this conversation now, were they? He sat up. “Of course that’s not it, Sammy.” Gerard told him. “I could never be too tired to be your boyfriend, but I am too tired to have sex with you right now, okay?” Sammy didn’t answer, and Gerard knew he had to do a little more to make this okay. “It’s just…” Gerard tried to think of the right words, no easy task at god knows what hour when you’ve only been awake a few minutes. Then he smiled, continued. “When we have sex I want to give you all of me, not just a half-hearted, half-asleep substitute.” Gerard was so sure that would do it, he started to lay back down, get comfortable again, when he suddenly felt Sammy grab his wrists, turning him onto his back again, pinning his arms above his head.   
Gerard looked up at Sammy, shocked, and a little scared. “That’s cute, Gee. But what the fuck do you have to do anyway?” Another kiss, hard, forceful, bruising. Gerard didn’t have any kind of chance to return it before Sammy forced him onto his front.   
This couldn’t really be happening, could it?   
His boxers yanked off, and then he heard the middle drawer by the bed being opened, rummaging. It wasn’t like he had to look to know what Sammy was getting.   
Two slicked fingers pushed inside him (Sammy never was patient enough to go one at a time) immediately setting to work twisting and stretching him out.   
By the time Sammy pushed his dick inside him, Gerard had zoned out completely. This couldn’t be right, this couldn’t be happening. He’d told his boyfriend no, he didn’t want to have sex tonight, so obviously there was no way his boyfriend was going ahead and fucking him anyway.   
Except… That was exactly what was happening.   
“See, Gerard, all you have to do is lie there.” Sammy told him, almost proudly. “I’m doing all the hard work back here. Thrusting, deep, inside your sweet, tight hole.” Sammy punctuated those words with extra hard pushes, making Gerard cry out, not that he was heard. “You should be fucking ashamed, Gee.” Sammy carried on, “Trying to deny your boyfriend this, trying to deny me what’s mine!” Again, final word and Sammy thrust in so quick and so hard Gerard almost felt sick.   
Then Sammy bent down, leaning over Gerard, placing his lips on Gerard’s shoulder.   
Gerard knew this was less affectionate than it appeared. A few seconds later and Gerard felt the familiar dull pain of Sammy biting down on him. Gerard could feel the two, elongated, fake, fangs digging in most. He knew he was lucky Sammy wasn’t looking to draw blood.  
Finally Sammy came, pulled out of Gerard and rolled onto his side, faced away from Gerard. It was the first time that Sammy hadn’t asked if he was okay, was he done? Had he come yet too?   
Gerard wasn’t even slightly turned on, let alone close to coming. Everything about what’d happened felt wrong. And scary. He didn’t really want to think about it but he had a feeling he’d just been_

Raped.   
Yes. He’d always known that’s what it’d been, and what it’d been the next time, and the time after that, and the time after that. Although it wasn’t always like that, sometimes Sammy had been sweet, caring, gentle. But looking back that was probably just a way of lulling Gerard into a false sense of security. 

Gerard shuddered as he remembered the other stuff too. The biting, the blood play. Sammy had loved all that. Gerard had thought it was kinda fun at first. It was bad, wrong, you weren’t supposed to play with blood, it had the dark thrill of danger to it. 

_They’d been in bed no more than five minutes and already Sammy had succeeded in undressing them both. Gerard didn’t mind, in fact he welcomed it. The last time (only two nights ago) Sammy had forced himself on Gerard was far, far from his mind now.  
He loved Sammy, after all, of course he wanted to be with him.   
On his back, Sammy above him, pinning him down with hands on his shoulders, Gerard whined happily as Sammy bent down, kissed his chest, then licked his nipple.   
Sammy grinned, did it again, gaining another little whine. Gerard reached his hands up, tangling his fingers up in Sammy’s hair, black as his own, trying to keep Sammy where he was.  
“That- That feels-” He was cut off by his own yelp of pain, and he hurriedly pushed Sammy away.  
Sammy had bit him, only briefly and lightly, but the fangs Sammy loved so much were too much for the sensitive skin.   
He looked up, with scared eyes, at Sammy.   
But Sammy was smiling, comfortingly, he pushed his hand back through Gerard’s hair, moving it off his face. “I’m sorry Gee. I got carried away. Didn’t mean to hurt you.”   
Gerard nodded, smiled back, then pulled Sammy down to kiss him.  
A few seconds later, and Sammy had moved back down again, kissing and licking Gerard’s nipple, apparently enjoying the sounds he got out of Gerard.   
Then he did it again, bit him, and again, Gerard yelped.   
“Sammy. Don’t. It- It hurts.”   
“Shh Gee. It’s okay, just a couple more times then you’ll get used to it.” He looked up, grinned at Gerard. “You might even start to enjoy it.”   
Gerard didn’t reply, uncertain of his answer. Sammy bit him again before he could think of an answer. Then again, harder. He heard a small noise of pleasure from Sammy. Then he was licking, rapidly at Gerard’s nipple, then up, face to face with Gerard again. “Drew blood that time Gee.” He said, happily, his voice sounding heavy, he was obviously turned on. Sammy kissed him, and Gerard thought maybe he tasted a little blood on his tongue. “Got me thinking, Gee.” Sammy said, reaching down, stroking Gerard’s inner thigh. Teasing, obviously wanting to get Gerard begging.   
It was going to work. “Uh huh.” Gerard moaned.   
“I’ve got some things I wanna try.”   
Gerard nodded, agreeing before he knew what he was agreeing to.   
Then he felt Sammy move, he’d reached for his jeans on the floor, getting something.   
Gerard saw the penknife and immediately retreated, backing away from Sammy.   
“No, no, Gee!” Sammy cooed. “I’m not- I mean. It’s supposed to be fun.” Gerard eyed the blade in Sammy’s hand. Scared, but also intrigued. “You’re not- If I tell you I don’t like it, you’ll stop, right?” Gerard asked.   
Sammy smiled at him. “Of course, Gee. You can trust me.”   
All too easily, Gerard agreed, eager to see how this would go. He laid now again, closed his eyes, knowing if he saw the knife coming, he’d freak out.   
The pain was white hot, but brief, a small cut to his stomach. He could feel the blood beginning to well, then Sammy’s mouth covered it, and he could feel the weird sensation of Sammy’s tongue lapping at it.   
Gerard giggled, feeling a little light headed, already. Then Sammy detached himself. “See, fun?” He said, proudly, before lowering his mouth again.   
Sammy repeated this a couple more times, by then he was hard and desperate to fuck and Gerard wasn’t going to refuse him.   
The cuts continued to bleed, and Sammy took pleasure in trailing the blood over Gerard’s body, occasionally sticking his bloodied fingers in his mouth._

At the time, it’d seemed a little scary, but fun. The next morning Gerard had been horrified when he remembered what he’d let his boyfriend do. He’d stared in the mirror at the cuts, the blood recently washed away in the shower. He was thankful the cuts were shallow, unlikely to scar. 

After that, the blood thing became another thing that happened when Sammy wanted, leaving no room for Gerard’s protests. 

_On his front, held down. He’d told Sammy no, but Sammy hadn’t listened. Again.  
Sammy was being rough, was he trying to hurt Gerard? Possible, Gerard could never tell if Sammy was angry or just too turned on to listen when he got like this.   
They’d got into bed. Gerard had kissed him, and Sammy had returned this by sticking his hand in Gerard’s boxers.  
Gerard had laughed. “Not tonight, okay?”   
It’d turned out not okay.   
Gerard had found himself on his stomach, his underwear yanked down.   
At least Sammy had used lube. Still hurt though. Gerard tried to tell him.   
“Sammy. Please. Not so- Not so fast! Fuck! Fuck it hurts.”  
Sammy ignored him.   
“Please, Sammy…” He was crying. He hated himself for it, but he was crying. Why wasn’t Sammy listening? Why did he get like this?   
Then it got worse. He felt the sting of a blade on his back, just a small nick, but the feel of the lapping tongue that followed was horrible.  
He knew Sammy wasn’t listening, but still Gerard told him, asked him, begged him to stop. To stop all of it.   
It didn’t stop until Sammy was ready for it to stop, though._

Gerard squeezed his eyes shut. Trying to forget, trying to push it all back.   
He hadn’t thought of Sammy for so long. Now it all came back, and he felt just like he had then, during those times at least.   
Scared. Alone.

Beside him, Frank shifted slightly in his sleep, snuggling even closer to Gerard, his hands grabbing at Gerard’s shirt. Gerard looked down at him, saw a small smile on his lips.  
Gerard smiled too.  
“How could I possibly think I’m alone?” Gerard wondered, quietly, aloud.   
Then he bent, kissed the top of Frank’s head.   
“I feel so safe with you too.” He whispered.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Saint Jimmy continues to grow more irritable over Frank's sudden disappearance, we also discover a little more about 'Sammy', through Mikey's sleep deprived memories.

Jimmy was in the red room, alone.   
Slumped in the large armchair, facing the bed, the curtain pulled back.  
Just staring at it.   
Remembering the long line of clients he’d seen satisfied by his boys. He’d always stayed, just for the first few minutes when either the boy was new or the client was, just to make sure everything was as it should be.   
There’d only been one time he’d stayed for the duration.  
The time he’d let Warren screw Frank.   
When he’d finally done what he’d known he was going to do, but had let himself believe he wouldn’t.   
Jimmy was certain that Frank had thought he’d stayed because he got off on it, which… Wasn’t entirely untrue, but there had been more to it.  
He’d wanted to make sure Frank wasn’t hurt, though he knew there’d be no avoiding that, really.  
And also, so he could remind himself that he’d done this. So he could call to mind, vividly, the point in time when he’d handed Frank over, let his world have him, as opposed to keeping him all to himself.   
Of course, he’d still kept Frank, everyone knew Frank was ‘his’. And he’d made sure Frank remembered that too.  
Every. Night.  
Now though… Frank had clearly forgotten. As had someone else. Someone had taken Frank from him. Stolen him.   
_When I find them, I’ll make them pay. You don’t fucking steal from me! I’ll show them. Send them a message loud and fucking clear._  
And as for Frank…  
 _If he doesn’t come running back, telling me he tried to get back, how he hadn’t forgotten who he belonged to, well… I’ll just have to see about reminding him._   
Saint Jimmy grinned.  
 _Make sure he can barely move without thinking about me._

“Thinking about Frank again?”   
Saint Jimmy snapped open his eyes, he hadn’t even realised he’d closed them. Looked up, saw Johnny walking in.  
Jimmy just glared at him.   
Johnny went over, sat on the edge of the bed, directly in Jimmy’s view.   
Jimmy pointedly turned his head.   
He wished he could be surprised by Jimmy’s behaviour. But he’d been like this since Frank went missing. One minute he’d be shouting, swearing, and tearing the place apart. The next he’d be sitting, sullen, refusing to talk to anyone.  
Not even Johnny.  
Especially not Johnny.   
And fuck. Yes. It hurt, it hurt Johnny that Jimmy was acting like this.   
_Would he act like this if I disappeared?_  
Before, Johnny would’ve been a lot more certain of his answer. Now, since Frank… He didn’t know.   
Johnny glanced behind him, at the bed he was perched on. It looked such a nice bed. Amazing to think the acts that had been committed in it.  
“How many times did you fuck him here?” Johnny asked, bluntly.   
Jimmy snapped his gaze up to Johnny again. His eyes were hard. “More times than I have you.” Jimmy replied, cruelly.   
Johnny closed his eyes, composing himself, telling himself that didn’t hurt. When really it stung, it stung badly.   
His eyes cast down, Johnny replied. “Always been your way, always have to sample the things you’re selling, huh?”   
Yes, there was malice in his voice.  
“Shut up Johnny.” Jimmy said, sounding weary.   
But Johnny wouldn’t shut up.   
“You enjoyed screwing him though. I’m surprised, amount of use he got, surely he was getting all used up, can’t have been as good after a while, huh? But then I bet he let you do all kinds of things, just like a proper little whore.”   
Without warning, Jimmy was out of the chair, pounced on Johnny, pining him down, hand around his throat.  
“I have told you a million fucking times now Johnny. Do not talk about Frank like that! What is it? Fucking jealous? That it? You want his place do you? You fucking got it.”   
Johnny didn’t reply, didn’t get a chance to, Jimmy moved off him, only long enough to drag him so he was more fully on the bed, then he started undoing his belt.  
“Jimmy!”   
Jimmy looked up suddenly, to the door.   
Saw Alice standing there, looking shocked, but furious.   
“Fuck off.” Jimmy muttered. “I’m busy.”   
Alice ignored him, marching into the room. “Get the fuck off him, now.” She demanded, then glancing down. “And put that away.”   
Reluctantly, and with a sullen look, Jimmy moved off Johnny, who hurriedly got off the bed. Alice stopped him before he got to the door, held him briefly. “You okay?” She asked, softly. Johnny nodded, but didn’t speak. Alice nodded back, let go of him, “Okay, go.”   
Jimmy hadn’t moved from the bed, still knelt, the only change was that he’d fixed his jeans, like Alice had told him.  
“Jimmy.” Alice said, more gently now. “This has got to stop.”  
Jimmy looked up, glared at her, then cast his eyes down again. “Jimmy! Fucking listen to me! Do you even realise what you were about to do? And who you were going to do it to? Don’t tell me you’re that fucking stupid Jimmy that you don’t realise how much you were hurting him.”  
“Wouldn’t have hurt.” Jimmy said. “Little bitch wouldn’t have fought me. Can’t be rape if they love you so blindly.”  
Alice stared at him, wide eyed. “My God. Would you _listen_ to yourself Jimmy?! You would’ve hurt him, you were hurting him, you _are_ hurting him, not just physically Jimmy!”  
“Not my fault.” Jimmy muttered.  
“It is your fault!” Alice snapped.   
Then Jimmy looked up, fire in his eyes. “No! It’s not! It’s not my fault, it’s not my fault Frank’s gone! That’s all I want, all I fucking want is Frank back and-”  
“Jimmy! Give it a rest!” Alice cut over him, frustrated with his fixation, though she’d known, all along that this would happen if, when Frank disappeared. “Frank is not here! We’ve looked and we’ve looked, no one can find him. Has it occurred to you maybe he doesn’t want to be found? Maybe he doesn’t want to come back!”  
Jimmy shook his head. “No, no. Someone has him, someone’s taken him-”  
“Jimmy! Leave him alone!” Alice felt desperate. She’d been terrified when she first heard Frank was missing, scared he was somewhere even worse.  
But when all those places had been checked, and Frank nowhere to be seen, she was relieved, he was obviously somewhere safe.   
She didn’t want Jimmy finding him again.   
“No!” Jimmy snapped.   
Alice shook her head. “Why? Why do you want him back so desperately Jimmy? You’ve lost a lot of boys, even more recently since you keep sending them after Frank. You’ve sent plenty more away. Why him? Why is he so important Jimmy? Why can’t you just let him go? Why do you care?”   
Then Jimmy’s eyes narrowed, suspiciously. “I could ask you the same question, Why are you so desperate to stop me finding him? You know where he is, don’t you? What is it? Gone all mothering on him have you? Protecting him from big bad Jimmy?”  
Alice just shook her head, sadly. He wasn’t listening, he was so far past listening.  
“Or, no!” Jimmy continued, getting up off the bed finally now, coming towards Alice. “I’ve got it. This isn’t a ‘mother’ thing. This is something else. You fucked didn’t you? Oh it all becomes so fucking clear now! Manage to figure out where to put it did he?”  
Alice slapped him, hard.  
Jimmy reeled, hand going to his stinging cheek.  
“You nasty, sick, pathetic excuse for a man Jimmy. You think that’s all anything is about, don’t you? It’s all about sex with you, isn’t it? Sex or your precious fucking drugs. Not everyone’s like you Jimmy, I know that’s hard to imagine but-”  
“You really think Frank’s all that fucking different, do you? What do you think we spent all our time doing, huh? Fucking and getting high. And I’ll tell you, he loved every second of it. You think I’m pathetic? Then I don’t know what you must think of him.”  
Alice shook her head. “He’s so much more than you are Jimmy. So much. And that’s why I want you to leave him alone, so you don’t ruin him completely.”   
At that Jimmy just grinned. “Too late. Figure by the time you get someone on their knees, begging for your cock so they can get their drugs… They’re pretty much yours.”  
Alice closed her eyes, trying not to think about Frank like that. But, of course, because she knew it was true, knew it would’ve happened, it came all too vividly.   
“Why do you want him back so badly?” Alice asked, again, quieter, sadder.   
“Because his mouth is sweet, his ass is tight and his hands know what they’re fucking doing.” Jimmy said, coldly.   
Alice shook her head, she knew that wasn’t all. But she also knew she wasn’t getting any other answer from him.   
She turned to go then, paused at the door. “If you won’t let Frank stay gone, at least stop hurting Johnny. He loves you Jimmy, and you’re tearing him apart.”   
Jimmy didn’t reply, slumped back down in the chair, staring at the bed.   
As soon as he heard the door close, he closed his eyes, thought about Frank again. 

###

Mikey couldn’t sleep.   
He was so damn tired, but he couldn’t sleep. He’d tried turning the TV on (quietly so as not to wake Gerard and Frank) but his eyes were hurting too much to focus, the sounds from the screen doing nothing to soothe him.   
He closed his eyes again, tried to clear his mind, let himself drift off.   
But then that hateful face flashed in his mind again.   
And a thousand little snippets of memories played over and over.   
_Sammy standing in the bedroom doorway, calling to Gerard, getting pissed when Gerard didn’t respond quickly enough.  
Sammy’s arm curling around Gerard’s waist, a little too tight to just be affectionate.   
Hearing Sammy and Gerard, in the kitchen, Sammy trying to convince Gerard to do something.  
Have something.  
“Sammy, I told you. No. Not- Not with Mikey here, I don’t want-”  
“Aww, c’mon Gee. You’ve been so fucking uptight all night… This’ll help.”_  
A rare morning when Sammy wasn’t there, Mikey walking in on Gerard as he was getting dressed.  
Seeing the bruises on his shoulder, a glimpse of cuts on his chest.   
_“Fuck, Gee! What the hell happened?”  
Gerard hurriedly pulled his shirt down. “Mikey! I- I didn’t hear you- I-”  
Mikey was up close to him now, pushing the shirt back up, trying to see, Gerard pushed his hands away.  
“Stop it, Mikey, it- it’s not a big deal.”  
“Gerard. Is he hurting you?”  
Then Gerard had forced a smile on his lips, “It’s just playing, Mikey, like I said, no big deal.” _  
‘Just playing’. It was what Gerard had always said, they were just playing. 

All these little snippets, and so many more, were bad enough. But, more than anything, Mikey’s head kept replaying _that_ night.

 

_As Mikey flicked through the channels he tried to find something mindless to get lost in. Something so he could forget how annoyed he was._  
It’d happened again.   
He’d come over to stay at Gerard’s. Sure all he got here was the bed that pulled out from the living room couch to sleep on, but he liked it here, sometimes he even thought maybe he liked it more than he did his own apartment. It wasn’t like Gerard’s place was a lot nicer or fancier (it certainly wasn’t tidier) but, he had to admit it, he just liked being around Gerard. They’d always been close, and when Gerard moved out Mikey had been fast behind him, he’d lived in Gerard’s apartment for the first six months before he finally found a place for himself. When he moved out of there he’d enjoyed the sense of a little extra freedom, but it’d always felt strange. Knowing that his brother wasn’t living in the same space as him. After three months of only seeing Gerard occasionally when they arranged to meet up in the evenings, Mikey had finally admitted that he was finding it difficult, and he didn’t care if he sounded like a baby, he missed his big brother being around all the time.   
Gerard had nodded, silently, thinking over what Mikey had said. “I miss you too.” He finally replied, then laughed. “Meeting up maybe twice a week doesn’t really cut it, does it?” Mikey shook his head, smiling, pleased Gerard thought the same, but there was a part of him that had always been certain he would.   
From then Mikey started to come around more often, and he’d stay over some weekends. He offered to have Gerard stay at his, but he knew his apartment was slightly smaller, and Gerard liked the feeling of looking after his little brother again.   
It’d all been going great. Until… Sammy happened. 

_Now. So there can be no mistake, Mikey had absolutely no problem with his brothers sexuality. He’d known even before Gerard had told him. The memory of that conversation was one always fresh in Mikey’s mind. Mikey had been downstairs in Gerard’s room, sprawled out on his bed, head hanging off the end of the bed while he read. Gerard had been pacing his room, picking up random things and putting them back down again and generally being very distracting. Mikey had known there was something on Gerard’s mind, but knew better than to ask him what, Gerard would come out with it when he was ready. Apparently that was when he sat down on the bed, next to Mikey, who was still hanging upside down._  
“Mikey.”  
“Uh huh?” He hadn’t put the book down, causing Gerard to poke him. “Could you sit up Mikey? I… Need to tell you something.” Mikey did as he was asked, sitting up, cross legged on the bed now. “What is it Gee?” Now that he’d finally got his brothers full attention, Gerard looked nervous. “I. Um… Mikey, I hope you’re gonna be okay with this, and understand. You’re my brother and my best friend and-”  
“Gerard. You’re kinda rambling.” Mikey interrupted. Gerard nodded, pausing again, then looking up at Mikey, meeting his eyes as he finally said it. “I’m gay.”   
“Oh.” Mikey said, sounding surprised, but not for the reason Gerard was expecting. “I know.” He continued, with a shrug. Gerard blinked. “You… Know?” Mikey grinned at him. “I’m your brother Gee, of course I know.” He said, laying back down again and settling back to his book, while Gerard continued to stare at him. “And you’re… Okay with that?” Gerard pressed. Mikey rolled his eyes. “Doesn’t change anything Gee, so yes, I’m okay with it.” Gerard smiled then, and nodded, happily. “Okay then, good.” A few moments of silence and then, “Mikey. Could you tell mom and dad for me?”   
“Nope.”   
“Damn.” 

_That had been when Gerard was eighteen, and Mikey had known for at least a year before he finally came out and said it. Mikey had never once had any issues with any of Gerard’s past boyfriends._  
It was just Sammy he couldn’t stand.   
He wasn’t sure if Gerard had noticed, but Mikey had started coming over more often, and that was because he was worried about Gerard, scared that Sammy would do… Something.   
It wasn’t just the marks on Gerard’s shoulders, which he thought Mikey didn’t know about, but Mikey had seen them, crescent shaped bruises, two of them always more prominent than the rest. And every time Mikey saw them there were fresh ones. Mikey knew exactly what was going on there, it wasn’t like you could miss Sammy’s ‘fangs’, he knew Sammy was biting Gerard, and he knew Gerard was letting him do it.   
But Mikey also knew Sammy had done something else to Gerard, he could tell, just like he could tell Gerard was keeping it from him, which only made Mikey more worried. They never kept secrets from each other, it scared Mikey that there was something Gerard wouldn’t tell him.   
So, here he was again. Him and Gerard had been having fun, talking, laughing, simple stuff. Then Sammy had reappeared from Gerard’s bedroom (where he spent most of his time sleeping and sulking whenever Mikey was there) and sat the other side of Gerard. He’d started the game of winning Gerard’s attention immediately.   
“Don’t say hi then.” Sammy said, petulantly. Gerard rolled his eyes and turned his head to look at his boyfriend, sweet smile on his face. “Sorry Sammy, hi. Me and Mikey were just a little caught up in our-”  
“You didn’t come to check I was even in. You just let you and your brother in and sat right down, it’s been hours since you got back.”   
Gerard dropped the smile then. “Yes I did Sammy. While Mikey put his stuff down I opened the bedroom door to check on you, you where sleeping, I didn’t want to wake you. You can ask Mikey.” He replied, patiently. Sammy snorted, shooting Mikey a glare. “Yeah right, like he wouldn’t lie for you.”   
Mikey had felt his hands clench, he didn’t give a damn about the way Sammy was glaring at him, but he hated the way he was talking to Gerard.   
Gerard could feel the tension and anger coming from his brother, and he saw Mikey’s hands in tight fists. Gerard laid a gentle hand over one of his brothers, “Don’t.” He said, softly. Mikey forced himself to calm down, if only for Gerard’s sake. “You don’t have to believe me, Sammy.” Gerard said, with a sigh. “But it’s the truth, I did go in to check on you.” To that Sammy shrugged, apparently he was now bored of this subject, as it didn’t seem to be getting him anywhere. “Alright Gee.” He said, suddenly springing back up from the couch, heading towards the kitchen. “I’m thirsty, what’ve we got?”   
“Same as always, Sammy.” Gerard called after him. Gerard turned to Mikey, smiled and rolled his eyes. Mikey couldn’t quite smile back.   
Sammy called from the kitchen again, “GEE!! There’s no fucking red!” Gerard closed his eyes, sighing heavily. “Not wine again Sammy…” He muttered, so quiet even Mikey had to strain to hear him. Then Gerard called back to Sammy, “That’s because you finished it off last night, remember?”   
“It’s fine!” Sammy replied, coming back in the room, proudly holding up a bottle he’d clearly managed to find somewhere. “It’s a little warm, but it’ll do.” Sammy continued, beaming. Gerard tried to hide his disappointment. “Sammy… Don’t you think you… Over do it a little?” Sammy just grinned at him as he sat back down, taking a quick swig straight from the bottle. “Nope.” He replied. “I think you under-do it.” Then Sammy thrust the bottle in front of Gerard, waggling it a little. “C’mon, Gee. No fun drinking alone.” Gerard laughed lightly, taking the bottle out of Sammy’s hand. “Alright, but I’m getting glasses, we’re not savages.” He said, with a small mock chastising tone. “I am.” Sammy replied, darting forward to nip Gerard on the neck. Gerard pushed him off, laughing again. “Stop that!” The chastising tone coming through again. Sammy just looked at him, sporting a wicked grin.   
Gerard got up off the couch and turned to Mikey, “Joining us, Mikey?” He asked. Mikey shook his head, staring back at Gerard very seriously.   
“Your brother’s got a right stick up his ass, you know that Gee?”   
“Don’t talk about Mikey like that. I won’t have it.” Gerard told him, no hint of humour this time. And Sammy promptly shut up.   
Gerard had come back in with three glasses anyway. “In case you change your mind.” He’d said to Mikey, with a small smile.   
Mikey didn’t change his mind, and he didn’t believe Gerard thought he would. He watched as Sammy poured steadily fuller glasses, feeling like he just wanted to grab Gerard and get out of here, get away from Sammy. But he didn’t. He sat and watched as the couple got steadily more drunk. Feeling guilty that he wasn’t doing anything to stop it.   
Gerard had again been trying to talk to Mikey, albeit with the distraction of Sammy’s mouth on his neck occasionally, little scrapes of teeth making Gerard shiver slightly. “Like that?” Sammy asked as Gerard reacted in that way again. Gerard closed his eyes as Sammy repeated the action. “Sammy.” He groaned quietly. “Don’t. Not in front of Mikey.”   
“Why not?” Sammy asked, dipping his head to Gerard’s neck again, “You don’t mind your brother having a little fun, do you, Mikey?” Sammy asked, smiling nastily at Mikey, fangs showing a little. He didn’t get a reply, only a scowl.   
Sammy’s hand was on Gerard’s thigh, moving steadily up and down, and his other hand went to Gerard’s face, turning him towards him, kissing him, deeply and lustily. Gerard pulled Sammy closer, grabbing onto his hair and tangling his fingers up in it.  
Mikey didn’t blame Gerard for his behaviour, he’d seen this before, Gerard’s mind clouded by lust and alcohol. This was when Mikey was most scared for his brother. Sammy could do anything and Gerard wouldn’t even remember the word ‘no’ existed.   
Soon after that Gerard came up with some excuse and had let Sammy pull him to the bedroom.   
As soon as the door closed Mikey put the TV on, turned the volume up. He didn’t want to hear what was going on.   
It took all of ten minutes for Mikey to flick through every channel five times and conclude there was nothing on that he’d even slightly consider watching, and that didn’t help his mood at all. Flicking the TV off and throwing the remote to the floor a little harder than necessary, Mikey figured he might as well pass the time productively. He picked up the glasses from the floor, his own one untouched and still stood up, Sammy’s one on it’s side where he’d kicked it over, though the glass was empty, and Gerard’s which still had a little inside it, also on it’s side. Mikey picked that one up carefully, thinking it lucky none had spilt and stained the floor. He also grabbed the empty bottle, trying not to think about the amount of alcohol his brother had consumed in a short space of time.   
Mikey took them all back out to the kitchen, putting his unused glass back in the cupboard, and putting the other two carefully into the sink. The bottle he left on the side, ready to be gathered up and thrown out later.   
He went back to the living room to set up his bed, and it was only then that it occurred to him.   
It was quiet in the apartment. Very quiet.   
It wasn’t like he liked hearing the sounds that usually drifted from the bedroom, in fact he usually did all he could to avoid them, but it was odd for there to be nothing. Especially as the couple had made very clear that they weren’t going to ‘sleep’.   
Mikey felt the worry inside him creep up a notch. He didn’t know why the silence unnerved him so much, only that it did.   
Don’t be crazy. He told himself. Maybe they really did just fall asleep, they were both pretty wasted, easy enough to do.  
It did nothing to ease his worries. He found himself heading towards the bedroom door, unsure of what he was going to do when he got there. Listen more closely? What if he still didn’t hear anything? What then? Mikey didn’t know, he only knew he had an awful feeling about this and he had to check on his brother.   
He got to the door, listened closely, at first thought there was nothing, but then he heard it, very softly.   
Sammy was talking, Mikey couldn’t make out the words, he didn’t care, because the problem was, he couldn’t hear Gerard replying.   
Mikey wasn’t even thinking when he opened the door, and he was so shocked by what he saw when he did, it took his mind a few extra seconds to process.   
The small light was on in the room, illuminating just enough to see. Sammy was sat in the centre of the bed, with Gerard laying half across his lap.  
It was immediately obvious that Gerard was not conscious.   
The image got worse however, as Sammy had a knife tightly clutched in one hand, the one he had wrapped around Gerard, pressing him close. The other hand was holding Gerard’s hand, holding it up, close to Sammy’s mouth. Mikey could see a trail of red snaking down Gerard’s arm.  
Sammy was staring straight at the door, straight at Mikey, more hate in his eyes than Mikey had ever seen before.   
But that was fine, because Mikey was pretty sure he’d never hated anyone as much as he hated Sammy right now.   
“You couldn’t just leave it alone, could you Michael?” Sammy snarled, showing teeth and fangs.   
Again, Mikey wasn’t thinking, this was pure instinct now, he was across the room and launching at Sammy in seconds.   
But Sammy was a coward when it came to fights, as soon as he saw he was in danger from the younger Way, he let Gerard go and bolted for the door. Mikey ran after him, making sure he left the apartment, slamming the door and locking it behind him. Mikey was half tempted to drag something in front of the door, just to ensure there was no way Sammy was getting back in.   
But he had more important things to worry about than a vampire psycho with less fight in him than a fly.   
Gerard was still out of it, laid on his back exactly how Sammy had left him, his wounded arm flung out to the side, the blood seeping out onto the sheets, creating a small pool already. Mikey got up on the bed, grabbing the covers and bundling them over the gash, hoping to slow the blood. He was shaking, badly, terrified. This was exactly the sort of thing he’d always been worried about.   
“Gerard.” Mikey said, his voice shaking as hard as his body. “Gee. Please.” Taking one hand off the bundle of sheets, shaking his brother, trying to get him to wake up. “For fucks sake Gee, COME ON!”   
Then, slowly, very slowly, Gerard’s eyelids fluttered open. “Mikey?”   
“Oh holy shit.” Mikey gasped, suddenly aware of wetness on his cheeks. When had he started crying? “Gerard. Sammy- He-”   
Gerard turned his head, saw the sheets, the red that was seeping through. He groaned, let his head fall back again. “He said I’d taste sweet, like wine.” Mikey broke down completely then, falling onto his brothers chest, crying hard now. “I told you, Gerard, I TOLD you!” He screamed. Gerard was shaking too now, and with his unwounded arm he drew his brother close. “I know. I know. I’m sorry.”   
When Mikey collected himself, he showed Gerard where to put the pressure, then finally let go himself. “I don’t care if it hurts Gee.” He told him, sternly. “You hold down just as hard as I was, got it?” Gerard nodded, then Mikey helped him up, so he was sat up at the top of the bed, the wall behind him supporting him. “Alright, I’ll be right back.”   
Mikey grabbed some towels, thicker and better than bed sheets, then while he handed a couple over to Gerard he got everything together for them to leave for the hospital, though Gerard protested. “No. Mikey. They’ll think-”  
“I don’t give a fuck what they think Gee, you need help and they will give it to you.” After much protests, Mikey got him out the door.   
He had to hold his brother the whole way there, occasionally stumbling, but Mikey never once let him fall.  
It was only later that night, or early the next morning, after Gerard had been stitched up and allowed on his way without too many awkward questions, while Gerard was asleep in a bed which Mikey had stripped the sheets from, replacing them with fresh ones, that Mikey fully let himself think about what’d happened. He shoved the slightly stained items of bed linen in the washing machine, hoping they might be salvaged, while the bed cover he’d already stuffed in a bag to be thrown out.   
He caught sight of his hands, they were stained red. Suddenly his hands started shaking again, then his whole body, the full magnitude of what’d happened that night suddenly hitting him.  
Then Mikey caught sight of the glasses in the sink, the dark red still in Gerard’s glass suddenly looking a lot more horrific.   
Mikey ran to the bathroom, reaching it just before he threw up.   
As soon as he felt his legs would support him, Mikey got to his feet, cleaned himself up, and scrubbed at his hands, not letting himself think about the pink colour of the water.  
Then he went to Gerard’s room, standing by the door, looking in on his brother. He was laying on his front, black hair covering most of his face, freshly bandaged arm held up beside his head. Mikey walked further in, sat on the edge of the bed, still, just watching.   
It was okay, he was still here.   
“Gee?”  
“Hmm?” Gerard opened one eye, smiling as he saw Mikey. “Is it… Can I sleep in here tonight?” Gerard nodded, pulling back the covers. Mikey slipped in beside him, curling up close.   
It felt like when they were kids again.  
Mikey found himself crying again, silently this time, or at least he’d thought so, until Gerard put his arm around him, pulling him even closer. 

Mikey sat up, looking over the top of the back of his bed, straight to the bedroom door. He found himself smiling when he thought of who was in there with his brother tonight.  
He’d only known Frank less than a day, but he’d liked him immediately. He was a bit shy and easily rattled, but Mikey knew that was down to whatever it was he’d been through. From the way Frank smiled, when he did smile, Mikey could tell he hadn’t always been this bundle of nerves.   
And, even if Gerard couldn’t see it (yeah right), Mikey could see the adoration Frank had for Gerard, plainly. That smile you so rarely saw was most present when looking at Gerard, and he’d seemed to relax substantially once Gerard had sat next to him. Then there was the way Frank seemed determined to have some form of contact with Gerard at all times. Not in a sexual or possessive way, but it was very obviously for comfort, reassurance. At one point Mikey had seen Frank holding Gerard’s hand tight in both of his. It’d seemed such an innocent gesture, like Frank was scared Gerard would disappear if he let him go.   
Or maybe it was the fear that he himself would disappear if he let go.   
Mikey knew Frank was… A little troubled, but he loved Gerard, that much was obvious. And it was clear the very last thing Frank would ever do was hurt him.   
Mikey felt his smile grow slightly more as he laid back down. Yes, his brother was safe, and, if he would just let it happen, he was finally going to have a relationship with someone who cared about him, really cared.   
It was what Mikey had always wanted for him. 

###

Gerard woke up first, immediately glad to sense Frank was there, still pressed close, but calm, peaceful.  
They’d made it through the night without it being punctuated by nightmares.  
Gerard was glad, and he knew why Frank had slept so well.  
It was the same reason why, even though he’d been unable to stop thinking about Sammy while awake, he’d remained firmly out of Gerard’s sleeping world.  
They made each other safe.  
Then Gerard remembered the conversation they’d had, just after getting into bed.   
It was as official as it was going to get, they were ‘together’ now, a couple.   
Then he remembered the kiss.  
Their first.  
He’d known Frank was nervous, but he wasn’t going to let it happen any other way.   
Looking at him now, Gerard bent his head down slightly, going to kiss Frank.  
But a thought occurred, making him stop, his lips so nearly touching Frank’s.  
And, again he thought about how much it’d taken for Frank to kiss him, to dare to be that intimate.  
And Gerard found he couldn’t bring himself to steal a kiss.

He wasn’t sure how much time passed before Frank finally opened his eyes.  
A brief moment of panic and confusion flickered across Frank’s face, something Gerard had seen before, though he’d partly hoped it had only been drug induced paranoia. Apparently this was something that was here to stay, a permanent after effect of waking up in too many strange places.   
Not that it would stop Gerard from trying to somehow get him past it, somehow erase that fear.   
It was gone quick though, and then Frank smiled, his eyes focusing on Gerard. He somehow managed to snuggle in closer.   
“Morning.” Frank said, quietly.  
“Good morning.”   
Frank nodded, in agreement with the statement.   
It was good. 

They slowly dragged themselves out of bed, went out into the apartment.  
Mikey was awake already, dressed, and heading into the kitchen.   
He stopped as he caught sight of the two of them, and smiled. 

As soon as they saw Mikey, Frank took a step back, tried to disappear back into Gerard’s room.  
Being seen coming out of a bedroom, especially with someone else, was not something that made Frank at all comfortable.   
Knowing looks and taunting grins. Eyes wandering over him, up and down, looking for signs of use.   
Abuse.  
 _Lips licked longingly as Frank tried to keep his eyes cast down, tried to pretend he didn’t notice their leering. Tried not to run his tongue on his ever fucking sore lips.  
Tried to kid himself that they didn’t know, they didn’t know where he’d been, what he’d done.  
“Of course they know, Frankie.” Jimmy cooed one night, when Frank had brought his fears up.   
Jimmy, of course, only confirmed them. Stroking his hair, lovingly, as he did._  
Gerard squeezed Frank’s hand gently, making him stop, bringing him back to the present.  
The moment it took him to do so, Frank calmed.   
He was safe here, Mikey wasn’t judging him. And, just as importantly, he’d done nothing to be ‘judged’ for. He was as safe in this apartment as he’d always been.   
Frank squeezed Gerard’s hand too, letting him know he was okay, he wasn’t about to run. 

They went over to the couch, Gerard letting his hand slip from Frank’s as he went to follow Mikey into the kitchen.   
Frank let his hand slip, easily and without hesitation. But still Gerard looked behind him, checking that Frank was okay, before finally leaving him. 

In the kitchen, Mikey smiled, knowingly at his brother. “So… You seem happier than you did last night.”   
Gerard shot him a suspicious look, wondering what he was implying. Mikey rolled his eyes. “I just mean, you and Frank seem…”   
He caught Gerard’s small smile before he could figure out how to end that sentence. “Let me guess.” Mikey continued. “I’m allowed to use the word ‘boyfriend’ now?”   
Gerard ducked his head slightly, smiling more.   
“Well that’s great Gee!” Mikey enthused.   
Gerard nodded. “Yeah. Yeah it is. He… Frank brought it up. He asked… If he was my boyfriend and… It kinda went from there.” He looked up then, grinning at his brother, who he saw beaming, proudly back at him.   
Before he knew it, Mikey had pulled him into a hug. “It’s about time.” Mikey said.  
Gerard didn’t understand, Mikey had only met Frank yesterday, and Gerard had only known Frank himself since-  
Then Gerard realised Mikey didn’t just mean Frank.  
 _About time you found someone who won’t hurt you._

Frank knew the kiss him and Gerard had shared had been brief, small, and pretty inconsequential. But for him… It was huge.   
He’d managed to be even a little intimate with someone, with Gerard, no less, and… He was okay. He hadn’t freaked out, panicked, or any other terrible thing he’d half expected to happen.   
He was alright.  
And more than that.   
He really, really wanted to kiss Gerard again. 

It was difficult though, with Mikey around. But, thankfully, with Mikey there Frank hardly had time to dwell. He found he got on with the younger brother almost as well as he did the elder.  
Except, of course, Frank didn’t have a crush on Mikey.

It wasn’t until that night then, after getting into bed together, glad to be rid of the awkward hesitation before doing so.   
They curled up close together, found themselves face to face, and close.  
Gerard smiled at him, but made no further move forward.   
Frank realised it was up to him, once again.   
Fuck. Even though he’d done it the night before, the idea of touching those lips, again, was… Exciting. But nerve-wrecking too.   
Finally, Frank pushed himself to do it. Closing the small distance between them to press his lips lightly against Gerard’s.   
He broke the kiss quickly, gasping slightly as he did. Gerard opened his eyes, smiling at Frank, waiting for his eyes to open.   
“You okay?” Gerard asked. Frank nodded, staring at Gerard, his eyes wandering to his lips again. Gerard was, finally, the one to make the move that time. His kiss a little more intense, causing Frank to respond with the same.   
Slowly, and without realising he was doing it, Gerard shifted over. Subtly moving his body so he was ever so slightly on top of Frank.  
But, it turned out ‘ever so slightly’ was far too much for Frank.   
He stopped kissing him, pushing gently at Gerard, pushing him away.   
“What did I do?” Asked Gerard, concerned, as he pushed himself up.  
Frank shook his head. “Nothing, nothing I-”  
“Frank. Telling me it’s nothing isn’t going to help.” Then Frank sighed, realising he wasn’t getting out of this. “You were…” He mumbled. When he started again, he was a little clearer. “You were kinda… On top of me and I- I guess I panicked, or, something…” Gerard smiled, sadly at him. Reached out a hand, lightly touched Frank’s face. “I was only kissing you.” Gerard said, gently. Frank nodded. “I know. I-”  
“I’m sorry, we’ll stop.” Gerard said, laying back down beside him.   
Frank turned over, onto his side again. “I don’t- I don’t want to stop.” He said, making Gerard frown slightly, confused as to what Frank wanted. “Just-” Frank paused, dropped his gaze. “Just, please don’t get on top of me, I- I guess I can’t-”  
“It’s too much, isn’t it?” Gerard asked. And Frank nodded, still not looking at him.   
“Okay.” Gerard said, shifting, carefully, closer again. He placed a light, careful kiss on Frank’s lips, which he found was returned, just as carefully.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter of further revelations of Frank's past, and another glimpse at the effect his disappearance has had on Jimmy and those around him.

Mikey left the next evening.  
And Frank was sad to see him go. Even though he’d felt slightly self conscious around the younger Way brother, he’d felt more comfortable with him than he had with anyone in a long time.  
Except Gerard, of course. But Gerard was a very, very special case for Frank. With Mikey it was different.  
Mikey was his friend.  
Frank didn’t have many of those, not since coming to the city.  
His thoughts turned, briefly, to Alice.  
She was the one person Frank missed. He hoped she was okay. 

Frank watched as the brothers said goodbye, both fussing over each other equally.  
“You sure you have the money to get home?”  
“Yes, I’m sure. And remember to call mom and dad, alright? They won’t tell you they’re worried, but they tell me.”  
“I’ll call them, so long as you remember to call me when you get home.”  
“I always do.”  
A brief silence, then Mikey said, “And don’t disappear on me again, okay?”  
“I never-” Gerard began to protest, but decided against it.  
“I won’t.” He promised, instead.  
Then Mikey switched his gaze to Frank, who was sitting on the armrest of the couch. “It was good meeting you, Frank, see you next time.”  
Frank nodded, “Good, um, it was good meeting you too.”  
Mikey smiled, then looked back to Gerard. “See you again _soon_ , right?”  
“Yes, Mikey, I promise.”  
A tight hug, then Mikey left.

Gerard came over to Frank, looped his arms around him, then bent slowly, kissed him gently.  
“You okay?” Gerard asked. Frank nodded. “I like him being here.”  
“Good.” Gerard told him. “Mikey comes here a lot, but I… I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable.”  
Frank shook his head. “I didn’t.” He assured. “I.. Thought I would, but… He didn’t make me feel-”  
So many words rushed through Frank’s head then.  
 _Ashamed. Dirty. Wrong. Embarrassed. Uneasy. Watched._  
Eventually he settled on, simply, “Bad. I felt… Okay.”  
Gerard kissed him, on the cheek that time. “Good.” 

They went to bed early, Gerard had to get up for work the next day, and they’d had a couple of late nights in a row.  
Frank didn’t mind, he found he looked forward to getting into bed with Gerard.  
He liked being able to be close, to be comforted. Glad there was someone who wanted to be there like that, glad he was able to let them.  
They still got undressed and changed for bed with their backs to each other, and Frank knew that wouldn’t change, not until he wanted to.  
He wasn’t sure if he wanted it to change. Part of him felt like it would be alright, even if Gerard saw him undressing, Frank knew he wasn’t going to try anything, do anything Frank didn’t want.  
But… There were things he didn’t want Gerard to see. 

They laid down, Frank immediately curling up close to Gerard, who held him, bringing the covers up over them both.  
Frank looked up, and Gerard reached his hand out, pushing back into Frank’s hair before kissing him, softly.  
The second time Gerard kissed him, Frank kissed back, his own hand reaching into Gerard’s hair, keeping him there.  
Then he felt a soft brush of tongue against his lips, and Frank pushed away.  
Slowly Gerard opened his eyes, saw the small frown on Frank’s face. He rubbed his thumb gently over Frank’s cheek. “It’s okay. I thought… I thought you might be alright with it, but if you’re-”  
Frank drew closer, kissed Gerard again, trying to gain the confidence to go further.  
Gerard read the situation perfectly, carefully glancing his tongue over Frank’s lips again, waiting for the lips to part, which they did, just slightly, just enough.  
He felt a jolt of excitement when Frank’s tongue, tentatively, joined his.  
Gerard reminded himself not to push on further, not to get carried away, he couldn’t do that with Frank. Anyone else, and this might be a sign to say they could go further, but with Frank, it was a sign saying he was okay with _this._  
They parted, eyes open wide almost as soon as they could.  
Both smiled. And Gerard caught up Frank’s hands in his, squeezed gently.  
Frank eventually, quietly spoke, “I have no idea how I ended up in such a good place.”  
Gerard just smiled, said nothing, not sure what to say.  
“I mean I- I thought I was always going to be…” Frank trailed off, memories crashing down on him. Gerard saw the look on his face, and drew him close. “Stop that.” Gerard told him. “You don’t need to think about that. Never again.” Though he knew that wasn’t true, he knew it would be hard for Frank to escape it.  
“While I’m here… You’re safe.”  
Frank nodded. He knew that, it was what he’d meant, saying that he was in a good place.  
Frank looked up again, pushing away slightly, he brought up Gerard’s hand, so he could see the scar on his wrist.  
The scar scared Frank, he didn’t like the idea of Gerard hurt and bleeding enough that it could leave a scar, but, at the same time, it comforted Frank. He felt painfully selfish for it, but it proved Gerard had survived something nasty, proved he was strong.  
Frank ran his finger over the scar, and Gerard shivered, closed his eyes.  
“When I first saw this…” Frank said, quietly, running his finger over it again. “I thought… I thought-”  
Gerard grabbed Frank’s hand, stopped him from tracing the scar again. Frank looked up, met his eyes as Gerard completed the sentence for him. “You thought I’d done it myself.”  
It wasn’t a question, but Frank nodded, slowly.  
“What if I had?” Gerard asked.  
Frank frowned, he’d tried not to think about that, when he’d still thought it was self inflicted, he hadn’t wanted to dwell on what he’d thought about that.  
“I…” Frank began. “I think I would’ve been sad… For you. That you’d ever want to-”  
He stopped, looked up again, full intensity in his eyes. “You’re perfect, you know that?”  
Gerard laughed, softly. “I’m hardly that.” Then he indicated the scar, “What about this then? Doesn’t it make me less perfect?”  
Frank shook his head. “It shows… It shows what you’ve survived. It’s not like my scars.” Then Frank winced, realising what he’d just said.  
 _You weren’t supposed to know._  
He saw Gerard looking at him, concerned.  
Of course, he already knew Frank had scars, Frank had mentioned them before, accidentally. But he’d never seen them.  
Gerard shifted his legs slightly, his knee unintentionally knocking against Frank’s as he tried to get more comfortable.  
When he looked at Frank again, he looked even more shocked.  
And then Gerard remembered. One scar he had seen of Frank’s, but got so used to over the past months, he hadn’t even thought about it anymore.  
Suddenly Frank sat up, pushing the covers back, drawing his scarred knee up. “Of course you knew about this one. How could you miss it? Guess you must’ve seen it from the start, right?” Frank said, sounding cold, detached.  
Gerard knew this wasn’t good, he sat up too, slowly. “Frank. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to do draw attention to that. Let’s just drop this now, okay?”  
Frank didn’t seem to hear him. “Wanna know what happened?” He said instead, still coldly, staring at the messy scar. “It happened when I was sucking someone off.”  
Gerard winced, tried to grab Frank’s hand, get it away from the scar it was tracing, round and round. Frank just pushed his hand away, continued. “It was so fucking cold… I didn’t even feel that I’d knelt in glass… Cut right through my jeans. They were pretty worn by then anyway, I guess. I picked the glass out. But… My hands were shaking, made it worse. I told Jimmy. I showed him. You wanna know what he said to me? He said ‘good, scars will make the skin tougher. You’ll be able to take more.’ Then, because I was hurt and scared and shaking from the cold… He put his arms around me, held me, told me it was okay, I’d heal in time. I felt so fucking _grateful_.” Frank spat the last word, he looked so angry, it scared Gerard a little. He hadn’t seen Frank angry for a while now, he’d almost forgotten what it was like.  
Still, Frank continued, “But he still didn’t let me have a break. It took so long to heal… Kept getting re-opened.”  
Gerard didn’t need to ask what Frank meant. He meant Jimmy had still kept him at his ‘work’.  
Gerard shuddered to think of it as that.  
Then Frank looked up, right at Gerard, though Gerard had the strange feeling that Frank wasn’t seeing him, not really. “Wanna see the others? I’ve got quite the collection.”  
He had that wild edge to his voice, one Gerard hadn’t heard since the last time Frank woke up from his nightmares, told Gerard about his past.  
Now Gerard knew he was getting an even clearer view of it.  
He didn’t want it. He didn’t want to know.  
“No. Frank. Stop, you’ll only-”  
Again, Frank ignored him, pushed back his hair, indicating a long, thin scar, hidden in his hairline. “That was from the time someone hit me, I smacked my head on the table. You should’ve seen the blood. I gave a whole new meaning to the title ‘red room’.”  
Gerard closed his eyes, remembering what he’d been told about that room, the awful things that’d happened there.  
Then Frank held out his arms, wrists up. “Surprised you didn’t see these. Someone who was into the whole ‘tied up’ kink. They tied it too tight.”  
Frank grabbed the bottom of his shirt then, pulled it up, over his head.  
Gerard tried to stop him, again, knowing Frank didn’t want to do this, knowing he was self conscious about his body, he’d regret this later.  
Of course, Gerard knew Frank was going to regret all of this later.  
Gerard gasped, quietly when he found himself presented with Frank’s naked chest, stomach and back.  
He’d seen the tattoos on Frank’s arms, but there were more, previously hidden, here.  
Gerard tried not to stare, now was not the time to be appreciating these things. He should just be trying to stop Frank, to calm him down.  
It wasn’t happening.  
Frank twisted, pointed out three small, short scars just above his hip.  
“You won’t believe me. But that was someone’s nails. Dug them in so fucking deep while they… Can you imagine?”  
Gerard closed his eyes, shook his head. Someone being able to draw blood with something as blunt as their fingernails? It must’ve hurt so much…  
Twisted again, pointed to a long, messy scar on his back.  
“Well. You can imagine what I was doing, right? Turns out you shouldn’t get fucked on a floor without checking what’s down there first.”  
Then, up on his shoulder, two small round marks, he couldn’t believe it was still there. “You know what?” Frank said. “Guy who did this must’ve been a friend of Sammy’s.”  
Gerard looked away then.  
Fuck. He knew Frank was far gone right now, didn’t know how to stop himself, but surely he knew not to bring up Sammy?  
Or did he know and he just wanted Gerard hurting, like he was hurting?  
Gerard didn’t believe that for one second. Frank just wasn’t thinking.  
“Bit me. Fucking freak.”  
Then Frank drew up his other leg, putting his scarred knee down.  
Gerard watched, horrified as Frank pushed back the material of his shorts, revealing a long, thick line on his inner thigh, going all the way up, to where Gerard couldn’t see anymore.  
“That was someone who couldn’t decide if they hated me or themselves more. After he was done fucking me he…”  
Frank was shaking, badly now, tears streaming from his eyes.  
Gerard stopped hesitating, grabbed Frank’s hands, pulled them away from his marked skin, then drew him close.  
Frank fought him, for the first time in so long, but Gerard didn’t let him go. “Stop. Frank, enough.” Gerard said, calmly, but commanding.  
Frank shook his head, like he wanted to argue, to tell him he wouldn’t stop. But he couldn’t get anymore words out. He just cried.  
Gerard held him more gently then, rubbing his back, the old, soothing words coming out again. “You’re okay. You’re safe. I’m here.” 

Eventually, Frank calmed, and when he did, the first thing he said was an apology.  
“I’m sorry… I know you don’t want to hear it. You don’t want to be reminded of what I-”  
“Frank I don’t-” Gerard didn’t know how to get through to him.  
He sighed. “I know, I know you’ve been through hell. But… You know, or you should know, I do not look at you like… I don’t _blame_ you for what happened to you. It just… It just hurts to hear it.” His hands went to Frank’s face, guiding him to look up, to look at him. “I can’t stand thinking of you being hurt.”  
Frank closed his eyes, close to crying again.  
“I… I like your tattoos.” Gerard said, gently, a clumsy attempt to chance the subject.  
Frank opened his eyes again, looking hopeful. “You like them?”  
Gerard nodded, smiled. “They’re part of you.” He said, placing a light kiss on Frank’s cheek. “They’re perfect.”  
Frank felt himself grow slightly hot as he realised the thing Gerard hadn’t said, but had implied. 

Gerard retrieved Frank’s shirt for him, let him put it back on.  
They curled up close again then, and, finally fell asleep. 

###

It was late when Alice got back to her apartment. Soon enough it would be tipping over to the 'very early' side of things.  
Jimmy was draining her even more than usual.  
Alice knew she should just leave him to it. Let him destroy himself and his little world if that's what he really wanted.  
But, she couldn't do that. Not only was it hurting so many other people in the process but, despite everything, she just couldn't watch Jimmy crumble like he was.  
And all over one poor little boy.  
Fuck. She missed Frank. Almost as much as she wished he'd stay gone, she wished she could see him again.  
There was a knock at her door, and for a wild moment, Alice had it in her head that it might be Frank.  
She was still slightly surprised when she saw who it actually was.  
"Johnny."  
He looked awful, worse than he had in a while, and he hadn't been looking good recently.  
Jimmy's volatile behaviour had been taking an even bigger toll on Johnny.  
His skin was pale, very pale, he almost had a transparent look to him. Heavy dark circles around his eyes that had nothing to do with make up. His hair was a scruffy, dirty mess.  
"Come in."  
He said nothing, but did as Alice said.

She made coffee, a mug each. Strong.  
Johnny shook his head, attempted to decline.  
"Not taking no for an answer Johnny, take it."  
Johnny gave in, took the mug offered to him, just holding it in his hands for a while.  
Alice sat on her slightly worn couch next to him, tucking her legs under herself.  
She watched Johnny, waiting for him to say something.  
Eventually, after finally taking a sip of his coffee, Johnny said, "he's not getting any better."  
Alice didn't need to ask.  
"Did you really think he would?"  
Johnny shrugged. "I... Guess. I thought... I knew he'd be mad at first, knew he'd try to find... Frank again. But... I thought. I thought by now he would've given up."  
Alice noted Johnny's hesitation to say Frank's name. He didn't like saying it, he'd rather not think about Frank. Alice knew he hated him, and though she thought it unfair on Frank, she understood why.  
"That's not Jimmy's style though, is it? Something he wants... He has to have it."  
Johnny nodded.  
"I just... When did I stop being good enough for him Alice?"  
God. She hated when Johnny was like this, she hated when Jimmy made him like this.  
"You're more than good enough Johnny. And, he does love you. You know that, really."  
Johnny said nothing, his silence saying everything.  
"Has he hurt you again?" Alice asked, carefully. After witnessing Jimmy's charming display of nearly raping Johnny, she'd suspected Jimmy would try to take his frustrations out that way again.  
Still, Johnny said nothing.  
"Johnny." Alice pressed. "I mean it, has he hurt you? You can tell me, there's no shame in telling me."  
Johnny started shaking.  
"That stupid bastard." Alice muttered, disgusted, but not surprised by Jimmy's behaviour.  
She grabbed Johnny, pulled him in tight.  
When Johnny finally spoke, his voice was as shaky as his body.  
"I... I guess it's okay. I mean. At least he's paying attention to me. When he's not- he just ignores me."  
"Johnny. No. No that is not okay, it is not okay that he's hurting you." Alice told him, sternly.  
"Even then though... Even then he's not really paying attention. He's still... He's still thinking about Frank. He told me."  
"I wouldn't believe it for a second." Alice told him. "Even if Jimmy said that, he's lying to you."  
Johnny shook his head. "It's different now. The sex is different. He... He's even more over powering. He..."  
Johnny paused, eventually continuing, "I know it's the way he used to fuck Frank, when he was mad at him for something. I always used to think the brat deserved it but..."  
Johnny paused again, finally looking up at Alice now. "I don't know how Frank took it, Alice. I don't know how he could bare it. I don't know how he..."  
Johnny trailed off then, unable to finish. Too consumed by pity and fear. For himself, for Frank, and, as always, for Jimmy.  
Alice held him tighter, rocking him gently like a child.  
More than ever she prayed Frank would stay missing.

###

The sun was just about to come up when the second round of banging on Alice’s door started.  
She knew who it was, even before she heard the voice shouting through the door.  
“Alice! Let me the fuck in. I know you have that fucker in there!”  
Alice groaned, dragged herself out of bed.

While she’d held Johnny earlier, he’d fallen asleep, so she’d let him sleep there, on the couch. Covering him with a blanket.  
Alice realised it’d been a long time since Johnny had let her look after him like this. The last time had been when Johnny had first left his girlfriend, giving up her, and everything for Saint Jimmy.  
Johnny had been scared, unsure if he’d made the right choice, but adamant that he loved Jimmy.  
And she realised the last person who’d fallen asleep on her couch like this had been Frank.  
One of Jimmy’s clients had hurt him, badly, again. He didn’t want to go back to Jimmy yet, knew Jimmy wouldn’t listen when he said he was in too much pain.  
That had been a long time ago too, or at least it seemed it. Frank had slowly stopped asking her for help. Alice got the feeling it wasn’t because he didn’t want her help, but because he didn’t think she could.  
The scary thing was… She’d thought the same. Not that she’d ever let him know.  
The night when Frank had stayed, Jimmy had come looking for him, just like now. 

As Alice went to get the door, she saw Johnny, wide awake, sat up on the couch.  
He looked so scared.  
(Just like Frank had).  
“I’m sorry Johnny.” Alice said, gently. “I’ve got to let him in, he’ll be worse if I don’t.”  
Johnny nodded, he knew it too. 

As soon as the door was open, Jimmy pushed through.  
“Good to see you too, Jimmy.” Alice muttered, closing the door behind him.  
Jimmy ignored her entirely, heading straight for Johnny, who was still on the couch, though huddled up now, cowering from Jimmy.  
“There you are! What the fuck did you think you were doing? Running away from me like that? Stupid little bitch.”  
Alice flinched as she heard the smack, her eyes closing involuntarily. She looked, Johnny was trying to back away further, Jimmy baring down on him, arm raised, ready for another blow.  
“I’ve already had Frank disappear on me, I don’t need you pulling a fucking vanishing act too!”  
At the sound of Frank’s name, Johnny’s eyes when hard, no longer scared, angry now. “It all fucking comes back to him now, doesn’t it, Jimmy?” Johnny snapped, pushing Jimmy away. “And don’t fucking pretend you care even half as much about me disappearing. I know all you care about is Frank. You’ve said it enough fucking times!”  
Jimmy raised his hand again, looking furious, but Johnny grabbed his arm, stopping him. “No!” Johnny yelled at him. “No more! I’m not gonna let you keep fucking hurting me like this! It’s not fucking fair, Jimmy. It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault you don’t have Frank anymore, stop treating me like it is.”  
Jimmy said nothing, staring at Johnny, in angry disbelief. It‘s been a while since Johnny had stood up to him like this.  
Alice watched the two boys, for the first time, in a long time, she remembered how evenly matched they were when they were both angry.  
They were scary to watch, the intensity high.  
Johnny pushed Jimmy again, pushing him off this time, then getting up, heading to the door.  
Finally, Jimmy acted, grabbing Johnny, and pulling him down.  
Johnny fell to the floor, hard, letting out a cry as he did.  
Jimmy was immediately on top of him, pinning him down. “Don’t talk to me like that.” Jimmy said, his voice eerily quiet and calm. “You don’t have a fucking clue.”  
“This the part where you tell me you really do care about me, Jimmy?” Johnny asked.  
Jimmy made a disgusted noise. “This is why I like Frank so much, he never asked me pathetic shit like that.”  
“Only because he was too scared to.”  
That time Johnny was unable to block the blow that struck him.  
He paused. Then hit him again.  
Before he could even raise his hand again, Alice had grabbed his arm, holding him firmly.  
Jimmy didn’t even look at her.  
“That is _enough_ Jimmy. You’re being fucking stupid. And I won’t have anymore violence in my home, understood?”  
“Let go of me Alice. Now.” Jimmy hissed, still glaring down at Johnny,  
“Why?” Alice asked. “So you can keep hurting Johnny? He’s right you know. It’s not his fault Frank’s gone. It’s no one’s fault, except maybe yours.”  
That finally gained her Jimmy’s full attention. Getting swiftly up and off Johnny, Jimmy turned on Alice.  
She knew she wasn’t in any real danger, not from Jimmy. But still, he scared her. “Liar!” Jimmy snapped. “That boy fucking loves me. There’s no way he’d-”  
“How do you know that, Jimmy? How can you be so sure he loves you? And even if he does, I doubt he understands it.”  
At that Jimmy grinned. “He can’t help it.”  
“Just because you were the first person he had sex with doesn’t entitle you to anything.” Alice told him, calmly, knowing exactly what Jimmy was getting at.  
“Maybe not. But I’ll always be important. Special to him. No matter who fucks him, it all comes back to me. It all gets compared to me.”  
Alice shook her head. “And just what part of that speaks of love, Jimmy?”  
“You know nothing about it.” Jimmy spat.  
“I know Johnny loves you, for certain. He chose you after all, Jimmy. Isn’t that a little more special?”  
Once again, Jimmy said nothing.  
He glared at Alice, then turned to glare at Johnny, who was just sitting back up again.  
He cowered and bowed his head as soon as he saw Jimmy looking at him.

Jimmy walked out then, slamming the door behind him.  
And Alice went over to Johnny, holding him tight, whispering words of comfort as he clung to her. 

_###_

Gerard woke up early, again.  
For someone who often made sure they were awake in plenty of time, Gerard guessed it wasn't exactly unusual. In fact the times when he'd started sleeping in more had been the stranger thing.  
But it was still becoming much more regular, and he was waking up earlier.  
He wasn't complaining though, he wasn't tired. And at least it meant he was awake when Frank woke up.  
Gerard looked over at Frank now, in his usual curled up sleeping position. And as usual his fingers curled into Gerard's shirt.  
Gerard smiled, one hand stroking through Franks hair, while the other carefully detached Frank from his shirt, gently unhooking the fingers.  
Frank whined quietly, sensing his loss of contact.  
"Shh." Gerard soothed. "I'm not going far."  
Satisfied Frank was okay, Gerard got out of bed, headed to the bathroom. 

Gerard had got into the habit of getting into the shower as soon as he woke up now, whether he was going somewhere or not. If he left it until after Frank woke up,  
Well... Frank always took long showers.  
Gerard didn't mind, not in the slightest, but he'd rather get it out of the way. 

The water felt good, and Gerard felt like maybe he knew why Frank always took so long.  
Thoughts of Frank entered his head, unpleasant memories of the night before, Frank so upset, hearing all those things that had happened to him.  
Gerard shivered, and without thinking turned the temperature up.  
He thought of those scars, how scary they looked, thinking no wonder Frank had been so scared of him at first, after the way other men had treated him.  
His thoughts turned to the tattoos then, how, in striking contrast, beautiful they looked. Gerard had badly wanted to reach out, touch them, trace them with his fingers. Kiss them.  
Gerard stopped himself, abruptly, he knew that was too much, Frank would be terrified if he knew  
Gerard had even thought it.  
But. Fuck. He wanted to.  
He couldn't get the images of Frank, and his beautiful bare skin out of his head.  
And his thoughts turned to that skin, covered lightly in water as Frank stood under the shower.  
Gerard imagined his slow, careful movements as he stood, washing and just enjoying the hot stream of water.  
Then Gerard imagined being there with him.  
Kissing him, their hair sticking to their necks and faces, hands roaming over each other, the unique feeling of water running over their hands and skin as they did.  
Touching Frank, intimately, seeing his eyes closed, face a picture of pleasure.  
Frank touching him the same, knowing exactly what he wanted.  
Their moans mingling together as their open mouths pressed close. 

It took Gerard a moment to realise his moans weren't all in his imagination.  
Gerard stopped.  
Fuck.  
Gerard suddenly felt an awful wave of shame, something he hadn't felt from getting himself off since his teenage years.  
He shouldn't have been thinking about Frank like that.  
Frank would be... Frank would hate it if he knew what Gerard had just imagined, and probably be scared.  
If he knew Gerard had touched himself while thinking about him...  
In a way, Gerard knew it wasn't so wrong. Thinking about your boyfriend while jerking off was hardly the worst thing in the world, you're supposed to think about your boyfriend like that.  
But, Gerard knew this was different, very different, it wasn't that easy for Frank. Sex wasn't a good thing in his mind.  
And then the thought occurred to Gerard... Something that hadn't crossed his mind before, not fully anyway.  
Were they ever going to be able to be intimate? Or was Frank going to remain scared of letting Gerard touch him forever?  
Gerard decided to banish these thoughts from his mind, he didn't want to think about it.  
He cleaned himself off, though the shower had done most of the work for him anyway, then checked for any further evidence of his act on the tiles and shower floor.  
Satisfied, he turned the water off, and got out.  
He wanted to get back to Frank, spend a little more time with him before he had to leave for work. 

Gerard got back in to bed, his hair still slightly wet from his poor attempt to towel dry it.  
Frank opened his eyes, just slightly, and smiled as he saw Gerard getting back in.  
“Was scared I’d missed you.” Frank said, his voice quiet and hazy with sleep.  
Gerard pulled him close. “Not yet.” He said.  
“You’ve gotta go today?” Frank asked, his eyes already closing again.  
“Not yet.” Gerard repeated.  
Frank didn’t reply, and Gerard assumed he’d drifted off again.  
Then Frank nuzzled closer. “You smell nice.”  
Gerard smiled, knowing Frank couldn’t see it, he kissed Frank’s forehead, closing his eyes as he did. 

_###_

Gerard did have to drag himself back out of bed, as unwilling to leave Frank as Frank was to let him.  
“Ray will kill me if I take anymore time off. Or he’ll come down here and drag me into work himself.”  
Frank eventually accepted that Gerard wasn’t going to be able to stay. He saw Gerard to the door, letting Gerard kiss him once, before leaving. 

The day was not sufficiently busy enough to keep Gerard’s mind occupied.  
“I’m not letting you go early again Gerard so don’t even think about it.” Ray said, when he caught him glaring at the clock, which was moving too slowly.  
Gerard snapped his attention to Ray, his eyes going wide. “I- I wasn’t going to-”  
“How’s Frank?” Ray asked, a knowing smile on his face.  
Gerard glanced down slightly, his own, shy smile spreading across his lips. “He’s good.”  
Ray nodded, “Uh huh. Thought so. You’re getting seriously easy to read, you know that Gee?”  
Gerard blushed. “Shut up. Am not.”  
“Well. It doesn’t take a mind reader.” Ray said, with a shrug. “So what did you guys get up to over the weekend? Did he actually manage to get you out of the building for once?”  
“Hey! I go out!” Gerard protested. “But, um. Actually, Mikey came over this weekend.”  
“Oh yeah? How’s he? Haven’t seen that kid in ages.”  
Gerard laughed. “Must’ve been ages, Ray. He’s not exactly a kid these days. At least, he doesn’t act like it. He’s good though, doing really good.”  
“Good. You know, you have to bring him down here next time, we could all go out maybe.”  
Gerard nodded. “Sure. Yeah, I’ll ask him.”  
He hesitated before continuing. “He met Frank.”  
“Be hard for him not to, since Frank’s living with you.”  
Gerard nodded. Then, waiting for Ray to look at him, he smiled. “Mikey likes him.”  
At that, Ray’s eyes went wide. “I assume you’ve already set the date for the wedding then.”  
Gerard laughed. “No. Ray. We haven’t, but…”  
Ray smiled back. “Finally official, huh?”  
Gerard nodded.  
“About time.”  
Gerard realised Ray had just said exactly what Mikey had when he found out Gerard and Frank were officially together.  
Gerard had never really thought anybody, apart from Mikey, cared about this part of his life. But, it turned out, there were those who genuinely cared about him being happy.  
And that, along with Frank, really did make him happy. 

_###_

Later that night, after a second, prompting call from Mikey, Gerard called his parents. Checking in with them, letting them know he was getting on okay, making sure they were okay. The usual, family stuff.  
Gerard had gone into the bedroom to make the call, and at first, Frank had stayed in the living room, happy to stay watching the film they’d put on.  
He could hear snippets of the conversation though, and something about the… Normality of it drew him to listen closer.  
Feeling guilty about invading, but unable to help himself, Frank got up, went over to the doorway of the room.  
He looked in, saw Gerard, sitting cross-legged on the bed, tracing invisible patterns on the sheets as he continued to chat. He was smiling, softly, and Frank, as always, couldn’t help but smile too.  
Gerard looked up, saw him, and Frank almost backed off, expecting Gerard to be mad or upset he’d been listening in.  
Instead Gerard just smiled more, held out his hand, beckoning Frank in.  
“Oh, Mikey told you already?” Gerard said, still to his parents, as Frank sat next to him, taking his hand.  
“Yeah, mom, he is. Mikey got on with him too, that’s good, right?” Gerard was positively beaming at Frank then, and Frank realised, with a jolt, that Gerard was talking about him.  
“His name’s Frank, it’s been a few days, officially now. Yeah, it’s going really, really great.” Gerard squeezed Frank’s hand then.  
“Mom!” Gerard’s eyes went suddenly very wide, looking shocked. “You can’t ask me that! I- Um…” He calmed, slightly, glancing at Frank, nervously. “No… It’s not like that. We… He’s special to me. And I don’t want… Yeah. Exactly. I do.”  
Frank frowned, wondering what the mother and son were discussing. He knew it had to do with him. And he noticed a blush on Gerard’s cheeks as he admitted to Frank being special.  
Frank had felt his cheeks grow hot too.  
The subject slowly changed, but Frank stayed, until finally, with promises to catch up again soon, Gerard hung up.  
He smiled at Frank, and pulled him close. A brief hesitation, then he placed a gentle kiss on Frank’s lips.  
“My mom likes the sound of you. She’d love to meet you.” When Frank looked slightly nervous, Gerard hurried to assure him, “You don’t have to worry about my parents just turning up out of the blue, it’s okay. I meant in the future.”  
They laid down then, getting comfortable tangled up with each other.  
“I think you’re the first one she’s wanted to meet.” Gerard said. “Boyfriend, I mean. Neither of my parents really wanted to meet any others. That’s probably down to Mikey though.”  
Gerard stroked his hand gently through Frank’s hair. “You’re the first one he’s really got on with.”  
Frank felt a swell of pride. He was accepted? Gerard’s family liked him too?  
Then he felt his heart plummet as his thoughts suddenly turned to his own family.  
When he realised he wasn’t going to be able to have the same, happy conversation with his own mother.  
“I like how close you are… With your brother, and your parents.” Frank said, quietly.  
Gerard frowned, sensing something was wrong. “What about you?” He asked. “Aren’t you close with your family?” Immediately Gerard regretted the question. It was obvious, wasn’t it? Surely Frank wasn’t close to them, he’d never mentioned them. Gerard realised he didn’t even know if Frank had any brothers or sisters.  
Frank closed his eyes, shook his head. “No. I… Gerard. You know I ran away, right?”  
Gerard nodded, he’d guessed as much, at least. “You never told me why, though.” Gerard said.  
Frank shook his head. “That’s not important.” He told him. “I just… I haven’t been in contact with them since, and… I can’t see myself getting in contact anytime soon. I don’t want to.”  
“Why not?”  
Frank paused, thinking carefully before he admitted the next thing. “Because, if I talk to them… They might find me, and make me go back and…” He stopped, realising he didn’t even want to say the next thing. “And I’m scared they’d… Take me away from you.”  
Frank closed his eyes, not wanting to see the look on Gerard’s face.  
He felt a light kiss on his forehead, then on his eyelids. And slowly Frank opened his eyes again, saw Gerard staring straight at him, frowning softly. “Would they disapprove?” Gerard asked.  
Frank felt like he might cry, he was hurting Gerard, wasn’t he? Why had he even gone down this route? “Not… Not you. I-”  
“They don’t know you’re gay.” Gerard said, simply.  
Frank shook his head. “I… I didn’t even know until… Until-”  
“Until Jimmy.” Gerard filled in for him. Frank nodded.  
“Jimmy was the first guy you slept with?”  
Frank shook his head. “Not just… Not just the first guy.”  
Then Gerard understood. “Jimmy was the first ever?”  
Frank didn’t reply, just buried himself closer against Gerard. And Gerard drew his arms tighter around him. “I’m sorry, we’ll stop talking about it.” He said, gently, though he knew it was too late, Frank was already shaking. Already the memories were replaying.  
Then Gerard heard, very plainly, something that left him with no idea how to respond.  
“I wish, I wish it’d been you. I wish you could’ve been the one who…” Frank trailed off, unable to find the words, or unwilling to say them, but Gerard knew what he’d been trying to say.  
 _I wish the same._ Gerard thought. _I wish I could’ve been the first. I never would’ve put you through such awful things. And you never would’ve been scared. I would’ve looked after you._  
Then, another thought came to mind. _I’ll look after you now. I always will.  
Even if it means I never get to touch you._

The stark reality of that came crashing down on Gerard, even more clearly than it had before.  
And, for the first time, he realised just how difficult that might prove to be. 

He pushed that thought away again. His hand stroking through Frank’s hair, soothing words coming to his lips once more. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another visit from Mikey allows Frank to be more open with him, bringing all three closer together.   
> Meanwhile, Frank and Gerard struggle to find balance between what they want, and what Frank can handle.

As another week went by, Gerard realised they’d slipped into their own little routine.   
During the week he’d go to work, making sure to say goodbye to Frank before leaving, who was almost always still in bed, but awake.  
They’d kiss once, then Gerard would leave for work.  
When he got home, he’d most likely find Frank on the couch, watching TV, sometimes reading one of Gerard’s books, pretending he hadn’t been watching the clock all day.  
They’d sit together a while, asking each other about their day, then Gerard would go to the kitchen, prepare dinner. At first Frank had stayed in the living room throughout this part, but he’d started following Gerard a few minutes later, offering help, or just sitting up on the counter, as out of the way as possible, watching him.  
Then they’d eat, once again in the living room, Gerard often making the point that his focus was on the screen and his own dinner, he wasn’t watching Frank.   
After that they’d clear up, which Frank now helped with. Gerard hadn’t asked, he’d offered. His official job in the kitchen was washing up, again, something he’d offered.   
The rest of the evening and night would, typically, pass peacefully. They often went to bed early, where they’d curl up close, and sometimes talk, sometimes just stay silent until they drifted off.  
It was a simple routine, fairly uneventful, but Gerard enjoyed it none the less. It was peaceful, most of the time.  
He was, however, constantly aware that this peace could break at any time.   
Not that he let that ruin it, not one bit.

###

Another day that Gerard was at work, and Frank thought he was going slowly out of his mind.   
_How am I not used to this yet?_  
He always knew Gerard was coming back, he even knew when. He was never late. But still, Frank always anxiously waited for him.   
He knew exactly how needy he was, and he just hoped Gerard wasn’t about to get sick of it.  
Something told Frank he wasn’t, he wouldn’t though. It wasn’t arrogance on his part, Frank just… He got that feeling.  
He didn’t know exactly what that feeling was, but it was the same one that constantly told him how safe he was with Gerard.   
He was safe. _They_ were. 

###

Thursday night, and the two of them were curled up on the couch together, Frank half laying on Gerard, tucked under his chin. Their hands all caught up with each other.  
“Movie ended.” Frank said.  
A true statement, the movie had finished at least ten minutes ago.  
“Uh huh.” Gerard agreed.   
“We should turn it off.”  
“Uh huh.” Gerard also agreed with this, but made no movement to do so.  
Frank sat up slightly. “Do you need me to move?” He asked. “Or I could go do it.”  
Gerard said nothing then, and Frank looked down at him for an answer.  
Before he could even think about it, Frank leant down, pausing, as he always did, before his lips touched Gerard’s.  
It was simple, sweet at first, like all their kisses. Gerard pushed his hand into Frank’s hair, guiding him to stay close.  
Mouths opened just a little, and Gerard ran his tongue over Frank’s bottom lip, testing.  
Frank pulled back then.  
His eyes immediately meeting Gerard’s.  
“I’m sorry.” He said. And Gerard shook his head. “Never be sorry.”   
He wrapped his arms around Frank again then, bringing him close once more. 

Later that night, after they’d gone to bed, Gerard asked something he’d been meaning to ask for a few days now.  
Neither had said much that night, they’d do that sometimes, pass an entire evening and night on few words.   
They found they didn’t always need words.   
“I was wondering…” Gerard began, feeling like his voice was very loud in contrast to the long silence, when, in reality, he’d almost been whispering.  
Frank opened his eyes, giving Gerard his attention once again.   
“I kinda… I kinda feel bad that I leave you here all by yourself all day, like… Don’t you get bored?”  
Frank frowned at him, not sure where this was going. “I- I’m fine. I…” He lowered his gaze as he reached for Gerard’s hand again. “I do miss you though.”   
Gerard nodded. “And I miss you. So… I was thinking… Did you want to come with me tomorrow?”   
Again, Frank frowned, not understanding.   
“I mean… You could, come to the shop with me. I know it’s not the most exciting thing but-”  
Frank was shaking his head, before Gerard could even finish.  
“Okay…” Gerard said, feeling a little shot down. “Well… You could always go someplace else… I have a spare key so-”  
Again, Frank was shaking his head, more than before.   
This time he said something, “I don’t- I haven’t gone outside this place since I got here, I-”  
“Frank.” Gerard said, softly. “This is not a prison, I am not keeping you here against you will, I am not your jailer. You can come and go as you please.”   
Still Frank shook his head. “No. No you don’t-”   
It wasn’t just his head shaking anymore.  
And Gerard suddenly understood, he realised the reason Frank had never asked for a key, had never asked if he could go with Gerard.  
“It’s because you don’t want to leave.”   
Frank looked up at him again then. “Yes.”  
Gerard laughed, but not like he thought it was funny, “Frank, you can’t stay here forever.”  
At that Frank’s eyes went wide, scared, and Gerard realised he’d used a very bad choice of words.  
“I didn’t mean it like that.” He said, gently, kissing Frank once, just as gently. “I meant you… You have to go out again at some point, right?”   
Frank didn’t say anything, though he was comforted to know he’d misunderstood Gerard’s words.  
“I mean… It’s great spending all this time together like we do, I love that you’re always here. I don’t have to worry about the ‘right time’ to ask you to move in with me because… You’re already here. But… I’d kinda, at some point… I’d kinda like to… You know, do all that stuff couples usually do at the beginning of a relationship. I’d like to… Date.”   
Frank continued to stare, figuring these words out. “W- What do you mean?”  
“I mean… Going out, You know, to the park, to catch a movie, to dinner, you know… Stuff… Stuff couples do.”  
Frank’s heart was beating hard, this was new territory for him, and he didn’t know how to deal with it.  
“I- I don’t… I’ve never ‘dated’ before.” Then he shook his head, knowing that wasn’t the real issue anyway. “Gerard… I can’t… I can’t go out. I can’t… Risk it.”  
“Risk what?” But even as he asked it, it clicked for Gerard. He sighed, closing his eyes. “Jimmy.”   
“He- He might see me… Or someone else will, and they’ll tell him and… Gerard I can’t-”  
Gerard nodded. “I know. I understand now. I’m sorry.”   
He leant forward to kiss Frank, but paused, unsure if he could, if it was allowed. Jimmy had been mentioned, and as always, he leeched the safe feelings away.  
Frank noticed the pause. “Please.” He said, quietly. “Please don’t give up on me.”   
A few seconds later he felt Gerard’s lips on his own, and he was so grateful. He curled his arms around him, felt Gerard do the same, the two of them brought closer together. 

###

The next evening Gerard got another phone call from Mikey.  
He stayed in the living room with Frank while he took the call.  
“Again?” Gerard said, sounding surprised. “No, now Mikey c’mon, don’t be like that I just-”  
He paused then. “Let me ask Frank, okay?”  
Frank looked to him then, waiting for the question.   
“Is it okay with you if Mikey stays again this weekend?”  
Frank was surprised by the question. Why was he being asked? Did Gerard really think he’d say no?   
And when exactly had it happened that he had a say in things like this?   
“I-It’s fine.” Frank assured. Gerard smiled, then pulled him in close to kiss his temple.  
“Okay, Mikey, Frank says it’s fine. No, of course I want to see you, I just didn’t think you’d want to see me again so soon I-”  
He stopped, abruptly.  
His expression changed, subtly, he looked worried.   
“Alright. Yeah. Of course. You too.”

Frank waited to see if Gerard would tell him what was wrong. But when he didn’t, and his mood didn’t seem to lift, Frank asked.  
“Don’t worry about it, Frank.” Gerard told him, sounding more faraway than he ever had.  
It scared Frank a little. He didn’t like Gerard being like this.   
“Gerard, I- if you’re trying to protect me from something… Don’t. Please. I want to know what’s going on.”   
Gerard sighed, nodded. He knew what he’d been doing, and Frank had just called him on it.  
“I guess you’ll find out from Mikey anyway but… Okay. Frank, you know that Mikey’s kinda… Very anti-drugs, right?”  
Frank tensed slightly, remembering that had been the main reason he’d been so scared of meeting Gerard’s brother.   
He nodded.   
“And it’s not just that… He doesn’t approve or whatever, a lot of people are that but… He hates them. And he has reason to, they’ve messed up a lot of the people around him.”  
Frank once again nodded, wondering slightly about that, but not bringing himself to ask the question.   
“Thing is, he has a friend of his… Great guy, really, really great. He’s probably even Mikey’s best friend, but… He kinda…”   
Gerard sighed, pushed his hand back through his hair, then he twisted around on the couch, facing Frank now.   
“Okay. I’m sure you’ve figured this out by now, but I didn’t want to tell you outright in case… In case it made you feel less... Stable.”  
He reached out, took Frank’s hand.   
Frank just stared down at their hands, watching Gerard stroking his thumb against Frank’s wrist.  
“We all… We all used to get high, back when Mikey and his friend were still at school. It wasn’t really a big deal. A lot of people we knew did too, and it wasn’t like… It wasn’t every day, it wasn’t all the time. It was just… It was just fun. Something to do I guess. It felt good.”  
Frank couldn’t say anything. But his head was screaming.  
 _It always feels good to begin with! That’s the idea! And then it gets you, it catches you and takes hold and you can’t get out!_  
“I know… I should’ve been the sensible one, right? Should’ve been setting a good example for my little brother, but it was so much easier just to go along with it. I told myself I was being responsible, being there with him when he was getting high, at least that meant I was there if anything went wrong.”  
Gerard paused again. “Then, one night Mikey goes out without me, because I’d just broken up with my first boyfriend and I was more interested in feeling sorry for myself. His best friend went with him, so I figured Mikey would be fine. Well. He was. But he came running back from the party. Straight to his room. I went to see him and I find out… One of his other friends…”  
Gerard paused, but Frank had already guessed the next part.  
“They’d overdosed?” He said, quietly.  
Gerard nodded.  
“He swore he’d never touch drugs again, begged me to promise the same.”  
“Did you?” Frank asked, his voice flat, hard.  
“My brother had seen someone die, and he was scared. How could I tell him I wasn’t going to quit?”  
“That’s not what I was asking.” Frank replied.   
A heavy silence, then Gerard sighed. “For then, yeah. I did.”  
Frank closed his eyes, tight.  
 _You are not allowed to cry again!_ He told himself, firmly.   
He heard, felt Gerard shifting closer to him. Felt hands on his face. “Hey, stop that. You don’t have to worry. I told you you’re safe here, didn’t I? You’ve searched this apartment up and down, right? You know I have _nothing._ You do not have to worry about me.”  
Still Frank didn’t open his eyes, he couldn’t.  
But he nodded.   
“You were telling me about Mikey’s friend…” Frank said, quietly.  
Gerard paused, waiting to see if the moment really had passed.   
Finally he continued. “Mikey asked him to quit too. And he did. For about a month. Then he started again. So, again, Mikey asked him to stop. And he did. But… He slipped up again a few months later. And… It’s always kinda been like that. Ever since. Mikey is so close to him, otherwise I think he’d have stopped seeing him but, he can’t handle it whenever he slips up.”   
“And it’s happened again, right?” Frank asked.  
“Yeah.”   
“And he needs you right now.”  
A pause, then Gerard replied, “Yeah.”  
Frank thought about this. “Is Mikey sure that… Being around his brothers newly ex-junkie boyfriend is really gonna be okay?”  
Gerard pulled him closer, stroking his hair. “Mikey wants to be with people he trusts to be strong. Who want to be okay. That’s you, Frank. He sees that, he knows that.”  
Frank nodded.  
He did want to be okay. He was, right now at least.  
Frank lifted his head, titling his face up.  
Gerard bent his head just slightly, and kissed him.

###

Frank woke up first that Saturday morning, finding himself with his head on Gerard‘s chest, who was in turn laid out on his back, one arm loosely around Frank.  
He sat up a little, looking down at Gerard.   
His eyes were still closed, his breathing that certain kind of pace you only ever get in sleep.   
Frank leaned forward slightly, then placed a small, swift kiss on Gerard’s lips.  
Just as he went to back off, he felt Gerard kiss back, the arm around him becoming slightly tighter.   
Frank felt himself being gently pushed onto his side, Gerard following all the way.  
Then, with a couple of careful, light brushes of tongues against the other, they finally broke the kiss off.  
Gerard opened his eyes and propped his head up on his hand, looking slightly down at Frank.  
“Well. That was a wake up I could get used to.”  
Frank blushed. “I- I didn’t really think about it, I just-”  
“Feel free to do it anytime.” Gerard told him, leaning down and kissing him again.  
Frank blushed harder. “I- I don’t know-”  
Gerard laughed. “Relax, baby, please?”   
Frank nodded.   
Then, thinking he should, he said, “I… I don’t mind if you do it too.”   
Gerard smiled, pulled him in a little closer. “I’m not so sure you mean that.”   
Frank was blushing again, knowing he’d been caught out. “No.” He admitted.   
Gerard laughed, softly, “I appreciate the thought though. I promise I’ll only kiss you when you’re fully conscious.”   
At that Frank laughed too.   
“So.” He said, coyly, “You’ll kiss me now?”   
“Do I have permission?” Gerard teased.  
“Well… I don’t know about that…”  
Then Frank yelped as Gerard darted forward and kissed him anyway.  
He laughed, enjoying the playfulness, even allowing Gerard to move over him slightly.  
Frank noticed Gerard kept his body up, so he wasn’t actually laying on Frank, and his hands stayed either side of Frank’s shoulders, so as not to seem like he was pinning Frank down.  
The kisses were light, brief, little butterfly kisses. Frank attempted to keep track of how many, but soon gave up, just getting lost in them, his arms reaching up, curling loosely around the back of Gerard’s neck.

They didn’t hear the front door. Or the call of hello.   
In fact they didn’t notice much until the bedroom door swung open.  
“Do not tell me you two are still in bed?”   
That time it was Gerard’s turn to yelp, Frank was too startled to make a sound.  
Gerard sat up quickly, staring, wide eyed at the figure standing in the doorway.  
Frank, meanwhile, tried to disappear as far under the bedcovers as possible.  
“Mikey!” Gerard exclaimed.   
“What?” Mikey replied, looking completely unfazed. “You knew I was coming over today, it’s not my fault you’re too lazy to get up before I got here.”  
“You could’ve knocked!” Gerard protested.  
“I did.”  
“Or at least told us you were here first.”  
“I did.” Mikey repeated, calmly.  
“Well I-” Gerard stuttered. “You didn’t have to come into my room!”  
Mikey rolled his eyes. “You sound like a teenager again.” He said. “It’s not like I haven’t seen, or heard worse. Thanks for that, by the way, Gee.”  
“Maybe if you knocked before walking into my room you wouldn’t-”  
“You never hear me!”   
“Then why do you still come in?!”  
Despite his general embarrassment at being caught in a rather compromising position by Gerard’s brother, Frank couldn’t help laughing at Gerard and Mikey’s arguing.  
Gerard immediately turned his attention to Frank, grinning as he pretended to glare down at him, “Don’t you start.” He warned.   
Frank tried his best to stop laughing then, but Gerard’s mock stern look wasn’t helping.  
Mikey’s attention also went to Frank now. “Sorry, hey Frank. Sorry if I scared you barging in like that.”  
Frank shook his head. “It- It’s okay. Sorry we weren’t up.”  
Mikey looked very pointedly at Gerard. “And that was all I wanted.”  
Gerard rolled his eyes, “Uh huh Mikey, now get the hell out so me and Frank can get dressed.”  
Mikey shrugged. “Fine. Take your time, I’ll make myself at home.”  
“That wouldn’t involve making coffee too, would it?” Gerard called at his brother, who’d already left.   
“Only if you come and get it yourself!” Was the reply.

“Sorry about that.” Gerard said, pushing back the covers, and getting out of bed finally.  
Frank sat up, drawing his legs up, his arms around his knees. “It’s okay. He doesn’t… Mikey doesn’t do that a lot, does he?”   
“Barging into my room unannounced? Not as much as we were making it seem. But he does do it sometimes. Usually only when he thinks I should be awake already.” Gerard paused, and looked up from the drawers he was going through, saw the worried look on Frank’s face.  
“I can tell him not to, he’ll understand if I tell him you’re uncomfortable with it. He only does it because me and him are so close… We don’t even think about it much anymore.”   
Frank nodded, he understood that much.   
Gerard went over, climbing onto the bed. “Enough with the worried look, Frankie. I’ll talk to him. Don’t worry.”   
At that, Frank smiled, softly, he was blushing once again.  
“What?” Gerard asked, with a laugh.   
“You… You never called me Frankie before.”  
Gerard frowned, thinking about it. “Oh.” He said. “Do you mind?”   
Frank shook his head. “I like it.” He said, holding his arms out, lowering his legs again, so Gerard could get close, they kissed once more, then focused back on getting dressed.

Gerard let Frank go and shower first, going to the kitchen to see if his brother had been true to his word and made coffee.  
Thankfully, he had.  
“Still not dressed.” Mikey commented, looking up at Gerard as he walked in.  
Gerard shrugged, then taking the mug offered to him. “I let Frank go in the shower first, doesn’t make much sense for me to get dressed then shower, then have to get dressed again.”  
“A simple ‘no’ would’ve done.” Mikey replied, picking up his own mug, and leaning back against the counter.  
“It’s too early for your teasing, Mikey, quit it.”   
“It’s eleven o’clock Gee.” Mikey argued.   
Gerard didn’t reply to that.  
“Frank wanted me to mention something, actually.” He said, changing the subject.  
“Yeah?”  
“He asked… He asked if you could, you know, not walk into my room, when we’re in there together?”  
Mikey laughed. Then, seeing the serious look on Gerard’s face, he stopped. “Wait, you’re serious? Gee it’s not like-”  
“I know, but it makes him nervous. Mikey… He… Look. I can’t tell you, not right now, anyway, but he has his reasons for not liking it. And it… It goes past standard embarrassment.”  
Mikey continued to frown, “This all got to do with what happened before you found him, right?”   
Gerard nodded.  
“Same reason why I wasn’t allowed to use the word ‘boyfriend’ until he did?”  
Again, Gerard nodded.   
And so did Mikey, who was starting to piece a few things together. “Okay. You know I never mean any harm by it though, right?”  
“Oh, yeah, I know.” Gerard assured. “It just, I know Frank’s not used to it.”  
“Let’s face it, we take a little getting used to.” Mikey said.   
Gerard laughed. “I guess that’s true.”

Eventually, with second rounds of coffee in their hands, they headed into the living room.  
Mikey frowned at the bathroom door.  
“He always take that long in the shower?”   
Gerard looked over too, the easy smile on his face suddenly disappearing.   
“Yeah.” He replied.  
“Gerard… I don’t want to sound pushy or anything but… I don’t think that’s a good thing.”  
Gerard shook his head. “I know.” He said. “But, don’t bring it up, okay?”   
Mikey promised he wouldn’t. 

###

A little later, when all were finally dressed and presentable, Gerard announced that, as usual, he was kinda disorganised and didn’t actually have any real food in the apartment.  
“So what’s new?” Mikey teased.   
Gerard ignored the comment, saying he was going out.   
He asked if Mikey wanted to come, predicting the answer of no before it had even left his brothers lips.  
He also asked Frank, knowing the answer, but knowing it would seem strange if he didn’t at least ask.   
Frank smiled at him, knowing what he was doing, and grateful for it. “I’ll keep Mikey company.” He offered instead.  
“Alright.” Gerard said, bending down to kiss Frank, before leaving.

Frank was still looking embarrassed about ten minutes later.  
“I don’t mind, you know?” Mikey eventually said.   
There’d been an awkward silence, and Mikey knew exactly why.   
Frank looked up at Mikey, startled. “Don’t mind… What?”   
Mikey smiled, gently, as he sat down on the couch, the other end to Frank, much like when they’d first met last weekend. “I don’t mind… Seeing you and my brother. I know you’re embarrassed, maybe wondering what I think? I’m just saying… I don’t mind. You’re not… You don’t… Overdo it.”   
Frank didn’t know what to say. He was grateful for what Mikey had said, and yes, that had certainly been part of it, that he’d been worried what Mikey would think.   
But it wasn’t all of it.   
He couldn’t tell Mikey the rest though.   
“And… The thing this morning… Me walking in like I did… I’m sorry. But, again, I don’t mind. Trust me, Frank, you’d know if I had a problem with you being with my brother.”  
Still, if not even more so, Frank didn’t know what to say.  
 _It’s not that._ He thought.   
“And…” Mikey continued. “I know… I know there’s some stuff about you that Gerard isn’t telling me, and that’s fine, I trust him to tell me if it was something that put him in danger, especially after what happened with…”  
 _Sammy._ Mikey didn’t have to say it.  
“But I just want you to know… You can tell me, if you want to. I don’t want you thinking you have to hide stuff from me.”  
Mikey paused to laugh then, humourlessly. “I’ve known some people who’ve been through some pretty messed up shit, and you know that includes my own brother, so…”  
Frank nodded.   
He hadn’t expected this though. He hadn’t expected Mikey to offer him this, someone else to talk to. He wasn’t sure he could.  
“You might not… Want me near Gerard… If you knew.” Frank said, quietly.  
There was a pause, then Mikey replied. “I don’t know, obviously. But I’ve guessed some stuff… And I have a feeling, what happened wasn’t really your fault?”   
Frank shook his head. “It was. I had enough chances to turn back. I ignored them.”   
“Still doesn’t necessarily make it your fault.”   
Again, Frank shook his head.   
He paused, thinking before he continued.  
He was torn, scared to tell Mikey the truth, but…   
Mikey had already shown Frank he could trust him, and, he did. As much as he said he was scared Mikey wouldn’t want Frank near Gerard after hearing this he… He could tell Mikey wouldn’t do that. He knew it would mean a lot to Gerard too, if Frank would let Mikey in a little.  
So, he started telling Mikey about Saint Jimmy.  
About how he hadn’t meant to get in so deep, but Jimmy had, in everyway, seduced him.  
He only hinted about the things he’d done for drugs, but Mikey got the idea anyway.  
It all made a lot of sense now.   
Why Frank didn’t like Mikey seeing him and Gerard together, in any way that might be even slightly intimate. The long showers. Even the way Frank always tugged on his clothes. He was often in Gerard’s clothes, since Frank had come here in only the things he was wearing that night, so they were a little big on Frank, but still he would try and cover up as much as possible.  
The way he kept such constant contact with Gerard.   
Gerard was the one who kept him stable, kept him safe, made him feel… Alright. 

Mikey watched, and listened as Frank talked, poured everything out.   
Then he shifted closer, put his arm around Frank.  
At first Frank flinched away, but then he relaxed.  
Glad to find someone else he could take at least a little comfort in.  
Even though it was nothing compared to the way he felt around Gerard.

Mikey let him cry, for a while, then, grabbing a tissue from the table, he held it out. “Okay, okay. It’s alright. You are so safe. Fuck, do you know how lucky you got? Gerard finding you? I couldn’t think of a better person.”   
Frank nodded, he knew, he knew so well.  
“Alright. Enough crying, okay? Do you have any idea how much trouble I’ll be in if Gerard comes home and finds you crying?”  
At that Frank laughed, taking the tissue, drying his eyes. 

When Gerard got back, Frank had stopped crying, much to Mikey’s relief.   
But, seeing Frank curled up on the sofa, and with Mikey sat close, his arm around Frank’s shoulders, Gerard could tell something had happened.  
“Everything okay?” He asked, tentatively, going over, and perching on the arm of the couch, beside Frank.   
Frank looked up at him, smiled, nodded.   
“I, um…” Frank started, his voice quiet, unsure. “Me and Mikey talked… About…”  
“He told me about what happened to him, Gee. You don’t have to worry about keeping it secret anymore.”   
Gerard frowned at his brother, “Mikey. What did I tell you?”  
“I didn’t-!”  
“He didn’t make me tell him, Gee. I- I promise. I told him myself. I… I wanted to.”   
Gerard focused back on Frank then. “You sure?”   
Frank nodded.   
“Okay.” Gerard said, bending down to kiss his temple. “You know… That’s the first time you’ve called me Gee?” He whispered.  
Frank looked up at him, “It is?”   
“Yep.”   
Frank just smiled. 

###

“So.” Gerard said, much later, as he tidied away the things from dinner. “You want to talk about Elliot?”  
“Nope.” Mikey replied, immediately.  
Gerard sighed, rolled his eyes.  
“Don’t give me that look.” Mikey told him. “You asked if I wanted to talk. I don’t. End of discussion. You can’t make me talk about someone I don’t want to talk about right now.”   
“But Mikey it-”  
“Gerard.” Mikey said, sternly. “I came here this weekend to get away from Elliot. I don’t want to talk about him. I don’t want to think about him.”  
“You really think that’s healthy? Mikey, you can’t act like he doesn’t exist every time he slips up. Is that how you want to treat everyone?”   
Mikey glared at him. “Yeah, because that’s exactly what I did when-” He stopped. “You know what, Gee? I don’t want to do this. Can we not argue about this, please? I will deal with Elliot when I go home, okay? For now I just… I just want to pretend nothing’s happened.”  
Gerard nodded, pulling his brother forward into a brief, one armed hug. “Okay, you’re right, I’m sorry.”

Frank watched and listened to this exchange carefully.   
In almost equal parts it interested, scared and comforted him.  
It told him that if he ever slipped up, relapsed, he ran the chance of having Mikey ignoring his existence, at least for a while  
But, it also told him, both Gerard and Mikey weren’t the types to give up on people so easily.  
Some part of him knew this, had guessed this already. He knew that if he was ever in that situation, Gerard wouldn’t hesitate to help him.  
It was good to know the same went for Mikey too. 

###

Mikey wanted to sleep early that night, and Gerard agreed, telling him he looked tired.  
“Oh thanks.”  
“I’m only looking out for you.” Gerard insisted.

It did mean that Frank and Gerard were forced out of the living room earlier than expected, and they went to bed not tired at all.

Frank had already changed for bed, and was sat, cross legged in the middle of the bed, it took him a few seconds to realise he was watching Gerard as he changed.   
He looked away quickly, but not before Gerard turned, and saw him.   
Gerard laughed, sitting down on the bed, just in front of Frank. “I don’t mind, you know?”   
Frank didn’t say anything. He was too embarrassed.   
Gerard reached his hand out, brushing back Frank’s hair. “Hey, it’s okay. I only turn around because I know you don’t want me looking at you while you change.”  
Frank nodded.   
Gerard moved closer, having to bend slightly to see Frank’s face. “I don’t mind if you see me.” He said, before kissing Frank, carefully at first, then, almost immediately, deeper, more urgently.   
He brushed his hand over Frank’s cheek, pushing back into his hair, guiding Frank to tip his head back slightly.   
Gerard edged closer, one hand staying on the bed, steadying himself, while the other glanced down Frank’s neck now.  
He parted his lips slightly, felt Frank do the same, he saw that as an invitation, and carefully dipped his tongue into Frank’s mouth.  
“Fuck.” Gerard gasped, happily, “You’re so amazing, how’d I get so lucky?”  
Frank almost replied that he was the lucky one.  
But the truth was, he was still a little overwhelmed by the situation, still reeling and embarrassed from Gerard catching him watching.   
Then he felt Gerard starting to shift, starting to move him, guide him down, onto his back.  
Frank couldn’t think for a second, didn’t know what to do, how to deal with what was happening.   
Then he was on his back, felt weight on top of him, and he couldn’t deal with this anymore.  
He closed his eyes, tight, and pushed Gerard away.   
Gerard sat back, on his heels, frowning.  
Then, suddenly, it all made sense.   
He’d let himself get carried away, he hadn’t meant to, he was usually so careful with Frank, so aware of what he was doing, but this time he’d got careless.   
He couldn’t afford to be careless with Frank, he cared about him far too much.   
He reached out his hand for Frank’s, felt it taken tight as Frank pulled himself back up.   
“I’m sorry.” Gerard said. “I’m- I didn’t mean to-”  
Frank nodded. “I know.”   
He immediately reached for Gerard, wanting him close, just not like that.  
Gerard took him, happily, holding him tight.

They got into bed, tangling close, as usual.   
Frank even kissed Gerard, but Gerard didn’t dare push for anymore than that.

Frank eventually fell asleep. But Gerard couldn’t.  
He kept turning the earlier events round in his head.  
He’d been stupid. He _knew_ not to do things like that to Frank.  
Frank had asked him, specifically, not to get on top of him like that. And Gerard had been so careful not to, he’d been making sure he was so aware of what he was doing.  
Until tonight. He’d got carried away. He knew the idea of Frank watching him had got him a little… Flustered, in a really good way.   
Or a bad way. It really depended how you looked at it,   
No, it was good, but only if Gerard could keep control.  
It was starting to look like maybe he couldn’t.  
And that scared him.   
“I don’t want to hurt you.” Gerard said, quietly.

Then he slipped out of bed, feeling guilty as he heard the soft whine from Frank, immediately missing Gerard, even in sleep.

###

Mikey had been perfectly asleep, until he heard the voice calling his name, persistently.   
And felt the weight of someone sitting on his feet.   
“Gerard… Fuck off.”  
Barely awake, eyes still closed, Mikey attempted to pull the blanket over his head, but it was yanked cruelly off him.   
“Mikey…”   
Mikey sighed, heavily, accepting the fact he wasn’t getting back to sleep anytime soon. Forcing his eyes open, Mikey attempted to sit up, eventually managing it once Gerard lifted himself up, freeing Mikey’s feet again.   
“Sorry” Gerard said, quietly, “I didn’t realise.”   
“What is it Gerard?” Mikey asked, impatiently. He didn’t mean to be so short with him, but no one likes being woken up.   
Gerard settled himself back down at the end of the couch, folding his legs beneath him, facing Mikey.  
Well, kinda, he wasn’t actually looking at Mikey, too busy fiddling with the bottom of the blanket. “Um.” Gerard mumbled.   
“Gerard. Come on, what? You woke me up for a reason, I know that, now tell me-”  
“I need to talk to you about Frank.” Gerard said, all in a rush.   
For a second, Mikey stared at him. “Okay.” He said, slowly. “What about Frank?”   
“I- Um- We-.”  
“Gerard.” Mikey interrupted, wearily, sliding back down on the couch. “Just so you know, this is getting to the point where unless you tell me you’re pregnant, I’m going to decide this news isn’t earth shattering enough to keep me awake.”   
Mikey even closed his eyes in preparation to fall back asleep.   
“Well, that’s kinda unlikely…”  
“Uh huh.” Mikey said, turning over onto his front now. Maybe if he showed he was determined to sleep, Gerard would give up until morning?   
“No, I mean… Not just because it’s physically impossible. That… That’s kinda what I wanted to talk about.”   
Mikey couldn’t help it, he turned back over, opened his eyes again, frowning at his brother. “What?”   
“I… Um… Fuck. Me and Frank… We- We can’t-”  
And then it dawned on Mikey exactly what they were talking about.   
He closed his eyes again. Tight this time, covering his eyes with his hands, also. “Gerard. I do not want to discuss your sex life with you!”   
“We’re not! It’s more… Lack of.”  
“Fucking hell Gee…” Mikey moaned.   
“Please, Mikey, just hear me out. It… It’s Frank. I’m… I’m worried. I don’t think he’ll ever… I don’t think we’ll ever-”  
“Okay. Gerard, if we have to talk about this, I really want to talk in full sentences, okay?” Mikey said, sitting up once again, and this time reaching for his glasses.  
Now Gerard knew his brother was really paying attention.   
He started over. “I’m scared, that after the ordeals he’s had… That Frank will never… Let me close.”  
Mikey stared at him, for what seemed like a very long time.   
“Alright. Let’s get a few things cleared up here. You’re basically telling me that you have a strong suspicion that Frank is going to be… Unable to have sex with you?”  
Gerard nodded. “Besides other things.”   
Mikey closed his eyes again, shivered. “Gerard, I’m being more than a good brother by having this conversation in the first place, don’t bring other shit into this. I don’t wanna know.”  
“I wasn’t-”  
Mikey held up a hand, silencing his brother. “Nope.” He said.   
Then, opening his eyes again, “So, what are you thinking? Are you thinking you’re not sure if you want to be with him because of it or-”  
“No!” Gerard exclaimed, looking startled, and, to Mikey’s surprise, a little scared at the suggestion. “No, of course not. I… I love him. I do. I know that I just- I guess what I’m really scared of is… Damaging him further.”  
Mikey frowned. “How?”   
Gerard shrugged, suddenly enrapt by the blanket threads once again. “If we- End up doing stuff and… What if he has a flashback? What if I add to it all? I- I’d never-”  
Mikey got up then, seeing how distressed Gerard was. He moved to the other end of the couch, pulled Gerard into a tight hug. “Fuck, Gee. This has got you really worried, hasn’t it?”   
Gerard nodded. “I just… I don’t want to hurt him.”   
“My God.” Mikey breathed. “You? Hurt anyone? Are you fucking kidding me?”   
He pulled away from Gerard then, staring intently at him, seeing, feeling the worry now.   
“Alright. Listen to me, Gerard, I can sit here and tell you what to do as much as you want, but I know you already know the answers. So, tell me. Say you and Frank are in bed together, he says he needs to be by himself, he feels uncomfortable. What do you do?”   
Without hesitation, Gerard replied. “Get out of bed, assure him I’m not far if he needs me, come and sleep out here.” Mikey nodded. “Okay, see, you know what you’re doing. Alright, now, say the two of you are in bed in _that_ kind of way. He stops, or asks you to stop, or maybe he just goes really, really still, maybe he starts shaking, or crying. Can you handle that Gerard? What will you do if it happens?”   
That time Gerard did hesitate, he closed his eyes, bowed his head slightly. It was obvious to Mikey that right then _he_ was the one trying not to cry. “Come on Gerard, this is important.” Mikey urged. Then Gerard nodded, slowly looked up again. “I’ve seen Frank in some pretty dark times. I’ve seen him cry. I’ve seen him shaking, and screaming. I’ve seen him in pain and I’ve seen him throw up. I’ve seen him at that really, really bad point, Mikey. That absolute low you get to while you’re trying to get clean. That point just before you turn the corner. I’ve seen all that and yet…   
The thought of him crying because of something I’ve done to him? I can’t-”  
“But it’s not about _you_ , Gerard!” Mikey told him, feeling slightly frustrated. “Any negative reactions he has while he’s in bed with you have nothing, _nothing_ to do with what you’re doing. And I’m sorry if that sounds awful, but it’s true. As hard as this is to take, if something like that happens, it is not you he is seeing. Now, there. There’s the truth of it Gee. Now you have to think about that and you have to figure out if you can deal with that. And you have to figure it out quick because that boy is fucking in love with you, and if you’re going to turn him away you better do it sooner rather than later.”   
For what seemed like a very long time, the brothers just stared at each other. Gerard stunned by Mikey’s words, and Mikey equally amazed by what he’d come out with.   
Fuck. Mikey realised he was already looking at Frank like he was family, like him and Gerard were a done deal, maybe even like they were something as official as being married.   
He’d never, never felt like that with any of Gerard’s past boyfriends.   
That’s what made him feel so sure about Gerard’s answer, before he even said it.   
Gerard frowned slightly, thinking. Then he looked up at Mikey again. “Yes.” He said. “I can deal with that. I don’t- I don’t care how long it takes, or how hard it is. I got him past a lot of his demons, I’ll get him past the rest. I want to. I want Frank to be happy, and, I want to be the one who makes him happy. Because… I love him.”   
Mikey smiled, pleased to hear Gerard say it.  
But then he frowned again, “Gee, you- You do know he might not ever be a hundred per cent okay again, right? You know he might never- Shit. I can’t believe I’m saying this to you but. You do realise you might not actually ever be able to fully be together, right? You know he might not be able to let you… Have sex with him? If the abuse he’s been through is even close to what I think it is… That might be a very real possibility Gee.”   
At that Gerard nodded immediately. He realised, he knew.   
“And… How do you feel about that?” Mikey asked.   
“Sad.” Gerard answered, quickly. “I mean, sad because… Because I want to show him I love him in as many ways as possible but… If that’s how things have to be, then that’s how they have to be, I guess. I don’t want to give him up.”   
Then, finally, Mikey smiled. “I think you just answered all of your own questions, Gee. Congratulations.”   
And Gerard smiled too, shyly. “Thanks Mikey.” He said, quietly.   
“Always.” Mikey said, hugging Gerard once again. “Now, go back to bed. Don’t want Frank waking up and realising you’re not there, do you?” Gerard shook his head, then got up.   
Mikey turned over, laid back down again. “And now I can get back to sleep and work on forgetting I just had a very in depth conversation with my brother about his sex life.”   
Gerard chuckled as he headed back to the bedroom. All earlier worries and trepidations completely erased. 

###

The rest of the weekend passed a little easier, again.  
They didn’t bring up Elliot. And Mikey was true to his word, and stayed out of Gerard’s room.

Difficult subjects were avoided, forgotten during the brief time they allowed themselves to just…  
Be.  
Frank felt himself becoming steadily more comfortable with both brothers, in very different ways, naturally. 

It was once again a sad parting on Sunday evening. But, once again, one full of promises to talk and see each other again soon.  
Frank couldn’t quite manage the tight embrace that the brothers shared, but he was up, next to Gerard this time, as they said goodbye to Mikey.  
Mikey wouldn’t say it, not right then. But it was moments like that, that he really though the two of them looked like a couple.

###

They stayed up later than they should have. Selfishly enjoying the time alone again.  
Frank had been even more unwilling to let Gerard touch him while Mikey was there. As much as he was assured that Mikey wasn’t about to walk in, and that, even if he did, Mikey had no problem with whatever they might be doing, Frank couldn’t shake his uneasiness. 

Now Mikey was gone, Frank felt a little calmer.   
And when they, finally, took themselves to bed, Frank didn’t hesitate once. At least, not at first.

Gerard gently pulled Frank closer, the hand on his waist twisting the fabric of Frank’s t-shirt slightly, pushing it up, Gerard’s fingers briefly, lightly brushing over the small gap of exposed skin beneath.   
Frank reacted more than he’d meant to. Gasped, jerked his body away from Gerard, stopped kissing him immediately. His eyes flew open and he saw Gerard looking back at him, concerned. Frank had seen the glimpse of something else though, Gerard was hurt. Hurt that Frank had reacted like that to his touch, however small, and, Frank knew, it hadn’t even been intentional.   
“I’m sorry.” Frank said, quietly. Wishing there was a way he could assure Gerard that it wasn’t _him_ he’d been reacting to, it was…  
“Do you want me to go?” Gerard asked, making Frank’s heart beat painfully, scared. “I can go and sleep on the couch for the night if you want, if you’re feeling-”  
“I’m not!” Frank insisted, shifting closer again, feeling Gerard’s arms slip around him again (higher up this time) “I don’t.” Frank continued. “I just…” He smiled a little, shyly. “I guess that was the first time something… Like that happened.” Gerard couldn’t help it, he laughed, softly. “Frank, I just barely touched the smallest patch of skin accidentally.” Frank nodded, feeling ever more stupid for his reaction. “I know… It just… I mean…”   
“I know.” Gerard interrupted. “I’m sorry for laughing. And I’ll be more careful, I promise.” He leant forward, then paused, “You’re okay with being kissed right now?”   
Frank beat him to it, his fingers wrapped up in Gerard’s hair, kissing him once, then again, deeper, more urgently. Gerard felt Frank’s tongue glance over his lips, surprised by his boldness.   
Then Frank whispered, “Do it again.”   
“What?” Instead of answering, Frank took Gerard’s hand, sliding it slowly under his shirt. There was still the small part of Frank that wanted to freak out, panic at being touched, but, reminding himself it was Gerard touching him, he overrode that fear.   
Gerard kept his hand still at first, like he didn’t dare move, fearful in his own way. Then, as Frank kissed him again, and pressed himself closer, Gerard realised this was what Frank wanted. Gerard gently trailed his hand up Frank’s body, feeling him shiver slightly beneath his touch.   
Frank couldn’t remember anyone being this gentle with him, it felt so nice.   
In a further act of boldness, Frank lowered his hand from Gerard’s hair. Pulled up Gerard’s shirt slightly, slipping his hand underneath. Gerard gasped, but happily, and Frank took that as an ascent to keep touching him.   
Their hands carefully explored, both understanding how important this was, both surprised how intimate it felt. They were both still clothed, as much as they ever were in bed, and both had experienced much more than this in the past. Still, there were very aware of each other, of each others touch, and they were aware that this felt like a lot more than simply touching.

###

It was the first time in a while that Saint Jimmy had actually been seen out in the bar. Alice had finally got through to him, telling him it was stupid to let everything he worked for crumble and fail now.   
"It doesn't mean you've forgotten about Frank." Alice told him, carefully. "You can still carry on with your... With your search for him, but you can't ignore your business anymore Jimmy, I've done the best I can, but it needs you, Jimmy. And... I think it will be good for you."   
And that, first and foremost, meant being visible in the bar, running things from there again.   
There'd been a steady stream of people all night, all telling him how good it was to see him again, telling him it was a shame about Frank, he'd been a real asset, they hoped Frank would come back soon.   
Then they get to business, asking Jimmy for what they needed, asking what the payment would be.   
Apart from the times they talked about Frank, Jimmy found himself more relaxed than he had been since...   
Anyway, it turned out Alice had been right, this was good for him.   
He'd barely been left alone all night, but he liked it like that.   
He'd made his way back to his usual spot on the bench at the back. The latest client had just left him and Jimmy leant back closing his eyes, a small, content smile on his face.   
"Hey Jimmy, been a while."   
Jimmy opened one eye, he knew that voice, and until he said anything interesting, one eye open was all this guy was getting.   
"You've been missed."   
"I know." Jimmy replied.   
The other guy went silent. Jimmy sighed, he knew exactly what he wanted, it was the same thing he always wanted. This particular client, and acquaintance had a very specific and.. Unique taste, but he was always predictable.   
"You after something pretty to sink your teeth into?" Jimmy said, opening his eyes now, focusing on the man in front of him. Taking in his smart attire, his scruffy hair. His eyes were bright, and wild. He was, as always, staring intently at Jimmy.   
"I heard about Frank." He said. And Jimmy felt himself bristle. "I'm sorry. He was... He was really something. Hey, Jimmy, when you find him, put my name down, okay?"   
That didn't improve Jimmy's mood. "Yeah? Well you're behind a long line. And that's after I get my fill of him."   
"Dunno how much of him will be left after you're done..."   
"I'll be careful with him. He's precious to me."   
The guy nodded. "I understand that. And, Jimmy, for what it's worth, I know what it's like, being separated from the one you-"   
"Your usual, again Sammy?" Jimmy interrupted, not wishing to have to listen to Sammy's whining again.   
Sammy looked slightly put out at being cut off, but still he nodded.   
"Pretty little brunette, slight, right?" Jimmy listed off, he knew Sammy so well. Sammy nodded. "Long hair, preferably."   
"I know your preference Sammy, but we can't always get what we want."   
"Fine."   
"Sounding ungrateful?" Jimmy said, warningly   
"Of course not Jimmy." Sammy insisted.   
"You know, I've lost boys because of you, Sammy, you and your fetish scared them off."   
"Can't have been very tough then, I'm hardly the scariest out there. You know... Frank didn't even flinch."   
"Careful Sammy. Or I'll cut you off completely."   
"Forgive me."   
Saint Jimmy did, and let Sammy have what he wanted. Though it was true, the boys hair wasn't as long as Sammy liked, it was dark, and their body was slim and pale. Close enough.   
Later, when Jimmy went to the red room, check if Sammy was soon to leave, he had someone else waiting.   
He saw Sammy and the boy, on the bed. There was a thin trail of red down the boys back, coming from a small wound on his shoulder.   
And Jimmy heard Sammy calling the boy by a name that wasn't his.

###

Another Monday, and Gerard had just left for work.  
Frank was still in bed, awake, but his eyes were closed.  
He was smiling. Thoughts of the kiss Gerard had given him before leaving for work still lingering.  
Frank never thought of it as a ‘goodbye’ kiss. It was a ‘see you later’ kiss. A promise to return.  
It was always so gentle.  
He really had never known anyone like Gerard, anything like the affection he showed him.  
Frank turned over onto his front, tucking his hands under the pillow.  
Smiled at the thought of having been the one to wake up first this morning. He’d seen Gerard in the exact position he himself was in now. Curled up, only a little of his face visible.   
He still loved waking up next to Gerard. He was starting to find it hard to believe they’re been a time when he hadn’t woken up next to him.   
He thought about the kiss again.  
He hadn’t known kisses like that before he met Gerard.  
Soft, warm, gentle. But still full of passion, love.  
He thought about the way Gerard touched him. Always so carefully, like he was asking permission.  
His thoughts drifted to the night before, Gerard touching his bare skin, and him touching Gerard’s.  
It felt like such a big deal.  
Right now, he could hardly believe he’d been able to let it happen. But at the same time, he wanted more.  
He wanted the confidence to do more, and to let Gerard do more.  
Seeing, and not just touching each others naked skin would be a start.  
Touching more intimately would be something else.  
Frank let himself imagine it.  
Gerard, half naked, leaning over him. Kissing him while his hand slipped past the waistband of Frank’s underwear and-  
Frank yelped, softly, sitting up suddenly.   
Had he really just thought of that?   
He could feel himself panicking, worrying, that little barrier he had in his mind to keep the bad memories away was stretching, bulging, Frank wasn’t sure how long it’d hold.  
But at the same time… He’d liked it. He’d liked thinking about him and Gerard like that. He was even… A little turned on.   
Frank drew his knees up close, buried his face against them. He didn’t know. He didn’t know what he was feeling. He was confused.  
He wanted Gerard there, holding him, kissing his face, stroking his hair, telling him he was okay. It was all okay.  
And, somehow, even the image of Gerard doing that… Calmed Frank down a little.   
He could even imagine what Gerard would tell him.  
It’s okay. It’s natural to be confused about this. But it is okay to have thoughts like that, just like it’s okay to not want to act on them.   
That was the part that was getting Frank.  
He wasn’t sure what he wanted.   
He tried to imagine being with Gerard, like that.   
Tried to imagine being naked with him and-  
Frank’s mind immediately shut itself away from that thought.   
No. No. He couldn’t deal with that, he couldn’t think about that, his brain wouldn’t let him cross into that.   
But it would let him think about Gerard touching him… Like that, so long as they weren’t naked.  
Did this mean Frank was ready for that?   
He really didn’t think so.   
But he liked that it wasn’t so scary to think about.   
Slowly, Frank uncurled himself, and laid back down again. He went back to the softer, calmer thoughts.  
He imagined Gerard was still there, in bed with him, holding him close.

It wasn’t until long past midday that Frank finally brought himself to get out of bed.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank is slowly starting to test what he can and can't handle in a relationship, and we discover an element that is causing him to hold back so much.

Gerard woke up first, and he was vaguely aware it was later than he’d intended to wake up.  
Then he saw Frank, still asleep next to him, and he realised he didn’t really care.  
He kept his eyes open, though really they wanted to close, waiting for Frank to wake up too.  
It seemed to take forever, but Gerard found he didn’t mind that either.  
Finally, Frank opened his eyes, saw Gerard almost immediately, and smiled at him, shyly.  
Gerard found it kinda funny that Frank was still nervous, and shy to wake up in the same bed.  
“Hey.” Gerard said, softly.  
“Hey.” Frank returned, laughing slightly.  
Then he shifted up the bed a little, so he was more level with Gerard, then lent in, gently kissed him.  
Gerard smiled, pleased for the small boldness on Frank’s part. Then he kissed him back. A couple more small, light kisses, then for a little longer.  
Gerard pulled away, aware of the possibility that this could go on a while. “Frank. As much as I’d love to stay here kissing you I… There’s no way I taste nice right now.”  
“I don’t care.” Frank replied, kissing him again.  
Gerard didn’t argue. Realising he also didn’t care that Frank wasn’t exactly all that sweet either right then.  
Mouths opened slightly, brief touches of tongues, just barely gliding over one another.  
Gerard curled his arms around Frank, drawing him in closer. Frank paused briefly, then did the same.  
They stayed like that for what seemed like hours, neither caring in the slightest.

Eventually though, Gerard said, “I don’t know about you… But I’m starving.” The thought had only just occurred to him, but now it had, he couldn’t ignore it.  
Frank smiled, then nodded. “Kinda.”  
“Alright.” Gerard said, sitting up, then jumping down off the bed. “I’ll go find us something.”  
He leant across the bed to kiss Frank once more, then left the room. 

Frank felt immediately fidgety.  
In truth, he’d never really minded being in Gerard’s room. It was nice, comforting, even. It kinda felt like an extension of Gerard, in a way. He felt safe in here.  
But right then, he couldn’t settle.  
He knew full well it was because he wanted Gerard back. Fucking hell, he’d only been gone a couple of minutes and already Frank was practically itching to see him again.  
Frank laid back down, trying to force himself to calm down.  
It didn’t work.  
Sitting up again, annoyed with himself, Frank looked around the room, trying to find something to distract himself with.  
Then he remembered the book Gerard had been reading last night, how he’d leant over Frank to put it in the drawer.  
 _“Can’t you just put it in the drawer next to you?”_ Frank had asked. _“Nope. This is where my books go.”_ Gerard had replied, simply.  
Frank smiled, thinking about it. Then, laying back down again, and rolling onto his front, Frank reached for the drawer, thinking that a book might just do it.  
He opened the top drawer, saw the book in question sitting on top of a collection of notebooks, pens, pencils and a few other random, half read books.  
Frank was so tempted to pick up one of the notebooks, flick through it, see the things Gerard had noted down, what he’d drawn.  
He resisted, knowing that’d be invading Gerard’s privacy. If he wanted Frank to see anything in there, he’d show him.  
Book set on the bed beside him, Frank shut the drawer again.  
Just as he was about to settle down to read, Frank noticed something.  
The second drawer down was slightly open.  
What had that been just now about Gerard’s privacy?  
Curiosity getting the better of him, Frank leaned over again, opened the drawer fully.  
And immediately wished he’d left it alone.  
The first thing he saw was the big-ish cardboard box, slightly worn and crumpled on either end, like it’d been picked up and crushed in hand. The top was gone, clearly torn off, so Frank could see easily inside. Not that he’d needed to look inside, he knew what was in there already.  
Condoms.  
And, littered inside the drawer, torn open and empty wrappers.  
Quite a few.  
And a tube of some kind.  
Again. Frank didn’t need to look.  
Frank stared into the drawer, shocked, but not understanding why he was shocked. He’d known, he knew about Sammy, at least.  
But it wasn’t the same. Between knowing and actually seeing the evidence… That was a hell of a gap.  
He heard Gerard just outside, calling to him, and he hurriedly shut the drawer, hugely embarrassed by what he’d discovered.  
Gerard nudged the door open, a tray of various food in his hand, he grinned as he walked in.  
But then he faltered when he saw the look on Frank’s face.  
“You… Okay?”  
Frank nodded, a little too much, it made Gerard more concerned.  
Frank looked shocked, a little unsettled, and that unsettled Gerard. He set the tray down on the end of the bed, glancing around.  
Then he saw it.  
The drawer was still slightly open.  
Frank watched, horrified as Gerard walked closer, then sat on the bed, right beside him, and pulled the drawer out completely.  
He sighed. Then Frank could hear him shuffling the stuff about, before he closed it completely. “I should’ve cleared that out ages ago… Those condoms are old now and I’m pretty sure the lube will be kinda gross.” He turned himself around, smiled at Frank. But Frank was still just staring at him. Gerard laughed. “What? Did you think I was a virgin or something?”  
No. He hadn’t, well, maybe he had… In a way. It was just…  
Gerard had had sex, with another man.  
Somehow Frank couldn’t wrap his head around it.  
Gerard knew he wasn’t going to be able to just laugh this one off. He turned around, shifted closer. “Frank. Please tell me why this has upset you? I mean… You… You knew, so why-”  
“I don’t know.” Frank sighed, “I- I just…” He trailed off, not knowing what to say, how to explain it.  
Eventually he asked, “Was Sammy the last?”  
Gerard closed his eyes, and Frank felt immediately sorry for bringing the name up.  
Then Gerard shook his head, shifted over to lay down on his back on the other side of Frank before continuing. “Some guy I picked up at a bar… Don’t remember his name.”  
He heard the small gasp, which Frank had desperately tried to hold back, beside him. Gerard glanced at Frank, then turned his attention to the ceiling as he continued. “After Sammy I… Had a bit of a rough patch. I’m not proud of it but… It happened.”  
Frank wasn’t sure what to say to that, he was slightly shocked, he’d expected… He hadn’t expected Gerard to be the type who slept around.  
Frank fidgeted, uncomfortably. He felt unsettled, and he didn’t like feeling unsettled, not around Gerard.  
He wasn’t supposed to feel unsettled around Gerard.  
Gerard looked over at him, watching Frank carefully as he continued to fidget, his eyes everywhere but on Gerard.  
“And now I’ve upset you.” Gerard stated, the regret obvious in his voice.  
Frank said nothing.  
Gerard sat up, thinking about moving closer to Frank, but eventually choosing to stay where he was, for now.  
“Tell me what’s wrong.” Gerard urged.  
Immediately, Frank shook his head. He couldn’t explain it, especially as he didn’t even understand it himself.

Gerard sighed. “Frank… I’m not… I’m not perfect. I’m sorry if that sounds big headed of me that I think you might think that but. I’m not. I make mistakes. Sammy, obviously, was a big one, but he’s not the only one. I… After everything that happened with Sammy I felt… Basically, I felt like no one would want me. And I wasn’t sure if I wanted anyone to want me so I…”  
Gerard paused, closing his eyes as he sighed, deeply. “I fell back on an old habit and I… I let anyone have a go at making me feel wanted.”  
He paused, again, before laughing, humourlessly. “Surprisingly, no one did.”  
Frank was shaking, hearing that Gerard had allowed himself to be treated so poorly.  
“Mikey, of course, snapped me out of it. He knew what I was doing, and after only a couple of weeks he came over, yelled at me. He threw out everything with even a hint of alcohol in it. Then he stayed with me. For… Weeks. Didn’t leave the apartment unless I did, and then he stuck even closer to me. Without him I don’t- I don’t know how I would’ve ended up.”  
Frank closed his eyes, tight as he listened to this. This was all because of Sammy. Everything bad in Gerard’s life was because of Sammy, or so it seemed to Frank anyway.  
“You might’ve ended up like me.” Frank said, quietly.  
Gerard sighed again. "Frank..."  
"Think about it, you could've wandered into the wrong bar. Could've run into Jimmy. Jimmy would love you. Put you to work straight away."  
He looked up at Gerard again, finally.  
He looked scared.  
And now it made more sense to both of them.  
Or, at least, some part of it did.  
"Come here." Gerard said, softly, holding out his arms, and drawing Frank close.  
Frank curled up to him, almost sitting on Gerard's lap.  
He smiled when Gerard pushed his hand through his hair, so he could see his face better.  
"It wasn't a big deal. It was a couple of weeks, getting over a very bad break up. I promise you I am not usually like that. I told you, I wasn't proud of it."  
Frank nodded. He understood. Everything was starting to fall into place now, the world was righting itself again.  
Then, trying to lighten the subject again, Gerard said. "And I'm sorry I'm not a virgin."  
He laughed, then kissed Frank, gently.  
Frank laughed, quietly, which relieved Gerard immensely. Gerard pulled Frank in even closer, squeezing him ever so slightly.  
Frank, happily, let him. 

A little later, after they’d finally eaten the food Gerard had brought in, and curled up, once again, under the covers.  
Though Frank felt a little more settled, his thoughts hadn’t strayed far from the contents of the drawer next to him.  
Only, his thoughts had shifted slightly.  
“Gee.” Frank said, quietly.  
“Hmm?”  
“There was… There was something else, about that drawer I mean.”  
Frowning a little again, Gerard sat up, waiting for Frank to continue.  
Frank sat up also, but kept his eyes fixed on the sheets he was fiddling with.  
“I, um… It got me thinking about… Um.”  
He closed his eyes tight, and kept them closed. “Sex, with, um… I mean… You and me.”  
Gerard stared at Frank, wide eyed.  
As much as Gerard had hoped, and as much as there had been little hints that something _might_ happen. This… Rather blunt admittance from Frank was a shock.  
And, Gerard realised, he hadn’t expected it at all.  
He’d honestly convinced himself… It wasn’t going to happen.  
“Frank are you-”  
“No, I’m not sure.” Frank interrupted, “But… I’m also completely sure. I want… All I know is…”  
He paused again, looked up at Gerard.  
“Not- Not now. And maybe not soon, but…” Again, he stopped, bit his lip, catching his lip ring again in that way that Gerard found completely adorable.  
Gerard reached out, brushed his hand over Frank’s cheek. “I understand.”  
Frank smiled a little, then nodded, allowing himself to shift close once again. 

##

They really weren’t watching the movie this time.  
Something had changed, they were more comfortable, more confident now.  
It wasn’t just Frank, either. Gerard felt more confident, less like he was about to misstep, get pushed away. He always kept it in mind not to push for anything, but still, he felt so much more relaxed, because he could feel Frank was more relaxed.  
Their lips gently touched, moving carefully with each other, picking up on and responding to each others movements perfectly.  
Frank dipped his tongue briefly into Gerard’s mouth, quick to back out again. But still Gerard chased him, until their tongues touched, and Frank gave in to it.

When they went to bed, a little later, they continued like that.

Gerard was surprised, but pleased when he felt Frank’s hands fiddling with his shirt, finally making a bold move, moving under, his fingers gliding across Gerard’s skin.  
Gerard took that as permission to do the same.  
Once again touching, exploring, through neither dared to undress the other yet, neither dared to see.  
Besides, they were getting a pretty clear picture from what their hands were sensing, sending the images back to their brain. Gerard had, of course, seen Frank already, the night they’d discussed scars, but he preferred to block out that memory, act like this was all new.  
Occasionally Frank would jerk away a little, and Gerard always knew he’d run his fingers over one of Frank’s scars. He’d pause, wait to see if Frank would pull away completely, but he didn’t, so Gerard would continue.  
Once again, though so simple, it felt incredibly intimate.  
That became alarmingly apparent when they pressed closer.  
Frank stopped immediately. He stopped everything. Stopping kissing, stopping touching. He just froze.  
It took Gerard a second to figure out why.  
Then he realised that, despite the fact he thought he had amazing self control, he’d become a little too carried away.  
He pulled away, embarrassed, apologetic. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t- I can’t… I can’t help it.”  
Frank was watching him, frowning a little. He didn’t look upset or angry though.  
He looked confused. Curious.  
While Gerard tried to move away further, Frank reached out his hand, under the covers, his fingers reaching Gerard’s thigh first, then moving forward, he hesitated.  
“I- Did I…?” Frank asked, quietly, before letting his hand brush over Gerard’s hard cock.  
Instantly Gerard moved back again, getting away from that hand. “Don’t! Fuck. Fuck I’m sorry, I know. I know, too fast, too much. Fuck. I’m sorry.”  
Frank didn’t reply. He was still frowning. “Did I… Do that?” Frank finally finished his question.  
Gerard stared at him, wide eyed. Now _he_ was confused.  
“I- I mean…” Frank attempted to explain. “It… It’s because of me, right? It-”  
He didn’t know how to explain it though. It wasn’t easy. Whenever he’d been with someone before and they had… This reaction, it was after Frank had done a hell of a lot more to them. And, he knew, it wasn’t really a reaction to _him._  
This… He didn’t understand. They’d only been kissing, touching, and not even… There. How had Gerard got to… This, and so quickly?  
And what did it mean now that he had?  
Gerard reached out his hand to Frank, but he didn’t move closer, like he was scared to. He smiled a little now. “Yes, Frank, of course it’s because of you. But, please. Don’t freak out. I don’t- I don’t expect anything, I can, um, I can deal with this myself.”  
Gerard started to edge even further away, trying to get off the bed carefully.  
But then Frank grabbed his arm, stopped him.  
Gerard paused, waited for what Frank had to say.  
It took a while, and Frank couldn’t quite look at Gerard while he said it, “Come closer.” He said, faintly. But just loud enough to hear.  
Hesitantly, Gerard did as he said, moving back, closer to Frank, but not as close as they had been.  
“Let me… Let me try something.” Frank said, still not quite looking at Gerard.  
Then he reached out, his fingers brushing over the hard on again.  
Gerard grabbed his hand. “Frank.” There was warning, there was questioning in his tone.  
“Let me try.” Frank repeated, sounding more sure, if not any louder.  
Gerard let go of his hand, not completely certain about this.  
But yes, fuck yes he wanted Frank to touch him.  
Frank hesitated, then reached out again, his palm glancing over this time, making Gerard wince with suppressed pleasure.  
Then Frank applied a little more pressure.  
Gerard couldn’t hold back his gasp, and Frank finally looked up then. He saw Gerard’s eyes closed, a small frown of pleasure on his face. He opened his eyes, and saw Frank watching him.  
Frank started to move his hand, rubbing gently, slowly.  
Gerard closed his eyes again, his breathing picking up.  
Frank moved his hand a little faster, producing a soft moan from Gerard.  
Frank was very aware, once again, that this was different to any other times he’d given a guy a hand job.  
For one, he wasn’t even touching Gerard, not completely anyway, this was all going on through a layer of fabric.  
And, for another, he knew he could stop if he wanted. Gerard might be disappointed if he did, but he wouldn’t be in trouble for it, Gerard had even tried to talk him out of it.  
And, another thing.  
He actually wanted to do this.  
He wanted to get Gerard off, he knew he couldn’t do it any other way, not yet, but. Now the opportunity had presented itself (however unannounced) he wanted to do it.  
Or, at least, he wanted to see if he could.  
Gerard grabbed Frank’s other hand then, squeezing tight.  
He was breathing even heavier now, moaning at irregular intervals.  
“Frank.” He gasped. “St- stop now, stop. If you keep going I-”  
Frank kept going, he lent down, kissed Gerard, and, as he was still over him, he sped up his hand a little more.  
Gerard closed his eyes even tighter, tipping his head back slightly as he moaned once, then again, louder.  
Frank felt the fabric beneath his hand dampen, and, he realised that with amazing ease, he’d achieved his goal.

Gerard quickly slipped out of bed, changing his shorts before getting back in.  
“I, uh, I don’t usually come that quick, honest, I just…” He stopped his muttered apologies to focus on Frank properly once more.  
“You okay with what just happened?” He asked.  
Frank looked up at Gerard, then nodded, before averting his gaze again.  
“Okay, then don’t go silent on me, please. Frank, if you… If you’re not alright with what happened, tell me.”  
“I’m fine.” Frank insisted.  
“So…” Gerard guided, knowing there was more to it.  
“Nothing. I just… I just wasn’t expecting it.”  
Gerard had a feeling he wasn’t getting a better explanation than that, because Frank didn’t understand it himself. Not fully anyway, not enough to put it in words. 

Why did he get the feeling they’d so nearly taken a step forward, and ended up taking a massive step back?

##

Alice wondered exactly when she'd become the agony aunt of the clients and employees of The Phoenix.  
Well, that was slightly untrue. It wasn't everyone, not by the long stretch.  
Jimmy she'd pretty much always looked out for, simply because no one else would, and Jimmy wasn't exactly great at saying when something was wrong.  
Johnny... Johnny she'd always been there for, as the second person closest to Jimmy, he went through a lot. It was as if, between them, they were just about able to deal with Jimmy (most of the time)  
And... Frank. Frank hadn't come to her, hadn't asked for help, hadn't realised he'd needed help until it was far too late. But still, Alice had tried.  
Jimmy had asked her why, why did she care?  
It was something Alice wasn't willing to explain, or even fully justify to herself.  
 _He needed my help. He needed protecting. I'm just sorry I didn't manage to help him enough._

Those three were fine, explainable, Alice had taken them on herself, already giving herself more stress and worry than she ever needed to.  
Now, somehow, others seemed to get the idea she was a shoulder to cry on. Though she had no idea how, she’d never advertised the fact, and she was certain Frank hadn’t said anything. He hadn’t really spent much time with the other boys, when he wasn’t working, he was with Jimmy. There was rarely a third option. And, in the weeks leading up to his disappearance, Alice hadn’t been able to spend more than a few seconds with him, asking how he was.  
She hadn’t needed to ask, of course. It was obvious.  
Alice remembered, clearly, the last time she’d seen Frank, the night before he went missing, dashing to the back of the bar, his eyes fixed on _that_ door.  
She hadn’t seen him for days, she’d wanted to check on him.  
Alice had caught his arm as he went past, and he immediately flinched away.  
So like the others.  
Alice had been surprised by how thin his arm had felt, half the reason she let got was because she was scared of hurting him as he twisted away.  
A look of suspicion flung her way before Frank realised who’d grabbed him.  
His featured had softened when he saw Alice, but it didn’t hide how much he’d changed over the past few months.  
He didn’t even let her get any words out.  
 _“I have to-”_ Nervous glance at the door. _“I’ve got a lot of places to go tonight, but. I need to talk to you, soon, okay?”_  
Alice had, naturally, agreed, wondering what he wanted to talk about.  
He’d run off again while she was still thinking that over. 

Now, again, Alice wondered what he’d wanted to talk to her about.  
Perhaps it was about getting free, getting away, but he’d figured out a way to do it quicker than expected.  
She more than forgave him for not saying goodbye. 

On a separate issue (and, really, back to the original one), a few of Jimmy's other errand boys, all feeling overworked after Franks absence (Jimmy had never replaced him. If asked, Jimmy would say he'd forgotten, but Alice, and Johnny knew, he just wouldn't fill Franks place. It'd be like admitting he'd really given up in finding him) had also started coming to Alice.  
"I heard you were nice to Frank... Kind. I could- I could do with someone being a little kind..."  
Most Alice would send away, telling them she can't help them all.  
She'd feel bad about it after, even though it was true.

One boy in particular, who’d born a lot of the brunt of the work directly after Frank disappeared, had come to Alice time and again.  
Will had been with Saint Jimmy a good few years now, a solid part of the ‘team’. But, like everyone remotely close to Jimmy, he’d found it difficult the last couple of months. 

It was difficult for Alice to send him away, tell him she couldn’t help. He had slightly similar features to Frank, though no where near as beautiful.  
It was probably why he’d been sent to deal with clients who had Frank as a favourite.  
None had been happy with a substitute.  
Alice had seen him tending to all kinds of injuries, even seen Jimmy help patch him up.  
He was hard on his boys, but Jimmy wasn’t completely heartless, and he’d at least help them when they were injured.  
Of course, Jimmy was no doctor, so he’d made mistakes, but he tried, at least.

One thing Alice was getting very, very sick of though, was the guys in Jimmy’s gang who also though she was someone to whine at.  
Sammy in particular she’d very much like to slap and tell to move the fuck on.  
Actually, she had done that once.  
Not that it did much good. 

Tonight, however, Alice had been left in peace, so she sat, happily on the bench seat, watching Jimmy make his usual deals. Watching Johnny, constantly close to Jimmy, clearly trying his best to be the centre of Jimmy’s attention.  
And, finally, watching everyone else in The Phoenix, watching Jimmy’s crazy little underworld, a living, breathing thing, it almost looked to her.  
At times, she truly admired what Jimmy had created. 

##

The night after the… Small incident, Gerard had become hyperaware of his actions once again.  
It was a couple of nights before Frank was the one to make the first move, prolonging their goodnight kiss before going to sleep into something more passionate.  
That was the indicator that Frank had moved past whatever had happened the other night, at least enough for them to get back to the same intimacy as before. 

It was a couple of nights on from that, and Gerard waited for Frank to kiss him again, which came quick, along with a daring flick of tongue that Gerard had been half tempted to catch between his teeth.  
Their legs were tangled up together, their bodies pressed close, hands kept wandering and gliding under shirts, exploring skin.  
And Gerard currently felt like every little touch from Frank was slowly setting him on fire. But the very best kind of fire.  
They’d started getting more used to this, Frank was getting bolder, more comfortable. Still, they were going slow, careful. And Gerard was more than fine with that. Their relationship was so much more than just physical, so much more than just lust.  
Right now though, with Frank’s hands pressed against his back, drawing him even tighter, holding him closer, and with Frank’s lips only leaving his for mere seconds Gerard was having a hard time trying to remember that.  
Or, more accurately, he remembered, he knew. Just like he knew not to push Frank, he didn’t want to push Frank. But there was something, deep in him, want. Need.  
He ached and burned, like his skin where Frank’s fingers touched it. He knew it was wrong, but all of a sudden he wanted to rush, wanted to push.  
Fuck. Gerard just wanted _him._  
Before he’d even finished thinking about it, Gerard had pushed Frank onto his back, and kissed him, gently, despite all the lust building up inside him.  
“Gerard.” Frank said, breathless from kissing, from all of it. “What’re you doing?”  
Gerard smiled at him, “Don’t worry, something good.” He promised.  
Then, hands firmly planted either side of Frank, Gerard moved himself down Frank’s body He pushed up Frank’s shirt, kissed his stomach, causing Frank to make an odd, kinda whimpering noise, but a happy one.  
Then Gerard kept kissing down.  
And Frank went silent. And still.  
“Gerard.” He said, quietly.  
Gerard continued kissing down, slowly started pulling down Frank’s boxers as he did.  
He wanted to do something, but specifically do something for Frank, to give him something.  
When he heard the scream, Gerard suddenly realised his huge error of judgement.  
He sat up just in time to not be smacked in the face by Frank’s knees as he curled in on himself, huddled up at the top of the bed, staring at Gerard with a heart breaking look of fear.  
And Gerard realised Frank hadn’t just screamed, he’d screamed Gerard’s name.  
“Oh fuck.” Gerard breathed, realising how much potential damage he’d just done.  
He moved up, getting close, but not too close to Frank.  
He saw Frank was shaking.  
“Frank, I am so sorry I- Please don’t think I meant to hurt you.”  
Frank’s eyes had glazed over, and it was clear he wasn’t listening, possibly wasn’t even seeing Gerard.  
Fuck. What had he done?  
“Frank. Please.” He desperately wanted to reach out, touch his arm, something, anything to reassure him. But he was scared that would make Frank retreat more.  
Then Frank blinked, fast, taking Gerard in again. For a second Gerard saw a look of relief, which he was certain would be mirrored in his own eyes, before Frank turned away from him, burying his face in the pillows.  
Gerard dared to get closer now, and tentatively put a hand on Frank’s back, feeling him shaking beneath his touch.  
“Frank?”  
“I’m sorry.” Came the muffled reply. It wasn’t what Gerard had been expecting. Frank turned on his side slightly, so he could talk. “I just… I don’t…”  
“I know.” Gerard said. “And I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.” Then, again surprising Gerard, Frank shook his head. “It’s not that. I- I trust you, and I want to, but…”  
Then he trailed off, either not knowing or not wanting to finish the sentence.  
Gerard laid back down beside Frank, still keeping a slight distance, giving Frank space.  
Eventually Frank found the words. “I’m so… Unclean, so… Tainted. And I’m… I’m scared of what that will mean for you if you touch me.”  
And suddenly it was very clear that this time Frank wasn’t just talking in metaphors. He meant literally dirty.  
That didn’t explain the shaking, but Gerard wasn’t going to bring that up.  
“Oh.” Gerard said, reaching out, pushing his fingers lightly through Frank’s hair. “You think you’ve…” He struggled to find a way to put this that wouldn’t sound too bad. It turned out there wasn’t one, not that he could think of anyway. “Um, got… Something?”  
Frank looked away, fidgeting slightly, uneasily, embarrassed. “I don’t…. I don’t know.” He admitted, quietly. “I…” Then he looked back up again, and there was that scared look again. Gerard wished he didn’t know that look so well. “Gerard, I’ve… Had a lot of… Well, I’ve been fucked, a lot. And… Other stuff. And… I guess when drugs and alcohol are involved you don’t always remember things like, um, protection and… Stuff.”  
Frank couldn’t believe what he’d just said, he’d basically just told Gerard he had an std (at least one, possibly more, who could tell) and Gerard would be better off not touching him.  
In truth he was half expecting Gerard to tell him to get out of his bed right now.  
He felt so bad for underestimating him.  
“Okay.” Gerard said, nodding. “Well… For your own health if nothing else… How about tomorrow we go down to the clinic. That way, if there is anything, we can fix it.”  
Frank was instantly torn between utter, pure relief, gratitude. And cold, hard fear.  
Gerard sensed the fear immediately, and guessed what it was about. “Frank, I promise you, he’s not going to find you. You’ll be okay.”  
Frank wasn’t convinced, but still he nodded. And then found himself enveloped in Gerard’s arms, pulled close again. Gerard’s lips pressed lightly against his forehead, then bent to meet his lips. “You’ll be okay.” Gerard repeated.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In order to allow himself to feel more secure in his own skin, and in his ability to allow Gerard near, Frank has to face the things that scare him the most.  
> With Gerard there, things are easier, but it was never going to be simple.

“Frank!”   
He heard Gerard calling him, he knew he’d been in here a long time, but he couldn’t see himself getting out anytime soon.   
Ever since he’d been staying with Gerard the shower had started feeling like some sort of therapy to Frank. His way of feeling clean, in more ways than one. Sure, there’d been a shower at Jimmy’s place, but it was so dirty itself you came out of it almost feeling worse. Here, however, the bathroom was clean, cream colour everywhere, everything soft edges. Everything smelt nice too, the shampoo, the shower gel, everything. He liked that when he came out of the shower he kinda shared the same smell as Gerard, it was comforting.   
Then there was the more simple part of it, the jet of water, it was good and strong and fucking hot if he turned it up enough. Felt like it was washing everything away, burning away what it couldn’t wash. Just for a little while, after getting out of the shower, Frank would feel… Okay. Clean. Cleansed. Pure. He felt like, if he let anyone other than Gerard see him, he could deal with that, and not be thinking about how they could see him. Like maybe they’d see the shiny, clean surface and then stop looking for the dirt underneath.  
Today was something else entirely, however.   
Today they were going somewhere where they would be looking, specifically looking for any signs of him being unclean. They’d ask him questions and then physically look. He was going to be naked, physically and emotionally in a room while someone inspected and took note.   
The very thought terrified him.   
So he hit the shower up as high as it would go, standing underneath the scorching water, scrubbing at his skin.

Gerard knew Frank liked to take his time in the shower, but this was ridiculous. He’d been up, washed before Frank got out of bed, then, after nudging Frank awake, reminding him where they were going, Gerard had started to get dressed. After that Gerard had attempted to pass the time productively while he waited for Frank, but he was nervous.   
Mostly nervous for Frank, he knew this was going to be difficult, but he didn’t see another way to deal with this ’unclean’ mentality Frank had towards himself.   
He was also nervous that Frank would refuse to go, or get so far and then insist on coming back. Frank would only loose confidence and possibly get even more insecure if he did that.   
He was nervous because he knew he had to find some way to tell the staff at the clinic that they had to go especially slowly, and carefully with Frank, hint that he’d been through a rough time.   
And. Okay, yes. He was nervous about the results. Not because he’d be disgusted if one of the tests came up positive, but because he knew what that would do to Frank if one of them did.   
Basically, he wanted this over and done with as quick as possible. 

He called to Frank again, but still got no answer. He went to the bathroom door, surprised to hear the shower still going, he knocked on the door, before calling out again, slightly worried now.   
When he still didn’t get an answer, Gerard decided now was a good time to break one of the rules he’d promised to Frank. He opened the lockless door and went inside.   
It was so warm inside the bathroom it felt like a physical barrier, and Gerard felt instantly uncomfortable. Steam was thick on the mirror and he could see tendrils of it coming from behind the shower curtain.   
Gerard called out again, quieter. He still didn’t get a reply, but by now Gerard was pretty sure he knew where he was going to find Frank.  
He walked slowly over to the shower, cautious.   
Stood for what seemed like an eternity beside the tub, just staring at the shower curtain, trying to see Frank’s shape against it, but saw nothing.   
Then, saying now rather than calling, “Frank?” His voice was unsteady now, worried. Then Gerard slipped his hand past the curtain, reaching in to turn the water off.   
As he did, he heard a small whimper.   
It was enough to shatter him to pieces.   
Slowly, once again worried, Gerard pulled the curtain back a little more.   
He was shocked but, honestly, not surprised by what he saw.  
Frank was sat on the floor of the tub, huddled up, his arms around his knees, which were drawn up to his chest, his head was buried in his arms.   
“Oh, Frankie…” Gerard’s voice barely came out a whisper, but still Frank reacted to it, looking up slightly to see who’d said his name, as if he didn’t know.   
“You promised you wouldn’t come in.” Frank said, quietly, his voice further muffled as he lowered his head to his arms again. Gerard nodded, though for whose benefit he didn’t know, it wasn’t like Frank could see him. “Yeah.” He admitted, as he lowered himself to his knees beside the tub. “I did. But I was getting worried about you.”   
When Frank didn’t respond, Gerard prompted him. “Frank.”  
“They’re going to be looking at me.” Frank said, hurriedly, like he thought if he didn’t get the words out quickly, he wouldn’t get them out at all.   
Gerard sighed slightly, he’d known something like this would happen. “Oh, Fr-”  
“They’re going to look at me and stare at me and take notice of everything and write everything down and they’re- they’re going to see me!”   
Gerard reached his hand over, placing it on Frank’s back, he was warm, slightly red from the hot water that’d been hitting him, still wet too. Frank flinched briefly at the contact, but relaxed quickly.   
“Shh.” Gerard soothed, running his hand over Frank’s back now. “Frank, please calm down. Okay?”   
“They’re going to-”  
“I know.” Gerard interrupted, carrying on quickly before Frank could get going again. “Yes, they are going to be looking at you, but they are not going to be looking to criticise you. They are going to be checking to make sure you’re okay.”  
“They’re going to know-”  
“Know what? Know that you’ve had a hard time? Possibly, but that is not what they are there for. Their job is purely medical.”   
“But-”  
“Frank.” Gerard moved his hand, reaching for Frank’s face, placing it gently on his cheek, encouraging him to look up, to look at him. “I’m not going to force you to go, but I think you should. I think it’ll help. Frank, I want to be close to you, but you’re not going to stop pushing me away until-”  
“I’m sorry about last night.” Frank muttered.   
“Don’t be.” Gerard told him. “I get it. I just… I want you to feel comfortable, in your own skin, and around me. And I don’t think that’s going to happen unless we do this today.”   
Frank nodded. It was almost exactly what he’d been thinking. How he was never going to get away from this. He was never going to get away from that nasty voice in his head, telling him he was unclean, shouldn’t be touched. Especially not by Gerard. He cared about Gerard, therefore he should want to protect him. And the way to protect him was to not touch him, to not let him touch.   
But the problem was Frank wanted all that. Badly. All the things that’d previously been forced upon him by men he hated or didn’t give a fuck about, who hurt him and used him, all those things he’d done with them, he wanted to do with Gerard. But the right way, now he’d been shown there was a right way, there was a good way. Gerard had been the one to show him that, and now, now he just wanted more.   
The problem was getting over this fear, this voice.  
And yes, Gerard was right, this was something that needed to be done. However much that scared him.   
“Will-” Frank faltered. “Will you come in with me?” He’d feel safer if Gerard was there, he knew that. But Gerard shook his head. “I don’t think they allow that, I’ll ask, but I don’t think so.” When he saw the worried look on Frank’s face, Gerard quickly assured, “I will be right outside though, I’ll be right there.” Then Frank nodded, and Gerard smiled at him, pushed his fingers gently through Frank’s wet hair. “Come out of here soon, okay?” Frank nodded again, and smiled back. Gerard kissed him, lightly, before getting to his feet to leave. 

Gerard stepped out, closed the door behind him, knowing that Frank wouldn’t have wanted him to stay, not while he was getting out of the shower. He’d known the reason Frank had stayed curled up, he didn’t want to be seen, the whole point of the conversation. He didn’t even want Gerard seeing him, naked, and Gerard knew it wasn’t a stretch to say he was the person Frank trusted most. The thought of strangers seeing him naked, it would’ve unnerved anyone. But when you’re used to people treating you the way Frank had been treated… Only makes things worse.   
Gerard sighed when he heard the shower come back on.   
“Whenever you’re ready, Frank.”

##

It took a long time, but eventually they left the apartment.  
Gerard had waited, patiently by the door until Frank finally came out of the bedroom again. He was hunched up, head down, hands stuffed in the pockets of his jeans.  
Gerard felt so sorry, he knew Frank didn't want to go out, but they had to do this.  
He pulled something down from the coat rack by the door, one of his old hoodies. He knew it would be too big on Frank, but he needed something to protect him from the cold outside.  
Also, Gerard suspected the largeness if the item might be at least a small comfort to Frank.  
"Here." He said, offering it.  
Frank took it, gratefully, slipping it on. Gerard had been right, it was too big, a little long. But after he pulled up the zip, Frank looked up at Gerard, smiled at him, just a little.  
Gerard couldn't help it, he pulled Frank close, holding him gently.  
"Okay?"  
Frank nodded.  
Gerard kissed him, very carefully on the cheek, then took his hand.

As soon as they were out of the door, Frank pulled his hood up.  
He gripped Gerard's hand even tighter than before when they stepped outside.  
"It's okay." Gerard assured him, quietly. Frank nodded, though he didn't believe it.  
This was strange, it was the first time Frank had been outside in months. He suddenly felt exactly like he had when he first got to the city. Very, very small.  
He didn't feel free though, not like he had before. He felt more enclosed here than he ever had in Gerard's apartment. He felt watched. Like someone, at least one someone was watching his every move.  
Ready to report back to Jimmy.  
To drag him back.  
With one hand, the other still clutching Gerard's, Frank tugged the hood further down over his eyes, hoping, desperately to hide.

Gerard watched him. Could feel in the hand that held his how tense Frank was. They were walking fast, which suited Gerard fine, but he knew it was out of anxiousness to get out of the open that drew them on.  
He rubbed his thumb gently over the back of Franks hand, reassuringly.  
Frank dared a glance up at him, and, God, it hurt to see the fear in those eyes again. It reminded Gerard exactly of the way Frank had been, right at the very beginning.  
Was he doing the right thing?  
Of course, despite the doubt, Gerard knew this was right. This was for Franks health after all.  
And so there was a chance they could become even closer. Maybe, eventually sleep together.  
The second part was selfish, Gerard knew that, but the first wasn't, and really, that was Gerard's main concern.  
Gerard sped up his pace, knowing Frank would be grateful for it.

Gerard had been here a couple of times now. The first had been just after he started seeing his first boyfriend. Mikey had been worried, having recently stumbled across the knowledge of std's, suspecting, but not knowing for certain that Gerard had been sleeping with this guy.  
The only way to stop Mikey's persistent nagging had been to allow him to drag Gerard down here.  
He'd hated it, he'd still been a teenager and easily embarrassed, especially when it came to these sorts of things. He'd also half expected a lecture from them. He'd been of legal age already, but he was still worried.  
Not least because he was also gay.

_"Mikey... What if I just promise I've never-"  
Mikey gave Gerard a stern, disbelieving look. And so he gave up quickly, sighing as he slumped back into the chair.  
"I've always been careful." Gerard whispered, leaning closer again.  
Mikey didn't even look at him that time. "Don't care."  
"Mikey." Gerard whined. "Please. I don't like this. I told you I'm careful, I know what I'm doing okay, I don't need-"  
His name being called out interrupted his sentence._

Yes. Gerard had still been nervous and awkward at first. But it'd been... Okay. No one made any remarks on how young he was, or the fact he was gay. Both things Gerard was pleased of. He was surprised by how comfortable he eventually felt. It was a woman who saw him, and, though even by then Gerard had suspected he might be bisexual, he felt happier in her presence. She'd been very kind, and didn't rush him.  
And, roughly a week later he'd been able to fully shut Mikey up with the results.

Since then, Gerard had gone back a few times. Just check ups mostly, usually just as he got into a new relationship. Only once had he actually been worried about something.  
So. He knew the score, and he knew they were good here, and would be good to Frank.  
It didn't stop him worrying though.

They got outside the place, and Frank tried to let go of Gerard's hand.  
Gerard was immediately reminded of times he'd been out with Mikey, when they were younger, and Mikey had wiggled his hand free of his, only to run off, leaving Gerard to have to run after him.  
He had a real feeling that was what was going to happen if Frank let go.  
Of course, Mikey had been good training, Gerard was more than capable of keeping hold of a wriggling hand.  
"Gerard." Frank said, quietly, as they walked in the door. "I don't- I'm-"  
"You're okay, Frank, I promise." Gerard assured, his arm going around Franks shoulders now. Slightly tight, comforting.  
Frank took the place in.  
So white.  
The waiting area seemed huge, the seating very spread out. There were low couches instead of the hard plastic chairs Frank had been expecting.  
Posters neatly lined the walls and despite the lack of natural light, the place seemed bright, airy.  
Frank was still terrified.  
There were a couple of people dotted around, waiting. A few young women, sitting alone, some reading books, magazines, others just staring at the clock on the wall.  
There was one couple there, man and a woman, holding their hands on the woman's lap.  
Only two other men on their own. Sat far apart. One was dressed in a suit, his jacket on the couch next to him, kept checking his watch. He looked a little older than Gerard, and healthy.  
The other one was hunched down. He looked decidedly unhealthy. Too thin, his skin looked almost grey, his hair and clothes were a mess.  
Frank looked, but not too closely.  
Something about that guy reminded him of one of Saint Jimmy's boys... Would Jimmy have stationed someone here? Frank didn't know.  
The guy looked up, straight at Frank, and Frank felt his heart rate speed up, almost painfully.  
Then it quickly subsided.  
He didn't recognise him.  
Frank felt a little calmer again. Until he remembered where he was, and why.  
Gerard pulled him in a little closer, "I'll sort everything out, you can go and sit down."  
Frank shook his head. He didn't want to let Gerard go.  
"Frank." Gerard soothed, "it's okay, you'll be fine in here. No ones watching you. Everyone's too concerned about themselves, I promise you."  
Frank said nothing.  
"Frank. Please."  
Finally, Frank reluctantly let Gerard slip his arm off his shoulders, and he headed over to the seats, careful to avoid everyone.

Gerard watched him go, waited until he saw him sat down, then went over to the counter.  
The girl behind the desk was young, her fair hair tied back in a neat ponytail. Gerard thought maybe he recognised her, but he couldn't be sure.  
"Do you have an appointment booked?"  
Gerard told her he didn't.  
"And, actually it's for my boyfriend." Gerard paused, smiled. He really did like saying that.  
The girl looked up, smiled at him, then looked past him, trying to see the new addition to those waiting. She caught sight of Frank and nodded. "Okay. We do have space for him, you're lucky, today has been pretty quiet."  
Gerard thanked her.  
"Has he ever been seen here before?"  
"No, he hasn't." Gerard told her. "I, um, I have a few things to ask you, if that's okay?"  
She said of course.  
"Well... It's the first time he's been anywhere like this, and he's really nervous, so I was wondering if I-"  
She was already shaking her head. "I'm sorry, no. We can't allow it. We've had issues in the past. People being in the room, making the other person uncomfortable, making the doctors job harder." She really did sound sorry, and she quickly added, "I'm not saying you would, you look genuinely concerned. But I still have to say no."  
Gerard nodded. "Yeah. I thought that, but I had to ask, he wanted me to."  
The girl smiled, softly again. "Anything else before I take your boyfriends details?"  
Gerard hesitated, unsure how to put the next thing, but knowing he had to say something, it was just as in important as the first thing, more so now he'd been told no.  
"Um. Yeah... Look. I don't know how much you can do about this but... Can you tell the doctor to be... Careful with Frank?"  
The girl frowned. "I'm not sure I understand."  
Gerard fidgeted, nervously, picking his words carefully. "He... Um. Before I met him, he... He's had a really bad time, and he... He’s more uncomfortable than most when it comes to... These sorts of things. Because, um, because of the way he's been treated."  
The girl was looking more concerned, more serious. Somehow, she seemed able to decipher Gerard's jumble of words. "Are you saying he's been abused?"  
Gerard nodded, suddenly unable to look up anymore.  
"Do you want to make an official report?"  
"I wish I could." Gerard said, regretfully.  
"You realise you've just said a very serious thing, don't you?" The girls voice was soft, gentle.  
Gerard snapped his gaze up "oh, I know it." He sighed. "It's just... I don't know enough, and he won't talk about it. So please don't-"  
"I understand. We're used to being discrete. And I'll make sure the doctor gets the message not to rush, Frank, was it?"  
Gerard nodded. "Yes. Thank you. Really. Thank you."  
After that, Gerard finished off setting up the appointment.  
"You know, it's really good of you to be getting him to do this, a lot of young guys don't." The girl commented.  
"Yeah, I don't exactly enjoy it, but it's important, I get that. I just..." Gerard paused, glancing back at Frank, looking back before Frank could notice. "I want him to be okay."  
Realising what he'd just said, Gerard laughed, quietly. "I'm sorry."  
The girl shook her head. "No, it's fine. It's cute." Then she looked up, smiled. "He's lucky."  
Gerard just smiled back, slightly embarrassed by the comment, but pleased for it.

Finally he was able to go back to Frank, who jumped up off his seat as he saw Gerard coming to him.  
"Got a bit of a wait, but it'll be fine." Gerard told him.  
Frank looked both relieved and disappointed.  
Part of him was relived he didn't have to come back here, try again, which is what he knew would've happened if they hadn't been able to see him today, but still disappointed, scared he was going to have to go through with it.  
As they sat down, Frank asked, quietly, "did you ask if you could...?"  
"I asked." Gerard assured. "But I can't, I'm sorry."  
Frank felt even more worried now. A small part of him had hung on to the hope that he'd have Gerard with him, he would've been okay with Gerard there. No one could hurt him with Gerard there.  
Now that wasn't happening, for definite, and Frank felt even less willing to go through with this.  
Gerard saw the look, knew what it meant, why. He took Franks hands, holding them tight. "I'll be right outside, okay? You need me for anything, just shout. See them try to stop me going through that door."  
Frank smiled gratefully.

When they called out Franks name, Franks hand grew even tighter on Gerard's.  
"It's okay, I'll walk you up." Gerard said, quietly.  
Frank nodded, but only got to his feet when Gerard did.

It was only a small corridor, but it felt like it was stretching out further in front of Frank, prolonging the horrid anticipation of having to go in through one of those doors.  
When they saw one door open, they knew that was the one.  
A woman stood in the doorway, she looked smart, but not overly 'clinical'.  
Gerard smiled, it was the same doctor he'd seen the first time he was here, and a few times since.  
It put his mind further at rest, Frank was in good hands.  
"Frank Iero?"  
Frank nodded, then looked to Gerard.  
Gerard squeezed he hand, then pulled him into a hug. "I told you, right outside."  
Frank nodded again.  
"Go on in, Frank." The doctor said, gently.  
Reluctantly, Frank let go of Gerard, and went inside.  
The doctor stayed at the door, she smiled at Gerard. "Don't worry, I got the message. He's in safe hands."  
Gerard nodded. "I know."  
"You know, if I could allow you to stay with him, I would but-"  
"I know." Gerard said again.

Frank went in, taking in his surroundings, once again. The room was small, but despite the many things in there, it still felt like there was a lot of space.  
There was a desk, with a monitor, the screen filled with official looking data.  
Two chairs.  
Frank sat on the one not tucked under the desk, his hands slipping under his thighs, keeping then still.  
He kept his eyes off the bed.  
 _Don't make me don't make me don't make me don't make me._  
He had the horrible feeling that silent prayer was in vain.  
The doctor came back in, Frank looked up, but didn't meet her eyes.  
"Alright, Frank." She said, pulling out the other chair and sitting down. "I'm gonna ask you a few things first, okay?"  
Frank nodded. Though really it wasn't okay. It wasn't okay at all.

Gerard stayed outside, leant against the wall. His gaze fixed on the door as he tried to listen in (though he also felt guilty for doing so).  
He couldn't hear, of course, but he couldn't help but try to listen.  
Only once did he leave his post, and that was to go back up to the front desk.  
It didn't take long for him to get his own appointment booked in.  
"We have a space right now if you-"  
Gerard shook his head. "I kinda promised I'd be right outside... And I know he won't want to stay after."  
The girl nodded in understanding.

Gerard returned to his place outside the door, fidgeting now, wondering if Frank was doing okay  
Eventually the door opened, the doctor stepped out first, and smiled at Gerard.  
He couldn't smile back, not yet, not until he saw Frank.  
He came into view, and Gerard was relieved to see Frank looked... Calm. He didn't look exactly happy, but he didn't look terrified or panicked either. He looked... He looked okay.  
Now Gerard allowed himself a smile.  
"Well, I feel we did pretty good in there, Gerard I believe the results are being sent to you?"  
"Yes, Frank's living with me. So it'll go to my apartment." Gerard replied, holding his hand out for Frank to take. Which he did, and Gerard curled his arm around Franks shoulders.  
"I trust I don't have to tell you the results are confidential."  
"I don't mind Gerard seeing." Frank said, his voice very small.  
He sounded even quieter than he had earlier.  
It was Gerard's first clue that something was wrong.  
Hurriedly he assured the doctor that he knew and understood, thanked her again, then led Frank out.  
"You okay?" Gerard asked as they headed down the corridor.  
Frank nodded.  
And though Gerard desperately wanted to ask, he didn't dare push.  
There was something fragile about Frank right now.

Gerard kept his arm around Franks shoulders, until they got to the door, then taking his hand again, as an easier way to get them through the crowds.  
It didn't take long for Gerard to realise Frank wasn't alright.

The hand holding his steadily tightened, causing Gerard to look, and notice Frank’s other hand was in a tight fist.   
“Frank.” He said, carefully.  
Frank didn’t respond, didn’t look up, his eyes fixed on the ground in front of him.   
Gerard stopped, having to pull Frank’s hand to get him to stop as well.   
“Frank?” Gerard tried again.  
Still not getting any response, Gerard pulled Frank over to the side of the sidewalk, out of the way, he looked, carefully at Frank. Hand under his chin, Gerard lifted Frank’s face slightly.  
It was obvious that though Frank was now looking right at him, he wasn’t seeing Gerard at all. His eyes unfocused, and what little colour he usually had had drained entirely.  
He was shaking too.  
Only small tremors at the moment, but Gerard knew this routine far too well now, it wouldn’t take long for Frank to dissolve entirely.   
Gerard looked around him, taking in his surroundings, and tried not to panic.   
“Okay.” He said, softly, as he stroked his hand, gently into Frank’s hair, brushing it back from his face. “Okay. I’m gonna get you home as soon as possible, okay?”   
He didn’t expect a response, but he hoped Frank might at least hear him.   
It was only as he said it though, that Gerard realised just how far away they were. It hadn’t seemed like such a long walk on the way here, but Gerard knew the twenty minutes it would take would be far too long for Frank.   
Now he really was worried.   
They didn’t have anywhere else to go though, he had to hope Frank would hold out at least that long. If it got to the stage where Frank completely broke down…  
Then, somewhere in his scrambled thoughts, Gerard realised there was one other place they could go, and that was a hell of a lot closer.  
Putting his arm around Frank, drawing him close, once again hoping at least a little of this comfort was getting through, Gerard started to lead him away, in a different direction.   
“I really hope you forgive me for this.” 

Gerard had never been more grateful to see the front of the comic book store.   
Even through the glass door he could see Ray, sat behind the counter.   
He really, really hoped his plan was going to work out.  
Gerard pushed through the door, Frank still close to him, he hadn’t loosened his grip once, especially when he’d heard that familiar, panic paced breathing coming from Frank, able to feel the shaking against his own body.  
Ray looked up, surprised. “Gerard! I-”  
“Ray, I have a really big favour to ask you, can I take Frank up to staffroom? I know it’s only meant for staff but-”  
Gerard saw Ray’s eyes landing Frank, growing wide as they took him in.  
“Go.” Ray said, without hesitation, reading, if not fully understanding the situation.   
With many thank you’s falling from his lips, Gerard went to the door behind the counter, then up the stairs, having slight difficulty in guiding Frank, but managing.  
At the top, the door on the left of the landing lead into the staffroom.   
It was, blessedly, empty. A small part of Gerard had been worried about encountering Nikki, scared of all the questions she’d ask that he really didn’t feel like answering.   
He led Frank over to one of the couches, sat him down, and, instantly, as if knowing it was safe to do so, Frank curled in on himself, drawing his legs up, his arms tight around them as he buried his head.  
Gerard fell slowly to his knees, watching him, feeling helpless.  
Guilt rushed through him, knowing why Frank was having this reaction, knowing it was because of what Gerard had made him do today.  
“I’m sorry.” He said, reaching his hand out, thinking better of it. “Fuck. I’m so sorry.”

When Frank started crying, Gerard knew he was coming out of it a little, freed from the paralysis of the panic attack.   
Gerard got up onto the couch with him, finally, took him into his arms, so grateful to feel Frank relax slightly against him.

Slowly, Frank calmed further, the shaking and crying coming to an end, at last.  
He looked up, and saw, as always, Gerard smiling softly at him.  
“Welcome back.” Gerard said, making Frank smile back.  
It kinda had felt like he’d been away. He hadn’t been fully aware of anything since…  
He couldn’t remember anything after stepping outside again.  
Frank looked around, taking in his surroundings, frowning.  
“Where are we?”  
“Staffroom where I work.” Gerard said, and Frank looked back at him, wide eyed. “Don’t worry, you’re safe here. I knew you weren’t… You weren’t going to make it home, so I brought you here instead.”  
Frank nodded, understanding, though still worried, nervous. “Did- Did anyone see me when I-?”  
Gerard shook his head. “Ray saw you as I brought you in, but you were okay then.”  
Gerard knew it was a lie, knew Frank had been in pretty bad shape already.  
Again, Frank nodded, as if he was taking this in.  
“Frank.” Gerard said, softly, drawing all of Frank’s attention to him, not that it had strayed all that far. “Can I ask… What happened? Did… Did something happen in that room I should know about?”  
Frank closed his eyes. He didn’t need to ask what Gerard meant by ‘that room’.   
Not a blood red room for once, no, a stark white one.  
Frank shook his head. “Nothing… Nothing that shouldn’t have happened.” He said, quietly.  
“And what does that mean?” Gerard pushed.  
With a wince, Frank groaned quietly. “I don’t- I don’t want to talk about it.”   
That scared Gerard even more. “Frank, please. If something bad happened I can-”  
Frank shook his head. “No. You don’t- You don’t understand. It was just…”   
He stopped, began again. “It was just the questions… And… And I didn’t want her to look at me.”  
Then Gerard understood, he pulled Frank close again. “Okay. Okay, I understand, and I’m sorry I made you do it. But you do know why, right?”   
Frank nodded. “I do. Don’t be sorry.”  
It wasn’t going to change how Gerard felt though.  
“Now I’m just… Gerard. If the results come back and… And there’s… Something. You won’t. You won’t leave me, will you?”  
Gerard pulled back slightly, frowning at Frank, staring at him.   
Then he bent down and kissed him, lightly.   
He tried to break away, leave the kiss there, with the very clear message it sent. But Frank curled his hands around the back of his neck, holding him, kissing him back.  
Their lips stayed carefully closed, but the kiss was no less passionate for it.  
When they finally allowed themselves to part, Frank leant against Gerard, resting his head against his chest.  
“I don’t know what I’d do without you.”   
Words that could so often sound so fake and cliché, were now raw and brutally honest.   
“Me neither.” Gerard said, placing a small kiss on the top of Frank’s head.

A little later, and Gerard led Frank downstairs.  
“I want you to meet Ray.” Gerard had said, smiling in a way that made it impossible for Frank to say no.   
He liked that Gerard was so excited for him and his boss to meet, but Frank was nervous.  
“Ray!” Gerard called as he neared the bottom of the stairs, acting as a warning that the door was about to swing open.  
“Finally letting me have my staffroom back, huh?”   
Gerard rolled his eyes, just as he pushed open the door. “You never use the staffroom anyway.” Gerard protested.   
Ray turned around to look at him. “I do.”  
“Sure. To store the shit you can’t fit in your apartment.”   
Ray shrugged. “Still using it.” Then his attention switched to Frank, who was standing as close to Gerard as possible, clutching his hand tight. “And you must be Frank. Good to finally meet you.” Ray said, holding out his hand.   
Frank hesitated, looking to Gerard, who nodded, knowing Frank needed the extra assurance.   
Frank briefly let go of Gerard’s hand to shake Ray’s. “It’s good to meet you too.” He said, waiting for Ray to let go of his hand before hurriedly taking hold of Gerard’s once again.  
“Well, I doubt Gerard talks about me to you as much as he does about you to me.”  
Frank felt instantly hot with embarrassment. And pride.   
“Ray!” Gerard yelped, looking nervously at Frank.   
“Don’t act like I’ve revealing some big secret here, Gee.” Ray said, sounding bored.   
Then he smiled at Frank. “It really is good to meet you. I thought Gerard was going to keep you hidden forever.”  
“Oh. Um…” Frank mumbled, knowing any excuses Gerard might have had to come up with was his fault for not being able to handle leaving the apartment.  
Until now.   
Before Frank could say anything further however, there was an interruption.   
“Gerard!”   
The happy, excited voice cut right through everything.  
Gerard felt an awful sinking feeling in his gut.   
He looked over at Ray, who looked apologetic. Then, squeezing Frank’s hand, this time the one needing comfort, Gerard looked around, and saw Nikki standing just the other side of the counter, beaming at him.   
“I wasn’t expecting to see you today.” Nikki said, “I’m glad to see you though, obviously. Always glad to see you.” Her usual stream of chatter making Gerard wince in embarrassment, more than usual.  
“Oh!” She continued, spotting Frank, her eyes seemed to light up further, eager to impress Gerard’s friend. “You brought someone with you today. I guess that’s why you came down, right? To show them around? Well, I’m sure you…”  
Her voice trailed off as her eye line lowered slightly, unintentionally.  
And she caught sight of Gerard’s hand. And Frank’s hand. And how they were held in each others.  
“Oh.” Nikki said, again. Quieter now.   
She sounded… Like someone had turned her volume down. Which, normally, Gerard would’ve been grateful for. But now, also seeing her smile drop, seeing everything… Turned down, Gerard felt sorry.  
“I. Um.” She muttered. “Ray. Can I… Can I take a, um, can I take a break, please?”   
Ray nodded, “Sure, Nikki. Go on. Take your time.”   
Nikki had to push past Frank to get to the door, and she muttered a ‘sorry’, not looking at him.  
The door to the stairway slammed behind her, and they could hear her running footsteps.  
“Shit.” Gerard sighed, slumping back against the counter.  
“I’m sorry Gee, I should’ve warned you she was working today.”   
Gerard shook his head. “I should’ve known, it’s not like you often run the place by yourself, she was bound to be here.”  
“Who… Who was that?” Frank asked, nervously, looking between the door and Gerard.  
He didn’t like that Gerard had let go of his hand. He needed Gerard, again now. He needed the reassurance.   
Gerard covered his face with his hands, shook his head.   
Frank really didn’t like this.  
“That was Nikki.” Ray said, gently, and Frank turned his attention to him, though he was still partly watching Gerard. “She works with us and… I don’t know exactly how you’re going to feel about this but, she’s kinda always had a thing for Gerard.”   
Frank stared, not knowing what to say. Not knowing what to feel.  
He looked over at Gerard, who still had his face hidden, looking down now.  
“Do- I mean have you ever-?”   
Gerard snapped his gaze up then, looking wide eyed. “No!” He insisted, earnestly. “No I… I’ve never liked her, not like that I…”   
“Frank.” Ray said, gently. “I can tell you, truthfully, they’ve never been like that, as much as Nikki wanted that.”  
Frank still didn’t like it though.   
He looked back at Gerard.  
And he was so grateful when Gerard offered his hand again, then drew him in, close. Apparently not caring that Ray was watching them, and Frank decided he could pretend he didn’t care either.   
Gerard laced his fingers with Frank’s, playing with them in careful movements.   
He kissed Frank’s temple, lingering longer than necessary. And Frank realised Gerard was seeking his comfort in Frank, using him to feel steady, rooted again.   
Frank was fine with that, he was, once again, using Gerard the same way.   
“This is a mess.” Gerard sighed.   
“We always knew it would be a mess when Nikki found out. There was never going to be an easy way to break it to her.”   
Gerard closed his eyes, nuzzled against Frank. “I remember when I thought her seeing me with my boyfriend would finally make things easier.”  
“You never seriously thought that, did you?” Ray asked.   
“I don’t know.”   
He sighed then. “I should talk to her.”   
“Gee…”  
“I’ll be… I’ll try not to make things worse.”   
Gerard gently pushed Frank away. “I’m sorry, I’ll be back real soon, alright?”   
Frank nodded, but didn’t look up to meet Gerard’s eyes. He wanted to scream.  
 _No! Not alright, don’t go and comfort her! Stay here, I need you!_  
He hated how selfish he was being. But he didn’t want Gerard to go, to leave him. He didn’t want to be alone, again.   
Gerard placed a kiss on his cheek. “I’m only gonna be up those stairs, not far, right?”  
Then, his hands leaving Frank completely now, Gerard continued, louder. “And you can make sure Ray doesn’t fall asleep at the counter again.”  
“Once, Gerard. That happened once.” Ray protested. 

Frank knew Gerard had been trying to lighten the mood, but it hadn’t worked, Frank was still on edge, uneasy.  
 _Yeah, up those stairs, which are behind that door and then through another door… Sounds pretty far to me._  
Frank scolded himself. What did he think was going to happen?   
A brief image of exactly what he thought might happen flashed through Frank’s mind. And he felt sick.  
Then he felt guilty for thinking Gerard might do something like that.  
“Frank.” Ray said, gently, finally making Frank turn around, look at him again.   
Ray was smiling, sympathy clear on his face. “You know, you really don’t ever have to doubt Gerard. He’s honest, to a fault, sometimes, but he’d never do or say anything to intentionally hurt someone.”   
Frank nodded. He knew, but he couldn’t erase his worry, no matter how hard he tried.  
“And… He thinks the world of you.” Ray continued, startling Frank with his words.   
Frank’s eyes went wide.  
Ray laughed. “Don’t look so surprised. You’re all I ever hear about these days.” Then he paused, carefully continuing, “You make him happy.”   
He’d been told that before. Mikey had told him, Gerard had told him, more than once, and still, Frank couldn’t believe it.  
 _I’ve caused him so much trouble…_  
“I.” Frank started. “I hope I do. Because he… I don’t know how to explain…”  
“You don’t have to.” Ray said. “Take it from me, you don’t have to explain. Both of you, it’s obvious.”   
He paused again. “Which is probably why it was so hard on Nikki.”   
Frank looked away again.  
“Tell me again.” He finally said. “Tell me again they were never…”  
“Never.” Ray said. “Gerard was never interested. He tried letting her down gently. He tried letting her down not so gently. But she… Nikki didn’t want to take the hint. She, I can’t think of a nice way to put this… She threw herself at him, constantly. But Gerard… He never gave in to it. He could’ve. Easily. He could’ve just let her have what she wanted. Could’ve used her. Wouldn’t have taken much less self control. But, he never did. Never would. He wouldn’t do that to her.”  
Then, a very fixed focus on Frank once more, Ray added, “And, in case I haven’t made my point clear enough. He would not hurt you. So stop looking so worried and let’s have a proper conversation about normal things.”   
Frank managed a smile then, feeling at least a little better thanks to the things Ray had said.   
“Okay.” He said.   
Then he noticed Ray opened the door to the stairway, propping it open with his chair.  
Ray looked at him, almost daring Frank to ask.   
He didn’t, he knew Ray had done it for him, somehow reading his remaining anxiousness.  
Frank was very grateful for it, feeling a little more worry slipping from him.  
“Too many closed doors.” Ray said.  
Frank nodded.

Gerard had hesitated when he got to the top of the stairs.   
Should he knock first?   
He had a feeling Nikki’s reaction to seeing him was going to be no better or worse if he announced himself or not, but if she had violence in mind, it didn’t make much sense to give her a heads up.   
Gerard sighed.  
Nikki wasn’t going to try and hurt him. No matter how angry.  
She hadn’t looked angry downstairs though. She’d looked…  
Broken.  
Finally he opened the door, unannounced.  
Nikki was the other end of the room, down by the sink, the water running, a glass on the counter beside her. Her hands on the edge of the sink, arms ram-rod straight, her head bowed.  
“Leave me alone, Gerard.” Nikki said, her voice utterly drained of emotion. She didn’t look up at him.   
“Nikki.” He said, gently. “We-”  
“No!” Nikki snapped, slamming her hands on the edge of the sink, before gripping it, tightly once again. “No. _We_ don’t _anything_. You’ve made that more than clear.”   
Gerard sighed, closing the door behind him, very aware he was sealing himself into this situation now. “That’s not fair, Nikki, I-”  
“It’s not fair?” Nikki said, looking up at Gerard now. “’That’s not fair’, he says. No, Gerard, I suppose it’s not fair. But do you know what’s really not fair? The fact that I-”  
“I never let you think I was interested!” Gerard couldn’t help it, all these years of trying to be as nice as possible about Nikki’s continued advances, the fact she never took the hint, and now she was trying to blame him? To say it was his fault? That, what? That he’d led her on? He couldn’t deal with it. “I never did, Nikki! I tried, and I tried to tell you, but you wouldn’t listen! I was never interested. And you never even paid attention when I tried to tell you I’m-”  
“I know!” Nikki yelled at him. “I _know_ alright? I fucking know you’re gay! I’ve known for ages now! But you know what else I know? Something I found out. Actually, you’re bisexual, but you’d much rather say you’re gay because then that doesn’t sound like you‘re fucking confused.”  
Gerard stared at her, wide eyed, not knowing what to say.  
Not knowing how she knew.  
Wondering if she had any idea how insulting she’d just been.   
“Don’t give me that damn look! It’s true! And you know what, it was my little bit of hope. If you’d been with girls before, maybe I really did have a chance, right? Maybe I-”  
She didn’t look so angry, so vicious now, she was cracking, breaking. She looked like she was spiralling into despair.   
Gerard continued to watch her, as calmly as he could.  
He raised his hand, held up two fingers. “Two. I’ve been with two girls. One was a serious relationship, and a great one. I’m pleased to say that was a relationship that ended well, we both figured out we weren’t right for each other. The other girl… That wasn’t something I’m proud of.”  
Nikki laughed, humourlessly. “Oh don’t tell me, you had a one night stand? Fuck, Gerard, there are worse things.”  
“I know.” Gerard said. “I never said that’s what happened.”   
Nikki frowned at him, begging explanation.  
She didn’t get one.   
“In contrast… I’ve been in three serious relationships with guys, plus a few, you know, one night stands and flings that were almost something then weren’t. And, of course, none of this includes Frank, so make that four serious relationships. Now, yes, I’d still say I’m bisexual, and I’m pretty damn comfortable with that, but, I do have a _slight_ preference to the same sex. Now, tell me, at what point exactly does it sound like I’m confused?”  
Nikki continued to stare at him.  
Then she burst into tears, completely collapsing, falling to the floor in a messy heap.  
Gerard didn’t hesitate to go over to her.   
Crouching down, Gerard placed his hands on her shaking shoulders.   
“Don’t!” Nikki screamed, still sobbing, her eyes closed against the tears. “Don’t comfort me! I don’t want- I want to hate you! I’m not allowed to love you, so let me hate you!”   
Gerard said nothing, but he didn’t back away either.   
Eventually Nikki allowed herself to be comforted, allowed Gerard to comfort her.  
She calmed, slowly, and as she stopped crying she asked, “Why though? Why couldn’t I be one of them? Why couldn’t you at least… At least once? I would’ve let you get away with that.”   
“Is that really what you wanted?” Gerard asked. “For me to just have sex with you once then leave you?”  
Nikki shook her head. “I really wanted to be with you. In a… Married, with a house, kids and a dog kinda way.” Then she paused. “But I would’ve settled for one night.”  
“Nikki.” Gerard said, very seriously, “Listen to me, don’t ever ‘settle’ for the lowest form of the thing you want. I’m sorry, I really am sorry I never liked you like that, but, for what it’s worth…” He waited for Nikki to look up, which she did, “That whole ‘married with a family’ thing sounds pretty great. You’re going to be an amazing part of someone’s life one day.”   
Nikki smiled. “And, I guess you’re going to be doing all that with Frank, right?”   
“I hope so.” Gerard replied, honestly. “I don’t know how easy the-”  
“Adopt.” Nikki said, before Gerard could finish the sentence, guessing wrong in her eagerness.   
Gerard laughed, almost embarrassed. “I really don’t think me or Frank are anywhere near thinking about kids.”  
“Okay. But when you are, hey! You could ask me! I’d surrogate for you!”   
“Nikki, that’s really nice of you but…” He trailed off, seeing the enthusiasm on her face.  
“You know something Nikki? It’s not true to say I don’t love you. It’s just…”  
“It’s different, right?” Nikki said. Gerard nodded his agreement.  
“I think I know what you mean.” Nikki was staring at him then, intently, frowning slightly.  
Gerard thought, maybe, he understood.  
Already, Gerard was changing in Nikki’s eyes. He wasn’t the guy she lusted after who never returned her affections.   
He was her friend.  
A best friend, possibly. 

Gerard went back down soon after that, and saw the door at the end of the stairs was open.  
He immediately guessed why.  
And, though he was vaguely aware Ray was closer, Gerard’s eyes found Frank first, whose eyes were on the stairway, obviously watching, waiting.  
Gerard smiled, held out his hand to Frank, who snatched it, holding tight.  
Gerard chuckled softly as he drew Frank close. “Missed me that much?”   
Frank just nodded.  
“You too.” Gerard assured.  
“Gee.” Ray’s voice cut through their moment, and forced them both to focus on him. “I know this might not be the best time but, how is Nikki?”   
Gerard understood why Ray had to ask, and he nodded, “She’s actually doing fine now. We talked and… I really think things are gonna be a lot easier around here.”   
“Well thank God for that! Finally.”   
While Ray rejoiced at the thought of a happy, laid back working environment, Gerard returned his attention to Frank, “She wants to meet you, properly at some point. But not right now,”  
Frank nodded, he agreed, actually. He kinda wanted to be properly introduced, but not tonight.  
Way too much had happened.  
“Gerard.” Frank said, quietly. “Can we go home now?”   
Gerard kissed his cheek. “Sounds like a great idea to me.” He looked up to speak to Ray, but before he said anything, Ray got in first, “Go, if you stay any longer I’m gonna end up having to pay you, and I don’t have the budget for that right now.”  
With a laugh and a couple of sincere niceties, Frank and Gerard finally ventured out again.  
It wasn’t quite dark yet, but still they hurried.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Frank and Gerard's important day outside of the apartment, they now must wait to discover what the results will be. Will it be as easy to deal with as they are hoping?   
> And, what if they didn't quite manage to escape someone's notice?

The Phoenix was it’s usual hub of activity.   
At first the boy was worried he wasn’t going to find Jimmy at all.   
He was still fairly new after all, he didn’t know, you can always find him here. 

Harry was rushing so much to find the Saint, he was paying little attention to anyone else. Subsequently, he ran right into someone.   
Only the fact that two cold hands gripped his arms kept him on his feet.   
He looked up, and all he saw was a sneering grin.   
Two silver points showed through the slightly parted lips.  
Harry cringed, he knew immediately who he’d run into, and he wanted to get away.   
He twisted in the grip, and found the cool hands leaving him.  
“What you running from, little rabbit?” Sammy asked.   
Harry glanced up at the ‘blood freak’ as he’d thought of him ever since Jimmy had given him to this man.   
He quickly looked away.   
“Not running from anything.” Harry replied, his voice sounding stronger than what he felt. “Trying to find Jimmy.”   
Sammy reached his hand out, his finger glancing under the boys chin, making him look up.   
He didn’t like the way Sammy was smiling at him. “Jimmy’s in high demand. He’s a busy man, you must know that. What is it? Need your next job?”   
Harry said nothing, afraid of the finger beneath his chin. On the tip of it, Sammy wore a type of ring. Pointed at the end, sharp enough to draw blood. Which it often did.   
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll save you a trip, and save Jimmy being bothered. You can come with me.”   
His finger trailed up Harry’s cheek, just glancing past his eye, making Harry wince, then Sammy brushed his hand back into Harry’s hair.   
Leaning down, Sammy whispered in his ear, “If you’d just let your hair grow out a little, you’d be perfect.”   
Boldly, Harry pushed Sammy away.  
Sammy was immediately furious. Annoyed and embarrassed that this boy would reject him like this.   
_A dirty little whore, and he pushes me away._  
Sammy raised his hand to strike him.   
But the boy spoke quickly, “I need to find Jimmy because I have information for him! It’s important!”   
Curiously, Sammy lowered his hand. “What kind of information?” 

Johnny was waiting, bored, on a chair outside the red room.   
How much longer was this going to take?   
His mood was not improved by seeing Sammy, with a young, pale boy in tow.

Rolling his eyes, Johnny got to his feet.   
“Not right now, Sammy.” He said. “Jimmy’s in there.”   
Sammy nodded. “I know. We need to talk to him.”   
“Hey!” The boy snapped. “ _I’m_ the one who needs to talk to him!”   
The boy was ignored.   
“I’m under strict orders not to let anyone in.” Johnny said. Then, shaking his head despairingly, he continued, “Jimmy’s ‘auditioning’.”   
Sammy frowned, not understanding.   
Johnny rolled his eyes. “He’s trying to find a replacement for Frank, alright? Fucking hell. Wouldn’t think it’d be so difficult.”  
At that, Sammy grinned. “In that case, I think what I need to tell him just stepped up a level of urgency.”   
Now it was Johnny’s turn to frown.   
“Just trust me for once, would you, Johnny?” 

Jimmy looked down at the boy, on his knees on the floor in front of him.   
The pathetic thing was crying. Head down, shoulders shaking violently.  
“For fucks sake.” Jimmy muttered.  
Then, getting up from his chair, Jimmy went over, grabbing the boy by the hair, wrenching his head up.  
“You’re crying? And why the fuck did you think I asked you in here for?”   
The boy shook his head. “Not- Not that, Jimmy. Not that.”   
Roughly, Jimmy let go of the boy, then turned his back.  
“Get out.”   
The boy nodded, scrambled to his feet.   
“And not a word of this to anyone.” Jimmy said, turning just as the boy reached the door.   
“Or perhaps I will find you useful after all.”   
The boy stared at Jimmy, with large, fear filled eyes, then nodded.  
The door swung open, and the boy ran out. 

Jimmy had already sat down in his chair again by the time the other three came in.   
“Take it that one didn’t cut it, huh?” Johnny asked, a hint of teasing to his voice.  
Jimmy snarled, his eyes closed as his hand went to his head. “Useless. All useless.”   
Then he looked up, caught sight of Sammy, and the boy.   
Again, Jimmy snarled. “And who said you could have that one?” He asked.   
“He-” Harry tried to cut in.  
“No one, Jimmy. But I promise you I bring him here with innocent reasons.”   
The boy scowled, having to bite his tongue.   
Jimmy raised his eyebrow, casting a look over the boy, then Sammy. “I doubt that.” He said. Then, waving his hand dismissively, Jimmy continued, “Anyway, have him if you want. Just take him elsewhere. I’m busy in here tonight.”   
“Very kind of you Jimmy, but-”  
“Sammy!” Jimmy snapped, opening his eyes again, and glaring at the other man, “I am in no fucking mood to be argued with. I am having a very difficult night, which follows after a very fucking difficult few months, now I suggest you-”  
“The boy has something to tell you!” Sammy said, surprising Harry that he was actually going to get the credit.   
Jimmy rolled his eyes. “Unless he’s going to tell me that, after all this time, Frank has finally turned up. I really couldn’t care less.”   
“But that’s exactly it.” Sammy said. 

There was a silence in the room.   
A deep, heavy silence.   
Jimmy stared at Sammy. And, slowly, he rose to his feet.   
“What?” Jimmy said, quietly.   
“He’s seen Frank. Said Frank saw him too, but didn’t recognise him.”   
Now Jimmy turned his attention to the boy.   
“This true?”   
Harry nodded.   
Jimmy continued to stare.   
Then he held out his hand, “Harry. Tell me exactly what happened.” 

Jimmy and Harry sat up on the bed. Jimmy sat perfect upright, his legs crossed in front of him, as he listened intently.   
Harry perched on the edge of the bed. He, like all the boys in Jimmy’s service, knew the bed well. It held no good memories for them.  
Both Johnny and Sammy took up seats of their own, watching, listening closely.   
While Sammy lounged happily, Johnny was on edge, his hands clenched tight.   
Frank had been seen.  
Jimmy was closer to getting Frank back.   
Where would that leave Johnny?   
Second place, again.   
“I- I was…” Harry paused, uncertain about admitting where he’d been.   
He glanced up at Jimmy, who nodded, encouraging him on.   
Harry knew Jimmy would want to know everything. “I went down to the, uh, the health clinic.”  
“Problem, sweetheart?” Sammy teased.   
Harry looked up, his face burning.   
He jumped slightly when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked, saw Jimmy.   
“Nothing to be ashamed of.” Jimmy said. “Good of you to worry about spreading disease.”   
Harry narrowed his eyes, scowling slightly, “Wasn’t worried about other people. Worried about myself.”  
Jimmy shrugged. “And in doing so, you protect others. My praise stands. Accept it, I don’t give it out often.”   
Harry nodded, knowing when to back down with Jimmy.   
As soon as you possibly can.   
“Anyway… So… I was there. And… While I was waiting. Frank came in.”   
“You sure?” Johnny asked. “You’re certain it was Frank?”   
Harry smiled, wryly. “I know I’m new, but I remember Frank. We all know Frank. And I’m certain. It was him.”   
“You said he didn’t recognise you.” Jimmy said, drawing Harry’s attention back to him.   
Harry shook his head. “He looked right at me. For a second, it looked like he did know me. But… No, there was no recognition.” Harry laughed, shortly. “Guess I wasn’t one of the memorable ones.”  
“What else can you tell me?” Jimmy pressed, ignoring Harry’s self pity.   
“I can tell you he was with someone. Another man.”  
“As I always fucking thought.” Jimmy growled. “He’s been kept hostage all this time.”  
But Harry was shaking his head. “Frank didn’t… I mean he looked nervous, but he relaxed when the other man was near. They… They seemed comfortable with each other. As in, genuinely. Frank seemed _less_ nervous around this guy.”  
Harry paused. “They looked… They kinda looked like a couple.”   
Harry didn’t dare look at Jimmy.  
But he could feel Jimmy’s anger radiating over to him.   
“It’s a lie.” Jimmy growled, suddenly getting up from the bed.   
Harry looked up, eyes wide. “No! Jimmy, I promise, I wasn’t-”  
“Not you!” Jimmy snapped. “I mean the ‘relationship’. What you saw was a lie. Obviously whoever this guy is made Frank act like that, so as not to draw suspicion.”  
Then, Jimmy grinned. “But. He’s finally, finally made a mistake. We’ve seen him now. We’ve seen him, and we know Frank is still in the city.”  
Jimmy looked over at Johnny, “Finally, I’m that one step closer to getting Frank back.”  
“Jimmy, I-” Johnny coaxed, trying to calm Jimmy down. Knowing it’d never work.   
Knowing Jimmy was slipping from him, surely, again.   
“Johnny! Get out there and let those fucks waiting out there I won’t be seeing them.” Jimmy ordered, ignoring that Johnny had been about to speak.   
“I’m not about to replace Frank… Not when I know he’s coming back to me.”   
Jimmy shook his head. “My poor angel… I hope he’s been okay.”   
“Jimmy…”  
“Go!” Jimmy snapped, not even looking at Johnny. 

Resigned, Johnny got up and left.   
“Sammy. You can have this room after all. I don’t need it. And you can have one of the boys.”   
Harry shrunk back.  
He didn’t want to have to endure Sammy again.   
“But not this one.” Jimmy said, smiling, knowingly at Harry. “He’s earned his way tonight.”   
Harry smiled, gratefully back.

While Sammy went out, to find a suitable replacement, Jimmy went over, and sat with Harry again.   
“One more thing, before I let you go for the night.” Jimmy said.  
Harry looked over at him, nervously.   
Jimmy didn’t look at him as he asked, “How did Frank look? Did he look… Alright?”   
Harry stared at Jimmy.   
He was showing concern, actual, genuine concern.   
Harry had known Frank was important to Jimmy, all the boys knew it. But everyone had assumed it was because Frank had generated the most business for Jimmy. That he had a good reputation. And everyone knew Jimmy had taken Frank to his own bed, more than a few times. So they knew he must be ‘skilled’.  
Now Harry wondered.   
Was it possible Frank meant more than that?   
Did Jimmy…   
Harry nodded, and said, gently, “He looked good, Jimmy. He looked… He looked healthy. Whoever he was with, I’d say they’ve been looking after him.”  
Jimmy closed his eyes, drew in a deep breath, let it out slowly.   
Then he nodded. “Good.”   
Opening his eyes again, Jimmy smiled at Harry. “Go home, Harry. Come back tomorrow night.”

The boy hurried to comply. 

###

It’d been a busy day at work, but that only meant it went quickly, which Gerard more than welcomed.   
He’d brought up the idea of Frank coming with him to work again, hoping that, now Frank had actually left the apartment once, he’d be more willing to do it again.   
So far, Frank had stuck to his original answer, though he smiled when he shook his head.   
It’s wasn’t a ‘no’, out right anymore. It was a ‘not yet’. 

Frank had continued to grow more comfortable, confident. Often the one now to move closer to Gerard, without waiting to be prompted to do so. He would touch Gerard, innocently, more easily too. Not afraid to brush past him in the kitchen, to stretch his legs out across Gerard’s lap while they sat on the couch. Not afraid to be the one to take Gerard’s hand.  
He even, Gerard discovered, one particularly wonderful night, didn’t mind being tickled.  
Gerard had been amazed, surprised even, when, one of those times he found Frank’s legs draped over him, he’d accidentally brushed his hand against the sole of Frank’s foot.  
The giggle he’d heard made Gerard stare down at his boyfriend, eyes wide, delighted.   
Realising what he’d done, Frank attempted to stifle the sound, and looked, warily up at Gerard.  
With a small smile, Frank shook his head. “No. No, Gee, don’t!”  
Gerard couldn’t resist hearing Frank’s soft laugh again though. He didn’t stop until they were both out of breath, both laughing.

The night after going to the clinic was the only time Gerard had worried about Frank relapsing.   
He’d thought Frank was fine, after the panic attack he’d had earlier. It’d seemed as though he’d worked through the shock he’d felt at what had gone on that day.   
When they’d got into bed, however, Frank had seemed not so fine again.  
Nothing dramatic. But Frank made it clear he only wanted to curl up close to Gerard, didn’t want anything else.   
That and when he’d finally fallen asleep, Gerard was kept awake by Frank talking, quietly, in his sleep. Nothing quite coherent, and whatever it was didn’t seem to be bothering Frank too much. But Gerard was reminded of the early days. Frank talking in his sleep, revealing awful, awful things.   
It’d made Gerard very scared.

By the next night, things had seemed normal again though, so Gerard assumed Frank had just needed that time, to deal with everything. It would’ve brought up a lot of bad memories, Gerard knew.   
And after that…   
Everything was going great. Sometimes Gerard couldn’t even believe this was the same boy he’d brought in off the street. Thinking back to the early days, the early stages, he marvelled at how far Frank had come.   
One of the few things that reminded Gerard of what had past, was the showers. Frank still took a long time, and it would take Gerard back to all the times Frank had referred to himself as ‘unclean’.

And, apart from that, obviously, Gerard never forgot to be careful with Frank when they were in bed together. Though, often, he could feel himself getting carried away, Gerard never let his lust for Frank overcome his love and care for him. 

It’d been a week now since the trip to the clinic, and every night as he came home from work, Gerard had looked, expectantly, through his post, hoping to finally find their answer. 

It was quite typical that the one time Gerard was more focused on getting home in time to catch the TV program Frank loved to watch, and loved to watch with him, was the time he was quickly flicking through the envelopes he’d found in his box, and came across one that didn’t bear his name on the front.  
Gerard frowned slightly, wondering how a letter to Frank would get here.  
He froze outside his door when he remembered, shocked that he’d forgotten. 

When he walked in, he found the TV already on, and Frank smiling at him over the top of the couch.  
“I was worried you’d be late.” Frank said, cheerily.  
The smile fell slightly when he saw the look on Gerard’s face.   
“What’s wrong?” He asked, tentatively.   
Gerard forced a smile, then came over and sat down beside Frank, close, but not offering to let Frank curl up next to him, like he usually did.   
Frank gaze went to Gerard’s hands, the small stack of letters held in them.   
Then Gerard held out one of them, offering it to him. “What we’ve been waiting for.” He said, still trying to keep that smile. His nerves showing through.   
Frank stared at the envelope. Saw his name printed on the paper through the little plastic window.   
He felt sick, even as he took it, holding it in both hands.   
It felt heavy, like it was weighing him down.

“Frank.” Gerard said, gently. “I know you don’t want to. But if you open it, we can-”  
Frank shook his head, violently.   
Then he thrust the letter back at Gerard. “You do it.”   
“Frank.” Gerard repeated, still carefully. Not completely convinced Frank would want him reading this first.   
Frank continued to shake his head. “I changed my mind. I can’t-”  
“You can.” Gerard argued.  
Frank was already on his feet by then. “No.” He said. “I can’t.” He went to leave, then paused. “Just… Just let me know. Okay?” 

Gerard thought about stopping him, instead watching as Frank disappeared into the bedroom. Knowing there was nothing to be gained by making Frank stay here.  
Gerard turned his attention back to the envelope that’d dropped onto the couch.   
He felt nervous too, as he picked it up. Knowing he would be messenger of whatever news it gave.

Gerard turned the letter over in his hands, pausing before forcing himself to open it, quickly before he had the chance to also change his mind. 

The envelope discarded on the seat next to him, Gerard unfolded the letter, hurriedly. Quickly reading through the cover letter, explaining the tests that had been run, and giving assurances that they were able to offer any treatments that may be required.   
It was standard stuff, giving nothing away about the results. Gerard flipped to the next page.  
Scanning through the information, quickly.   
Then again, slowly.   
Then, once more, taking it in fully, letting the information, spelled out plainly before him, sink in. 

Frank huddled up on the bed, resisting the urge to get in, under the covers, to hide under there, pretend nothing was happening.   
Instead drew his legs up, close to his body, hiding his face against his knees.  
All he could see, in his mind, was a list of words that he didn’t really understand, but was afraid of, each of them with the word ‘positive’ beside them.  
In his head, that word was bright red.   
From there, his mind spiralled. He had no money, nothing for medication, or treatments. Some of those things were expensive, weren’t they? And he couldn’t, wouldn’t expect Gerard to pay for it. Though he knew Gerard would offer, Frank also knew there was a possibility Gerard wouldn’t be able to afford it, and he’d hate to get Gerard into that sort of trouble.   
What if there was something serious?  
Really serious?   
Something that… Couldn’t be helped?   
And, again, Frank’s mind looped back around to that piece of paper, that he knew Gerard must be reading, right now.   
He squeezed his eyes shut tighter, wishing that would block out the images. 

Gerard, tentatively, pushed the door open.   
“Frank?”   
He caught sight of Frank, saw him huddled up.  
And, slowly, Gerard came in, sitting, carefully down on the edge of the bed, close to Frank.   
He reached his hand out, gently placing it on Frank’s arm.   
Frank raised his head, just enough so that his eyes were visible.  
He looked so afraid.  
“Did you read it yet?” Frank asked, quietly.  
Gerard nodded.  
“And?”  
Gerard held the papers up, “Wanna read it yourself?”  
Frank shook his head, fast. “Please, Gerard. Just- Just tell me.”   
Gerard didn’t reply, just staring at Frank, trying to figure out how to do this. How to tell him.   
Then he smiled, just a little.  
Frank frowned at him, trying to figure out that smile.  
His eyes went wide, he raised his head further.  
And Gerard’s smile grew, he nodded. “You’re okay.” He said.   
Frank just stared. He’d spent so long expecting _something_ to be wrong, he hadn’t prepared himself for this.   
He’d barely let himself hope for it.   
“I’m-?”  
Gerard nodded again, his smile wide, beaming now. “Yes. You’re okay. You’re okay, you’re fine. One hundred per cent fine!”  
Frank still couldn’t believe it, still staring at Gerard, who suddenly thrust the papers at Frank, who took them without thinking.  
“Look. See for yourself.” Gerard urged.   
Frank lowered his legs slightly, freeing both his hands to hold the paper steady in them.  
He looked at it. The list of words he barely understood, but it didn’t matter. The opposite side to each of these words read ‘negative’.  
Frank read over it, again, and again, checking he hadn’t missed anything, hadn’t misread anything.   
But it was all there, plain to see.   
He looked up at Gerard, his eyes still wide.  
Saw Gerard’s smile, happy and relieved.   
Letting go of the letter, Frank twisted round, getting on his knees as he threw his arms around Gerard, embracing him tightly.  
Frank was shaking, not with fear for once, but with relief. He’d never known such a feeling before. He felt… Lighter. Unburdened.  
Gerard pulled himself further onto the bed, giving himself more room to be stable, he held Frank just as tightly.  
Frank moved his head, just slightly, enough to kiss Gerard, so much emotion behind it, it left them both feeling overwhelmed.  
But they didn’t part, and the kiss continued, with all the intensity of what they felt for each other, the relief and gratitude that they’d been given this break.   
They soon found themselves laying on the bed, their kisses becoming more urgent, wanting.   
Gerard felt Frank’s tongue against his lips, he parted them, his own tongue meeting with Frank’s.   
Their hands wandered, both pushing up each others shirts, though not pausing to look, feeling each others pleasantly cool hands running over their skin.   
Frank was the one to kick the covers down, until Gerard got the message that he wanted to get under them.   
As Gerard drew the covers over them, he moved, so Frank was beneath him.   
In the longest break from the kiss that they’d had, Gerard looked down at Frank, who opened his eyes, taking in the man above him.  
“This okay?” Gerard asked.  
Frank nodded, reaching his hands up, pulling Gerard back down into the kiss.   
They barely even thought about it when their hands moved down again, reaching for each others jeans, undoing them, beginning to pull them down.   
A little warning alarm sounded in the back of Gerard’s mind, telling him they were going too fast.   
But Frank was pushing him on, encouraging him further, and Gerard couldn’t ignore that. 

Frank’s head was filled with the beautiful truth that he was free. He didn’t have to worry anymore. He wasn’t going to do harm to Gerard, he could let Gerard touch him. He could touch Gerard.   
He could have sex with him.   
And, right then, that was all that Frank could think of. He wanted to, there was nothing holding him back.   
He felt Gerard, above him, laying slightly on him. In places their skin touched, and Frank couldn’t remember anything feeling so good.  
Except maybe Gerard’s mouth on his. Right now what little part of his brain wasn’t busy screaming, happily, that he was free, was entirely focused on that mouth.  
He could feel Gerard’s hands, roaming all over him, and he felt like moaning over every touch.

Still, Gerard kept telling himself to slow down, to go careful. Frank had let himself get carried away, he couldn’t, shouldn’t also. It wasn’t fair if he did.  
But still, it was so, so difficult.  
 _Don’t let yourself get carried away. Be **careful** with him._   
Gerard knew it, he knew it. But Frank’s hands were demanding, if tentative. Going everywhere, almost everywhere they shouldn’t, like Frank wanted every part of him at once.  
And the way he was kissing.  
Like he was desperate, needy for Gerard. Like if he let their lips or tongues part for a second, he’d be lost.  
Frank’s hips were moving, subtly, unintentionally, and Gerard had to lift himself up, so as not to give himself, and his arousal away.   
_Be **careful!**_  
He was, he was trying to anyway.   
Gerard’s hand ran down Frank’s leg, then, slowly back up again, his thumb trailing over the inner thigh.  
And that’s when it all came crashing down. 

Gerard didn’t even realise what had happened at first, only aware that he’d been pushed away, harshly.   
He looked up and saw Frank, in a horribly familiar position before him.   
Frank had sat up, covered his face with his hands.  
And Gerard understood, even though he’d thought he’d been so careful, he’d ended up pushing Frank too far after all. 

Gerard eased forward. “Frank.” He said, gently. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”  
But Frank was shaking his head. “No. No. I thought- I thought it was alright. I thought… I was alright. But it’s not. I’m not. I’m still…” He lowered his hands, looking at Gerard. “The disease is in my head. That’s where the problem is. I- I can’t-” He started gasping, hyperventilating.   
Gerard moved up quickly then, drawing Frank close, as always glad that Frank let him.   
He stroked his hand through Frank’s hair, trying to calm him. “Shh. Shh. Don’t talk like that. You’re alright. You are. I promise.”  
Frank shook his head. “No. No I’m not. Gerard, you don’t know- You don’t know what I see. I hate it. I only want to see you. But I can’t. I can’t. It’s not _fair_. I still can’t let you touch me!”  
Gerard decided against trying to argue, instead asking, “So, what happened?”   
Frank closed his eyes, tight. Taking a long time to reply.   
Eventually he said, quietly, “You touched my scar.”  
Gerard frowned. He didn’t understand. He’d touched Frank’s scars before, fairly often now, since Frank had started being able to let Gerard’s hand beneath his shirt.  
Then it occurred to Gerard, that wasn’t the only place his hand had gone just now.  
He hadn’t even realised, Frank had moved too quickly, but now Gerard knew.   
“The one on your leg.” Gerard stated.  
Frank nodded.   
“I’m sorry.” Gerard said. “I didn’t mean to do it. I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”   
Frank shook his head, screwing his eyes up, tighter. Denying tears. “I know you wouldn’t.” He said. “But- But you touched that scar and all I could think of was that man and how he- he fucked me too hard and the- then he cut me and it hurt and it bled, it bled so much but I deserved it because I-”  
“Frank!” Gerard grabbed Frank’s hands, which had started digging their nails into each other. Frank looked up, eyes suddenly open as he looked at Gerard.  
“Stop that.” Gerard said, gently, letting go of one of Franks hands, to reach up and once again stroke back into Frank’s hair. “You didn’t deserve any of what happened to you, alright? None of it.”   
Frank didn’t answer that. “It happens with the other scars too, sometimes. When you touch them… I’m reminded of how I got them. I have to- I have to try so hard to block it out.”   
Gerard nodded.   
Then he held out his own hand, wrist up. Showing his own scar.   
Frank closed his eyes, briefly, before drawing his gaze up to Gerard’s eyes again.   
“Sometimes” Gerard said, “Sometimes, very rarely, people touch this scar. Usually it’s just someone brushing past me on the subway or something, and I’ve got to the point where that doesn’t really bother me anymore. But it did. For the first year or so, I always had a jacket on, even indoors, so people wouldn’t be able to touch it, or even see it.”  
Frank nodded, just slightly. He could imagine.   
“But, the hardest thing, was when I was _with_ someone.”  
Frank felt himself growing hot. He knew Gerard was now referring to the men he’d carelessly taken to his bed after the break up with Sammy.  
“None of them asked about it, of course, no one really cared. But, whenever any of them touched that scar… I was right back with Sammy. Not the night it happened, necessarily, but back in the situation.”  
Gerard paused, thinking about what he wanted to say next. “And, of course, you’ve touched it. A few times on purpose, when I’ve let you. And a few times… Accidentally.”  
Frank’s eyes went wide, once again then.   
Had he caused Gerard distress? And not even realised?   
Frank suddenly felt awful, awful he hadn’t noticed, he hadn’t even considered this.   
“It’s okay.” Gerard said, smiling, softly. “I actually… I actually like it now.”  
Frank frowned, not understanding.   
“I like it when you touch my scar because… You made it about something else. You touched it carefully. Told me it proved I was strong. And, this might be silly but, I think… When you touch it now… You’re thinking about that, subconsciously. About me being strong… For you.”  
Frank continued to stare, amazed.  
Because… That was it. That was exactly it.   
Frank reached out, and, once again, traced his finger over Gerard’s scar, watched him close his eyes, shudder slightly.  
Then Frank brought the wrist up to his lips, and kissed it, gently.   
Gerard opened his eyes.  
“Let me change yours? Make them something else?” He asked.   
Frank shook his head, fearfully.  
“Frank, please, trust me.”   
Frank continued to shake his head, closing his eyes.  
Then, in a smooth movement, the head shake turned into a slow, careful nod.  
“Okay.” Frank said, quietly.

He laid back down, shivering slightly, glad to still have the covers over them.  
Gerard bent slightly over him, not on top, just leaning over, one hand placed the other side of Frank.   
“Where’s easiest for me to start, for you?” Gerard asked, softly.  
Frank didn’t answer at first, panicked by the question.   
He wasn’t sure, he didn’t know.   
Then Gerard reached up, pushing back Frank’s hair, revealing the scar there.  
And Frank thought, of all the places to start, that was possibly best.   
He closed his eyes as he felt Gerard’s lips on the skin. For a second he had a flash of white hot memory, the pain of hitting his head.   
Then he felt Gerard’s hand take his, squeeze gently.  
And he was focusing on Gerard again. The next time Gerard kissed that spot, all he saw, all he felt was Gerard.   
Gerard moved down slightly then, to the small scars on his shoulder, the bite marks.   
He ran his fingers over them first, tracing between them, around them.   
“I know how scary it is.” Gerard said, quietly, as he placed a small kiss over them.   
He was referring to being bitten by another person.   
“You’re so brave.” Gerard said. “So brave.”   
Frank felt like arguing, but already Gerard had moved his attention on. 

Gerard slowly worked his way around all of them, finding some he hadn’t noticed before.   
He spent time, carefully touching them, and the skin around them, kissing them gently.  
A few times Frank squirmed, uncomfortably. But, eventually…  
He felt relaxed. Happy to let Gerard do this.  
He was, amazingly, feeling better about them.  
The fact Gerard was taking such care over him, paying each scar such careful attention.  
Paying him such careful attention.  
It was right, what Gerard had said. Gerard was making them something new.   
Gerard was showing he thought they were… Special. Because they were part of Frank.  
And he was showing how much he loved Frank, because he was taking so much time over this. 

When Gerard moved down, however, Frank flinched away.  
“No.” He said. Firmly. “I can’t- I can’t let you touch that one, Gee. Please. I- It scares me too much.”   
Gerard looked up, his hand moving to the scarred knee instead, and he nodded, understanding.  
He wasn’t going to force any of this on Frank. 

Finally, Gerard came back up, laying beside Frank once again, who turned onto his side, and moved up close, both of them wrapping their arms around each other.

Frank couldn’t find the words to say it, to express how thankful he was.  
Anyone else, he suspected, would’ve been disgusted by the scars, and their history. His history.   
Not Gerard though. 

“We okay?” Gerard eventually asked.  
“I think so.” Frank replied. “I feel… I feel calmer.”  
“Good.” Gerard said.   
Then he added. “There’s no rush, Frank. Just so you know. I didn’t… I didn’t expect that, when we got the results, and they were negative, you’d magically be fine.”  
Frank laughed, quietly. He had.   
“Frank. It runs deeper than that. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, okay?”   
Frank nodded, burying his face closer against Gerard’s chest.   
Gerard smiled, then he whispered, “For what it’s worth… I think what we’re doing right now is pretty amazing.”  
Frank had to smile.  
He agreed. 

##

The store had been busy that day, so all three of them really had needed to be in.  
Ray was more than glad for the lack of tension in his store, ever since the ‘Frank incident’.

Now, at the end of the day, Ray smiled as he watched his two employees straighten up the store.  
He watched the easy way they moved around each other now. Gerard no longer trying to keep his distance, and Nikki no longer trying her hardest to ‘accidentally’ brush up against him.   
They smiled more now too, Gerard’s one finally his true one, and Nikki’s no longer over bright.   
It was like when Nikki had very first started working there. When Gerard had only been able to come in a few days a week, due to his college course, and they didn’t see each other so often. 

Nikki had had a boyfriend back then. A snotty little brat who’d come in at the end of her shift to pick her up, and usually do his damnedest to insult her place of work.  
When he’d finally broken up with her, Gerard had spent the day upstairs with her in the staffroom, while she cried her way through a couple of boxes of tissues.   
Gerard had told her exactly what he’d thought of the guy, saying he wasn’t a nice person, and Nikki deserved to be with someone who treated her nicely.   
That was the point when Nikki’s affections had switched to Gerard, and stayed there ever since. 

Ray was pleased to see them back to how they were. 

“So. I haven’t had the chance to ask… How’s Frank doing?” Nikki asked, a little cautiously, unsure if she was allowed to ask.  
Gerard looked over at her, surprised by the question. But he smiled.   
“Good. Really good.” He replied.  
Nikki nodded, smiling happily. “And… Uh. How long exactly were you keeping the relationship secret?”   
Again, Gerard was surprised by the question. “I- Uh…” Then he laughed, “You remember me mentioning I had someone staying at my apartment?”   
Nikki frowned, thinking back, then she nodded. “Yeah. Oh! That was Frank? Wow… You guys… Uh. You didn’t waste any time, huh?”   
Gerard laughed a little. “Him staying at my place was a little… Unexpected. But we weren’t together right away, it took us both a little time.”   
“So when is he gonna come down here again? You know I’d kinda like to meet him, properly.”  
Gerard didn’t answer right away.  
After their previous outing, Frank had expressed no wishes to venture out again, which, Gerard thought, was completely understandable.   
He had been wondering if he should bring the subject up though. The idea of going out, during the day, knowing Frank would never agree to going out at night. The night is ‘Jimmy’s territory’, as Frank had described it.   
They were both relieved nothing had come of them going out, but he knew Frank would be unwilling to risk it again, at least so soon.   
Gerard shook his head, shrugged, “I don’t know, Nikki. Soon, maybe.”   
“He doesn’t like going out?” Nikki probed, gently.   
Gerard turned to face her, “It’s… Complicated.”   
Nikki felt Gerard’s gaze right on her. She nodded, “Okay. I’m sorry.”   
“Don’t be. You couldn’t know.”   
“I’m still sorry.” Nikki continued. “I had a friend, she hated going out too. I always went to her.”  
She turned to go and focus on another part of the store, but she paused.   
“She got better though. Frank will too.” 

Gerard was slightly amazed, and very grateful.  
He knew it, he knew Frank would be okay, or at least as close to okay as he needed to be. But to hear someone else, and someone so unexpected, say it, felt like everything was being reconfirmed.   
Which, Gerard didn’t like to admit, he needed sometimes. 

##

Another evening, spent on the couch, they liked it like this. It was something they seemed to have done together since the very beginning. It was how they’d first started to let themselves close to each other. The two of them sitting together, a film on, which they sometimes watched, sometimes just had as background. Just… being together. 

Tonight, Frank was watching the film, his back against the armrest, snuggled back into the couch, while Gerard sat the other end, his back against the other arm rest. Both their feet were up on the couch, in the middle, legs comfortably over one another.   
Gerard did have his legs slightly up however, using them as a rest for the notebook he’d propped up against them.   
He was only half watching the film. Caught up with a desire to create, he was more focused on his drawing than the screen.  
He did, however, look up at irregular intervals, smiling slightly at Frank, who seemed oblivious to the fact he was being watched at all.   
A very carefully placed ashtray sat between them, on top of their feet, both of them having to lean forward to use it.  
Frank did so without taking his eyes off the screen, so very slowly.  
Gerard smiled as he watched, his own cigarette held, gently between his lips.  
It was then that Frank seemed to become aware he was being watched, he looked up, looking a little startled.   
“What?” Frank asked.  
Gerard laughed, shaking his head and taking his cigarette out of his mouth. Gerard leaned forward then, dropping his legs slightly as he reached his spare hand out, curling gently around the back of Frank’s head, pulling him forward, kissing him softly.   
Gerard went to back off then, but Frank wouldn’t let him, not right away. Deepening the kiss, mouths opening slightly, before Frank finally pulled away.   
He moved up, though, picking up the ashtray, setting it on the floor before climbing over to join Gerard on his end of the couch. Gerard moved over, and let Frank lay against him, one arm wrapped around Frank.  
“What’re you drawing?” Frank asked, as he settled himself down, and replaced his cigarette.   
Gerard shrugged. “Just… Things.”   
Frank nodded, taking the book out of Gerard’s hand, inspecting it.   
In a way, Gerard had been right. He had been drawing ‘things’. Lot’s of different things, nothing seeming to be related to each other.   
His eye was immediately drawn to one image, however.

Gerard was once again watching Frank, watching the slow, careful way his eyes roamed over the page, taking it in.   
Saw him focus on something, towards the bottom of the page. 

Frank reached up, and ran his fingers over the small, but detailed drawing.   
A rabbit, dressed in mans clothes, a top hat, a pocket watch trailing behind him as he ran, wild eyed.  
“Follow the white rabbit.” Frank said, softly, barely realising he’d spoken at all.   
“You like Lewis Carrol?” Gerard asked, startling Frank.  
For a second there, he’d been somewhere else entirely.   
He looked up, looking almost as startled as the rabbit depicted.   
“The rabbit.” Gerard said, “It’s from Alice in Wonderland.”  
Frank smiled then, and nodded. “I know. It… I knew someone who used to draw them, white rabbits I mean. She drew them everywhere. I think… I think she meant for it to be a warning.”   
Gerard frowned as he reached out, carefully brushing Frank‘s hair back. “What do you mean?”   
“It was… It was a warning… Not to fall down the rabbit hole. Don’t take the thing that say’s ‘eat me’. Or the stuff that says ‘drink me’.” Frank explained. Then he closed his eyes, sighing. “It was a warning against Saint Jimmy.”  
Gerard, instinctively, went to close the notebook, but Frank’s hand over his own stopped him.   
“It doesn’t make me think of him.” Frank said. “It makes me think of her. She was the only one who tried to keep me safe.”  
He looked up at Gerard then, and smiled. “Would you believe me if I told you her name was Alice?”   
Gerard smiled back, kissed him, carefully again. “I would. She sounds pretty amazing.”   
Frank nodded. “She is.”

Gerard had a million questions he wanted to ask, but Frank had gone silent. He’d put out his cigarette and curled up close against Gerard, only half watching the film himself now, more intent on watching the page over which Gerard still hovered with his pencil.   
His own cigarette going back between his lips, Gerard put his pencil back to paper, and continued to draw, knowing Frank’s eyes were following him intently.   
He turned the page over, and drew again the running rabbit, better he thought.   
Then he drew more from the classic story.  
A long table, with the March Hare and the Mad Hatter sitting at opposite ends. A Cheshire Cat watched from over head.  
The Red Queen appeared, as did a few guards.  
And then, finally, along came Alice. 

Gerard glanced down, and saw Frank smiling. He clearly knew, and appreciated what Gerard had done.

Gerard continued drawing, not paying any attention to time passing, as often happened when he was caught up with an idea.  
He found, when he was done, that Frank had, at some point during the process, fallen asleep. The usual hand gently gripping Gerard’s shirt, as it always did when Frank slept.

Carefully setting his things down, Gerard shifted so he could lift Frank, careful not to wake him.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very busy chapter for Frank and Gerard.  
> A phone call for Gerard ends up being a big turn point for Frank.  
> An unexpected outing provides Frank with further confidence, and he finds a friend in someone unlikely.  
> And the couple begin thinking more seriously about their relationship.  
> Meanwhile... The people of Frank's past are eager to catch up with him.

Frank rarely noticed it, but the phone didn’t often ring at Gerard’s place.  
In fact, he really only realised when the phone _did_ ring, often making him jump with the unexpected noise. 

Tonight it was Gerard’s parents, specifically his mother calling.  
At first she attempted to make out she’d called for a specific reason.  
Eventually admitting that, simply, she was missing ‘her boys’ and wanted to hear their voices again.  
“It’s not like we moved far, mom! You could come and visit us, you know?” Gerard teased.  
Frank, who was listening in, but pretending he wasn’t, laughed softly at that.  
Gerard looked over at him and winked.  
“And you could come and visit us just as easy.” Gerard’s mother argued.  
“Yes mom.” Gerard replied, rolling his eyes.  
“Don’t roll your eyes at me.”  
“How-?”  
“I’m your mother. I know everything.”  
At that, Gerard laughed. “Guess so.” He said. “Have you spoken to Mikey lately?”

Frank left Gerard talking for a while, heading into the kitchen to find something to snack on.  
He was aware, and pleased, that he’d put weight back on since he’d been with Gerard. When he caught sight of himself in the bathroom mirror, or the bedroom mirror as he was changing, he realised there weren’t so many bones visible. He was still slim, but he had been even before… Everything.

While he had his head buried in one of the cupboards, having to lean in, Gerard followed him into the kitchen.  
“Frank.”  
Careful not to bang his head, Frank pulled his head back out, looking expectantly at Gerard. He saw that the phone was still in his hand, held at his shoulder.  
“My mom asked… She’d like to speak to you.”  
Frank went cold with nerves.  
The look on Gerard’s face didn’t help. He looked nervous too, but hopeful.  
He was making it very, very clear, this was important. 

Frank shook his head, not as an answer, not intentionally anyway, but because the thought terrified him.  
“Gee. I can’t, I’ll-”  
“Frank, it’s okay. She’s not scary, I promise. It’ll be fine.”  
He paused, then added, “She’s never asked before.”  
The full weight of the situation dawned on Frank.  
Gerard’s mom had never asked to speak with the person Gerard was seeing.  
Then he remembered, last time Gerard had spoken to her, she’d said she wanted to meet Frank.  
Gerard had said then too, she’d never asked that before either. 

Finally, Frank nodded, and held out his hand for the phone.  
Gerard mouthed a ‘thank you’, and handed it over. 

Before Frank even got the phone up to his ear, Gerard had left the room.  
Frank wished he hadn’t done that, but he understood why he had, thinking it would be better if Frank had some privacy, that he’d be more nervous with Gerard there.  
Truth was, Frank didn’t know what would make him less nervous. 

“Hello?”  
“Hello, Frank, right?”  
Frank closed his eyes, and leant back against the counter.  
“Yes, um, Mrs Way, this is Frank.”  
“Don’t feel that you have to call me that, you can call me Donna, if that makes it easier for you. I can hear you’re nervous.”  
Frank smiled, she was every bit as perceptive as her son. “Thank you, but, uh, if you don’t mind, I’d like to stick to Mrs Way, for now.”  
“Sure thing. Now, underneath all that nervousness, I can hear a very familiar accent. You’re not from Jersey, are you?”  
Frank’s eyes opened wide then. It was the first time his accent had been mentioned since he got to the city. “Uh. Yes, yes I am.” He replied.  
“And somehow you and my son ended up finding each other in the big city? Well, there’s fate for you. Make sure next time you’re heading back to see your family, you take Gerard with you and make him come and see us. He’s not been back home for nearly a year!”  
Frank didn’t feel like explaining his situation with home, not now that it was so important to make a good impression.  
“I will.” He replied instead.  
“Good.”  
There was a silence, and Frank was briefly worried that he was the one who was meant to fill it.  
He was relieved when the silence was broken on the other end.  
“Now, I’m sure Gerard’s scared the life out of you by telling you I’ve never asked to speak to one of his partners before.”  
Frank wasn’t sure if he should reply or not, eventually, he did, “Yeah. He… Mentioned that.”  
“Well, it’s true. As far as I’m concerned, who he’s seeing is his business. I’ve met a couple of them over the years. One very lovely girlfriend who came over to stay every time Gerard came back home. I understand they remained friends after. Do you know her?”  
Frank was shaking, it sounded like this girl was held in high regard.  
“N- No.” Frank replied, his voice shaking harder. “I’m afraid I don’t.”  
“Oh, well. She was nice, but I told Gerard from the start, she wasn’t right for him.”  
Frank’s eyes snapped open.  
He hadn’t expected that one.  
“Oh, of course he argued with me. And did his damnedest to prove me wrong. But, it wasn’t exactly a surprise when I got the phone call telling me I was right all along.”  
Frank’s head was spinning now.  
What was he supposed to think?  
Or say?  
“Then there was the amusing run in with his first boyfriend… I’m certain I’ve never seen Gerard blush so hard.”  
Frank had given up trying to answer, he’d wait for a question, that was the best thing. His mind was so scrambled with thoughts and worries, there was no point trying to figure out a response.  
“Anyway.” Mrs Way said, “I’m sure you don’t want to hear anymore about them. The truth is, all of them were chance encounters and people Gerard brought to me on his own. You, on the other hand…”  
Frank could feel himself holding his breath, terrified of where this was going.  
“You can thank my Mikey for this conversation. He gave you very high praise. And, well, Gerard’s good at looking after other people, but he’s not good at looking after himself sometimes, especially when it comes to relationships. He thinks I don’t know it. But, Mikey, Mikey knows what, and who is good for Gerard. And, he tells me… You’re good for Gerard.”  
Frank closed his eyes, tight then.  
He was trying not to cry.  
Knowing that Mikey had said that about him…  
Frank was overwhelmed.  
“Frank? Are you still there?”  
Suddenly realising that _now_ was a good time to reply, Frank forced back the tears and said, “I- I’m pleased Mikey said that. Beyond pleased, it… It means a lot.”  
“It certainly does. When it comes to each other, my boys are protective and perceptive. And, if Mikey says you’re good for Gerard… Then I believe it.”  
“Th- Thank you.” Frank replied.  
“No.” She said, softly. “Thank you.”  
That near enough finished Frank off.  
He looked up then, and caught sight of Gerard, peering in through the doorway. He pulled himself back as soon as he was spotted.  
Frank shook his head, and held out his hand to Gerard, who came in, taking Frank’s hand, holding it tight, then moving up behind Frank, wrapping his arms around him.  
Frank closed his eyes as he leant back against Gerard.  
“Now, I do hope he’s looking after you, Frank. I understand you two are living together at his place, so he’d better be making sure you both eat, and sleep. He let’s you have some control over the TV you watch, right?”  
Frank laughed, softly, “Yes, Mrs Way, he takes very good care of me.”  
“Good. Now you tell him his mother said he’s not to mess this up. He’s not to let you go, alright?”  
Frank smiled, “I’ll tell him.”  
“Good.” 

Gerard took the phone again after that, and, before long said goodbye, with the usual promises to talk soon.

“It went alright?” Gerard asked, nervously, as Frank turned around in his arms to face him.  
Frank nodded.  
“What did she say to tell me?”  
Frank smiled. “She said… You’re not to mess this up. And you’re not… You’re not to let me go.”  
Gerard kissed him, curling his arms tighter around Frank.  
“I don’t intend to.” He said, softly.

###

A little later, once they’d gotten into bed and settled in, Gerard reached across Frank, his hand going towards the drawers.  
Frank immediately saw he was going to the second drawer down. He remembered what was in there.  
His heart started beating hard.  
Gerard couldn't be thinking of...  
Obviously seeing, or sensing Franks worry, Gerard said, "It's okay, I just want to show you something."  
Gerard sat up as he pulled the drawer open, and Frank pushed himself up too.  
Frank looked in, the same contents as last time were in there.  
He looked away quickly.  
"I cleared it out." Gerard said, making Frank look again in curiosity, which though he tried, he couldn't deny.  
Gerard was right, the empty wrappers were gone from the bottom of the drawer.  
Then Gerard pulled out the box of condoms, and Frank noticed the top was still on it, the box un-crumpled.  
"Threw out the old pack, this ones new." Gerard explained. Frank nodded, he realised that.  
Gerard reached back in, "This is new too." He said, bringing a familiar looking tube out.  
Frank stared at it, though he didn't have to look for long to know he was looking at lubricant.  
"I got them because... Because you said you'd... Thought about it and. And I want to be prepared. When you're ready." Gerard explained, a little nervously.  
Frank had taken the tube from Gerard now, still staring at it.  
It was worrying Gerard now. "Frank. I didn't-"  
"There's no fingerprints on this one." Frank said, quietly, remembering the unsettling, smudged prints on the previous tube, created from a dried form of the substance inside. The thing that had unsettled Frank further was knowing the fingerprints weren't Gerard's.  
"No. There's not." Gerard said, calmly, though his eyes darted between that and Franks face, trying to understand what he was thinking.  
"It's... We'll be the first to use it."  
Gerard said nothing at first, not knowing what to say. Then, eventually he replied "We will. When you're ready." He reiterated.  
Frank nodded. Then he popped the lid, squeezing out a small bead. Closing it again, placing it on his lap. Bringing his finger up to his face, Frank slowly worked the stuff between his thumb and finger, frowning softly.  
Gerard watched him, not understanding quite what he was doing, but entranced by his actions.  
Frank looked up at him then, and smiled, shyly.  
“Sorry.” He said. “I, uh… I guess I just wanted to test it out.”  
Gerard nodded.  
Then he took the tube from him, put it back in the drawer, closing it.  
Gerard was frowning slightly, not looking at Frank.  
“I’m… I’m not trying to rush you, okay? I… I wouldn’t do that.” He said, quietly.  
“I know that.” Frank replied, slightly confused by the statement.  
“I just… I don’t want you to think I-”  
Frank was laughing then, quietly, and Gerard looked up at him, still frowning. “What?”  
Frank shook his head, then reached out his hand, curling carefully around the back of Gerard’s neck, pulling him closer to kiss him. “You worry so much.” Frank said.  
Gerard smiled, briefly. “I guess.”  
“Don’t.” Frank told him. “We already have one nervous wreck in this relationship, we don’t need two.” He teased.  
Gerard rolled his eyes, though he enjoyed the fact Frank was able to make light of himself, for once.  
They kissed again, then, just as they laid back down, Frank said, “I like knowing you’re prepared. It makes it feel like… It feels safe.”  
Gerard didn’t reply, so Frank had to open his eyes, and saw him smiling. 

###

Not that morning, but the next, it was Gerard’s turn to be surprised. 

He’d got up at his usual time for work, carefully getting up and out of bed, and getting on with his usual routine. Leaving Frank, as always, still asleep.  
When Gerard came back into the room to change, instead of finding Frank in his usual, still curled up position under the covers, he found him awake, sat up in bed, one hand pushing back through his hair while his eyes attempted to blink his sleepiness away.  
“Morning.” Gerard said, pleasantly surprised. “Don’t usually see you awake at this time.”  
Frank shook his head. “I could hear you in the kitchen.”  
Gerard nodded, then carried on over to the wardrobe.  
Just as he was starting to get dressed, Frank surprised him for the second time that morning.  
“Gee?”  
“Hmm?”  
“Can I come with you?”  
Gerard turned around, trying to figure out what Frank was asking.  
Frank laughed, amused by his perplexed look. “I mean… Can I come to work with you today?”  
Still, Gerard stared.  
“I- I mean… You asked before, and I said no, but now… I guess… I mean I’ve woken up early anyway and-”  
“Yes!” Gerard interrupted, suddenly, startling Frank at first, then simply making them both laugh. “Yes.” Gerard repeated, quieter, calmer. “I- I just wasn’t…” He trailed off.  
Frank was pleased to note Gerard was smiling, broadly.  
Frank smiled back, pleased to know he was the cause of the other mans smile.  
“Okay.” Gerard said, breaking them both out of their temporary silence. “Um. Right. You go into the bathroom, I’ve already washed, so don’t worry about holding me up. Uh…”  
Frank grinned as he slipped out of bed, liking the fact that Gerard was trying to organise the morning.  
“Then, uh. We can get breakfast on the way, yeah? Grab something and eat at the store, Ray won’t mind.”  
Frank nodded. “Sounds good.” He said. “I’ll… I’ll try not to take too long in the shower.” He added, a little nervously.  
Gerard grabbed his hand, pausing his progress. “Take the time you need.” Gerard insisted.  
Another nod, then Gerard pulled him closer. “God, you’re amazing.” Gerard told him, quietly. Frank shook his head then, but Gerard nodded his insistence. 

Frank did take a little longer in the shower than he’d planned. He’d been fine, almost ready to get out even, when he remembered he was going out, and how much that still scared him.  
 _You’ve done it before now, and everything was fine. You can do it again. It’s the day, the day is safe._  
Still, he couldn’t quite shake his uneasiness. Though the fact he knew the people where he was going did help some. 

When Frank returned to the bedroom, Gerard was already dressed. He’d even pulled out clothes for Frank to change into, ready for him.  
In the end, they were only at the door ten minutes later than Gerard usually left.  
Frank grabbed down the hoodie Gerard had given him last time they’d gone out, pulled it on, and zipped it up. He felt that same feeling of calm wash over him as he’d felt last time.  
Then Gerard took his hand.  
“Ready to go?” 

When they got outside, Frank let go of Gerard’s hand to pull his hood up.  
As he took Gerard’s hand again, Gerard squeezed gently. “You okay?”  
Frank nodded. “Yeah. I just…”  
Another squeeze told him he didn’t have to explain. 

They stopped at a coffee place just down the road from the Gerard’s work.  
As soon as he walked in, the girl slumped over the counter looked up, then smiled. “Gee! Well, this is a surprise. Don’t usually see you until lunchtime. You starting late?”  
Gerard smiled, “Not intentionally. But I figured if I’m gonna be late, I might as well have coffee while Ray kicks my ass about it.”  
The girl rolled her eyes. “Yeah right, like he would.”  
She’d already gone to the coffee machine, not needing to wait for Gerard’s order.  
Then her eyes drifted to Frank, and her smile softened. “Oh and hi there. Didn’t mean to ignore you.”  
Frank pushed his hood down, suddenly feeling more conspicuous with it, and gave a quiet ‘hello’ back.  
“Jules, this is Frank.” Gerard said, a hint of pride in his voice. “My boyfriend.” He added.  
Jules shook her head. “Well I guessed he was something special with the way you’re gripping each others hands so tight.” She teased.  
Gerard glanced down at Frank’s hand in his, then laughed. “Yeah, well, you always were very perceptive.”  
Jules narrowed her eyes, “I’m a barista. I see all kinds of things.” Then she laughed, before looking Frank over again. “Damn. It’s always the pretty ones, ain’t it?” She sighed.  
Frank blushed.  
Had he just been called pretty?  
“Jules. Coffee, c’mon, it’s nearly nine and my caffeine intake is dwindling.” Gerard nudged, playfully.  
Jules raised her eyebrow at him, then gave a pointed look at Frank. “How do you put up with his impatient ass?”  
Frank said nothing, but smiled.  
So far, the morning was going pretty well. 

They got to the shop just after nine, both sipping their coffee, while Gerard had the bag with ‘breakfast’ dangling from his wrist.

As soon as they were in the door, they heard “You’re late.”  
Ray was sat behind the counter, and he hadn’t looked up.  
“No such thing as late around here, Ray.” Gerard said. “Only different versions of ‘on time’.”  
“No.” Ray argued. “Nikki was on time. You’re late.”  
Then he looked up, and saw Frank standing there, just a little behind Gerard.  
“Frank!” Ray looked surprised, but pleased.  
“Hey.” Frank replied.  
“We were kinda hoping… Is it okay if Frank hangs out here today?” Gerard asked, a little nervously.  
“Of course!” 

Gerard grabbed a stool for Frank to sit on up behind the counter.  
He watched Ray as he did this, waiting for Ray to remind him that no non-staff members were allowed back there.  
Ray said nothing, however.

Nikki came down the stairs just after that, smiled and nodded a hello at Gerard, then caught sight of Frank.  
Her eyes went wide, and she once again looked over at Gerard, who smiled, just slightly.  
“Good morning Frank.” Nikki said, smiling softly at him. “Good to see you again.”  
Frank nodded, then Nikki came closer, having to brush past Gerard, who was watching her, almost suspicious.  
“I’m sorry about the last time we met.” Nikki said to Frank. “I know you mustn’t have the best impression of me.”  
Frank shook his head. “It’s okay. I know I just… Caught you off guard.”  
Nikki laughed, a pretty, light laugh. “You could say that.”  
Then she turned her attention back to Gerard. “I hope you’re not thinking of making me do all the work today just because your boyfriend’s here.”  
Gerard rolled his eyes. “Well, you know, figured it’s about time you actually did some work, Nikki.” He teased back.  
“Ray! He’s saying I don’t do any work!”  
“Well, you’re not doing any right now, so maybe he has a point.” Ray replied, once again, not looking up.  
“But neither is Gerard!” Nikki protested, giving Frank a sideways look, the grin on her face and mischievous look in her eyes making it obvious she was trying to play the two men up.  
Frank couldn’t help but grin back.  
“Gerard’s catching up on his breakfast, I’m not having him fainting on me because he hasn’t eaten or consumed enough coffee.”  
Nikki shot a fake glare at Gerard, who looked up and stuck his tongue out at her.  
“Ray!”  
“Children.” Ray said, looking up finally. “Either behave or stop whining to me about it.”

After Gerard finished eating breakfast, and finished his coffee, he pushed back his stool, placing his hand over Frank’s, and squeezed, gently.  
Frank looked up, waiting for Gerard to say something, knowing he was about to.  
“I’d better get some work done.”  
“Okay.”  
“I won’t be far.”  
Frank grinned, slightly, and looked around the fairly small store, then back to Gerard, his eyebrow raised.  
Gerard also glanced around the store, then rolled his eyes, mostly at himself. “Shut up.” He muttered, teasingly.  
Frank laughed, softly, and watched him go. 

The day passed pretty smoothly, not fast, but not too slow either.  
Most of the time Frank stayed behind the counter, with Ray, either chatting, or listening to him play.  
It was so easy being around Ray, he couldn’t help but be relaxed in his presence.  
Gerard came back to Frank as often as he could, leaning across the counter, taking his hand.  
Frank was kinda glad Gerard didn’t try to kiss him. He wasn’t sure he was quite ready for any public displays like that, but, of course, Gerard guessed that without being told. 

When they headed up to the staffroom for lunch though, Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard and pulled him close almost as soon as the door was shut behind them.  
They stopped just short of kissing, just enjoying the closeness for a while.  
Then Gerard closed the small gap between then, kissing Frank gently, carefully, which was answered with a much deeper, more urgent kiss from Frank.  
“I’ve been wanting to kiss you for hours.” Gerard admitted.  
Frank agreed, pulling him close again.

An hour later, there was a knock on the door, which they both ignored.  
“Uh, guys. Ray’s kinda wondering-” Nikki cut short as she opened the door.  
She smiled, just a little, when she saw the two boys, sat on the couch, their hands in each others, kissing lightly.  
Frank noticed first, and broke the kiss immediately.  
It took Gerard a second to turn around to see what had made Frank pause.  
“Oh!” His eyes went wide when he saw Nikki. “We… Uh…”  
“I’ll tell Ray you’ll be down in a minute.” Nikki said, her smile brightening, kindly.  
Gerard nodded, appreciative. 

Gerard did go down, but Frank didn’t. He said he wanted to stay up here for a while.  
“Frank… I hope… It was only Nikki, okay? She doesn’t care.”  
Frank shook his head. “It’s not that.” He lied. “I’ll come down in a bit, okay Gee?”  
Reluctantly, Gerard headed down without him. 

Frank hadn’t wanted for Gerard to have to leave without him. It wasn’t what either of them had wanted.  
But Frank was too embarrassed. He couldn’t go down, not just yet.  
He knew it wasn’t even as if him and Gerard had been doing anything bad, or wrong. But, just as he’d suspected, he still couldn’t deal with people seeing them, even just kissing, even if it was someone they knew.  
Frank curled in on himself on the couch. Tried to ignore the damning worries about himself going backwards. 

Of course, his plan to stay upstairs backfired quite quickly.  
He hadn’t realised that it was Nikki’s turn for lunch next. 

He looked up as the door opened.  
“Hey Frank.” Nikki said, softly.  
Frank managed a murmured ‘hey’ back, before he looked away, nervously.  
Nikki frowned, then she pulled up one of the chairs, opposite the couch. “Hey, what’s wrong?”  
Frank shook his head, unwilling to talk about it.  
“Gerard said you were staying up here for a bit.” Nikki continued, noticeably carefully. “I… I get the feeling that has something to do with me?”  
Frank looked up again then, but said nothing.  
Nikki laughed, but not unkindly. “Oh, Frank. Really? It’s not a big deal, really. I thought it was cute!”  
Frank raised his eyebrow at her, but still, said nothing.  
Nikki sighed. “I guess it’s a big deal for you though. And, in that case, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel embarrassed though, okay? It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”  
Then, with a small grin, she added, “Surely you’re not saying your ashamed to be kissing Gerard?”  
With that, Frank’s eyes went wide, “No!” He exclaimed, startled when he realised that was what it had seemed like.  
Nikki laughed. “Ah, and finally I get him to speak!” She said, triumphantly.  
Frank smiled, in spite of himself. “Yeah.” He said. “I… I wasn’t meaning to give you the silent treatment. I just… It’s weird for me, people seeing me… Doing stuff like that.”  
Nikki looked at him, carefully, trying to work that out. Then she got up, and went over to the counter, to make herself a drink, and grab some food.  
“Gerard remembered to get food for your both during lunch, right?” Nikki asked, changing the subject completely.  
“Yeah. We ate.”  
“Good.”

Nikki came back over, her lunch prepared, and sat at the table, still facing Frank.  
After a while, she asked. “So, is Gerard the first?”  
“Huh?”  
“First boyfriend you’ve had?”  
Frank stared at her for a while, then she looked up, her turn to look embarrassed. “Sorry. I’m not very tactful.”  
And, at that, Frank had to laugh. “Not gonna argue there.” He said. Then, after a pause, he said. “And… Well. Technically. Yeah.”  
“Technically?” Nikki pushed.  
“Yeah.” Frank replied, not giving in.  
Thankfully, Nikki let it drop. 

There was a little, slightly more comfortable silence, then Nikki said, “You know… I meant what I said, about the kiss being cute.”  
Frank looked away. He’d hoped this conversation was long over.  
“But, I don’t just mean the kiss.” Nikki added. “I think… I think you two are cute, together.” Then she looked up, waiting for Frank to look at her again. “You know, I could tell he had someone, even before I met you? I knew he’d met someone, and he was scared, and he was happy. I was jealous, of course. But I was happy. Because, if anyone in the world deserves to be happy, it’s Gerard.”  
Frank smiled at that, and nodded, he could only, whole hearted agree with that. 

They talked easier then, a little about Gerard, a little about other things. 

Then, eventually, there came yet another blunt, unexpected question,  
“Do you think the two of you will get married?”  
Frank, who had been entirely lulled into a false sense of security looked up, startled. “Uh-”  
“Sorry.” Nikki winced. “There I go with my lack of tact again, huh?”  
Frank nodded, but quickly added. “It- It’s okay though.”  
“I shouldn’t ask that stuff. It’s not my business. Gerard would tell me off.”  
Frank laughed at that. “Yeah, he probably would.”  
Nikki looked up again, and said, completely seriously, “I can really see it though, you know? The two of you. All dressed up. Standing together, in front of everyone. I can see you slipping the rings on each others fingers. I can see him kissing you on the cheek, because he knows you wouldn’t want him to kiss you on the lips, not in front of everyone. I can see you blushing. You know you blush, right? When he looks at you a certain way. And I can see you, gripping his hands so tight, because you truly never, never want to let him go.”  
Frank stared at her, not knowing what to say.  
Not knowing how to express how much he suddenly wanted that and how, yes, that’s probably how it would go.  
Nikki kept eye contact for a few beats more, then shook her head, laughed, softly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say these things.”  
She looked, sideways at Frank then, trying to gauge his reaction, worried she’s upset him.  
Pleased to see him smiling. 

When Nikki’s lunch was over, they both headed back downstairs.  
Gerard looked up from his slouched position over the counter, and smiled, brightly when he saw Frank.  
“Oh, Gerard, I would’ve killed to have you smile at me like that.” Nikki sighed, quite obviously teasing.  
Gerard rolled his eyes, and ignored her, hurrying around the other side of the counter, to join Frank just as he got to the bottom of the stairs.  
“Okay now?” Gerard asked, softly. Frank nodded.  
“Good.” Gerard said, leaning close to kiss Frank on the cheek.  
Frank couldn’t help but think about what Nikki had said. 

The rest of the day seemed to hurry past, and soon the shop was shutting.  
Frank had stayed downstairs the rest of the day, even when Gerard went upstairs to make more coffee for everyone.  
A few customers asked who he was, and, without fail, one of them would say “friend of Gerard’s”.  
There were only a few that Frank thought figured out what that really meant.  
And, he found, he didn’t mind.  
He was actually kinda proud. 

It was dark out by the time the shop was fully closed up.  
This thought hadn’t occurred to either Frank or Gerard, and as soon as Frank caught sight of the darkness outside, he felt frozen.  
He leant back, close to Gerard, who immediately realised what was wrong.  
“Shit.” Gerard sighed.  
“It… It’s not that far, right?” Frank said, trying to sound confident.  
He knew he didn’t, he knew his voice was shaking.  
 _Fuck. Fuck. No. It’s night. Jimmy will be out there somewhere. And if not him, he has other eyes. So many other eyes. He-_  
“I can give you guys a lift.”  
Frank looked around, snapped out of his fear but an unexpected voice.  
It took him a second to figure out it was Nikki who’d spoken.  
“Oh-” Frank said, hurriedly. “No. No. It, uh, it’s okay. I-”  
“That’d be great Nikki. I mean, so long as it’s not too much trouble?” Gerard spoke over him.  
Frank looked at Gerard, surprised.  
Gerard looked back, calmly.  
Nikki shrugged. “It’s fine, I haven’t got anyplace to be tonight. You’re gonna have to help me with directions though.” 

The car ride was not as awkward as it could’ve been.  
It was also helped by the fact it was a very short ride.  
Once they stopped outside the building, the two boys got out, and thanked Nikki.  
“Really. I don’t… I don’t think you realise how grateful we are.” Gerard said, quietly, as Frank dashed to stand in the doorway, out of sight, and out of the cold.  
Nikki glanced over at Frank, and smiled, just slightly, “Oh, I have an idea.” She said, softly.  
“Goodnight, Gee.” She said, then, calling past him, she shouted, “Night, Frank!”  
Frank waved a goodbye back. 

Back up in the apartment, once coats and jackets and bags were off and in their rightful place, Frank started to walk into the living room, and he was suddenly halted, as Gerard’s hand grabbed his.  
He turned, and found himself enveloped in Gerard’s arms.  
“Thank you, for today.” Gerard said, softly.  
He didn’t need to say it, Frank knew, could feel Gerard’s pride in him washing over him.  
It felt so good. 

###

Later that night, while they were in bed, content to just lay together for now, Frank continued running through some of the things Nikki had said.  
“Gee.” He said, eventually.  
“Hmm?”  
“Do you think… Do you think we’ll get married some day?”  
Gerard looked down at him, frowning ever so slightly at the suddenness of the question. Then he laughed, softly, and pulled Frank in closer.  
“Well, that’s quite an abrupt way of proposing.” He said,  
“Oh! No! I-” Frank protested, startled when he realised what his question had sounded like.  
Gerard shook his head, and bent to kiss Frank’s cheek. “Don’t worry, I was teasing. But… What made you ask?”  
Frank shrugged. “Um… Nikki…”  
Gerard groaned, quietly. “I should’ve known.” He backed off slightly, rolling onto his back, silently cursing his co-worker.  
“Don’t be annoyed at her Gee.” Frank said. “She didn’t mean any harm. She’s just… I think she’s just excited for you.”  
Gerard glanced back over at Frank, who’d sat up, leaning over him. Gerard reached his hand up, to Frank’s cheek, pushing his fingers back into Frank’s hair. “Yeah, I know.” He said, with a small smile.  
With that hand gently guiding Frank, Gerard brought him down for a small, careful kiss.  
“You didn’t answer my question.” Frank urged.  
A small frown crossed over Gerard’s features, then he shifted over, getting Frank to lay back next to him. He waited until they were both comfortable, on their sides, facing each other.  
“Do I think we’ll get married?” Gerard repeated, slowly, as if he was carefully thinking this over.  
“Honestly?” He said, after a short pause. “I don’t know.”  
Frank felt his heart sink a little, though he hoped it didn’t show.  
It clearly did, as he felt Gerard’s hand on his face again, urging him to look up. “Do I want to marry you some day?” Gerard said, putting careful emphasis on his words. “Yes. I can’t believe there could ever be anyone I’d ever want to be with more than I want to be with you.”  
Frank couldn’t help but feel slightly relieved, he smiled.  
“Doesn’t that scare you though?” Gerard asked. “I mean, I’m fine with the whole ‘happily ever after for ever and always’ thing. That’s just the way I am, I want the romantic ending. But… Are you sure you’re okay with that? The idea of being with the same person, forever?”  
Frank frowned, not quite understanding the question. “It doesn’t scare me. Not when it’s you.”  
At that, Gerard smiled, and pulled him in close.  
In truth, Gerard had known that already, somewhere deep down inside, he’d known that was Frank’s answer. But, he was always scared of scaring Frank away, and what was scarier than the ‘being together forever’ conversation?  
“What about kids?”  
 _Well, there was always that,_ Gerard thought.  
“You’re full of surprises tonight.” He said, nuzzling close to Frank. “This another thing Nikki’s planted in your head?”  
Frank shrugged. “Kinda. But… I mean. I guess I’d always kinda imagined I’d have children. You know, eventually. And, I dunno. You seem… You seem so perfectly suited to being a dad.”  
Gerard laughed. “This is a lot of big questions for so late, Frank.”  
“We’ve gotta face the questions sometime though, right?” Frank urged.  
Gerard nodded. “Yeah. We do.” He agreed.  
“So?” Frank pushed.  
“Kids? Us? Uh…”  
“Just so you know I am fully aware we’d need to go down the adoption route. I’m pretty clued up there.” Frank teased.  
Gerard let out a mock sigh of relief. “Thank God for that. I was kinda dreading having to break it to you.”  
Frank laughed, shoving Gerard gently.  
“Anyway… Yes.” Gerard finally answered. “But, again, we’ll see. Neither of us are ready for that just yet.”  
Frank nodded his agreement. “But, now we’ve talked about it, it’ll be easier when we are ready.” He said, snuggling in close, his eyes beginning to close.  
“Uh huh.” Gerard said, his hand stroking through Frank’s hair.  
Not long after that, Frank fell asleep. 

Gerard stayed awake, thinking over everything they’d discussed.  
He’d never expected Frank to bring these big, scary topics up. But, at the same time, he knew he’d never have brought it up himself, it was only ever going to be brought up on Frank’s terms.  
Gerard found he was proud of Frank, for wanting to discuss it. And, even if both things were a long way off yet, Gerard had to admit, it felt good knowing where they both stood on them. 

###

The boys at The Phoenix was almost as excited as Jimmy was when they heard that Frank had been seen, still in the city.  
There was a possibility he really was coming back then, which only meant good things for them. 

It meant Jimmy would be in a better mood again, finally.  
It meant none of them would have to go to any of Frank’s old clients again.  
Finally, it looked like the boys were going to get a bit of a break. 

When everyone heard about Frank being seen, Harry found himself suddenly more popular than he had ever been. Everyone wanted to know what he’d seen, what he’d told Saint Jimmy, and what Saint Jimmy had said. 

It was a few days after Harry had seen him, and, for the second night, Harry had a small crowd of his fellow ‘workers’ around him. All listening intently, asking questions eagerly.  
“You saw him at the clinic?” One of the older boys asked.  
Harry nodded, and the boy screwed up his nose. “Bet Jimmy didn’t like hearing that.”  
Harry shrugged. “Jimmy didn’t really care, he was just pleased to know Frank’s still here.”  
“Do you think there’s something wrong?” Another boy asked. “Do… D’ya think Frank’s sick or something?”  
“Oh that’d be just perfect, right?” The older boy said, with an edge of annoyance to his voice.  
“I… I don’t think there was anything wrong.” Harry piped in. “Frank looked… He looked pretty healthy to me.”  
Another boy, until then very quiet said, “It’s not always a kind of sick that you can tell by looking that guys like us get.”  
Everyone went silent then, thinking what that meant.  
Some thought about Frank, and how they were sorry if it were true.  
Others thought of themselves.  
“I’m sure he’s fine.” Harry said, hurriedly, cutting the silence.  
“You said he was with someone?” The quiet boy asked.  
Harry nodded. “Yeah. He was, I guess the other guy was a little older than him. Not much though. I don’t think he’s even the same age as Jimmy.”  
The boys all nodded, thinking this over.  
“Who do you think the guy is? Do you think he’s another one like Jimmy? Or…” The boy paused, hesitant and slightly scared to offer this option. “Do you think… Do you think maybe Frank’s found… A boyfriend?”  
There was a communal sharp intake of breath.  
“Oh, shit. Jimmy really won’t fucking like that.” The older boy said. “A fellow business man? Fine, we all know Jimmy can handle that kinda shit. But a boyfriend? Nope, he’s not gonna like that one bit.”  
Harry looked, nervously at the older boy, then around at the others listening. “I, uh… I really don’t think this guy looked like he was paying for Frank’s company, or receiving money for it.”  
The other boys all closed their eyes, in slight despair.  
“So it is a boyfriend then.” One of them said, not quite a question.  
Harry nodded. “You shoulda seen… The way he was holding Frank’s hand, put his arm around him… Shit. The way he _looked_ at Frank. It was just…”  
“And Frank?”  
“He looked nervous, but that was only because of where he was, I think. He looked so much calmer around the other guy. He looked… Happy?”  
Again, there was a silence in the group.  
Then everyone started talking.  
“How the fuck did Frank manage it?” One of the boys asked, with a hint of anger, and a lot of jealousy. “How the fuck did he get out of here and end up fucking finding someone who loves him? How is that fucking possible?”  
“There no way the guy knows about Frank’s past, about his time here. No fucking way he knows. He’d run a mile if he did.”  
“Well I’m sure he’s enjoying the sex. You know what they always said about Frank, why do you think he got sent out so much?”  
“Oh yeah! I bet that’s the only reason the guy’s with him anyway. Bet it’s not even about love.”  
Harry looked up, while all this talk was going on, and saw a someone walking up to them.  
Immediately he started to attempt to hush the others, but they weren’t listening. 

Alice stood, for a good few seconds, continuing to listen to the conversation.  
She could see Harry watching her, and knew he was trying to get the others to shut up.  
He wasn’t doing very good with that.  
She knew she could do better.  
“What the fuck do any of you brats know anyway?” Alice snapped.  
Instantly, there was silence, and the boys all looked around, to stare at Alice.  
Knowing they were in trouble.  
“For one thing. Why the fuck can’t you just be happy that someone you once knew is now happy? And for another, can’t you all just get your fucking minds out of the fucking gutter? How do you know Frank’s even slept with this guy? Is it really so difficult for you to consider that?”

The older boy stood up then, and looked, squarely at Alice. “Maybe our minds are in the gutter because that’s where we constantly are, figuratively when we’re lucky enough it isn’t literally. And that’s where Frank was. Where he still fucking is. Doesn’t matter how far he fucking runs. He’s still one of us. Still just one of Jimmy’s little toys. Same as the rest of us. And you know what? I’m fucking _sick_ of the way he’s constantly fucking worshiped around here! He’s no fucking better than the rest of us! And I swear it, when he gets back _I_ will personally make sure he remembers it.”  
Alice stared at him, long and hard, while the other boys looked between them, their mouths open in shock.  
They’d all said such things about Frank, grumbled at the preferential treatment he got from Jimmy. But none would ever dare to say it to someone so close to Jimmy.  
For a moment, it looked like Alice wasn’t going to react.  
Then she punched the boy, hard enough to knock him down.  
“You don’t know shit.” She said, her voice scarily calm.  
Then, looking to the other boys, she asked, “You all share his view? That Frank doesn’t deserve to be free, happy? That he got treated ‘specially’?”  
No one dared say a word.  
“Perhaps you don’t understand that that ‘special treatment’ meant that Frank actually had it worse than any of you. At least you all get to go home to your own beds at night, alone. Frank never had that. When he was here, his home was at Jimmy’s. Do you really think he ever got the kind of rest you get to enjoy?”  
Again, no one said anything.  
Alice turned her attention back to the boy, bleeding on the floor. “As for you. If I hear one more fucking bad word about Frank leave your mouth, I might just repeat what you say to Saint Jimmy. Then you’ll know what it means to have a hard life.” 

Alice turned and left then.  
She was fuming.  
She’d always known some of the other boys held a grudge against Frank, though she never understood it. While the others banded together, they’d almost completely shut Frank out. Some of them had pretended to be his friend, as much as any of them were friends. But they’d always had nasty, harsh words for Frank behind his back.  
She knew it was because Jimmy treated him different, but it still wasn’t fair.  
They had each other, Frank had had no one.  
Well, he’d had her. But Alice knew she hadn’t been enough. 

She was so pleased when she heard Frank was okay. He was with someone who seemed to be taking care of him.  
Someone had dragged him out of the rabbit hole. 

“Alice!”  
She stopped when she heard her name, and turned around, curiously.  
Harry was standing there, looking at her with his usual wide eyed expression.  
“I- I just… I just wanted to say… I- I don’t think those things about Frank… I… I’m pleased for him.”  
Alice smiled slightly at him.  
But then, she remembered what had prompted the nasty conversation she’d walked in on in the first place. “And yet you were the one to tell Jimmy you’d seen him.” Alice said, coldly.  
Immediately, Harry looked nervous. “I- Um. I didn’t… I didn’t think I had a choice! Jimmy said-”  
Alice sighed, she knew it was useless, trying to tell this boy what he’d done was wrong.  
Of course he’d had no other choice.  
“I know. I know, I’m sorry, Harry. It’s just…”  
Harry was slightly taken aback that Alice knew his name, his wide eyes got a little wider.  
He clearly didn’t expect anyone to remember his name.  
Then he frowned. “You… Do you love him?” Harry asked, nervously.  
Alice smiled, just a little. “Not in the way you’re thinking Harry, no. I have no attraction to Frank. Only…” She stopped, thinking it over. “I guess I’d say I love him like a brother.”  
Harry nodded, understanding.  
“I… If I see Frank again, I won’t tell Jimmy.” Harry promised, quickly.  
But, surprisingly, Alice shook her head, and told him, very seriously “No, don’t go getting yourself into trouble with Jimmy, okay?”  
“But-”  
“I’ll do the looking after Frank.” Alice said.  
Then, again, that smile. “It’s what I’ve been trying to do almost since the day I met him anyway.”


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank is becoming slowly bolder, and more confidence in himself and his relationship with Gerard. But now the hurdles are becoming bigger, and tougher to over come. Thankfully Gerard is not one to rush, and is ever ready with comfort and support.  
> And meanwhile, we take a look through Johnny's eyes, and see what he truly thinks of Jimmy, Frank and the whole situation.

It’d been a little while now since the night they’d found out Frank’s results from the clinic.   
They’d known, almost immediately, that they’d been too hasty. Frank especially, thinking he was free, and able to have sex just because the test results said he was healthy. Of course, as Gerard had said, it was deeper than that.   
But, Frank was more than pleased to realise, it was becoming steadily easier. He found himself able to allow more things to happen.  
He knew it was only because Gerard was so patient, so careful, always stopping and waiting to see if Frank was okay with what was going on. 

A few times now, Gerard had pulled his shirt off, and Frank had let him take his shirt off too.  
It’d felt nice, having their skin touching like that, pressed close. 

One night, both their shirts already off, to be found on the floor in the morning, the two of them pressed close together, their kisses hot, but still sweet, their hands wandering over skin like they had when the shirts had still been on.   
Gerard hadn’t realised there was one part of Frank’s chest he hadn’t explored before.  
A very soft moan escaped Frank’s lips when Gerard’s fingers glanced gently over his nipple.  
Gerard looked up, slightly surprised by the sound.   
Frank had hid his face against the pillow, but when he looked up, he was smiling, shyly.  
He’d only hidden his face because he was embarrassed, and Gerard found that infinitely adorable. He could even make out a slight blush to Frank’s cheeks.   
“I- Uh-” Frank muttered, still smiling, trying to hide it.   
Gerard kissed him, softly, then grinned at him, sliding his thumb back over Frank’s nipple.  
Again, that soft little moan, and Frank closed his eyes, opening them quickly, looking at Gerard as his blush deepened.  
“I think I found your soft spot, huh?” Gerard teased, his thumb swiping over the nipple again.  
“Uh-” Frank stuttered, his eyelids fluttering slightly as Gerard moved his thumb, again.  
Frank nodded then. “Uh huh. I. Um. Fuck. It- It just feels-”  
The thumb glided over again, slow this time.   
“I just like it.” Frank gasped out, while he could.   
“Yeah?” Gerard asked, bending down and kissing Frank’s lips, kissing him deeply, while his thumb worked in a slow circle around Frank’s nipple.  
It was amazing to Gerard when Frank moaned, again softly, into his mouth.   
Gerard moved his mouth to Frank’s ear, and asked, “What do you like? What do you want me to do?”  
His thumb continued to move, going back and forth, occasionally going in circles, playing softly with this wonderfully sensitive, and apparently effective part of Frank’s body.  
“Keep- Keep doing that.” Frank said. Then, after a pause, “Don’t leave out the other one.”   
“Of course.” Gerard replied, making Frank’s breathing hitch as his other hand reached for Frank’s other nipple, similar movements being carried out as the first.   
A gentle pinch made Frank’s eyes fly open.  
“Okay?” Gerard asked.   
“Yes. God, yes.”   
Then Gerard lowered his mouth, a gentle lick first, then he was sucking, softly on Frank’s nipple, while his thumb still worked on the other one.

He could hear Frank’s breathing getting heavier, he was panting, softly, and Gerard was so, so tempted to reach his hand down, see if Frank was hard, how hard.   
Then, like some kind of mind reader, Frank gasped, “Gee. Please, fuck. Please. Touch me.” 

Like the time Frank had got him off, Gerard’s hand ventured no further than on top of Frank’s underwear.  
He placed his hand, gently between Frank’s legs. And Gerard found him hard, hard enough that Frank let out a small cry just at being touched.   
He began to rub, gently and slowly, enjoying the feel of Frank beneath his hand, just about able to imagine him without the layer of fabric between them.  
Gerard lifted his head, his lips back on Frank’s as his hand sped up slightly, and as his other hand continued to play, gently with Frank’s nipples, alternating between both of them.   
Then, suddenly, Frank grabbed Gerard’s wrist.   
“Gee.” He gasped. “Stop. Please?”  
Gerard paused, and pushed himself up slightly. “What’s wrong?”   
Again, Frank looked embarrassed. “I- Um- I feel like I’m close.” He admitted.   
Gerard smiled at him, his hand brushing back into Frank’s hair. “Okay.” Gerard said.   
“B- But I’m not sure I… I haven’t-” Frank trailed off, closing his eyes again, frowning slightly.   
“What?” Gerard pushed, gently, not understanding what was upsetting Frank so much.   
“I’m not sure I… Gee. You’re gonna think I’m a freak…”   
Now Gerard was the one frowning, partly confused, partly very, very worried for Frank.   
“Frankie?” Gerard said, softly. “What’s going on?”   
“I… I haven’t… I haven’t, um… Come for… A while. Not, uh, not really anyway. I… I can’t explain it. I don’t… I can’t remember the last time I’ve… Come and it felt… Good. I… I mean… Right. You know?”   
Gerard shifted over slightly, and pulled Frank close, wrapping his arms around him, Frank’s head tucking neatly under Gerard’s chin.   
“You’re not a freak.” Gerard said, as he played, gently with Frank’s hair. 

After a while, Gerard asked, “So… What you were saying… You mean… You’ve never… It’s never felt good before?”   
Frank buried his face against Gerard’s chest.   
“Don’t worry if you don’t want to answer.” Gerard said, gently.   
Frank still didn’t reply, for a little while. Then he said, “Basically… Yeah. I mean… Some times with Saint Jimmy… See. It always depended with Saint Jimmy. Sometimes… Sometimes he could be really good. And caring, when he wanted to. He knew how to be gentle, how to make it good. But. Most of the time, he chose not to.”  
“Why?” To Gerard, this made no sense. If Jimmy had cared about Frank… How could he hurt him?   
“Jimmy said it was my own fault.” Frank paused then. “Said it was my fault… Because I wasn’t ‘his’ anymore, and he had to remind me… Had to remind me I was.”   
Frank closed his eyes, wished he hadn’t.  
He was back there again.   
_“Look at you… You used to be my sweet angel, all innocent. All mine. Now look at you. Whore.” Frank curled up tighter on the couch, trying to get away from Jimmy, whose hands were on him, trying to pull him up, trying to get him off the couch, to the bed, or on the floor, he didn’t care, Frank knew he didn’t care. “You- You’re the one who sends me to these people Jimmy.” Frank argued, still fighting, though weakly, he was finding it difficult to fight, he’d had a rough night already and he’d never been good at fighting Jimmy.  
Then Jimmy smacked him. “You’re blaming me for this? You’re blaming me for the filthy slut you’ve become? You’re the one who get’s down on your knees, opens your mouth good and wide. You’re the one who lays down, spreading your fucking legs just as fucking wide, wider. You’re the one who does it all. Whore.” Frank had lost, the words hurting as much as Jimmy’s hands did. On the floor, he’d been right, Jimmy didn’t care. His pants were down quick, and Frank felt the inexplicable urge to laugh. Jimmy never was one to take his time. “One good thing though, Frankie.” Jimmy said, his voice changed, softer, he had his fingers inside Frank now, working fast, hurriedly, Frank winced as he hit a particularly tender spot. “You’re my whore.”_  
Then he felt a hand on his cheek and he opened his eyes again.   
“I’m sorry.” Gerard said, softly, “I shouldn’t have asked.”  
Frank shook his head. “It’s okay… I guess… You were gonna have to know about it. I mean… The fact I-” He stopped, let out a short, humourless laugh. “The fact I’m even too fucking scared to let myself…”  
He closed his eyes again then.   
“Frank.” Gerard said, softly, taking his hand. “You don’t need to be scared. Not with me. I will keep you safe, I promise.”   
Frank nodded, looked up then, opening his eyes. “Why? Why couldn’t it have been you, Gee? Why couldn’t I have found you instead of finding Jimmy? Imagine, imagine what it would’ve been like, if you didn’t have to deal with all this shit. You’d have a normal boyfriend. One who could… I could let you touch me without flinching. You might have still had to go slow with me, but only because I wouldn’t have known what I was doing. And… And I could’ve experienced everything with you, first.”   
Eyes closed again, tears again.  
“I wish that. I wish that so badly Gerard. I wish you’d been first. I knew, I knew the first time Jimmy fucked me it was wrong, that he shouldn’t have been first. It wasn’t until… I know now it should’ve been you. Why can’t I change it? I want to change it! I don’t want it to be like this! I want it so I slept with you first. I want it so that I’m still a virgin, and you’re the one who’ll change that!”  
He paused, gathering breath.   
“Instead it’s the opposite. I’m so far from virgin… It’s almost funny.”  
For what seemed a very long time, Gerard said nothing.   
He let Frank calm down, get the few tears in him out.   
Then, gently as ever, Gerard said, “I can’t change the past, and neither can you. We are where we are. And… In a way… I’m grateful to Saint Jimmy.”   
Frank looked up then, startled, and a little scared by this statement.   
“Not for what he did to you.” Gerard said, “But because… Frank, how do we know we ever would’ve found each other? And, you said you didn’t even realise you were gay until you knew him. Even if we had met… You might not have known you were gay.”  
Frank shook his head. “I would’ve. For you, I would’ve.”   
Gerard shrugged. “Perhaps. But, in any case, what I’m saying is… what happened… Happened. And we can’t change it. But we can move on from it. Shit, Frank, you’ve moved on so much already! So we have a few more hurdles left, big deal, we’ll manage it.”  
He paused, kissed Frank on the lips. “You’ll manage it.”   
Then, “And. As for the other thing… About virginity… You said you never… It never felt good for you?”  
Frank shook his head.   
Gerard frowned, bit his lip. “Okay. Here’s something I was told once, back in college. Sex is… It’s more than just the act, it’s about… It’s about being with someone, someone you love, trust and care about. And… Until you know that, until you experience that feeling of love and care and trust… You’re still a virgin.”  
Frank continued to stare at him, saying nothing, a small frown on his face.   
“Does… That make any sense?” Gerard asked.  
Frank didn’t answer, instead he pulled his arms tighter around Gerard, bringing him closer, kissed him, then buried his face against Gerard’s neck.  
Gerard laughed, softly.  
“Okay, I’m taking that as a yes then.” 

###

It was only the night after that, a similar turn of events as the previous night.   
Kissing, softly, then less softly.   
Hands creeping under shirts.   
Gerard’s shirt pulled off.  
Then Frank’s.  
Attention given to the newly discovered pleasure point on Frank.  
Hands wandering, tentatively down further. 

While Gerard’s tongue softly worked over Frank’s nipple, his hand kept sliding down Frank’s stomach, pausing at the top of his boxers, then starting again.   
Then Frank grabbed Gerard’s hand, making Gerard raise his head in surprise.   
“Enough hesitations.” Frank said, before releasing Gerard’s hand again.   
Gerard thought he understood, and, whilst still looking up, watching Frank’s reactions, Gerard slid his hand down again, stopping only when his hand was between Frank’s legs.  
There was a pause, then Gerard moved his hand, slowly, up and down again.   
Frank gasped softly, and Gerard moved up a little, so he was hovering over Frank, wanting to watch him as they did this.   
Frank had closed his eyes, head tipped ever so slightly back.   
Then, still with his eyes closed, Frank asked, “Can you… Can we go further?”   
Gerard paused, unsure what Frank meant, what he wanted.   
“I… Mean…”   
He gently took Gerard’s hand again, while his other hand, very slightly pushed down his own underwear, guiding Gerard’s hand close, but not under the fabric.  
Gerard got the idea quickly, and he frowned. “Are you sure?” He asked, very seriously.   
Frank just nodded, not quite trusting his voice.  
Gerard kissed him once, then pulled away again, regaining the eye contact, if there was even the slightest doubt or discomfort from Frank, he wanted to know about it, so he could stop right away.   
His hand slipped down further, and the second Gerard’s fingers touched Frank he moaned slightly, and Gerard took that as a good sign. He reached in more, and let his hand curl around Frank’s erection, and Frank moaned louder. “Fuck, Gerard, I-”  
Then Gerard slowly moved his hand up, down again. Again, Frank moaned, didn’t even attempt to speak.   
Gerard sped up slightly. Frank was a little bigger than he’d expected, not by much, and it was hardly a problem. Gerard closed his eyes again when Frank suddenly kissed him, hard and urgent. He wanted to tell Gerard how good this felt, how good his hand felt, but he couldn’t find the words, he hoped his mouth and tongue and moans would fill in the gaps for him.   
It was far too soon, Frank didn’t want this perfect feeling to end. He found himself clinging closer to Gerard, possible some nails were digging into skin, he’d stopped kissing Gerard, couldn’t take the added sensation anymore. “Gerard- Gee- I-” He couldn’t get many more words out. Gerard kissed his neck, whispering, “I know, hold on, it’s-”  
“Oh my God” Frank almost cried out, he’d never felt like this before. Yes, he’d orgasmed before, but it’d always felt, wrong, dirty, forced, shameful.   
This felt good and beautiful and so, so right.   
Gerard continued stroking him through the aftershocks, not stopping until he was fully done.   
They both clung tightly to each other, kissing lightly, softly. When Gerard opened his eyes again, he saw a light sheen of sweat on Frank’s face, he could feel the same on himself. Finally Frank opened his eyes, and they were bright, beautiful.   
“I can’t ever- You don’t- I haven‘t-” He stuttered.   
“I know.” Gerard said, remembering, clearly, the conversation they’d had the previous night. “I know. It’s okay.”  
Frank nodded, and pulled Gerard close. 

Gerard felt so pleased, so proud, for Frank.  
That’d been the first time Frank had experienced an orgasm, a true one. One where he hadn’t felt violated or betrayed. The first time he’d truly wanted it and truly enjoyed it. First time he’d felt…   
Loved?  
Yes. He was loved, and Gerard got the idea that Frank knew it. 

###

Another few days later and Gerard was laid out on his front on the bed, a book propped up on the pillow, clearly deeply engrossed in it.   
Frank stood just inside the doorway, leaning slightly up against it, watching him.  
He couldn’t quite figure out what he found so fascinating, why he was still watching. But then, he realised, it was Gerard, he didn’t need another reason for watching.  
Eventually, Frank decided to break the silence, interrupt the almost still picture.   
“Well.” Frank said, making Gerard snap his head up, while equally surprising himself with the volume of his voice. “You look quite the picture perfect doll there.” He teased. And Gerard grinned, lifting his legs at the knees, waggling them back and forth in typical ‘cute’ style. “Better believe it.” He replied, fluttering his eyelashes slightly for added emphasis. Then his eyes took on a wicked glint and he laughed loudly, rolling onto his side now, looking up at Frank, who was trying not to laugh at his boyfriends bizarre display.   
Then Gerard stretched out his arms to Frank, his meaning clear, and Frank took no time to comply. Soon on the bed and enveloped in those arms.   
They didn’t kiss right away, bringing their faces close together so that their foreheads touched. It was eventually Gerard who gave in, moved down a little, and pressed his lips to Franks. Immediately caught again by Frank when he tried to move back.   
Legs tangled as they got caught up in each other. Hands running through hair and glancing over bodies, occasionally toying with the idea of going further but never quite getting there, not yet.   
Tongues danced over lips and dipped into mouths, sometimes catching each other, gently exploring.   
It was Frank who made the first major move.   
His hand wandered down, brushing over Gerard’s thigh, not just once, but a few times. Then, gaining a little more confidence, he reached out for Gerard’s belt, began to undo it.  
Then a hand grabbed his and stopped him.   
Frank opened his eyes suddenly, and saw Gerard looking straight back at him, he looked so serious. And most of all concerned. He was going to say something, something about not rushing.   
But Frank got there before him this time.  
“I’m ready.”   
Gerard frowned, partly in confusion, partly because he was ready to argue. Frank shook his head before either could be voiced. “Not… Not for sex.” He clarified. “But… I want. Gerard, can I… I want to see you… All of you.”   
And, suddenly, Gerard knew exactly what was being asked of him.   
He was surprised to discover he was actually nervous about it.   
Gerard dropped his gaze, self consciously, as he thought about what Frank had said, thus missing the anxiety that’d crept into Frank’s eyes.   
He was suddenly certain that Gerard was going to say no, he didn’t want to, he didn’t want Frank to see him. It scared Frank for a lot of reasons. It would mean Gerard didn’t trust him, maybe it would even prove that really, all along, Gerard hadn’t been serious about this, he’d been leading Frank on and now it came to it-  
Frank knew he was being crazy though. And he felt so pissed off that he’d let himself even consider that about Gerard.   
It didn’t stop him being scared of Gerard saying no.  
What if Gerard thought he was being too pushy?   
And, he knew if Gerard couldn’t do this… There was no way he’d ever be able to.   
Then Gerard looked up again, and Frank saw he was nervous, though that quickly disappeared as he saw the look on Frank’s face. Pure concern again. He reached his hand up, brushing it across Frank’s cheek, then bringing it back up again to push his hair back. “What’s wrong?”  
“I’m scared you’ll say no.” Frank wanted to look away, but he couldn’t, he found Gerard’s eyes held him too fast to do that.   
Gerard frowned slightly. “Why does that scare you? Don’t I get to make decisions?” A small smile formed on his lips as he said this, trying to play it down, make it into a joke, though he knew he couldn’t.  
“It’s not that. It’s… I guess I depend on you too much. I depend on you being strong, being the one to take the lead. I need… I need you to show me there’s nothing to be afraid of.”   
Gerard bit his lip slightly, briefly breaking eye contact. “I guess I knew that. But you know that’s a lot to ask. You know I get scared too.”   
“You… You do?”   
Gerard nodded. Then leant forward, kissed Frank gently. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let that hold me back.”   
Then Gerard sat up, taking Frank’s hands, leading him up too.   
They moved down to the end of the bed, Gerard stepping off of it, letting go of one of Frank’s hands to place it on his shoulder, a small but firm command that he should stay where he was. Frank settled himself into a comfortable sitting position, while Gerard bent down, kissing him again. A little more urgency to the kiss this time. Almost a pleading.   
“Don’t laugh at me, okay?” He asked. And it suddenly struck Frank that Gerard really was scared, really was nervous. He was actually scared of rejection, from Frank. Instead of answering, Frank reached up, pulled Gerard down to kiss him again. He couldn’t find the words to tell Gerard he would never reject him, that the thought of not being with him was the scariest thing Frank could imagine.   
He hoped at least some of that was translated in the kiss.   
It seemed to, as Gerard nodded, smiling slightly as he moved back, not far, only a couple of steps, enough to give himself room.  
Gerard closed his eyes briefly, before taking hold of the bottom of his shirt, pulling it off in one swift motion.   
This part wasn’t so scary, they’d been here before. They’d explored each others torsos with hands and mouths, they’d fallen asleep with arms wrapped tight and chests and stomachs pressed together.   
Even so, Gerard felt that nervousness grip him. They weren’t in the safe confines of the bed, there wasn’t the cover around them. They weren’t caught up in kissing and touching, where little details and imperfections could be overlooked.   
But he’d started this now, he needed to carry on.  
He wanted to.  
His hands reaching for his belt now, finding that Frank had actually managed to loosen it slightly already. Undoing his jeans, he felt his hands start to shake a little, but he ignored it as he slowly pushed them down. He shimmied slightly to get them to fall to his ankles, then stepped out of them.   
Again, this wasn’t so new. They’d seen each other in their underwear since basically day one, even a couple of times before they were officially together. But still Gerard felt a little awkward. Or perhaps he was just nervous because he knew the really important part was coming next.   
No one had seen him naked in a long time.   
The thought suddenly, shamefully struck him that Frank had seen a lot of men naked, that he’d have a lot to compare Gerard to. What if he was disappointed in what he found to be in front of him? Gerard didn’t consider himself to be, well, inadequate. But who knew what Frank might’ve seen, might be expecting.  
He had never been so angry with himself as he was after thinking that.   
He knew, full well, that the last thing on Frank’s mind was comparing Gerard, in any way, to his abusers. Hadn’t he said once he didn’t even think of them as ‘men’. He thought of them the same way they thought of him, as objects of flesh. He almost convinced himself they weren’t even real, real people couldn’t treat another person the way he’d been treated.   
Fuck. Gerard was just nervous.   
Gerard closed his eyes, hooking his thumbs over the top of his shorts, slowly, almost painfully slowly, pushing them down.  
He kept his eyes closed as he straightened up again, knowing that once he opened them, he’d have to look at Frank, see his reaction.  
Frank had watched this all in still silence, only vaguely aware of the inner struggles Gerard was dealing with. The way Gerard kept closing his eyes, the hesitations, but otherwise he’d seemed calm, confident even. And now, as Gerard stood in front of him, completely exposed, Frank found a whole new level of respect for him, gratitude to him.  
Love for him.   
When Gerard finally opened his eyes he saw Frank’s eyes roaming over him, not stopping in one place for long, taking everything in. Gerard had never felt more self conscious, but he made no move to cover himself.   
“Fuck.” Frank breathed, finally halting his wandering and fixing firmly with Gerard’s eyes. “You… You’re perfect Gee.”   
A relieved smile spread across Gerard’s lips, making him, if possible, more perfect in Frank’s eyes.   
Frank lowered his gaze, focusing on the one place he’d only allowed himself the smallest of glances before.   
There was the small trail of hair below Gerard’s navel, which Frank had noticed before, but now he followed the trail down to where it spread. But he wasn’t focusing on the hair, there was an average amount of it, not too much to be unappealing, but also not too sparse, which could also seem unpleasant.   
Frank was slightly surprised to see that Gerard wasn’t hard, but then, he realised he shouldn’t have been. This wasn’t really a sexual thing they were doing, though Frank wasn’t sure exactly what to call it. And a certain feeling he’d had between his legs as he’d watched Gerard undress, as he continued to look at Gerard now seemed to dispute the thought that this wasn’t sexual.   
Despite the lack of excess stimulation, Frank could see, already, that he was fairly big. Though not excessively so, Frank could imagine that the sex would still hurt, but not be unbearable. Somehow he got the feeling he’d be the perfect fit.   
Frank realised he’d been thinking about having sex with Gerard, thinking about having Gerard inside him. Imagining his dick, the one currently in front of him, though presently soft and smaller than it would be, inside him. Frank felt a small flush to his cheeks and a more obvious tingle between his legs. He snapped his gaze back up to Gerard’s eyes, hoping the lust wasn’t too obvious on his face, in his eyes. Gerard smiled, and he guessed maybe it was.   
“Like what you see?” Gerard asked, trying to sound confident, but a small catch in his voice betrayed him. Frank managed a smile back, nodded. “You should check out my ass, now that’s a real pretty sight.” Gerard said, more sure of himself now, twisting his body slightly to show said part of himself. Frank laughed slightly, pleased to see the more playful side of Gerard now coming through. “Beautiful, no doubt.” Frank agreed, nodding enthusiastically through his laughter. “Prettiest ass in the world, I’d say.”   
“Alright, enough of your smart comments.” Gerard chided, a little of the confidence slipping again.   
Frank had never seen him this… Fragile. It was like he was in danger of crashing down at any second.   
But the fact he was still standing there, naked, in front of Frank, for Frank no less, made him realise, all over again, the trust he had in Frank, the love. He was clearly fucking scared, still, but he wasn’t going to stop, wasn’t going to cover himself until Frank wanted him to.   
In a strange way, that was fucking inspiring.   
While still sitting, Frank tugged off his shirt, throwing it off the side of the bed. Gerard frowned, quickly figuring out what Frank was doing.   
Gerard grabbed Frank’s hand, which had gone down to his belt, having once again made swift work of undoing it. Frank looked up, startled as he realised he’d been stopped. Gerard’s eyes were wide, he was bending down again slightly, one hand on the edge of the bed beside Frank, the other still gripping his hand tightly. “What’re you doing?”   
“What do you think?” Frank asked, with a small, shy smile, he tried to wriggle his hand out from Gerard’s. Frowning slightly when he found Gerard refusing to let him go. “Frank I-” Again, Gerard seemed nervous. “Frank. Don’t do this just because you think you have to. Don’t do it because I have and you feel like… Like you owe me.” Frank shook his head.   
“That’s not it, Gee. That’s not it at all. I want to.” He wanted to go into it, to explain why, to explain what Gerard had done for him, but again, he couldn’t find the words. And Gerard let him go anyway, still looking unsure, but trusting Frank to know what he was doing.   
Belt undone and Frank laid back on the bed, finding that to be the best way to go further. As soon as he’d wiggled out of his jeans, he found Gerard joining him on the bed, moving over him, hands either side of his shoulders, knees by his hips. Frank stared straight up at him, surprised to see a little lust in Gerard’s eyes now, “Gerard.” Frank said, very very quietly. “Let me finish.” Gerard didn’t reply, he lowered himself slightly, kissed Frank, who, without any request, opened his mouth, which Gerard quickly filled with his tongue.   
Frank gently pushed him away, saying again, “Please, Gee, I need to finish this.” Gerard nodded, he understood, and he pushed himself up, off Frank, off the bed, back to standing again, and this time, Frank followed him, also standing.   
Like Gerard had, Frank closed his eyes as he pushed down his final article of clothing.   
A brief flashback to a dirty dark little apartment. The feel of cold and fear and confusion and humiliation creeping over him. An urge to curl up, to cover himself suddenly striking him. An almost dizzy feeling, was he going to fall?   
Suddenly he felt arms catching him, pulling him back up, holding him close.   
Soft, warm skin against his own, and Frank opened his eyes again. He looked up, seeing Gerard looking right at him, concerned. “What’ve I told you about staying here?” Gerard said, gently, knowing exactly what’d just happened. Frank nodded. “I’m here.” He promised, holding tighter.   
Then he allowed himself to let go, to step back.  
To let Gerard see him, finally.   
Gerard didn’t spend as long studying him, but then his eyes didn’t wander as erratically. They moved steadily down Frank’s body, then up again. The same noticeable pause both times, Gerard’s eyes had widened slightly the first time.   
Frank was slightly embarrassed, knowing Gerard was as surprised to see him hard as Frank had been to see Gerard hadn’t been. He felt the need to say something, but didn’t know what to say. He forgot the embarrassment when Gerard finally returned his gaze to his eyes again. “I think maybe you’re the perfect one.” He said, in argument to Frank’s earlier comment. Frank fidgeted slightly, a hand instinctively going to one of his many scars, the ones on his side. Gerard grabbed that hand, pulling it away. He said nothing, but lowered himself to his knees, kissed the scars before slowly getting to his feet, kissing Frank on the lips again. “Don’t you dare.” Gerard told him. “You are past that, you are so much better.” Frank nodded, he couldn’t deny it. He wasn’t the wreck that Gerard had first brought to this apartment. He wasn’t even the shy, scared, broken person who flinched every time Gerard touched his skin.   
He was standing here, naked, exposed, with Gerard exactly the same, and he felt…   
Completely comfortable, content, maybe even a little confident.  
And, just slightly turned on.  
With that last thought in mind, Frank found himself getting to his knees, not to kiss any scars, but to kiss Gerard’s hips, then to follow the trail of hair down, to place a small kiss on Gerard’s now half hard dick.  
Fuck. When had that happened?  
Frank found he couldn’t help himself then, kissing him again, feeling a small swell beneath his lips and hearing a small gasped moan above him.   
Frank brought his tongue out the next time, a small swirling motion over the tip, a slight nudging and Gerard cried out with pleasure. He felt Gerard’s hand on his head, fingers tangling in his hair, and he took that as a sign. He repeated the licking motion, producing yet another beautiful sound from Gerard.   
Frank opened his mouth then and slowly started to take Gerard in.   
The hand in his hair tightened, almost painfully, but Frank ignored it, carried on. Until he heard, very laboured, breathless. “Frank. Stop. Don’t.”   
He stopped, sat back on his heels, looking up at Gerard, wondering what it was he’d done wrong.   
Gerard shook his head, taking Franks hands and leading him again, this time so he was standing. He pulled Frank close, kissed his cheek.   
“This wasn’t supposed to be about sex.” Gerard said, as way of explanation. Frank couldn’t help it, he laughed. He rocked his hips forward slightly, feeling Gerard hard against him. “I think it’s a little late for that thought, Gee.”   
Gerard laughed lightly too, mimicking Franks action and arguing, “Well. You started it.” Then, kissing Franks neck, he continued, “I guess I’m not sorry you did though.”   
Then, pulling away slightly, Gerard once again led Frank, this time to the bed. He pushed back the covers and got in, Frank following quickly.   
At first they just held each other close, kissing lightly occasionally, then their hands, previously pressed firmly to each others backs, started trailing up and down. Mouths opened slightly, not for long enough to allow the addition of tongues just yet.   
Hips began to rock together, causing beautiful friction that made them both gasp.   
Hands explored more widely, over chests, fingers glancing over nipples. Then up and down thighs. Gerard’s hand went to the inside of Franks thigh, smoothing over where they were both very aware he was scarred, Gerard traced it with his thumb, whispering, hotly. “You’re perfect.” The kiss was deeper that time, then Gerard disappeared under the covers, pushing Frank onto his back as he did. Frank gasped as he felt Gerard’s lips replace his hand. He was kissing, passionately, the scar Frank was most ashamed of, the one that’d hurt the most, that’d scared him the most, the one he thought that truly told the story of what he’d been, what he’d done.   
But this was like before, when Gerard had kissed all his other scars, but left this one when Frank hadn’t let him near. He was erasing the bad, replacing it with good. Frank felt like crying as he felt Gerard’s lips on the marred skin again.   
Then he stopped, moved his attention.   
Frank could feel Gerard’s breath on him, he knew what Gerard was thinking of doing.   
He cried out almost as loud as Gerard had when he finally felt Gerard take him into his mouth.   
So this was what it was like to be sucked off by someone you cared about, someone you trusted?   
No wonder Gerard hadn’t been able to keep his voice down when he’d done it.   
Frank let himself moan again, louder this time as he reached down, like Gerard had done to him, hand in his hair, he felt himself pushing Gerard slightly, he couldn’t help it.   
Gerard stopped, abruptly, moved back up, kissing Frank fiercely, passionately. “Don’t want you coming so soon.” Gerard explained, bucking his hips slightly again. “Gerard, with you I could come then be ready to go again in minutes.” Gerard laughed, kissing him again. “I’m not risking it.” He said, hands wandering again.  
Frank forgave him quickly, too distracted by everything else. His hand travelled down, taking Gerard in hand now, stroking him slowly.   
At some point Gerard got on top of Frank, at first straddling him, then moving between his legs.   
Frank didn’t quite figure out where this was going until he felt Gerard’s hand sliding beneath him, lifting him slightly, moving over his ass, a couple of times. Then a finger very lightly trailing along his opening.   
Frank froze, and Gerard stopped too. He’d been aware this might be the deal breaker, that he’d taken things too far, but he’d tried.   
Frank opened his eyes, and found Gerard already looking down at him. “That’s a no, isn’t it?” Gerard asked.   
“Gerard. I- I thought you-”   
Gerard started to move his hand completely away then, apologies falling from his lips as he did.   
Suddenly Frank reached out, touching Gerard’s face, making him look at Frank again. “Wait.” Frank said, clearly thinking very carefully about this now. “Can… Can we… Try?” Frank asked. Gerard searched his eyes, carefully. “Only if you want to, not if it’s because I-”  
“Gerard. How are we ever going to get there if we don’t try?”   
Gerard smiled, then kissed him. “Okay.” He said, reaching over for the drawer in the bedside table. Frank heard the slight scrape of wood as it was opened. He knew what Gerard was getting, he didn’t need to look, but he did anyway. Saw the lube being placed on the bed, then Gerard pulled out the box of condoms, taking one out, holding it up. “Do you want me to…?” He let the question trail off. Frank stared at the square of foil, thinking about how he’d always been pleased to see one of those with all of his old encounters, he’d been grateful if someone bothered to sheaf themselves before fucking him.   
But now he found himself smiling as he shook his head. “Don’t need it. Unless you’ve got some secrets?”  
“Just one.” Gerard admitted, making Frank’s heart sink, briefly. Then Gerard grinned, wickedly. “You know when we went down to the clinic?” Frank nodded, how could he forget? “Well… I got myself checked too.” He leant forward, kissed Frank before telling him. “We’re both clean.” Frank wrapped his arms around him, pulled him down for another kiss. “Gerard. I… Thank you.”   
Gerard just smiled, then, throwing the box back in the drawer, he picked up the lube. Frank watched as he got the stuff into the palm of his hand, then carefully made sure his fingers were well covered.   
Frank relaxed as best he could, for once the past times actually serving a purpose as he remembered how best to get to the perfect relaxed state. But still, he found he was nervous, not scared. Nervous. He felt like there were butterflies in his stomach, huge ones.   
He felt Gerard’s finger close to him again, this time cool and slick with lube. “Okay?” Gerard asked. Frank just nodded.   
Gerard pushed in slowly, watching Frank’s face carefully, seeing a small wince, but not enough to make Gerard really worried yet. He paused, as far inside as he could go. “Feel okay?”   
Again, Frank nodded.  
Gerard pulled back out again, just as slowly, pushing back in slightly faster. Again he paused. “And that?” Frank nodded, gasped out a “Yeah.”   
Pulled out, back in again, out once more, then Gerard introduced a second finger, going in slowly again. Frank winced again, his mouth opening as the fingers moved in deeper. Gerard, again, stopped. “Does that hurt?”   
“Don’t-” Frank concentrated on making a coherent sentence. “Don’t pretend like you don’t know, Gee. It hurts, it always does.”   
“But- I mean…”  
“It’s not too bad.” Frank said, answering the question he’d known Gerard had been trying to ask.   
Fuck. He had forgotten what this felt like though. His body invaded by another person, yes, it did hurt, especially as it’d been a while but… Somehow, this time, it didn’t seem to matter, the pain was still there, but he could deal with it. He’d be able to deal with it without having to zone out, without having to distance himself. He would be right there, with Gerard and that thought made everything… Perfect.   
He felt Gerard’s fingers inside him, working him slowly and carefully, not pushing too much, but knowing he had to do this well.   
Finally he pulled them out completely, got the lube again, more on his palm this time, covering himself, then, carefully moved into position. A hand reached out, grabbed one of Frank’s, who held on, tightly.   
This was it, this was finally going to happen, they were finally going to go through with this. They were going to be together in the most complete way. This was going to be the final thing that healed all past wounds. He was finally going to be able to move past all the things that’d been done to him, fully get away from his past, move on. Sex, and everything surrounding it was going to be about him and Gerard now.  
 _“You’re mine, Frankie, don’t you forget it.”_  
Frank snapped open his eyes, squeezed Gerard’s hand tighter, vaguely aware he was digging his nails in but not really able to pay attention. His mind filled with panic and fear and confusion.   
Gerard, sensing something was very, very wrong, stopped immediately, moving quickly but carefully off of Frank, moving to his side.   
Frank let go of his hand and turned in his side, his back to Gerard as he curled up.   
It was a familiar position, but one Gerard had hoped they’d gotten away from. “Oh Frank…” He sighed.   
“I’m sorry.” Frank said, quietly.   
Gerard wanted to reach out to him, comfort him, but he’d learnt already that was never a good idea, not when he was like this. “What happened?”   
“He- It was… Jimmy. He-”   
Gerard saw his shoulders shake, just once, but he also heard the choke at the end of the sentence, of sorts.   
And he decided that he was going to ignore the fact that he might make Frank panic, Frank needed comforting right now, and he was going to give him that.   
Gerard reached out, made Frank turn over, so he was laying on his other side, facing Gerard now. Frank had tried to fight him at first but gave in quickly, and he held tight to Gerard once he was facing him.   
Gerard held him, one hand gently rubbing his back, soothingly.   
“You’re okay, I promise. It’s me, just stay with me. They’re never going to hurt you again.”   
Frank started to cry. Feeling hopeless, scared and frustrated all at once. He’d fucked up good this time.  
“I’m sorry, Gerard, I’m sorry. I-”  
“Shh, not your fault.” Gerard assured him, a light, innocent kiss to his forehead. “We’ve got all the time in the world.”   
It took a little while for the bad feelings to lift, for Frank to feel alright again, but eventually it did.   
They didn’t get into the heavier stuff again, and the idea of sex wasn’t even brought up again. But they did kiss, touch again. Remembering that this was still the first time they’d been fully naked together, and just simply enjoying, appreciating that. 

###

Saint Jimmy slammed the door to his apartment behind him as he walked in.  
Johnny didn’t look up.   
In fact, he’d made a point not to look straight at Saint Jimmy ever since they’d been told Frank had been seen again.   
He was hoping Jimmy would get the message that Johnny was mad at him.   
Of course, all that took Jimmy’s attention was Frank. Finding Frank. Getting Frank back.   
Fuck, Johnny had thought it’d been bad before, now Jimmy was almost frantic. And his moods swung between excitable and irritable.   
Johnny spent even more time than usual feeling exhausted by his-  
What the fuck was Jimmy to him anyway?  
Definitely not a friend, not just a dealer. Boyfriend? Ha! Yeah right.   
Lover was closest, Johnny guessed.   
But Jimmy wasn’t a ‘lover’. He was, in all meanings of the word, a ‘fucker’.   
Johnny didn’t think they’d ever ‘made love’. They’d always fucked.   
_What about Frank?_  
No. Jimmy didn’t even fuck Frank.  
He claimed him. Owned him. 

And shit, now Johnny was thinking about it again. Thinking about Frank again, and how fucking jealous he’d been when he first realised Frank was becoming more important to Jimmy.   
Edging him out. Though, of course, Jimmy kept Johnny on a short leash. Any time Johnny showed signs of straying too far, Jimmy just snapped his fingers and Johnny had been back.   
And so it would start again.   
Getting kicked out of bed so he wouldn’t get in the way of what Jimmy wanted to do to Frank.   
Every night. Every goddamn night. It was like Jimmy couldn’t stand to miss a night of being with Frank.   
Had to claim him every night.   
Which meant, what, exactly for Johnny?   
Yeah, you know what it meant. 

Some nights Johnny would leave, no matter how late it was, how tired he was, how high he still was.   
He’d go out into the cold and wander around for a while, come back in when he’d hope they were both asleep.  
Or, really, he hoped Frank was asleep, and Jimmy was awake, waiting for Johnny to continue satisfying his needs.  
That happened, very occasionally. Those times were his favourite. He’d almost be able to fool himself into thinking that Frank was never even there. 

Sometimes though, Johnny stayed.   
He’d watch, though for what reason, he could never figure out.  
To torture himself?   
To remind Jimmy that he was still there?   
To make Frank feel worse, knowing someone was watching?   
Probably combinations of all of the above. 

He remembered, one time in particular, staring straight at Frank.   
Johnny had been so jealous.   
He’d watched Frank’s face, eyes closed tight, mouth open, occasionally biting into the mattress.   
The pain was obvious, and it made Johnny feel better.   
Frank had opened his eyes at one point, had seen Johnny watching.   
His eyes looked wide.  
Johnny had just grinned at him. 

And, after, when Jimmy had left for the bathroom, leaving Frank still laying on his front, Johnny had gone over to him. Crouched down low beside him.  
“You must love all the attention.” Johnny had whispered, mouth close to Frank’s ear.   
“Leave me alone.” Frank had mumbled, his voice muffled by the bed sheet.   
“How long do you think before Jimmy decides you don’t feel good anymore?” Johnny continued.  
“Johnny…”  
“I mean, you must be starting to wear out a little, huh?”   
Johnny looked Frank up and down. Jimmy had left him completely exposed, and, as usual Frank had made no move to cover himself.  
Something else Johnny hated him for.   
“Or… Maybe he’ll just keep screwing you every night for ever and ever. You are his favourite toy after all.”   
“Johnny, Please. Just leave me alone.”   
“Hey. I got an idea, if you’re so good, maybe I should have a try, only fair, since you’re taking Jimmy away from me all the time. Maybe I should take you away from Jimmy one night. What’d you say? Think Jimmy’ll give you to me for free? Or, how much does Jimmy’s favourite cost these days?”   
Then Frank startled him, suddenly getting up, onto his knees, though wincing slightly as he did.   
Jimmy had obviously hurt him tonight.   
Frank looked anything but helpless then. He looked angry, his eyes glittered with it.   
Then, something else crept into his eyes, and a sly, wicked grin slipped onto Frank’s face. He sat up a little straighter, rolled his shoulders back, and let his hands rest on his hips.   
Johnny tried to keep his eyes on Frank’s face, but it was difficult to.   
All these little movements happened at once, and they transformed Frank into something, someone very different.   
This was the Frank his clients saw (or, some of them anyway, Frank had various versions of himself he presented).  
“Trust me Johnny.” Frank said, his voice sounding different too. “You couldn’t afford me.”   
He seemed… Confident. Cocky.   
Sexy.  
And, for a moment, Johnny got it. He got what Frank’s appeal was, and, more than that.   
He badly wanted to fuck him.   
Frank glanced down at Johnny’s crotch, saw he was hard, and let out a soft snort of amusement.   
“Try it.” Frank said, still with that confidence. “See how Jimmy reacts.”   
The Frank laid back down, pulling the covers over himself, clearly not as confident as he’d made out. Scared that Johnny would actually try something.   
Maybe he would have, if Jimmy hadn’t walked back in and snapped at him, “Johnny, leave Frank alone! He doesn’t need you pawing at him.” 

Then, Frank had gone missing…  
And, really, still, Johnny hadn’t got Jimmy back. Jimmy was still fixated on Frank, on getting him back.  
And, once he got Frank back, it’d be just like it was, Johnny would be pushed aside completely once more. 

Briefly his mind flicked back even further. To one of his earliest conversations with Frank.   
When he’d told Frank to back off, stay away from Jimmy.   
What had Frank told him?  
That he wasn’t interested in Jimmy like that.   
That he wasn’t even gay.   
Ha.   
Yeah. Sure. 

It took Johnny a while to realise Jimmy had been talking.   
Ranting.  
It was okay though, Jimmy hadn’t noticed either way.  
It was the same thing again, of course. 

“How the _fuck_ has no one else seen him? What? He goes out once and then fucking disappears again? After all these months?”  
“Maybe they’ve actually left this time Jimmy.” Johnny offered.   
Regretting it immediately.   
Jimmy reeled around, eyes narrowed and glaring.   
“And why the fuck would they do that?”  
Johnny shrugged, trying to appear calm.   
“I dunno… Maybe… Maybe they made that one stop to check Frank’s health and… And now they’ve gone. It makes sense, kinda.”  
“No.” Jimmy argued. “It doesn’t.”   
Johnny rolled his eyes. “okay, so we consider the other option. They went to the clinic. They got the results. Frank is sick. He wouldn’t want to leave wherever the fuck he is for long if that’s the case, would he? He’s not gonna want to go outside if he’s fucking sick!”   
Johnny didn’t know when it’d happened, but he found his voice raising at Jimmy.   
He knew that was dangerous, but he couldn’t help it.   
He was fucking tired of the same conversation over and over.   
“Take that fucking back!” Jimmy snapped. “Don’t you fucking dare wish sickness on Frank!”  
Johnny was on his feet then, his voice raising further. “I’m not wishing anything on him! I’m just trying to make you see it as a fucking option Jimmy! Maybe he is sick. Maybe they knew that and that’s why they were there. Maybe one of your fucking clients got him sick, you never considered that, did you Jimmy? You never considered what they could be doing to him! Who knows what diseases those dicks that got inside him were carrying.” Johnny paused to laugh, humourlessly. “You act like you care so much about him. Like you care about all your boys, but especially him! But you don’t, never stop to think what they might come back with!”  
Johnny knew he’d crossed a line, he saw the cold look in Jimmy’s eyes.   
“The others know how to look after themselves.” Jimmy said, quietly. The false calm in his voice more terrifying than any shouting.   
“And as for Frank. I looked after him. I made it very clear, to all of his… Clients, that he be treated with care. They understood he is precious, special, not to be wasted. _I_ was the only one to fuck him bare and I trust you are not stupid enough to suggest I am unhealthy?”   
Again, Johnny laughed.   
“No. But you are stupid to think they all listened to your ‘orders’. You really think all those bastards you sent him to bothered to stop and put a condom on before fucking him? His reputation preceded him, Jimmy, none of those men could fucking wait to get inside him!” 

Johnny felt sure now was the time that Jimmy would snap completely, lash out. Hit him.   
Worse.   
_Am I gonna be your substitute for Frank again tonight, Jimmy?_

Instead, Jimmy sighed, all fight and fire leaving him.   
He came closer, walked past Johnny, and threw himself down on the couch.   
They didn’t say another word to each other all night. 

And, later… The sex wasn’t quite as rough as it had been.  
Definitely still not ‘making love’.  
But not ‘fucking’ either.   
Maybe sex.   
Just sex for once.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Possibly one of the most important chapters so far.   
> Frank's come a long way, but can he overcome some of his biggest demons?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, up until this point, I've been uploading the chapters I've already had written (believe it or not, this series has been running for just over a year!) so I'm afraid updates from now on will be in real time, so, simply put, not as quick. I can promise a new chapter within the next few days though, just as soon as my friend has finished reading over it for me. 
> 
> Until then, thanks to all who have enjoyed this series so far, I hope the slightly slower pace of updates won't put you off.   
> (At least I'm leaving you guys on a positive chapter though ^_^ )

Friday night, and Frank was, more than ever, eager for Gerard to get home.  
He couldn’t tell, not just yet, exactly why, but he could sense something had changed, shifted within himself.   
He couldn’t describe it, only that it felt… Good. 

No sooner had Gerard come in the door than Frank bolted over, throwing his arms around him, and kissing him.   
He nearly sent Gerard off balance with his eagerness.  
Gerard laughed, appreciatively. “What brought this on?”   
“Just pleased to see you.” Frank said, smiling, innocently. 

There was a slowness, a carefulness to their movements that night.  
Their kisses deep, drawn out.  
And though their hands moved across each other confidently, care was taken in each touch.   
Frank moved onto his back, waiting for Gerard to move with him.  
“This okay?” Gerard asked, as he gently laid over him, on top of him, his hands carefully on either side as he bent down, whispering in Frank’s ear, kissing it softly after.  
Frank nodded. “Yes.”   
They kissed again, suddenly harder now, a little more urgent.  
Gerard started, subconsciously, moving his hips, grinding slightly against Frank.  
He only realised what he was doing when Frank began to move with him.   
Gerard gasped, partly because it felt so good. And partly because he was surprised by what was happening.   
Frank moaned, softly. “You feel good, Gee.” He said.  
Then, before Gerard could think of a word to say, Frank wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him back down into the kiss.   
Frank’s hands slid under Gerard’s top, moving fast as he moved them up, pushing the shirt up along with him.  
He hesitated as his hands worked back down, however. Steadily, slowly, until they reached the waistband of Gerard’s underwear.   
He fiddled, pausing over his decision.   
Gerard guessed what he was trying to make himself do. And Gerard’s hand covered one of Frank’s, guiding it down a little, tugging on the waistband.   
“Off?” Gerard asked.   
Frank nodded, wordlessly.  
Gerard paused. He could feel Frank’s hand shaking, clasped beneath his own. “Are you sure?”   
Again, Frank nodded. “I want to.”   
“Okay.”   
Almost as a distraction, Gerard bent to kiss Frank again, as both their hands pushed down Gerard’s underwear.  
Frank’s hand stayed on Gerard’s skin, on his hip, carefully moving his fingers over the newly exposed skin, just slightly slipping round, but never far.   
Gerard pushed himself up, and looked down at Frank, questions and questions written over his features.  
Most of them were ‘Can I?’  
Frank nodded, and lowered his gaze slightly as he took Gerard’s hand again, placed it on the waistband of his own underwear this time.  
Gerard sat up more, pushing himself and the covers back.  
Frank immediately wanted to reach out, pull him back down, regain the safety of not being so exposed.   
He stopped himself though, calming himself with the thoughts that with Gerard, he was safe, no matter what.  
He watched as Gerard pulled his shirt off, stared up at him, looking over him, carefully.   
Lovingly.   
Then Gerard was looking down, his eyes fixed on Frank’s while he slowly undressed him.  
For a second Frank felt exposed, vulnerable, he closed his eyes, not liking it. Then he felt Gerard come back down, laying gently over him, pressing against him.   
Frank tipped his head back and gasped as he felt their cocks press against each other.   
“Gee.” He gasped. “I… I want… I’m sure this time.”   
Kisses on his neck, as Gerard slowly began rocking his hips again, and Frank picked up the rhythm with him.   
Gerard didn’t answer, instead his hand stroked, carefully, over Frank’s side, his hand working in time to their movements.   
Frank didn’t bother trying to get an answer, instead making himself more confident with his actions.   
He slipped his hand between them, reaching to touch Gerard, touching himself accidentally in the process.  
Gerard moved his hips up slightly, to give Frank more room to move.  
Frank wrapped his fingers carefully around, pleased to hear the slight hitch in Gerard’s breathing as he did.   
Then he felt Gerard’s hand on his cock, and he gasped, quietly.   
Frank’s other hand pushed Gerard’s shoulder, gently, encouragingly. “Get on your back, Gee. Please?”  
Without question, Gerard moved over.   
And now Frank faltered.  
Even as he laid, just as carefully as Gerard ever did, Frank found himself hesitant to do the thing he was certain he could.   
_If you can’t do this, how do you expect to have sex with him?_  
Frank didn’t know. The idea of it had been fine, but now he was giving himself time to think about it.  
Gerard, of course, noticed the hesitation, even though he didn’t know what it was about.   
He sat up slightly, bringing Frank up with him. A hand on Frank’s cheek guided his face until he was looking at Gerard, at the concern in his eyes.  
“What’s wrong?” Gerard asked, softly.  
Frank closed his eyes.  
But that only made it worse.   
Brief, tiny flashbacks, all hurtling along at lightning speed. He couldn’t keep track, and he didn’t want to.   
He opened his eyes again, wide, and looked straight at Gerard.   
The sadness was as obvious in Gerard’s eyes as the fear was in Frank’s.   
Gerard wrapped his arms around Frank, and brought him close. “Let them go, Frank. Let them all go.” Gerard told him, his voice soft, coaxing. “They’re not important, never were. We’re the only ones here. There’s only ever gonna be us.”   
Frank nodded.  
He couldn’t bring himself to detach from Gerard, not just yet, and it seemed Gerard wasn’t about to loosen his hold either.   
“I… I want to… There’s something I want to do, Gee. But… I’m scared. Not of… Not of doing it, but…”  
He pulled back a little now, and waited to regain eye contact with Gerard.  
“If I do this, promise… Promise to keep your hand on shoulder, so I know you’re there? So I know it’s you?”   
He dropped his gaze then, and laughed, bitterly. “I shouldn’t have to ask that of you. I shouldn’t have to worry about this. You shouldn’t have to do it.”  
Gerard crocked his finger under Frank’s chin, and tipped his head up, so they were looking at each other once again. “Whatever you need, I’ll do it. I promise.”   
Then, with a simple kiss, he added, “I’m here.”

They shifted back down, and, when Gerard was on his back, Frank continued down.   
He paused, just at Gerard’s crotch, closed his eyes before looking down and opening them again, taking the sight in, again.   
Then, slowly, he lowered himself, trying to give himself as little time to think as possible.   
Gerard cried out in pleasure as Frank, very suddenly, took his cock into his mouth, almost taking him in completely. The hand on Frank’s shoulder squeezed tightly.   
“Oh. Shit. Shit. I didn’t know you could do that.” Gerard gasped.   
Frank fought the urge to stop and look up, grin proudly. Instead he focused on what he was doing. For once not distancing himself from it, this time paying close attention, wanting to remember everything he did right.   
As he pulled slowly off, Frank trailed his tongue up, before slowly swirling his tongue over the tip.   
Then he went back down again, this time taking Gerard’s cock in completely.   
Frank used all of his knowledge, while successfully forgetting where he’d got the knowledge from, the hand on his shoulder, coupled with Gerard’s constant gasped words did the job Frank had hoped they would, kept him grounded, in the now, with Gerard.   
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been turned on while sucking someone off.  
But he was, his own cock begging for attention, which he finally gave it, reaching down, touching himself as he once again flicked his tongue over Gerard’s cock.  
Gerard noticed what he was doing though, and gently guided him off, and up.   
Frank laid beside him, and Gerard turned onto his side.   
He kissed Frank, deeply.   
Then reached down, his own hand taking up the task he’d just stopped Frank from doing.   
“My job.” He said, in a mock serious tone.   
Frank didn’t argue, going to kiss Gerard again, pleased to find Gerard’s lips parted, waiting for his tongue.  
Frank surprised himself, again, by finding it insanely hot that Gerard wanted to kiss, like this even after Frank had just been sucking his cock.  
It was even more hot when Gerard sucked, gently on his tongue.   
Had his head not been spinning, happily at that point, Frank might have teased him about liking the taste of himself.   
Gerard wrapped his other arm around Frank’s waist, careful not to pull him too close, but wanting the connection between them.   
He ran his hand slowly up Frank’s back, stopping just as he reached his neck, pushing his fingers up into Frank’s hair.  
Then his hand ran down again, stopping just above Frank’s ass.  
He paused, breaking their kiss, letting Frank’s soft panting escape into the air between them.   
Then with his eyes still closed, Gerard very slowly brushed his hand over Frank’s ass, careful to keep moving, but slow enough to take in the feel of it beneath his hand.  
Frank opened his eyes, hoping to find Gerard’s also open, wanting to gauge his reaction to what was going on.   
Only as he moved his hand back up, still with that slow, light touch, did Gerard finally open his eyes, and see Frank looking at him.   
“Not alright?” Gerard asked, though it almost didn’t sound like a question.   
Frank didn’t answer right away, trying to organise what he was thinking.  
“It’s fine.” He eventually said.  
“Sure?”  
“Yes.”  
They didn’t go back to kissing, though their eyes closed again, and Frank reached his hand to touch Gerard again.  
Frank couldn’t quite work out what was so interesting about his ass, but Gerard kept his hand there, moving slowly, occasionally resting on Frank’s hip, apparently when he got worried Frank didn’t like it, but Frank never stopped him, or flinched away, so Gerard assumed it was alright.   
Of course, after only a little while, Frank realised exactly what was so interesting.  
Even though Gerard had made no move to suggest it, Frank was quite sure he was thinking about sex.  
And, the thing was, now that had occurred to him, Frank was too.  
And, he realised, he’d been thinking about it even before Gerard had touched his ass.  
Now he was _really_ thinking about it.   
Frank opened his eyes, looking at Gerard, his eyes once again still closed. A small frown on his face, but not an unhappy one, the kind of frown only ever seen in situations like this.   
Frank kissed him, suddenly, deeply. A small moan escaped Gerard’s lips, and past Frank’s.  
“Fuck.” Gerard gasped, hushed, his lips still close to Frank’s. “I want you.”  
And, in that second, the world seemed to tip on it’s head.  
For the very first time it was Gerard, not Frank, who pushed away, suddenly and without warning. He sat up, moving a little away from Frank, not wanting to go far, but suddenly not trusting himself to be so close.   
Frank opened his eyes again, and half sat up, just like he half understood what was happening.   
“Gee?” He said, softly.   
“I’m doing it again, aren’t I?” Gerard said, quietly, looking down, not at Frank, but down at the covers that laid over himself. “Pushing you. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t, and I don’t mean to. But… Fuck. I-”  
He dared a look at Frank now, who was smiling, a look of amusement on his face.   
He shook his head. “You’ve never pushed, and I don’t feel pushed now.” Frank said.   
Gerard frowned, a normal frown this time.   
Frank sat up fully then, and kissed Gerard, once, carefully. No real lust behind it, just love and affection. “You worry so much.” He said, repeating familiar words.   
Gerard nodded, then smiled, clearly pleased to know there was no damage done.   
Then Frank looked at him, waiting to get Gerard’s full eye contact, which didn’t take long.   
He kept looking at Gerard as he laid down again, on his back.   
Frank’s eyes closed briefly as he pushed the covers back, off of himself.   
He knew what he was doing, offering himself, allowing himself to be in this vulnerable position, exposed, completely. It was something he’d had to do so many times while in Jimmy’s service, show complete submission, and wait to be claimed.  
It didn’t feel like it had then though, he did feel… Exposed, but not vulnerable.   
He didn’t feel intimidated, like he had at first. Or weary, like he had later.  
He felt… Almost comfortable. And a little excited.  
Gerard hadn’t moved, his eyes had stayed locked with Frank’s for what seemed like forever, now his eyes were running, carefully over his boyfriend’s body, apparently still trying to figure out what was going on.  
Deciding Gerard needed a bit more a of hint, Frank, tentatively, spread his legs apart, only slightly, but enough to be suggestive.   
Still, Gerard made no move.  
Frank closed his eyes, slightly amused, but also slightly frustrated. “Christ, Gerard!” He said, both the frustration and the amusement coming through in his voice. “Do I have to get onto my front and show you my ass before you get it!”   
He looked up to see Gerard’s eyes go wide with shock, and he laughed.   
Without warning, Gerard swooped down over him, making Frank yelp, happily as he felt Gerard once more laying on top of him.  
Gerard was smiling, his eyes still wide, but not in shock anymore. “You sure?” He asked, careful not to sound too eager.   
Frank nodded. “Yes. I’m sure. I’m sure this time, I promise. I’m ready, I can handle it, and I want to.” He paused, then, quietly, repeating Gerard’s words back to him, “I want you.”

The covers were pulled back over the two of them, and they started kissing, softly.  
It didn’t distract from the obvious scrapping sound as the drawer was opened again, though Frank tried to ignore it, ignore what it meant, and focus only on Gerard.  
The good bit would be here soon, anyway.   
Gerard sat up slightly, as did Frank, pushing himself up against the headboard.  
He moved his legs further apart, letting Gerard get between them.  
“Frank?”  
“Hmm?”  
“Would you turn over, just for this bit?” Gerard asked, carefully.  
Frank shook his head.  
“Frank.”  
“No.” Frank replied, with certainty.   
He felt Gerard’s hand on his face, stroking over his cheek, gently.  
“You know it’s easier like that, please, I want this to be as easy as it can be for you.” Gerard begged, softly.  
It took a little while for Frank to reply. “It’s not easier.”  
“It is, it-”  
“I’m not talking about it hurting, Gee.” Frank said, his soft voice somehow cutting right over Gerard’s.   
It made Gerard pause. His eyes searched Frank’s, taking those words in.   
Then he understood.  
Frank wanted to make sure he could see him.  
Gerard nodded, then kissed him again, not quite distraction enough from the sound of a lid popping.  
Gerard shifted over him, a hand on Frank’s shoulder, both steadying himself, and a grounding point for Frank.  
Gerard let Frank feel his hand brush against his inner thigh, not the scarred one, the other leg.  
Their eyes fixed carefully on each others, it seemed like Gerard was once again asking, without saying a word.   
And Frank nodded.  
He closed his eyes, tight, when he felt the finger slowly push into him.  
He opened them quickly though, not wanting to make Gerard worry.   
Sure enough, there was that look in Gerard’s eyes again.   
“I’m fine.” Frank insisted before he could be asked.   
Gerard simply nodded, drawing his finger back out again, back in, going slowly the whole time, watching Frank’s face, eyes carefully.  
Frank was trying hard not to let his discomfort show. It wasn’t even really about the pain, it wasn’t bad. Gerard was being so gentle, so careful, Frank could hardly complain. But… Somehow he’d forgotten how much he hated this part. There had always been something about it that’d felt so… Wrong.   
Perhaps it was the way Jimmy had gone about it, that first time?   
Frank pulled himself away from that memory, quickly.  
Jimmy had no place here.  
Frank was vaguely aware that Gerard was using two fingers now, and twisting, carefully occasionally.  
“That’s enough.” Frank said, hurriedly.  
Gerard paused, but, Frank realised with distress, did not remove his fingers.  
“Frank?” He said, carefully. “If you want to stop. That’s one thing. But if you’re thinking this is enough for us to have sex, I don’t-”  
“I said it’s enough.” Frank said, sternly, not looking at Gerard, and trying to move away.  
“Frank…”  
“I hate it, Gerard! I hate it.”  
“It hurts?” Gerard asked.  
Frank shook his head. Then stopped, and nodded instead. “Yes. But it’s not just that Gee. I don’t- I don’t like it.”  
“Put up with it for a little longer?” Gerard urged, while he started to move his fingers again, a little faster, but still just as carefully.  
Frank shook his head. “Stop, please, Gee. Enough. It’s enough. I know my own body, okay, it’s enough.”   
Gerard paused, and pulled back his fingers.   
Frank’s fast paced breathing seemed even more obvious now.  
Gerard leant in close, kissed Frank’s ear, then whispered into it. “If you want to stop, okay. You know I won’t force you into anything. But if you want to have sex, I’m afraid I’m gonna insist on treating you with care, and that includes making sure you’re properly prepared. I’m sorry you hate it, but I’m not going to rush into sex and risk hurting you, badly.”   
Frank’s eyes remained closed, and Gerard pressed his cheek against Frank’s.   
Frank was just pleased the tears in his eyes hadn’t escaped.  
“I don’t want to be like this, Gee.” He said, quietly. “I don’t want this to be so difficult.”  
“Just relax.” Gerard said, soothingly.  
Frank half expected Gerard to carry on then. That’s what usually followed after the word ‘relax’, after all.   
But, he didn’t, Gerard stayed exactly as he was.  
Once again, waiting for Frank to give the word to stop, or carry on.   
Frank thought it over, so many detailed and complicated thoughts running in his head it was hard to conceive that it’d only taken a few seconds for him to reach a conclusion.   
No, Frank was never going to like this part, he knew he’d never enjoy it, and he knew now that Gerard understood that. But, equally he understood that Gerard would only do what was best for Frank, to take care of him.   
This wasn’t like the others. Some who fingered him for too long because they enjoyed it. Some who went too fast because they found it boring. Some who didn’t have a clue how to do it right. Some who didn’t bother at all.   
All Gerard wanted was to look after him.   
Finally, Frank nodded. “A little more.” He said.   
Gerard sat back up, and watched Frank’s face again as he carried on.  
Frank didn’t bother to hide his discomfort this time, the secret was out, and Gerard knew he didn’t like it, but equally knew Frank understood how important it was.   
The hand on his shoulder moved to his cheek as Gerard told him, softly, “Only a little more, okay? Just a little.”  
Finally, Gerard was done, and Frank gasped with relief.   
Frank looked up at Gerard, who was smiling down at him. Frank watched as Gerard sat back, exposing both of them, but, Frank realised, this time he didn’t care so much, just let his eyes wander over Gerard, settling, for a few beats longer than anywhere else, on his cock.  
It looked big, suddenly more so than Frank remembered. Had it been that big before when they had been touching each other? When Frank had sucked it?  
He couldn’t remember. Then, when he saw Gerard pick up the lube again, it stuck Frank that soon, that cock would be inside him.  
Which was probably why he was freaking out over the size.  
Except… He wasn’t. Not really. Sure, he was a little nervous. But something else very definitely won out over his nerves.   
Anticipation.   
Before Gerard opened the lube, he paused, and rummaged into the drawer again, once again pulling out one of the little foil squares.  
“Just to check…” Gerard said, hesitantly. Then he smiled, a nervous smile.   
Frank looked at the condom between Gerard’s fingers.  
He knew it was sensible, to use one. There’d been enough posters at the clinic, and the doctor had given him a gentle lecture on it. He was sure Gerard had heard the same thing, over and over. He was probably thinking of those lectures, of the posters, of all the warnings.  
But… They were both healthy, and they had the test results to prove it.   
Frank bit his lip. “I know we should Gee, but…”  
“Same here.” Gerard agreed. Letting the condom fall from his hand, landing somewhere on the bed.   
Neither of them bothered to see where. 

Frank watched as Gerard got some of the lube on his hand, and carefully coated it over his cock.  
Gerard looked up at Frank, and grinned, a little wickedly. “Watching me, Frankie?”   
“Just making sure you know what you’re doing.” Frank teased back.   
Gerard just grinned, then leaned down, kissing Frank, deeply.   
Frank shifted down a little, bending his legs at the knees, and drawing them up as he parted them further. Still leaning over him, Gerard moved closer, one hand once more on his thigh, this time the other one, his thumb stroking over the scar there.  
The other hand reached into Frank’s hair, brushing it back as he kissed him, again, and once more.  
“Remember, you can tell me to stop, at any point, okay?”   
Frank nodded, he knew that already, but it was a comfort to hear it anyway.   
Gerard grabbed the covers, and pulled it back over them, then moved that little bit closer.  
Frank’s breath caught as he felt Gerard so close.  
“Ready?”  
His voice as caught as his breath, Frank simply nodded.  
Then, “Wait!”   
Gerard hadn’t moved, but his eyes focused on Frank, waiting, as instructed.   
“I- Uh- You…” Frank forced himself to stop, start again. “I haven’t asked… Are you ready for this?”   
Gerard looked at him, taken aback.   
It’d never occurred to him to take that into account.   
Then he smiled. “Yes.” He said.   
Satisfied, Frank smiled back, and let himself relax, completely.   
He felt Gerard’s fingers again, briefly, and closed his eyes again. Then they were gone, and Gerard was closer than before, Frank could feel him, could feel his cock close against his ass, not quite pushing yet.   
Then, bewildering Frank entirely, Gerard laughed, softly.   
“Fuck.” Gerard, in a hushed voice. “Would you believe… I’m nervous?”  
Frank waited for Gerard to look at him, then nodded. “Me too. But… That’s good, right? It means this is important.”   
Gerard smiled, then nodded.  
Then, whilst still keeping perfect eye contact with Frank, he moved his hips, pushing in, slowly.  
Frank managed to keep his eyes open for the first second or so. Then closing his eyes, tight, as his mouth opened, not quite like a silent scream, but it wasn’t in pleasure either.   
Gerard kissed his cheek, his temple. Frank could feel a hand on his hip, running soft, soothing circles. “You’re okay, you’re okay.” Gerard hushed.  
Frank’s focus turned fully to the cock slowly penetrating him, and, he felt himself distancing from it, from the situation, becoming detached.  
He realised what he was doing, realised he was doing what he’d used to, with Jimmy, with the others, but he had no idea how to stop it. He’d never wanted to stop it before, and now, he panicked. Not because it hurt, but because he found he could barely feel it. All the other sensations too, the hand on his hip, the kisses on his face, they all felt dulled, like there was a layer between him and what was happening to him.   
He’d perfected this trick too well, it seemed.   
And, worst of all, it did not protect him from the memories. Because he couldn’t properly feel Gerard, his brain couldn’t fully register it was him.   
He felt trapped.

Gerard saw Frank’s hands suddenly grip the bed sheets, tight so his knuckles looked even paler than usual.  
Gerard closed one of his hands over Frank’s, trying to loosen it. “Tell me if it hurts too much. We can slow down, we can stop.”  
When Frank didn’t answer, Gerard got a little of an idea of what was going on. 

Frank wanted to open his eyes, he wanted to be able to see Gerard. He knew, he knew it was Gerard he was with, but the panic part of his brain wasn’t listening, and it was taking over.   
Frank felt helpless, but, at the same time, he guessed this was what he deserved. He’d created this ‘protective distance’ for himself, so it was his own fault.  
Then, something other than his own voice managed to get through.   
Gerard.   
“Frank.” He sounded hushed, but incredibly loud. In a good, comforting way. “Frank, did you leave again?”  
Frank went to shake his head, but, instead, nodded, truthfully.   
“Haven’t I told you to stay here? Stay here, with me.”  
Again, Frank nodded. “Gerard.”  
“I’m here.”  
“Can we… Can we stop? Just- Just for a second, please? I think-”  
And, all at once, the layer of distance was removed, and Frank felt able to open his eyes. Which he did, and sat up, throwing his arms around Gerard, holding him tight.   
Frank felt arms gently curling around his waist, and he felt grateful, so grateful they were there, grateful he could feel them. Grateful he could feel Gerard, skin pressed close to his own. 

Gerard wasn’t quite sure what’d happened, he only knew something had effected Frank, badly.   
He was shaking again, and Gerard could hear him crying, softly.   
Gerard rubbed his hand over Frank’s back, in soothing circles. It seemed Frank liked, wanted, welcomed the close contact, needed it.  
“I think…” Gerard said, carefully. “I think it’d be a good idea for us to stop, for tonight.”  
He’d expected Frank to nod, to say he thought that too.  
But, instead, Frank pulled away, looking at Gerard with startled, but serious eyes.   
“No. No, Gee. I- We can do this. I want to do this.”  
Gerard brushed Frank’s hair back, away from his face, then brushed away some of Frank’s tears. “I can’t hurt you.” Gerard said. “Please, don’t ask me to.”  
Frank shook his head. “It wasn’t hurting, Gee, it-”  
“Hurt isn’t just physical, Frank.” Gerard interrupted. “And I won’t be the cause of either kind.”   
“Gerard.” Frank said, carefully. “I know, well, that there are two kinds of hurt, and believe me I would take the physical over the other kind any day.”  
He held up a hand to pause Gerard, who’d opened his mouth to speak, to protest, Frank assumed.   
“Gerard, I… When I was… With someone, before. I used to distance myself from what was happening, I guess, to protect myself, or to pretend it wasn’t really happening. Only… Now I don’t want that, I want to be able to feel you, to be able to… Experience it all. Even if it hurts.”  
Gerard frowned slightly, thinking this over. “And this… Distancing thing… That’s what happened just now?”   
Frank nodded. “And… I panicked, because I didn’t know how to stop it.”  
“How did you come out of it then? I mean… You spoke to me, told me to stop. You’ve never been that coherent when you’ve had panic attacks before.”   
The answer was easy, of course. “I heard your voice.”   
Gerard thought about this.  
They both had a feeling they knew what it would take to make this work. 

Frank was already laying back down, getting himself back into the position he’d been in.  
Gerard, however, hesitated. “Frank, we… We don’t have to do this tonight, okay? Don’t feel like you have to.”  
Frank smiled, shook his head. “You have no idea how much I want this.” He reached his arms up, and Gerard leant over him, kissed him.  
“You have no idea how much I want you, Gerard Way.”  
Gerard smiled, possibly blushing.  
“Okay. Let’s try this again.”

More lube, more careful touches, hushed voices.   
Frank made sure to keep his eyes open, and on Gerard. Even as he felt Gerard close, once again, he resisted the urge to close his eyes.   
Then, after the same question of whether he was ready, and the same assurance that he was, Gerard moved himself, slowly, again, his cock pushing in a little easier this time.   
Again, Frank fought to keep his eyes open, they desperately wanted to close, instead he let his mouth open again, slightly pained panting passing his lips.  
Then his eyes closed, and he feared going under again.   
Before he could though, he felt a hand on his cheek, a thumb stroking just under his eye.   
“Stay here. Stay with me. I’m here.”  
Frank couldn’t quite open his eyes, he grabbed for Gerard’s other hand, holding it tight, a little too tight, but Gerard let him.  
“Come on, Frank. Stay here.”   
Then, finally, Frank opened his eyes again, and saw Gerard, looking down at him, an anxious look on his face, but love, pride in his eyes.  
“I’m here.” Frank said, quietly, repeating back to Gerard the words that had got him through so much, early on.   
Gerard kissed him, and Frank allowed his eyes to close for that, immediately open again after.   
He could feel… Everything.   
He could feel Gerard’s hand, still on his face, and the soft, sweet remnants of their kiss on his lips.   
He could feel Gerard’s other hand, clasped tightly in his own.   
A little too tightly, he realised, and loosened his hold, enough to be comfortable.   
He could feel where their stomachs touched, just slightly. And where his thighs pressed up against Gerard.  
Most of all though, he could feel Gerard’s cock, inside him, not quite completely, he knew that, but enough.   
He could feel it, it felt as big as it had looked earlier, and it felt like it was pushing, stretching, opening him up. He ached and just slightly burned with the feel of it.  
It felt so _good_ to feel it all.

“Okay?” Gerard asked, softly.  
Frank nodded, tipping his head back against the pillows. “Move.” He said, a sure command, which Gerard followed, pulling out, then pushing back in, going in a little further than last time.   
Still with his head tipped back, Frank opened his mouth again, wide, surprising himself with a moan louder than anything he’d faked.   
He brought his head back up, and looked at Gerard with startled eyes, seeing that Gerard also looked surprised.   
Then he laughed. “Shan’t bother asking if it feels good then.” Gerard teased.  
Frank reached his arm up again, curling it around the back of Gerard’s neck, encouraging him down, kissing him.   
Even kisses felt about a hundred times better, like everything was magnified. Every place their skin touched felt like beautiful, safe fire. 

Gerard moved carefully, slowly. He didn’t want to speed up, he wanted this to last.   
It felt good, so good. And, more than that, it felt _right_. Being with Frank… Yes it’d taken a while to get here, but that was hardly the point. And, it didn’t matter if this didn’t happen again, for a long time, possibly. What mattered was what was happening now, and the fact it was a big deal.   
Frank trusted him to see him this vulnerable, to be with him in this way that had terrified Frank so much.   
It was perfect, together they were perfect.  
He looked down at Frank, whose eyes were trying to close, but Frank wouldn’t let them. Something told Gerard it was no longer out of fear, it was because he didn’t want to take his eyes off Gerard.   
Gerard stroked his hand through Frank’s hair, again, unperturbed that it was slightly damp with sweat now.   
“You’re perfect.”   
Frank shook his head, his eyes not even trying to close now. “You are.” Frank insisted.   
Gerard smiled, shaking his head in protest.   
“I love you.”   
To that, Frank smiled. “I love you.” He replied.  
Gerard kissed him then, his hand grabbing a handful of the slightly damp hair, his hips moving ever so slightly faster, pleased to feel Frank’s hips moving in time with his.   
Even as the kiss ended, they kept their mouths close, lips parted, panting against each other, occasionally moaning, loud.

They’d wanted to stay like that for… A long time, but, as with every first time, it didn’t last as long as they’d wanted.   
“I’m close.” Gerard panted into Frank’s ear.  
Frank nodded, something about the shift in rhythm had told him that already.   
“Touch me.” Frank said, in reply, taking and guiding Gerard’s hand to his cock, crying out slightly when he realised how hard he was.  
“Seems like you’re not far off either.” Gerard said.   
Frank didn’t reply, it didn’t need a reply.  
“If you don’t want me coming inside you, tell me.” Gerard said, his voice sounding jagged.   
The word ‘now’ was unspoken but obvious at the end of that sentence.   
“I want you to come in me.” Frank replied.  
Gerard nodded.   
Frank beat him to it, just. Covering Gerard’s hand and both their stomachs.   
It was the final thing that pushed Gerard over the edge.   
He buried his face against Frank’s shoulder, holding Frank’s hand as tight as Frank had held his just a moment ago.   
And, despite being in the process of coming down from his orgasm, Frank found himself crying out in pleasure as he felt Gerard come inside him.

Very carefully, as both of them felt shaky, Gerard moved back, out of Frank, and off him.  
Frank thought he admired Gerard at that moment, he didn’t feel like he could move at all.  
Slowly he lowered his legs, which felt stiff from being in the same position so long.  
Both their breathing was still heightened, trying to return to normal.  
Frank felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked over, saw Gerard, laying on his side, his arms reaching for Frank.   
With a little effort, Frank rolled onto his side, shifted over, their flush bodies pressing together once more.  
“You beautiful, wonderful, amazing man, Frank Iero.” Gerard said, nuzzling his face into Frank’s hair. “I love you.”  
Frank beamed with pride.  
“You said that already. The love part.” Frank pointed out.   
“And I’ll say it again and again.” Gerard said, punctuating his words with soft little kisses. “I love you. I love you. I love you.”


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the big events of the previous night, we now see the effects it has had on Frank, Gerard and their relationship.   
> And Frank has another bold plan.

Since the previous night, and once they woke up again, the two had barely separated.  
They’d also barely got dressed.  
Gerard had been the first to wake, immediately seeing Frank next to him, then remembering why this was an even bigger deal than it had been before.   
He shifted up closer, warm skin brushing against warm skin.   
God this felt almost as intimate as the events a few hours previous.   
Shifting a little closer again, and Gerard nuzzled against Frank’s neck, kissing him there lightly a couple of times, the second time producing a happy little noise from Frank, though he was obviously still asleep.   
Gerard left him sleeping, but didn’t move.  
In the end it only took a few more minutes before Frank woke up.   
He smiled, beautifully, then kissed Gerard, who carefully moved his body so he was slightly on top of Frank.   
“Morning.” Gerard said, softly.   
“Morning.”  
“You…” Gerard paused, frowning slightly as he thought about what he was going to say. “You’re alright?” He settled on, eventually, the concern obvious.   
Frank nodded. “I…” His turn to pause, to frown. Thinking. Then his eyes went a little wide.   
“It really happened, didn’t it? I… We…” He trailed off, and Gerard was frowning again, worried now. “You’re not… Regretting it, are you?”   
“What?!” Frank exclaimed. “No! Fuck. Gee, why would you…?” Then, after a final trailing off, Frank reached up, gently pulling Gerard down for another kiss. “I just can’t believe it finally… I love you so much.”   
“I love you too.”   
Frank smiled up at him, feeling a happy little buzz running through his body.   
Gerard kissed him again, then again, finally deepening the kiss, their lips unable to be parted from each others, mouths opening and tongues very delicately exploring.  
“You didn’t answer my question.” Gerard eventually said, between kisses.   
“What question?” Frank had honestly, completely and utterly forgotten any question had been asked.   
“I asked if you were alright. If you were, well, if you’re okay?”   
Gerard had become nervous, unsure, and clearly a little worried. He stopped kissing Frank, instead just looking down at him, frowning ever so slightly, his eyes searching Frank’s for an answer.   
Frank frowned back for a few moments, before suddenly getting it. “Oh!” His eyes went wide. He fidgeted slightly. “Um… I think so. I, I told you it hurt at first, and I’ve always hated… You know… The, um, the prep stuff.”  
“You know that can be good too, right?” Gerard said, lightly kissing him again. Frank shook his head. “I doubt it.”  
“I’ll show you.” Gerard promised.   
“Okay.” Frank sounded unconvinced. “But… Yes. I’m okay. I feel okay. I feel… Good.”  
Gerard smiled again. “Good.” He repeated Frank, then bent to kiss him once more.

It didn’t take long for hands to start wandering.  
Smoothing over skin, fingers tracing little patterns, occasionally catching each other before continuing their explorations.   
Frank was the first to move down, to ever so lightly brush his fingers over Gerard’s hip, then down further, fingertips barely touching his cock.  
Gerard inhaled sharply at the feather touch. And Frank paused, then repeated the action, barely even touching Gerard yet again.   
It was a little more of a moan that time.   
A few more of the lightest of touches, then Frank finally curled his fingers around Gerard’s cock, started slowly, steadily stroking him.  
“Fuck.” Gerard gasped, he’d stopped kissing Frank, and as he opened his eyes, Frank saw Gerard’s eyes tightly closed, pleasure making him seem more beautiful than ever.   
Frank bent to kiss him again, then whispered, softly, “I, uh… Did you wanna… Again?”   
He felt embarrassed that he couldn’t say the words outright, but he felt certain Gerard understood what he was asking anyway.   
He backed off, smiling, so he could see Gerard’s reaction.  
His smile fell when he saw Gerard was frowning.   
Then Gerard closed his hand over Frank’s, then pushed it away, stopping him.   
Frank returned the frown, and sat back, on his heels, waiting for Gerard to explain.   
He tried to deny his slightly panicked, paranoid thoughts.   
Gerard opened his eyes, and saw the worry looking back at him. He sighed, and tried to smile.   
Then he shook his head. “Frank, I can’t. You know it’s too soon. Last night was your first time in… A while. I’ll hurt you if-”  
Frank closed his eyes, briefly, and sighed with relief, this made more sense.   
Gerard was just worried about hurting him.   
He bent back down, and kissed Gerard.  
“I don’t care.” Frank said. “You won’t hurt me, it didn’t hurt much last night, I was okay. I just want-”  
Gerard cut him off abruptly, he sat up and pulled Frank back up with him, so as not to be baring down over him. “I’m not saying we can’t, eventually. I’m just saying…” He stopped, smiled ever so slightly. “I’m just saying ‘slow down’.”   
Frank looked away from him, and said, quietly, “I don’t think you understand…”   
“Don’t I?” Gerard asked, softly.   
Frank looked up again then.   
He smiled, just a little. “Okay, maybe you do. But, Gee-”  
“I get it.” Gerard interrupted. “Last night… Was a huge deal. I just… Think maybe we should spend a little time… Appreciating that.”   
To that, Frank finally nodded, thinking this over.   
They laid back down then, Frank resting his head on Gerard’s chest.

When Frank finally spoke again it was to say, “Would you be offended if I showered now?”   
Gerard laughed. “No, go ahead.” Then, as Frank sat up, pushed the covers off himself, Gerard added. “I might just follow you.” Frank turned to look at him, grinned, then nodded, blushing slightly. “Okay.” Then he got up, headed out the door.   
Gerard pushed back the covers completely then. Saw what he was looking for almost immediately.  
Blood. Only a little, but it was still there. He’d known Frank had bled last night, but he wasn’t sure how much. He was glad it was only a little.  
He still felt bad about it though. 

##

Frank stood under the shower, closing his eyes as he raised his face up to the stream.  
It felt good, like it always felt good.  
But he didn’t have it too hot this time, only as warm as he needed it to be. Comfortable.   
He didn’t need to be ‘cleansed’.

When he heard the door opening, he felt a small jolt in his stomach.  
Not fear, for the first time.  
But excitement.  
He watched the curtain, trying to make out the shadowy shape of Gerard the other side of it.  
Kept himself still, knowing Gerard could see him much more plainly.  
Then, with a slightly shaking hand, Frank took hold of the edge of the curtain, and pulled it back.  
Gerard was standing right there, waiting.   
He kept his eyes fixed on Frank’s.  
Frank pushed back his soaking hair out of his eyes.  
Gerard watched him do this, biting his lip ever so slightly.  
“You joining me?” Frank asked, nervously.  
Gerard nodded, finally letting his eyes stray, wander over Frank’s body. “Please?” He said.  
Frank nodded, stepped back, giving Gerard space.  
He watched as Gerard slipped off his only article of clothing, his underwear, then stepped closer to the shower.  
Frank held out his hand, which Gerard took, letting him help him step in.   
Gerard drew the curtain closed again behind him, even as he drew his other arm around Frank, bringing him close.   
Their wet, warm bodies pressed close as Gerard kissed him, just once, then pulled back, looking at him, smiling.  
Frank reached his hands up, pushing back Gerard’s already drenched hair, enjoying the feel of it.  
Enjoying the feel of Gerard’s skin as he ran his hands down Gerard’s neck, shoulders and back more though.  
Gerard kissed him again, his hands following a similar path to Frank’s.  
“We- We’re not very good at- Focusing, are we?” Frank said, a little breathlessly.  
Gerard frowned slightly, not understanding.  
Frank laughed, softly. “Shower, Gee. Generally used for washing, not for making out in.”  
“Who says we can’t do both?” Gerard asked, pressing closer again, kissing him again.  
Then reaching for the shampoo.  
He took Frank’s hand, who watched him, carefully, as he squeezed out some of the bottles contents into the palm of Frank’s hand.  
“I’ll do yours, you do mine?” Gerard suggested, with a smile.  
Frank nodded, then, again, laughed. “There’s no way I can reach you properly, Gee. Not if you want me to do a good job.”   
“Okay.” Gerard said, his voice slightly hushed.  
Then, keeping eye contact, he slowly lowered himself onto his knees.  
Frank stared down, a sharp intake of breath as he realised how… Close Gerard was.  
“Don’t go getting any ideas.” Frank warned.  
At that Gerard grinned, moved his head forward slightly, making Frank back off, his back straight against the wall now. “I mean it!” He insisted.  
Gerard laughed. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll be good” He promised.  
Satisfied, Frank got on with the task set for him.  
Though when it got to be his turn to get on his knees, he found it equally difficult to resist.  
Gerard watched him, Frank having to close his eyes not just because of the threat of shampoo blinding him, but because the proximity was too much.  
When Gerard told him he was done, Frank kept his eyes closed, but moved forward a little.  
Letting his lips gently touch Gerard’s cock.  
Gerard pulled him to his feet quickly.  
“What were you saying about washing, not making out?” Gerard breathed into his ear, before kissing it, then kissing his neck.  
“You said we could do both.” Frank argued.   
“But we’re not done with the washing part.” Gerard countered, now getting the shower gel, and the two washcloths they kept in there.  
Frank could barely stand it as he felt Gerard running the slightly harsh cloth over his skin.  
He eventually brought himself to do the same.  
Over shoulders, backs, chests, stomachs.  
Over and under arms.  
Up legs, thighs.  
Finally, as Frank reached Gerard’s crotch, he dropped the cloth, taking Gerard’s cock in hand.  
Gerard did the same, pushing Frank back against the wall as he did.   
“Okay?” Gerard asked, meaning was Frank okay with being pinned.  
Frank nodded, wordlessly, his mouth searching for and finding Gerard’s, his free arm looping behind Gerard’s neck, pulling him closer.  
The kiss broke quickly, Frank burying his face against Gerard neck, panting softly. Hearing Gerard’s moans in his ear.

When they stepped out of the shower, they grabbed towels as they went, then curled back together on Gerard’s bed, gently drying each other off, before laying back down again, towels and bedcovers randomly covering and exposing their bodies.

###

When they awoke again, they were even more bundled up than they had been when they fell asleep. The towels and covers all caught and tangled up.  
Gerard opened his eyes first, and saw Frank, smiling in his sleep.  
He leant closer, and, gently kissed the very end of his nose.  
Frank slowly opened his eyes, scrunching up his nose as he did.  
“Did you just kiss-”  
“Yep.”   
Frank giggled, softly, then pushed himself up, to kiss Gerard’s lips.  
Then his nose.  
“Yours is cuter anyway.” Frank argued. 

Slipping on underwear, they both, finally, got themselves out of bed.  
They went into the kitchen, where Gerard started making coffee, and finding the other breakfast things.  
Frank hopped up onto the counter, his usual place in the kitchen while Gerard was busy.  
Turned out this time he picked the wrong place to sit.  
“Frank, I gotta get in that cupboard.” Gerard complained, trying to nudge Frank out the way.  
Frank shook his head. “Tough.” He said, playfully.  
“Oh, tough, huh?” Gerard challenged, moving close, pushing Frank’s knees apart, moving between his legs.  
“Yep.” Frank said, crossing his ankles behind Gerard, trapping him, his arms going around the back of Gerard’s neck as he bent to kiss him.  
Gerard slipped his arms around Frank’s waist, then he whispered, “I’d hold on if I were you.”  
Then, giving Frank just enough time to realise what he meant, and to do so, Gerard hoisted him up off the counter.  
Frank clung on tight, waiting until Gerard set him down again, just a little further down.  
Gerard kissed him again, then let go, grinning as he moved back to the cupboard he’d been trying to get to. 

##

Frank couldn't help it. After the previous night, when him and Gerard had finally slept together, he felt so... He felt liberated.  
Was this what people normally felt like during a relationship? Happy? Free? He guessed so.  
It surprised him how easy it was now, being with him, touching him. Frank didn't want to stop.  
There was a tiny, niggling doubt however... Frank was scared this wasn't going to last, that at any moment things were going to go bad, the memories would come, and he'd be afraid again.  
He knew Gerard was worried about that too. It was obvious in the quick glances he gave Frank, when he thought Frank wasn't looking. A small frown, checking Frank over, making sure he was okay, still relaxed, still smiling.  
These thoughts didn't come often though, most of the time they were far too consumed with each other.

###

They went out again the next day, Gerard had to work again, and Frank wanted to go with him.   
Fact was, Frank wanted to spend as little time away from him as possible, even more so than before. 

The day passed as nicely and easily as they’d both hoped.   
Both Ray and Nikki noticed something was different though. Ray only noticed in that he was constantly having to tell Gerard to get to work, as Gerard kept stopping, taking Frank’s hands, holding them, making Frank slightly embarrassed, but also pleased.   
Nikki had noticed a little more though.   
She noticed that, even more than before, the two boys were touching, just softly, innocently, and clearly not even consciously anymore, it was automatic for them. 

Later, when Gerard had been sent upstairs by Ray to find something, Nikki came over to the counter, where Frank was sitting. She leant over and whispered, “So… What’s going on with you two?”   
Frank looked up, startled. “Uh… What?”   
Nikki laughed, softly, then shook her head. “Ray!” She called, “I’m going on a break, tell Gerard I’ve taken Frank with me.”  
“Tell him yourself, I’m not risking him yelling at me for letting Frank get stolen.”   
Nikki rolled her eyes, then held out her hand to Frank, “Come on.”  
Frank looked at the hand offered, then back up at Nikki.   
“I don’t bite.” She promised. 

Frank didn’t take her hand, but they did go upstairs together. 

After making drinks for both of them, Nikki sat down and said, “Okay, tell me to mind my own business if you want but… There is definitely something different about you two. I mean, you two were cute as hell before anyway, but now… It’s a whole other level. What happened? He propose or something?” She giggled, softly, then sighed. “That’d be just like him, huh? Ever the romantic.”  
Frank also allowed himself a small laugh. Here they were, again, talking about marriage and stuff. Nikki seemed to be pretty hooked on the idea.   
But Frank shook his head. “No, not just yet.”   
Nikki frowned then, staring at Frank, like she was trying to read what was going on straight from his face.   
Eventually Nikki shook her head, and sat back. “Nope, can’t figure it out.” She admitted.   
Then she smiled. “Whatever it is… Must be good though.”   
Frank grinned to himself then, trying not to let his thoughts wander too far, and give himself away. 

##

That night, they started off carefully again.   
But, the both knew it wasn’t going to stay that way.   
Frank wanted to keep testing himself, now he knew he could go that far. And, though Gerard was still cautious, he didn’t want to hold Frank back unnecessarily. 

Frank had already wandered, hand in Gerard’s underwear, touching gently, but with certain purpose.   
Gerard reached out his hand, wanting to copy the gesture, to give back what he was getting, but Frank grabbed his hand, stopped him.   
Gerard opened his eyes, frowned slightly, confused. “I want to focus on you.” Frank said.   
“But I-”   
Frank cut off his protest, kissing him deeply.   
“You can give back later.” Frank told him, with a grin.  
Then he disappeared under the covers, pushing Gerard onto his back as he did.   
It didn’t take long for Gerard to figure out what he was doing, and he spread his legs, allowing Frank easier access.   
Fuck, it’d only been the night before last that Frank had last sucked him, though only briefly, Gerard couldn’t believe he’d already forgotten just how good he was.  
Gerard pushed the covers back, he wanted to see Frank, wanted the little extra exposure. He looked down, before a wave of pleasure made him close his eyes, tilting his head back as he moaned.  
Then he noticed something, though one of Frank’s hands stayed firm on Gerard’s hip, the other seemed to be glancing over his inner thigh. One second it was there, then it was gone, like Frank couldn’t make up his mind about something, he was hesitant to do something.  
Finally, Frank trailed his hand down, then under, glancing briefly on Gerard’s ass before moving to glide one finger just slightly in.  
Gerard gasped a little in pain. “Frank, not, not without-”   
Frank snatched his hand away, and at the same time sat up, neglecting Gerard entirely now.   
He was staring right at Gerard’s face, looking guilty, sorry and more than a little embarrassed.   
“I’m sorry, I-”  
“Did you want to have sex? Is that where you were going with that?” Gerard asked. Frank’s eyes went wide, he shook his head. “Not that way round.” He answered, quickly.   
Gerard frowned. “Frank… Have you ever-”  
Frank shook his head again before Gerard could finish the sentence.   
Gerard beckoned him to lie back down, which he did. Gerard moved onto his side, taking Frank into his arms again.   
He kissed him, once. “I’ll tell you this now, Frank. I’d like you to.”   
Before Frank to protest, Gerard continued, “Not now, I know you don’t want to now, but… At some point.” He leaned in closer, whispered in Frank’s ear. “And I actually love the idea of being the first.”   
Frank had to admit…   
He kinda loved the idea of Gerard being the first too.  
But the thought of having sex that way around was… It was scary to him. The idea of being the one inside someone else.   
The idea of being inside Gerard…  
What if he hurt him? What if he did something wrong?   
But… Shit, it was a nice idea. Even if it was too scary for Frank to deal with right now.   
He kissed Gerard, deeply again, pressing himself close.   
“Can we still…?”  
Gerard nodded. 

Similar position again, Gerard above, Frank still wouldn’t turn over, not even for the prep.  
Gerard attempted to coax him, but Frank shook his head. “I don’t like it anyway… I couldn’t take it at all if I couldn’t at least see you.”  
Gerard nodded, then continued, and he asked, “What don’t you like so much?”   
Frank frowned. He wasn’t sure exactly, and he never liked to stop long enough to think about it.   
He screwed his nose up and grimaced. “I dunno… Fingers, they feel… Wrong. Like they’re not supposed to be there.”   
It was at least a part of the truth.  
Gerard chuckled, softly, but not unkindly. “Oh, and a cock is?”   
Frank’s eyes darted away from Gerard then. “Yours is.” He said, quietly, visibly blushing, even in the dark.  
Gerard made no reply, only bent to kiss Frank’s cheek, then his lips. 

“Don’t be surprised if this still hurts.” Gerard said, as he shifted closer.  
Frank nodded, “I know. I know.”  
As Gerard slowly moved into him, Frank felt that wave of panic rear up again.  
Then Gerard took his hand, and held it tight.  
And that was enough to make the panic recede.   
Then Frank could just get lost in the knowledge he was with Gerard again, and that he was safe.  
Soft, honest moans and sighs spilled out of Frank’s mouth, and he enjoyed every one of them almost as much as he enjoyed the sounds leaving Gerard’s slightly parted lips.

###

Alice was watching the boys more carefully than usual.   
Wondering who was coming up to Saint Jimmy just for their usual instructions for the night, and who was there to pass on information.

Frank had been seen.  
Again.  
Not Harry again this time, one of the other boys.  
Practically came running through the bar.  
That’s how Alice could tell. The ones with information on Frank came hurrying, with excited looks in their eyes.   
Expecting a reward for a job well done. 

Alice had been tempted to block the path of the boy, stop him from getting to Jimmy.  
But that would’ve been too obvious. 

This time Frank had just been seen walking, again with another man, they guessed the same as the one who’d been with him at the clinic.  
The boy hadn’t been smart enough to follow the pair to wherever they were going.  
Something Alice was grateful for.   
Something Jimmy had been furious for.  
“Next time _follow them_!”   
Then he’d shook his head. “No wonder we haven’t found him yet. I’ve got a bunch of fucking idiots looking for him.”   
“Why don’t you just go look for him yourself?” Johnny asked, irritably.   
Saint Jimmy has barely looked at him as he replied, “I’m a very busy man, Johnny. If I had time, I’d be out there.” 

That made Alice even more nervous.   
How long until Jimmy decided it was worth him going out himself?   
The more Frank was seen, the more confident Jimmy would become. 

In her own apartment that night, she muttered a quiet plea.  
“Wherever you’re hiding Frank, please. Stay there.”

##

A few more days on and all day, Frank had been toying with an idea in his head.   
Something he wanted to do, or, more accurately, something he knew Gerard wanted to do, that would make him happy, and therefore Frank wanted to do it for him.   
He didn’t say anything about it, just in case. Frank still wasn’t sure, and he didn’t want to tie himself into the situation until he was certain he could do this. 

Somehow, most of the day had gone by without Frank realising. It was getting to the point where he knew if he didn’t say something, it would become too late. 

Gerard had just got up from the couch, and headed into the kitchen, and now, Frank knew, he had to make his decision.   
Pushing himself up off the couch, Frank hurried into the kitchen after Gerard, who looked over, smiled. “Wanna help?”   
Frank shook his head. “I- Um…”  
Gerard frowned, slightly. “What’s up?”   
Frank closed his eyes.  
Holy shit, his heart was beating really, really fast. He was nervous. Really, really nervous.   
It was so stupid, he knew it, but at the same time, it was so important.   
“I-” Frank forced himself to stop, to look at Gerard, and get the words out, calmly.   
“You said, before, I mean, a while ago. You wanted to… Go out. With me. You wanted… You wanted to go out on ‘dates’ with me.”  
Slowly, Gerard nodded, turning his body so he was fully facing Frank, waiting for him to continue.  
“I- Um. I was thinking…” Frank said, trailing off once again.   
“You wanna go out tonight?” Gerard guessed, his eyes a little wide as he realised what Frank was suggesting.   
Frank nodded, and, for a few seconds, Gerard continued to stare at him.  
Then, a beautiful smile spread across his face, and Frank couldn’t help but offer a small, shy smile back.   
“Really?” Gerard asked, a dazed but happy disbelief in his voice. “You mean it?”   
Again, Frank nodded, his smile broadening as Gerard came closer, his arms going around Frank’s waist, pulling him close. Frank ducked his head, shyly.  
“You’re sure?” Gerard asked, softly, looking concerned now, he was double checking.   
Once again, Frank nodded. Then he looked up. “I figured it’s about time I did something for you.”   
Gerard kissed him, gently then.   
“Where do you wanna go?” Gerard asked.  
“I don’t know.” Frank answered, honestly. Though he’d been thinking about it all night, he hadn’t been able to settle on any set plan. He didn’t even know what he should suggest as a ‘date’.  
“I haven’t… Uh. I guess I’ve never been on a ‘date’ before.” Frank admitted.   
Gerard laughed, “Not even with one of the girls from school whose hearts you broke?” He teased.   
Frank smiled. “Wasn’t much of a heart breaker.” He replied. Then he thought about it, more carefully. “I guess I did ‘see’ a couple of girls like that. But… All we did was go to the park.”  
“That it?” Gerard nudged. “Just sat in the park. Nothing else?”   
Frank rolled his eyes, knowing what Gerard was doing. “Okay, okay. So we made out in the park, alright? But, it wasn’t a big deal, okay? Never even a proper date.”  
“We could make out in the park.” Gerard said.  
Frank didn’t reply to that.   
Then he felt Gerard’s hand on his cheek, his index finger stroking gently. “We could find a nice, well hidden spot, where no one can see us. Sit out, beneath the stars, together.”  
Frank leant forward, hitting his forehead softly against Gerard’s. “Why’ve you always gotta make everything sound so romantic?” He asked, laughing a little.  
“Dunno.” Gerard admitted. “Can’t help it.”   
Then, moving back a little, Gerard said, “Okay. Here’s an idea. We go out, watch a movie, there’s a couple of good ones on at the moment.”  
Frank nodded, he liked the sound of that.  
Partly he liked that they’d still be fairly secluded. Despite everything, he was still scared of being tracked down, of being seen.   
“Then afterwards we’ll see about the park.” Gerard added, quietly, leaning in to kiss Frank, gently once again.   
Frank smiled, and shook his head.   
Though he wasn’t sure if he really was saying no.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All things in the couples world seems to be running smoothly, Frank continues to overcome fears, and takes a step he never thought he would. 
> 
> But the past is coming up faster than ever.   
> And Frank finds himself running, again.

Frank sat on the bed, watching Gerard with a smile as he got ready for their ‘date’. 

He looked stunning.

“Gee.” Frank said, tentatively.   
The other man turned around from the mirror, eye pencil in hand, one eye perfectly decorated with black, the other waiting for similar treatment. He smiled at Frank, affectionately.   
“I know, I know, I take for fucking ever to get ready but… You know, this is a big deal, so I-”  
“Gee.” Frank said again, interrupting his long stream of words. “I… Uh…” He looked down at his own clothes, once again things he’d borrowed out of Gerard’s closet. (It made him happy how well they fit him now, at first all the shirts had hung off him, as if he were made up entirely of bone), he tugged at the shirt he was wearing. It was nice, and very comfortable, but it wasn’t half as dressy as what Gerard was currently wearing.   
Gerard’s smile dropped slightly as he realised what Frank was getting at, and understood that Frank felt self conscious about it.   
The smile returned quickly though as Gerard gestured towards the closet. “See if you can find anything you wanna wear, you know I don’t mind what you borrow from me.”   
Frank smiled, gratefully, and headed over to the closet, which was already open from when Gerard had been rummaging through it. “I should really be looking for clothes of my own again soon, I guess.” Frank said, as he flicked through the hangers.  
“We’ll go out together one Saturday or something.” Gerard replied, casually.  
Frank couldn’t help but laugh at the idea. “What, on another date?”   
“Shopping is not a date.” Gerard told him, simply.   
Frank laughed again, looking over at Gerard now as he teased. “Oh, what, because shopping is a very serious matter?”   
Gerard spun around, his eyes wide with shock, “Excuse me, I’m not a girl!”   
Frank held his hand over his mouth, trying to stifle giggles.   
Gerard apparently hadn’t realised he’d put his hand on his hip as he’d said this.  
He noticed now, and self consciously dropped his hand. “Shut up.” He grumbled, a smile playing on his lips. “Not a girl.” Gerard stated again as he looked back at the mirror. 

Feeling slightly guilty for teasing Gerard so much, Frank went over to him then, and wrapped his arms around Gerard’s waist.   
“Definitely not a girl.” Frank said, quietly, closing his eyes, hesitating before letting his hand slip and brush carefully over the front of Gerard’s jeans.  
Gerard closed his eyes too, inhaled sharply, before gently pushing Frank’s hand away.   
“Come on, you’ve not even started getting ready yet. We’ll never get out of here at this rate.” 

The only further delay had come when Frank was dressed, and almost completely happy with how he looked, then Gerard had offered him the eyeliner.  
“You should try it, Frank, I think it’d look good on you.”   
Frank had just stared at the pencil. He’d thought he’d got rid of all traces of Saint Jimmy now, but he’d forgotten this one.   
Gerard misread Frank’s reluctance and came closer, “It’s not difficult, here, I’ll do it if you want.”  
Frank backed off, hitting the end of the bed in his haste to get away.   
Now Gerard got the message, and frowned as he noticed the blank look on Frank’s face, the slight fear in his eyes.  
Gerard sighed, heavily. “Sorry.” He said, quietly. “I didn’t know.”  
Frank looked away, annoyed with himself for letting Jimmy back in, and in such a silly, small little way.  
With new determination, Frank stepped forward, and took Gerard’s hand. “I… Don’t know how to do it like you do. Could you show me?”   
Gerard looked up then, and smiled.

Frank sat on the bed again, while Gerard sat slightly up, almost straddling him. A hand placed gently under Frank’s chin to keep him steady.  
“I’m just gonna use a little.” Gerard said. “Even less than what I use. You’re pretty enough without it.” Frank stuck his tongue out, playfully, but tried not to move. Gerard just grinned. 

Finally, after that, they headed out. 

As soon as they stepped out into the night, both wondered if this was such a good idea.   
“If you wanna head back…” Gerard said, tentatively. “Just say so. I don’t mind.”   
Frank shook his head. “I’m not afraid.” He lied. 

##

The cinema was a little far, but Frank soon found himself relaxing, reassured by Gerard’s hand in his own. 

Gerard, naturally, took full charge of the situation as soon as they stepped into the movie theatre. He asked Frank if there was anything he wanted to see, but Frank said he didn’t mind. 

Frank would not have been able to tell you what they ended up seeing, he was too wrapped up with the idea that he was out. On a date. With Gerard.  
He couldn’t quite believe this.

His hand reached out again, and found Gerard’s.  
Gerard looked at him, and smiled, then bent to kiss Frank, carefully on the cheek.  
Frank returned it by kissing Gerard’s lips, the darkness of the room allowing him to feel more comfortable.

When they left, Gerard asked if Frank still wanted to head to the park.   
Frank thought about it, carefully, slightly tempted.   
Eventually he shook his head though. “Do you mind… Is this enough for tonight?”   
Gerard smiled, then bent to kiss Frank’s cheek again.   
“Of course.” 

###

It was getting late by the time they got back to the apartment, so they decided to head straight to bed.  
“Thank you, for tonight.” Gerard said, smiling as he wrapped his arms around Frank’s waist, drawing him closer under the covers. “It really meant a lot to me.”  
Frank nodded. “I know, that’s why I wanted to do it.”   
Gerard kissed him, deeply then.

After the successful, and by all means triumphant night, both of them were feeling confident and wanted to continue with the triumph they’d been experiencing. 

All was going well, kissing, touching, everything bold and confident and ever so slightly hot from both sides. 

Frank especially loved and enjoyed this new feeling that coursed through him when he and Gerard were like this, together, naked again and feeling happy with that fact. He could feel Gerard hard against his stomach, his own hard on just as obvious to himself, and neither of these things felt wrong. He didn’t want to pull away, he only wanted to be closer. 

And Gerard, though ever careful, part of his mind still cautious when he was with Frank, couldn’t deny he was now more relaxed, knowing that Frank was happy, proud to know Frank was confident. 

The brief questions were asked, and it was established that yes, they were going further tonight too.

Gerard grabbed the lube, still on the bedside table from a few days ago, quickly covering his fingers, before curling his hand around and down, pushing gently into Frank.  
Frank winced, his eyes stayed closed a little longer than before.   
“You okay?” Gerard asked.   
“Yeah. Just… Always takes a little getting used to.” Frank assured.   
Gerard continued, noticing that Frank kept wincing, occasionally letting out small noises of pain, which, when Gerard asked, Frank told him was nothing.   
Something felt wrong though. This wasn’t like the other times. It just seemed to keep hurting, getting worse, even.   
Then Gerard drew his fingers out and caught sight of exactly what he’d been scared of.  
Blood.  
Even though they’d taken their time, and there had been space, days even, between each time they’d had sex, and they’d only physically had sex twice, Gerard had wondered if it would still be too much for Frank’s body to take.  
Gerard tried not to think about the amount of abuse he must’ve taken in order for him to be so easily hurt.  
“Frank.” Gerard said, flatly.   
Frank still had his eyes closed, but now, hearing his name, and sensing he wasn’t being touched anymore, he opened them again.   
Then Gerard held up his fingers, and Frank saw why Gerard had stopped, why he sounded so serious.   
“I can’t.” Gerard said.   
Frank felt like screaming, like crying. “Gerard! Please! I- I bleed a lot, okay? I don’t know, I guess maybe I bleed easily or something, please, please don’t-”  
 _‘I bleed a lot’._ Gerard repeated in his head. _How exactly was that supposed to reassure me, Frankie?_   
“Don’t do that!” Frank snapped. “Don’t look at me like that! Please, fuck… Gerard please don’t look at me like that.”   
“Like what?” Gerard asked.  
Frank closed his eyes. “Like you’re imagining me being hurt.”   
Gerard couldn’t deny that was what he’d been thinking, even if it wasn’t in the way Frank thought he was. Gerard had been thinking about how he couldn’t possibly bring himself to hurt Frank.

He bent down, and kissed Frank’s forehead, pushing back his hair.   
Then his cheek, then his lips.   
Slowly, he had a plan forming.   
“So we do this the other way.” Gerard said, simply.   
Frank frowned, waiting for Gerard to explain, knowing he would.   
Gerard leaned in close, and whispered in Frank’s ear, “You inside me.”   
Frank pulled back suddenly, startled. “I- I don’t- Gerard. I wouldn’t know how-”  
“I’ll help you.” Gerard told him.   
Frank shook his head. “But- What if- What if I do it wrong? What if I hurt you?”   
Gerard laughed, softly. “Now you know how I feel.” He said. “Frank. You won’t hurt me, okay? I’ll tell you exactly what to do, and, if anything does hurt, I’ll let you know right away.”   
Frank said nothing, frowning slightly, thinking it over.   
“I don’t know, Gerard, I’m-”  
“It’s okay to be scared.” Gerard said, softly. “It’s okay to be nervous.” He kissed Frank, delicately. “I’m nervous too.” He admitted. “It’s… It’s been a while.”   
Frank saw the sweet, honest smile on Gerard’s lips, and found he couldn’t argue any longer.   
He kissed those lips, then said, “You’re going to have to help me.”   
Gerard nodded, smiling more, his eyes giving away his excitement all the more.  
He held out his hand, and asked Frank to hold his out.   
Frank obeyed, and he watched as Gerard squeezed out some of the lube onto his fingers.   
Then Gerard guided his hand round his back. Frank half thought about pulling his hand back, he was so nervous, but he let Gerard guide him.   
Frank hadn’t realised he’d closed his eyes, but when he opened them, he saw Gerard looking back at him.   
They maintained eye contact.   
“One first.” Gerard said, not having to explain himself. Frank knew he meant ‘one finger’.  
Then, with Gerard’s hand around Frank’s wrist, guiding him, Frank pushed his finger inside Gerard.  
It was a strange feeling, being inside him. Even just his finger, even just a little.  
Gerard eyes were closed, breathing heavy, but even. Opening his eyes again, Gerard asked, “You okay with this?”   
“Gee, shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Frank replied.  
Gerard kissed him. “I’m fine.” He said, simply. “More.” He added.   
It took Frank a second to understand what Gerard meant.   
Then, slowly, very, very slowly, Frank pushed in more.  
Gerard hissed quietly in pain, and immediately Frank pulled back out, scared. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry!”  
Gerard shook his head, grabbing Frank’s hand again. “It’s okay. Only hurt a little. I told you, it’s been a while.”  
“I can’t do this.” Frank said, quietly, despairingly, his eyes cast down, focused on Gerard’s chest.  
He felt pathetic and stupid. He didn’t have the guts to do this. To be the dominant. He couldn’t make himself be the one inside another person. The thought was just too scary for him.  
“Frank.” Gerard took his other hand too now, holding both, tightly. “You’re over thinking this. Calm down.”  
Finally, Frank nodded, allowed his hand to be guided again.  
He watched Gerard’s face, carefully, looking for any signs of discomfort.   
But Gerard knew he was being watched, and hid the signs as best he could.   
Quickly assuring Frank he was fine when he couldn’t. 

Gerard shifted onto his back, and Frank followed him, leaning over him, slightly on top of him.  
“How, um… How do you want to do this?” Frank asked, quietly, unsure on the question itself.  
“Like this.” Gerard replied, pulling Frank down, kissing him as he spread his legs beneath Frank.  
Frank nodded, nervously, as he sat back up.   
He looked down at Gerard, then at himself.  
Once again, he wasn’t sure about this.

Gerard took his hand again then, more lube in his palm this time.  
“Okay with this bit?” Gerard asked.  
Frank looked up at him, smiled, just slightly, and nodded. 

He took much longer than necessary about applying the lube, even grabbing the bottle and getting more.  
Gerard thought about saying something, that he didn’t need to, but he knew it was best not to argue with Frank right now. 

Then Frank looked up again, a look in his eyes begging for Gerard to help.

Gerard lifted his legs slightly, bending at the knees, his feet flat on the mattress.  
“If you want… Use your fingers again first, get used to it.”  
He saw Frank hesitate.   
“Don’t worry about hurting me. I told you, I’m okay.”

As Frank pushed his fingers back inside, he panicked, worried he hadn’t done enough, Gerard still felt too tight, even around his fingers.

Knowing Gerard was waiting though, Frank moved closer, positioning himself.  
“Gee. Please, I don’t, I don’t know if I-”  
Gerard’s eyes were closed, he could feel Frank close, so close. He was both terrified and excited at the same time.  
“Just… a little closer, Frankie. That’s all you’ve gotta do now.”

Clutching Gerard’s hand tight in his own, Frank slowly, carefully, pushed his cock closer, until, finally, he started to feel himself going in, inside Gerard, feeling him opening up for him.  
Frank was gasping, loudly, before he was even half way inside.  
“Oh- Oh _God_ ”  
This was… Beyond anything he thought it would be.   
The feeling of being inside someone, more specifically Gerard was…  
It was beautiful.  
It was a similar, but different kind of beautiful to what he’d experienced before with Gerard.  
He’d never imagined sex, like this, could feel so… Right to him.

As he moved in, slowly further, Frank managed to open his eyes, saw Gerard, beneath him. Eyes closed tight, mouth slightly open.  
Frank brushed his hand over Gerard’s face, causing him to half open his eyes.  
“You okay?” Frank asked.  
Gerard nodded, his arms reaching up, going around Frank’s back, pulling him down, kissing him deeply, deeper as Frank finally pushed all the way inside him.

Just as slowly, Frank pulled out again.  
A fraction faster as he pushed back in again.  
Both moaned, loudly as he did.

“Am I doing okay?” Frank asked.  
Gerard nodded. “F- Fuck. You’re doing… You’re perfect, Frank. You feel…” Gerard threw his head back, into the pillows. “God!” He gasped.

Frank couldn’t even put it into words.   
The way he felt right now… He couldn’t describe it.   
So he didn’t try, instead focusing on his movements, trying not to go too fast, or too hard, though both were impulses that were hard to resist.   
Almost inevitably, Frank came first, his face buried against Gerard’s neck as he tried not to scream with pleasure. Half of his mind fixed on the knowledge he was coming inside Gerard.

Though his body was crying out for rest, to lie down and fall asleep, Frank pulled out, laid beside Gerard, who turned onto his side, to face Frank.  
Frank reached back down, his hand around Gerard’s cock.  
He finished quickly, eyes closed as he cried out.  
Frank watched him, in love with the sounds Gerard made, pressing close so that Gerard’s come fell on both of them.

“You… You did it.” Gerard gasped, his arms wrapping tight around Frank, holding him close.  
Frank just nodded, it seemed unreal to him.  
“You’re… You’re so good.” Gerard continued. “Oh. Fuck. Fuck. You’re…”   
He opened his eyes, took a gentle hold of Frank’s chin, tilted his face up, so he could look right at Frank.  
“You’re perfect. Frank, you’re perfect, and I love you so much.”

##

The boy came running in.   
It was 5am, and the bar was still open, though only barely. A few people dotted around, so Saint Jimmy was easily spotted at the back of the bar, a few of the usual suspects surrounding him, Johnny pressed against him on the seat, head on Jimmy’s shoulder. 

Alice saw the boy first, and stood as he came closer.   
“Jimmy!” The boy called out, excitedly, but also nervously. “Jimmy, I got something!”   
Saint Jimmy raised his head, looking at the boy sceptically. 

Before the question could be asked, the boy held out the thing he had clutched in his hand, a phone, with a picture filling up the display.   
He offered it to Jimmy, who took it, frowning as he deciphered what he was looking at.   
“I saw him, Jimmy. I saw him, and- And I got a picture too. See? That was good, right, Jimmy?”

And then, even those who couldn’t see the picture understood what it was.   
It was Frank.   
A slow smile spread over Jimmy’s lips. “Oh. There you are.” He said, quietly, his voice almost hushed, his finger tracing over one spot in particular on the picture.   
The boy nodded. “He didn’t see me, Jimmy, I promise that, I was the other side of the street, and he was too busy talking to the other guy.”   
The smile dropped as Jimmy changed his focus to the person next to Frank.   
“So that’s who’s had him all this time.”   
To that, the boy just shrugged.   
Jimmy looked up then. “Okay, so, now we know he’s definitely still in the area, and we know who he’s with. Now all we’ve got to do… Is figure out where to find them.”

Sammy, who was sitting next to Johnny, leant over the other man to get a look at the picture.  
When he did, he nearly choked.   
Jimmy merely raised an eyebrow at him, “What is it now Sammy?”   
Sammy held out his hand for the phone and asked, “Can I see that please, Jimmy? Just a second?”   
Jimmy nodded, “Best if everyone gets a look anyway, maybe someone will recognise the other guy.” He said as he handed the phone over. 

Sammy’s eyes went wide. “It is. I thought it was, but… It really fucking is!” Then he laughed, excitedly. “Jimmy! Jimmy _I_ know who the other guy is!”   
He held up the phone, hoping to force Jimmy to figure out who it might be.   
Jimmy frowned, impatiently.   
Then, suddenly, he seemed to get what Sammy was trying to say.   
“Oh. Shit. Wait, you mean.. Your guy? Your… What was it… Ge-”  
“Gerard!” Sammy burst out, excitedly. “Holy fucking shit I dunno how it happened, but FUCK! Jimmy! Frank is with Gerard!”   
Then he frowned, shuddered. “I hope Gee hasn’t been shacking up with the little whore… Who knows what he might‘ve picked up.”   
“Johnny.” Jimmy said, calmly, as he once again studied the picture. “Kindly remind Sammy what I do when someone talks badly about Frank.”   
Johnny sighed, apparently even sitting up was too much effort. Then he hit Sammy before leaning back down.   
He was trying not to show it, but right now he wanted to cry.  
Frank was really, truly coming back.   
And who knew how long it would be before Jimmy would allow Johnny this close again once he had Frank back.   
Sammy was complaining loudly, until Jimmy silenced him. “Sammy. Do you remember where Gerard lives?”   
Sammy just let out a short, insulted noise.   
“I’ll take that as a yes then. Mind sharing with the rest of us?”  
Sammy gave out the address without hesitation. 

“Alright.” Jimmy said, roughly pushing Johnny off him as he sat up. “Gather up a couple of the boys, we’ll go tonight.” 

Alice, meanwhile, was already heading out.   
“Alice.” Jimmy called. “Did you see the picture? Doesn’t he look great?”   
“He looks great Jimmy!” Alice called back.   
“And I’m gonna make sure you don’t ruin that.” She muttered as she closed the heavy doors behind her. 

##

Gerard had barely opened his eyes when he felt lips on his, and skin pressed against his own. He smiled, reached his hand up into Frank’s hair, his other arm curling around Frank’s waist, pulling him closer.   
Gerard laughed, quietly. “You been waiting for me to wake up to do that?”   
Frank nodded, with a grin.   
“What did you want to do today?” Frank asked, laying down on his stomach beside Gerard.   
Gerard thought about this.  
“We haven’t seen Mikey in a while… Did you want to see if he’s free? Maybe we could go to his for a change?”  
Frank nodded, enthusiastically. “Sounds good.” 

They took a little time getting out of bed, but when they finally did, they found it easy to get themselves going. 

“I’m gonna head in the shower first, if that’s okay?” Frank said, as this wasn’t routine.   
Gerard smiled, and kissed his forehead, pretending to wrinkle his nose. “Definitely. Your hair is icky.” He teased.   
In response, Frank tugged at a strand of Gerard’s hair. “Not as bad as yours.”   
Gerard circled his arms around Frank’s waist and pulled him back down onto the bed, twisting so Frank landed beneath him. “In that case, I guess _I_ should be the first one to use the shower, huh?” Gerard said, rubbing his nose, affectionately against Frank’s nose.   
“No!” Frank laughed, pushing Gerard off him, then bolting to the bathroom.  
Gerard reached out his hand to grab Frank, to stop him, but his fingers fell just short.   
He paused to laugh a little over their exchange, then headed to the kitchen to fix breakfast for them both, grabbing the phone on his way so he could call Mikey. 

Frank had just got out of the shower, and headed into the bedroom to pull on some clothes when there was a knock at the apartment door.   
Assuming that perhaps the brothers had decided Mikey would come here instead, Frank thought nothing of it (despite the fact it would be near impossible for Mikey to get to them so quickly).   
The second knock made him call out to Gerard, asking if he wanted Frank to get that.  
Then the third round of knocks was followed by something that made Frank drop the towel he’d been using to hurriedly dry his hair.  
“Frank?” A voice called through the door. “Frank… Are you in there?”   
His heart beating hard, fast, and feeling like it was in his throat, Frank dashed out of the bedroom, still in the clothes he’d slept in.   
He saw Gerard, standing in the living room, staring at the apartment door.  
Apparently he’d been going to answer it, but had frozen in his tracks when he’d heard the voice. Heard the name that had been called out.   
He turned to look at Frank, looking almost as shocked as Frank currently felt. He held out his hand, and Frank hurried to him, gratefully taking the hand offered.   
Frank pressed himself close to Gerard as the knocking continued.   
“Does anyone know you’re here?” Gerard asked, quietly.   
Frank shook his head.   
“You’ve not been in contact with any friends? It couldn’t be family?”   
Again Frank shook his head, fiercely.   
“Okay.” Gerard said, softly. “Okay, you’re fine, we’re fine. Alright? I got you.”   
Frank nodded.   
Then the voice called through again. “Frank. Please, open the door? Let me in, c’mon. Don’t you know it’s me?”   
Suddenly, Frank’s eyes snapped open as it all became startlingly clear, and he felt foolish for having not recognised the voice before.   
“Alice!” He cried out. “Oh, shit Gee! It- It’s Alice!”   
“Wait-” Gerard said, as Frank slipped from his grip, and dashed towards the door.  
Once again, Gerard tried to grab him, and his fingers just missed the fabric of Frank’s shirt.   
It left Gerard with an uneasy feeling he tried to ignore. 

Frank pulled back the locks on the door quickly, and pulled the door open.   
Even though he’d already known, he couldn’t believe it when he saw Alice standing there. 

For a few, long moments, they simply stood there, staring at each other.  
Then, without warning, Frank found himself pulled into a tight hug, almost as surprised to find himself hugging back, just as tight.   
“My God.” Alice breathed. “It’s really you. You’re really here.”   
Frank, unable to think of a word to say, simply nodded.   
“God I’ve missed you.” She said.  
“Missed you too.” Frank replied, quietly.   
Letting one another go, Frank led Alice into the apartment, closing the door behind her.   
Alice pushed Frank out in front of her, an arms distance away as she looked him over.  
She was beaming, smiling more than Frank ever remembered her doing so before.   
Alice shook her head, disbelievingly. “Frank, you… _Damn_ you look good!”  
Frank smiled, self consciously. “Thanks. You look-”  
“I look exactly the fucking same.” Alice interrupted, a sly little smile playing on her lips now.  
Once again she looked over Frank, shaking her head. “Fuck. Look at you!” She said, reaching out and tugging at his shirt. “You’ve actually got some meat back on those bones, and those cheeks!”   
The cheeks in question were currently a rather pink colour.   
“Alice…” He grumbled, though happily.   
She leant in close. “And you got your spark back in your eyes. Damn. Someone’s been looking after you.” Alice said as she hugged him tight once again. 

Behind them, Gerard cleared his throat, trying to be discreet, but desperately wondering what was going on.   
Immediately the two broke away from each other, and Frank turned to smile at Gerard.   
“Sorry.” He mumbled. “Alice, this-”  
“You must be Gerard.” Alice interrupted, completely missing the looks of surprise on both the boys faces.   
She came closer, looking Gerard over, just like she had Frank.   
Gerard felt immediately conscious of the fact that he, just like Frank, was currently still in the clothes he’d slept in.  
For once, he knew he was the more self conscious one, Frank looked quite comfortable in Alice’s presence. Something Gerard was a little jealous of.   
“Yeah.” Gerard said, quietly, holding out his hand to her. “I’m Gerard, I-”  
“You’re good for him.” Alice stated, smiling.   
To that, Gerard couldn’t help but smile back. “I hope so.”   
“He is.” Frank said, making both look to him again.  
Gerard smiled, grateful for Frank’s words.   
Alice stepped a little closer, then reached out her hand, not for Gerard’s, which had now dropped back to his side, instead she reached up to his face.   
“May I?” She asked.  
Unsure, but seeing no reason to object, Gerard nodded, closing his eyes as Alice placed her hand on his cheek, pushing back his hair, away from his eyes just as he opened them again.  
Alice nodded as she continued to stare. “You’re good.” She said, sounding a little amazed. “Truly good. You’re… I can’t remember the last time I saw so much kindness in a mans eyes.” She paused, frowning, thinking. “Not like Frank… His were full of innocence. It hurt so much to see it get stripped away. Then they were just like the others. Blank.”  
Gerard nodded. He remembered, from the first morning Frank had woken up here, that starkness to Frank’s eyes.  
“I wanted to keep that innocence.” Alice continued. “Hold it in him. But… You did better. You took that blankness and helped to fill it with something new.”   
She took Gerard’s hand then, and held it tight, the thanks she wanted to express was obvious from that simple gesture. 

Then Alice looked down at the hand she held, and brought it up to look at.  
Frank could see she was looking directly at the scar on Gerard’s wrist. And as Alice went to touch it, Gerard flinched and snatched his hand away.  
Frank frowned, he thought that Gerard didn’t mind his scar being touched.  
Then he realised. Gerard didn’t mind when _Frank_ touched his scar.  
Anyone else, it still upset him. 

“I’m sorry.” Alice said. “I know Sammy, and all I can say is I hope he was not as a bad as he is now. But… This kinda proves he was. I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve him.” 

Gerard said nothing at first, holding out his hand to Frank, who quickly came over, taking Gerard’s hand, allowing Gerard to wrap his arms around his shoulders, draw him close.   
“Don’t be offended, Gee.” Frank said, quietly. “Alice didn’t mean anything bad.”   
Gerard shook his head, his eyes closing.  
“I’d prefer if we didn’t talk about the past.” Gerard said, to Alice. “Especially not that part.”   
“I’m sorry if I upset you.” Alice said. “But I’m afraid, that past has a lot to do with the present.”  
Gerard frowned, not understanding.  
But Frank was slowly piecing it all together.   
“Alice.” He said, carefully. “You said… You said you know Sammy?”  
Alice looked at Frank, regretfully, now realising how much of a bombshell she was about to drop on the couple.  
It was enough to make her heart ache.   
“Frank… You know Sammy too.” She said.   
Frank just stared, disbelieving.  
Or, in truth, refusing to believe.   
Alice winced as she continued, “Fangs ring any bells? Perhaps bats tattooed on his neck? Another tattoo on his arm that said ‘brat prince’?”   
Frank inhaled sharply, and leant, heavily back against Gerard, whose arms drew tighter around him.  
Frank felt his head spinning.   
“One of Jimmy’s gang.” Gerard stated, simply. “Should’ve known he’d wind up with someone like Jimmy.”   
Alice nodded. “Jimmy’s good at catering to peoples various needs. And he’s got a reputation for providing for those with… Unusual needs.”   
Her eyes flicked, involuntarily to Frank then.  
And, finally, Gerard fully got what Alice was saying, and why Frank looked so suddenly pale and sick.  
“You’re… You’re saying Jimmy… Used Frank, to fulfil Sammy’s needs?”   
Gerard felt sick, the idea that-  
“It wouldn’t have been personal, Gerard.” Alice said, gently. “Jimmy’s given Sammy a lot of boys over time. But Frank… He was a favourite, for a lot of people.”  
“Stop it, Alice.” Frank hissed, his eyes shut tight.   
He heard a soft hushing in his ear, and knew Gerard was trying to comfort him.   
Gerard buried his face against Frank’s neck, partly to get closer to him, partly because… Because this hurt so much.   
He raised his head then, and kissed Frank’s cheek.  
“Shit, Frank, he… I can’t believe he… Did he hurt you?” The last part was barely a whisper, barely dared to be uttered.   
Frank thought, though he didn’t want to think. He didn’t want to remember.   
But then, all at once, he did.  
He shook his head. “He didn’t hurt me. Not like some did. He only…” His hand went up, to his shoulder.   
Gerard pulled back the neck of Frank’s shirt, so he could see the scars.  
Could see what Sammy had done to him.  
He closed his eyes, tight, trying not to imagine it.  
Then, just as much for himself as it was for Frank, Gerard bent down, placing fierce kisses over the scars.  
Frank’s eyes closed too, and he held back tears.  
For a second, he’d been scared. Scared this would be one thing too much for Gerard.  
Once again, he felt foolish for doubting him. 

Alice watched them both, proud and moved by the affection and the protectiveness they had for each other.  
She hated interrupting them, but she had more to say.   
“I’m afraid… That wasn’t what I came here to tell you.”   
The two looked up, attention back on her now.   
“You went out last night, right, both of you?” Alice asked.   
They nodded.  
“You were seen.” She said, simply, not pausing to take in the shocked reactions. “And it wasn’t the first time you’ve been seen, though it was the first time someone decided to take pictures. Gerard, Sammy recognised you, and he couldn’t hand over your name and address quick enough.”  
Gerard had gone still and quiet with shock, but Frank asked, quite calmly, “How many times have we been seen?”   
“Twice before, I think. Once at the clinic, and another time… Just out. Frank, Jimmy has been looking for you ever since you disappeared, he’s… He got really bad at one point, and he near enough killed the rest of the boys, when they weren’t working, they were out looking for you. You should’ve seen him when he heard you’d been seen, and so close, he was like a dog who got their first whiff of blood. Frank, I _told_ you this would happen. I told you he wouldn’t just let you go.”  
“I know! I know!” Frank exclaimed, terrified, knowing exactly what this all meant.  
Jimmy was coming here, was probably already on his way here, to get him. To take him back.  
It was what he’d feared.  
And, just like that, he felt himself collapse.  
He was shaking as he turned around in Gerard’s arms, pressing himself closer into the other man, holding on tightly. “Please, please Gee, don’t let him find me, don’t let him take me. He’ll take me away from you! I can’t- I can’t-”  
“Shh.” Gerard soothed, holding him gently, but firmly. “I’m not gonna let him.”   
Then he looked up at Alice again. “What do you suggest we do?”  
“Run.” Alice replied, simply. “It’s the only thing you can do.”   
Gerard nodded. “We’ll stick to our original idea for the day then… Go to Mikey’s, stay there though. He won’t mind.”  
Frank was nodding, but he said nothing, fear had stolen his voice.  
“Who’s Mikey?” Alice asked.  
“My brother.”  
“Does Sammy know where _he_ lives?”   
Gerard shook his head. “No, he knows Mikey, but he doesn’t know where he lives.”   
Alice nodded. “That’s a good start then. But don’t stay there long, Jimmy will be able to figure that one out too easy.”   
“We’ll figure out were to go next once we get there.”   
Alice smiled, “Good.”   
Then, the smile dropping, she warned, “Make sure your brother goes with you when you move on. Jimmy will do anything to get what he wants. Especially when he’s close to his goal.”   
Her eyes flickered to Frank, and Gerard drew his arms tighter around him, protectively.   
He shuddered to think what Jimmy might do in order to get to Frank.

When Frank finally calmed down enough, knowing they at least had a plan, he turned, looked at Alice again. “Come with us.”  
Alice shook her head, smiling.   
“But Alice, he’ll-”  
“I can take whatever Jimmy throws at me. And he won’t throw too hard at me.”   
“But-”  
“Frank.” Alice interrupted, once again, still smiling gently. “I’ll be okay. You just concentrate on getting yourself and Gerard out of here.”   
It was obvious Frank didn’t want to back down, but he also didn’t know now what to say.  
Gerard stepped in. “Alice, we’ve only just met, but if Frank is so worried about you, you must be important to him. There’s enough room for you to come too.”   
Alice smiled, brightly at him, but shook her head. “You’re so sweet, and so good. I wish I could spend more time with you. But, I can’t leave Jimmy. For a lot of reasons, but mostly because he’d been even worse if he has no one to calm him down every now and then.”   
Frank grimaced. “You really think he could get worse?”   
Alice looked at him, a little sadly. “C’mon Frank. You already learnt this one. He can always get worse.” 

Finally, the boys gave in, realising there was nothing they could say to make her come with them.   
“Just look after yourself, please?” Frank begged as they went to the door together.   
“It’s what I’m good at.” Alice replied, brightly.   
At the door, there was a silence, heavy with all the things that had been said, and had not been said.   
“Will I… Will I see you again?” Frank asked, nervous for the answer.  
“I hope so.” Alice said, gently. Then she turned her attention once more to Gerard, “Take care of him.”   
“I plan to.” Gerard replied. To that Alice smiled, then nodded.

“You never said goodbye to me before.” Alice said to Frank.   
“I didn’t know I was leaving.” Frank argued.   
“Well, you know you are this time.”   
To that, Frank nodded, and pulled her into a hug, “Goodbye Alice, stay safe.”  
“You too Frank, goodbye.”

She left hurriedly, and in a way, Frank was grateful.   
Gerard could see how troubled he was, how worried, how many worries were impacting on him.   
Frank was grateful for the arms suddenly around him.   
“She seems like she knows how to take care of herself, she’ll be fine.” Gerard said, gently.   
Frank nodded.  
“And _we’re_ gonna be fine.”   
Frank made no reply to that.  
“Come on.” Gerard pushed, just slightly, “We’d better get our stuff together.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With his past closing in, Frank is running again, only this time he's not the only one. How far can they truly go, and will they ever be free?  
> Meanwhile, we find out how Saint Jimmy reacts to betrayal, and we discover the truth about someone close to him.

Gerard was calm, gathering stuff in the bedroom onto the bed for Frank to pack into the two bags he’d found.   
Frank, however, was not calm.  
His hands were shaking, and his eyes were stinging from trying not to cry, a battle which he was desperately loosing. His head hurt.   
He kept muttering, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Over and over again.   
Eventually, he broke down completely. Hands over his face, he cried heavily.   
He felt the bed shift as Gerard sat beside him, and pulled him close.   
“I’m sorry.” He said, again, louder. “This isn’t fair. You shouldn’t have to leave. It’s me they want. I- I could just leave, and you wouldn’t have to, you could stay here, and you’d be safe and-”  
“Frank.” Gerard said, gently. “Stop.”   
He pulled slightly away, and pulled Frank’s hands from his face, his own hands brushing back Frank’s hair, tipping his head up to make him look at him.   
“Listen to me, I’m not leaving you, or letting you go out there alone, understand? I… I couldn’t…” Now the cracks in his calm were obvious. He was just barely holding himself together, though he hid it better than Frank did.   
“Don’t you dare leave me.” Gerard said.  
Frank pulled Gerard closer again, and shook his head, fiercely.   
“Okay. Come on.” Gerard said, pushing Frank gently away, swiping at the tears in his eyes that even he hadn’t realised were there. He pointed at the bags. “We’ve got to get out of here. Quick. You finish up with this, and I’ll call Mikey.”  
“Are you sure he won’t-”  
But Gerard was already up and out of the room, snatching up the phone. 

Another five minutes, and they were heading out of the door.   
Gerard grabbed down his jacket, and the hoodie Frank now always wore when they went out. 

Frank hesitated, and looked back into the apartment.   
A wave of emotions hit him.   
It was here he’d woken up after he thought he’d died on the street.  
Here he’d gone through the hell of getting clean.  
Here he’d screamed and yelled and cried in his sleep. Here he’d smashed a mirror when it revealed too much truth.  
Here he’d remembered how much he loved movies, and books.   
Here he’d sat with Gerard, enjoying both of those things.   
Here he’d allowed himself to open up to another person again.  
Here, he’d allowed himself to love, and be loved.  
Here he’d, truly, remembering Gerard’s words to him, lost his virginity, to the man he loved.  
Funny. He remembered so much more, cared so much more, and held so much more value to this place, where he’d spent the last six months, than he did the place he’d lived for twenty years.   
Was he ever going to see this apartment again? 

Gerard grabbed his hand, and pulled him out of his thoughts.   
“We’ll be back here eventually Frank, I promise.” Gerard said, softly, as if he knew exactly what Frank was thinking.   
Perhaps he did, perhaps similar, and more thoughts had run through Gerard’s head.   
Finally, Frank nodded, and allowed Gerard to lead him out, shutting and locking the door behind him, before they began hurrying down the corridor, then down the stairs and out of the building. 

##

Mikey hadn’t quite understood what Gerard had told him on the phone.  
He’d got the most important part though.   
Him and Frank were coming over, quicker than they’d thought, and would it be alright if they stayed the night?  
“Uh, sure Gee. But… You know I only have the one bed and-”  
“I know, I know. We’ll sleep on the couch.”  
“Gee, it’s not-”  
“Mikey, please, I’ll explain when we get there, right now I just need to know if it’s okay.”   
There was an edge to Gerard’s voice, one that Mikey didn’t hear often.  
Not these days anyway.   
As much as Mikey wanted to question his brother, he realised he wasn’t going to get any answers, not right now. So he said the only thing he could, and would ever say when Gerard sounded like that.   
“Of course Gee, that’s fine.”   
“Thank you.” That response was said fast, fleeting.   
Then Gerard paused, for so long Mikey wasn’t sure if he was even still on the line.   
“I love you, Mikey.”   
The voice was softer now, but heavier in meaning.   
And now Mikey knew what the edge in Gerard’s voice was.   
He was scared.   
Mikey managed to hold his voice steady as he replied, “Love you too, Gee. I’ll see you and Frank soon.”   
As soon as he hung up, Mikey’s calm evaporated.  
He fell forward, catching himself against the kitchen side, clinging on tightly.   
Gerard was scared.   
And he and Frank were coming here to stay the night (or longer than a night? Mikey hadn’t asked, it hadn’t really mattered to him).  
And Gerard was scared.  
They were running from something.   
Someone.

Things that Gerard had told him, that Frank had told him about Frank’s past suddenly came to the forefront of Mikey’s mind.   
One name stood out.   
Saint Jimmy. 

They were running from Saint Jimmy.   
And now Mikey was scared. 

Not knowing how long it would take for them to get there (at least half an hour walk, quicker if they caught a taxi), but knowing he had to be ready for them when they arrived, Mikey forced himself to move.   
He got himself a glass of water, drinking slowly, using the simple action to calm himself down, just as it slightly soothed the headache he was getting. 

He set the glass down, then methodically went around the small living room, arranging it to be less cluttered, more available for two more people on a possibly long term basis.

Mikey had heard the cracks in Gerard’s voice, not just in their parting words, and had felt the strain. It was clear that Gerard had allowed himself a little weakness while on the phone to him. A little tearing at the seams of his perfectly stitched control.   
He was obviously keeping calm for Frank, being strong for him, holding him up.   
But Gerard was just as scared as Frank this time, and he’d allowed himself to stop pretending he wasn’t, just for a minute.   
Mikey knew Frank hadn’t been in the room. Gerard never would’ve let him hear. 

Mikey also knew he was going to have to be the calm one, the strong one, holding Gerard up while he was trying so hard not to let Frank see how scared he was. 

Mikey was going to have to be strongest of all.  
He thought of Frank and Gerard, at Gerard’s apartment, how easy and happy they were together, even when Frank had still been so unsure.

He was willing to protect that. 

##

They were quicker than Mikey was expecting, but he was relieved when he heard the knocking at the door. 

He staggered when, as soon as he’d opened the door, he had Frank launching at him, arms tight around his shoulders, hugging him close.   
Mikey stood, shocked for a few moments, he wasn’t used to this kind of thing from Frank. Then, recovering, he put his arms around him, slightly more gently than what he was receiving.   
“Hey Frank.” Mikey said, gently. “It’s good to see you again.”   
Frank nodded. “You too.”  
“We’re only sorry it’s under kinda… Bad circumstances.” Gerard said, making Mikey look up.  
The brothers exchanged smiles. Communicating so much, in a way only they could.   
“Frankie.” Gerard said, gently, placing a hand on Frank’s shoulder.   
Frank nodded, then let Mikey go. “Sorry.” He offered, quietly.   
Mikey shook his head. “I don’t mind.” He assured. Then, stepping back to allow Frank past, he said, “Go on in, make yourself comfortable.”  
Then Mikey turned his attention to Gerard. He smiled, more than pleased to see Mikey, but Mikey saw the look in his eyes, more obvious than the sound in his voice on the phone.   
Without prompt, not needing it, Mikey drew Gerard into a hug, receiving one much, much gentler than Frank’s, but no less meaningful. No less needing of the support.   
“Thank you.” Gerard said, softly. 

They sat in Mikey’s living room. Frank and Gerard on the couch, with Frank sitting so close he might as well have been sitting on Gerard, so desperate to be close, his hands were painfully tight on Gerard’s, turning his own knuckles white, and making Gerard’s hand ache, but Gerard wouldn’t tell him to loosen his grip. He only placed his other hand over Frank’s, gently, his fingers stroking over the back of Frank’s wrist, comfortingly.   
Mikey came in with coffee for them all, and sat in the armchair, settling down with his on mug cradled carefully in both hands.   
“So… What‘s going on?” Mikey asked, gently. He wasn’t being nasty, or nosey about it. Just giving them an opportunity to talk.   
Gerard closed his eyes, sighed deeply. Then he looked at Frank, bringing up his free hand to brush back an imaginary strand of hair on Frank’s face, really just an excuse to get Frank to look at him.   
Asking if Frank wanted to talk about it. Asking if he wanted Gerard to do the talking.   
Frank looked up then, at Mikey. “Saint Jimmy’s found me.” He said, his voice clearer than any of them had expected. “He’s found me… And he wants me back. He-.” Without warning, a sob rose up, choking him, stopping his words. His head bowed, half way between coughing and crying.  
Gerard finally got his hand free and wrapped his arm around Frank, pulling him close, so Frank could lean against him, face against Gerard’s chest, as his hands now gripped at Gerard’s shirt. He wasn’t crying, but it was taking everything in him not to.   
He was so scared. Even now, in the safety of Mikey’s apartment, he was so scared. 

Mikey watched, sympathetically, but not knowing what to do or say. He leant forward, his eyes drifting to Gerard, waiting to see what he would do.   
Eventually Gerard looked up, seeing Mikey.   
He rubbed Frank’s back as he took up the explanation. “Frank’s friend from… That place came by this morning. She’d just discovered where Frank was, the same way Jimmy did. She came to warn us. To tell us… Jimmy was coming. To tell us to run.”   
Mikey nodded. “How did she discover where Frank was?” He asked.  
Gerard sighed, looking away, not wanting to see Mikey’s reaction to this one. “Sammy is one of Jimmy’s gang now, Mikey. Someone got a picture of me and Frank. And Sammy recognised me. Apparently he gave me up to Jimmy in a heartbeat.” 

Gerard looked back up, to gauge Mikey’s reaction to this news.   
Mikey was just staring at him, his expression unreadable.   
Then he set his mug down on the table, and got up from his chair.  
Gerard closed his eyes, so he didn’t see what it was that Mikey hit, but it made a nasty noise, so Gerard guessed it was something hard. There was a pause. Then he heard another bang, possibly from a kick this time, but again, Gerard didn’t look to check.   
Another pause, then there was more thudding. More kicking, more punching, not stopping.   
Gerard squeezed Frank once, tightly, an apology as he let Frank go and got up off the couch, to go to his brother, who was still venting his anger on the old, heavy cupboard that stood against the wall, beside the television set.   
Gerard grabbed Mikey’s arms, pulling him away.   
Immediately Mikey sank back against him, allowed Gerard to wrap his arms around him, effectively binding Mikey’s arms. Mikey’s hands stayed as fists though, he could feel them stinging now.   
“I’ll kill him.” Mikey hissed.  
“Mikes…” Gerard said, gently.  
“I’ll fucking kill him Gerard! That fucking freak nearly ruined your life once, I won’t let him do it again! I won’t let him hurt you, or Frank! I’ll get in his way before he has a fucking chance!”   
“Mikes, please.” Gerard pleaded, softly.   
It was then that Mikey remembered his role in all this. Be the rock. Be the one for the others to lean on.   
But getting in dangers way? That was just as much the rock’s role as being steady was.   
Still, Mikey made himself calm. This was the last thing Gerard needed right now. He nodded, and Gerard let him go. 

They looked back over to Frank then, finding that, without Gerard, he’d curled in on himself. Knees drawn up, face buried against them.   
Mikey went over before Gerard had the chance to move.  
He sat, carefully beside Frank, and placed a hand over his. “I’m sorry.” Mikey said, gently. “I should’ve controlled myself better. It’s just… Sammy…”  
Frank nodded. Then he raised his head, revealing tears. “It’s my fault you have to even hear his name again.”   
Mikey’s eyes went wide, that hadn’t been at all what he’d been thinking.   
“No. No, Frank. You can’t think like that. This isn’t-”  
“I know you hate him, and I know why. I hate him too, not because he gave me away, not because of what he did to me. But because he gave Gerard away, handed him over. He said he loved him, didn’t he? How could he give up Gerard so easily? Knowing what Jimmy would do! We know what Jimmy will do to Gerard! It’s the same way he treats anyone who crosses him. Sammy knew that! And yet he still gave him up! I _hate_ him for that. And I hate him because he hurt Gerard so badly. He hurt him, and now- now I’ve given Gerard back to him. I’ve brought Sammy back into your lives and- and-”  
Suddenly, Frank was jolted up, as Gerard sat beside him, then pulled him up onto his lap, wrapping his arms around him tight, protectively. “Enough, enough.” Gerard soothed, kissing Frank’s cheek once, carefully.   
Frank shook his head. “You shouldn’t have to deal with him again. It’s my fault, Gee. It’s my fault. If you’d never met me-”  
“Don’t you dare.” Gerard interrupted, sternly. “Don’t you dare wish we hadn’t met.”  
“You’d be safe.” Frank replied.  
“Maybe.” Gerard allowed. “But not as happy.”   
Frank looked down, at Gerard’s hands. Turned one of them over, looking down at the scar.  
Gerard was looking too. “I survived him once.” Gerard said, softly. “I can do it again.” 

When he looked at Mikey again though, it was clear that Gerard wasn’t as sure about that as he’d made out.   
Mikey reached out his hand, offering it to Gerard, who took it, and squeezed tight, once. Before allowing the hold to become slightly more relaxed. 

Mikey was sorry for the outburst. But his words still stood.   
He would kill Sammy if he came near either one of them.   
And he’d do the same to Saint Jimmy. 

##

Alice caught herself as she fell to the floor, again.   
She was bleeding slightly now, she could taste it, but still she pushed herself up, back to her feet, and, once again, she faced her attacker.

Saint Jimmy looked coldly at her.   
“You betrayed me.”   
Alice nodded, simply, once. “You knew I would, you knew I’d protect him.”   
“From me?!” Jimmy raged, his temper flaring, his arm raising again.  
This time Alice dodged him.   
“Yes! Of course from you!” She snapped. “Anyone who fucking cared about him would keep him as far away from you as possible!”   
Jimmy paused then, stopping his advance on Alice again.  
“Why would anyone do that? I care so much about Frank, why would they keep him away?”

Alice laughed at that, humourlessly. “Care? You _care_ about him? Let’s not fucking fool ourselves here Jimmy, you’ve never cared about anyone but yourself.” 

Jimmy ran at her then, grabbed her, slammed her against the wall, grabbing her hair painfully tight.  
Again, that laugh. “Don’t be ridiculous Jimmy. You can’t scare me like this. I’m not one of your boys.” Alice told him, calmly.  
“Shut up!” Jimmy snapped.   
Then, taking a pause to compose himself, Jimmy continued. “So… You think I don’t care about my Frank, hmm?”  
“Don’t call him that, Jimmy. He doesn’t belong to you.”   
“And who does he belong to, huh?!” Jimmy yelled in her ear. “You think he belongs to… To Sammy’s angel Gerard, do you? Well, I tell you what I think of _him_. I’ll tell you what I’m going to do when I find _him_!”  
“Gerard is not Sammy’s either! Fucking hell Jimmy you don’t get to fucking own people! It doesn’t work like that!”   
“Yes it does!” Jimmy was near screaming now. “Frank is mine! And thanks to you I’m one step further from getting him back, you _bitch_!” 

Jimmy threw her to the ground then, and wasted no more breath in talking.

It quickly got to the point where his hands and arms ached. Jimmy wasn’t used to this, hadn’t resorted to this kind of violence for a long time, hadn’t needed to.   
He hadn’t felt this betrayed for years. 

Eventually, gathering all her strength to do it, Alice kicked him, got away.  
She crawled up to the wall, pulled herself up, sat with her back against the wall, staring at Jimmy, who’d slumped to the floor, not looking like he was willing to even raise his head. 

Blood streamed from her nose, and trickled from her hairline.  
Her whole body ached.  
And she spat blood. 

Jimmy looked up then, his eyes looked evil. 

Alice wiped at her nose, and looked at the glut of blood on her hand.   
She laughed, once, then focused her eyes square on Jimmy.   
“Aww, Jimmy. Daddy would be so proud of you.”   
If possible, Jimmy looked even more furious. “Don’t!” He snapped.   
“You are just like him after all.” Alice continued, flatly. “And there you were… All those years ago. Promising me you’d protect me from him. I should’ve known you were more like him than you let on.”  
“Shut up!” Jimmy screamed at her. “Shut up shut up shut up! I am not like him. I am nothing like him!”  
Alice shrugged. “Then why does this all feel so familiar?” She asked.   
Jimmy said nothing.   
“Your mother got a lucky break… Him leaving her. Pity my mom didn’t get the same break. Though, I guess it was her own fault, having a little girl and all.”  
Jimmy got to his feet, and started to walk over.   
“You know how much I wished I was a boy, back then? Because I knew he wouldn’t hit a boy, he’d be proud of a boy, he’d want a boy. I knew that.”  
Jimmy crouched down in front of Alice, pulled out a scarf from his back pocket, wiped off the blood from her hand.  
Then from under her nose.  
“Then why did he leave me behind?” Jimmy asked, softly.   
Alice shook her head, partly trying to get away from Jimmy, partly in answer to his question.   
She didn’t know.   
“You know how pleased I was, Jimmy? When I found out who you were? You know how long I wished for a big brother?”   
Jimmy nodded. “I remember. You were sixteen, I was eighteen. I’d been looking for my father. I found you instead.”  
“I told you you didn’t want to know him.”  
“I asked you why.”  
“I told you.”  
“And then I carried on tracking him down… And made him regret hurting my little sister.”   
Jimmy closed his eyes, unable to look at Alice now. 

He stood up, turned away from her.   
“I promised you I’d never let anyone hurt you again.” Jimmy said.   
“Perhaps now you understand… How important Frank is. So important I’d hurt you myself to get him back.”   
“Stop!” Alice snapped. “Stop it. Leave him alone, Jimmy! He’s run away from you, can’t you see that? He doesn’t want you! So stop chasing him. What’s the point if he doesn’t even want you?” 

Jimmy shook his head. “You’re wrong.” He said, flatly.   
He turned to look at her, visibly wincing when he saw what he’d done. 

Then he headed for the door, and left, finally.

The smell of blood clung in the air.

##

Mikey made it his task to get Frank and Gerard’s minds off what was going on.   
Not that that was completely possible, but he was trying his best, at least.

Eventually the initial tension released, and Frank allowed himself to be released from Gerard’s arms.  
Not that Gerard was exactly willing to let him go. 

When Mikey announced he was gonna look to see what he had to offer for lunch, Gerard offered to come with him.   
Mikey refused him, telling him he had coffee he hadn’t drunk, which Mikey pretended to be annoyed about.  
Instead he asked Frank if he wanted to come to the kitchen, find something for himself. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you like as well as I know Gerard.”  
Frank nodded, and followed.

Mikey’s kitchen was much smaller than Gerard’s, and flowed seamlessly from the living room. No door, no partition.   
Frank was obviously distracted, but still, Mikey took the opportunity to talk to him.   
“I don’t blame you, you know?”   
Frank said nothing.   
“Just in case you thought… I did. I don’t blame you for what’s happened. Just like I wouldn’t wish you out of my brothers life.”  
Frank closed his eyes, leaning, heavily against the counter.   
Mikey placed a hand on his shoulder. “I will protect you, along with Gerard. You don’t have to doubt that.”  
Frank nodded. Then opened his eyes, and gave Mikey a smile. “Thanks, Mikey. I appreciate that. I’d… Understand if you did blame me though.”  
Mikey shook his head, dismissively, turning his focus back to food. “No. I blame Sammy. Half of the bad things in my brothers life is because of that bastard. And now I find out he was a contributor to your pain? No. Second I lay my eyes on him again… He’ll regret it.”  
As much as those words comforted Frank, reassured him in a strange way, they also scared him.   
Because he believed Mikey’s words, both from now, and earlier.   
If Mikey had half a chance… 

##

The day passed slowly, but not badly. The three of them very aware of each other, and what they said. Not willing to be the one to start a conversation the others might not want to be part of. 

It was just starting to get dark, and Mikey had just come in with another round of coffee for everyone. (He’d ignored the fact Frank hadn’t touched his first).   
There was silence, again, as they all sat, hands around mugs, clutching them as if their hands were cold. 

“Can I ask…” Mikey eventually said, breaking his own rule of staying off the subject, “Can I just ask… What we‘re dealing with here exactly? I know enough about Jimmy to get the general picture, but… What will he be planning?”   
Gerard shot a warning glance at Mikey, but Mikey ignored it, more interested in the look on Frank’s face.   
He’d looked shocked for a second. But now his face was blank.   
Mikey was more than a little surprised when Frank finally answered.  
“For me… It’s simple. He’ll take me back, possibly to The Phoenix, more likely to his apartment.” Frank closed his eyes, then continued as he opened then again. “The drugs will be first. He’ll want them back inside me. I don’t know what he’ll use. Either shove pills down my throat, or stick a needle in me. I’ve seen him do both to boys he’d been losing control of.”   
Frank shook then, the memories fresh once again. Watching a boy choke, coughing up blood because Jimmy had pushed too many pills down him at once, they’d caught in his throat, tearing him up.   
He seen Johnny hold a boy down as Jimmy jabbed a needle in the boys arm. All the while the boy kicked and screamed, begging Jimmy, saying he wanted to be clean.  
That boy had died the week after. Overdosed. Frank remembered the boy telling him he was getting off the drugs because he didn’t like the effects they were having anymore. When Jimmy found out, he’d put him right back on them.   
Effectively, Jimmy had killed him.   
Frank had been so far gone at that point, it hadn’t even shocked him.   
Would Jimmy kill him too? What would drugs do to him now, after being so completely clean for so long?   
Would he be found, naked in a rich mans bed, like the other boy had?   
Or, would death be poetically cruel, and find him in the same alley way Gerard had rescued him from?   
“After the drugs… He’ll want me back in service. But, I know I won’t be like the other boys who ran away.” Frank didn’t bother correcting himself. He may not have ran away from Jimmy, but he’d kept himself hidden from him. That counted.  
And he’d run now, hadn’t he?   
“Jimmy always sent the others to the red room. Me… He’ll want to keep me. Get the drugs inside me. Then get himself inside me. Simple.”   
Frank’s voice had gone cold, distant. There was a vacant quality to his eyes. He was looking at Mikey, but not looking at him at all.   
Gerard placed a hand over Frank’s. He didn’t dare say anything though. Not knowing what might make it better, what might make it worse.  
Frank’s breathing started becoming irregular, louder, more noticeable. He was shaking.  
Gerard was back on ground he knew now, and he took Frank’s other hand, turned him around, made him face him. Hands on Frank’s face now, pushing his hair back.  
“Frankie. Stay calm. Stay with me. You’re with me, okay?”   
Frank swallowed, hard, blinking, trying to focus. Then he leant close, and whispered, hurriedly, “Do you think Mikey would mind if I used his shower?”  
Gerard closed his eyes. “Frank, Frankie. You don’t need to, okay? You’re clean, alright? You know that. You don’t need it.”   
Frank leant against Gerard, burying his face against Gerard’s shoulder. “Please, please, Gerard. I do, I do need it.”  
This couldn’t be happening. They couldn’t be going backwards, not again. Frank was better, so much better, so much happier, calmer, more confident. How could all that be taken away so quickly? Why were they were back here again?   
“Frankie.” He pleaded. “No one’s touched you, and no one’s gonna touch you. I won’t let them, okay?”   
Frank was lost now though, and there was no answer for Gerard.  
He eventually looked up, and saw Mikey standing over them both, holding out his hand to Frank.  
“I’ll show you were the shower is, it’s no problem.” Mikey offered, gently. Careful to make it sound like this was no big deal.   
Gerard looked at him, and shook his head. Mikey gave him a look that told him, clearly, to back down.   
So Gerard surrendered his hold on Frank, letting Mikey take Frank’s hand, guiding him up, then guiding him in the direction of the bathroom. 

Mikey’s bathroom was larger than Frank had been expecting. On one side was a large mirror, with the sink and counter beneath it, taking up that whole wall. The other side was dominated by a large, long shower unit.   
Mikey pointed out where the towels were, and the best place for Frank to leave his clothes so they wouldn’t get caught by the spray of the shower.  
“It’s a pretty powerful one.” Mikey explained, as he pulled back the curtain, showing Frank the basics of how the temperature worked. “But, you should be used to that, it’s the same basic design Gerard has at his place.”  
Mikey winced, realising that possibly bringing up Gerard’s apartment wasn’t the smartest thing right now.  
But Frank didn’t react to it. Something that Mikey couldn’t quite figure out if it were bad or good.   
Just as he went to leave, Frank finally spoke. “Gerard’s disappointed in me.” He said, his voice hollow.   
Mikey closed his eyes. Glad he was the one to hear that, not Gerard. He turned to Frank, and laid his hands on Frank’s shoulders. “No. No he is not disappointed.” Mikey urged.   
Frank nodded. “He is. He thinks… He thinks I’m going backwards. He thinks… All that hard work he put in, for me, was for nothing. That I’ve just.. Let it go to waste.”   
“Frank…”  
“I haven’t though. I haven’t. I promise. I just…” He glanced at the shower, sighed. “I just need this.”  
Mikey nodded. It was why he’d prised him away from Gerard in the first place.   
“I understand.” Mikey said. “But you have to understand too. Gerard is not disappointed in you. He just wants to protect you. He just doesn’t always figure out there are some things he doesn’t need to protect you from.” 

After Frank assured him he did understand, Mikey left. 

It felt strange to Frank, undressing somewhere other than Gerard’s home. He glanced at the door, checked it was locked. The reassured himself that Gerard was the other side of that door, and allowed himself to relax.

The water was just as good and hot as the shower at Gerard’s, just like Mikey had promised.  
Frank kept the temperature at a comfortable level as he stood under the stream, tipping his head back, letting it rush over him.  
He needed this.

He couldn’t explain it to Gerard, because it would upset him too much, and because it was too hard for Frank to say out loud.  
Because he hadn’t felt clean. He’d felt as bad and dirty as he had in the worst days of his recovery. He’d felt Jimmy… All over him. He could almost smell him. A mix of smoke, sweat, sweet alcohol and… Something specific to Jimmy that Frank had never been able to identify.   
He hadn’t said the words that’d triggered that feeling explicitly, though he had hinted at them well enough.   
Because, yes, Jimmy would keep him to himself, get inside him.   
But Frank hadn’t said the thing was currently ringing through Frank’s head.  
Saint Jimmy would get inside him. Would strip him, while still high, and break him back in. Frank knew that’s what Jimmy would call it. ‘Breaking him in’.  
Frank would call it rape.  
For the first time, he would think of it the way it was. Frank had never thought of what Jimmy did to him as rape before, but he would from that point. Because now it was so clear to him.   
All the times Jimmy sends him out again, that would be rape too. Not ‘work’, like he’d become so numb as to think of it. Not ‘business’. Cold, harsh, rape.  
And the worst? Worse even than that would be the knowledge that he wasn’t the only one being hurt.   
He loved Gerard, and knew that Gerard loved him. Frank knew he’d hate himself all the more every time Jimmy raped him, because he’d be cheating on Gerard. The fact he didn’t want it made it all the harder to bare.  
He hoped Gerard would forget him, move on. But Gerard wasn’t the forgetting type, was he? 

Frank didn’t know at what point he’d sunk to his knees, or when he’d turned the hot water up so high.

He let it run though. Run until, eventually his skin felt raw, and thoughts of Jimmy had, mostly, washed down the drain. 

##

“Why did you do that?” Gerard asked, as Mikey came back, and sat down again.   
“Because he wanted it. Not just wanted it, Gerard. Needed it.” Mikey explained, simply.   
Gerard looked, nervously towards the bathroom door. Mikey lent forward, taking Gerard’s hands, holding them in his own, forcing Gerard’s attention back to him. “This isn’t a relapse, Gee.” Mikey said, gently. “He hasn’t broken. He just needed a different form of comfort.”  
Gerard closed his eyes. “You don’t- You’ve never heard…”  
“I don’t need to. I know how badly you want him to be okay. I’m just trying to tell you… He is.” 

When Frank came back into the room, hair still slightly damp, he smiled, weakly at Gerard.   
Then went straight over to him, huddling up close.   
It felt good, for both of them, the feel of the other in their arms.   
“Sorry I worried you.” Frank said.   
Gerard shook his head, telling him not to worry. “Feel better now?” He asked instead.   
Frank nodded.   
Then looked over at Mikey, and smiled, appreciatively at the younger Way brother. 

Between them, they could almost believe they really were going to be okay.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An emotionally charged chapter, focusing on Frank, Gerard and Mikey. Seeing how their worries and fears for each other manifest in different ways. The constant threat of being found hanging over them.
> 
> Let's just hope they're quick enough to stay one step ahead of Saint Jimmy.

They’d barely slept, unable to, both too shaken by the events of the day, too unsettled.  
Instead they stayed, laying together on Mikey’s couch, mostly in silence.

The sun was just starting to get through when Gerard spoke, for the first time in what seemed like hours.   
“Frank.”  
Frank raised his head from Gerard’s chest, looking at him, waiting for him to continue.   
Gerard wasn’t looking at him, staring straight up at the ceiling, frowning softly.   
He lowered his gaze to Frank’s to speak to him. “Why did you run away from home?”  
Frank looked away then, trying to sink back against the couch cushions.  
“W- What made you ask that, Gee?”   
Gerard shrugged. “I was just laying here… Thinking. Thinking over how all this happened. It all started with you running from home. I was just wondering what made you do it.”   
Frank closed his eyes, tight. “I don’t… It’s not easy to explain, Gee.” Frank protested.   
Gerard turned his head, to find Frank once again.  
“Try me.” He said.   
Frank shook his head. “You’ll think…”  
Gerard reached out his hand, gently stroking over Frank’s cheek. “I promise I won’t.” He assured.   
Frank bit his lip, chewing gently on it while he thought over what he was going to say.  
Gerard watched him, steadily, waiting.   
“I… I had to get away.” Frank said, finally, quietly.   
Gerard nodded, urging him on. “I can understand that. What from?”   
Frank closed his eyes, taking his time.   
He was thinking about home. _Really_ thinking about home for the first time in months.   
He’d briefly thought about his parents a few times. Wondering if they missed him, if they’d looked for him. If they’d given up yet.   
But… He hadn’t thought about _home_ for a long time.   
He hadn’t thought about the house he’d lived his life in, up until those few, short months ago.   
Hadn’t thought about his room. A decent sized space, enough to be filled with many years worth of stuff. A few things he loved, that really meant something.   
The rest was just stuff. Just things he’d accumulated over the years.   
He still had affection for that stuff, but it had been easy to leave behind.   
Hadn’t thought about his street. The neighbours who always talked to him, but he’d never had time to stop and talk to. He was always late, wherever he was going, he was always late.   
Always running.   
Hadn’t thought about his friends…  
It was a loose word, ‘friends’. Frank had had the same group of people he’d hung around since pretty much the beginning of school. He’d spent a lot of time with them. They’d all been to each others houses countless times, all attended each others birthday parties, until they got too old for that. They’d even all got jobs in shops near each other, so they could see each other easily during breaks.   
But… Frank couldn’t honestly say he’d ever felt close to any of them. There was an odd number of them to start with. Five in total.   
Frank had always felt like the odd one out.   
He also hadn’t thought about the shop he’d worked in. Just a typical convenience store. (Not unlike the one he’d worked in when he first got to the city. Frank winced when he remembered how he’d lost that job). 

Now Frank thought over all this. And everything else about the place he came from. The places, the people. Everything.   
And, almost immediately, he felt like he was suffocating.   
He felt a hand, stroking through his hair, and Frank was jolted back into reality. Back to where he was. Now.   
He looked up, saw Gerard frowning slightly, able to read Frank’s distress.   
“Everything.” Frank said, finally. “I had to get away from… Everything. I was… I felt like… Every day, it was closing in on me. The world was… Shrinking. Like I had this set path. And I had no choice in anything. No one was forcing my decisions but. I felt like there was no escape.”   
Gerard nodded, continuing to stroke Frank’s hair now, very slowly.  
“So…” Frank continued. “I made my own escape. I left. At first it felt so good. I felt like… I felt like I was free.”  
He lowered his gaze again. “Then… Jimmy happened.”   
Gerard pulled him close, squeezing gently.  
“Do you ever miss home?” Gerard asked, his voice just as gentle.   
Frank shook his head, slowly. “No. Not exactly, I guess. I miss… There’s some things I kinda miss. But… Not enough to go back.”  
Once again, he looked up. “I’d loose you if I went back.”   
Gerard’s frown deepened. “You said that before.” He said. “You really think your parents would be that against you being gay? That they’d be that against us?”   
Frank shrugged. “I dunno. Maybe. I think so. They always… They always asked me about girls at school. Then girls where I worked. Always talked about my friends girlfriends, and how come I was still single. They’d talk about when I grew up and got married, settled down with a wife and stuff.”  
Gerard laughed, softly, “That just sounds like typical parent stuff. I doubt they meant anything bad by it. I’m sure if you told them you were in a relationship with a guy, and that you were happy, they wouldn’t tell you that was wrong.”  
Frank didn’t answer that.  
So Gerard persisted. “You can ask Mikey, he got all that crap, still does! I used to get it too. Until, my, uh, kinda unceremonious coming out…”  
Gerard glanced down then, and noticed Frank looking at him, expectantly. “Oh, no.” Gerard said, shaking his head. “We’re talking about you right now. Not my dumb teenage years.”   
Frank faked a perfect pout.   
And Gerard rolled his eyes. “Okay, okay. Let’s just say… I was eighteen. I was nervous as hell. My boyfriend was pestering me to come clean about our relationship. We were in my room, and, uh… My mom walked in. I guess, uh, I guess you could say it was obvious we weren’t just ’friends’. Uh… He got sent home. I got a ‘talk’. And… Mikey got in trouble for keeping secrets.”  
Frank tried not to laugh at that.   
“Shut up.” Gerard told him, digging Frank gently in the ribs. “Anyway… Basically my mom was just upset I hadn’t trusted her. She couldn’t believe I thought she might not approve. I bet your parents would be just the same.”   
The smile fell from Frank’s lips, and he shrugged. “Going home would still mean leaving the city. So I’d still be leaving you.” Frank argued.   
“I’d go with you.” Gerard said, simply.  
The smile returned as Frank shook his head. “You wouldn’t leave Mikey. I know that Gee, and so do you.”   
Gerard shrugged. “He’d come too then.”   
Frank laughed, then shifted up slightly to kiss Gerard. “Is it really that simple in your mind?”   
Gerard nodded. “Things like this. Yes.”  
Again, Frank laughed, and kissed Gerard, slightly longer that time.   
“Anyway. I’m not going back. I don’t want to.” Frank said, simply. 

###

Later that morning, while Gerard was looking through the bag he’d hurriedly packed the previous day, he sighed, commenting on how much they’d left behind.   
Mikey was standing in the doorway to his room, leant up against the door frame. “Gerard, you know everything in this apartment is more than available to you, but… Do you want me to go back to your apartment and pick up some stuff?”   
At that, Gerard’s eyes went wide. “No! No, I can’t send you there. What if-”  
“Look.” Mikey said, cutting him off. “They’re looking for Frank, right? And, they are looking for you. No one’s looking for me, and if they find me, I just say I was stopping by and have no idea where you guys are. Alright? Simple.”   
Still, Gerard was shaking his head. “No. Nope. Not happening.”  
“Well, I’m not letting you go.” Mikey said, sternly. “And I know you won’t leave Frank right now anyway.” 

Gerard looked over at Frank, who was still sat on the couch they’d slept on.  
He’d huddled up, arms around his knees, now he lowered his legs.   
He looked at Gerard, scared.   
He shook his head. “No. No. I don’t care what’s left behind, it’s not worth it.”   
Gerard turned his attention back to Mikey, “End of discussion.” He said.   
Mikey sighed, resigned.   
In truth, he’d been curious to see just what these people were capable of. 

###

Mikey did leave a little later, he had work to go to, after all. He was pleased he had an afternoon shift, after the lack of sleep he’d had the previous night, he’d needed to take his time this morning. 

He was distracted all through his shift, wondering if Frank and Gerard were okay. Making a hurried plea to his boss to let him have a few days off.   
“Family emergency, please, it’s really important.”   
Thankfully, he was well thought of, and had little trouble in getting the time. 

When he was allowed home, Mikey didn’t go back to his apartment straight away though. 

He had to know.   
Had to know exactly what they were dealing with. 

The door to Gerard’s apartment was closed, but unlocked.   
Mikey knew, even in a hurry, Gerard wouldn’t have left it like that.   
He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, ready to run if he needed to. (Suddenly not sure if he would. Faced with the people who’d hurt Frank, and threatened Gerard… Mikey wasn’t sure he’d be able to just turn away.)   
He pushed the door open.   
It was immediately obvious the place was empty, but equally that it had already been found, had already been searched. 

Tentatively, Mikey stepped inside, and shut the door behind him.   
He’d need to get the lock fixed, he thought, no way he could just leave Gerard’s apartment open to anyone like this. 

Mikey walked further in, to the living room. Glad to find nothing major broken, just things turned over, the cupboard in the hall had been opened, it’s contents pulled out.   
The kitchen was in a bit of a mess, but nothing that couldn’t easily be replaced and fixed.   
Mikey was relieved. He guessed, since they were looking for someone, not something, there had been no real need to turn the place over too much.   
He guessed the man, Saint Jimmy had not been here for this. From the sounds of it, he was an intimidating man, and likely to take his frustrations out on the things and people around him.   
Not finding Frank would’ve made him furious, Mikey was sure, he wouldn’t have been able to leave the place like this. 

Picking up and tidying the few things he immediately could, Mikey continued checking the place over. 

When Mikey got to the bathroom, he found it to be in the worst state so far.   
The shower curtain had been yanked down, and all the cabinets were open, the contents knocked and spilled out.   
He rolled his eyes. “Fucking junkie’s.” He muttered, guessing that in this one case, they’d decided perhaps they were looking for something after all. 

The door to the bedroom was neatly closed, but as soon as Mikey stepped in he was shocked.   
Compared to everywhere else, this was an absolute horror show. 

Books had been pulled down off the shelf, strewn over the floor. Some had pages ripped out, Mikey didn’t want to know if the pages had significance.   
The wardrobe doors were wide open, clothes torn down from hangers, pulled off shelves, in a messy heap. Mikey couldn’t tell immediately if everything was intact. 

The beside lamps had been knocked off, one had survived the fall, but the other was broken, shards of glass embedded in the carpet.   
All the bedside drawers were open. Most at least partly emptied. Mikey caught sight of a few of Gerard’s notebooks, open. Some ring bound ones had been pulled at, warping the wire.  
He spotted a few pages torn out, crumpled.   
He caught sight of a picture, recognising Frank’s face on one of the screwed up pages.  
One of the drawers had been pulled out completely, left empty on the floor, it’s contents all over the bed.   
And, really, the bed was the worst.  
Torn and torn some more, the cover pulled back so it was obvious the mattress had been ruined also. The pillows ripped open.   
_Perhaps Jimmy was here after all…_

But then Mikey caught sight of something else.   
And he froze.   
It was a knife.  
And, he guessed, it was the same knife that had been used to cut the bed up.  
Curiosity winning out over his fear, Mikey moved closer to look at it.   
It was then that Mikey noticed the engraved handle.  
His hands shaking slightly as he did so, Mikey picked it up.

But, really, he didn’t need to read the engraving to know.   
He’d recognised it immediately.   
How many times had he seen Sammy playing with this same knife?   
And how could he forget the knife that’d caused the injury that Gerard still bore the scar of?

Mikey stared at the object, transported back, to a night worse than any other. 

Sammy.   
Sammy had been here.   
And he’d seen, known Gerard’s life with Frank. And he’d set out to destroy it. 

###

The moment Mikey walked in the door to his own apartment, he had the attention of both his guests. And Gerard knew, immediately that something was wrong. Mikey looked shaken, an extra edge of worry to him now. 

“What happened?” Gerard asked.  
Mikey shook his head, then laughed, shortly. The smile he tried to fix on his face turned into a grimace. “You’re gonna be so mad at me.” He said, softly.  
Frank stood, and went over to Mikey, getting the feeling he knew exactly what Mikey had done.   
“You went back to the apartment.”   
It was obvious Mikey was thinking about lying.   
But then he nodded.   
Gerard was on his feet now. “Mikey! I said-”  
“Gerard, I know what you said, but I was only-”  
“What if Jimmy had been there?” Gerard snapped. “What if Sammy had been there? What if they’d been there, and seen you? What if they took you, to lure us out? Mikey, you don’t seem to be understanding, these people are _dangerous._ And you have no idea what they would do to you.”  
“Don’t talk to me like that! I’m not stupid!”  
“You didn’t even think about what could’ve-”  
“I wasn’t going looking for trouble!” Mikey yelled. “If they’d been there, I’d have left before they saw me, alright?”  
“No! Because you don’t know you _could’ve_ got away, Mikey. We don’t know how many were there, what’s the guarantee you could’ve outrun them all?”  
Mikey shook his head, furiously. “Why, why do you have to patronise me? Just because you’re older doesn’t mean-”   
“ _Enough!_ ” Frank shouted over both of them, stunning them into shocked silence, staring at him.   
Frank took in a deep breath, and closed his eyes.  
“Alright. We are all stressed, we are all worried, but there is no need to take it out on each other.”   
He opened his eyes, and looked between the two brothers. “I envy how close you two are, you know that? I _wish_ I had a sibling I was that close to. Don’t yell at each other like that, alright? I know the yelling comes from you being worried and protective, but I still don’t wanna hear it.”  
Frank focused on Mikey then. “You know that going to Gerard’s place was reckless, but I know you were looking out for us. Thank you for that. But _please_ don’t go there again, Gerard’s right, you don’t know what they might do to you. And I don’t want you finding out.”   
Mikey nodded. And Frank turned around to focus on Gerard. “And, with all due love and respect, Gee. You don’t know what they’d do either. I know you have an idea, but you haven’t witnessed what they are capable of, what Jimmy is capable of. Please don’t use what they’d do as a way to scare Mikey, because you have _no_ idea how bad it can be.”  
Gerard closed his eyes, and also nodded.  
“Now, please, _please_ enough yelling. We can’t afford to fall apart.”   
His eyes closed again, and then he felt familiar arms around him, a kiss placed on his forehead. “We’re not falling apart.” Gerard promised.   
Then, letting go of Frank, Gerard went over to Mikey, to hug him instead now.   
“I’m sorry.” Gerard told him. “I just got scared.”  
“I’m sorry too. I won’t do that again.”

Much later that evening, Gerard asked Mikey about the apartment.   
“It was okay, actually.” Mikey said, his mind flicking briefly to the bedroom.  
He couldn’t bring himself to tell them about that. “I guess they figured you guys weren’t there and left pretty quickly. I locked the door again when I left. It’s a little warped from where they broke in, but the door will hold, and you can’t really tell there’s anything wrong.”  
Gerard nodded. “Good. That’s good. If they’ve already been there… We’re kinda safe, right?”   
Frank shook his head. “They won’t try there again, but they’ll probably have someone watching the building.” He glanced at Mikey, pointedly, hoping he got the message.   
“And… Now the hunt begins again.”   
The two brothers nodded, knowing what that meant.   
“I’d say we’ve got a few days… By then they’ll have a few ideas, start looking.”   
They all knew what that meant, in the next few days, they’d need a plan for where they were going.  
And they’d need to leave again. 

##

The three of them spent the next couple of days getting a plan together, a few places they could go to, moving from one to the next within the space of a few days.

They were going to stay with Ray first, even though it was an obvious place to hide, at least it was close. They’d only stay one night.  
Mikey, being the only one Jimmy’s boys _didn’t_ have a picture of, was the one to go out during the days, making arrangements.   
He’d discussed the details with Ray.  
Ray’s place above the store was bigger than Mikey’s, and he had a spare room.  
“Ray said you guys can share the spare, I’ll sleep on the couch or something. Not like his couch is small or anything.”  
Mikey had glanced, guiltily at the couch Frank and Gerard had been sharing at his place.  
He’d offered his bed a few times, but neither of them had let him give it up. 

After Ray’s, they were gonna go to Nikki’s. Mikey had only given her the barest details, but she’d been delighted to be asked and more than willing to help.   
“She seemed… Pretty eager.” Mikey explained.  
Gerard laughed, that sounded about right for Nikki.  
Then they were staying with one of Mikey’s friends.  
A few more stops, which Mikey was still trying to figure out.  
Then, eventually, they were heading to Gerard and Mikey’s parents house.  
“I haven’t explained why.” Mikey admitted. “But they’re pleased to have us coming.” Then, with a soft smile to Frank, he added, “And they’re looking forward to meeting you.”   
Frank felt his stomach twist into a knot.  
This wasn’t exactly how he’d pictured meeting Gerard’s parents.

The night before they were moving on saw Frank and Gerard, once again curled up together on the couch, blanket over the two of them.  
Mikey had long gone to bed, once again exhausted from stress and worry. Gerard knew he was trying to hide it. It was obvious to him though, Mikey was running himself down at an alarming rate, fearful near out of his mind for both his brother, and for Frank.   
Gerard wanted to tell Mikey not to worry, that he didn’t need to hover like he did all the time, that the obsessive checking of windows and doors was no help to anyone.  
He couldn’t tell Mikey that, because he’d been doing exactly the same. And yes, of course he was scared. He was terrified for Frank. Terrified they’d find him, take him. Terrified of what they’d do to him.   
_He’d be punished for leaving. Then they’d destroy him all over again. Send him back to that life._  
Gerard was close to breaking down every time that thought entered his head.   
And, he’d noticed a slight shift, he realised he wasn’t the only one being protective.  
He’d realised Frank had become equally protective of him.   
Scared of what Saint Jimmy would do to the person who kept ‘his’ Frank from him all this time.  
Scared of Sammy.   
Gerard had to admit, he was scared of Sammy too. Petrified, actually. If Sammy was anything like he had been…  
He believed, whole heartedly, however, that if they stuck together, they’d be fine. They’d get through this.   
They’d be able to stop being scared soon.  
As much as Gerard missed the comfort of his own bed, and though Mikey’s couch was hardly the most comfortable place, he was grateful.  
And it forced both him and Frank to be close, though he was certain they would be at this point anyway.   
He’d thought Frank was asleep already, he’d been so quiet, so still.   
“Gerard.”  
Hearing his name, even so quietly, surprised Gerard.   
He somehow managed to pull Frank even closer, just briefly. His way of letting Frank know he was awake, he was listening.  
“I’m- I’m still worried.”   
Gerard kissed him, gently. “I know. I am too. But we’re moving on tomorrow. One step ahead.”   
Frank didn’t reply right away. “I’m not so sure.” he said, hesitantly.   
That made Gerard pause. “Frank, what’s wrong?”  
Again, Frank didn’t reply right away, and Gerard felt him fidgeting, like always when he’s worried, or finding something difficult to explain. “I think…” He began, nervously. “Gerard I’m just scared, I feel like… I just get this feeling…”  
“What?” Gerard asked, really getting worried now.   
“I feel like… This could be our last night together. I-”  
And, once again, Gerard pulled him in tight, held him there that time. “Don’t. Don’t talk like that. Of course it’s not our last night together.”  
Frank pulled away slightly, just enough to look Gerard in the eye, try to get it across to him, he wasn’t making this up. “But Gee, I- I-”  
“Stop.” Gerard said, commandingly. “We’re okay. He’s not going to get to us.” He promised, feeling his stomach twist as he allowed himself to wonder how true that really was.   
Frank went quiet again.   
“I’m not so sure about that… It… It feels like he’s close. I- I can’t explain it.”   
Gerard reached out, stroked his hair, kissed his forehead, his temples, finally his lips. “I promise, the only one close to you is me.”   
Frank nodded, buried his face against Gerard’s chest.  
Then he looked up again. “Gerard. I- Can we- I want… Can we make love tonight?”  
Gerard felt like his heart had shot up to his throat.   
_Shit, Frank, you’re not being fair…_  
Yes, God yes he wanted to, and Frank sounded so…   
Neither of them had ever called it that before, although what they had called it, Gerard realised he couldn’t remember.   
But.  
“Frank. We can’t. We’re in Mikey’s apartment, he’d go crazy if-”  
“We can be quiet.” Frank argued, suggesting that so long as they didn’t get caught, they’d be fine.   
Even that part Gerard wasn’t so sure about. He knew his brother, he’d just know somehow.   
He felt Frank’s hand on his face, urging him to look, to see him. His eyes were pleading.  
“I just… Gerard, I need this. I need you.”  
Gerard had no choice but to look, even when he closed his eyes, he could still feel the look Frank was giving him.  
Frank was scared, more scared than he had been. Scared they were about to loose each other, desperate to be as close as possible.   
Well, if Frank was scared their time together was nearly up, Gerard would just have to show him that time was not ending, and certainly not anytime soon.   
“But if Mikey catches-” The lingering doubt remained.   
“He won’t.” Frank insisted, quickly.  
Gerard wasn’t sure, but, he decided a scolding from Mikey would be worth being able to comfort Frank.   
He nodded. “Okay. Yes.”   
Frank kissed him hard then.

They undressed under the covers, careful to only drop their clothes by the side of the couch. Every spare second they were kissing, lightly, briefly.   
Fully naked, and with hands gently touching, caressing skin, Gerard leaned into Frank, asked, “How do you want-?”   
“You.” Frank replied, immediately. “You on top.”   
Gerard nodded, kissing Frank again as he shifted over.   
He’d known that already, really.  
Sliding easily between Frank’s legs, the two of them moving together without need of communication.   
Gerard kissed him, and again, his hand moving steadily down Frank’s body, his fingers moving in little circles, massaging slightly as he worked his way down.  
Down his thigh, encouraging Frank to bend his knee. Only as Gerard slid his hand back did he realise something.  
“Shit.” He muttered.   
“What?”  
If he hadn’t had his eyes closed at that point, Gerard would’ve seen the worried look on Frank’s face.   
“Frank, we can’t… We don’t, um, we don’t have-”  
Gerard opened his eyes just in time to see Frank’s go wide with understanding. “Oh! Um…”  
“We can do other stuff.” Gerard said, hurriedly. “We- We can-”  
“Gerard.” Frank said, quietly, calmly. And Gerard stopped his nerves-induced mumbling, focusing entirely on Frank, once again.  
He realised there was no point even suggesting not doing this, it wasn’t an option for Frank.  
Or, he realised, for him either.   
“Give me a minute.” Gerard said, kissing Frank once more, before fumbling back into his jeans, getting off the couch, and disappearing into the bathroom.  
Frank sat up a little, wrapping the blanket tightly around himself, oddly conscious of his nakedness now Gerard was gone.  
No more than a couple of minutes later, and Gerard was back, bottle of some sort in hand.   
He placed it beside the couch before shimmying back out of his jeans, Frank allowing him to quickly get back under the blanket.   
More comfortable once again now Gerard was there, Frank allowed himself to slide down onto his back, Gerard following, easily shifting on top again.   
Gerard reached for the unknown bottle, the sound of the lid popping seeming very loud to Frank.   
“Mikey’s gonna kill me.” Gerard muttered.  
Frank couldn’t quite suppress a giggle. He knew there was no way Mikey had any proper lubricant in the apartment, and the thought of what Gerard had chosen as substitute also made Frank want to laugh.   
He was silenced with Gerard’s lips once again on his own, gentle, light at first, then deepening.  
Frank felt Gerard’s finger start to push into him. Whatever it was Gerard had used, it worked, he was sliding in easy.  
Easy as it ever is.   
Frank grabbed at Gerard’s hair, pulling slightly, but ultimately trying to hold him where he was, kissing him. Frank darted his tongue out, flicked it across Gerard’s lips, prompting him to part them.   
Frank surprised himself by suddenly moaning. Fuck, Gerard had done it again. But, instead of giving Frank the pleased, slightly naughty grin he usually did when he got that sound out of Frank, Gerard looked at him pleadingly, his other hand raising to press a finger to his lips.  
Oh. Right. Being quiet.   
Frank nodded, indicating he understood, he would be quiet.   
Well, as much as possible, anyway.   
Gerard smiled, relaxing again, though only slightly. He couldn’t quite get the fear of being caught out of his head.   
He leaned forward, kissing Frank once more as he continued to steadily move his fingers.  
Frank could sense something was wrong though, could tell Gerard was holding back. He knew the reason behind his hesitation, but Gerard only half being there wasn’t good enough for Frank.  
Not tonight.  
Curling his hand around the back of Gerard’s neck, Frank guided him down, whispered in his ear.  
“Shouldn’t you be the one telling _me_ to relax?”   
A sigh.  
“Frank, I-”  
“Just relax, please. I- I hate knowing you’re only half with me.”  
“I’m-” Gerard began to protest, though Frank didn’t let him get far. “Please, Gerard.”  
Gerard paused, obviously thinking, perhaps trying to rid himself of his worries.  
“Just for tonight.” Frank urged.   
A little longer pause, then Gerard kissed him.  
“I’m here.” He promised.

Freed from his self enforced constraints, Gerard found it easier now, oddly liberated.   
He hadn’t wanted to admit it, but with his mind full of doubts and fears, he’d found it slightly difficult to get hard, which in turn had worried him more.   
Now though, his mind clear, free and focused on Frank, he’d had no trouble at all.   
As they kissed, still gently, their bodies moved, to a rhythm they shared.   
Gerard’s cock kept brushing against Frank’s inner thigh, driving them both a little crazy, but neither willing to stop it.   
Eventually Gerard’s hand snaked under Frank again, a couple of discreetly slicked fingers sliding into him, making Frank gasp, grab hold of Gerard, pull him down, close.   
“No more.” Frank begged. “Want- Need you inside me.”  
No arguments from Gerard, he was almost aching.   
Removing his fingers, Gerard sat up, pulling the blanket up over his back as he did, still trying to encompass them both.   
He leant down, grabbed the substitute lubricant, a good amount tipped onto his palm.   
Gerard stared down at Frank, one hand reaching out, running over Frank’s body, while the other saw to coating his own cock with the contents of his hand.   
He could hear, feel his breathing getting heavy.   
Then, when he thought himself ready, he shifted closer, getting Frank to comply with very few words.  
Frank gasped again as he felt Gerard close, quickly relaxing into it, moving himself slightly so he pushed up against Gerard.   
Gerard smiled, knowingly. “Ready?”  
Frank nodded.  
Bit his lip slightly as Gerard slowly moved into him.  
A gasped moan from both, before they hurriedly silenced themselves.   
Frank concentrated on his breathing, no, it didn’t really hurt, but it always took his body a little time to adjust, no matter how good a job Gerard had done before.  
He felt Gerard’s hand take his own, squeeze gently, once. Frank squeezed back.  
“Okay?” Gerard asked.  
Frank nodded.   
And Gerard moved out slightly, not too much at first. Then back in again.   
Both gasped happily.   
Gerard pulled out again, more this time, waited before pushing back in. Frank just managed to stifle a cry.   
It felt so good.  
“God, I missed this.” Frank admitted. Gerard thought about teasing him, telling him it hadn’t been that long, not really.   
But he felt the same.   
He leant down, and Frank pushed himself up to meet him. They kissed, a couple of hot, sweet short kisses before a deeper, longer one, then parted again, Frank letting himself fall back on the couch, not caring if his head fell harder on the armrest than he’d meant to.  
Not caring about much at all, really, apart from Gerard, and him and the beautiful act they were doing.   
He titled his head back when, once again, Gerard found that perfect little spot inside him. He moaned, loudly, forgetting himself, forgetting his surroundings.   
He was silenced by Gerard’s hand covering his mouth.   
For the very briefest of seconds, Frank panicked, the action reminding him too much, too much-

_A small room an equally small apartment, thin walls, almost feeling unstable where he was pinned up against them.  
Larger, nicer room in a house where there were other people were sleeping, he’d been snuck in through the kitchen. The bed was soft beneath him, but the man above him wasn’t.  
An office building, a stressed out business man working late, taking his stresses out on Frank, Frank’s hands clutching tightly to the desk, trying to prevent himself being slammed into the edge of it.  
In every case, a hand clamped tight over his mouth, silencing._

Then he felt the hand quickly lifted away, stroking his hair, his cheek instead, comfortingly.  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t-”   
Gerard had stopped now, pulled out, entirely focused on Frank, waiting for a response.   
Frank opened his eyes, stared up at Gerard, saw the concern so obvious on his face, fear in his eyes.  
Frank, still feeling a little unsteady, reached up for him, pulled him down into a kiss. “I’m okay.” He promised. “I just- Little flashback, it’s gone now.”   
Gerard frowned, unconvinced. And Frank sighed. “I- I know we have to be quiet, but- Don’t do that. Please?” Gerard nodded, he understood, he felt so guilty for doing it, he hadn’t meant to.  
“Do you still…?” Gerard trailed off, uncertainly.   
Then Frank smiled, pulling him down for another kiss.   
That was enough of an answer for Gerard, sitting up again, he re-positioned himself, moved back in again.  
Frank once again tipped his head back, just enjoying the feeling now.  
They went slow and gentle, hands taking the time to run over each other.   
If they could’ve kept going all night, they would’ve, just to keep that closeness.   
Gerard the first to admit he was close, Frank agreeing, by that time they’d picked up the pace just slightly, and Frank begged Gerard to help him finish, to touch him, jerk him off.   
Gerard complied, taking him in hand, Frank having to stifle yet another cry, and half certain he was going to come just from that.   
He didn’t, but a few short strokes of Gerard’s hand, and a few thrusts of his cock and Frank threw his head back once again, moaning loudly, then moaning Gerard’s name.  
Gerard felt the familiar warmth spilling over his hand, glanced down, saw his hand covered, still being covered, Frank wasn’t done.  
His own orgasm built quickly as he looked between his hand and Frank’s blissful face.  
He came soon after, his back arching as he did. His moans not quite as loud as his usual, but more than he’d intended.   
Then he collapsed forward, falling onto Frank, who happily took his slight weight.  
For a while, neither moved, trying to get their breathing back to something like normal.  
Finally, with enough strength to move, they shifted so they were side by side, still naked, they held each other close, legs entwining together. Kissing little feather kisses.  
“I love you so much.” Frank said.  
“I love you too.”   
Though they didn’t open their eyes, they could feel each others smiles when they next kissed.  
They fell asleep like that. 

##

Mikey hadn’t been sleeping, he hadn’t had a decent nights sleep since Frank and Gerard had got there. Too worried to sleep. Though he always went to bed, fairly early, just so they would think he was sleeping.  
Yes. He’d heard, he’d much rather he hadn’t, but he wasn’t going to stop them, tell them they couldn’t.   
They were scared, terrified they were about to be torn away from each other at any moment. Scared of the fate that awaited them after that happened.   
Mikey knew, because he was scared too. Scared of what was going to happen to his brother and to Frank, who’d become one of his best friends.  
So, he couldn’t blame them, not really.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hell has come for Frank once more.   
> And hope seems very far away.

The next morning, and even before it happened, Frank was jumpy.   
Constantly glancing out the window, at the door, at the clock. He couldn’t keep still, his hands wringing together, scratching his skin with his short nails.  
“Frank.” Gerard said, gently, when he saw Frank was close to breaking the skin. He laid his hand over Frank’s.  
Frank looked down, wordlessly at the hand covering his own. Saw the red and bloodied nail beds where Gerard had been biting his nails down too far.   
He looked up at Gerard, as he laid his own hand on top of the one above his. 

“You can feel it too.” Frank said.   
It wasn’t a question, but Gerard shook his head.  
“I’m just anxious to get out of here. That’s all, Frankie.”  
Frank shook his head. “You’re lying. You can feel it, you can tell he’s getting close too. You know he’s-”  
“Frank!” Gerard’s voice was still soft, but unable to be argued with.   
His free hand went to Frank’s cheek, then up into his hair.  
“He is not coming. We are fine, alright? Please, please calm down.”   
But Frank shook his head, leant in close to Gerard, burying his face against Gerard’s shoulder.

Gerard had run out of words.  
Run out of lies.   
He would never, could never say it to Frank, it was the one thing he wouldn’t tell him, but he did feel it.  
What it was exactly, Gerard couldn’t explain. But he couldn’t ignore the painful twist in his stomach, something telling him something was very wrong.   
He tried making himself believe what he’d just told Frank, that he was just anxious to leave.  
It wasn’t quite working though. 

Mikey had gone out that morning, briefly, to set up the final arrangements, and pick up a few things before they left.  
They’d all been awake early.

This next part is the part that would typically described as ‘happening so fast’.  
Both Frank and Gerard would tell you different though. It wasn’t fast. It wasn’t over quick.   
It was drawn out, slow enough that both of them could remember it exactly. 

Gerard had got up, to go into the kitchen, to get them both drinks.  
He’d kissed Frank once, carefully, before he let go of his hands. 

Frank was checking over the bags again. Not too worried about his own, but making sure Gerard had the things Frank knew he would want with him.

Gerard heard the banging on the door. Frozen by it.   
Knowing it wouldn’t be Mikey. He had a key, after all.  
Knowing it wouldn’t be Ray, he was waiting for them at the store.   
Not letting himself think about who else it might be. 

Frank stared at the door.  
He wanted to scream at Gerard to come back to him.   
Now.  
Before it was too late.   
But his voice felt stuck in his throat.   
And if he cried out, the person the other side of the door would hear him too. 

The banging came again. And this time, a voice followed.   
“Frank! For fucks sake, I don’t have fucking time for this!”  
Johnny.

Frank looked up, saw Gerard coming back into the room, he got to his feet.   
Gerard’s eyes darted to the bedroom, he was suggesting Frank to hide, but Frank shook his head.  
It wouldn’t do any good. 

“Frank. Seriously. I am sick to _fucking hell_ running around after you. Now, I know you’re in there, so just open the door and we can do this bit easily, alright?” 

Frank had closed his eyes, trying to block out what was happening, he felt Gerard’s arms, tight around him.   
“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Gerard whispered, soothingly.  
Again, Frank shook his head.

A frustrated growl from Johnny outside the door. “You never could do things the easy way!”   
Then the banging got louder, heavier, more determined.  
They were breaking in. 

Frank was shaking, heavily, not quite crying, but he didn’t know how.  
He held on, even tighter to Gerard, determined not to let him go.  
Gerard’s soft voice, somehow, cut through the terrifyingly loud sounds of Frank’s past breaking in through the door.  
“It’s okay.” He soothed, kissing Frank’s temple, “I’m here. I promise.”

The next part _was_ quick. 

The crunch of the lock being broken.   
Then, despite all efforts on both parts, the two men suddenly found themselves torn away from each other, both grasping for the other, finding nothing but the cruel grips of their captors. 

Frank struggled hard, found himself falling sharply to his knees.   
Only then did he open his eyes, and look up.   
The world slowed down again then. 

Two boys he barely recognised, but vaguely remembered, held him. One holding each arm, with a tight hand on his shoulder, keeping him still as possible.   
And, standing before him, was Johnny, arms folded, a look of contempt and annoyance on his face.  
“Fucking finally.” Johnny said, rolling his eyes. “You have any fucking idea how much trouble you’ve caused these past few months? You realise how fucking pissed Jimmy is with you for fucking disappearing like you did?”  
Frank said nothing, his mind clouded with despair.  
It was over, all over now.   
He was going back. This was it.   
“Do you know how fucking _painful_ Jimmy has been since you left? And the way the rest of the boys have been treated, well… Can’t say any of them will be feeling particularly warm towards you, Frankie. Not after they’ve been having to cover your clients all this fucking time.”  
Then Johnny grinned, a grin so like Jimmy’s, for a second Frank was reminded of how much Johnny worshipped the Saint.   
“Speaking of your clients… They will be pleased to have you back. That is… Once Jimmy is done with you.”  
Johnny stepped closer, looking Frank over, taking in his position on the floor. “Look at you. Already on your knees again. Like you never left, huh?”   
“Leave him alone!”  
Suddenly, Frank was wrenched out of his despair, as he heard Gerard’s voice, loud and strong.  
Then he saw him, and Frank’s heart plummeted again.  
He was held against the wall by another man, someone Frank remembered well from the Phoenix, but had never remembered the name of.   
He knew it now though. And he felt sick. Feeling infinitely worse for Gerard now than he did himself.  
It was Sammy. 

As he watched, Sammy raised his hand, placing a finger over Gerard’s lips. “Shush, Gee. The boys are busy.”  
Gerard’s eyes were closed, tight, denying who was in front of him, who was holding him.   
Frank could see tears on his cheeks though.   
Gerard knew exactly who it was, and he was terrified.

Frank looked up at Johnny again. “Let him go.” He said, his voice coming out stronger than he’d expected.   
“Johnny. Please, just let Gerard go, don’t- don’t hurt him. And- and I swear, I swear I’ll come with you. I’ll come with you easily, even. Please, just-”  
“Frank!” Gerard yelled. “No! No! Don’t say that!”   
Frank’s attention was fully back on Gerard, watching him trying to shrink away from Sammy, whose one hand was slowly running through Gerard’s hair, touching his face, his face leaning in too close. 

Johnny rolled his eyes. “I think I’ve developed some of Jimmy’s impatience… Then again I never had a lot of time for you Frank.”   
Then he looked to the two other boys, “Come on, we’re going.”  
Twin cries of ‘No!’ from both Frank and Gerard as Frank was dragged to his feet, and Gerard snapped his eyes open.  
He caught a glimpse of Frank, struggling, trying to get free, looking to him, pleadingly.  
But his one defence against the man holding him was gone now, and Gerard was faced, full on, with Sammy once again.  
While Frank was being dragged back to his nightmare, Gerard was already back in his own.   
Sammy smiled, showing off his fangs fully now.   
Gerard, somehow, noticed the fangs were silver now.  
Sharper.   
“Hey, Gee.” Sammy said.  
“Missed you, so much.”  
Sammy leant closer then, his lips going to Gerard’s neck, kissing, softly.

Gerard could hear Frank screaming, screaming to be let go, screaming for Gerard to be left alone.  
Then he felt those fangs, and he could only concentrate on the sharp pain.  
And the awful memories it brought back.

The scream that tore out of Frank left his throat feeling raw and almost bloody.  
He didn’t stop though.  
“Johnny!” He cried out, his voice sounding strained and hoarse. “Stop! Stop this! Stop him from doing that! Johnny, please, you have what Jimmy wants, you have me, please, please. You don’t- You don’t know what you’re doing! You don’t know who that is, what he did! You don’t-”  
Johnny looked around then, and fixed Frank with a look that instantly silenced him.  
The look on Johnny’s face was one of regret.   
He knew, Frank realised with horrifying clarity, exactly who Sammy was, exactly who Gerard was, and the past between them.   
Frank suddenly understood. This was Jimmy’s punishment to Gerard, for getting in the way.   
And Jimmy knew just how damaging this punishment was. 

Frank shook his head. “Please.” Frank said, quietly now. “Please, make him stop.”   
Johnny stared at Frank, his expression not changing in the slightest. It looked like he wasn’t going to do a single thing.  
Then, there was a small shift, and Frank knew he’d, somehow, broken through.  
Johnny closed his eyes, and sighed heavily.   
“Sammy!” Johnny called out.   
Sammy didn’t seem to hear him, or he was ignoring him, so Johnny repeated himself, louder, sharper.   
“Sammy! Enough! We’re going!”   
Slowly, Sammy looked up.  
Frank felt like he was going to throw up when he saw the blood on Sammy’s lips.  
He looked at Gerard, trying to ignore the blood on him, trying to see if he was okay.  
 _Please Gerard. Please, just once more. Just look at me once more. Let me know you’ll be alright._

Sammy grinned at Johnny. “Aww, just let me play a little longer, Johnny, c’mon.”  
Johnny’s face was set, he shook his head. “No. Sammy. Now!”   
Sammy scowled. “But Jimmy said-”  
“Jimmy said, above all else, we bring Frank back. Now that is what I intend to do. You know Jimmy doesn’t like waiting.”  
“Waited this long for the little whore, he can wait a bit longer.”  
“Sam-”  
“Don’t!”  
At the exact moment that Johnny went to tell Sammy off, another voice, slightly quieter, but just as strong, cut through.   
It took everyone else a minute, but Frank hadn’t taken his eyes off Gerard, so he knew immediately.   
Once again, Gerard opened his eyes, glaring at Sammy now, his eyes no longer filled with fear, but with hate and fury.  
“Don’t you dare call him a whore.” Gerard hissed.  
At that, Sammy grinned. “But that’s exactly what he is.”   
Then he leant in, whispered, “I should know, I fucked him myself. He’s a good little whore, does as he’s told, surprisingly tight for such a well used slut too.”  
Gerard was furious, unable to even find the words he so wanted to spit at Sammy right now.   
“Feeling jealous, Gee?” Sammy asked, his tongue darting out, licking at some of the blood he’d spilt.   
“Sammy! That is enough!” Johnny snapped, finally having had enough of waiting himself.   
Sammy looked up again, looking annoyed, but knowing Johnny’s orders were, technically, Jimmy’s.  
And he knew better than to defy Jimmy. 

The two boys were dragging Frank out the door, he struggled, desperately, trying to get back to Gerard.  
Their grips were firm though. Frank knew they would be. They were hands that had had to fight off men who would hurt them, hands that dug tight into bed sheets and pillows, hands that had to find grip on surfaces that had none, that clung tight to bedsteads and the arms of couches, hands that kept tight hold of pill bottles, even as they shook with tremors.   
All these brief flashes of memory struck Frank, along with the knowledge that it was where he was heading again.   
He had to continue to fight, to try and get back to Gerard, to keep him in sight as long as he possibly could.   
Frank watched as Sammy let Gerard go, stepping away from him, head bowed, scowling as Johnny also watched.   
He saw Gerard begin to sink to the floor, try to get up.   
Then Gerard caught sight of Johnny, who, with a shake of the head, and a pointed glance at Sammy, made Gerard stop. 

This was really it then.   
Gerard looked up, finally at Frank again.  
For a second, their eyes were in perfect contact, and, for one crazy moment, Frank felt safe again.   
It was all he’d wanted.  
“I’m sorry.”  
Gerard shook his head, fiercely, denying Frank’s apology. He got to his feet again, running at the group, newly determined to stop them. 

The door slammed on him, and Gerard felt all the fight and fire leave him.   
He fell to the floor, and cried heavily.  
Feeling broken and lost.  
Like a part of him had just been ripped away.

###

In the back of the car, Frank was shaking.   
On one side of him, was Johnny, on the other was one of the boys, whose name he was trying to remember, he knew he knew it, but it wouldn’t come to him.   
He wasn’t focusing on that anyway.   
All he could think about was Gerard.  
And the fact he’d never see him again.   
“Face it, Frank.” Johnny said, coldly. “You were never going to be able to hide forever. You had a good run, at least.”  
Frank didn’t reply.   
“That Gerard guy… He seemed to be really bothered about you leaving. Meant something to him?”  
Frank nodded, but wouldn’t speak to Johnny.   
Not even about Gerard.  
Especially not about Gerard. 

They stopped outside a familiar apartment building, only taking Frank a few seconds to recognise because it was so rare for him to see it in daylight.  
He would’ve struggled, if he’d seen any point.   
Johnny kept a tight grip on Frank’s arm, dragging him out of the car, then up into the building.

Sammy was sent off, but Frank wasn’t paying attention to where to.  
It didn’t matter, nothing did now.   
He was lost.  
As he was brought back to the familiar door, Frank caught sight of the slightly smudged rabbit.   
He was falling back down the rabbit hole.

Was it worse, this time, knowing what was ahead of him?   
In a way, yes. In a way, no. At least he knew his own limits now. He could go to the very edge, and survive it.   
If he wanted to. 

The door opened, and there, suddenly, he was.   
Saint Jimmy.   
Wide eyes, wide smile and wide open arms for Frank, beckoning him back in. 

“Frank!” Jimmy wrenched him from Johnny’s grip, sending the other man reeling.  
Johnny scowled, watching as Frank was drawn close to Jimmy, embraced like a long lost son.   
“Finally!” Jimmy exclaimed. “You’re home. You’re back home, at last, and safe!”  
That was all it took.   
Frank pushed him away, roughly. “I am _not_ home.” He snarled. “I was forced out of my home, when I found out you’d nearly found me. I was just taken away from the place where I was safe! The person I was safe with! I-”  
Frank cut off, suddenly, with a yelp of pain as Jimmy hit him, hard. It was enough force to send Frank off balance, he fell, catching himself on the couch.  
The damn couch. Fuck. It still stunk, like it always did.   
“Oh. Baby. My angel Frankie… This isn’t you.” Jimmy cooed, crouching down, beside Frank, his hand reaching up, stroking through his hair.   
Frank flinched away, but Jimmy didn’t stop.   
“Of course you’re home. You’re with me. I’m your home, Frankie. Now, whatever that man that kept you from me all this time told you was lies, lies, angel.”  
That did it.   
Frank lashed out, striking Jimmy, hard, catching him off guard. “Don’t you dare!” Frank snapped. “Don’t you dare talk like that! You’d never understand!”  
Saint Jimmy’s eyes were full of fire now, he was furious, unbelieving that Frank, _his_ Frank was acting like this.   
“You be very, very careful, Frankie. I understand you’ve have a difficult time, but I will not-”  
“Difficult?!” Frank snapped. “Difficult? You think it’s been difficult for me? The only part that was difficult, Jimmy, was getting over all the shit _you_ put me through!”  
Saint Jimmy’s eyes narrowed. “Ungrateful little shit.” He spat.   
Then, suddenly, Jimmy was on his feet, and, before Frank knew what was happening, he found himself on the floor, pinned down by Jimmy.  
It was familiar, too, too familiar.  
Frank struggled, trying to get Jimmy off.   
The feeling of hopelessness was familiar also. 

“I see. I see it now, angel.” Jimmy soothed. “I know why you’re so upset. It’s because he took your drugs from you, didn’t he? I understand. Let me make it better…”  
That was when Frank caught sight of the thing in Jimmy’s hand. He saw Johnny just behind him, and realised Johnny had just passed it to Jimmy.  
A syringe.  
Frank screamed, kicked and fought harder.  
“Shh. Sush, angel…”

He felt the needle go in, even as he still struggled, knew he’d cause the vein to bruise, but he didn’t, couldn’t care about that.   
_Oh God! No! No! Not after everything Gerard did to get me clean! NO! No Jimmy! PLEASE!_  
He had no idea that the words in his head also came, screaming, out of his mouth. 

Frank didn’t remember much for a little while. He thought he might have passed out. Shock, most likely.   
He could still feel the drugs, working on him. Jimmy had, as usual, saved the good stuff for Frank. The strong stuff. The stuff that’d started to feel so numb to Frank, but now, after months of being clean, suddenly felt like a sledgehammer.  
He was aware of a few things.  
He wasn’t on the floor anymore, he recognised the very particular uncomfortable feeling that was Saint Jimmy’s bed.   
Also, he was aware that this shirt was pushed up, a hand running over the bare, exposed skin, pushing up further.  
His jeans were undone, tugged down slightly.  
A second hand was in his underwear, touching him, not gently.

Jimmy’s mouth was on his neck, kissing, sucking, licking. “Fuuuuck. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed you, Frankie. Shit. Shit. You don’t feel any different.”

This really, truly was it then.  
Frank was back, completely.   
He was so high he could barely move, and, already he was Jimmy’s little fuck toy again.   
He tried to cry, but couldn’t quite manage it.   
Then he thought of Gerard, of what he’d lost.   
And, just like that, the tears came freely. 

###

As Mikey put the key in the door, he already knew something was wrong.   
The door was shut, but the key did not turn.   
Then he noticed the wood around the lock and handle was warped, cracked.   
Immediately his heart rate sped up, almost painfully.   
“Fuck.”  
It was what he’d dreaded, these last few days, he’d dreaded getting back to this.   
All he had to hope for was that somehow, things weren’t as bad as he thought they were. 

He pushed the door open, and, for one, brief second, his heart lightened when he saw Gerard.  
It grew quickly heavier again when he realised exactly what he was seeing. 

Gerard had barely moved. He was still in the hallway, sat with his back against the wall.  
His head in his hands, and he was shaking.  
Mikey dropped the things he was carrying and threw himself next to his brother.   
“Gerard.” He said, gently, placing his hand on Gerard’s shoulder. “Gee. Look at me, please. What- What happened?”   
The other question, the one he desperately didn’t want to ask was ‘where’s Frank’  
Gerard looked up, slowly. Tears stained his cheeks, and continued to flow.   
As soon as he saw Mikey, he lunged forward, wrapping his arms around his brother, pulling him close. Holding on like he never intended to let go.   
Of course, even as he did that, he knew he’d held Frank like this, and it’d done no good.  
The tears came heavier.   
Mikey shifted slightly, so they were both more comfortable, then held Gerard equally tight.   
“Oh God.” He said, softly. “Oh God, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry Gerard.”  
Gerard shook his head, fiercely. “They took him. I- I couldn’t stop them. I- I couldn’t defend him. I- I couldn’t save him. I- I- I-”  
Mikey squeezed him that little tighter. “Don’t, don’t do that, Gee. It’s not your fault. It’s not, okay?”  
“I let them take him.”  
“I know that’s not true.” Mikey argued, softly.   
“He’s going back. He’s going back to that life. That place that messed him up so fucking badly. To that person who pretends to love him but treats him like shit, that sends him out to be abused. He’s going to be abused again and again and it’s all because I didn’t save him!”   
“Gee.” Mikey said, coaxingly. “Stop. Stop this, stop blaming yourself, please.”   
Then Gerard pulled back slightly, and looked at Mikey. “What else can I do?” Gerard asked, very seriously.   
It was then that Mikey saw the blood.   
“Shit Gee, you’re bleeding.”   
Gerard raised his hand to his neck, then shuddered.   
He nodded.   
Mikey leaned in a little closer, to look.   
He gasped, softly, when he figured it out.   
“Shit. Sammy?”   
Gerard nodded.  
And started shaking harder as he remembered it. He’d been so wrapped up in his grief over Frank, he’d barely thought about Sammy.   
But, now he did, he could physically feel the last part of his self control melt away.   
Mikey saw it, and pulled Gerard close again. “Shit. Shit, Gee. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He said, again. Feeling useless, knowing these words did nothing to help. 

Eventually, Mikey managed to coax Gerard to his feet, and get them both over to the couch.  
Gerard had stopped crying, but now it just seemed like he’d shut down completely, which was even scarier.   
When he eventually talked again, that wasn’t much better.   
“I… I don’t know what to do, Mikey. I’ve lost him. He’s gone. I… I did everything I could for him. But they still got him.” He looked up then, and the look of hopelessness was heart breaking.   
“I…I love him so much, Mikey.”  
“I know.”  
“I… It hurts, not having him here. Already, it _hurts_.”  
Mikey drew him close again. “I know.”  
“Why couldn’t they just leave him alone?”   
Mikey closed his eyes, wishing he had the answers, wishing he knew how to make it better.   
He knew there was only one thing that could make it better, only one person.   
Frank.   
And they had no idea how to find him, or how to get him back. 

Then, Mikey remembered something.   
He hesitated to bring the subject up, knowing Gerard had already been through hell today, and not certain he’d be able to survive much more.   
But, for Frank?   
Mikey thought he just might be able to do it, for Frank. 

“Gee.” Mikey said, softly. “You said… You said Sammy was with them?”   
Gerard nodded.   
Again, Mikey hesitated. “Okay… Tell me to shut the fuck up, or punch me if you want but… Sammy is fucking obsessed with you. And… I bet he hasn’t actually gone back with the others. He’s probably hanging around…”  
Gerard looked up then, wondering where Mikey was going with this.   
“Gee. I… I understand if you say no, and if you don’t want to. I completely understand, okay? But… Sammy probably knows where they’ll take Frank.”

For a long, long while Gerard just stared at Mikey.  
And Mikey was worried he’d just made a very bad mistake. He shouldn’t have suggested it, he knew that, he knew how scared Gerard was. But… He’d had to do, say something.

Then, suddenly, Gerard was on his feet.  
“Let’s go.” 

Mikey got up and hurried after his brother.   
He felt a sudden surge of amazement and pride in Gerard.   
Of course, when it came to Frank, little would stand in his way. 

###

Sammy had been more than happy when Johnny said he could go back for Gerard now.   
He’d been upset and confused when Johnny had made him leave Gerard behind in the first place.   
Jimmy wanted him too, after all. And, Sammy was sure, he’d be able to keep Gerard, as a prize for finding Frank. 

Sammy figured Johnny realised Frank wasn’t going to leave unless he thought Gerard was safe too, it would’ve been that much harder to get him out of that apartment. 

Frank…  
Sammy grimaced. He’d never liked the little slut, even from the first time Jimmy had brought the boy over. Skittish and annoyingly wary.  
And the way he’d hung off Saint Jimmy was practically sickening. If he wasn’t out on a job, he was glued to Jimmy’s side.  
Then he acted surprised that Johnny hated him.   
Sammy felt a kind of affinity with Johnny, though he wasn’t sure why. Even though Johnny often seemed irritated by him, Sammy recognised and admired his loyalty to Saint Jimmy.  
Loyal enough even to bring back the boy who’d got between him and Jimmy.  
That was love for you, right there. 

One thing Sammy could say in Frank’s favour, his reputation was not unwarranted. He was a seriously good fuck.  
Sammy shivered slightly when he realised that Gerard, _his_ Gerard had probably had sex with him too.  
In fact, he was certain of it.  
Sammy remembered the bedroom at Gerard’s apartment. He remembered the drawers, filled with drawings and stupid shit to do with Frank.   
Where the fuck were Gerard’s old drawings? The ones of _him_? Sammy had got Gerard to draw him with elongated fangs once, he’d modelled with his mouth open, showing off his fake ones, while Gerard sat at the end of the bed, frowning, concentrating hard.   
When Gerard had shown him the end result, Sammy had kissed him, sweet at first, then hard, biting his lip, teasingly.   
Then Gerard had leant forward, let Sammy open up a small wound on his shoulder (shoulders were good, they had a lot of blood, and healed easily), and let Sammy suck gently on the blood that welled from it.   
(At least, that’s how Sammy remembered it.) 

Then there was _that_ drawer.   
Freshly stocked, the box of condoms opened, there seemed to be one missing.  
At least Gerard had been sensible enough not to fuck the whore unprotected.

Still, the idea of the two of them, in bed together, in the bed _he_ had shared with Gerard…  
Sammy couldn’t stand it. 

###

It’d only been a few days since Gerard had last left Mikey’s apartment, but as he stepped outside, the fresh air hit him in a strangely profound way. He felt like he hadn’t breathed real air for weeks, the outside seemed slightly more real than it ever had.  
Gerard realised this is what it must’ve felt like to Frank, when he’d first gone outside again, but on a larger scale, Frank had been inside for months.  
He closed his eyes, briefly, allowing himself that second to appreciate how free it felt to be outside.  
Then the gravity of the situation hit once more, and the lightness he’d felt melted away.  
He half thought about turning back.   
But what would he do if he just turned back?  
Hide for the rest of his life?  
Curl up like a wounded animal, wasted by grief?  
Leave Frank to his fate?

No.  
Not happening.

Mikey fell into step beside his brother, having to hurry at first. Gerard had been standing still for so long, it took Mikey by surprise when he started walking, and walking fast. 

“Where do you suppose he’d be, Gerard?” Mikey asked, a little tentatively.   
They hadn’t spoken since leaving the building, and the look on Gerard’s face was serious, hard set.   
Now Gerard shook his head. “I don’t know, but like you said, he probably won’t be far.” 

###

Was Sammy a little pissed that Johnny had made him walk back?  
Yes, yes he was. It wasn’t like Mikey’s place had been just down the road from Jimmy’s, it was a fucking long walk.  
He was going quick though, anticipating his reward at the end of this.  
Jimmy wouldn’t mind if Gerard was a bit late getting to him, right?   
Sammy had been waiting years for this, after all. 

He was just musing on this, when he saw something, someone, up ahead.  
It was as if his very prayers had been answered.

The second Gerard caught sight of Sammy, he stopped dead, frozen with fear.  
The fresh wound on his neck throbbed. Mikey had helped him get it cleaned up, using disinfectant which had stung, but was necessary, a white padded plaster covered it.  
Still Gerard’s hand went to it.   
His scar itched.

He felt Mikey’s hand on his arm, squeezing gently. “I’m not leaving, not for one second, okay, Gee? If he tries one single-”  
“I’m okay.” Gerard said, more confidently than he felt, and forced himself into walking the final steps, to meet Sammy.

Sammy grinned, showing off his fangs again.  
Mikey’s eyes widened as he saw how strong they looked now, these weren’t the clip on kind he’d had when still with Gerard, they could clearly do damage all by themselves.  
They already had.

“Hey Gee.” Sammy drawled. “Didn’t expect to see you quite so soon.”   
He stepped closer, and Gerard forced himself to stand his ground.   
“Miss me that much?”  
Gerard didn’t answer, asking his own question instead, “Where did they take Frank?”   
Sammy snarled. “Still hung up on that little whore, huh?” He snapped. Then, noticeably calming himself, Sammy grinned once again, “Jimmy’ll have him by now. I’ll bet Jimmy’s already got back inside the bitch, he’s probably seeing stars already.”   
Gerard’s hands had clenched into fists, he made a move towards Sammy.  
But Mikey was quicker.  
Before Gerard knew what was happening, Mikey had got in front of him, and had slammed Sammy against the building they were in front of.   
The look on Mikey’s face was a mix of disgust and rage.  
Sammy smiled, trying to come across confident, but it faltered.   
“Well heey Mikey. Long time no see.” Sammy said, his voice also lacking the confidence he was clearly trying to portray.   
“Where is Frank?” Mikey asked, his own voice deceptively calm.   
Sammy shrugged, “How the fuck should I know?”  
Mikey hit him.  
Gerard winced, he’d heard some kind of crunch.  
He hoped it hadn’t been Mikey’s knuckles.

“I’m making this very simple for you.” Mikey said, the calm creeping out of his voice now. “Where the _fuck_ is Frank?”   
“Why do you care?” Sammy snapped back at him. Then he grinned. “Ooh. Did you fuck him too? You want your little fuck toy back too, huh?”  
Mikey hit him again, harder.  
Sammy just laughed, and continued, “Did you know that, Gee? Did you know your brother was playing with _your_ toy?”   
Then, focusing back on Mikey, Sammy grinned once more, showing off teeth and fangs bloodied from his cheek being smashed against them.   
“Or, was Gee there when you did it? Now why did I never think of that one?”   
That one earned him a knee to the crotch.  
Sammy would’ve curled up then, had Mikey not had such a firm hold on him, keeping him, forcing him upright.   
Tears streamed down Sammy’s face.  
“You always were an uptight _bitch_ Mikey!” Sammy growled at him.  
Gerard stepped in again, grabbing at Sammy’s hair, forcing him to look at him, not at Mikey.   
“I want you to take me very seriously, Sammy.” He said, evenly.   
Sammy made no response, which Gerard took as acceptance.  
“You will tell me where Frank is.” Then he lent in, close to Sammy’s ear, “Or I swear, I will go to the police about what you did to me.”  
Sammy laughed, a little thickly. “What? What will you even tell them, Gee? What couple’s do is not-”  
“I will tell them you cut me during sex, without my consent. That the _sex_ was also without consent. That you treated me like something you _owned_.”  
Sammy looked at little less certain of himself then, shaken by what Gerard was saying.  
If he were truthful, it hurt, hearing Gerard say that.   
He shook his head. “That was all years ago.” Sammy protested. “It’s too late for you to go crying to the police!” Then, a small smile quirking his lips, “And no one would believe you anyway.”  
Gerard shrugged, seeming unaffected. “If they have trouble believing it, it’s not like they can argue with this.” Holding up his wrist, showing his scar.   
“Or this.” He turned his head, showing the newly covered wound on his neck.  
Now Sammy looked scared.

Gerard lent in close again.  
Later he would wonder how he’d managed it, how he’d managed to force himself to be that close to this hateful man.  
Right then though, it was more than easy.   
“Where is Frank?” He repeated. 

Sammy looked between Gerard and Mikey, trying to figure out a way out of this.   
Eventually, he rolled his eyes, stubbornly looked away from both of them.  
“Jimmy’s place. Not the bar, his apartment. It’s the big apartment building just down the road from there, his place is on the top floor, all the other ones are empty up there anyway.”   
Then he looked at Gerard, his eyes full of hate.  
And betrayal.   
“You’ll be able to follow the sounds of Frank’s moans, though, right Gee?” 

Finally, Gerard snapped completely, grabbing Sammy by the hair once more, Mikey moved out of the way, to let Gerard get to him.   
“I was a fucking idiot to trust you, you know that, Sammy?” Gerard hissed. “I was an idiot to think I loved you. Because I did, I really thought I loved you.”  
He paused, letting Sammy take that in.  
“And you were an idiot too, to think I wouldn’t eventually hate you for what you did.” 

He backed off then.  
And turned in the direction of The Phoenix, knowing his way there, trusting he’d be able to find Jimmy’s apartment building from there.

It took him a second to realise Mikey wasn’t beside him.

Gerard didn’t turn around, he had an idea of what he’d see. He didn’t like the idea of his brother being violent.  
“You coming Mikey?” 

There was a pause.   
“I’ll catch up.” Mikey replied. 

Gerard closed his eyes, desperately wanting to grab Mikey, take him away, with him.   
Partly, because he was scared to go on alone. 

Gerard nodded. “Okay. Stay safe.”  
“You too.” 

Gerard took off at a run before he could talk himself out of it.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The darkness truly closes in now.
> 
> The saviour is in need of saving. 
> 
> And Saint Jimmy is nowhere near done...

Running.   
It’s amazing how running can make you feel. Sometimes running can make you feel so alive, so free. Whether you are running to something or from something, or just running because you can, it can be exhilarating. 

For Gerard, as he ran in the direction of a bar he hadn’t frequented for years, it did not feel like that at all. 

Every step felt too slow, too heavy. His heart was beating too hard, but not from exertion, from fear.  
Fear for leaving his brother with a man who terrified him.   
Fear for what was happening to Frank, fear he was too late to save him.   
And fear for himself, that what he was about to head into was not something he could handle. 

His thoughts flicked to Frank, a few hours ago, being dragged away.   
Then to months ago, Frank curled up and screaming and crying on his bed, in so much pain, so haunted by his past.  
Then to the night before, safely within Gerard’s arms, calm and peacefully smiling. 

He kept running. 

Finally, an apartment building loomed ahead of him. Gerard slowed, walked a little further past, and caught sight of The Phoenix just down the road.   
He paused again, staring up at the building. 

Something about it so very keenly repelled Gerard, like he could sense the bad things that had happened in there.  
But, at the same time, there was something pulling him to it.   
Frank. Frank was in there.

It was a slower walk with which Gerard approached the door, and began his ascent up the stairs. 

###

Saint Jimmy was humming, happily.   
Johnny kept glancing at him from the couch, his lip curling distastefully, eyes narrowed.   
Jimmy never saw this though, so he had no idea of Johnny’s irritation. 

Jimmy was still on the bed, sat up against the wall now, his legs crossed, with Frank cradled in his lap, his head propped on Jimmy’s leg, while his body was curled up on it’s side.   
Frank had his eyes closed, though he wasn’t asleep.   
He wished he was. Then he wouldn’t be able to feel Jimmy’s hand in his hair, the other hand gliding, lazily everywhere else over Frank’s body.   
He was dressed once again, but Jimmy hadn’t fixed his jeans. Frank felt exposed anyway. Jimmy had already unravelled him, he was naked in Jimmy’s eyes. 

“I’ll say one thing for the man who took you.” Jimmy said, calmly, easily.   
Frank didn’t respond.   
“He certainly looked after you. I don’t think I remember your skin feeling this clean and looking so healthy.”  
He pushed back Frank’s shirt, fingers running over his side.   
Then Jimmy’s hand reach around, his palm and fingers splaying out over Frank’s stomach. 

“Fed you nicely too.” Jimmy said. “You’re not all skin and bone anymore. I think I quite like the way you feel like this. I’ll have to make sure you stay that way now.” 

Still, Frank said nothing, but tears were escaping from the corner of his eyes.   
Somehow, Jimmy noticed.   
A finger ran under each eye, cutting off the tears.   
“No crying, darling. Nothing to cry about.” 

###

Gerard finally reached the top floor, and found himself presented with too many doors.  
He remembered what Sammy had said, about them all being empty anyway.

After trying a few, finding nothing, he eventually came to one with something by the door.   
A smudged little white rabbit. 

_“I knew someone who used to draw them, white rabbits I mean. She drew them everywhere. I think… I think she meant for it to be a warning. It was a warning against Saint Jimmy.”  
_

Alice.   
This was where Jimmy lived.   
This was where Frank was. 

###

There was a light, almost hesitant knock on the door, which made Johnny look up, frowning slightly.   
Then there was a heavier, more sure knock after that, which caused Jimmy to look up also.  
He grinned, just a little, and watched as the door opened, without waiting for the call to come in. 

“Ah, our long expected guest. I wondered how long it would take for you to find us. No Sammy, I see?”.

There was a long pause, before a strong voice replied, “My brother wanted… A word with Sammy.” 

Frank’s eyes shot open.   
That voice was unmistakeable.   
It couldn’t be real. Frank was imagining it. A drug fuelled illusion, surely.   
He managed to raise his eyes and tip his head up so he could see to the door. 

He wasn’t imagining it.  
Standing there, in the doorway, his hair looking more dishevelled than it ever had, possibly slightly damp, and his soft, deep eyes staring right at Frank, part filled with relief, part filled with despair, was Gerard.

Frank felt his heart swell with relief, the same relief he saw in Gerard’s eyes.  
Then it contracted, painfully, as he remembered where he was, what had happened, and how he must look to Gerard right now.   
He curled in on himself tighter, and hid his face in his hands.   
_Please don’t look at me Gerard, please, please._

At the sight of Frank, Gerard had felt the emptiness he’d had since earlier all but disappear. But, when he saw Frank curl in on himself, shamefully, Gerard’s heart sunk. He’d had a feeling things were bad, from the way Jimmy held him, but the way Frank had hid gave Gerard even more of the story. 

He went to step closer, but before he could take more than a couple of steps, Johnny was on his feet, an arm in front of Gerard, stopping him.  
Gerard didn’t see the point in getting into a fight until entirely necessary. 

Without taking his eyes off Frank, willing, wishing Frank to look at him again, Gerard asked,   
“What did you do?” 

Saint Jimmy smiled. “Nothing much. Just reminded him who he belongs to.” 

With a brief look of hatred shot in Jimmy’s direction, Gerard then moved closer again.   
Johnny looked to Jimmy, asking if he should stop him.   
Jimmy shrugged, then shook his head. 

“You want to see him, hmm Gerard?” Jimmy asked, easing Frank off his lap.   
Gerard watched, warily. But Jimmy pushed Frank away completely, and stood up from the bed, and Johnny backed away too.   
Gerard took a second to glance at them both, expecting them to stop him the moment he moved closer to Frank. 

They didn’t. Not even when Gerard got down onto the mattress, moved close to Frank, and laid his hand on his shoulder.   
Frank flinched, and curled up tighter.   
“Frank.” He said, softly. “It’s okay, it’s me.” 

Frank pushed himself up, with difficulty, his body felt heavy, not in his control.   
He didn’t lift his head, or look at Gerard, but he moved close, and buried his face against Gerard’s stomach.   
Gerard pulled him closer, his arms wrapping around Frank’s body, felt him shaking, heavily.   
He tried to coax Frank to look up, but Frank refused.  
“Don’t.” Frank said, brokenly. “Don’t look at me.”  
“It’s just me, Frankie. Please, let me see. Let me know you’re okay?”   
He already knew he wasn’t, but not knowing the extent was even worse.   
Frank shook his head. “No. No.” His voice was almost a cry.   
Gerard pushed him back, just slightly, taking Frank’s face in his hands, making Frank look up at him. 

Tears stained Frank’s cheeks, and his eyes were wide, full of hurt.   
There was something else wrong with those eyes too.   
Gerard pulled him closer again, and held him, tightly. “Oh shit. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Frank. I should’ve… I shouldn’t have taken so long.” 

“You’d have been too late whatever happened, saviour.” Saint Jimmy said, calmly, from his new position on the couch.   
Gerard refused to look at him.   
“Moment he got here, Frankie was practically begging for his drugs. Tsk tsk, Gerard, keeping them from him so long. They’ve had quite an effect on him after all this time.”   
Frank looked up again, his eyes now pleading. “He- he’s lying Gerard! I didn’t! I didn’t want- I-”  
“Shh.” Gerard soothed, brushing his hand back through Frank’s hair. “I know, I know you didn’t.” 

“Oh, Frankie darling.” Saint Jimmy said, as if hurt, “Next you’ll be saying you didn’t enjoy what else I’ve given you.”   
Frank screwed his eyes closed then, and pressed his face once more against Gerard.  
Gerard held him tight, a hand on Frank’s back rubbing, soothingly. “What did he do, Frank? Has he hurt you?” 

Saint Jimmy laughed, shortly. “What’re you scared I’ve done, Gerard?”  
Gerard still did not acknowledge him in any way.   
“Are you scared I’ve got inside him? Made him mine again?”  
Saint Jimmy’s words were cold, and dripping venom.   
It sent shivers through both Frank and Gerard, as if it coursed through both of their bloodstreams as one.   
“I haven’t fucked him, angel. But he does remember who he belongs to.”   
Gerard tried to make sense of that, while at the same time he knew he really didn’t want to.   
He glanced down, saw Frank’s belt and jeans undone.  
He pulled Frank up a little, so he could whisper in his ear. “Frank, did he hurt you?”  
Frank took a second to answer, then he pushed himself up too, with help from Gerard, so he could whisper back.   
“It hurt because he was rough, but… But what he did… I still… Gerard I didn’t want to. I didn’t like it. I- I didn’t mean to, I didn’t mean to let you down like that. To betray you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

Gerard held him, understanding crashing over him.   
Saint Jimmy hadn’t fucked him. But he had forced himself on Frank. Had made him do something Frank felt ashamed for, hurt by.   
It was still rape.

“It’s okay.” Gerard soothed, quietly. “It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” 

“Oh, but he did.” Saint Jimmy’s voice once again reminding them the danger was far from past.   
Gerard looked up at the other man, but continued to hold Frank close, shielding him.   
“Which brings me to my next little order of business…” Jimmy looked over at Johnny, who attempted to look a little less sullen as he got to his feet.   
“I’d like a word with you, saviour.”   
He glanced at Frank, then back at Gerard. “Alone.”   
Frank gripped tighter to Gerard’s shirt, buried his face against his shoulder.   
Gerard’s hand rubbed his back, whispering soft sounds in his ear, trying to calm him. 

Saint Jimmy sighed, sounding very bored.   
“Johnny.” He commanded, simply.   
Johnny stepped closer, but Gerard angled his body so as to shield Frank further, keeping him away from the other man. Gerard looked up at Johnny, with fierce eyes. “You got him away from me before. Like hell am I gonna let you do it again.”  
To that, Johnny laughed. “Oh! You think that was me that separated you and Frankie back at your brothers apartment?” He laughed again. “No, no. Sorry to tell you. But two junkie kids managed to break your hold last time.”  
He darted forward, and grabbed for Frank’s shoulder, unsurprised to find his hand smacked away.   
Johnny raised an eyebrow, then grinned. One hand got a handful of Frank’s hair, while the other curled around Frank’s neck, fingers pressing lightly.  
A very stifled, frightened cry escaped Frank. And Gerard realised exactly what Johnny had done.

“Let him go, saviour.” Jimmy drawled. “Or Frankie darling will end up getting hurt.”  
Jimmy sat up then, swinging his legs down off the couch. “And that would make me very, very upset.”   
Frank reached, with shaking hands towards Johnny’s, trying to prise them off, finding Johnny only pulled his hair tighter, not yet increasing the pressure on his throat.   
Gerard wanted to help, to prise off Johnny’s fingers himself, but, he knew the second he let go of Frank would be the second he was dragged from him. 

When Frank let out an awful, choked sound, Gerard understood what was happening, and, without thinking, let him go, fearful of what Johnny would do to Frank if he didn’t.   
Johnny’s hand was removed from Frank’s neck, shifting position to his waist to lift him off the bed, and onto his feet, pulling him away. 

Immediately, Gerard was on his feet, certain he had to act fast.   
_I can’t let them take Frank away from me again. I can’t. I won’t!_

A surprisingly strong hand grabbed Gerard’s shoulder, and pulled him back, throwing him down on the couch.   
“He’s coming back, angel. I promise you that much, he’s just going to be right next door.” Jimmy told him.   
Frank was staring, wide eyed at Jimmy, his gaze glancing at Gerard, seeing how easily he’d been overpowered. Watching as Gerard slowly picked himself up from his sprawled position.   
_Alone._ The word rang in Frank’s head, bouncing off it, picking up more and more horrific ideas along the way.   
“Jimmy.” He said, his voice sounding quiet, thin. “Jimmy, please. I don’t know what you’re going to do, but please. Please don’t hurt him. _Don’t-_ ”  
Jimmy looked past Frank, straight at Johnny, “Restrain him however necessary.”  
He threw a small bag of something at Johnny, which Johnny caught, easily in one hand. “Calm him down if you need to.”  
Johnny nodded, already starting to pull Frank towards the door.   
He paused as Jimmy came closer, smiling, almost sweetly at Frank. He stroked his hand over Frank’s face, “I don’t want you getting upset and hurting yourself baby.”   
The look in Frank’s eyes was pure hatred.  
He spat in Jimmy’s face.  
Then he cried out as Jimmy slapped him, hard. 

Gerard was on his feet once more, shocked and enraged by what Jimmy had done, knowing he’d done worst in the past.   
But seeing it first hand was more than Gerard could take. 

The door slammed shut behind Johnny as he pulled the still struggling Frank out and into the next room.  
And Jimmy had turned before Gerard could get to him. 

Before Gerard knew what was happening, Jimmy had him slammed against the wall, arm across his chest, pinning him there. 

“Well now, Gerard. I think it’s time we got to know each other a little better, don’t you?” 

Gerard tried to push Jimmy off, but found it more difficult than he was expecting.   
Despite being skinny and almost fragile looking, Jimmy was strong it seemed. 

“I must say, I’m glad you turned out to be so pretty.” Jimmy said, his hand pushing back at Gerard’s hair, to get a better look at him.   
“I’d have been insulted if I’d found my Frank had abandoned me for someone ugly… Or even plain.”

“He didn’t abandon you! If anything, you left him to die. Not that I’m sorry for that. You know where I found him? Half dead and half frozen lying in the fucking alleyway! If I hadn’t taken him home, he-”  
“And why _did_ you take him home?” Saint Jimmy interrupted, with a small, knowing smile. “Surely, seeing the poor state he was in, the most sensible, most _noble_ thing to do would’ve been to take him to hospital, wouldn’t it?”  
Gerard shook his head. “I couldn’t. I knew he was on drugs, I didn’t want him getting into more trouble.”  
Saint Jimmy smiled. “Are you sure? Sure you didn’t just want to keep him all for yourself? C’mon, you can admit it to me, I know exactly how fucking tempting Frankie is. Bet you thought to yourself… If I keep him, if I look after him… He’ll be so grateful, he’ll do anything I want, hmm? How long after you got him ’clean’ before you had him looking after _you._ ”

Gerard felt sick, disgusted at what Jimmy was suggesting, at what he thought Gerard had wanted, what he had done.   
His mind flicked back, early on. Frank still thin and pale, but doing better.  
Offering Gerard payment.   
Getting on his knees, between Gerard’s legs.   
_“I’m good. Everyone always says so.”_ The words were still clear and painful.   
He closed his eyes.  
“That wasn’t what it was about.” Gerard insisted. “I just wanted to _help_. That was _all_!”  
“And yet…” Jimmy said, slowly. “And yet you made him fall in love with you. Don’t try to deny that as well, Gerard, because I fucking _see_ it in him!”   
Furiously, Jimmy pushed himself away from Gerard, and turned his back.   
Hands went to his hair, tugging at it. 

Gerard started to move away, edge to the door, but Jimmy moved swiftly, getting between him and his escape.   
Jimmy’s eyes were wild. “You took him from me, not just physically, but mentally too! He cried out for _you_ when I gave him his drugs again. And it was _your_ name he whimpered as I got him off.”  
Jimmy paused, laughed, clearly trying to calm himself. “Do you have any fucking idea what that does to a guy’s ego? Hmm?”

Gerard swallowed, hard, his eyes darting around the room, trying to figure out a different way out to the one behind Jimmy.   
“I’m sorry.” Gerard said, calmly. “But I didn’t force him to love me.” 

Again, Jimmy laughed, shaking his head.   
“I just want you to imagine it, just imagine this for a moment, saviour.” Jimmy said, moving closer again.  
Gerard stepped back, not looking behind him in his haste to get away from Jimmy and his scary, intense look. He tripped backwards, and fell onto the mattress, not given any time to right himself before Jimmy pounced, suddenly crouched, leaning over him, pinning him down.  
“Imagine how I felt… Waking up that morning. Finding Frank wasn’t laying, curled up like he usually was, next to me. Asking Johnny, hearing him tell me he hadn’t seen him since the night before. Waiting in, all day, waiting for him to show up. Going, to my bar, my second home, hoping, wishing he’d somehow ended up there, and not at home, safe in my bed. Finding he wasn’t there either. Asking around and hearing everyone tell me they hadn’t seen him. Sending people out, searching for him, and having no luck for fucking months! Can you imagine what that’s been like for me Gerard?”   
Gerard turned his face away, frightened by Jimmy’s anger.   
And trying to hide the fact that he was trying not to cry.  
Because yes, he could imagine that. He could imagine Frank being taken from him like that. It was what he’d been scared of, terrified of these past few days. That one day, somehow, he’d wake up and Frank would be gone, and he’d have no idea how to find him.  
Perhaps Gerard had underestimated Jimmy? Perhaps Jimmy cared more than Gerard thought?  
It still didn’t excuse the way he’d treated Frank. It didn’t matter how much he cared, it only mattered that he’d put Frank through hell.  
“I can.” Gerard replied, quietly. Then he turned his face to look at Jimmy. “And I am sorry you knew that pain. But honestly, I think you deserved it.”   
Saint Jimmy slapped him, hard, making him loose what little balance he had, he fell completely onto his back then.  
His hand going to his cheek, Gerard tried to push himself up, but Jimmy grabbed his shoulders, slammed him back down.  
Gerard closed his eyes as Jimmy came close, whispering in his ear. “I deserved it, huh? And just why is that, Gerard the angel?”  
“B-Because you hurt him.” Gerard replied, trying to force his voice to sound strong.  
“Because I hurt him? You ever think that I only hurt him because it better prepared him for the things everyone else would do to him, huh?” Jimmy challenged.  
“But… You did that to him too. You made him go and do those things. You let him get hurt.”  
“Only because he owed me for the drugs I gave him.”  
“You made him have those too!” Gerard argued. “You may not have forced them down his throat, but you were the one who got him hooked, so it’s as good as if you had. It’s your fault, Jimmy, all of it! Every scar he has, both physical and mental is your fault!” Gerard opened his eyes again, angry now. Remembering all the things him and Frank had had to go through, to get past, to get over the things Jimmy had done.  
“I hate you for it.” Gerard spat. “And you deserve every bit of hurt and sadness you’ve felt. And so much more.”  
For a long time, Jimmy just glared down at him, his eyes burning with rage. Gerard desperately wanted to look away, but he didn’t dare, he couldn’t back down, he wouldn’t.  
Then Jimmy leaned down again.  
And whispered in his ear, “What about what I think _you_ deserve?”  
Gerard felt himself go cold with fear.  
Saint Jimmy ran his finger gently, slowly down Gerard’s cheek. “You took my favourite boy away from me. Hid him away. Made him fall in love with you. Made him turn his back on me.”  
“I-”  
Jimmy clamped his hand over Gerard’s mouth before he could get any sort of protest out. “You’ve said quite enough, saviour.”  
Trusting that Gerard got the message, Jimmy removed his hand, once again stroking it across Gerard’s cheek.   
“I meant what I said earlier. You are pretty. I’d almost say prettier than my Frankie, and I’m sure you noticed, he’s quite beautiful.”   
Gerard didn’t say anything, didn’t dare, but he was fuming.  
 _He’s not yours!_   
“I think… I know exactly what you deserve, dear angel.”   
Jimmy grinned, waiting for Gerard to get it.  
He did, quickly.  
And he pushed Jimmy off him, ran for the door.  
Jimmy was quicker. 

By the time he knew what was happening, he’d made sudden, sharp contact with the floor, only just managing to brace himself so he didn’t smack his head on the floor, though a flash of pain ran from his wrist up to his elbow where he’d taken the impact.  
No time to register it though, as Jimmy was on him, pushing him down again.   
“Oh no, sweetheart. You don’t get up until I say so.”   
Still, Gerard tried to push himself up, against the force at his back.  
And that’s when he felt the first kick, right in his side, making him fall completely.   
“Obedience doesn’t seem to be your strong point, saviour… We’ll have to fix that.” Jimmy said, casually as he delivered another swift kick.  
That time Gerard used it as a reason to get up off the floor, pushing himself up quickly to avoid another kick.  
He’d moved away in time so Jimmy missed him, but had moved further from the door, back into the apartment.   
So all Jimmy had to do was get in front of him to block his escape.   
Jimmy’s foot on his back, shoving him, roughly down, then pressing a little to add to the pain.  
“Angel, angel, angel.” Jimmy said, sweetly as he crouched down, grabbed at Gerard’s hair and wrenched his head up, “You’re really not getting this, are you? You’re in my world now. My rules.”   
Gerard grimaced at him. “I’m not part of your world.” He snarled. “I came here to get Frank, that is it, neither one of us belong to your filthy world.”   
To that, Jimmy just grinned as he turned Gerard over onto his back. “Ah, like it or not… Frank does belong here. Clean him up all you want, feed him, clothe him nicely and brush his hair… Makes no difference. That bed over there’s been cold without him… Along with dozens of others… Waiting to be warmed by his hands and knees or back.”   
_“He doesn’t belong here!”_ Gerard screamed at Jimmy. “He doesn’t _fucking_ deserve to be treated like that! And I won’t let you have him, you can’t have him back, you _will not_ put him through that shit again! I won’t let you!”   
Saint Jimmy shook his head, tutting, disappointedly. “You’re forgetting… My rules. Means I win.”  
“Bullshit.” Gerard hissed.   
Jimmy frowned, but not like it was in response to Gerard’s words, more like he was considering something.   
His spare hand reached out, and one finger trailed up under Gerard’s chin.   
Then traced Gerard’s jaw line, then over his cheek, brushing up into his hair, over his eyes, which closed involuntarily.   
Then Jimmy’s finger brushed over Gerard’s lips, then his thumb did the same thing.  
“You’re wrong.” Jimmy said, softly. “You don’t see it, but Frank does belong here.”  
Then he leant forward, his lips unpleasantly hot against Gerard’s ear. “And… I think you do too.” 

Gerard went cold with fear at those words, but he tried not to show it. 

He was pulled up, onto his feet, but only for long enough that Jimmy could shove him back onto the mattress.   
Gerard just got himself turned around, pushing himself up, before Jimmy was once again on him, shoving him onto his back, then straddling him, hands on Gerard’s wrists, pushing him down into the mattress.   
“Eventually, dear Gerard. You might stop fighting me.”   
Jimmy bent down then, close, studying Gerard, almost thoughtfully.   
Gerard closed his eyes, and turned his face away, trying to hide his fear in defiance.   
He could feel Jimmy leaning closer though, then, in shock, Gerard opened his eyes, before closing them tighter as he felt Jimmy’s tongue trace his jaw line.  
Jimmy chuckled. “Oh look at this angel face, this… Beauty of a face. You look like artwork, angel, like a marble carving.” He paused to allow his tongue to trace along Gerard’s cheekbone. “Sculpted.” Jimmy added.  
Then, moving Gerard’s arms up, so he could grab both wrists in one hand, Jimmy used the other hand to reach into Gerard’s hair, playing gently at first, winding it around his fingers, stroking it. Then grabbing handfuls and tugging, gently at first, then harder, until he made Gerard cry out.  
“Your hair provides a lot of fun too… Gives just a hint of femininity at this length… But not too much.”   
Jimmy grabbed Gerard’s chin, forcing him to face Jimmy again.  
“Eyes, my saviour angel, let me see those eyes.”   
Gerard kept his eyes firmly closed, refusing Jimmy what little he still had control over.  
Jimmy tutted. “Fine. I’ll wait.”   
Then his fingers traced over Gerard’s lips once more.  
“These are prettiest of all… Enough to make someone want to kiss you… And not stop.”  
Jimmy leant down again, pausing just short of kissing him.  
“Enough to make someone wonder how sweet they’ll be around a dick.”  
Gerard’s eyes flew open when he felt something pushed past his lips. Relived to realise it was only Jimmy’s fingers.  
“Ah! And there’s those eyes.” Jimmy exclaimed, sounding pleased and excited. “Oh, darling, you’ll make even the most self-hating self-denying bastards want to face you. They’ll all want to see those lovely eyes.”  
It was then they Gerard realised exactly what Jimmy was doing.  
He was assessing him, evaluating him.   
Figuring out if Gerard would make good money for him.   
It seemed like Jimmy was coming to the conclusion that, yes, he would. 

It was with a sickening feeling that Gerard noticed that Jimmy was actually sliding his fingers in and out of Gerard’s mouth.  
It wasn’t much of a stretch to figure out what Jimmy was really thinking.

“Oh, and this mouth… Yes, you’ll make people very happy with this mouth.”  
Then Jimmy bent down, whispered in Gerard’s ear, “I think, possibly you’ll even be as good as darling Frankie at pleasing people with your mouth… The screams I’ve heard him get out of grown men-”  
Gerard snapped. The personal humiliation was bad enough, but dragging Frank back into this? 

Gerard realised Jimmy had actually put himself in a vulnerable position, without even meaning to.   
He bit down on Jimmy’s fingers, hard.  
The sound that emitted from Jimmy was awful, and loud. He sounded more like a wounded animal than anything.  
He jumped back, inadvertently letting go of Gerard’s hands.  
Once again, Gerard acted quickly, sitting up, pushing Jimmy backwards, trying to get to his feet, stumbling.   
Jimmy grabbed him before he even got off the bed. 

Gerard cried out as he felt a knee connect with his side, then hands grabbing his, twisting his arms awkwardly.  
He was back down, and Jimmy was leant over him again.  
Jimmy held up his fingers, and Gerard saw he’d drawn blood.  
He felt triumphant at this victory, until Jimmy grinned, maliciously and said, “Sammy trained you well, did he? You a little blood freak like him?”   
Then, his tone darkening, Jimmy continued, “Have you bitten darling Frankie? How many times have you made him bleed, hmm? Does he like it? Does he moan with pleasure as you lick at his wounds, wounds you created?”  
Gerard felt sick, as images of these things flashed, unbidden inside his head.  
He remembered things he’d done with Sammy, things Sammy had done to him, only now he was in Sammy’s place, and Frank was in his.  
Gerard shook his head, furiously, trying to vent his anguish into anger, into something more useful, to get himself away from Jimmy.  
“I never hurt him!” Gerard snapped. “I never did. I never could!”  
“Really? I find that hard to believe. You sure you don’t like the taste of blood?” Jimmy pressed his bleeding fingers to Gerard’s lips, whose first instinct was to bite down again, stopping himself, knowing it would be proving Jimmy right if he did. 

Instead he turned his face, a smear of blood left on the corner of his mouth, making him feel ill.  
“Oh. I see now…” Jimmy cooed, his hand once again brushing through Gerard’s hair. “It’s not my fingers you want…”   
Gerard’s eyes opened again as he heard something very disturbing.  
The slight clink of a belt buckle, then the sound of a zip.

Jimmy was shifting up, closer.  
Gerard closed his eyes again, turned his face, and clenched his jaw.

This. He could not allow. He couldn’t. It couldn’t happen. 

Jimmy grabbed his chin again, turning his face.  
Then his fingers were against Gerard’s mouth again, touching the corner gently.   
“Open.” Jimmy commanded.  
Not going to happen.   
He could feel Jimmy’s fingers trying to get past his lips again, trying to prise them apart.

Then Jimmy sat back, seemingly defeated.   
“I was sincerely hoping I’d discover if you were good enough before I started handing you out to clients… But never mind. If Frank enjoys you, you can’t be awful… Mind you the boy isn’t exactly picky.”  
Gerard went to protest, which part he was going to protest about, he wasn’t sure.  
He shouldn’t have fallen for it, it had been such an obvious trap.

It was not fingers in his mouth now.

Gerard felt a hand in his hair, now stroking through it.   
“Don’t even think about biting again, angel. Or I’ll bring Frank in here, I’m sure he’d like to see this.”

So Gerard restrained the urge to hurt this man in the only way he could see possible right now.  
And, unknowing he was using a technique Frank himself had used so many times, Gerard tried to zone out, and forget what was happening.

##

In the next apartment, Frank was still screaming.   
“Let me go Johnny! Let me go.”  
Johnny said nothing, only readjusted his grip around Frank’s waist, trying to bind his arms closer to his sides. But Frank was struggling more now, the drugs, slowly, slowly wearing off.   
Johnny was finding it hard to control him.   
“Johnny _please_!” Frank screamed.   
“Fucking hell, Frank! What you trying to do? Wake the whole fucking building?”  
Frank dissolved into tears then, becoming a dead weight against Johnny, making it difficult in a new way for Johnny to keep hold of him. 

Eventually, slowly, Frank’s tears stopped, though not completely.   
He sniffed, blinking tears away as best he could.   
“Johnny.” He said, quietly. “What’s Jimmy gonna do?”  
Johnny sighed. “He said he just wanted to talk, Frank, nothing to worry about, c’mon.”   
“Bullshit!” Frank yelled.  
“Fine!” Johnny snapped, loosing all patience. “You wanna fucking hear it? You _know_ what Jimmy does to people who cross him. And your precious Gee crossed him fucking big time.”  
“He was only trying to help, he only wanted to help me…” Frank sniffed again, helplessly.  
“Jimmy doesn’t give a shit about that. Far as he sees? Gerard kept you away. Now you gotta know that’s a high fucking offence in Jimmy’s books.”  
Frank was crying again now.   
“What’ll he do, Johnny?” Frank asked again.  
“Well… Way Jimmy was looking at him… I’d say Gee’s being recruited right about now.”   
“What?” Frank asked, confused.   
Johnny laughed, humourlessly. “Oh. I forget, you were treated differently to all the other boys. Recruited, Frank, means he’ll be making him one of us.”  
Johnny paused, the laugh more humorous now. “Sorry, I meant. One of _you_.”  
Frank took a few seconds to process that. 

##

Gerard was aware of the hand, tight in his hair, and of the weight on his chest.  
His hands were free, but useless. No matter how much he’d tried to push Jimmy away, it hadn’t worked.  
He was just desperate not to be aware of what Jimmy was doing, not to register the position he was in.

He could hear, all too clearly, the sounds Jimmy was making though.   
And he knew when Jimmy was close, because he said so.

Jimmy pulled out of Gerard’s mouth fast after he came, then clamped a hand over Gerard’s mouth.   
“Uh uh. No spitting. It’s not nice to spit. Take it down. Go on… One swallow and it’ll all be gone.”  
Gerard held off as long as he could.   
Eventually giving in as it became too difficult to breathe. 

Pleased, Jimmy lifted his hand, and sat back, smiling, proudly at what he’d done. 

Gerard coughed, violently upon being released.  
Then, twisting his body so he was leant over the side of the mattress, he was sick.

Jimmy tutted.  
“You and Frank have more in common than I realised… He couldn’t stomach it at first either.”

Gerard pulled himself back, wiping at his mouth, sitting up, he glared at Jimmy.  
“S- Stop talking about Frank like that.”  
“What?” Jimmy said, raising an eyebrow as he pulled out a cigarette from the packet he’d retrieved. “You mean truthfully?” 

Gerard shook his head, felt himself sliding down.  
He felt weak, helpless. 

“What’s the point in denying it, saviour?” Jimmy said, impatiently, as he lit the cigarette. “I’m sure he told you all about what he did, it’s not like you don’t already know he sucked men off to earn his living. It’s not like you don’t know he did much, _much_ more than that.” 

Gerard closed his eyes, hid his face in his hands. No longer fearing for himself, only feeling bad for Frank.  
“I bet he never told you he enjoyed it though.” Jimmy continued.   
Gerard slowly looked up then, appalled by what he was hearing.   
Jimmy grinned. “Ah, I see, he told you he hated it, right?”   
Gerard could feel a tight knot of disgust twisting in his gut. He’d be surprised if it didn’t make him sick, again.   
“Aww, no. Dear, dear Frankie liked his work. Everyone said it, how good it was to fuck someone who enjoyed being fucked so much. Of course, I didn’t just take their word for it. I got plenty of experience myself… Oh, he’d moan and moan… Music, baby doll. Music.”   
“He faked it.” Gerard replied, coldly. “He told me, he faked it. Every time. He pretended to enjoy it because he knew it’d be worse for him if he-”  
“Can’t fake come on the bed sheets, sweetheart. Can’t speak for the others, but he came every time he was with me.” Jimmy was smiling, nastily around the cigarette between his lips.   
“That means shit!” Gerard snapped. “That is just- That is just the body reacting, it has nothing to do with-”  
“Does that mean it means nothing when you’ve got him off too?” Saint Jimmy interrupted, calmly. “Don’t play innocent with me, I know you’ve fucked him, more than once, I expect. Tell me, were those orgasms faked then too? Were his moans as you fucked him all just pretend? No, really, tell me, because I’m interested how you can be so sure.”  
Gerard stared, steadily at Jimmy. “If you’d ever loved someone, the way I love Frank, you wouldn’t have to ask that.”   
A dangerous glint flashed in Jimmy’s eyes.   
Then he stubbed out his cigarette on the floor, moving closer to Gerard again.   
“I’m intrigued by your hypothesis, angel. The idea that coming is just a bodily reaction.” He said, calmly.  
A few seconds too late, Gerard realised he was in trouble again, he wasn’t fast enough to get away from Jimmy. 

A hand on his chest now, holding him down, as Jimmy undid Gerard’s jeans, and pulled them down, off.   
He gasped, delighted as he revealed Gerard’s cock.  
“Oh darling… You’re enough to make me wish I was a little more submissive. Damn, no wonder Frankie babe thinks he’s never got off before you.”   
Jimmy bent down, placing a kiss on the anatomy in question, making Gerard squirm uncomfortably.   
“Oh sweetheart, wait until my clients hear about you… You’ll have a waiting list as long as Frank’s.”   
Jimmy was touching him, lightly now.   
Gerard closed his eyes, trying to shut the feeling out, trying to deny it, deny Jimmy’s touch. 

##

Frank had struggled again, and, eventually he’d fallen to the floor, Johnny forced to fall with him, all the while keeping his hold.   
So, here, again, Frank cried, knelt on the floor, still trying to get out of Johnny’s grip.  
“Please, Johnny. Please, just let me save him.”   
Johnny shook his head. “I can’t. Even if I wanted to. I can’t… Go against Jimmy like that.” 

Frank sighed, letting his tears subside. “I never meant to come between you two, you know.” Frank said, quietly. 

Johnny didn’t answer at first. Then, eventually he said, “I know. But it never stopped me resenting you.”   
Frank nodded. “If anyone ever came between me and Gerard, accidentally or not-”  
Johnny laughed. “The only one coming between you two is Jimmy. And that’s only because what Jimmy wants, Jimmy gets.”   
Silent tears now, but no less painful.   
“Of course, Gerard doesn’t even want Jimmy. And neither do you… Although there was a time when you did.”   
Frank nodded. “I did. But… I still felt guilty.”   
Johnny laughed, softly. “Guilt don’t get you far with Jimmy.” 

Another silence.   
“Do you think Jimmy’s hurt him?”   
“You remember what Jimmy’s like, Frank.”   
Frank took in a shaky breath, trying to collect himself, get his head straight, figure out a way out of this, a way to make it better.   
All he could do was worry though.   
“He won’t… Johnny you don’t think he’ll… Not fully, right? He won’t…”  
“You trying to ask if Jimmy will fuck him or not?” Johnny said, bluntly.   
Then he sighed. “I don’t know, Frank, maybe. Have you heard Gerard scream yet?”  
Frank shook his head.  
“Then Jimmy’s probably not fucked him.”   
Frank slumped further forward, wishing he hadn’t just started to listen closer to the sounds coming from next door.   
“Make him stop, Johnny. Please. Or let me try.” 

##

Jimmy had sat back, just slightly, enough to be able to look down, and watch what he was doing.   
He was pleased to be getting a reaction out of Gerard.   
Feeling powerful as he felt the other man grow hard from his touch.   
Jimmy chuckled softly, then leant down, nuzzling at Gerard’s neck, enjoying the soft feeling of Gerard’s hair against his face.   
“Oh, angel, angel. Are you enjoying this? Or is this just a ‘bodily reaction’, like you said?”   
Gerard’s eyes were closed tight, as were his lips, pressed close together, turning almost white.   
Jimmy saw, and kissed at the corner of Gerard’s mouth. “Aww, darling. You’re denying yourself. Open that mouth, let yourself go. Go on, enjoy this. You know you are really.”  
Jimmy paused, waiting to see if Gerard would.  
When he didn’t, Jimmy turned malicious again. “Unless you’re not enjoying it, of course… Maybe you’re like my Frankie. Only happy when there’s something inside you, huh?”  
Gerard didn’t have time to process and protest what Jimmy had said before he was shoved, roughly, onto his front. A second to appreciate that Jimmy had, blessedly, stopped touching him.  
Then Gerard screamed as his world turned red with pain and fear.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Jimmy offers him the most awful choice, Frank must find his own strength.   
> But can he deal with the consequences?

Frank heard the scream, and moved, suddenly forward, closer the to wall that separated them, Johnny struggling to regain his grip on him.   
Frank started to scream Gerard’s name, his voice sounding raw, before Johnny clamped a hand over his mouth, stifling his screams, but not his sobbing.  
He fell back against Johnny then, crying so hard Johnny finally felt sorry for him and released his grip a little.   
“I’m sure it’s not that bad, Frank.” Johnny offered, soothingly.   
“Bullshit.” Frank spat. “You heard that as well as I did Johnny. You know what Jimmy is doing.”   
Frank cried harder, over come with grief.   
“How does this _not_ affect you, Johnny?” Frank demanded. “How do you not care that he’s doing that?”  
Johnny laughed, shortly. “I like how you assume I don’t care.”   
“You never stop him. You never stopped him from doing what he liked to me, even when you were in the same room.”   
Johnny tightened his grip on Frank’s arms then, digging into the skin. “You fucking enjoyed it, that’s why, little whore.”   
Frank just shook his head.  
“Fine! You know the reason I won’t stop him? Because I love him you fucking idiot! Do you have any idea the things I have done for Jimmy? The things I’ve given up? The things I’ve taken on? I would do _anything_ for him. I won’t stop him because he wouldn’t want me to, and I will not, cannot go against him like that.”  
Frank slowly quietened, and stilled.   
Eventually he said, very quietly. “If you don’t stand up to him, Johnny, how can you ever expect him to change?” 

##

It took Gerard about a minute for the red in his vision to fade, and allow him to think straight.  
When it did, he realised that though he was in great pain, Jimmy had not, like Gerard had feared, gone straight through with fucking him.  
It wasn’t Jimmy’s dick inside him, but his finger.  
Just his finger, only one.  
But with nothing to ease it in, it was causing more than enough pain all by itself.   
And Jimmy wasn’t being gentle with him.

“Oh now… Here’s the real prize.” Jimmy said, gleefully. “Tight as a sweet virgin, my God, reminds me of my first time with Frankie.”  
Then Jimmy bent down, leaning close to Gerard’s ear again. “Of course, Frank was a virgin when I first fucked him. Fuck, he was such a nervous little thing, had no idea what he could do. You were lucky, angel, you got him after he was all trained up and broken in.”   
Gerard didn’t reply, he couldn’t, he couldn’t do or say anything. He couldn’t move, and the pain had taken away all his spare breath, nothing left for speaking.   
“You know something though…” Jimmy continued. “Even after all the times I fucked him, and I fucked him a lot, I assure you. Every night. Every single night. He never stopped feeling good. He always felt so fucking _good_. It was a little miracle, really, no matter how many men got inside him, nothing ever changed that.”   
Jimmy paused. “Fuck… I can’t wait to get inside him again.”   
A small sob escaped Gerard then, nothing to do with the pain now, it was the knowledge that Jimmy was going to hurt Frank again, and the casual way he talked about having hurt Frank before.   
“Aw, angel, angel.” Jimmy cooed.   
Somehow Gerard managed to concentrate enough on Jimmy’s words to know his tone was mocking. The word ‘angel’ sounded snide and cruel. Like a put down.   
“Do you not like thinking about how many men have fucked dear Frank? Like to pretend you’re the only one?”   
Jimmy was close to Gerard’s ear again, his breath uncomfortably hot. “You’re far from it, saviour.”   
Then Jimmy pulled back a little, still holding Gerard down, though he had no need to, Gerard couldn’t move if he wanted to.   
“You’ll see. You’ll see how popular Frankie is. Who knows… Maybe you two will be my little dream team. I could offer a little something special, couldn’t I? How would you like to work with Frankie, hmm? You could watch him get other men off, while you help him do it. What’d you think? Maybe some people would just like to watch you fuck him. I’ve got all kinds of clients.”   
Gerard felt sick now, imagining it, knowing Jimmy wasn’t bluffing, knowing he meant it.   
He couldn’t stand it, couldn’t bare to imagine it. The thought of being used like that was bad enough, but to be witnessing Frank being used in the same way, at the same time?   
Being part of a performance?   
What would happen to them? What would become of the relationship they shared? It would become rotten and twisted, all part of Jimmy’s sick game. 

Gerard had to try and force himself not to be physically ill again as Jimmy shoved a second finger into him, moving faster.  
He noticed the fingers were sliding easier now. And Gerard knew why.  
Jimmy was using his blood as a twisted kind of lubricant.  
Gerard retched, almost disappointed when he wasn’t sick. 

When the pain got worse, again, Gerard’s head felt too light and spinning to properly concentrate. He felt like he would pass out soon, he actually hoped he would. But still, he understood, he knew what was happening. This was it, truly now. Truly the worst it could be.

There was a clarity to his mind, not realising something, somewhere inside his head had finally snapped, and he was no longer, mentally in this place, no longer with Saint Jimmy.  
He was home, and he’d given up asking Sammy to stop, he went still, and hoped Sammy would be done with him soon. He could cry once Sammy was asleep. 

Then, he heard a voice, hissing in his ear.  
“I wish Frankie could see you now.”

And he was back in the present, in reality, but barely conscious.  
 _Frank, I’m sorry, I love you. I love you, I promise._

He had no idea the words had escaped his lips too, before blessed darkness took over.

###

Frank didn’t remember how or what lead up to him getting free. All he knew was, suddenly, he was out of Johnny’s grip, and scrambling to his feet, tripping in his haste to get to the door. 

He didn’t know if he’d finally fought Johnny off, or if the other man had given in and let him go.  
He didn’t care, it didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was getting out of that place, and back to Gerard. 

He didn’t care what Jimmy had done, didn’t care how much Jimmy scared him, the hold Jimmy had on him that even now, even now Frank could still feel--  
He knew Jimmy had hurt Gerard.   
That was all he needed to know. 

Frank’s hands slipped on the door handle, realising they were hot and clammy.

He burst into the room, almost falling in with his haste.

He stopped dead when he took in the scene before him. His heart stopped, and shot into his mouth.   
His brain couldn’t process what he was seeing. Or, really, it didn’t want to. 

Saint Jimmy was just getting up from the bed, his hand reaching for the pack of cigarettes beside the mattress once again.   
He glanced, casually behind him, unperturbed that Frank was now in the room, it seemed.   
Saint Jimmy grinned.   
Then, slowly and pointedly, he bent back down, to wipe his fingers on the already stained bed sheet.  
Frank watched him straighten up once more, the cigarette going between his lips as he snatched up a lighter from the floor. 

Then Frank’s eyes settled to the bed.  
He didn’t want to, he knew he didn’t, but he had to. 

First he saw the smear Jimmy’s fingers had left.   
Bright red blood.

Then he took in the shape beneath the sheet.  
Curled up, tight, as if to protect himself, though any attempt of that was useless at this point, with the sheet thrown, carelessly over him, laid Gerard.  
His face was half buried against the pillow, while his hair covered yet more. It looked knotted, and damper still than it had when he’d first come through the apartment door.   
His eyes were closed, not tightly in denial, it almost looked like he was asleep.   
That terrified Frank, almost most of all. 

Frank made a move forward, jolting when he felt hands grab his shoulders, hold him back.   
Jimmy had got behind him somehow.  
And now the hateful man leant forward, resting his chin against Frank’s shoulder, breathing hot, smoky breath against Frank’s neck.  
“He looks angelic, doesn’t he?” Jimmy asked, his voice almost soft.   
Frank could feel himself shaking. Though whether it was with fear or rage, he couldn’t tell.   
“Of course… Fallen angel fit’s the bill better, but you get my meaning.”

Frank just stared, stared at Gerard’s face, wishing, willing him to open his eyes.  
“What did you do?” Frank asked, his voice hushed, and cold.   
Jimmy chuckled.  
“I tested him out, oh Frankie love, now I see why you were so desperate to get back to him. Now I see it. Tell me, promise me you didn’t just service him? Promise me you’ve had the pleasure of that mouth. Tell me you got inside that-”

With more force than he knew he had, Frank shoved Jimmy off him, and bolted forward, towards Gerard.   
He felt Jimmy try to grab him, but he moved too quick.

It was with care that Frank knelt down on the mattress, and moved towards Gerard.  
He hesitated. He understood what had happened. And though the one thing he badly wanted to do was comfort Gerard, hold him close, Frank was terrified of scaring him.  
He reached out a shaking hand, pausing before finally pushing back Gerard’s hair from his face.  
Gerard didn’t move, didn’t seem to react.  
And now Frank understood even better.  
He’d passed out. Through shock and pain of what Jimmy had done, Gerard had passed out.  
Frank remembered the times he’d nearly done so, on nights when Jimmy felt particularly careless.

And now the tears came again, wracking his body, doubling him over, over Gerard, protectively, though he knew it was too late for that.

His entire body shaking, Frank pulled Gerard close, awkwardly up onto his lap, not unlike what Gerard had done for him, only a little earlier.  
The parallel scared Frank too.   
_Please Gerard, please don’t leave it to me to be the strong one. You know I can’t._  
It was selfish, but Frank couldn’t help it. 

He looked up, and saw Jimmy, lazing on the couch once more, casually inspecting the slowly burning cigarette between his fingers.   
Jimmy glanced over. “Sammy was right about him.” He said, simply.

Frank’s lip curled into a snarl, and his eyes flashed with fury.  
“You sick, sadist _bastard_!” 

In seconds, Jimmy was on his feet, coming towards them both.   
Frank pulled Gerard closer, instinctively. Knowing, deep down, that he couldn’t even protect himself from this man. 

Jimmy crouched down, so he was level with Frank. 

“Is that really what my Frankie thinks of me?” Jimmy asked, his head tipping slightly to the side as he frowned. “Or are you just sad and angry at me?” 

“Neither of those words come close to what I fucking think of you.” Frank snarled.

Jimmy’s gaze left Frank’s then, wandering, lazily towards Gerard again.  
His hand reached out, to Gerard’s face.  
Frank smacked his hand away before he got close.  
“I’m not letting you touch him.” He hissed.

Jimmy looked up again, his face one of fake shock, and his hand went to his mouth.  
Frank saw the blood beneath Jimmy’s nails, and felt sick.  
“Oh. But I already did.” Jimmy said.

Then Jimmy glanced down, before getting to his feet once more.  
“He’s waking up.” Jimmy said, as he walked back to the couch. 

Frank looked down then, just as he felt Gerard starting to move against him, stretching a little.   
Then, becoming more aware, Gerard started to struggle, to try and get away from Frank, get out of his hold. Gerard’s hands pulled at Frank’s arms, then pushed at him, trying to get free.  
Frank loosened the hold very slightly, to avoid Gerard injuring either of them. Then he bent down and whispered, gently, “Gee. Gee, it’s me, okay? It’s Frank. Calm down, please. I’m not going to hurt you.”   
Gerard looked up then, his eyes wide.  
God, it hurt to see those eyes. They looked hopeless and hurt, hurting so much.  
But, somewhere, somewhere in there, Frank could see relief. And, fuck, that hurt so much too.   
Then his face was buried again, against Frank’s stomach, yet another parallel from earlier, a cruel twist of fate.   
Gerard didn’t cry, but he was shaking, heavily.

Frank closed his eyes, tight, bowing his head.   
He hadn’t meant for this to happen. He hadn’t meant for Gerard to get caught up in this awful, toxic world.   
Part of him wished Gerard had just let him go, let him be taken. Given up. Yes, Frank would’ve been stuck here, dragged back into this awful world. And he would have missed Gerard. He’d missed him so much already, so much it hurt.  
But at least Gerard would’ve been safe.  
But, because he knew how much it hurt to miss Gerard, he guessed it must’ve hurt that much for Gerard too.   
Of course Gerard wouldn’t have given up.   
He’d had to try. 

Frank looked up again, at Jimmy. He was sprawled on the couch again, one leg propped up, the other dangling down. Cigarette smoke floated around him.  
“Let him go, Jimmy, please.” Frank said, his voice quiet, pleading.   
Jimmy looked over, a small grin on his face. He looked amused.   
In front of him, Gerard pushed himself closer to Frank, then he shook his head. Gerard looked up. “Not without you.” He said. “Please, not without you. What- What’s the point if I leave you behind?”   
Frank couldn’t bare the hopeless tone, the hopeless look. He shook his head and closed his eyes.   
He stroked his hand through Gerard’s hair, and the way Gerard jolted away from the touch made him hot with anger and fear.  
 _He did this. He did this to you too._  
“You tried, Gee. You tried. It doesn’t make sense for you to stay because I can’t leave.”   
Gerard nodded. “Yes it does.”   
Frank had to clench his jaw to stop himself from screaming. “Gerard! You don’t understand. You don’t know, you don’t know what you’ll be getting into. I won’t have him, _them_ ruin you like that! No!”  
Jimmy’s soft chuckling made Frank snap his head up, glaring at the hateful man.   
“You would find this funny, wouldn’t you?”   
Saint Jimmy shrugged. “I don’t find it so much funny as ridiculous… The fact you’re both so willing to throw yourselves on the fire for each other is… Well. It’s fucking absurd!”

Frank’s lip curled. “You’re so stupid. So _fucking_ stupid! You don’t understand a thing! You can’t even begin to process what could drive a person do to that, can you? It’s _love_ Jimmy! Something you’re too fucking blind to see.” 

Jimmy turned his head, his eyes meeting Frank’s dead on. “It’s foolishness.” He said, coldly. “You say love? I say those in love are the ones who are blind.” 

Frank shook his head, a soft, humourless laugh escaping his lips. “You don’t even see there’s someone who would do anything for you, do you?” 

Saint Jimmy ignored that statement, swinging his legs off the couch, he sat forward, his elbows on his knees, while he rested his chin on folded hands, studying the couple before him.   
Finally, he grinned, lifting his head once more.   
“Okay, Frankie. I’ll offer you this proposition… I will let you, and your darling angel go. I will let you walk out that door without protest. I will allow you to go, live your happy, perfect little lives together, I won’t even try to follow you or find you again.”

Frank waited, knowing there would be a catch. 

And, sure enough, Saint Jimmy’s grin widened, grew wicked. “If you prove your love and devotion to him, and fuck him.” 

Frank stared for a second, trying to process that. He felt Gerard push closer, curling up tighter beneath his arms. A soft cry was muffled against Frank’s stomach.  
“No.” Frank said.   
Saint Jimmy shrugged. “Well then… I guess that’s settled, you both stay here.”   
“No!”   
“It’s one or the other, Frankie darling.” Saint Jimmy said. “Either you stay here, or you get yours and your sweethearts freedom by proving your love to him. Now, really, I think I’ve been quite kind here. All I’m asking you to do is have sex with your _boyfriend_ , how bad is that really?”

“You’re asking me to hurt him!” Frank snapped. “You _know_ he’s in pain, because you’re the one who did it to him. You are asking me to add to that pain!”

Saint Jimmy’s eyes were cold and serious. “No. I’m asking you to claim him.” 

Frank clenched his jaw, then nodded. “Like you claimed me?” 

A smile spread across Jimmy’s lips. “You were always mine, Frankie, everyone knew that.”

Frank shook his head, looking away now, he couldn’t cope with this. He couldn’t even handle the idea of…

“Frank?” Gerard’s voice was quiet, shaky. He was pushing himself up now, wincing as he did.   
“Frank… I… I trust you. You won’t hurt me. I won’t fight, it won’t hurt if I don’t fight.”   
Frank screwed his eyes tight closed, understanding what Gerard was saying, but, once again thinking Gerard didn’t understand what he was doing.   
Frank shook his head. “I can’t. Gerard, you know it doesn’t work like that.”   
His gaze involuntarily flicked over to the sheets. Saw the blood. Fuck, was there more? He was imagining that, he had to be. Had to be. 

“You see, Frank.” Jimmy said. “Gerard is willing to do what he has to to save you both. So perhaps it really is that you don’t love him as much as he loves you.” 

Frank glared at him. “Shut up. Just shut up! You know nothing! Nothing!” 

Jimmy was on his feet suddenly. “I know that I have given you a choice, a chance to get you and your apparent beloved out of the life I put before you, and though you profess you would do anything to keep him safe, you refuse the terms I have given you!”

Tears were stinging Frank’s eyes now. He would, he would to anything to save Gerard, to help him. But hurting Gerard himself? No. He couldn’t. 

Frank looked down at Gerard, brought his hands up to Gerard’s face, guiding him to look up at him.   
Now, he saw, Gerard was crying.  
So, despite the brave, sure words, Gerard did understand.   
And now Frank truly did question if perhaps Gerard did love him more. Was Frank refusal really because he couldn’t bring himself to hurt him? Or was he just too cowardly?   
“Gee.” Frank said, softly, the words gaining a jaggedness with his tears. “Gee. If I do this… Would you really be able to forgive me? Would you really be able to promise me I wouldn’t loose you?”   
Gerard didn’t answer, he buried his face again, letting out a soft scream. 

“You’re being selfish.” Jimmy said. “You condemn the one you love to the life you say you hate so fucking much! And all because you are too cowardly to perform a simple act to stop it. You will allow others to perform that act upon him instead? You would rather they had him, rather than have him hate you for doing it yourself?” 

“Shut the _fuck up_!” Frank was shaking now too. Unable to think, unable to process what to do. How best to get them out of this.   
Frank looked down at Gerard. Pushed his hand through Gerard’s hair, felt the man flinch beneath him once again.   
Frank closed his eyes, trying to make himself forget the situation they were in, trying to imagine they were both safe.  
Back home. Back in Gerard’s apartment. Safe behind a closed door, under soft, familiar bed sheets.  
He placed his hand on Gerard’s shoulder, then, slowly, slowly, ran his hand down Gerard’s arm.  
His hand was shaking, worse than anything else. Frank kept his eyes tight closed, trying to enforce his idea that everything was okay, there was nothing dark and dangerous about this situation.   
His hand slipped beneath the sheet, which was bundled and tangled loosely around Gerard’s waist.   
His fingers barely touched Gerard’s leg, before the other man kicked out, suddenly, in fear.   
Frank snatched his hand away, bringing it back to Gerard’s face.   
“Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I can’t. I can’t.” Frank whimpered. 

They heard the soft chuckle coming from across the room, but neither reacted to it.   
Neither cared. Not anymore.   
“I won’t do it again.” Gerard promised. “I’ll… I can keep calm. Okay?”  
Frank shook his head. “I can’t.”  
“Frank. _Please._ If it gets us out.”   
Frank shook his head. “Gee. Please stop. I can’t do it.”   
“So what?” Gerard tried to make his voice sound angry, but it just came out strained. “You’re just gonna give up? You’re just gonna go back to that life? You’re gonna go back to being a drugged up-”  
He stopped himself, unable to say it. Still unable to hurt Frank like that.   
“You can say it, Gee.” Frank said, softly. “I don’t care. It’s still not going to make me hurt you.” 

“I-- I can’t…” Gerard’s voice was quiet once more, and soft, almost distant. “I can’t… Let him do it to you again. You’ve-- Done so much to get over it…”  
Frank shook his head. He couldn’t even answer Gerard anymore. The enormity of what was being asked of him made him feel like he was suffocating. 

And yes, part of him was, perhaps, being selfish. He couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand the idea of getting them out of here, and Gerard never being able to forgive him for what he did.   
Never being able to forgive himself.   
But, equally, how could he expect Gerard to forgive him for not getting him out of this? 

And, fuck… What about Mikey?  
Either way, whatever outcome, he would never forgive Frank for what happened to Gerard. 

Faced with such bleak and torturous options, Frank did the only thing he could, burying his face against Gerard’s shoulder, then turning to nuzzle closer to his neck.  
Trying to forget the bad things surrounding them. 

He felt Gerard sigh, heavily, and wrap his arms tighter around him, squeeze him gently.  
For that moment, things did seem normal. 

It was wrecked almost immediately.  
Saint Jimmy was off the couch, and before them once again.   
With the strange strength he possessed, Jimmy tore them apart, even as hands grasped for one another again.

“You’re taking far too long about this Frankie.” Saint Jimmy chided.  
With one hand, he held Frank back, gripping his shoulder.   
With the other, he pushed Gerard back down, on his front on the mattress once more.   
A sharp push sent Frank falling back, who attempted to steady himself with his hands, and having to take a moment to regain his balance.  
Jimmy achieved a lot in that moment.   
Not only did he position himself perfectly between Gerard and Frank, he also pinned Gerard down, a hand at the back of his neck as Jimmy loomed over him.   
He’d also pulled back the covers, revealing the exposed lower half of Gerard’s body.   
Frank quickly pieced together what was happening. What Jimmy was planning.   
He pushed himself up, grabbing at Jimmy’s arm, pulling it away just as his hand started to push up Gerard’s shirt. 

“Leave him alone!” 

Somehow, Jimmy used Frank’s own attack against him, twisting his arm out of Frank’s grip, and grabbing him by the wrist. 

So Frank lashed out with his other hand, grabbing at Jimmy, pulling him back, all the while he himself struggled to get free.

Gerard pushed himself up, the shock of the sudden attack wearing off, no longer caring about any other pain he might be in, knowing, very clearly knowing, that if he didn’t move, if he didn’t get Jimmy off of him, things were about to get worse.   
A weight came down on Gerard’s back, painfully.   
Jimmy had pushed himself up, slamming his knee into Gerard’s back, holding him down further.   
His hands were free, but useless to push himself back up with the extra weight.  
Instead he tried to prise the fingers at the back of his neck off, finding only that Jimmy tightened his grip as he did so.   
He could hear Frank screaming, yelling, cursing at Jimmy. Alternately begging and threatening Jimmy to leave Gerard alone.

Then, without him even registering the pain, unable to, Gerard cried out as his already bloody body was abused again. 

Frank had screamed his voice to hoarseness, he’d scrapped and tugged and pulled and scratched at Jimmy’s clothes, hair, and skin so much he could feel the man embedded under his finger nails. He’d struggled and tried to get Gerard free, or at least free enough to give him more breathing room.   
He’d been so caught up in fighting, desperately fighting for Gerard, at first he didn’t register what’d happened. 

Frank had tried not to look at Gerard. The grief and fear was too overwhelming, he hadn’t been able to deal with it, he knew, if he looked, he’d be unable to carry on fighting. He’d only want to stop and sob.  
But, he’d caught glimpses.  
He understood, more clearly, the suffering Jimmy had caused. 

And now, with the few seconds given to process, he knew what Jimmy had done next.   
He didn’t dare look, he didn’t want to confront what’d he’d done, but he knew.   
Jimmy’s hand still held Frank’s wrist, tightly.   
And, during the struggle, he’d managed to guide Frank closer to Gerard.   
To shove Frank’s fingers inside the other man.

It was horrifying, not least because now Gerard had gone so very, very still. 

Frank tried to pull back out, fight against Jimmy, but it wasn’t happening, Jimmy wasn’t letting him move. 

Frank could sense Jimmy turning, looking at him, leaning in close. 

“See, Frankie, not so difficult, is it? Not now I’ve got you started.” 

A wave of awful, and crushing understanding flooded over Frank at that moment.   
His voice was quiet and hopeless.  
“You’re still not going to let us go.” He said.  
“Even if I-- Even if I have sex with him… You’re not going to let us go.” 

Frank didn’t have to open his eyes, he could _feel_ Jimmy’s smirk.   
“Do you really want to risk the possibility I will?” He asked. 

Beneath them both, Gerard whimpered, quietly.  
Frank wished he had words to comfort him with. But he was now the cause of Gerard’s pain.   
And, it was becoming clear, he would become more so too. 

“C’mon Frankie.” Jimmy cooed. “I know he showed you how to do this. I know you know how to fuck him. It’ll be so easy.”  
Jimmy twisted Frank’s hand, making both Frank and Gerard cry out.  
“You’re hurting him now anyway.” Jimmy continued, as Frank tried to calm himself, refocus, figure a way out of this, trying not to pay attention to the shallow, pained breathing coming from Gerard.   
“Might as well cause a little more… And possibly get you both out of here.” 

Frank wanted to fight, to stop this.  
But it seemed he had run out of options, and out of time.   
His entire body felt like it slumped as he gave in.

Saint Jimmy sensed it before Frank could say anything.   
“You promise you’ll let us go?” 

Jimmy took a long time in answering. 

Then Frank felt the hand that’d held his wrist lift up, under his chin.   
And then Saint Jimmy’s lips on his own. First soft, gentle, and as loving as Jimmy ever got.   
Then the hand under his chin reached up, grabbing at his hair as Jimmy kissed him deeper, hotter, his tongue teasing between Frank’s lips, then pushing in.  
Frank let it happen, feeling powerless to stop it, and ashamed.  
It was silent tears that rolled down his cheeks now.

When Jimmy finally broke the kiss, he leant close to Frank’s ear. “You see, you’ll always be mine, Frank. You will _always_ belong to me.” 

As Frank felt his jeans being undone, for the second time already. He felt swallowed up in desperate shame and darkness.  
But, he’d made a decision, one that neither Jimmy or Gerard knew, though he knew Gerard would be upset with him for it.   
Frank had decided after this, after he did… What he had to. He would stay here. He would earn Gerard his freedom, but not take his own.   
_I’m sorry Gerard, but I can’t, not after I do this. I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve the forgiveness you’ll give me, and, though I’ll deserve the way you’ll always flinch from me, how you’ll always be scared, always be reminded of what I did, I can’t stand it. I’ll stay here, and return to the wretched life you tried to save me from. I’m a coward, and I can’t bear to try and face you everyday after this.  
I can’t spend my days knowing you’re dying to tell me to leave._

He wanted to talk to Gerard, tell him he was sorry, tell him he loved him, try to make sure Gerard remembered that, at least, before this all happened, but with Saint Jimmy still looming, there was no way it could.   
These were the last moments before their relationship was shattered forever, and neither had the power to say goodbye. 

The apartment door opened, quietly, almost hesitantly, and the figure standing the other side of the door looked in just as hesitantly.  
Johnny saw the scene unfolding on the bed, the bed he still thought of as ‘his and Jimmy’s’, though he knew it was really ‘Jimmy and just about anybody’s’.   
His eyes narrowed, and his jaw clenched. He could feel a slowly simmering burn creeping through his veins.   
Johnny stepped inside, and slammed the door. 

“Jimmy!” Johnny yelled, from the centre of the living room, “That is _it_!”   
Frank looked up at the other man. He knew, and understood how angry Johnny was, these were traits Frank had seen often. The clenched hands, hunched shoulders, and wide, wide eyes.   
It was instinct for Frank to shrink away from him.   
Jimmy, however, looked up, entirely unfazed. 

“Oh.” He said, casually. “There you are. I would tell you how fucking useless you are for not being able to keep hold of Frank, but as you can see, I’m having more fun with him than without him.” 

Jimmy leant into Frank again then, “Now, don’t be shy, just because you have an audience, it’s only Johnny after all.”

“Jimmy!” Johnny snapped. “You’re not fucking listening! I told you this is it, this is _enough_ , Jimmy.” 

Jimmy looked up again, frowning now. “I don’t know what the fuck you think you’re going on about Johnny, but-”

“I’ve _had_ it, alright? I’ve had it with you and your fucking mind games and I’ve especially fucking had it with your fucking obsession with Frank.”   
Johnny paused, and laughed. “I mean, forgive me, but I don’t fucking get it, what is so fucking good about Frank anyway?” 

Jimmy slowly rose from the mattress then, his eyes narrowed and dark.  
Had Johnny not already decided he was seeing this through, he might have backed down at that point. 

“Okay, so he might be good in bed, but so _fucking_ what? All of the boys you own are good in bed, _it’s their fucking job, Jimmy_! So what makes him so special?” 

As soon as Frank realised Jimmy wasn’t there, next to him, wasn’t holding Gerard down, and was focused entirely on Johnny, he saw his chance.   
Frank leant down, beside Gerard, pushed back his hair. He could hear Gerard crying, softly into the pillow, so quiet he hadn’t noticed before.   
“Gee.” Frank whispered into his ear. “Gee, can you move? Can you sit up?”   
Gerard nodded, and started pushing himself up, as Frank helped him.  
Soon they were back to where they were before, Gerard partially on Frank’s lap, pressed close to him, face buried against Frank’s shoulder.   
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Frank said, in almost a mantra.

Meanwhile, the argument continued, and Jimmy, finally, answered Johnny. 

“He is special, he is different to the others, he is _mine_ solely!” 

“And, once again, this comes back to the fucking virginity thing, doesn’t it?” Johnny said, his lip curling. “Big fucking deal! So you were the one he lost his fucking virginity to, what the fuck does that matter? What? Do you think he loves you because of it?”   
Johnny pointed over at Frank and Gerard then, and, instinctively, Frank pulled Gerard closer to him, protectively.   
“You see that, Jimmy? You see the way they are with each other? Do you see the way he is fucking holding him? Did you see the way Gerard held him before? Did you see how the only way to get Gerard to let him go was fear of Frank being hurt? Do you fucking see the hurt in Frank’s eyes from what you were going to make him do? _That_ is who he loves, Jimmy. And that is who loves him. And you were going to make him do something… Unthinkable. Do you have any idea how fucking messed up that is?” 

Jimmy stood there, eyes slightly wide, stunned into silence as he listened to Johnny. 

“The worst thing is… I’m not even surprised! I’ve become so fucking _used_ to this, Jimmy, that it just seems normal to me. But, you know what? It never, never stops fucking hurting. Because I know you’d do anything, fucking _anything_ to convince yourself Frank fucking loves you, but you never see… You never fucking see you don’t even need him! If you crave love this fucking badly, Jimmy, why are you so incapable of seeing what’s in front of you?” 

Hot, angry tears were running down Johnny’s cheeks now, and, finally he slowed.  
He sighed, heavily, before concluding. 

“Fucking hell, Jimmy. Why do you never fucking see _me_?” 

Jimmy still didn’t move, he seemed frozen in place.  
Then he frowned, just slightly.   
“You think I don’t see you, Johnny?”


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the awful things Saint Jimmy has done, it is now up to Frank and Gerard to try and put the pieces back together.

Tense silence filled the dingy apartment, making the air seem heavy.   
Though Frank kept his eyes on Gerard, scared by how much the other man was shaking, his ears were almost painfully pricked, waiting for Jimmy to continue. Knowing that how this went would determine whether or not he and Gerard were getting out of there.   
He almost didn’t dare hope. 

Finally, Johnny gave up on waiting for Jimmy.   
“Well? You… You never-”

“I see you, Johnny. I pay attention to you, don’t I?” Jimmy’s head tilted a little. The look on his face was so unsettlingly unlike him. He looked confused. 

Johnny closed his eyes, tight, and shook his head. “Not when _he’s_ here you don’t.” He said, pointing at Frank.   
“When he’s here… I might as well be a ghost. But, you know what, I still helped you find him Jimmy, what the hell does that say? Why can’t you _see_?” 

The last word was almost screamed. Then Johnny sighed, and opened his eyes.   
“You know what? I don’t care about seeming strong anymore. I’ve tried to do it too long. And all the while I give… _Everything_ to you. I had a _life_ , Jimmy, but I gave up that life, that dream for you!”

Jimmy’s features darkened, his eyes narrowed. “I never asked you to do that Johnny. Since when have I ever held you to me? You’re free to leave, you know? There’s the fucking door!” 

Johnny shook his head. “You never held me to you, Jimmy? Really? How about the mornings when I’d leave, to see _her_ , my girlfriend? How about the times you’d scream at me for going? For leaving you? The way you’d throw things across the apartment because you were so angry at me for leaving? The way you’d hold me down, trying to stop me? The way you’d threaten to tell her what we were doing if I didn’t stay? Or, Jimmy. How about, when I finally said I was leaving for good? That it was the last time I was going to see you, and that I was going to live my life, with her. You screamed and yelled and cried and threw everything you could at me, and yet I still told you I loved you, and I was sorry.” 

Johnny paused, to take a breath, before fixing his gaze on Jimmy’s, seeing the fire in the other mans eyes, could feel him willing him not to say the next part. 

“How about the fact you tried to kill yourself when you figured out I really wasn’t coming back?” 

Frank looked up, suddenly, shocked by what he’d just heard.   
He looked between Jimmy and Johnny, trying to work it out, trying to figure out if it were true.   
Jimmy had his arms folded in front of him, his face turned away from them all. But his shoulders slumped. Something about that sent the very clear message. What Johnny had said was true. 

Johnny caught Frank’s gaze and nodded. “Alice found him. Stupid _bastard_ had cut himself to pieces, and had a gun to shoot himself.”   
Brief snapshots of memory flitted through Frank’s mind. Scars on Jimmy’s body that he’d never dared ask about, this finally explained them.  
Johnny snorted, dismissively. “Only he didn’t get to that part, because he got himself so fucking high first he couldn’t even get off the fucking couch!”  
Jimmy flinched.   
It was strange. So strange to see Jimmy like this, so… Weak. 

“Alice came and found me, she knew where I’d gone. I’ve… I’ve never seen Alice upset like that. She had a letter in her hand. He’d written me a _fucking suicide note_!” 

Johnny paused again, and closed his eyes. Then he laughed. “And, you know what? That’s the only time he’s ever had the guts to say he loves me. In his suicide note. How fucking messed up is that?” 

Jimmy said nothing, and still kept himself turned away from all three of them.   
Then, finally, Jimmy asked, quietly. “What do you want from me, Johnny?”

Johnny shook his head. “Not much. Just… Just you. I don’t. Don’t force me to be background anymore, please? I’d do anything for you. Just, just do this one thing for me?” 

After another seemingly long pause, Jimmy nodded. 

###

Saint Jimmy left the apartment, partly because, despite everything, he couldn’t stand to watch Frank leave, and partly because Johnny had made it very clear he had to. 

It was immediately obvious that Gerard wasn’t going to get far on his own. Even up on his knees he looked unsteady.  
“Okay, okay. I got you. Slowly. Don’t rush.” Frank soothed, quietly, both his hands in both of Gerard’s, trying to make him lean into him, to let Frank take his weight.   
“I just want to get out of here.” Gerard replied, his voice just as quiet, but sounding jagged, uneven.   
Frank nodded. “I know, me too.”   
He glanced down at the bed, which he’d ignored as best he could.   
His eyes caught sight of the blood on the sheets.   
Then the old, dried blood on the mattress.   
That was his, he remembered, from that first time he’d given himself to Saint Jimmy.  
He closed his eyes, certain he couldn’t possibly cry any more.   
“Believe me.” He said. “Me too.” 

Slowly, they got to their feet, Frank helping Gerard at every stage.  
Johnny watched, unsure whether to help or not.  
Still with Gerard leaning against Frank, the two of them headed for the door.   
Frank only stopped because he could feel Johnny looking at him, intently.   
He turned his head to look at Johnny, and waited for the other man to speak.   
It took Johnny a long time, but, eventually, he sighed.   
“Okay, look. Frank. I… I guess this is the last time I’ll ever see you, so…”  
“Don’t.” Frank said, bluntly, cutting him off. “Don’t give me any bullshit goodbye, Johnny, I don’t want it. I am grateful for what you just did, but we were never friends. Don’t pretend you’re not going to be happier with me gone.”  
Johnny closed his eyes, and nodded. “Okay. I guess that’s all true. But. I guess… I guess I wish things had been different, y’know?”   
Then he looked up, smiled, just slightly. “You’re pretty fucking amazing, Frank Iero. Under different circumstances… Maybe we _could’ve_ been friends.”  
Frank had nothing to really say to that, but he nodded in acknowledgement.   
He paused just long enough to ask, “Is Alice okay?”   
Johnny nodded. “Keeping low, away from Jimmy for a while. She misses you.”  
“I miss her.”   
They left after that.   
By the time they got back outside, it was actually starting to get light out.

A little down the road, and Frank was starting to really worry about how they were going to get home, he knew it would be too hard for Gerard, and he could feel the little adrenaline-fuelled strength leaving him.  
Then, looking more like a blessing then he ever had, Mikey could be seen coming down the road, running.  
Mikey stopped, abruptly when he saw the two of them. His hands went to his mouth, to his head.  
Even from a distance, Frank could see Mikey was both relieved to see them alive, but devastated to see the state Gerard, especially, was in. He came running again.

“What the hell happened?”   
Frank shook his head, trying to silence Mikey, even as Mikey took his brothers face in his hands, pushing his hair back, looking him over, eyes wide with what damage he could see.  
Gerard closed his eyes, and tried to get away from his brothers touch, though clearly slightly caught between that and wanting to collapse against Mikey.   
He was still trying to protect his brother, didn’t want him to see too much, to figure out too much.   
Mikey looked to Frank, and again asked, “What happened?”   
“Mikey, please. I’ll explain later, okay, we need to get Gerard home.”  
To that, Mikey nodded. “Okay, okay, Ray still knows to expect us, I told him there was something holding us up, but-”  
“I don’t want to go to Ray’s.” Gerard interrupted.   
Mikey looked surprised, but Frank wasn’t.   
“Okay.” Mikey said, calmly. “We can go back to my place and-”  
“Mikes.” Gerard interrupted, again, softly. “Listen to what Frank said. He said ’home’. That’s where I want to go. I want to go home. My home. Not anyone else’s, mine. I-”  
He broke down then.  
Both the other two were shocked, but it got Mikey back into action again.

Mikey hailed a cab, grateful that, at this time in the morning, the driver was hardly in the mood for conversation, and though he gave both Frank and Gerard a sceptical look, he asked no questions.

Gerard wouldn’t let go of Frank, and since Frank wasn’t exactly eager to let him go either, there was no arguments when it came to the two of them sitting in the back of the cab together.  
Gerard kept his face pressed against Frank’s shoulder, denying further tears, shaking heavily.  
The whole thing terrified Frank, but he was determined not to let that show. He couldn’t. He had to hold himself together, keep strong. It was important, Gerard needed him to. 

Mikey was more than glad that he’d been back to the apartment a few times since he’d first discovered it. Despite his promises to both Gerard and Frank, he couldn’t bring himself to leave it as it had been.   
He’d tided it, got rid of anything broken, replaced it with new stuff.   
Even the bedroom looked back to normal, which had taken the most work.   
It was a good job he had, because that was the first place Gerard wanted to go.   
“If I sleep… It’ll go away.”   
His eyes were already half closed at this point, so Frank didn’t feel so bad about the tears in his own eyes, Gerard couldn’t see them anyway.   
“Yeah, Gee. Sleep will be good for you.”  
Gerard pushed off his shoes of his own accord, and then got into bed.   
Frank was going to let him fall asleep like that, but then something came back to him, from the first time he’d woken up in that bed.   
“Gee. Hold on.”   
Gerard watched him, with tired, but trusting eyes as Frank sat beside him on the bed, pushed the covers back, and went to undo his jeans.  
Immediately, Gerard moved away.   
Frank closed his eyes. He’d partly expected that, but it didn’t make it any easier.   
“Gee.” He said, quietly, soothingly. “Please, I’m not going to do anything. But… It’s more comfortable, remember?”   
Gerard looked up at him, suddenly sat up, wrapped his arms around Frank, held him tight.   
Once again, they both lost their battle with their tears. 

“I love you.” Gerard eventually managed. “I love you, so much.”  
To that, Frank nodded, fiercely. “I love you too.”  
“Please. Please promise me you won’t forget that. Never forget that.” Gerard pleaded.  
His voice sounded so scared, so desperate, it only sent another wave of sadness over Frank, who cried harder.   
Gerard pushed him back, to look at him. “Promise me.” He begged.  
Frank nodded again. “Only if you promise you won’t forget either.”  
“I promise.” 

Gerard laid back down after that, got his own jeans off, under the covers, kicking them out so Frank would know he’d done it.   
Frank promised to stay with him until he fell asleep.   
“I’m here.” Frank said, echoing Gerard’s old words to him. “I’m here.” He whispered as he pushed his hand back through Gerard’s hair, with the realisation that the other man had finally fallen asleep. 

Mikey was waiting in the living room. Sat on the couch, staring at nothing.   
He looked up when Frank finally came out of the bedroom.   
He was rubbing at his eyes, pretending that he wasn’t. But it was obvious to Mikey that Frank had been crying.   
“How is he?” Even as he spoke, Mikey thought his own voice sounded too loud.   
Frank barely looked up as he walked over to the couch. “Asleep. Which is probably best, right now. If he’s lucky, he’ll be safe in sleep.”  
Frank sat down, heavily, didn’t look at Mikey, even though the younger Way brother was staring straight at him, or, possibly because of that.   
“Frank. Tell me what happened.” Mikey said, no room for arguments.   
Frank sighed. “Where do you want me to start?”   
“From the point where Gerard last saw you at my apartment.”   
Frank closed his eyes.   
Mikey’s apartment felt like it was a lifetime ago. 

He told him though, told him everything. About being taken back to Saint Jimmy, the awful things Jimmy had said about Gerard, how he’d tried to fight Jimmy, but had been overpowered, once again.   
Told him about the drugs, and everything else. He winced as he said it, terrified Mikey would hate the fact he’d come into contact with drugs again.   
But, when he dared a glance, the only thing he saw from Mikey was pity. He understood, he knew Frank hadn’t wanted it.   
Then he told about Gerard getting there. About Jimmy wanting to ’talk’ to him.   
How Frank had been dragged out of the room, kept away, how he’d struggled, tried to get back to Gerard.   
How he’d finally got free, got back to the room.   
How he’d been too late.  
Then, the bit that scared Frank the most to admit, but he couldn’t lie, he just couldn’t. Not to Mikey.   
He told Mikey about the proposition Jimmy had given him. The choices he’d been given, and how both outcomes had scared the life out of him.   
Frank had to stop again then. There were no more tears in him, but he shook with fear and grief anyway.   
Finally, Mikey’s voice snapped him out of it.   
“Well?”  
His voice was cold and hard, nothing like the voice he was used to hearing, Frank snapped his head up, and stared at him.   
“Huh?”   
Mikey’s eyes were, in contrast, hot and glaring.   
Frank decided, in that instant, that he never wanted to see Mikey this angry again.   
“Well? What did you do?” Mikey pushed, elaborating what he’d meant.  
Then, closing his eyes for a second, Mikey continued. “Frank. I don’t even want to think it. But going by what you just said, and the fact that you and my brother are now free…”  
Frank’s throat dried up. He knew now, exactly what Mikey was asking him. And, in truth, the answer scared him.  
In that moment, he was back in that apartment, faced with that awful decision, presented with the only way to get Gerard out of there. 

“No.” Frank said, quietly, unable to look at Mikey as he said it. His hands wringing, tightly together. He could feel the blood on his fingers again, even though he’d cleaned them off.   
“No, I didn’t. But…” His eyes closed, tightly, as he forced himself to admit the truth. “I was going to.” His voice came out as a whisper.  
“I was going to do it… To save Gerard, to get him out of there. I- I couldn’t see another choice. But I… I was going to stay, with Jimmy, after. I-- I couldn’t, I knew I couldn’t ever face Gerard again if I did.”

There was silence from the other man. Long, and cold.  
Then he felt Mikey get up from the couch, walk away.   
Mikey couldn’t stand to be near Frank right now, not now he knew. 

Frank didn’t move, he didn’t even look up. He curled in on himself, like he’d always used to.   
He wanted Gerard, arms around him, offering soothing words, hands only in safe places, and kisses placed, carefully on his forehead.   
But Gerard was hurting worse than him now, and Frank hated his own selfishness. 

After what seemed a very long time, Mikey came back over to the couch, and sat down once more.  
Frank dared a glance. Saw Mikey was sat almost as far away as possible, he wasn’t looking at Frank.   
“I’m not going to pretend to be okay with what you told me.” Mikey said.  
Then he sighed. “But… I know you’d never hurt Gerard, not if you had any choice. Frank… I trust you, so much, I trust you to look after him, to be good for him. And I know none of this was your fault but-”  
“I don’t expect you to forgive me for it.” Frank interrupted, quietly. 

His eyes flew open as Mikey grabbed him by the arms, and spun Frank round to face him.   
“Stop that. I don’t- I know you were doing what you could, to protect him, but…”   
Mikey trailed off, tears shining his eyes. 

Then Mikey pulled him close, and they embraced, tightly. Everything little thing they were both feeling was poured into and released in that hold they shared.   
And Frank knew, although he would never be able to be at peace with what he’d nearly done, Mikey understood the reasons behind it, and, despite insisting Frank didn’t need forgiveness, he gave it to him anyway. 

Frank explained the last of it then, about Johnny, how he’d basically saved them, as it were. 

Now, with the story told, the two of them fell into silence again.   
The whole thing was too big for words to fully cover. 

Frank was the one to first hear the sounds coming from the bedroom.  
Crying and muffled screams.  
Once again, his eyes closed. “I guess sleep isn’t a sanctuary for him either.”   
He went to get up, but Mikey held a hand out.   
“You’ve done so much tonight Frank. Let me look after him for a while.”   
Frank sat back down again, and let Mikey go.   
A few minutes later, Mikey returned, his head slightly down.   
“He asked for you.” Mikey said. “He… He said he needs you.”   
And though Frank felt bad for Mikey, he couldn’t deny Gerard’s wishes.

Gerard was curled up, tight on the bed, pillows and bed cover a mess around him.  
He’d managed all that in just over an hour.   
Frank sat on the edge of the bed, not daring to reach out.  
“Gee?”  
Gerard looked up, then moved close to Frank.  
“I can’t sleep.” He said, quietly.  
Frank nodded. “I know.”  
“He won’t go away.”  
That awful wave of sadness hit Frank again, even as he said, “I know.”   
“How did you stand it, Frankie?” Gerard asked. “How… He only hurt me once, and I feel like I’ve fallen apart. How… How did you survive it, Frankie? How did you survive him? He hurt you so many times. He did that over and over again. All the time, Every night. He told me. When he was doing it, he told me what he’d done to you. I never…”  
Frank’s eyes were shut tight now. He knew Gerard had no idea how much his words were hurting Frank, that he had no idea of the memories he was dragging up.   
He reached out now, and took Gerard’s hand, held it tight, brought it up to his lips, kissed it. “Shh.” He hushed, though it came out shakily. “Shh. That doesn’t matter. Stop thinking about it.”  
“I can’t help it.” Gerard said. “I… I fell asleep and… He was there. And it was like it was happening again only… It wasn’t me this time. It… It was you.”  
Frank pulled him close then, trying to ignore how much that effected him.   
“I saw it, Frank. I saw him… Rape you. And…-”  
“Enough, Gee.” Frank soothed, as best he could. “Please, that’s enough. It’s past, it’s all past. We don’t have to be scared of him anymore.”  
“When will he stop being in my dreams?”   
Frank didn’t know how to answer that.  
But then it came to him, and it was obvious.   
“Do you want to see if I can get rid of him?”   
Slowly, Gerard nodded.   
Frank slipped in, under the covers with him, and they curled up close together. 

Frank hated that Gerard was having to go through what he’d been through.   
He kissed Gerard’s cheek, carefully, and, once again whispered, “I’m here.”

Blessedly, Gerard found a peaceful sleep again then. 

###

Gerard spent the day drifting in and out of sleep, and Frank stayed with him the whole time. Holding him while he slept, soothing him when he woke, distressed and unsure of his surroundings. 

Mikey came in at one point, while Gerard was asleep.   
He stood in the doorway for a while, just looking in, observing the couple, curled up under the covers.  
Frank didn’t see him at first, his focus was entirely on Gerard. He was gently stroking Gerard’s hair back, while his eyes searched over Gerard’s face. 

Mikey stepped inside the room, and perched himself at the end of the bed.  
Frank looked up, briefly, and tried for a small smile.   
Mikey smiled back, and reached his hand out for Frank’s, which Frank took.   
They squeezed each others hands, just gently, an acknowledgement that this was hard for both of them, that they were there for one another. 

Mikey’s gaze remained on Gerard though.  
“How is he?” 

“Okay, mostly.” Frank replied, quietly. “Sleeping a lot, which is good.” 

“What about when he’s not sleeping?” 

Frank closed his eyes. “Scared.”

Mikey nodded. “Does he… Is he hurting? Has he said anything about being in pain?” 

“He’ll be hurting, but… I don’t think he knows it yet, the mental side is… That’s worse right now.”

“Should we be getting him to a hospital?” 

“Mikey… Does he look like he wants to go anywhere to you? And what can they do for him anyway?” 

Mikey nodded, he knew it too, but too many thoughts were running through his head all at once.   
He just wanted to help.

“How are _you_ coping?” Mikey asked, quietly.  
Frank shook his head. “Jimmy wasn’t that bad, not to me anyway, I was used to worse than that, I--”

“You can stop lying to me, Frank.” Mikey said, sternly. “I know it’s effected you. I know you’re terrified too. And, I was also asking…” He trailed off, biting his lip, nervously. “The come down must be bad.”

Frank had tried to ignore it, the pounding headache, the nausea. But yes, the drugs Jimmy had forced on him had worn off completely now, and his body cried out for more, once again.  
He closed his eyes. “I’ve handled worse.” Frank said.

Then he looked over at Mikey. “Thanks, for asking though.” 

###

The next time Gerard woke up, Frank had just drifted off to sleep himself.  
Somehow he sensed that Gerard was awake though, and opened his eyes soon after.

He offered a small smile, as he pushed back Gerard’s hair once more.   
“Hey.” Frank said, softly. 

Gerard gave a small, brief smile back. “Hey.”

Frank desperately wanted to ask how he was feeling, but he didn’t dare, knowing the question itself was too much for Gerard. Knowing it would mean Gerard would have to think about it.  
It would mean Frank would have to think about it.   
It wasn’t just Frank keeping Gerard’s nightmares away, Gerard was, again, keeping Frank safe too.

Frank leaned in, slightly, placing a kiss on Gerard’s cheek.  
The other man stilled, but made no protest.

Hesitating, Frank leant in again, a little closer. His lips hovered just above Gerard’s.  
He applied the very lightest amount of pressure, barely a kiss at all, then, as he started to apply slightly more, Gerard jerked away.  
Frank opened his eyes, and saw Gerard’s head bowed, turned slightly into the pillow.  
His jaw was clenched, and his eyes tight shut.  
He was shaking again. 

Frank pulled him close, tucking Gerard’s head under his chin.  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t even offer you that.”

He ignored the fact he himself was shaking also. This was so difficult, for both of them. 

###

For the next two weeks, Mikey stayed at Gerard’s apartment. He helped in everyway he possibly could, not least for the first few days. Gerard barely left his room, and the times when Frank had to leave him, however briefly, would send him into a panic attack.

The first time it happened, when Gerard had just been on the edge of sleep, again, Frank had decided now would be a good time to get up, shower, and check how Mikey was doing. He’d tried to slip, carefully out of bed, but the shift had disturbed Gerard, woken him immediately.  
The grip Gerard suddenly had on Frank’s arm was alarming, and painful. And the fear in his eyes was heartbreaking. Shallow breathing sped up, until, with a breath that Frank recognised as something awful coming, he tried to calm Gerard down, but before he could, the heart shattering cry ripped out of Gerard’s mouth.  
Frank pulled him up, pulled him close, a hand rubbing his back as Gerard sobbed against him. “Shh, shh, Gee. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I wasn’t going far, I promise.”   
Gerard shook his head. “No. No. Can’t-- Can’t--”

Mikey was at the door, looking panicked. “What happened?”   
He paused, seeming hesitant to come in, to confront what was going on.   
Frank looked at him. “I- I was just-- Just going to get up for a second, I-- I didn’t mean--”  
Mikey seemed to understand then, and he came over, getting up on the bed, behind his brother. He placed a hand on Gerard’s shoulder, ignoring when he flinched beneath Mikey’s touch.   
“Gee.” He said, gently, trying to coax Gerard to turn, face him. “Gee, it’s okay. Frank is coming back, okay? He is coming back, he won’t even be gone long.”  
Gerard shook his head, before burying his face once again against Frank’s chest.   
“Gee.” Mikey pleaded, softly. 

“He’s right.” Frank said. “I’m coming back, I’m coming right back, okay? I’m going to shower, then I’ll be back. Wouldn’t you rather be in bed with someone who smelt nice anyway?” He laughed, just a little, trying to be light hearted. 

Gerard shook his head once more. “Last-- Last time I let you go-- I-- I--”  
Frank couldn’t deal with it now, not now he understood the full implication behind the panic attack.   
As much as he hated himself for it, Frank broke down too then. “He’s not here, Gee. He’s not here. He- he can’t hurt us.”  
Then Frank felt Gerard being pulled back, felt the hand on his arm being pried off. Heard Gerard crying out, sobbing.  
Finally, Frank opened his eyes again, and saw Mikey, holding his brother close, trying to comfort him, to calm him down. 

Mikey looked up, briefly at Frank. “It’s okay, Frank. I’ll look after him for a bit.” 

When he came back, Gerard had calmed, and he apologised. Even though Frank told him he didn’t need to apologise, that it was okay.

###

Another time, after Mikey had helped to calm Gerard once more, got him to lay down, talking him through evening out his breathing. Gerard laid on his side, curled comfortably for once, not tight to protect himself. His eyes closed, and a very, very small smile played on his lips. 

“Mikes.” He said, quietly, opening his eyes a tiny bit.   
Mikey shifted further up the bed, closer, placed his hand on Gerard’s arm. “Still here.” He assured.   
Gerard smiled a little more. “I know.”   
Then Gerard held out his hand, finding Mikey’s easily. “Lay down with me. Just for a little bit.” Gerard asked him. 

Though he hesitated a second, unsure how wise it was to get close to Gerard. He saw the way Frank was so careful with him, and Mikey had no clue if that was because Frank knew of some injuries Mikey didn’t, or if… If Frank was just being careful.   
Still, Mikey wasn’t about to tell his brother ‘no’.

As Mikey got comfortable, Gerard opened his eyes fully, watching him carefully. He smiled as Mikey finally settled and looked at him, a small smile graced Mikey’s features also.   
For a few seconds, they allowed themselves to believe everything was fine. 

It was like when they were very small, one of Mikey’s very earliest memories was waking up in the same bed as his brother, aware he had his own bed to sleep in, but he preferred being with Gerard. And Gerard could remember, when Mikey was even smaller, still a baby, he’d often tried to pick Mikey up, out of his crib when the younger Way was crying, unable to sleep. His mother had to stop him, worried Gerard would hurt himself or his brother, accidentally.   
Then, one night when it’d taken little Mikey even longer than usual to settle, both parents at a loss at what to do to stop him crying, once again Gerard had gone over to his brother. “I can help, I promise!” He protested, when he’d been stopped again. Having figured out that possibly it wasn’t that easy to pick up his brother on his own, Gerard decided on the other option, and clambered into the crib with Mikey. That too had worried their parents, thinking Gerard would underestimate how close his baby brother was. But, Gerard knew. He understood his little brother wasn’t made of quite the same stuff as him yet, and could be more easily hurt. He laid down carefully, and laid a gentle arm across Mikey, moving a little closer. Like some miracle, the younger Way quietened, then wiggled a tiny bit, getting comfortable against his brother.   
“Told you I could help.” Gerard had said, quietly, before yawning and falling asleep.

And it was like all the countless nightmares each had had. Sometimes the one with the nightmare went to the other, or the nightmare woke the other person, and they went to comfort them.   
It was like when one had exciting news, and couldn’t sleep, or something big was happening the next day.

It was so normal, yet so, so important. A brotherly ritual they had shared since… Always. 

Now, back in the present, Gerard reached his hand out, pushing back Mikey’s hair, making him smile.   
“How’d I get such a great baby brother?” 

Mikey laughed, softly. “Just lucky I guess.”

“Must be.”

A small silence, and, without permission, a nagging thought crept into Gerard’s mind. A question he didn’t want to ask. He didn’t want to break this little bit of perfect they had right now.   
But, he had to ask, eventually. Better to know than to keep wondering. 

“Mikes… What happened with Sammy?” 

There was a silence, and Mikey shifted, uncomfortably.   
“Don’t worry about it, Gee. It’s not… Important.” 

“Yes, it is.” Gerard insisted, his eyes fixing on Mikey’s face, wishing his brother would meet his eyes.   
“Mikey. Please, I…” He closed his eyes, briefly.

“Mikey, please don’t tell me my brother has become a murderer because of me.”

Another few seconds of silence, then, finally, Mikey sighed.  
“Part of me wishes I could tell you that. But… No, Gee. I’m not a killer.” He paused, taking Gerard’s hand, squeezing it, gently. “These hands aren’t bloody, I promise.”

Gerard nodded.   
“But… He’s not coming back again, is he?”   
“Gee.” Mikey said, gently. “Please stop worrying about Sammy. Please try to stop worrying.” 

Gerard gripped Mikey’s hand tight. “Tell me he’s not coming back. Please. I can’t- I--”

“He’s not coming back, Gee.” Mikey said, softly. “I’ll tell you what happened, okay? After you left, he went for me. I was quicker, I’ve always been quicker than him. I… Knocked him out. And, Gee, I don’t like saying it, but you should know… I wanted to kill him. For… Everything. Everything he’s done. But, instead… I left him there. And… I called the police.”

Gerard stared at Mikey, wide eyed. 

“I told them… Well, I told them a lot of things. I told them about his violent side. And I told them about the drugs, the trafficking. I… Told them a little about you, but… They couldn’t do anything without you, so, I’m sorry, but that’s not going on the record. But… Everything else. He can try and pin as much as he can on Saint Jimmy, but, I guess Jimmy probably has his own ways of dealing with the police. And, I bet Jimmy won’t want much to do with him after this.” 

Mikey shrugged. “It was the best I could do.” 

Without saying a word, Gerard pulled Mikey closer to him, hugging him, tight.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Four months on, and we get a glimpse at what our couple has gone through to try and get back some sense of normality.

~Four Months Later~

Gerard woke up to find the bed covers kicked off sometime in the night. It’d been hot, and even after the window was opened it’d still been that little too warm.   
For a few moments, Gerard kept his eyes closed, allowing the anticipation of a new day to build.  
Allowed himself to feel the very soft breeze finally drifting through the window, and across his skin. And allowed himself the awareness of the warm body pressed against his own.

Finally, Gerard opened his eyes, and smiled down at Frank, still fast asleep, curled up against Gerard, his face slightly buried.   
Frank’s hand no longer clutched Gerard’s shirt while he slept, instead it pressed against Gerard’s chest, lightly. Often, it found exactly where his heart was. 

Gerard reached out, and took that hand now, lacing Frank’s fingers with his own as he bent slightly to kiss the top of Frank’s head. 

Frank gently, and reluctantly stirred, fidgeting slightly against Gerard. Then he lifted his head, tilting it towards Gerard as he struggled to open his eyes.   
Gerard kissed his cheek then, and laughed when Frank whined.  
Finally, just as Frank fully woke, Gerard placed a soft, quick kiss on his lips, and Frank smiled into it.

“Morning.” Frank mumbled, pushing back slightly so as to rub at his eyes.   
“Morning.” Gerard offered back.

They kissed again, then Frank stretched out, his hands reaching up for the headboard.   
“Don’t make me leave this bed. It’s too nice to leave.”   
Gerard chuckled. “Okay, you stay there, I’ll find us breakfast.”   
Frank shook his head, and wrapped his arms back around Gerard. “No, you stay here too.” 

Again, Gerard laughed, then pressed his forehead against Frank’s.   
“New deal… You go shower, I’ll make breakfast, then we’ll meet back here.”   
Frank thought about this, then nodded, pushing himself up.   
“When will you shower?” Frank asked.  
There was a slight hint of caution in his voice as he asked this.

“After breakfast.” Gerard replied, casually, as if he didn’t notice the caution in Frank’s tone.   
Frank went to say something, but thought better of it, and got up to head to the bathroom. 

Gerard sat up to watch him go, then he sighed, knowing why Frank still looked at him worriedly in the mornings. Absently, Gerard’s hand rubbed his arm.   
Then he got up go to the kitchen. 

Neither one of them would pretend that it had been an easy few months. But… It was getting easier. 

###

Frank still was always the first one to use the shower in the morning. That routine, as soon as they’d got back to relative normality, had never changed. He’d go in, shower, then come back out to get dressed while Gerard took his turn.   
Though, for the first few times after the events, Gerard hadn’t wanted to go in at all. He’d only been persuaded to get in the shower after Frank promised he’d sit, in the bathroom with him while he did. Frank was careful not to ‘watch’ him though, knowing that wouldn’t help Gerard either.

Two and a half months ago, however, he happened across something which shocked him. 

_Frank knocked, gently on the door._  
“Gee, can I come in a sec, I just-”  
He heard something fall, and heard Gerard swear.   
“Just- Just a second, Frank!” His voice sounded a little startled.  
He swore softly again.   
Frank frowned. “Gee…? You okay?”   
“Uh huh. Just, um-” 

_Gerard swore again, a long string of profanities now.  
And now Frank was convinced something was up. _

_He pushed open the door. And, at first he couldn’t figure out what was wrong._

_Gerard was crouched on the floor, apparently picking something up.  
Lot’s of something’s._

_Frank frowned, trying to process it.  
Then he glanced up at the sink, and saw a pot, on it’s side. Inside he could see a few pills. And he realised now what was on the floor._

_Calmly, Frank stepped forward, not looking at Gerard who was, pointedly, looking at the ground, not at him either.  
Frank picked up the little pot and stared at it, looking at the faded label, trying to figure it out. _

_“What are these?”_

_Gerard didn’t answer right away. And when he did, his voice was quiet.  
“They’re for sleeping.”_

_Frank nodded, though, still neither of them were looking at each other.  
“Where did you get them?” _

_“Nikki sent them over. I… She’d emailed me, asking why I wasn’t at work. And- And I told her I was… Ill. I told her. I was anxious, and… Not sleeping.”_

_“And she sent these?” Frank clarified._

_“Yes.”_

_“To help you sleep?”_

_“Yes.”_

_Again, Frank nodded, before setting the pot back down. He crouched down then, in front of Gerard, finally looking at him, intently.  
“There’s just one thing that confuses me about this. If they’re for sleeping, why are you fiddling about with them in the morning?” _

_The accusation was soft, but clear._

_Gerard looked up, a hint of annoyance over his features. “Because I didn’t sleep again last night.”_

_Frank shook his head and covered his eyes with his hand._

_“I’m not **lying**!” _

_Frank sighed, and picked up one of the fallen pills. “You honestly thought this was a good idea? Bringing something like this, **anything** like this, into this home? Gee, I’m not sure if you understand, but drugs, of any kind can be-”_

_“Do not lecture me on drugs, Frank! I know it all fucking well enough!”_

_“Obviously you don’t!” Frank snapped, throwing the pill back down. “I cannot take anything, not even something as ‘harmless’ as a sleeping pill, in case I get fucking sucked in again. Gerard, I already had drugs pumped back into me after I got clean and I tell you it hurt like hell waiting for them to get out again. And I know we’re on a similar level on this one. What the fuck do you think Mikey would do if-”_

_“You’re overreacting!” Gerard nearly screamed at him._  
Then he slumped back, against the wall, curling in on himself and hiding his face.  
For a moment, Frank’s heart skipped, painfully, as he saw himself in Gerard’s place. How many times had that been him? 

_Gerard finally looked up, and again, his voice was small._  
“I just… I thought, if I took one, just one. Or, maybe… Half. It would…” He sighed, buried his face in his hands. A small sob escaped from him, and his voice came out shaky.  
“I thought maybe it’d make me forget-”   
He stopped as he broke into tears. 

_Frank moved close, wrapping his arms around Gerard, holding him gently, more than glad as the other man fell into him, accepting and needing the embrace._

_Frank stroked his hair. “Is that what you really want? To go through the rest of your life half dazed? Drowsy?”_

_Gerard didn’t reply._

_“Because I don’t. I don’t want to see you do that to yourself. I want… I want you. All of you. I want… I want the you who holds me close at night. Who kisses me for no reason, for every reason. The you who stays up, all night, watching shit films with me because it’s what we do. I want the you that is smart, and funny, and loving. And who, for god knows what reason, loves me and looks after me more than I deserve.”_

_Gerard shook his head. “I- I’m not… Him anymore. Don’t try to deny it, I haven’t been him since…”  
He paused, trying to calm his sobbing enough to get the words out. “I think… I think he died in that apartment.” _

_Frank pulled him closer, holding tighter, unable to respond to that while his own tears took over. Again. Again. When would the tears be spent?_

_“No. He didn’t.” Frank argued. “You’re still here. You’re still **you.** ”  
He paused. “I love you. Please. Remember that.” _

_It took them both a long time to finally move again._

###

They were, finally, more relaxed again, and things had noticeably become better after the difficult night, just a few days after the incident in the bathroom, when they’d finally admitted to one another what they’d gone through at Jimmy’s apartment. 

_Distraught after a particularly vivid nightmare, involving harsh ropes tying him to a bed frame, something over his eyes and mouth, and Jimmy… Jimmy being brutal. Gerard had woken up crying, finding Frank already awake, holding him, sitting him up, telling him he was okay._  
“It’s okay, we’re okay. You’re safe, I’m here, I promise I’m here.”   
Gerard was still half in the dream, could still feel the rope and the awful touches of Saint Jimmy.  
“Get him away.” Gerard choked. 

_“He’s gone.”_

_“Get him **out**!”_

_Frank held him tighter, his head bowing on top of Gerard’s, his own tears leaking out, into Gerard’s hair.  
“He’s gone, Gee. He’s been gone for weeks.”_

_Gerard shook his head. “Get him **out! Please!** ” _

_“Gerard, please, I don’t know how else-”_

_“Dig him out.” Gerard said, through gritted teeth. “I don’t- He’s in my head. In my blood.” He was panicking, breathing harshly against Frank, who tried to hold him, tried to pretend what Gerard was saying wasn’t effecting him, wasn’t hurting him._

_“Stop.” Frank said, softly. “Please, you’re only upsetting yourself more.”_

_“He’s in me. In everyway. Oh **fuck**! Please! Please- I don’t- Cut me open. I feel like I need to be cracked open, then you can find the disease of him and dig it out with your hands. I’ll- I’ll be better after that. He’ll be **gone**!”_

_Frank shook his head, physically shaking now, so disturbed by Gerard’s words._

_“Stop it.”_

_“Or- Or perhaps I need you inside me. Yes! Frankie, that’s it. If- if you- It’ll undo what Jimmy did to me! You’ll be-”_

_“No.” Frank told him, firmly._

_Gerard pushed away then, head still bowed. His hair hung over his eyes as he kept hold of Frank’s shoulder._

_“Will you change your mind if I tell you this is likely to be the only time that I’ll be able to even think about letting you have sex with me?”_

_“You know what?” Frank said, quietly, pushing Gerard away completely now and throwing back the covers._  
“I can’t do this.”   
Then he got up, and left the room. Gerard didn’t watch him, instead he buried his face in the pillow Frank had been laying on, and cried, harshly. Wishing he was better. 

_Frank went and sat on the couch, pulling his feet up onto it, and wrapping his arms around his legs._  
He wanted to go back, desperately, he wanted to go back to Gerard, he hated doing this. Hated leaving him like this. He felt so, so guilty. He knew he should be there, comforting Gerard, looking after him. That was the least Gerard deserved, right? After everything Gerard had done for Frank, the least Frank should be able to do was to stay, and comfort him. He knew Gerard had heard him say awful things, and he’d, somehow, managed to be calm, understanding. Why, even though he was trying, he was trying, why couldn’t Frank do the same for him?   
But the hardest thing was, what he really wanted was to go back, and have Gerard like he had been, before. He wanted the Gerard who was calm and quietly confident. The one who’d picked him up off the streets.  
Of course, Frank knew that Gerard was still in there, but it didn’t make it any easier. Briefly, Frank thought about calling Mikey, getting him over here. It was obvious neither of them were coping with this as well as they thought they were, and they needed something, someone stable that could keep them both from falling apart completely. 

_Frank thought about what Gerard had asked of him.  
He’d known it was wrong to expect Gerard to forgive him._

_He had no idea how long he’d sat there, curled up in a way that was so familiar to him. Only the absence of Gerard made it so completely unfamiliar._  
Then, in the quiet, he heard the door behind him open, heard soft footsteps. And heard a quiet sniff.  
Gerard had got out of bed, to find him, and, for a little while at least, he had stopped crying, even if it was with difficulty. 

_Frank didn’t look up, he couldn’t. What he wanted so badly was for Gerard to be coming to comfort him, to say that everything was fine, and that nothing bad was ever coming for them again. Because, as much as he said it to Gerard, Frank equally wanted the assurances repeated back to him.  
And, at the same time, he badly wanted to stop being so selfish. _

_Gerard did not sit on the couch. Instead, he knelt on the floor, in front of Frank, he touched one of Frank’s hands, stroking over the fingers, gently, trying to persuade them to take his own.  
With his own stifled sniff of a denied sob, Frank allowed his hand to be taken by Gerard. Though, still, he couldn’t look up. _

_“Frank.” Gerard said, softly. “I think… I know… We need to talk. We need to really talk, discuss this, talk about what happened, what is happening. I think… We need to open up, as scary as that is, and we need to be honest about it, no holding back. Because-- Because-- Frank, I’m terrified if we don’t then we are going to fall apart, and-- I can’t, I can’t loose you, okay? I can’t and I won’t. I need us to fix ourselves before we break completely. J-- Jimmy might’ve started it, but if we’re not careful, we’re going to end up letting him win anyway. And-- Above everything else, that is what scares me, loosing you is what scares me, it is what has scared me since Alice told us we’d been seen, that Jimmy was coming for us. I still carry that fear inside me, Frank. And it hurts. It hurts because… Because I love you.”_

_For a few, long moments, there was only silence.  
Then Frank drew in a breath, and let it out heavily. He squeezed Gerard’s hand once, tight. Then he looked up. _

_“I love you too.” He said, quietly.  
Then, burying his face briefly once more, Frank looked up again, noticeably steeling himself for the conversation ahead, another deep breath taken, shoulders rolled slightly back, and head held high. _

_“Where do we start?” Frank asked._

_Gerard frowned slightly, then got up off the floor, and came over to sit beside Frank, leaving a small gap between them. Their hands didn’t part._

_“I think… We need to admit what happened. I think we need to talk about what he did, to both of us and then-”  
Gerard stopped as he saw Frank shaking his head. _

_“I can’t.” Frank said. “Gerard, I’m sorry, and I know you think this will help. But I can’t. I can’t… Talk about what he did to me, because it scares me that it felt so normal. It was just… What Jimmy did, worse, it was a lot tamer than what Jimmy used to do, like he was easing me in. And… I can’t… I’m sorry, but I don’t know if I can handle hearing what he did to you.”_

_“I get that.” Gerard said, quietly. “But…”_

_“Gerard! Please understand! I can’t do it! I can’t sit here and talk about what Jimmy did before you got there! I can’t. I can’t tell you about the drugs, and how I was hurting so, so bad from them, while I was staying in bed with you after, when I was trying to look after you and all I wanted to do was scream and cry because I hurt so bad, but I couldn’t, because you needed me more. How, when Jimmy held me down and slid that needle in I fought and fought and that fucking hurt too, how you were my only thought, that I’d let you down by letting the drugs in me again. And I still feel guilty about that. But not half as guilty as I feel about the other thing… About the way Jimmy touched me. He didn’t lie, you know? He didn’t… We hadn’t had sex before you got there. But he did touch me. He touched me, and I cried because I knew it wasn’t you and I only wanted you. But it didn’t stop-- Didn’t stop me from…”_

_Frank forced himself to stop, finding himself gasping, as if for air._  
A small, disbelieving laugh escaped him.   
“Shit. Guess I told you anyway… Huh?” 

_He felt Gerard’s hand on his face, gentle, pushing up into his hair. Frank stilled, went quiet and closed his eyes.  
“I had no idea you were struggling those days after… No idea. I’m sorry. I should’ve-”_

_Frank shook his head. “You were dealing with worse. You gave me a reason not to fall apart.”_

_He opened his eyes again._  
“This is the part where you tell me what happened to you.”   
It wasn’t a question, or a demand, it was, simply, an acceptance.   
It was permission for them to continue. 

_Gerard was nodding, but now he shrank back, away from Frank, finding himself pressing back into the couch, like he was hoping to be swallowed up, disappear._  
He closed his eyes as he started talking.   
“He said he wanted to talk, didn’t he? And… At first. That was all it was. Talking.” Gerard paused, a pained smile tugged at the corner of his mouth, then disappeared. “Even that was just trying to manipulate me, or get me to admit something. He… Accused me of a lot of stuff, to do with you. That- That I only took you in so that you’d…”  
Again, he paused, his face pinching with the difficulty of saying it, knowing there was every possibility this would hurt Frank.   
They were both open wounds right now, raw and hurting, and they weren’t even done yet.   
Sometimes ripping a wound open anew was the only way to properly heal though.   
Taking a slow, calming breath, Gerard continued. “So that you’d… Sleep with me, out of gratefulness.”  
Immediately, Gerard felt Frank’s hand tighten on his own. 

_“Gerard, you know, you **have** to know that everything… Everything that’s happened between us has been… I never did anything because I felt I had to. I did always think I owed you, I still think that. But instead of paying you back… You’ve just given me more and more. You gave me love, and I can only **only** repay that by loving you back. I have nothing else to give.” _

_Gerard nodded, his hand clenching Frank’s, both hands were painfully tight, but neither wanted to let go._

_Gerard didn’t reply to Frank, he couldn’t, his emotions ran too high, and if he gave into them, he’d never finish explaining what’d happened._  
It was important Frank knew what’d happened.   
It was important Gerard got this out. 

_“Then… I don’t remember how we got there, but… Then he was… I dunno, evaluating me? He touched my face, my hair… My lips. He was so_ **fucking** fascinated with my lips.”  
Gerard didn’t see it, but Frank was nodding.   
This was the ‘recruiting’ Johnny had said about. 

_“I bit him… When he put his fingers in my mouth. I bit him and drew blood. But it didn’t stop him. He didn’t really care. Then- Then.”_

_Gerard was shaking now, and Frank could understand why._  
They were getting to the most difficult parts now.   
Frank stroked his fingers across the back of Gerard’s hand.   
“It’s okay. It’s okay, Gee, just remember… It’s all in the past, you’ve already survived it. He can’t hurt you now.” 

_Gerard drew in a deep breath, and nodded._  
Then he scowled.   
His voice came out a harsh, with a hint of anger.   
“I should’ve bitten him again. Even though he warned me not to. I should’ve taken the chance, and bit down on his dick. Should’ve fucking hurt him when I had the chance, then he never would’ve been able to-” 

_While Frank kept one hand locked with Gerard’s, the other he pulled away now, going to his mouth, certain he’d be sick._  
Without even saying it, Frank now knew the extent of what Jimmy had done.   
He covered his eyes with his arm, and tried to keep from sobbing, to keep from gagging.   
He just wished he was surprised by Jimmy’s actions. 

_And, somehow, even though he’d known, all the evidence had been there all along, now, now that Gerard had explained it, had said it, it suddenly became inescapably real._

_He didn’t notice at first, but he realised Gerard had moved, closer again, and he was holding Frank, carefully, but close. Like he’d done for as long as Frank could remember being with him.  
The roles had slid back into place, and, while Frank dissolved into tears and heavy shaking, Gerard held him, and kissed his temples, and shushed little words of comfort into Frank’s ear._

_“It’s okay, you already told me that, remember? It’s all past, it can’t hurt us anymore.”_

_Slowly, Frank calmed again, and as his tears settled into quiet sniffs, he apologised. “I should be comforting you. It was you who went through it. I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be selfish.”_

_“You’re not being selfish.” Gerard assured, quietly, before kissing his cheek, softly. “We knew this was going to be hard on both of us.”_

_“I’m so sorry.” Frank said. “I’m so sorry he did all that. I’m sorry… I brought him into your life, it’s my fault you-”_

_“Hey.” Gerard interrupted, softly. “It was my choice to bring you in, look after you, wasn’t it? And it was as much my choice to love you as it was your choice to love me. Frankie, despite everything… I wouldn’t change that.”_

_Frank turned his face away. Then, letting out a slow, jagged breath, he said. “And I’m sorry for what Jimmy made me do to you, what he was going to make me do.”_

_Two hands on Frank’s face then, forcing him to turn his head, face Gerard once more._  
“Frank. Look at me. **Look**.”   
Reluctantly, Frank opened his eyes.   
He nearly gasped.   
It felt like forever since he and Gerard had been face to face like this, eyes fixed on one another, and nothing else.   
He’d almost forgotten the beautiful complexities of Gerard’s eyes, and now, so close, like they hadn’t been since their final night in Mikey’s apartment, those eyes seemed larger than ever. They glistened with the remains of tears, and perhaps the beginnings of yet more. 

_“Frank. I can’t imagine the guilt you feel over that. I know you feel guilty, because I see it, and I feel it when you’re near me. You shrink back like you’re expecting me to yell at you for being too close, or like I’m going to be upset or scared. Frank, I- I have never been scared of you, and I have never blamed you for what happened. I know you thought I was just trying to be brave, telling you to do it, but I’ll tell you I was scared out of my fucking head. I was scared because Jimmy was still there, and I didn’t know what he’d do to us, and I was scared because I was hurting so, so much. But I understood, I knew what I was asking. I was scared… You wouldn’t forgive me for asking you to…”_

_He trailed off, closed his eyes._

_“Hurt you?” Frank supplied, his voice quiet and disbelieving._  
Gerard shook his head. “Don’t. Don’t let me get away with that. Don’t let me put it the easy way. Don’t let me say ‘Jimmy hurt me, and you were doing to hurt me.’ It’s true, but it’s not even half of it.”   
He took a deep breath.   
“Shit. Frank, I love you, I love you more than you know, and I know, I know you would’ve done everything you could not to hurt me while you did it, but, the truth is, neither one of us wanted it. And that makes it one thing. It makes it… Shit. Please don’t hate me for saying this. But it makes it rape.” 

_Gerard’s thumbs traced carefully over Frank’s cheekbones. They caught fresh tears as they did._

_“I know.” Frank said. “I know it, and I knew it then, and I’ve hated myself for it since. I never would’ve considered it, if there’d been another option. I just… I couldn’t let you stay there, I couldn’t watch Jimmy tear you to pieces, I couldn’t watch you become another dull eyed puppet for Jimmy’s profit and pleasure. And… I don’t blame you, if you hate me for it.”_

_Gerard opened his eyes once more.  
He shook his head. “I don’t. I understood. I told you, I understood. Frank… If you want my forgiveness, you always had it.” _

_“Then…” Frank said, unsteadily. “Then why is this the closest, I mean… The most intimate we’ve been, since it happened? And why did… Why did you say what you did about… About us not… Having sex?”_

_Gerard’s eyes went wide, wider._  
“Because of Jimmy.” He said, simply.   
Then he frowned. “You thought it was because of you?” 

_Frank had closed his eyes again. A small, strange sense of relief joining his already overwhelming emotions._  
He was taken completely by surprise when he felt lips on his own.  
It was with dizzying realisation that Frank understood, Gerard had kissed him, really, properly kissed him again. 

_Frank lifted his arms, and looped them around the back of Gerard’s neck, loosely crossing them, while Gerard’s hands pushed up, into Frank’s hair._

_The kiss was soft, but still deep. It was like all their best kisses.  
Neither could work out if the tears on their cheeks were their own, or the other persons. _

_When, finally, they parted, their eyes opened at almost exactly the same time.  
The fear in their eyes had receded, if not completely gone, they weren’t quite there yet. But that all encompassing love had returned. Love, and hope. _

_Gerard smiled, just slightly. “We’re okay.”  
Frank nodded, and leant back against the couch, pleased to find Gerard following him, laying slightly on top of him. _

_“I love you.” Frank said, quietly._

_“I love you.”_

_Then, Gerard leant forward, to whisper in Frank’s ear._  
“I’m here.”   
Frank felt himself close to tears again. Gerard knew, he understood how important those words were.   
They’d got Frank through some of the hardest times. 

_He closed his eyes as he repeated back, “I’m here.”_


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And here, we come to the end... But really it is just a new beginning, the beginning of moving forward, moving on. Together. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'd like to take this chance to thank everyone who has read, commented and enjoyed this story. This story has been part of an amazing journey for me, thanks for joining me for the ride, and I hope you enjoy this final instalment.

~Four Months Later (Continued)~

Still, they had wary eyes for one another, constantly watching to make sure the other was okay. At times it was a little overprotective, but they were both doing it to one another, so they understood. 

It was a Sunday, and, importantly, it was the Sunday before Frank started working. Finally, he’d have money of his own, and a reason to make himself go outside. Gerard had coaxed Ray into taking Frank on, and despite Ray’s protests, which were really all just for show, he gave in.   
He was only going to start off as part time, and for the first few weeks at least, so was Gerard. It was going to take a little while to readjust. 

Last week, they’d seen Alice again.   
They didn’t know who was the more relieved. Them, to see her alright, or her to see them. 

_Frank opened the door, as was normal these days. He’d had to, while Gerard had still been too scared and hurting to even leave his room for long._  
Still, Frank opened the door hesitantly. Pausing, staring at the handle for a few seconds longer than he needed to.   
Yes, knocking still reminded him of the knocking at Mikey’s door, the one that had brought so many dark things. 

_He felt emotional with relief when he saw it was Alice, and, without waiting for a hello, Frank launched himself at her, and held her tighter than Alice realised he could._  
She held him close, though not tight. Old habits still dictated that she was careful with Frank.   
His fingers clung to the back of Alice’s jacket, while her hands pressed, gently against his back. 

_Gerard went over, slightly nervous that Frank had taken so long at the door.  
The tight feeling in his chest eased as he saw Alice. _

_Alice looked up, and smiled, with an edge of sadness, at Gerard. She eased out of Frank’s grip, who let her, understanding that this time, she wasn’t just here for him. Alice was here for both of them._

_Alice offered open arms to Gerard, wanting the same embrace she’d shared with Frank.  
To this, Gerard took a step back, his eyes cast down as he bowed his head, shook it, regretfully. _

_Frank’s heart squeezed, painfully, seeing this. Gerard had been such an open, affectionate person. Now he only allowed Frank, and Mikey close to him. This was the first, real proof Frank had of this, and, yes, it hurt to see it.  
Frank hoped this change was only temporary, and, like all the other things that got better, this eventually would to. He understood the reality that this, easily, could be permanent though. _

_Alice nodded, understanding. “I am so sorry.” She said, quietly, finally breaking the silence that had filled the apartment since she’d got there._

_She stepped closer to Gerard again, carefully, and this time she extended her hands out to him, offering to take his into her own.  
This, Gerard allowed. _

_She’d stared into Gerard’s eyes, intently, searching like they had the last time her and Gerard had met._  
“Good.” She said, again, just as quietly. “Good, that goodness and kindness and heart is all still there. Don’t ever, ever let anyone take that from you, Gerard.”   
He nodded, but had to pull his hands from hers. Frank went to him then, taking the unsure hands, lacing Gerard’s fingers with his own. Frank turned his attention back to Alice. “It’s… Really good to see you. I was… Worried.” 

_Alice shook her head. “You shouldn’t have been worrying about me. I told you, I can take it. My brother plays rough with me sometimes, but he’d never really hurt me.”_

_More silence as Frank and Gerard stared at Alice. Both trying to process what had just been said._

_“Wait… What?”  
Alice smiled, sadly, and shrugged. “Guess I should’ve told you that before... Mine and Jimmy’s father was… Not a nice man.” _

_“Explains a lot.” Frank said, quietly._  
And, only now did Frank look at Alice’s eyes, and see what had always been there to see.   
The eyes that had always looked at him with such care, such worry, looked almost identical to the eyes that had looked at him with lust and, at times, cruelty.   
Perhaps he’d always seen this, but had refused to acknowledge it. Until now, when the truth was inescapable. 

_Alice stayed most of the day, enjoying their company, pleased to get to know Gerard a little more.  
She shared the news that Sammy was indeed outcast from Jimmy’s gang, and safely locked in jail, thanks to the ‘witnesses’ Jimmy had sent to snitch on Sammy. _

_“Those poor boys…” Alice said. “They were all so scared to go. But Jimmy promised them a night off so…” She shrugged, and glanced at Frank, who nodded. He remembered how valued a night off was._

_She also explained that, finally, Jimmy was more honest about his relationship with Johnny._  
“And all the happier for it too. He’s almost a changed man, actually listens to Johnny! Can you believe it?”   
Remembering the way Johnny had spoken to Jimmy, and how Jimmy had reacted… Yes, actually, they could believe it. 

_“And.” Alice said, taking Frank’s hand. “I wanted you to know… Jimmy is keeping true to his word, Johnny is making sure of it. He isn’t looking for you or Gerard anymore. If someone brings your name up… He pretends he doesn’t even know who you are.”_

_It was such a relief to hear it confirmed, Frank leaned close and hugged Alice once more, squeezing her tight, while he kept a tight hold on Gerard’s hands, squeezing gently, feeling his hand squeezed in return._

_“How about you?” Frank asked. “Are you still…?”_

_Alice smiled at him. “I’ll always stay with Jimmy. You should understand better than ever now… He’s family.”_

_Frank was, again, emotional as Alice announced it was probably time she should go._  
And, it occurred to Gerard that, perhaps Frank saw Alice as more than a friend. Despite who she was truly related to, he felt that, possibly, Alice was more like a sister to Frank. Like a big sister, who had done her best to protect him, even when it had been almost impossible.  
Perhaps it was this thought, the thought of Alice being something other than a connection to the bad things that had happened to Frank, to both of them, of her being a relation, that allowed Gerard to pause as Alice offered her hand in goodbye.  
The hug she and Gerard shared was not as long as the one between her and Frank, nor was it as tight. But, all three of them knew, it was important. 

_“I promise I’ll stay in touch.” Alice told Frank, as she stepped outside the door._

###

And still, it was obvious there was an anxiety when they left one another’s sight. Something that had started off as something that only afflicted Gerard had spread to Frank also. Once he understood where Gerard’s fear came from, it was easy to take it on himself. It tapped in so well to Frank’s early fears, after all. 

By the time Frank got out of the shower, Gerard had settled back in the bedroom, breakfast waiting for him on the bed.   
They laid out on the bed, eating quietly. Not needing to say anything, only occasionally looking up, smiling at one another.   
Gerard felt a small swell of pride in Frank as he watched him, noticing, not for the first time, that Frank now ate considerably slower than he had at first. He was, even, a fairly slow eater now. As if he paused to savour everything. 

_We’re more grateful for what we have, because of what we nearly lost._

That thought in mind, and with no other pre-empt, Gerard leaned forward, across the tray between them, reaching his hand out to Frank’s face as he kissed him.   
Frank dropped the toast he’d had in his hand back onto the tray, kissing Gerard back, reaching his hand up, into Gerard’s hair, tangling his fingers gently in it. 

They were still careful with one another, when it came to intimacy, but they’d grown so used to reading one another, they knew the signs of when to stop.

As they started to shift down onto the bed, Gerard paused to move the tray to the floor, while Frank pushed the covers back once more.

They laid down together, arms gently wrapped around one another, a small distance between them, still close enough to feel one another’s body heat.   
Eyes open, tracing over each others faces. 

Gerard reached out his hand again, pushing back into Frank’s hair.  
A flutter of anticipation started in Frank’s chest. As their lips met again, something told him, something about this was different. 

In the four months since the events at Jimmy’s apartment, the couple had achieved and got past many things. One of those things, unsurprisingly, was not sex. They’d got vaguely close to it a few times, but neither wished to push it. They were both dealing with their own demons on that one, after all.   
But, lately, they’d both become bolder, and noticeably frustrated with themselves when they had to stop, for whatever reason. 

One thing they both found difficult, was allowing the other to touch their crotch with their hand. It was the simplest, easiest touch they could perform on one another, but Jimmy had violated them both in that way, and it took a lot to get past it.

Today, even at this early point, where they were only kissing, and gently running their hands over one another’s clothes, Frank felt like he could let Gerard do it.   
He just wondered if Gerard was ready for that.

Frank’s fingers snagged at the hem of Gerard’s shirt, pulling it up.   
A soft gasp passed between them, so soft, their mouths still so close neither were quite sure who it came from. He pushed up a little more, exposing a little skin, then brushed his fingers gently over that skin.  
Another gasp, louder, this time definitely from Gerard. His hand reached over, to Frank’s, laying over the hand, pressing it closer, firmer to his skin.  
Frank wasn’t sure about this gesture. Wasn’t sure if it was because Gerard liked it, or if he was trying to stop Frank from moving any further, from doing anymore. He paused their kisses to ask,   
“Is it okay?” 

Gerard kept his eyes closed. Then he nodded.  
He opened his eyes as his hand moved, to the same spot on Frank’s body as Frank’s hand currently was on his. 

Their eyes stayed open, watching each other, carefully, as Gerard pushed up Frank’s shirt, then slipped his hand over Frank’s skin, and slowly, up, under his shirt.   
They kissed again then, deeper than before, and they moved closer, now only the barest gap between their bodies. Their hands wandering under their shirts, exploring one another’s bodies as if they hadn’t done it before. 

Gerard parted his lips slightly, and sighed as Frank’s tongue flicked against them. And sighed again as he allowed his own tongue to meet with Frank’s.

His hand moved down, over Frank’s leg, then back up again, grabbing gently at Frank’s waist, feeling the soft material beneath his hand. Once again aware of them both only wearing what they’d worn to bed. Frank’s hips moved, slowly beneath his hand, obviously eager for some kind of contact.   
Frank was very, very aware of the hand on him. His mind was clear and yet full only of Gerard, only of the two of them. He wrapped his arms around Gerard, then pulled himself closer, kissing deeply, his tongue dipping deep into Gerard’s mouth.  
Their crotch’s remained apart, but the rest of their bodies now pressed close, and they could feel each others heat. Gerard glanced his other hand over Frank’s face, up into his hair. Then, parting from their kiss, his trailed his fingers down over Frank’s lips, one finger pausing gently on the ring in Frank’s lip.   
Gerard stopped, suddenly then, and pulled back, his head bowing as his eyes closed tight.  
A flash of the memory of fingers over his own lips replayed over in his head. 

A hand grabbed his, pulling him back to the present, and then that same hand laid, gently on his cheek. “Just us.” Frank said, quietly, soothingly. “It’s just us. There’s only ever going to be us.”   
Gerard nodded. Then, with a small, but deep breath, he opened his eyes once more, and saw Frank beside him, watching him closely. 

“Touch my lips.” Gerard said, so quietly, Frank didn’t hear him, just frowned.   
“With your fingers… Touch my lips with your fingers. I want… Yours to be the only touch I remember.” Gerard explained.

Frank thought about this, then, tentatively, like he almost expected Gerard to freak out, he trailed his hand down from Gerard’s cheek, until, finally, his fingertips grazed over Gerard’s lips.  
Gerard flinched, but said, “Keep going.”

So Frank did. Frowning ever so slightly as he smoothed his fingers over the soft lips. Amazed at how different it felt to touch them like this, rather than by kissing. In a way, this felt a little more intimate. Like he was getting a clearer picture, like he was memorising the very shape of Gerard’s lips, the fullness, the feel.  
Gerard grabbed his hand, and fiercely kissed Frank’s fingers, before moving the hand away and kissing Frank again.   
“Thank you.” Gerard breathed against him.   
Frank didn’t have to ask what for, he knew. How many times had Gerard replaced the dark memories of Saint Jimmy and those he served for better, brighter memories, filled with love. Frank felt overwhelmed to realise he was able to repay that feeling. 

They pulled close again then, shirts being pushed up further, exposing more and more. Skin made contact with skin again, and both gasped and sighed to experience that once more.  
In sudden, decisive motions, they both pulled off their shirts before coming together again, their kisses growing a little more frantic.  
They were excited, and consumed with one another.

Gerard shifted over, moving above Frank, but moving slow, giving Frank the chance to tell him no.   
Instead, Frank rolled onto his back, the signal clear. Gerard moved on top of him, bending to kiss Frank, their mouths feeling oddly, pleasantly hot.   
Frank reached his hands up, to Gerard’s face, pushing back his hair, while Gerard’s hands traced down Frank’s sides, to his hips. Very slightly, he pushed down Frank’s underwear, making the other man squirm slightly. It appeared Gerard didn’t notice though, as his hands stayed at that point, then he lifted his head, only to kiss Frank’s shoulder, chest, lips gently grazing Frank’s nipple, remembering how Frank liked that, enjoying the soft, wanting sound Frank made.

“Too long…” Gerard murmured against Frank’s chest. “It’s been…”   
Frank’s hand on his cheek, guiding him up, back to Frank’s lips.   
And all the while Gerard’s hands stayed put, though now his thumbs pressed slightly into Frank’s hips, moving in small circles. 

When Gerard raised his head, pausing their kissing to simply look at Frank, marvel at their current closeness, Frank let out another, different soft wanting, needing noise.  
Before Gerard could ask, Frank reached his hand down, placed it over one of Gerard’s, and said, simply, softly, “Please?”   
Gerard paused, unsure. He searched Frank’s eyes, looking for confirmation that Frank was certain in what he was asking.   
When satisfied, Gerard let his hand move across. He continued to watch Frank’s eyes, face.   
Frank’s eyes closed and he moaned, softly as he felt Gerard’s hand on him, for the first time in months. He realised he was already slightly hard, and was more so now he could feel Gerard’s hand.   
He could hear Gerard’s breathing, slightly louder. Was he turned on by this? Frank hoped so.  
Was Gerard going to allow Frank to touch him too?   
Again, Frank hoped so.   
Gerard stared down at Frank, at his closed eyes, smile on his lips. He glanced over Frank’s body, not remembering the last time he’d seen Frank like this, not in daylight. He hurriedly looked further down, where his hand was. Amazed he’d done it, amazed Frank was letting him.   
And more than a little amazed that yes, he was turned on. A pleasurable feeling was starting to creep over him.   
His fingers curled over the top of Frank’s underwear. He heard Frank inhale, sharply.  
“Can… Can I-?”  
“Do it.” Frank told him.

Both of Gerard’s hands were back on Frank’s hips as he smoothly, and quickly pushed Frank’s underwear down and off.  
He hesitated, briefly. Then his hand skimmed up Frank’s leg, to his crotch again before, finally, gently wrapping his hand around Frank’s cock.  
Frank’s eyes closed tighter, and he cried out, happily. He cried out because it felt so good, to have Gerard touching him again. And he cried out because there’d been a point where he’d been certain it was never going to happen. 

Gerard’s lips were on his again, and Frank wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close, gasping, softly into Gerard’s open mouth at intervals between their kissing. 

A smile spread across Gerard’s lips as Frank moaned again. “How can it feel this good… To be getting you off?” He asked, softly.   
Frank didn’t reply. His hand trailed down Gerard’s back, fingers pushing beneath Gerard’s underwear.   
“I don’t want-- I don’t want to-- Alone.” Frank said, quietly, almost embarrassedly, as he moved his fingers down, then around, closer now to Gerard’s crotch.   
Gerard paused. Stopping everything while he took this in.   
His lips hovered above Frank’s, and his hand was just barely touching him.   
“I…” Gerard said, his voice quiet, slightly dry. “I don’t know if I… If I can.”   
“Let me try?” Frank asked, his fingers prising the underwear slightly down.   
“Frank…”  
“Please.” Frank said, softly. “Please, just let me try.”  
Gerard didn’t protest, which was the closest consent he could give at that moment. 

Frank pulled Gerard’s underwear slightly down, enough to expose him. Then, gently and carefully glided his fingers up Gerard’s cock.  
Gerard hissed, quietly. “Frank…” The name came out as a soft moan, not as a plea to stop.   
Frank wrapped his hand around Gerard’s cock then, and heard him sigh.   
Gerard’s hand returned to him then, and they took up a similar rhythm to each other, hands moving slow, remembering exactly what the other liked, remembering the kind of grip they enjoyed.  
Frank’s other arm reached up, flung around the back of Gerard’s neck. Their lips just touching as they softly moaned, panted into each others mouths. 

Still, though, they were not done testing themselves. They knew they shouldn’t, that they should be content with what they’d achieved. They’d taken huge steps, ones they’d, not so long ago, thought themselves incapable of. Now they’d started, they wanted to continue. 

Gerard bent down, to whisper in Frank’s ear. “Do you want… Do you want to try for more?”   
“Like… How?” Frank asked, unsure what Gerard was getting at.  
The hand that had previously been caught up in Frank’s hair left it now, and reached over. To the drawers. Frank heard the drawer open, and he understood.

He went still, and pushed Gerard up, away, looking at him intently.   
Gerard sighed, hung his head, his hair falling down, hiding his eyes from Frank. “You don’t…” Gerard said, quietly. “You don’t want-?”  
Frank blinked, rapidly, trying to figure this out, trying to figure out what he wanted, trying to figure out how he felt. There were so many things happening, so fast. He just wanted to catch up, take a breath, and understand what was going on.   
He reached his hand up, to Gerard’s cheek, to make him look at him.   
“Gee.” He said, softly. “I would… I would love to have sex with you, again, right now. The only reason I’m hesitating is…” He paused, unsure he should say this.   
“The only reason I’m hesitating is because I’m worried, for you.”   
He bit his lip then, nervously biting at his lip ring.  
For what seemed a long time, Gerard didn’t reply.   
Gerard sighed, and sat up, he pulled the bedcovers over them as he laid back down, beside Frank, and curled Frank up into his arms. Gerard buried his face against Frank’s neck, and breathed in, deeply, before kissing him, softly on the neck.   
“I’m not going to pretend I’m not scared.” Gerard said, quietly. “I’m not going to pretend I’m not still haunted by… What happened. The fact is… And you’ll understand this, I’ll never be free of that. But… I can at least hope to be as strong as you, and move past it.”  
Frank wanted to protest.   
He wasn’t, had never been, the strong one. 

“I want to move past it.” Gerard continued, before Frank could say anything. “And I want to be with you again. I want you to know…”  
Frank nodded, and sat up, looking down at Gerard now. “I already know.”  
They kissed again.  
Then Frank reached across, going into the drawer himself, fingers quickly closing around what he was looking for.   
He placed the lube in Gerard’s hand, then moved onto his back, watching Gerard carefully.

Gerard tentatively moved back over him, the covers pulled up, over his back, encompassing them both.  
Frank’s eyes remained on Gerard’s face, while Gerard’s eyes flittered, nervously.   
Frank smiled, and reached up his hand, to Gerard’s cheek. “Don’t be nervous. It’s only me.” He said, quietly.   
To that, Gerard smiled. “Nothing ‘only’ about you.” His eyes fixed on Frank now though, and things felt more normal.   
Gerard’s hands gently guided Frank’s legs apart, and his hand smoothed, gently, lovingly over that familiar scar on Frank’s thigh. Frank didn’t flinch.   
It hurt again, naturally. Slowly and as carefully as Gerard went, Frank still winced, his natural instinct to move away from the fingers inside him one that was difficult to ignore.   
His eyes closed, even though he knew how dangerous that was. But, he felt Gerard’s hand on his face, gentle, soothing, and soothing words in his ear.

The real problem came once Frank was fully prepared, and ready for this again. Both men were turned on, aching for each other, both in the literal, and emotional meaning.   
But, when he moved close, one hand gripping Frank’s tightly, the other slightly lifting Frank up, Gerard froze.  
Frank’s thumb rubbed at the back of Gerard’s hand. He could see Gerard’s eyes, tight closed. Looking anxious, and pale.   
“Gee.” He said, softly. Gerard shook his head. “I can’t.” He sighed. “I-- Thought I could. But…”  
“Gee.” Frank repeated, making the other man look up at him.   
“Do you want to do this?” Frank asked. “I mean, really? Do you really want to do this?”   
Frank watched as Gerard bowed his head, then looked up again, away from Frank. His eyes were slightly shining with tears. He nodded.   
Frank reached out his arms for Gerard, guiding him down. More than easily, Gerard went to him. For a few moments, they just laid together, holding one another tight.   
Then Frank carefully sat up, and encouraged Gerard onto his back. “Trust me.” He whispered.

Frank moved back, pulling the covers up, over him as best he could.   
Frank reached out for Gerard’s hand again then, as he straddled him. “You sure?” Frank asked.   
Gerard closed his eyes, his jaw clenching, trying to hard to convince himself.   
Then he turned his face away, a hand reaching up to his face, hiding himself more.  
“Oh, Gee…” Frank sighed, softly.   
“I’m sorry.” Gerard said, quietly.   
Frank shook his head, even though Gerard couldn’t see.   
He moved off, and as he did, Gerard turned over, onto his side, further hiding himself from Frank.   
Frank sat back on the bed, Gerard’s back facing him. Watching the small tremors of Gerard’s shoulders, unable to tell if he was just shaking, or if he was crying too. 

And, again, Frank realised why this was so familiar. He realised that this was exactly what Gerard had seen him do, so many times. How familiar was it? Curled up on the bed, crying, shaking. Frustrated, scared, hopeless.   
This had been him, so many times.   
He suddenly realised just how brave Gerard had been, able to watch this, to deal with it, and not fall apart himself. 

Frank reached out a hand, placed it on Gerard’s shoulder, coaxing him to turn around.   
At first, Gerard resisted, then finally turned, moving with Frank as Frank laid back down, his arms going, protectively around Gerard, pulling him close.   
“Too fast.” Frank said, quietly. A statement, not a question. 

He could feel Gerard now, shaking against him. And his own horrific memories threatened to break though. Remembering, but trying not to remember, how Gerard had shook against him when Frank had finally got back to him, in that apartment. When Frank had got to him too late.   
Frank pushed those thoughts back, and kissed Gerard’s forehead, pushing back the slightly damp hair to do so. 

“I’m sorry.” Gerard said again, still quietly, his words also shaking a little. “I- I’m sorry. I’m- Useless.”  
Frank squeezed him, not quite gently, his eyes closing painfully tight. “Stop that.” Frank told him. “Stop apologising. You’re not useless. “   
Gerard nodded. “I am. I am. I- I can’t…”  
“Gerard!” Frank snapped, pushing Gerard away, looking at him, intently, frustrated, but not surprised that Gerard kept his eyes closed, and tried to hide his face in the pillow.   
“You’re saying you’re useless? Why? Because you can’t have sex with me? So, what? Did that make me useless when I couldn’t have sex with you? All those times I had to stop, because I couldn’t handle it, you thought I was useless? Is that what you’re saying?” 

Gerard was crying now, and Frank felt awful for it, but, he didn’t know. He didn’t know any other way to get through to him.   
Gerard was shaking his head. “I- I never thought you were useless.” Gerard stuttered his words, but got them out, regardless.   
“So what makes it different when it’s you?” Frank asked, more gently now, pushing his hand back through Gerard’s hair.   
Gerard frowned, though he still he didn’t open his eyes. “I… Feel useless.”   
Frank pulled him closer. “You’re not.” He told him. “I promise. You’re not useless. And, Gee… Wouldn’t I be the useless boyfriend if I tried to make you feel like that for not having sex with me? Especially since… I know exactly how you feel right now. I understand it. I’ve been where you are. How could I know all that, and then expect you to…”  
He paused, collecting himself, his thoughts.   
“I don’t care. It’s not important. Sex is not important. It can wait. If I have to wait… Years, fine. You allowed me all the time in the world. I can only repay you that.” 

Gerard opened his eyes, finally, and lifted his head.   
Frank understood what he was asking, without Gerard having to ask it. He kissed Gerard, softly. 

They laid, comfortably and silently, for a while. 

“Frank.”   
“hmm?” 

“I feel like… Maybe. Maybe we could try… What we were doing before? Before I… Pushed too far?” 

Frank frowned, trying to remember what they’d been doing.   
Then he remembered, and, cautiously allowed his hand to stray from the safe spot on Gerard’s back, down over his hip again.   
“Sure about this?” Frank asked, his hand hovering.   
Gerard nodded, taking Frank’s hand, and placing it around his cock.   
Frank nearly cried out, amazed by how much pleasure he got from touching Gerard.   
He cried out, softly again as he felt Gerard’s hand on him.

Both wondered why they’d allowed themselves to stray from this in the first place. This was a miracle all itself. Being able to touch one another like this once again was huge.

They kissed, deeply, and their lips remained touching as they came, moaning and panting softly into one another’s mouths.  
Afterwards, they curled up together, wrapping their arms around each other, tight. Burying their faces in each others shoulders, trying to deny the fact that they were both crying. Tears of relief, of astonishment. And, if it’s possible. Of love. 

###

They allowed their day to pass lazily, comfortably. It felt good. It felt… Close enough to that beautiful point in their relationship, before Saint Jimmy had tried to tear them apart. 

Frank sat up on the kitchen work surface, watching Gerard gather things together for dinner. He kicked his feet against the cupboard doors beneath him, earning himself fake scolding looks from Gerard. Each time Frank just grinned back at him.  
Watching Gerard again, now, Frank realised how proud he was of him. After… Everything. Here they were, again. 

“Gee?”   
Gerard looked up, and grinned when he saw Frank’s arms outstretched to him. He went over, allowing Frank’s arms to curl around him, pull him in a little. A soft kiss on the lips, and Frank’s eyes stayed closed a beat longer.   
“I love you.”  
Gerard kissed him again before replying, “I love you too.”  
Then Frank frowned slightly, thinking. “I really mean that. I really mean… I love you. And. I can’t, I don’t want to imagine spending my life without you.”

Gerard frowned too now, pushing back Frank’s hair a little. “Hey, what’s this all about?” 

Frank looked up then, and he looked serious. “This… It isn’t a proposal, okay? But… It is a promise, if you’ll accept it. Gerard, I… I want to marry you some day. I know we already talked about this but now… I’m promising I will. If… If that’s what you want too.” 

Gerard was silent for about two seconds, that felt like an eternity. Then he reached his hands to Frank’s face. Kissed his forehead, then his lips once more.  
“I love you so much.” Then he smiled, as he whispered, “I promise too.” 

###

The day was fast drawing to a close, and both were very aware of that, though not unhappy about it.   
Back in a familiar setting, on the couch, TV on, though they were barely watching. Frank laying gently against Gerard, comforted and comfortable with Gerard’s arm around him. 

Though they were both quiet, both minds were busy, hectic with thoughts. Gerard’s focused on the events of the day, and looking ahead, occasionally struck, again, when he remembered the promise he and Frank had made less than a couple of hours ago.  
 _Mikey will be pleased, and Mom and Dad. Shit, Nikki will probably have a heart attack when she finds out! But… Do you tell people this sort of thing? It’s not… An engagement, exactly, is it? Do people get each other rings? There is such thing as a promise ring, is this what they’re for?_  
He’d carry on in this manner for a few minutes, before forcing himself to stop, and look back down at Frank.  
Figured out the rest of it didn’t really matter.

While Frank’s thoughts spanned much, much further. They had the same starting point, the events of that day, but then they’d start to wind back. The difficult time they’d just been through. A proof that, once again, they could get through the very worst. Then, back further, the soft, easy, sweet time before Jimmy had reappeared. Further still, when things had not been so easy.  
And again, that fateful night that only ever came to Frank in pieces. The alleyway always at a slant, dark in everyway. Sometimes he tricked himself into thinking he sensed when Gerard had got to him, that he thought there was a calm, easy presence when Gerard had turned up.   
Other times Frank thought that maybe that calm feeling had been when he’d been on the very edge of dying.   
And still the thoughts reeled back, over all that long time with Jimmy.   
And then, back to that little time, before he met Jimmy, when he’d first got to the city, when he’d first run away.  
It’d been over a year now. 

“Gee?”   
He sat up slightly as Gerard looked at him, waiting for Frank to continue.   
“Can I use your phone?” 

Gerard didn’t have to ask who Frank wanted to call, it was obvious by his body language. His body was stiff, awkward, and eyes slightly large.   
When Gerard passed Frank the phone, he asked, “You want me to give you some privacy?”   
Frank shook his head, the hand that didn’t hold the phone grabbing for Gerard’s hand.  
Gerard sat back down, a small distance from Frank, but still close.

Frank took his hand back only to dial the number. He hadn’t forgotten, though for a wild moment, he truly thought he had.   
His hands trembled, softly, and as soon as the phone started to ring, he felt like hanging up.   
Instead he grabbed Gerard’s hand again, grateful when he felt Gerard’s other hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently, encouragingly.   
The phone rang for a very long time, which only increased Frank’s nerves. He sat forward, doubled over, part praying that the phone would never be answered, part wishing they’d answer already.

Finally, he heard it. The inquisitive, slightly flustered and so, so familiar voice saying hello.   
“H- Hi Mom.”   
A gasp down the other end of the phone, even Gerard could hear it. He squeezed Frank’s hand, rubbed his thumb over Frank’s wrist.  
He listened to Frank’s words, hearing them trembling slightly, able to understand the other side of the conversation only from what Frank said. 

“Yeah. Yeah, Mom, it’s really me. I- I’m sorry I-”  
“I know. I know. I’m sorry I did that to you, I-- I just. I don’t know if I can explain it over the phone.” 

A much longer pause, while the person on the other end of the line, Frank’s mother, talked.  
Frank closed his eyes, nodding as he listened.  
Gerard continued to watch him, steadily.

“Yes. Yeah. I’m-- I’m okay. I’m doing okay. Uh. Mom, I have to tell you something important, okay?”

Another pause, a deep breath, and Frank squeezed Gerard’s hand.

“I’ve… Met someone.”

Gerard felt his own heart rate speed up, wondering how Frank must be feeling, knowing how scared Frank had been about this.   
No way of telling the reaction on the other end of the phone. Frank interrupted, shaking his head.

“No. Uh, Mom, actually… H- His name is Gerard.” 

Now Gerard felt like his heart had stopped.   
He hoped he’d been right, when he said he was sure Frank would be accepted by his parents.   
He took a little comfort that he was here, for Frank if the worst happened now. 

Frank looked up, at Gerard.  
He was smiling.

“Yeah.” Frank said, quietly. “I am.” 

Frank tugged on Gerard’s arm, and pulled him close, before letting him go.

The phone conversation wasn’t long, only as long as it needed to be. Frank asked how the family was doing, what he’d missed.  
Only when the question of “When are you coming home?” came up, did Frank look nervous again.

“Uh, I was kinda wondering… If you wanted to come and… Visit me and Gerard here?” 

There was a hesitation. And a ‘maybe’ was offered in response.   
Maybe wasn’t a no, so Frank would take it, gladly. 

After he hung up, Gerard pulled him close again, hugging him tightly, kissing his temples, then his lips, softly.

“I’m so proud of you.” 

Frank couldn’t speak, he was overwhelmed. Instead he buried himself against Gerard. 

Their lips were smiling as they kissed again, before moving to lay, comfortably together on the couch once more, Frank laid slightly on top of Gerard, enjoying the gentle, safe feeling of Gerard’s arms around him. 

Over a year ago, Frank had started running. He’d had no real idea if he was running from something, or to something. And he’d been running ever since.   
Finally, he felt like he could stop running.


End file.
